A/N: Ne, back again from the dead. Real talk here, I was totally working on TTWS when I should have been working here but I won't put out a new chapter of that until I've at least made a conscious effort to write something here.
Seriously though, an author's work is never done, especially when all of my stories are long and time consuming xD
Enjoy!
"Shitty flea, won't even let me keep my own promises to you."
Dreaming, must be dreaming. Fell asleep leaning against Shizuo, now was dreaming. Izaya didn't even stir.
I guess we've only ever been fighting our nature but I know you Izaya."
Something was wrapped around him, a heavy weight surrounding him on all sides.
"I still mean it when I say I don't want to leave you alone."
Heh, it sounded like Shizuo actually… Izaya still wasn't registering the words, just the timbre of them, their resonant tones somehow translated so well into a dream. His Alpha's scent was everywhere, though considering he'd fallen asleep on top of him, that made sense. It was calm, even with the words nagging at the back of his conscience.
"It means a lot more now," whispered the voice, finally beginning to make sense to the dazed Omega. "But I think it might have always meant the same thing." What, he wondered, what was he talking about? Odd choice for a dream, but maybe there would be some greater purpose later. For now, Izaya just lay still, not caring to rouse himself from this odd soliloquy.
"If I tell you, will you promise not to laugh at me?"
Izaya felt a strange sensation coil at the base of his gut because as his senses returned to him, he started to notice that everything felt a little too real. The weight around him was Shizuo's arms which definitely hadn't been there when he'd drifted off and the words coming from the beast were being murmured into his hair.
"I know I'm a fucking idiot, I always have been. You were always better than me, I've only ever been a monster."
Not a dream, Izaya realized with a jolt that didn't quite make him twitch. No, this is real. Shizuo's really talking to me. What the hell is going on.
Because the Alpha was suddenly too close and Izaya wasn't sure what he was supposed to do but wait it out and pretend to sleep.
"But fuck Izaya, I'm your monster. I'm your Alpha." He sounded like he was in pain, deep, heart-wrenching pain. It scared Izaya because he didn't understand where it was coming from. What's he saying to me? Stop Shizu-chan, just go back to sleep. Don't make me deal with this. "So I guess it's okay if you laugh because it's not so bad coming from you."
Stop talking, I don't want to hear this. But he couldn't move, couldn't bring himself to alert Shizuo to his state of consciousness. Izaya just let the fear paralyze him, forced himself not to twitch. Just let Shizuo's thumb rub circles into his shoulder, pretended like this was just a dream. It doesn't mean anything, don't listen to him.
But he heard the next words all too clearly.
"I love you Izaya."
There were no words, no emotions, just a rushing in his ears and a thumping in his chest that almost drowned out the wry chuckle that came from Shizuo's mouth. W-what? W- How? Izaya's chest ached as his lungs contracted. He must know I'm awake, he has to. Just stop talking Shizu-chan, please. Don't do this to me. You're just imagining things, you're not thinking clearly. Stop!
"Hell, I think I have for a while now, I just didn't realize that's what it was."
I don't want to hear this, you don't mean it, we're nothing but temporary allies, let me go! Izaya's body screamed at him to struggle and break free. Move away from the danger that his Alpha had become. Love made everything dangerous, love made things complicated. There were no lines, who was to stop Shizuo from pushing him, from hurting him if he thought he was doing it for love? Fear beat at his brain incessantly, demanding he get away from the monster holding him tight.
He was about to throw himself backward and away from Shizuo when he felt it. Something wet seeping into his hair, touching his scalp.
Tears.
Shizuo was crying.
No… stop-
"You say it's instincts and you know, I fucking believed you for a while, but it's not." He didn't sound like he was crying, but Izaya felt the evidence. Could practically taste the pain in the air. "None of it is."
I don't want this, I don't care. He's just an Alpha! But he'd let himself care, he'd let himself stay. He'd allowed this to happen and now he was paying the price by losing whatever security he'd had here. I knew it was too good to last. I knew something bad would happen. Not this bad though, not something like this.
Hate he could handle, disgust and rejection were par the course. This wasn't okay.
This he couldn't take.
Shizuo's laugh sounded broken. "Hell, I wish it was." It is Shizu-chan, that's all it is. Stop making it something bigger. "I fucking wish it was just instincts. I wish I could see you as any other Omega but you just fucking aren't and I don't know if that has to do with us being soulmates but I honestly couldn't give less of a shit."
Every word felt like a hot knife jabbed through his heart. He didn't want to hear this, couldn't handle it. This wasn't okay, this was crossing the line but Izaya wasn't sure there was a line anymore if Shizuo was allowed to cry into his hair and talk of emotions neither of them had any business having. These few days weren't supposed to mean anything.
Shizuo shouldn't be whispering the word please repeatedly in that horribly broken voice.
