A/N: Gather round children, Q's got another story for y'all. It's full of angst and feels that will make you wish you could tear your own heart out! Doesn't that just sound peachy?

But seriously, it's so hard to tear myself away from The Trouble With Soulmates, I can hardly bring myself to leave it alone for a few days to work on this. Thankfully I've had this chapter planned for months. It knows where it's going, I just hope it can make you smile as much as it can for me.

Enjoy!

"Where the hell is he?" Shizuo threw his head about, sniffing the air. He'd know the scent anywhere, would be able to smell it if the man came within fifty meters of him, but there was nothing. The air was fresh and clean, free of the stench of shit and too many crafty ideas.

Entirely disconcerting.

"Eh, Shizuo-kun," Shinra complained, forgetting his food for a moment so he could look up at the teenage Alpha. "Izaya's not here, you already knew that. Just eat your food, don't worry about him." The odd Beta smiled slightly. "He's sick today."

Shizuo growled low in his throat. Izaya didn't get sick, the Flea was an indestructible force of chaos that didn't just fall ill. No, if he wasn't here he was plotting something and that made Shizuo's skin just itch. "There's no way he's fucking sick, tell me where the hell he is so I can kill him!" Shizuo snapped angrily.

"Shizuo, calm down." Kadota cracked open an eye from his half-nap he'd been taking propped up against the mesh fence surrounding a good portion of the roof. The fellow Alpha stretched casually before calmly saying, "Izaya-san's just not here. There's no need to get all upset about it. Trust me, he wasn't in class."

"I know that!" Shizuo snapped, wishing he had something to grind his teeth around to relieve some of his stress. "But that doesn't mean he isn't planning something."

Honestly, he knew exactly why he was so pissed and for once it wasn't even really Izaya. The stupid pheromone blockers he was taking were fucking with his body. Really, he wasn't sure why he was bothering, they were just supposed to suppress his instincts and such but all they seemed to be doing was making things worse. Hell, the only time his head felt clear was when he was chasing after Izaya.

And now the idiot was gone and he was almost positive that this fact spelled something fishy.

"You're always so obsessed with him," Shinra mused, poking at the wrinkles between his brows. "It's like you can't stand to be apart from him." The words were fucking stupid but so was Shirna most of the time so Shizuo decided to let that one slid. "You know what I should do? I should tell Izaya just how horribly you've missed him while he was g-"

And that was one stupid comment too many. "I will throw you off that roof!" Shizuo roared, fingers tightening around his bottle of milk until it shattered dramatically. Shinra whined as some of it spilled on his books but laughed when he noticed the huge splotch on Shizuo's pant leg. "Fuck," he cursed, leaping up and brushing broken glass off of himself.

"He was joking Shizuo," Kadota said, letting his eyes close again. "Shinra, don't be such an asshole. You know how much he hates Izaya."

Sighing, Shirna poked at his food as if it couldn't possibly be as interesting as the conversation they had been having. "What a shame you know, I thought they'd get along great but now look where we are."

High School with my worst enemy, Shizuo brooded, glowering at the pair of them before sitting down again, still jumpy. Technically he'd only know Izaya for a year but he still hated him, still wished he'd have an unfortunate accident and die.

Maybe even, if he was extremely lucky, Shizuo would manage to do the deed himself but somehow he doubted it. Izaya was nigh indestructible. Like a fucking cockroach with the way he came back to life after every fight that neither of them seemed to win. Better than any medication ever will be, Shizuo thought, stretching the muscles of his jaw spasmodically.

Shizuo snorted and went back to sitting in silence.

~•~

As the day drew to a close, Shizuo found himself getting more and more suspicious. Shinra kept saying that Izaya was just sick but the blond didn't buy it in the slightest. Why would Izaya waste an entire day not at school doing nothing just because he wasn't feeling completely one hundred percent? That wasn't in his character at all. No, even if he didn't feel well, he'd certainly be cooking up something horrible.

Shizuo might not have been able to keep up with the shit that spouted out of Izaya's mouth on a regular basis but he could tell the Raven was a genius and an evil one at that. People like that didn't just decide not to get out of bed in the morning because of a headache of a stomach flu. No, Izaya had to be plotting something, it was only a matter of time before it became clear to Shizuo what that thing was.

