AN – I know its been a long time. I mostly got really busy and with all the stress I just couldn't write. But I am back because I need the therapy that writing provides. I am absolutely heartbroken by Derek's death. WTF Shonda! The writing was appalling, the send off a slap in the face to all us fans. Derek deserved more, Patrick deserved more. I am beyond flabbergasted at this travesty. Patrick wanted to leave I think, but not now and certainly not like this.

It was cruel, cold, heartless. Shonda has become sadistic, she enjoys killing her characters, she's not interested in happily ever after's. She should be more respectful, there would be no show without us fans because no fans mean no ratings and no ratings = no show. MerDer have been the absolute heart of this show since its inception and to end it like that was just a gigantic FU to us. I hope she tanks all her shows and we get to take pleasure in the fact she ends up in the unemployment line.

I'll try to keep watching only for Ellen because I know without a shadow of a doubt she will be amazing…but guess what, Ellen doesn't need her other half to die to shine – Derek's death was just absolutely unnecessary. I want to say I want it to end after this season but I'd find that even crueler because that would mean she could have kept Patrick to the end of the season and they could have ridden off in the sunset together. So I hope it stays at least till season 12 and that's it.

I always clang to the hope Ellen and Patrick would exit together but I always knew if either left before the other death would be probably the only answer, but I expected it to be a beautiful lead up like Sandra. It seems this was personal and the fact that Shonda let her personal feelings cloud her show is just the worst kind of unprofessionalism I have ever seen.

But guess what, you can take Derek away on the show like the stupid fool you are but you cannot take him from us here, we will make sure he stays alive cause to us he will never be dead.

I hope there is a plot twist and an elaborate trick for ratings, but if not you better stay hidden lady cause the entire world is gonna be throwing shit at you from every angle and you will deserve every hit you take.

I was originally planning to try wrap up "Tears and Rain" but there's just something about the story right now that I just can't deal with after all this. So I have decided to get back into this story as it's like reliving MerDer from the beginning just different circumstances.

So a few things before I get down to it. I have fixed Mer's age in all chaps to eighteen. I have changed Mer and Amelia to attending College to Columbia, I looked it up and you can do Pre-Med and Med School there. I also changed Natalie Shepherd to Lizzie since we found out that's her real name.

Anyway let's get into chapter three.

Chapter Three
Wanting What You Can't Have

"Why is it that human beings seem to fall for the person they know they can't have? What's with our need to torture ourselves with unattainability? We know very well we shouldn't want them and we know how much it hurts knowing we can't be with them – but against all rationality we still want them anyway."

The world felt like it had stopped around them as they inched closer to one another. Only, even in this quiet little world of theirs where no one existed but the two of them, Meredith still held a shed of clarity. She knew what was happening, and she wanted it, problem was she knew she shouldn't want it – he had a girlfriend after all. Meredith averted her gaze from Derek's to a tiny splatter of blood on the bridge of his nose. She reached up and wiped it away.

"Blood." Meredith murmured, a small smirk gracing her lips. The bubble burst, and the world around them came back into focus.

"Great…," he chuckled darkly. "I am wearing my patient." Meredith stifled a laugh.

"I could think of worse things…," she grinned as she casually backed from him. "Like vomit." A mischievous glint crossed Derek's eyes.

"You're mocking me?" Pretending to be hurt.

"Not at all Dr. Shepherd." She grinned as she turned and began to leave the tunnels.

"And now you are walking away." Meredith turned, chuckling.

"I am not…I have to get back to work." She defended

"Sure you do…," he teased, sitting up on the gurney. "I confess my deep dark fears, you mock me and then walk away. Some friend you are, Grey." Unclipping his pager, he lies back on the gurney, his arms tucked behind his head.

Meredith shakes her head, grinning. "Funny." She says with mock sarcasm. Derek turned on his side to face her and silence befalls them. Their smiles, which are filled with mirth both turned into reverent ones. Derek felt at ease, he felt so comfortable and more himself when he was around Meredith.

It was like time had stopped again for them, and the bubble returned.

Meredith felt the intensity of Derek's stare and she looked down at her feet, knowing she had to leave, she wasn't going to be that girl, the kind that broke up a relationship.