"I've never wanted to keep someone safe like this Izaya, I've never wanted to do everything to make someone happy." Then don't! His mind yelled back. Don't do this, I don't want this. I just wanted it to stop hurting for a bit. Why is this the cost? Because this, these words Shizuo kept saying were worse than the pain of any of his heats.
He could feel Shizuo's breath against his head as he muttered. "But right now, I would do anything for you Izaya. However much it cost me, whatever the price, I would pay it as long as it made you smile."
Stop, please just stop. Izaya could feel his insides crumbling, pain and desperation clawing at him like feral creatures. But he didn't dare move because Shizuo kept talking. Kept saying these things he shouldn't be saying.
Instincts, instincts, instincts. But he couldn't make himself believe it any more. It didn't matter anyway, Shizuo believed it, and that was what scared him the most.
"And I know-" A soft curse, spoken in a raw, unadulterated voice. "I know you're just here because of instincts, but will you let me pretend for just a little while that it's something more? Or is that selfish of me?"
I can't. I can't let you believe this means anything because it doesn't. Izaya knew the words were true, knew they would always be true.
I don't love you.
"Dammit Izaya, what are you doing to me?"
What are you doing to me?
If he could have, if he'd been able to, Izaya would have cried because it hurt and he didn't know why it hurt. It shouldn't, he didn't return Shizuo's affection, didn't want anything other than a moment's respite from the agony of his heats, but Shizuo's words cut into his heart, leaving him bleeding. Izaya wondered if he was shaking but realize that it would probably be lost to the tremors that were coming from his Alpha.
"You're not just some Omega," Shizuo said, suddenly vehement. "I mean it! You're- You're Izaya Orihara, the smartest, sharpest, most dangerous person I know." Stop. But even his thoughts sounded pathetic, fighting against the force of a hurricane he hadn't been prepared for. I'm not worth this Shizu-chan. You're only saying this because you think you love me. You're deluding yourself. "You're better than me in so many ways and you're worth so much, whatever you think otherwise."
There was a soft sniffle and Izaya could feel the man shift, lessening some of the cocooning pressure around him. Even as his mind yelled for him to escape, his heart cried out at the invisible barriers he could feel being erected between them. Let them be set up, I don't want this, I never wanted him. I just wanted a way out and my body just wanted an Alpha.
You were convenient.
"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, even if I thought I hated you. Out of everyone, you're the one who stayed."
And in that moment, Izaya realized exactly what he had to do. I have to leave. I can't stay here. I thought I could, he almost had me convinced it was for the best but it isn't! It hurts too much. He would leave, before Shizuo hurt him and before he hurt himself.
Shizuo's voice was painfully flat as he said, "But in a few days you're going to leave and I'm going to let you, because that's what will make you happy." No, I'm leaving sooner. I'm leaving tonight, you can't keep me here, I need to get out! How, he didn't know. Maybe he'd call Namie, maybe Shinra. Both seemed willing to help him, Izaya would just have to stomach the I told you so speeches. Better than staying here.
Better than staying with the Alpha who thought he loved Izaya.
"I might be your soulmate, but you're your own person. I respect that."
Do you, or are you still lying to yourself? Is this moral justification for taking advantage of me? When does this charade end Shizu-chan? How long do I have?
"So to whatever subconscious part of Izaya is aware right now,"
All of me, too much of me. Why did you have to do this now?
"I'll always love you."
You don't. You'll never really love me. It'll only ever be instincts. You're just an Alpha.
"Even once you leave and never come back."
Izaya wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, he wanted to struggle but he just lay limp, holding back the sounds that wanted to escape him. Forced his breathing to remain level. Prayed his heart wouldn't give him away. The painful thumping that was fear and nothing else.
"But you know, if by some miracle you feel the same," I never will. I will never love you. "I'm going to make you the same promise I did back in high school when we were both idiots and not just me like now."
That, out of everything, gave Izaya pause. W-what? You never… We hated each other back then. You wanted to kill me. Why would you have promised me anything?
Softly, Shizuo said, "I will be your monster, I will be your Alpha. I will keep you from feeling alone and unwanted and worthless because you keep me from feeling like I'm just another Alpha who treats Omegas like scum. You don't always have to be strong because I can be strong for you without seeing you as something less for it. I'll always be here for you. Forever."
Why, why would you say something like this? It had to be instincts, it had to be a mistake. You're supposed to hate me, you're supposed to wish me dead. Shizuo didn't care, Izaya would never rely on him again. So why do you sound so heartbroken? Why do you sound like you meant every word?
Izaya could only pray the tear that leaked out of the corner of his eye went unnoticed.
Then Shizuo was moving away and Izaya was allowed to just go back to lying there. But he could hear Shizuo rubbing at his face, could hear him clear his throat, force himself to go back to the stoic yet caring Alpha Izaya had thought he'd been getting to know. In the end, aren't we all just wearing masks?
