Chapter 46: Falling Apart at the Seams

Pregnancy was no joy ride; Lily found that out rather quickly. You hated the way food smelled. You couldn't keep anything down for more than a few hours at a time. Your breasts ached until you wished they would just fall off. You were tired all the time. You put on weight until you look like a whale. Your feet start to ache because of how much weight you put on.

Six months in and Lily wanted out. She wanted her baby, of course; she just wanted him to get here already. James was doing the best he could for her. He massaged her feet, rubbed her back, carried her up the stairs when she let him. However, Jamescouldn't be there all the time. He still did a few missions for the Order every now and then.

Lily knew he could take care of himself, but she hated it when he left. He wasn't married to the Order. She was his wife and he should be here with her. Of course, Lily knew she was being selfish. The world needed people like him to fight for what was right.

That's why Lily was sitting at the kitchen table, pissed off, watching James get ready for yet another mission. Her hormones were so out of whack, and she'd been angry for most of the day, but now it was worse. Dumbledore had sent James an owl saying they needed another person to go out on some mission. Sirius was already going, so James, being James, accepted.

"I don't see why it has to be you," Lily muttered darkly.

James shrugged, not noticing or ignoring her bad mood. "I don't know. Just the first person he thought of, I guess."

"James, you can't go!" Lily suddenly burst out.

"Lily, I've got to, I'll be back soon," he told her, as he started for the door.

"Well, maybe I won't be here when you get back."

This stopped James in his tracks. Lily knew she was unfair in saying this, but she couldn't help it. James was hers, and she didn't want to loose him to the war. Not now, not anytime soon. She needed him to stay with her now.

James slowly turned around. "Lily, what are you talking about?"

"I am not going watch you leave and know you're risking your life, while I sit here and wait for you to get back," Lily told him calmly. "James, don't go on that mission. What if you don't come back? What if something happens to you? I couldn't live with that. Our child wouldn't have a father."

"Lily, I'll be fine," James said. "I've gone on plenty of missions before. This isn't going to be any different."

"How do you know that?!" she shouted. "We're in a war, James! People are disappearing left, right, and center! What if you're next?! You can't guarantee that you'll come back!"

"Lily, I don't have time for this right now," James sighed. "I've got to go. I'll be back soon. Just calm down, alright? Nothing's going to happen."

"James, you don't know that! Please, don't go!" Lily begged him.

"Lils, honey, I've got to," James was standing in front of her now, with his hands on her shoulders. "Wouldn't you do the same if you weren't pregnant?"

"That's not the point," Lily snapped, pulling away from his grasp. "I am pregnant, in case you hadn't noticed, and you're going to be a father. You can't go out risking your life when you have a child that's going to depend on you for pretty much everything."

"But that's what I'm doing it for, isn't it?" James retorted. "So he, she, whatever it is, doesn't have to live in this kind of world! So they don't have to grow up too early! Like us."

The last part was barely audible. Lily knew James was right the minute he said that, but the thing about Lily was that she was never good at admitting she was wrong.

"Fine, go and get yourself killed," Lily told him turning so her back wasn't facing him. "See if I care."

"Lily-"

"Go!" Lily shouted interrupting him.

James turned on his heel and marched out the door, slamming it behind him. As soon as he was gone, Lily fell into one of the kitchen chairs softly sobbing into her hands. She was so tired of fighting in this bloody war. She was twenty and three months away from having a child. Not to mention that that child might be targeted by the one of the darkest wizards of all time. How was she supposed to handle that? She could only hide her baby for so long. There had to be something she could do. She was too young for this.

After a she had a good cry, Lily pushed herself up. Shakily she made her way up the stairs and into the bathroom. Turning the tap on, she waited for the water to warm up before splashing her face with it. She sighed as she looked at her appearence in the mirror. Her eyes were puffy, her cheeks almost as red as her hair. Her stomach protruded far beyond the 'cute' point. All in all, she looked horrible.

Not to James though, a voice whispered in the back of her mind. He always thought she looked beautiful. Now she'd pushed him away, all because she was a hormonal wreck. Here she was throwing herself a pity party and the last words she would said to James were, "Go and get yourself killed. See if I care. Go!" What had she done? What if he really did die?

She cried herself to sleep that night and the next two nights. James still wasn't back and she hadn't bothered to ask when he would be back. (Not that it mattered when you said you'd be back. It was usually an estimated period of time.) Guilt filled her as each day passed and the longing in her stomach increased each day James didn't come back. She twirled her wedding ring around her finger as unease filled her.

Finally, on the third day after James left, he reappeared.

Lily was sitting in the kitchen when she heard the door open and someone call 'Lily!' She hurried into the living room and the sight that met her eyes wasn't a good one. Sirius and Benjy Fenwick were laying an unconscious James onto the couch. Blood was splattered across his face and soaked his shirt. One thought was running through Lily's mind. Please let him live.

A/N: Hey guys! I'm back again! So what did you think? Review!