"Ara, Shizuo-kun," Shirna sounded distressed and Shizuo managed to jerk his attention around to the science obsessed boy beside him. "You're destroying your locker. You know they've already had to replace it three times this year."

With a loud snarl, Shizuo slammed the door of his locker closed, tipping the entire line of lockers over in the process. The students in the way scattered. Guilt breaking through his shell of confused and blind anger, Shizuo forced himself to relax. "Sorry, just stressed," he managed, trying for a smile and failing spectacularly.

"You do know that taking those bockers isn't going to help you," Shinra said wisely, adjusting his glasses and watching in detached interest as a group of students made a concerted effort to right what Shizuo had leveled. "I've seen your pills, those are for weaker Alphas and you're not weak at all. It's only going to negatively affect your health and probably your sanity too."

"I fucking know this already Shirna, I'm doing the best I can," Shizuo growled but his heart wasn't in it. The man was pretty much a doctor in training. If he said the stuff Shizuo was taking was no good, the young Alpha felt inclined to listen. "I mean what else am I supposed to do?"

"Find a mate?" Shinra suggested lightly before ducking away from Shizuo's disapproving smack. Laughing brightly, he added, "Heck, it might not even be that hard. You might have a lot of people scared of you but there are also your fangirls. Surely one of them is at least a little interesting. Come on, it'd be simple! Then you'd at least be a whole lot less tense."

"Easy for you to say," Shizuo muttered with a snort. The idea of actually mating with an Omega, even if it was only once, made the blond feel a little sick. There were so many things wrong with it, he couldn't even put it into words. Besides, what if he hurt them… "I mean, you've already got Celty."

Almost at once a dreamy look came over Shinra's face. "She's perfect, isn't she? Did you know that she doesn't even have a secondary gender? It's so strange! She's just Celty. It's perfect, I'm going to marry her someday Shizuo-kun, I promise you."

"Never said you wouldn't," Shizuo assured Shinra, a little off put by the fanatical look that had come over the man's face. Sighing, he rubbed his knuckles and stared out of the school doors. All he really wanted was to see Izaya, just chase him around for a bit, maybe throw something at him. Anything to work out some of this fucking energy, anything to make his hand's stop shaking with repressed anger. Shizuo didn't even know what he was angry with, he just wanted to hurt something. Shirna probably had a point when he said that the drugs weren't working.

Honestly, he almost hoped Izaya had something horrible planned. At least then he'd have an excuse to fight him. Maybe not look so much like the aggressor for once. As if the fucking Flea doesn't start most of our fights. It's not my fault I typically throw the first punch. But that's not what other people saw. They just saw two teenagers rushing across the streets. Suspending reality for a moment with bent street signs and flashing knives, just generally hurting anyone who got in the way. It was perfect, or as close to perfect as he could get.

"Mind still stuck on Izaya?" Shinra asked, leaning towards Shizuo conspiratorially. The look in the boy's eyes made Shizuo want to hit him again. "I mean, I know you hate him but this is just a tad obsessive, no?"

"Fuck off," Shizuo muttered, gritting his teeth and turning away from Shinra to find Kadota, who had been helping with the unfortunately toppled line of footlockers.

"He hasn't shown up to any of his classes," Kadota told him, almost like he was reassuring the tall blond. "Relax, he's not going to suddenly show up." Opening his own locker, Kadota shrugged. "Izaya-san can get sick too Shizuo. He'll probably be back tomorrow."

"Well if he is sick I fucking hope he dies," Shizuo snapped, clenching his fists. Actually, that would kind of suck… But it wouldn't at the same time, Shizuo would probably prefer it in the long run. He could find other ways to relieve his stress. Izaya was just convenient, that was it. "But he isn't fucking sick because it's Izaya and he doesn't get sick. He just gets shittier."

Shinra laughed delightedly before popping around Shizuo so he could bounce about in front of him. "It's almost like you're worried," he chirped, grinning from ear to ear. Shizuo felt his hackles rise at the words and glared at the man, hoping that would discourage him but this was Shinra. Nothing fucking stopped him from being an idiot. "Come on, why do you always fight Izaya? You could just be friends with him, right?"

"I will never be friends with the fucking Flea!" Shizuo thundered, furious. "He's a stain on the world that doesn't deserve to live!" It wasn't like he had a shortage of reasons to want to crush him, no Izaya seemed to manufacture new ones on the dayly.