"I…uh…I really do have to get back to work." Meredith murmured, unsure if her admission was more for his or her benefit.

"I know." Derek nodded, understanding. Meredith turned and began walking out the door. Just keep on walking, Meredith. She let out the breath she was holding and stepped into the awaiting elevator. Leaning up against the back of the elevator, lost in her own thoughts. She couldn't have feelings for Derek – she couldn't want him…but against all logic…No! She berated herself. Her phone beeped and she checked the message, which was from Amelia.

From: Amelia Shepherd

Hey Meredith. So about that party, it's tonight at West Campus Dorms. Damien Bradley is hosting…yes I know he's a dick, but admittedly he does know how to throw a party. Meet me out front at 8 PM and get ready to bust a move with me, it's been a shit week!

Meredith grinned as the elevator doors opened – this was exactly the distraction she needed.

To: Amelia Shepherd

Oh I'll be there…along with Jose. It's been a shit week for me as well!

From: Amelia Shepherd

Jose?

To: Amelia Shepherd

Jose Cuero – we are very old friends.

From: Amelia Shepherd

Tequila…hah see I knew there was a reason I liked you.

To: Amelia Shepherd

Right back at you – I'll see you tonight, right now I have to tend to a case of exploding diarrhea.

From: Amelia Shepherd

I should be repulsed…but I have to admit I'm kind of jealous…least you get to practice medicine!

Meredith stowed her phone away and picked up her patient's chart and headed up to Paeds. Her patient was a seven-year-old boy named Jamie Fowler. The poor child was admitted last night; so far he was being treated with antibiotics for the virus in his system and fluids via IV.

"Hey Jamie." She greeted him. The little boy perked up and smiled. Meredith had been on the case since he was admitted and the boy had appeared to have taken a liking to Meredith so Lauren had instructed her to stick with him.

"Hey Meredith." He greeted before averting his gaze back up to the television, which was showing cartoons. Meredith pulled her stethoscope out and began taking his vitals.

"How you feeling today?" She asked him as she took his pulse.

"A bit better, but my tummy still hurts." Jamie said, listlessly. Meredith noted the light sheen of sweat on his forehead and immediately took his temperature. 104.3 F. Meredith knew this was a high-grade fever and she immediately paged his doctor and Lauren.

"Where's your Mom?" Meredith asked, trying to keep him conscious and distracted.

"She's at work, her boss is mean. She told him I was sick but he said he'd fire Mommy if she didn't show up for work today. Mommy works real hard to pay the bills, but she couldn't lose her job." Jamie explained, immediately defending his mother as if he feared Meredith would judge her – indicating this had happened before. Her heart went out to the little boy and his mother, it couldn't be easy on her, being a single mother and trying to give your son the best life she possibly could. That was more than her own mother ever did for her.

"He sounds like a nasty man," Meredith agreed. She often at times could not quite comprehend the callousness of some people. She sat in the chair beside Jamie's bed and lent toward him, smiling reassuringly. "But you know what, we are going to take great care of you and when she gets off work today give her a big cuddle, I think that will brighten her day." Meredith winked at him and stood up as Lauren entered the room.

"You paged?" Lauren asked, then turned to gaze at Jamie giving him a broad smile.

"Yes," she murmured and motioned for Lauren to follow her outside. She didn't want Jamie to overhear and frighten him. "Jamie has a fever of 104.3 F, I have paged Dr. Manning." Meredith explained to her as Dr. Manning joined them. His look was sour; unimpressed that he had been disturbed for a child with diarrhea.

"We might need to change his medication, doctor." Lauren stated.

"More than likely, but I will make that determination, nurse." Manning responded, scathingly.

"You," he pointed at Meredith. "Page Dr. Sloan and have him handle the case from here." He said dismissively. Jerk. Meredith thought as he waved her away.

Derek was right, he really is a moron, but she considered adding jackass to his less than stellar description. She walked towards the nurse's station to page Dr. Sloan but as luck would have it Mark was leaning back in a chair behind the desk, staring up at the ceiling.

"Dr. Sloan," she called, placing the patient's chart in front of him. "I was just about to page you." She explained. Mark looked Meredith up and down appreciatively, finally getting a closer look at the nurse that Derek had warned him away from.