But it didn't matter, because he was leaving. Couldn't stay here a moment longer than he had to.
Just pretended like he didn't feel Shizuo's lips pressing against his forehead, so tender, so loving.
Instincts, instincts, instincts...
He wasn't sure how much longer they sat there, long enough for Izaya to wonder if maybe it was all just a dream, wish to god it was. Because he'd been comfortable dammit, he'd thought he could trust Shizuo! But he couldn't, didn't dare after what he'd said.
Because love was dangerous, and Izaya couldn't survive it.
It scared him.
When he finally did open his eyes, Shizuo looked normal, hardly like someone who had just poured out his soul to what he thought was a sleeping Izaya. Thank god I wasn't asleep, thank god I have a chance to get away. The moment he noticed the Raven staring at him, Shizuo shifted and his eyes flickered momentarily with fear before falling back into worry and kindness.
"Izaya, are- are you feeling any better?" I can hear the pain in his voice, why hasn't he learned how to hide it?
"Better," Izaya lied through his teeth, hating how hoarse his voice sounded. Like he'd been the one crying and not Shizuo. "How long was I asleep?"
Craning his neck, Shizuo looked out his kitchen window and squinted at his broken clock for a moment before guessing, "A while. It's not quite dark out yet but it probably will be in an hour or so." So Namie should still be at my office and Shinra is probably eating dinner. Good. That's good.
The idea of leaving hurt, but Izaya knew that staying would hurt worse. Damnit, I used to be cynical about these sorts of things. But that was before Shizuo.
That was before love.
Izaya couldn't help the shudder that raced through him.
Shizuo looked at him with worry. "Are you cold?" So innocent, the way his mouth turned down and he stared at Izaya with such sincerity. So dangerous, because it would be so easy to just believe it was real. It's not. It's all just a lie.
"No, I'm fine," Izaya murmured before his stomach made a plaintive sound, startling the Raven. Shizuo chuckled indulgently, like he hadn't just spilled out his soul, like he wasn't dying inside. No, don't think that way, you're not supposed to care.
"Hungry?"
"Maybe a little." This isn't getting me anywhere. I need to get out!
I need to calm down.
Shizuo glanced back at his kitchen again and Izaya could already see the awkward way he mentally catalogued what food he had before deeming it inadequate. "What do you want to eat, I don't really have much here…" He sounded guilty, like by not providing for Izaya he was letting the man down. You never asked for this Shizu-chan, I never wanted this. Stop making me feel worse, please.
"I don't really…" Izaya trailed off into incoherent mumbles, knowing full well that he wasn't acting normal. Shizuo was bound to pick up on it sometime or other. It wasn't as if he was doing very well at hiding it. I need a plan.
He didn't have a plan.
I need time to come up with a plan.
So he said the first thing that came to his mind. Because it was true and because it got him out of this awkward situation as quickly as possible. "I actually need to use your bathroom Shizu-chan," Izaya admitted, training his eyes on his lap to avoid giving away more that was absolutely necessary. "And a glass of water would be nice." Keep talking, don't let anything show. Well that much he was good at.
He'd had years of practice after all.
Clearing his throat uncomfortably, Shizuo asked, "Um… Can you- I mean, do you think you're up to standing on your own? I can help you if you need me to but…"
Izaya cut him off before the situation could get any more awkward. "No, I can probably stand just fine. But I do need help getting there. If you wouldn't mind of course." Perfect, an opportunity to see how steady I am. Because most of his plans would hinge on his ability to move.
So caught up in his thoughts was he that Izaya almost was able to ignore the wave of pheromones that spilled off of Shizuo as he got to his feet and lifted Izaya into the air. But in the end, he could feel himself getting dizzy as he was swamped with that intoxicating musk that was all Shizuo and all Alpha. No, you can't let yourself do this. Remember what he said, you know what that can mean.
Love. An excuse.
Love. A risk.
Love. A mistake.
Love.
Pain.
Except he didn't want to leave. He knew he had to but he wanted desperately to stay. Like this, it was comfortable. Easy. Izaya didn't have to think because instincts just took over and forced him into a sickly version of peace. Or is it real? Is it all real?
If it was real, Izaya wanted no part of what Shizuo wanted.
If it was instincts, Izaya didn't want to exist in a dangerous lie.
"You okay?" Shizuo was paused outside of the bathroom door, his golden eyes trained on Izaya's face. "You feel tense, did I do something or-"
If only you knew. "No, everything's fine Shizu-chan." Izaya said breezily, using every ounce of his control to loosen his muscles and simply melt into Shizuo's hold. It's wrong. It didn't feel wrong. He almost wished it did, at least then he could pretend that he didn't want it, but like this, he couldn't. "Really, I'm okay."