Shinra's face fell. "Eh? Well Shizuo-kun, just be careful with him. He's not as strong as you, okay?" Giving the blond a rueful grin, he said, "As annoying as he can be, he's my friend. Don't kill him."

"What do you mean he's not as strong?" Shizuo snorted, calming down somewhat. "Have you seen him? He's an Alpha, isn't he? Besides, I end up injured more often than he does. I got fucking hit by another truck last week!" The memory made his blood boil but he forced it down.

"Is he an Alpha?" Kadota asked suddenly, frowning in concentration. "I mean, he acts like one but he doesn't smell like much of anything. I'm pretty sure he's a Beta."

Shizuo raised an eyebrow. "Him? But he's so fucking manipulative all the time. And some people take drugs to hide what they are."

"Regardless," Shinra said, breaking into the conversation, a funny look on his face. "You're still stronger Shizuo-kun. Just keep that in mind."

"Believe me," Shizuo growled, "I do. It's going to help me grind his face into the fucking pavement some day."

"Some day," Shinra agreed, smiling brightly. "But not today, okay?" Kadota didn't seem to notice the suddenly odd way Shinra was acting but Shizuo picked up on it immediately.

"What the fuck has gotten into you?" he demanded, scowling fiercely.

Shinra managed to chuckle. "Ara, it's probably nothing, but Izaya's delicate and he's sick. If you happen to run across him-"

"I'm not going to-"

"I was going to say go easy on him," Shinra finished, narrowing his eyes behind his glasses. "Goodness knows I can't stop you two from making everyone's life hell but just if you see him, don't aim quite so well maybe?"

"Fine," Shizuo grumbled, if only to get Shinra off his back. "He usually starts the fights anyway, shouldn't you be talking to him?" He didn't like the accusations in Shinra's eyes and certainly didn't think he deserved them. But Shinra just gave Shizuo a small smile.

"Ah, but which of you is more likely to listen, hmm?" He cackled. "If you think the answer is Izaya then you're crazy Shizuo-kun. Which reminds me!" Reaching around Shizuo, Shinra plucked up the pill bottle that was sticking out of the top of his bag and examined it. "You should come over some time, see if I can't find you something better. I mean I might not be able to do much but this is definitely making things worse. Don't you think Kadota-san?"

Kadota held up his hands. "Far be it from me to make medical judgments." He bumped shoulders with Shizuo and snorted. "But you could stand to loosen up."

"I'll drop by tomorrow," Shizuo decided, feeling at least marginally better. I'm lucky to have friends like this at all, considering how I act… "I'm going to head out. See you two tomorrow." With the chorus of farewells at his back, Shizuo left school and started home.

As he walked his thoughts wandered back to what Shinra had been saying about Izaya. Honestly, as much as it pained Shizuo to admit it, he'd always seen Izaya as his equal. The boy was fearsome, if not in his physical abilities then in his mental ones. Hell, Shizuo would have said Izaya far surpassed him in that respect. He never missed a beat, was always one step ahead of Shizuo and managed to do it all with a smile on his face. Frankly, he was almost as terrifying as Shizuo himself.

And yet Shinra had made Izaya sound like he was weak, powerless. That pissed Shizuo off and he wasn't sure why. Because I don't want people thinking I'm fighting a weakling. But no, that wasn't it. The thought fled his mind as a cherry blossom petal hit his nose and he sneezed.

Stupid fucking trees…

Grumbling, Shizuo's mind strayed to himself. Fuck, he was a mess. He'd only presented as an Alpha a few years ago, right before high school. Shizuo had already been freakishly strong and had a temper to match but now… Well, Shizuo knew that he'd sooner hurt someone than anything else.

It's where the different blockers had come from.

Probably, if he was thinking straight, it was where his desire to fight Izaya came from as well.

His brother, Kasuka, kept telling him that he'd be able to handle things without the meds but Shizuo didn't believe it. The younger boy had always had too much faith in his older brother. Besides, he was so much calmer, didn't even fully understand what it meant to be constantly fighting yourself every time an Omega in heat passed by. He didn't get the fiery sensation of rage that flew through Shizuo at every little thing, causing him to blow up more often than not.