"To an on-call room I hope." Mark flirted. He had dirty in his eyes. Meredith raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah…," she scoffed. "In your dreams!" Rolling her eyes at him knowing full well of Mark's reputation of being every female employee's favorite 'sex toy,' so to speak. "Dr. Manning has assigned you a case I am on, room 2201, patient is Jamie Fowler, he was admitted last night with a violent case of diarrhea. Dr. Manning has put him on antibiotics to treat the virus but he just spiked a temp of 104.3 F." Meredith opened the chart to her notes, dismissing his flirtatious behavior toward her. Mark simply groaned the moment he heard diarrhea.

"You know I am riding a career right into Plastics and this is what I get, stuck with the kid that poops every five seconds." Mark complained as he picked up the chart and stood.

"Well hop to it Princess." Meredith responded sarcastically. Mark exuded arrogance and normally it wouldn't piss her off but she liked her patient and refused to let this interns belief that the task was beneath him, compromise Jamie's care.

"Princess?" He questioned, affronted.

"Yes, because you and plastics have two things and common. Pretty and frivolous." Meredith smirked, enjoying knocking him off his pedestal.

"Plastics is not pretty and frivolous." Mark became defensive. He was often misunderstood. Sure he was arrogant, callous at times and the kind of guy that slept with you and doesn't call you the next day – but he wasn't without a heart and he isn't as shallow like as what he lets people think.

"Yes, because you're afraid to get your hands dirty, you are the half-wit fools who don't have the balls to do real surgery," Meredith knocked him down peg by peg. "But hey, since you're here pretending you actually have what it takes let's get back to the case at hand," she snaps, grabbing the chart and showing Mark Jamie's latest vitals, again. "I think his medication needs to be changed, clearly, what he is currently on isn't working." Mark knew she was mostly having a go at him, people do have a tendency to underestimate him – often assuming his arrogance and bravado merely exists to cover for his ineptness. But he also wasn't going to stand here and be told what to do by a nurse.

"Last time I checked I am the doctor and you are the nurse. Here's a thought: you can tell me what to do with my patient after you spend four years in med school, until then…" He left the rest to her imagination and walked off to tend to his diarrhea.

Lauren's mouth was ajar slightly and her expression was full of contempt as she walked up beside Meredith.

"Did he just…?" She asked Meredith. She wasn't astonished as she knew very well that this isn't the first time a doctor has been arrogant enough to assume nurses were simply servants – but it still never ceased to make her speechless when it does happen.

"Yep." Meredith answered, crossing her arms in front of her.

"Well Grey, feel free to give him hell." Lauren smirked. Meredith raised an eyebrow. "Within reason of course." She winked at her and sat down to do her work.

/ / /

Mark was mentally exhausted as he dumped his food tray next to Derek's. This was not how he wanted his afternoon to go. First he got mocked and torn a new one by an itty bitty nurse, then he spent an hour getting diarrhea boy's temp down and then the next two hours researching a medication that Jamie wouldn't have a reaction to since it seems the child was allergic to pretty much everything.

"What's your problem?" Derek asked as he popped a piece of tomato in his mouth.

"I just spent my afternoon with a kid with violent diarrhea, Manning didn't want to deal with the kid so he palmed him off to me. Your sister's friend also bitched me out. The girl's got sass and I like that but where does she get off telling me how to treat my patient." Mark complained as he took a long draw from his bone dry cappuccino.

"Huh, well you and diarrhea…hell you and a kid in general, I'd pay to see that," Derek smirked. "As for the rest, well that sounds like Meredith." He shrugged.

"She called me pretty and frivolous." Mark scoffed.

"So, did she say something wrong?" Derek deadpanned.

"I am not pretty and frivolous…wait…well I am pretty, she's right about that." Mark responded matter-of-factly.

"Uh huh." Derek rolled his eyes at him – it was not news to him that Mark practically thought he was God's gift to women. "Look the little time I've gotten to know Meredith she is sassy and bossy but it always comes from a good place." He explained as his mind drifted to earlier.

"Hah, now I understand why you told me to stay away from her." Mark accused.

"What's that supposed to me?" Derek asked defensively.