Dubiously, Shizuo pursed his lips but nudged the door open anyway. Carefully depositing Izaya on the ground, helping him lean against the counter so he didn't fall, the blond Alpha finally backed up and gave him some space. Izaya hated how part of him mourned the loss of contact. "Just call when you…" Trailing off, the man shook his head and left, shutting the door behind him.
Izaya knew their interactions were stilted. There was hardly anything he could do about it, Shizuo was feeling awkward for what he had said and Izaya was defaulting on his usual masks just to hide the panic and fear beating at his brain. It was inevitable, and yet he hated it. I just want to go back to being blissfully ignorant.
Except ignorance was dangerous in a situation like this. He should be glad he knew now, before anything horrible happened. Because it will. Shizuo's an Alpha who fancies himself in love with me. It's bound to end in pain, that's how love works. But he couldn't dwell on that now, he had other matters that were more pressing than mere emotions.
Izaya was distantly pleased to discover that, with a great deal of support, he could stand. Once he'd finished his business, he took a moment to just stare into the old mirror above Shizuo's sink. He looked like hell, he felt like hell. Gotta get out. His eyes were sparking with fear so the Omega took a moment to tighten the reigns on his mind. It was only once his mask was perfect that he let his mind drift to what he was going to do.
Gotta get out.
Biting his lip, Izaya stared at the basin beneath him. He knew that the best thing to do would be to call someone but he didn't want to stoop that low. He'd made a mistake, he'd get himself out of it. Izaya Orihara would walk out of this apartment just like nothing had ever happened. More worried crowded out those thoughts though, making the sink swim in his vision. How fast is Shizu-chan? What if he follows me after I leave? What if I can't leave?
NO! He'd do it, he'd get out. It was the only way.
Tightening his hold on the edge of the counter, Izaya glared at himself. Ignore those doubts, ignore the pain this is making you feel, ignore your emotions, just focus. Just keep your mind on this. Once Shizuo left, Izaya would collect his clothing, get dressed, and… leave. It was simple. After that, he'd probably call Shinra, who was closest, and just stay there until the aftereffects of his heat diminished.
They were still there, even now, but with Shizuo's pheromones in the air soothing him, he could deal.
A knocking on the door reminded Izaya that Shizuo was waiting for him. "Izaya, you-"
"I'm fine." As Shizuo opened the door, Izaya pushed a smile onto his lips. He didn't need to hide the strain in it because that was understandable considering how hard standing was proving to be. Those same pheromones that made his heat bearable also reduced Izaya's knees to jelly. Even more than his heat usually did.
Shizuo looked better for the moment away. His expression had leveled out and he seemed back to the concerned Alpha that he'd been before. He even had a glass of water in his hand, just like Izaya had asked. For just a second, Izaya let himself believe that this was all he was. Just Shizu-chan being Shizu-chan, unable to let anyone get really hurt if he could do something to stop it. It gave him the mental fortitude to let Shizuo wrap a quick arm around his shoulders.
"What do you want to do while I'm gone?" Shizuo asked, letting Izaya sag into his hold while the Omega reached for the glass of water and drank it gratefully. Izaya wanted to feel ashamed that Shizuo made him so weak but he couldn't. It hardly matters, my problems are bigger.
"Just leave me on your bed or something," Izaya suggested, one of his hands shifting so it was clutching Shizuo's arm, using it as a crutch. "I- I think I'd like to try walking there." A nervous laugh that he corrected half-way through to a lighter one. "I've got to get my feet back under me sometime."
Without even questioning him, Shizuo wrapped his arm more securely around Izaya. "Sure," he agreed instantly, giving Izaya a serious look. "But if you start to fall-"
"You'll be there to catch me." Damn him for looking at me like that. Damn him for looking so innocently hopeful. Damn him for making me feel like a monster for wanting to leave.
"Yeah," Shizuo agreed, his eyes too soft for something like this.
Deciding firmly to ignore those things Izaya only now knew was whatever strange idea of love Shizuo held for him, the Raven put the empty glass on the counter before carefully taking a step forward. It hurt, it was nearly impossible, but he managed it nonetheless. It gave him a small amount of hope, just enough to keep him moving. If I can walk with Shizuo's pheromones affecting me as much as is probably possible, then I'll do fine when he's not around.
He'd be fine, really.
Once they finally reached the bed, Izaya all but collapsed into it, exhausted. Shizuo let out a small laugh at the satisfied look on Izaya's face which prompted him to crack an eye open to stare at him. I've got to stop looking at him, Izaya thought with a turn of his stomach that smothered the uncomfortable way his heart jumped.
Because there was too much there, like every word of his confession was printed across his face a thousand times over. Izaya didn't want to remember, he didn't want to let himself believe, even for a second, that love was at all a good thing. It was just a means to an end he didn't want, he had to keep telling himself that.
"Go get food you beast," Izaya murmured, unable to help the flush that spread over his face. He hated himself for making the former insult sound so fond. I've spent too much time around him already, how wonderful that I'll be leaving the moment he gets out of here.