It's better when Izaya's around. At least he focuses the energy. But Shizuo knew that was probably only going to last through high school. If he didn't kill Izaya first, if Izaya didn't end up actually gutting him with those gleaming blades he wielded so talentedly. Perhaps if he could just chase the Flea forever, he wouldn't have to worry about it, he could just learn how to control himself elsewhere and let everything out for Izaya.

Actually, it sounded quite appealing.

As he walked under the trees, avoiding the petals that were being shed by their trees, Shizuo wondered if Izaya ever worried about what his actions did to those around him. Probably not, the man was heartless. Didn't give a shit about people in general and only ever seemed to break out of that collectedly snide persona for Shizuo. I feel so special, he thought sarcastically, digging his nails into the palm of his hand.

Really though, when Shizuo thought about it, he had to realize that he didn't understand Izaya very well. For someone he spent so much time around, Izaya was an enigma, a mystery he couldn't hope to solve. Always so abrasive and rude, it made Shizuo wonder if the man even wanted friends at all. Even Shinra was kept at an arm's length.

I'm not, Shizuo realized. He lets me get closer than anyone else, but it's only because we hate each other. Maybe in the end he was the only one who knew just how despicable Izaya was inside. Even if that blackness wasn't as black as it seemed from the outside. Just like me, perhaps better. At least he knows what he's doing…

Stopping, Shizuo took a deep breath and sighed. Pulling out the pill bottle Shinra had given back out of his bag, the Alpha turned it over and over, feeling irritated just by looking at it. The stuff was wearing off, he could feel it. As the medication was metabolized, his senses sharpened. The cherry blossoms smelled soothing, the trees around him came into sharper focus and the blood rushing in his ears mellowed out.

Fucking annoying… Shizuo's tightening grip broke the plastic of the pill bottle and he hissed as a sliver of it dug into his palm. It was time to take another two but Shizuo didn't really want to. He hated the effect it had on his mind and he desperately wanted to prove his brother right and go without them. Part of him was aware it was impossible but the rest of him decided that if someone as twisted as Izaya could keep their mind and body under control, then so could he.

It didn't matter if Shinra wanted to try something, Shizuo was done with this. This was going to be his last bottle of suppressants he took.

With a grunt, he threw it as far as he could. The shiny orange plastic quickly disappeared into the distance, no doubt destined to crash through some unsuspecting civilian's roof. As they vanished, a weight vanished from Shizuo's shoulders. He could do it, even if he had to fight Izaya every day to keep himself in line.

Fucking flea deserved it anyway.

Smiling slightly, Shizuo started back towards his home, mood considerably brighter than it had been a moment ago. It helped that the medication was almost gone. He always hated how much it clogged up his senses, leaving him feeling almost naked without them. Drawing in another lungful of air, Shizuo's eyes widened as a new scent registered. An extremely enticing scent.

It was sharp, tangy almost, yet sweet and calming. Standing out starkly against the background of cherry blossoms and other flowers, Shizuo struggled to catch more of it. Hell, he'd have described it as mouth-watering because that's what it was. Though he had no idea what it was, he followed it, wanting to know.

Coaxing, yet elusive. Soothing, yet invigorating. He was reminded of coffee, of the bite of metal and rushing adrenaline yet at the same time a whisper of softness, the melancholy that comes from being alone for far too long and a hint of regret. He'd never smelled something that held such depth, such emotion. Shizuo almost broke into a run, wanting to know what or who was giving off the smell. If he didn't, he might never find it again.

But then it was gone, replaced by a familiar stench that made Shizuo stop in his tracks. Growl building up in the back of his throat, the blond dropped his bag as he searched for the damned Flea who had destroyed his hope of following that rich and wonderful scent he'd been smelling. Snorting at the pervasive smell of blood and vile evil that slithered in the dark, Shizuo finally spotted a head of raven hair and the man who was attached to it.

Izaya!

He was about to rush forward with a roar, when something held him back. Something about his enemy that forced him to take a second look.

Izaya was sitting on the decorative foot bridge before Shizuo, eyes staring off into the distance, body loose and at peace. Shizuo wasn't sure if he'd ever seen the Raven looking so calm in his life, he'd only ever seen him when he was full of malice and hate. It looked strange and he couldn't help but slowly draw closer.