"You're in to her." Mark stated, he could see it in Derek's face. He had known him practically his whole life, and he knew that expression on his face before – only this time it seemed like it was even more than before.

"I am not. I have a girlfriend." He answered dismissively. Mark's pager shrilled loudly. He groaned, unable to enjoy his meal. He stood up leaving his food untouched, cappuccino in hand and he began to walk away but stopped and turned back to Derek. Mark knew Derek better than possibly his own sisters. Addison was a beautiful woman and most people would be happy with just that…but this was Derek – he needed it to be more than that.

"A girlfriend who you won't grow a pair and propose to, despite being together for almost four years. I wonder why that is?" Mark didn't stay to hear Derek's answer because he already knew what the truth was – even if Derek wasn't aware of it just yet.

Mark roughly pressed the button to call the elevator at the south wing. The doors opened and he hit level four. He stood at the back of the elevator, pondering his own words to Derek. Addison was perfect and beautiful, he didn't want her to get hurt, she was his friend too, but Derek was like his brother and all he wanted for him was to do what made him happy.

The doors to the elevator opened to the fourth floor and Mark pushed his thoughts to the back of his mind – they were getting a little too girly for his liking. He walked straight to 2208 and noticed a red headed nurse taking the patient's vitals.

"You paged." Mark motioned her to hand over the chart.

"Yes, Mr Gregory has Pica Disease and has swallowed his entire chess piece set, we need to locate all the pieces." The nurse replied, a smirk lacing her features as she pressed a pair of gloves into his hand and a bed pan with Mr Gregory's poo in it. What is it with poo today? He mentally groaned.

"Isn't that your job?" Mark asked the nurse pointedly. He finally recognized her, well her wrapped around his body against the shelves of the supply closet on the third floor. If he wasn't mistaken she was rather enjoying herself at the time.

"Not today, I was told to page you and only you." She was clearly taking pleasure in this, one look at the scowl on her features Mark knew. Yep, that's the last time I'll ever see her naked again. Why can't they understand a lay is a lay?

She left the room, shutting the door behind her. Mark was thankful Mr Gregory was asleep so he wasn't forced to make small talk as well. He snapped his gloves on and began sifting through his poo. He pulled out a white king. Staring at the small cross on the pieces head he just couldn't fathom how anyone, disease or no disease would willingly swallow that! His pager sounded and he snapped his gloves off to check it.

It was the nurses' station. Mark covered the bedpan and went out to see what they wanted. Meredith was behind the desk sorting through paperwork it seemed.

Glancing up, "Good you're here, 2104 needs her drain changed, 2110 has junky veins and needs a central line, 2107 needs an enema and down in the clinic there are five rectal exams that need to be performed." Meredith picked up the charts and placed them on the counter in front of him. Mark sifted through and frowned.

"None of these are my patients." Mark slapped the chart closed and pushed them back toward Meredith.

"They are Dr. Manning's patients, and since you are his intern that makes them your patients as well." Meredith raised an eyebrow at Mark, daring him to challenge her. Mark picked up the charts and got to work. This was how the rest of his day looked, being paged left, right and center and piled on with case after case by Manning – work nurses mostly would normally do and he couldn't quite place what exactly he had done to piss Manning off so much.

Finally, he was done scrounging through poop, rectal exams and IV's. He saw Manning at the nurses' station with Dr. Rodriguez, their Chief Resident. Manning was a dick, that much was clear but this was more than his normal torture, he had done something and he wanted to know what so he could get back in his good books and back on real cases.

"Sir, I get I am an intern and I'm the bottom of the surgical food chain, but I didn't spend eight years of my life studying to be a doctor to have my hands wasted mostly on stuff that is part of the nurses duties," Manning looked up, quirking an eyebrow. "What have I done for you to page me every second of the afternoon to deal with bedpan changes and exploring fecal matter?" Mark asked. Manning dropped his pen on the desk.

"What on earth are you on about Sloan?" Manning growled at him. He was confused and so was Mark. In his peripheral he saw Derek, Addison, Sam and Naomi off to the side of the nurse's station, watching the exchange and then he saw her and it finally dawned on him.

"It wasn't you at all was it?" Mark realized. Dr. Rodriguez looked like Mark had grown another head.