The words felt empty.
Fine, let them feel empty! I don't care! I just need to get out of here while I'm still thinking clearly. But it didn't feel like he was thinking clearly, Izaya's judgment felt more cloudy than ever.
"Yeah," Shizuo agreed. "I'll be back soon."
And then he was gone, his front door swinging shut a few moments later.
Izaya spent a second in still silence before letting out a soft keening cry of mental pain. There were no tears obscuring his vision but Izaya almost wished there were. Now that Shizuo was gone, the Raven had no reason to keep the masks in place. All at once they fell away, exposing the terrified Omega to the world like a raw nerve. Like a punch to the stomach, he was hit again with all the emotions he didn't really want to be feeling.
"Why, why why whywhywhy!?" Izaya curled in on himself as his body flooded with fear and intense hurt. Why did he have to do that, why did he have to pull the rug out from under me, WHY? His breathing shallowed as he fought the panic swelling in his system once more.
NO! I need to focus! Go back to the plan!
But he couldn't. All he could think about were the tears in his hair and the scent of Shizuo surrounding him because it was still there. I don't want to leave, I just wanted to stay. I- I felt safe here! And now that comfort had shifted to fear. That should make it an easy choice, right? Why would he chose the bad thing when freedom was within his reach?
Well it wasn't easy, too much of him wanted to stay. He liked being around Shizuo like this, he enjoyed those moments when his head was resting against Shizuo's collar bone and could hear his heartbeat. It was comfortable, he understood it at some deep unknowable level.
But love changed everything.
Now, he had to get out.
Filled with renewed purpose that just barely overshadowed his internal conflict, Izaya pushed himself upright. His arms twinged under the pressure and threatened to give out but he threw everything into moving, keeping himself steady. Sitting up on the bed, Izaya took that moment to look around the room, making notes of all the things he'd have to get together before he could leave.
His precious coat was still on the ground where it had been left a long time ago along with his shirt and the contents of all his pockets. After a moment of searching, the Raven managed to locate his jeans attop Shizuo's dresser and another few seconds reminded him that his other phone was still in Shizuo's kitchen.
I'll just change, get my stuff together and be gone. It's simple. Which, admittedly, was easy to think when he was still firmly planted on the bed and not trying to move around but he'd be fine. Izaya wasn't just some weak Omega who couldn't take care of himself. He'd gone his whole life learning how to deal with unsuppressed heats. This was nothing.
Nothing… Yeah, nothing at all.
With a shuddering breath that unsettled him more than it calmed him down, Izaya pushed his legs out in front of him and slowly put weight on them.
And they held.
Until a second later when he felt his knees buckling under him. With a cry of surprise, Izaya tucked and rolled to keep himself from falling flat on his face. His whole body felt like a puddle but that was nothing new, he couldn't dwell on it. So I can't stand right this instant, so what? Hopefully, once some of Shizuo's pheromones had faded from the surrounding area, he'd be a bit stronger, if in a tad more pain.
So he didn't complain as he was forced to crawl towards his coat, shirt, and the various things scattered around it. Sitting back on his heels, Izaya forced his fumbling fingers to cooperate with him as he carefully started replacing the various bits and pieces Shizuo had shaken loose. Do I really have that many sets of keys?
He knew full well he was missing at least three phones, but seeing as one of them was in the kitchen and the other two weren't immediately visible, they would just have to be sacrificed for the greater good. It was terrifying that this had escalated to the point where he was willing to leave potentially incriminating evidence lying around in the den of the monster but that was just how it had to be.
Den of the monster, home of my Alpha, a safe haven that I'm just running from.
God, he really needed to stop thinking.
Once he'd deemed his things properly gathered, Izaya laid his shirt out and struggled to work Shizuo's T-shirt off. It was far harder than it should have been.
He'd long since grown accustomed to this feeling, the terrible disconnect between mind and body that occurred during a heat. Every reaction was delayed, ever movement was overshot and clumsy, even facial expressions were out of his control. And as ever, it was accompanied by the horrible full body tingling that almost hurt. Like every nerve had fallen asleep and was trying desperately to wake up. Even with the pain dulled by Shizuo's naturally soothing Alpha pheromones, it was just short of pins and needles.
But Izaya had gotten used to it, been forced to really, and so he didn't lose his patience, even when his hands lost their grip more than once and his fingers acted more like rubber than flesh and bone. It didn't take that long, all things considered, for him to struggle out of the shirt and toss it across the room. The cool air hit his bare torso and Izaya shivered, gritting his teeth against the lethargic, compounding chills that worked their way up his spine.
As he reached quickly for his own shirt, Izaya caught sight of his wrist and his stomach did another uncomfortable flip.
I've only ever been a monster.