The boy had his legs hanging out over the edge of the bridge, his arms resting comfortably on the low railing. At this angle he looked thin, insubstantial, like he hadn't eaten in several days or perhaps hadn't eaten well in several years. His ivory skin was pallid and slightly drawn and his eyes were sunken. It made Shizuo's stomach twist, even though he detested Izaya. No one deserved to look like that, not even the Flea.

Raven hair ruffling in the breeze, Izaya stared over the small creek at the cherry blossom trees. Every time a gust of air blew through, Shizuo wondered if the man would simply float away, too light to be kept grounded. Petals stuck in his hair, and every now and then, he'd reach out and catch one before letting it tumble to the creek below.

The blond wondered how long Izaya had been there.

But it wasn't really any of those things that caught Shizuo's eye. Instead, it was the expression on his enemy's face that stayed his hand. The man looked… Wistful. Frustrated like his life had been yanked away from him. Tired, like he didn't want to deal with it anymore.

And above all, Izaya looked lonely.

Shizuo's heart lurched painfully. He knew that look, knew it better than anyone else ever could. It was the same expression that coated his face every time he walked through the hallways and people hurried to get out of his way. It was the same feeling he had whenever he looked at yet another person that he'd injured and wondered why me? He knew it intimately, but had never expected to see it on Izaya's face.

Izaya was supposed to be connected, socially advantaged. He had money, he had power, he had intelligence. Shizuo could even admit that he had looks. The Raven had everything, why would he look so lonely? There were innumerable times when Shizuo had seen the man flirting with a pretty girl or talking to the upperclassmen like it was no big deal. He might have been dangerous but that didn't stop most people from flocking to him.

Except Shizuo knew the look on Izaya's face when he conversed with those people, the fake smile, the phony laugh, the lies and the bullshit that just dripped off his tongue all the time. And always the distance he put between himself and the world. Like he was better.

Like he couldn't trust a soul.

And then Shizuo had to wonder once again why he had somehow gotten past that, even though they were enemies. Oh Izaya never stopped spouting bullshit but his smiles were genuine, his laughs were real. Shizuo entertained him and dispelled that lonely look in his eyes.

Kind of like Izaya drained all that rage out of Shizuo and could calm him down in the most round about way imaginable.

And in that moment, Shizuo made Izaya a silent promise, one he would probably forget but meant all the same.

I will be your monster. I will be your enemy. I will keep you from looking lonely and sad and tired because you keep me from feeling out of control and powerless to my own rage. You don't have to be alone, because I need you too and I'll always be here for you. Forever.

As if finally noticing him, Izaya turned and his eyes widened before narrowing into pleased slits. He didn't look sick, but then he was always sick in the mind so would Shizuo even be able to tell? At once all traces of sadness or loneliness vanished, replaced with a devilish smirk and a cool, calculated stare.

"Ah, Shizu-chan, what a pleasure," he hissed, slowly getting to his feet. If there was any discomfort in his joints, he didn't show it. The only sign something was wrong was the sunken look of his crimson eyes and the way he almost floated away in the breeze. "Ne, I haven't seen you all day!"

"Izaya," it was a growl, but Shizuo was grinning, because he'd needed this and as long as Izaya didn't look so alone, Shizuo didn't have to think about it. "Where the hell have you been? That crazy Beta said you were sick." There was no explanation needed for who he was talking about, the nickname was universal.

"How ridiculous," Izaya responded breezily, though Shizuo could see the knife sliding into his palm. "The very notion! Shinra is an idiot Shizu-chan, pay him no attention." Cracking his neck, the man leapt up onto the low railing and gestured about grandly. "I'm merely playing hooky, taking time off to watch all my beautiful humans in their beautiful world."

"So you just fucking skipped school for fun, huh?" Shizuo cracked his knuckles, not yet wanting to end the conversation. "What kind of shit is that?"

"Well Shizu-chan," Izaya informed him, dancing closer and leaning down so he was eye level with the blond. "Unlike lower life forms such as yourself, I can skip a day without worry. I do well enough, it hardly matters if I miss a few classes. You on the other hand are chained to your desk, least you flunk out and really become a delinquent."

"I'm going to kick your ass," Shizuo promised Izaya, grin growing, the fire in his eyes blazing.

"Oh dear, I'm so afraid." Leaping off of the railing and flicking out the blade of his knife, Izaya smoothly taunted. "Do your worst, Alpha."