"Ya think." Dr. Rodriquez deadpanned as she raised an eyebrow. Manning just walked away muttering something intelligible that sounded a lot like Interns.

"Maybe next time you'll learn to not bite the hand that feeds you." Mark's head snapped to Meredith direction as she spoke.

"Pissing off the nurse's," Dr. Rodriguez said as she shook her head at Mark. "Stupid." She scoffed at him. He heard their sniggers – this day blew big time. Mark walked over to Meredith – to say he was pissed would be an understatement.

"You know plastics isn't pretty and frivolous," Mark began, and it wasn't, he had always believed that. "Yeah sure, we do all the superficial surgeries, but we also give people a new lease on life, transgender patients a chance to feel like themselves, we help reattached appendages, fix cleft pallets and help burn victims. I also intend to be certified in ENT. I might do boob jobs and lipo along the way but what I do isn't any less important than brain tumors." Mark defended. Passion exuded his every word. Meredith could see that there was definitely more to Mark Sloan than met the eye.

"Well, perhaps there's hope for you yet, Princess." She smirked as she grabbed her bag and left to go home.

Those sniggers from before turned into peals of laughter. Derek clapped Mark on the back of his shoulder.

"Never piss off the nurses but more importantly never piss off Meredith Grey." Derek shook his head; the entire thing amused him. Watching Mark Sloan be knocked down a peg or two was sheer entertainment.

"That girls got sass and substance." Mark remarked, he found himself liking the girl, despite his hellish afternoon thanks to her.

"Yeah she does." Derek agreed staring ahead at the elevator where she was waiting. He immediately found himself gravitating toward her.

The way he said it. The way his face held contentment. The way he seemed like he was in a dreamlike state as he walked toward her. Addison missed every single sign that everyone else saw.

"Hey, dinner at my place tonight?" Addison touched his arm as he was passing.

"Uh…yeah, ok…" Derek agreed distractedly, not looking at Addison at all. "I'll see you tonight." He murmured and got on the elevator Meredith had just walked into. "Hey." He greeted her.

"Hey." She murmured back.

"So I see you had your fun today?" Derek teased her.

"Uh-huh." She giggled. It was fun, she had enjoyed every moment. In her short time as a nurse she had recognized just how integral they are in the hospital environment and just how much they were often taken for granted by some of their fellow doctors.

The elevator chimed its arrival to the ground floor and they both stepped off and walked casually to the entrance.

"So what are your plans this evening?" He inquired.

"Actually, I am headed to a party with your sister tonight." A frown crossed his features. He worried for his sister constantly.

"Well in that case, please take my cell number." He produced his pager number card and wrote his cell number on the back. "I love my sister but she has…uh…" Derek didn't want to betray his sister's confidence to her new friend.

"It's ok, I know," Meredith assured him, touching his hand. "She's told me, I'll look out for her, ok." She promised.

"Thank you. I want her to be happy, have fun, live her life…but I worry. Just if anything happens now or in the future, please call me, no matter what time it is. Promise me." His hands rested on her shoulders, his clear blue eyes bore into her blue-green orbs.

"I promise." She vowed. Derek was relieved to know Amy had a good friend in Meredith. He let his arms drop to his side.

"Well…uh…have fun and stay safe." He murmured.

She smiled. "I will…I'll see you later." She walked through the entrance doors and as Derek watched her retreating form he found himself worrying about Meredith too.

/ / /

Meredith unlocked her car and made the journey home thankful she only lived a short distance away as she had quickly discovered that New York's traffic can be quite nightmarish at times.

The journey still takes at least a half hour even in rush hour traffic. After locking her car in the undercover lockup garage she quickly made her way to her floor and unlocked her apartment.

It was a modest space, she didn't have a lot of possessions but the space was filled and the place looked beautiful and modern. She was pleased to find the place so quickly and also pleased she didn't end up in a cockroach-infested place. Rent is not cheap after all – she is every bit thankful to her job as a nurse as she wouldn't get this kind of pay working at a coffee shop or waitressing.