Against his ivory skin, Izaya could clearly see the bruises, the fingerprints left imprinted into his skin. Without his consent, images of what had been just yesterday flashed through his mind. Shizuo, pulsing with power and anger as he slammed the Omega against the wall of the alley, the feeling of his grip grinding the bones of Izaya's wrist together as he pinned it above his head. That helpless terror that had filled him as he'd struggled fruitlessly.
The overwhelming and disgusting want that had almost entirely eclipsed his mind.
But fuck Izaya, I'm your monster.
Izaya clenched his hands on the material of his shirt and closed his eyes, biting his lip hard.
I'm your Alpha.
Burned onto the backs of his eyelids, the blinding image of Shizuo's righteous fury when, despite Izaya's best efforts, he had rushed to protect the Raven.
Sucking in a trembling breath, Izaya's eyes flew open as he shuddered, caving in on himself. He didn't want to leave, he didn't want to run, he didn't want to be here in the middle of Shizuo's room, struggling to put on a T-shirt that smelled like fear and the hands of other Alphas. All Izaya wanted was to just crawl back into Shizuo's bed and… pretend.
Pretend like there weren't problems that made doing just that so incredibly impossible.
With hands that moved like syrup, Izaya forced his shirt over his head. Deteriorating mental state aside, he couldn't just stop moving. This was more important that his in-the-moment feelings, this was his sanity on the line.
Just keep telling yourself that.
He was just reaching for his coat when Izaya heard one of his phones go off. It took him a moment to register where it was coming from, under Shizuo's side table where it lit up like a firefly in the dark. For a brief period, all his muddled mind could think was so that's where that phone went before he caught up with himself and his eyes widened.
Because you see, Namie wasn't the only one with a specific ringtone. Izaya was highly organized after all. Sometimes, you just needed to know who was calling you when you were in the middle of extorting large amounts of information from someone so you could make a snap decision on whether to answer. This ringtone was one of those that if he heard it, Izaya tended to drop everything and pick up.
Which, as it turned out, was what he did then, abandoning his coat so he could lunge across the room for the wailing device. Hardly in any shape to be leaping anywhere, Izaya found himself having to struggle along at a pathetic army crawl across the floor till he could paw the sleek black phone from its hiding place. Though he could hardly bring back even a thin guise of composure, Izaya forced himself to pick up the call.
Because there are some things you just can't ignore.
"Orihara-san, how good of you to answer," murmured the dark voice of Shiki through the phone. Taking a shaky breath, Izaya forced himself upright till he was leaning against the bed. Why now? Why here? "Your wonderful secretary made it sound like you might be… otherwise detained."
"Ah, well as ever, she's only partially correct." Izaya said breezily before abandoning the topic altogether. I don't need him anywhere near this situation right now. "But you must have called for a reason, what seems to be the trouble?"
"I was naturally wondering why the information I requested wasn't already in my hands," Shiki said smoothly, too collected. Izaya felt in shambles by comparison. Well he was in pieces, it wasn't exactly an inaccurate statement.
"I was detained," Izaya bit out, glancing back at his coat and wondering if he could juggle his phone and getting to it.
"It's funny you should say that Orihara-san," Shiki commented blithely. "Because it seems you've been occupied all day. People have been by your apartment among other places in an attempt to find you." The words didn't sit well in Izaya's stomach so he swallowed hard.
"My my Shiki-san, that sounds awfully obsessive." Izaya bit his lip as the beginning twinges of serious pain flickered through him, making his clothing uncomfortable, making every movement hurt. "What could have possibly sparked such a mission?"
"Call it professional curiosity if it lets you sleep easier," Shiki answered, his tone nonchalant. "Considering extenuating circumstances, I felt a bit of healthy prying was in order." Izaya didn't like it, not one bit, but then he took part in some friendly spying of his own so he'd rather not call the kettle black.
"And what, pray tell, would those circumstances be?" Izaya asked, gritting his teeth as more flickers of pain worked there way up his neck. Realizing the position he was in, the Raven gave up on just talking to Shiki and started edging his way back to his coat.
"Funny that someone like you would treat going into heat so flippantly," commented the Awakusu-kai executive in his typical calm voice. Izaya grit his teeth but didn't react. He didn't have time to get offended.
"I don't treat it that way in the slightest," Izaya spat, irritable that he'd suggest such a thing. No, don't lose your cool. You're not in a place where you can afford to let your masks slip. "It's just lasting a little longer than I expected, I'm perfectly fine."
But Shiki didn't get where he was by being an idiot. "Orihara-san, I would have hoped that after all this time you'd trust me a little more than you clearly do. Where are you?" It wasn't a pleasant question, it was as good as an order.
Izaya let out a shallow laugh that was cut short by the lancing pain that shot through his lower half. No, I need to focus, I'm fine. "That's really none of your business Shiki-san. My personal life is mine and mine alone." Fruitlessly straining to reach the corner of his coat, Izaya grit his teeth. "And if you're worried about the job, I'll have it done shortly. In fact, I was just heading home."