With a roar and a cackle, the fight began.

Trailing a finger down his Omega's arm, Shizuo found a smile drifting over his face. It had been years now, ages since that day, but the Alpha still remembered that stupid promise. Had remembered it every time people asked why he didn't just ignore Izaya until the man left him alone. Definitely remembered it now as he stared at the smooth, unworried face, caught in the threads of sleep.

Still meant it, more so than ever.

Shizuo could feel a curl of desire run through him as he inhaled deeply and caught that now familiar scent of Izaya's pheromones. An odor that had followed him through life, patiently waiting for him to understand. To take that step past what was comfortable into what was right. Because this was right, and Shizuo wanted it to be forever.

He wasn't quite sure how long Izaya had been sleeping, Shizuo didn't have a clock nearby to check. It didn't matter, he liked this. The ridges of Izaya's bones pressed against his chest and thigh, the jut of the man's chin against his collar, the brush of hair against his throat. Every bit of it was perfect, felt so correct.

"Fucking shame it took us this long to get here," Shizuo muttered, even though Izaya wasn't listening, probably had no idea the blond had spoken at all. It didn't matter, he could pretend this way. Pretend that he'd finally found that piece of happiness he'd been chasing his entire life.

He wondered, distantly, what would have happened if he'd realized Izaya was an Omega all those years ago. Would they have ended up together, or in pieces? Probably the latter, might still end up that way. Actually, Shizuo was betting on it. Izaya, after all, didn't want a mate, most likely never would. This was as close as Shizuo would ever get, and he'd only gotten this far because Izaya was in heat and therefore wasn't quite thinking straight.

"I am," he said aloud, lifting his hand so he could run gentle fingers through Izaya's soft hair. It shifted and fell in the man's face, but the Omega didn't stirr. "I might be rutting but I know exactly what I'm feeling Izaya. It's not going to change after my cycle is finished."

Izaya's closeness made Shizuo feel warm, protective, satisfied. Like this, there wasn't anything that could hurt Izaya. He was safe. Shizuo could attend to any need he might have instantly without leaving Izaya to struggle through on his own. It was as close to perfect as it could get.

"I'd never make you struggle through alone again if you let me," Shizuo said softly, his eyes sad. "But you're only here because of circumstance, I know you, you're fucking stubborn." He didn't just want to hold Izaya close like this, he wanted to know every part of him, kiss the feelings of worthlessness away and prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he cared about the Raven. But he'd never have the chance, this was all Shizuo had been allotted, he'd have to satisfy himself with this.

But he wanted more, so much more.

"Heh," Shizuo shook his head and stared at his blank TV screen in bitter realization. "I guess after this is all over you're going to leave, aren't you?" His heart twisted and Shizuo stayed it by burying his face in Izaya's hair, wrapping his arms around the man without waking him up. "Shitty flea, won't even let me keep my own promises to you."

Izaya felt so thin in his arms, Shizuo didn't want to see him go, didn't want to lose this precious creature that had fallen into his life. He still remembered vividly the demon that he'd once thought of as Izaya but he understood now, finally got why the Raven had pushed everyone away for so long, avoided closeness so completely. Just hiding from himself, from what he was.

Fighting it every time he threw himself at Shizuo.

"I guess we've only ever been fighting our nature," Shizuo said softly, voice muffled by silky locks. He could still smell that melecolly note of Izaya's scent. So bitter and sad that it hurt him, made his chest constrict and his lungs give out. "But you know Izaya, I still mean it when I say I don't want to leave you alone."

Closing his eyes, Shizuo softly said, "It means a lot more now. But I think it might have always meant the same thing." He almost wished Izaya would wake up, but then he'd have to explain himself and Shizuo didn't want to hurt the Raven any more than he'd already been hurt. This would surely make it worse, confuse the Omega when he was weakest.

"If I tell you," Shizuo muttered, smiling despite the pain, despite the pressure behind his eyes. "Will you promise not to laugh at me. I know I'm a fucking idiot, I always have been. You were always better than me, I've only ever been a monster."

Another deep breath, another shaky exhale. "But fuck Izaya, I'm your monster. I'm your Alpha. So I guess it's okay if you laugh because it's not so bad coming from you." What am I saying, I need to shut up. But he had to get it out, because this was his only chance to do so.