She glanced down at her watch it was 5:45 PM, she went straight to her fridge and pulled out leftover pizza and heated it up. Meredith couldn't cook to save her life so she survived mostly on takeout and ready-made meals she can microwave from the store. Ellis certainly never took the time to teach her how to cook – actually Meredith wasn't all that sure if she knew how to cook either. Her mother spent more time at the hospital than she ever did at home.

She ate quickly and then jumped straight into the shower. The hot water soothed her tired muscles and washed the last twenty-four hours away. She washed her hair, rinsed and stepped out of the shower in lightening speed. She wrapped the towel around her body and went back into her bedroom. She picked her cell off the kitchen counter and dialed for a taxi and asked them to be out front at 7:30 PM. She rustled through her bag to grab out her ID and some lip gloss for tonight and she found Derek's card. She stared at it for a moment before adding his number into her phone.

She walked back into her room and threw her phone, ID and lip gloss onto the bed and went straight to her closet to pick out what she was wearing. It was cold outside so she decided on her leather tights, her black baggy top that fell off the shoulder, causal but hot. She paired it with her Cropped black leather jacket, gold accessories and her black Jimmy Choo heels. Meredith wasn't overly into designer brands she simply buys what she likes on the rare occasions she actually goes shopping.

She blew out her hair until it was a sexy 'just fucked' state, falling in waves down her body. She applied her make up, going for the smoky-eye effect. Her eyes looked even brighter and sultry. Once she was done she dressed and looked at her phone for the time. She had fifteen minutes before her cab arrives so she rooted through her closet for her decoy bag, otherwise known as the bag so cheap that she doesn't care if she loses it, but big enough so she can put her alcohol inside it without anyone the wiser.

She filled her bag with two bottles of tequila, locked the apartment up and went straight outside into the night's cool air. Thankfully, the cab had already arrived and was waiting for her. She stepped into the back of the cab and sat down.

"600 West 113th Street." She directed the driver who simply nodded and pulled straight into traffic. She lent against the window of the car and became lost in her thoughts. Before she knew it the cabbie let her know they had arrived.

Slinging her bag on her shoulder she paid the driver and stepped back out into the cool air. She could hear the loud thumping of the bass coming from inside the building. She spotted Amelia almost immediately. She was leaning against the railing at the bottom of the stairs that led into the dorms.

"Hey!" Amelia greeted. "Whoa you look amazing, you ready?" She asked clearly excited.

Meredith grinned. "Hell yeah, by the end of this night we'll be dancing on tables!"

"This is why we're friends," Amelia motioned between them. "Although what's with the bag?" She asked.

"Decoy bag, it hides my contraband." She says as they step inside, the music that was only thumping outside became deafening. The party was in full swing, bottles of alcohol littered tables, they looked to their left and spotted three blonde, busted, bimbos with their tops off either they are just loose or someone hired strippers. Meredith thoughts leaned towards the latter.

She rolled her eyes and pulled out her two bottles of tequila and passed one to Amelia.

"Well we're definitely at a college party, let's go to the back that's where the people with brain cells are at." Amelia said sarcastically.

Meredith sniggered. "Ah the people we are less likely to punch by the end of the night."

"Pretty much." She agreed as she took a swig of her tequila. Meredith shoved the empty decoy bag in the corner and swung her smaller purse over her shoulder as they headed into the back common room.

/ / /

He couldn't stop thinking about her. He couldn't stop worrying about her. Derek found himself more and more zoning out whenever he was in Addison's company alone and this was happening well before he had even met Meredith.

He felt a sense of foreboding – but he shrugged it off – marriage was just a big step and he wants to be sure. Addison was perfect, everything any man could want and they made each other laugh. Maybe this is just cold feet. He thought.

"So who is that blonde-haired nurse?" Addison asked. "She's awfully young." She mused.

Derek popped a piece of steak in his mouth and chewed thoroughly before answering. "Her name is Meredith, she's actually a friend of Amy's, she studying pre-med with her." Derek murmured, as soon as he heard Addison refer to Meredith it was enough to jar him from his zoned-out state.

Addison frowned. "If she's studying pre-med what is she doing working as a nurse?"

"She told me she wanted to be able to get some experience while she was studying." Derek shrugged. Addison meant the question to be rhetorical, she never expected him to have an answer.

"Right, so she's what eighteen, how is that even possible?" Addison mused.