"Don't treat me like a fool," Shiki said, voice dangerous. "I've invested too much time and money into you for you to do something stupid. Tell me where you are and what your situation is. Believe me, if you need to be extracted, I'm more than happy to send someone to-"
Izaya's stomach lurched at the idea of the Yakuza coming after Shizuo, really coming after him, not just the little attempts that they made every now and then to make sure he was still a credible power. "I do not need help Shiki-san, I'm fine. I just made a mistake and I'm in the middle of rectifying it." His hand caught the corner of his coat just as a bolt of agony made his vision go white. A moment later, Izaya found himself collapsed to the floor, phone fallen to the side.
Grabbing for it, Izaya caught Shiki's response. "You are not fine whatsoever. I can hear it. Your voice is trembling." Izaya hated how calm he was about the whole thing, like Izaya was just one more problem he needed to have taken care of. "I'd rather keep my informant in one piece. You don't exactly get a say in this."
"You have no right to say something like that to me!" Izaya snapped, furious. He knew his emotions were escaping his hold, but he couldn't help it. His body felt cold, stiff and painful. Izaya had a sudden thought of Shizuo and bit his lip to hold back the inevitable wave of regret. I've got to get moving. "I'm not helpless. You know that."
"But you're also an Omega," Shiki pointed out, in that horrible way that forced Izaya to realize that no matter how long he had fought the system, he was still a part of it. "And right now, you're weak and, if I'm any judge, in a bad place. You need to let go of your pride for a moment and admit that you aren't as strong as the rest of the world."
"I will do what I want to do any you will stay out of it!" Izaya snapped, scrambling to sit up again, despite the pain, despite the screaming in his head. "I made a mistake, I know I did, but that's none of your business. Whatever I do, I have the right to do it. You have no right to tell me what to do. I am not some weak Omega who can't fend for myself."
Shiki was silent, remained that way for long enough that Izaya wondered if he'd hung up, but then he spoke in a slow, steady voice. "I've been around the underside of this world for a long time. You look out at the rest of society, ninety-nine percent of it even, and you see Omegas in good healthy relationships, functioning equally in society. But down here with us, that isn't true."
His tone sent panic flickering through Izaya. Rebelling against it, Izaya reminded himself that Shizuo wasn't like that, that he was only a monster when he needed to be, but he couldn't quite make himself believe it anymore.
"At the fringes, Omegas aren't worth anything. I can't even count the number of trafficking rings, slave trades, cases of forced prostitution and worse that I've seen. You know as well as I do the bruises on the pretty faces that creep after their mates. You know what it's like in the depraved circles we operate in. Pain and virtual slavery, it's inevitable for Omegas down here. If it's all the same to you Orihara-san, I'd rather that not be you." Shiki didn't even need to state it, he just knew what Izaya wasn't telling him.
It burned, and it made Izaya's breath shorten in fear.
"I'm not down there," he murmured, protesting even though he wasn't sure what he was fighting. Just fighting myself now, aren't I?
The laugh that echoed through the connection was bitter and damning. "Oh Orihara-san, you know better than anyone that you never truly leave."
"Well," Izaya muttered, struggling to pull himself together. "Thank you for your concern, but I really really must be going Shiki-san. I'll keep your wise words of wisdom in mind." And then he hung up, because he didn't want to have to handle this.
It's not like that, Shizu-chan's not like that. He's not a monster, not really. He's just an Alpha who's trying his best. Just because he mistakenly thinks he's in love with me doesn't mean that he's a bad person. He's not going to hurt me!
Izaya could still distantly remember his parents, the little contact that he'd had with them. His mother had been a beautiful Omega, one who'd been loved and treated like a queen. That was most people, Shiki had said as much, most Omegas weren't horribly mistreated and even if they didn't rise to positions of power, they were content.
But from a young age, Izaya had seen the rest of it. Witnessed the white-faced Omegas being led to windowless vans by thick chains. Seen the bodies and the unspeakable injuries. Been exposed to the worst of the world willingly. Every time, he'd told himself that he'd never let that be him. He'd protect himself, he'd be safe.
He'd be powerful.
Even his sisters didn't know what his secondary gender was. They'd always asked and every time he'd told them that it didn't matter, that sort of thing meant nothing in the long run. Izaya had said that he wanted to be judged, not on his biology, but on merit.
All of it, nothing but a disguise for what he was.
And as much as he wanted to tell himself that Shizuo would treat him well, Izaya knew that wasn't true. Eventually, Shizuo would realize he didn't actually love Izaya because there was too much between them to just forget. Someday, it would be Izaya's face that was black and blue, his hipbones and ribs that were broken and mangled. There was too much hate between them for there to ever be anything other than pain between them.
Get up.