He rubbed Izaya's shoulder with his thumb gently, just listening to the slow breaths coming from the sleeping male. He needs it, god knows he needs every bit of it. Just a chance to stop running for once and rest where he knows he's safe. Shizuo wanted to be that place, but deep down, he knew he never could be.

But he still opened his mouth, still said the words that would damn him.

"I love you Izaya."

A bitter chuckle.

"Hell, I think I have for a while now. I just didn't realize that's what it was."

Shizuo could feel the tears slipping from his eyes and silently chastised himself. He should be strong for Izaya, not weak and emotional. The Omega needed support, not whatever this was, but he couldn't stop them from dripping from his eyes, seeping into Izaya's hair.

"You say it's instincts and you know, I fucking believed you for a while, but it's not. None of it is." He fought to keep his voice steady, even though there was no one to hear him. No one but his sleeping Omega who was completely oblivious to the world around him. So fragile like this without his shields built up around him. Yet still so strong.

"Hell," he laughed again before clenching his jaw tightly against any stray sounds that might give away the pain spilling from him. "I wish it was. I fucking wish it was just instincts. I wish I could just see you as any other Omega but you just fucking aren't and I don't know if that has to do with us being soulmates but I honestly couldn't give less of a shit."

His throat seized up and for a moment he couldn't continue, but Shizuo's mouth kept moving without his voice. Whispering words that even he didn't fully understand. Please understand Izaya, please don't let this all just be your instincts. Please feel something, anything! Just don't leave me once your heat is over. Please.

"I've never wanted to keep someone safe like this Izaya, I've never wanted to do everything to make someone happy." Shizuo drew an unsteady breath, disrupting the strands of Izaya's hair. "But right now, I would do anything for you Izaya. However much it cost me, whatever the price, I would pay it as long as it made you smile."

"And I know-" Voice cracking, Shizuo cursed under his breath and tried again. "I know you're just here because of instincts, but will you let me pretend for just a little while that it's something more?" The smile hurt, just like his throat, just like his heart, just like the skin his tears burned as they fell. "Or is that selfish of me?"

Under his breath he muttered, "Dammit Izaya, what are you doing to me?"

He could feel the heat of Izaya's body seeping into his own but it did nothing now to calm him. It just made the pain all the worse. So sweet, so horrible. Why does love have to feel like this? Why did it have to be Izaya?

Why do I have to be me?

"You're not just some Omega, I mean it! You're- you're Izaya Orihara, the smartest, sharpest, most dangerous person I know. You're better than me in so many ways and you're worth so much, whatever you think otherwise." Sniffling softly, Shizuo moved to wipe away the tears, hoping they didn't show even though they were still falling from his eyes. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, even if I thought I hated you. Out of everyone, you're the one who stayed."

Taking a deep breath, Shizuo said the words that possibly hurt the most. "But in a few days you're going to leave, and I'm going to let you, because that's what will make you happy. I might be your soulmate, but you're your own person. I respect that."

Even if that means I never see you again.

"So to whatever subconscious part of Izaya is aware right now, I'll always love you. Even once you leave and never come back."

I'm sorry I couldn't be someone different. I'm sorry I couldn't be someone who was good enough for you.

"But you know, if by some miracle you feel the same, I'm going to make you the same promise I did back in high school when we were both idiots and not just me like now."

Forcing himself to ignore the hot knife lodged in his heart, Shizuo tenderly said, "I will be your monster, I will be your Alpha. I will keep you from feeling alone and unwanted and worthless because you keep me from feeling like I'm just another Alpha who treats Omegas like scum. You don't always have to be strong because I can be strong for you without seeing you as something less for it. I'll always be here for you. Forever."

Izaya didn't wake up, but Shizuo was glad for that. Swiftly, the Alpha moved back and sat up straight, wiping away the rest of his tears as he did so. Hopefully, by the time Izaya woke up, the memory of them would have faded and with it the pain that had come pouring from him in that moment.

For now, all he could do was lean forward one last time and press a kiss to the sleeping Omega's forehead and pretend like it didn't hurt.

Heh, anything for Izaya, right?

A/N: *laughs brokenly* Are you crying because I'm crying!

I'll work on A Little at a Time next. You know, something much fluffier...