"Meredith said her high school had an LPN program and she did it and took the test as soon as she was eighteen. She's very dedicated to her ambition to be a surgeon, I think it's admirable." He answered.

Addison quirked an eyebrow, she found it unsettling that he seemed to know so much about this girl. "You seem to know an awful lot about her." Addison commented casually.

"Yeah…well…I have worked with her a few times…she's nice, funny and exceedingly smart," Derek commented. "I think she'll make one hell of a surgeon one day." He said as he got up to clear his plate and start on the dishes.

Addison was left feeling numb as she was left alone at the table. She had felt Derek's distance for a while now and mostly she had thought it was because he was getting ready to propose to her, but now for the first time ever, she doubted Derek's feelings for her.

/ / /

The music was pulsating and her head was abuzz. This was exactly what she needed. She and Amelia were shaking it on the dance floor both feeling the effects of the tequila they had consumed. They moved to the music, the pain in their feet from their heels long forgotten as the alcohol numbed them.

Meredith felt a pair of hands on her hips; she felt the guy's hot breath on the back of her neck and the heady smell of his aftershave. She turned to face the handsome profile of Gabe Davidson; she had met him a few times in class. He was tall with short, messy, blonde hair, burly statue and deep green eyes. She'd be lying if she said she didn't find him attractive. He wasn't really her type, personality wise, one-night stand wise...Ah whatever let's go with it. She thought as she smiled at him and continued to dance with him. She turned her back against him again and moved her hips to the music.

Gabe moved with her, feeling his hands up and down Meredith's body while she grinded into him.

Meredith could almost taste it – that heady taste of expectancy. Gabe turned Meredith's head to the side and he kissed her.

/ / /

Derek was laying on his back, staring at the ceiling, lost in thought and unable to sleep. Addison had long since fell asleep hours ago. She had tried to initiate sex, but he just wasn't in the mood. He was left surprised he wasn't kicked out onto the couch for the night.

He couldn't shake the feeling, he didn't know what it was he just…well he had a feeling.

His phone shrilled loudly on his bedside table. He turned on his light. Frowning, as he didn't recognize the number. Addison stirred beside him and sat up in bed rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

"Hello." Derek answered. He immediately heard the pulsating of muted music in the background.

"Derek…" She moaned. "Help me."

Her voice was barely a whisper but he knew it was her as soon as she spoke. His heart began to beat fast.

He had a feeling...

"This is the thing, how do we really truly know that the person we can't have is the person we should have? What if the only reason the 'can't' exists is because some other force is preventing it from happening. I guess either way we'll never know until something changes everything."

AN – First off I am looking for a beta, I really like a second set of eyes to pick up the mistakes I make and also the sounding board it really helps with the creative juices so if you are interested please send me a PM.

Meredith is stuck between this line of being a friend and fighting the feelings she is starting to have. She doesn't want to break up the relationship but her advice to Derek often goes against that.

I want to address Amelia drinking and Amelia in general. Remember this is a much younger Amelia than the one we know, this was a time she would have been struggling but I don't think it would have necessarily stopped her from drinking, as far as she would be concerned narcotics were the problem not alcohol. As for Meredith letting her, well they are friends but they are still getting to know one another here, but know this Meredith is loyal and she'd never let her harm herself in the long run.

Amelia seems to not be popular with a lot of people – so I ask you to set that aside as this Amelia is younger and the fact she has met Meredith this young believe me will change everything for her just like meeting Derek at this stage changes Meredith. They are still the same people at their core but things shape differently because their lives play out differently.

Amelia will become Meredith's Cristina and that's just because Meredith and Cristina a) haven't met and b) when they do Meredith won't be an intern with their class. That relationship will come but it's a long way off we are no where near to that point and in all likelihood it's a few books away.

On a side note I rather enjoyed messing with Mark.

Hope you guys enjoyed, rest assured there's is a chapter currently being written as we speak, I had made this chapter super long as I just kept going but I knew I had to stop it somewhere and boy I had trouble where to draw the line.

For the last bit, with everything that's happened with Derek in GA-verse, please hang in here for this bit, the aftermath is such an integral part to MerDer.

Again I am looking for a beta so please shoot me a PM for those interested.

Mel