His body hurt, thrown right back into his heat like it had never abated. Izaya bit his cheek as he forced himself into his coat.
Get out.
Glancing at the sweatpants on his legs, Izaya pulled at them, trying to get them off. It was hard, his body was hardly responding at all which was to be expected but he didn't need this right now, he needed mobility.
Forget him.
As he shimmied the pants off his legs, Izaya could feel his emotions getting closer to the tipping point. In a few minutes, he'd be leaving. Shizuo would be nothing but a bad memory. God, why do I have to do this? He wondered as his legs screamed in pain and his skin seared with over-sensitivity. Why can't I stay?
Izaya wanted to cry, but he had to keep moving.
Now free of the sweatpants, Izaya zeroed in on his skinny jeans, on top of Shizuo's dresser, across the room. Determination and sheer stubbornness giving him strength, Izaya crawled across the floor, hardly able to do even that. It all hurt so much, but he forced it down, tried to find solace in his mind.
But all he found there were Shizuo's words.
I will be your monster.
His lower body collapsed out from under him, leaving him with only his arms. It was desperation that kept him moving, that and fear.
I will be your Alpha.
Shizuo had always looked so sincere, like all he ever wanted was to help. Izaya knew that, but he also knew what a piece of trash like himself deserved.
I will keep you from feeling alone and unwanted and worthless.
Izaya's lip bled as he dug his teeth into it, holding in the cries of pain that threatened to escape him. He could do this, it wasn't that hard, right? It was just his skinny jeans and then he could leave, he would call Shinra and everything would be fine.
Because you keep me from feeling like I'm just another Alpha who treats Omegas like scum.
It didn't matter that Izaya wanted to cry, it didn't matter that he had cried more times that he could count in the last forty-eight hours. It didn't matter that Shizuo had broken down before him so beautifully, baring his soul for Izaya to ridicule and mock just for the chance that maybe he could get Izaya to understand.
You don't always have to be strong.
Izaya didn't love Shizuo, it was as simple as that. This was nicer in the long run, he was sparing the Alpha's imagined feelings like the considerate Omega he was. The Raven's emotions didn't come into play because he didn't even understand them anyway. They didn't mean a thing.
Because I can be strong for you without seeing you as something less for it.
Izaya didn't care. He was fine. He was going to get out of this.
I'll always be here for you.
Shizuo didn't matter.
Forever.
Letting lose a hollow, terrible laugh, Izaya's fingers scrabbled at the wall as he fought to sit up. Above him he could see his jeans. This was just another test. If he could just get dressed, he could leave. It was so stupid but he could hardly think through the pain clouding his mind. Everything hurt. His body was on fire, his eyes were glazed and he was one second away from collapsing but he could do this.
Except…
He couldn't.
Straining to stand up, Izaya found himself nearly hyperventilating as his body kept him on the ground, kept him from moving. He'd come all this way, and he couldn't even stand up.
I'm not worth anything, all I am is just another Omega.
And at last, the tears started slipping from his eyes. They started out slow, hardly noticed in Izaya's panic, but they quickly multiplied, dripping down his cheeks like sparkling crystals. Breath catching on a sob, Izaya clumsily wiped at his face only for his arm to scream in pain, just like the rest of his body.
I can't do it, I can't get away. I'm stuck here, I'm stuck with Shizu-chan. He's going to kill me, I can't do anything.
Hell, he couldn't even wrestle one of his phones out of his pocket. His hands wouldn't even move anymore, it hurt too much. It was like the night before, but this time, he couldn't find any peace in his mind, all he found was fear. As great, shuddering gasps of pain left his lips, Izaya curled up against the wall, just wishing, wishing-
Wishing that Shizuo was there.
Wanting him to come and rescue him and hating himself for the thought.
And yet the name left his mouth, a breathless plea for help.
"Shizu-chan."
Another sob, his head started to pound. As if he wasn't in enough pain.
"Sh-shizu-chan please."
His spine set white-hot jolts of pain through him where it dug into the wall. Why didn't I stay in bed, why did Shizuo have to do this to me? Why does he have to love me?
"I'm sorry," he whispered through the sobs. "I'm s-sorry."
The room just threw the words back at him, almost mocking in the face of his pain.
And yet he deserved it, didn't he?
He deserved it…
A/N: I cliffhangered and I didn't even mean to-
Is what I would say if I planned not to update for three years.
What? Was that not what you wanted? You wanted fluff did you? You wanted to smile? YOU WANTED TO BE HAPPY?
WHO'S STORY DO YOU THINK THIS IS AHHAHAHAHAHA!
Aww, y'all are just so precious.
But in all seriousness, Daime Guiral, you're why this happened. I don't mean to point fingers, I mean, I'm happy about it, but really, you renewed my sadistic purpose in life. For that I say thank you.
NOW! off to write something that apparently isn't actually fluff but is definitely fluffier than this. Ta ta my darlings~