Hey so I found the song "I Believe" from Spring Awakening, the version Lea is in. There is another video of her character and Jonathan's character...hmm, yeah...weird scene hahaha. But might use that song in this? NAH! haha!

21. Mid-April, After Regional.

We won Regional! I was so happy that we won and everyone decided to sing my own song, All or Nothing, and I'm sure that was the best song the judges had ever heard in the competition today. Glee had a party at Sugar's house and although Mr. Schue didn't attend, because Coach Sue has been on his butt about how an adult male is attending underage children's parties, Finn came along to celebrate. The graduates minus Rachel came too. Rachel was working on her Funny Girl stuff. According to Santana and Kurt, they're sick and tired of hearing her sing 'Don't Rain On My Parade' over and over in the shower.

I didn't take any drugs until after Regional. I'm not a Dalton and used a performing drug, but weed could count for something right? But as soon as Regional was over I went back to getting high. When I was high I felt happier than I did. I felt just as happy when I was with Ryder too but he's been stuck with family drama lately so I've had to keep myself occupied and make my own happiness. So I've gotten weed from Minnie. Also lately I've been drinking a little each night. Every time I drank myself to sleep I blocked out all the bad things in my life and only saw good things. Classes, Glee practice, Mom's death, Dad still sending letters to me, keeping my weight as it's current number, keeping my homework up and still dealing with mean insults from Tina. Why she continued I'm not sure, but it hurt as hell when she did.

When I got high all I saw was myself on a stage and singing to an audience. Just like I did when I was seven. Sometimes I couldn't see the audience, sometimes I could see my Glee friends in the front row cheering me on. Glee kids and he graduates and Mr. Schue and Finn there too. And Mom would be in the middle row cheering for me the loudest. Except this time it was Ryder giving be a bouquet of kittens after I finished singing and came off the stage. We then be kissing under a moonlight of stars.

I'd wake up hungover but smiling from the dream.

Lark came over a couple of times and we got high together. I was showering once and he was taking a pee in the toilet when he asked, "Marley...chicken ass."

I cracked up so much that I had to sit down in the tub and cover my mouth. Lark kept yelling chicken ass as he left the bathroom and went back to the living room. I finished showering and put my shorts and crop top on and met him back downstairs where he was watching TV. "Chicken Farts!" I yelled.

We both laughed after that. The doorbell rang and I told them to come in. It was Ryder who stopped in his tracks upon seeing us.

"Marley? Lark?" He asked.

"Hi Ry-Ry!" I laughed. I walked over and hugged him and kissed his cheek. "I missed you!"

"It's only been three hours...are you high?" He asked me.

"NOOOO!" I giggled. "I'm a birdy! Tweet! Tweet! Tweet! Tweet!" I flapped my arms like a bird and spun around in a circle. "Tweet! Tweet! Tweet! Tweet!"

"Birdy!" Lark laughed, smoking another joint. "Ryder it's a bird!"

Ryder didn't move. He just stood there shocked and confused before shaking his head and he stopped me from spinning and spinning and spinning around. "Aww you're not fun!"

"Marley...why'd you smoke pot?"

"I...uh...fun." I laughed.

"Marley, is this about your Mom?" He asked me. "Marley if you are still upset about your Mom dying it's okay, but don't take out the pain this way. You need to stop or I have to tell someone before you damage yourself."

"Your no fun cousin!" Lark yelled.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP LARK!" Ryder yelled. "HOLY SHIT! IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU AND BRETT STONER MARLEY WOULDN'T OF EVEN TRIED THIS SHIT!"

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!" I covered my ears and began to sob. Too much screaming. "No loud! No loud!" But I felt Ryder rocking me in his arms minutes later and telling me it would be okay.

He stayed until Lark and I recovered from being high. He took all the weed and dumped it down the toilet. He went through Lark's pockets and my bag for more. He found cigarettes in my bag. He tossed those out before deciding that that was everything we had. "Is the liquor Minnie's?"

"Yes!" I yelled. God, did he have to yell at me? "I got it, I got it."

"Marley Rose, you need to stop doing this shit or I will tell someone on you. I care about you and I don't want you to end up like Lark over here."

"What?" Lark groaned.

"Shut your pie hole." Ryder told him. He turned back to me and said, "Please stop. Just stop."

"Fine, fine. Pinkie promise." I held my pinkie out, which he hooked. "Ryder?"

"Yes beautiful?"

"Can you go get me pizza and brownies?"

What did he mean I did this crap because of Mom dying? I've done it before. It's to keep me calm down and not stress out so much. I sat in bed, next to the window an ash tray and some cigarettes that Minnie got me on the way home. I lit up a cigarette and smoked two of them before falling asleep.

I'm much more confident now than ever.