~BtS~
I'm trying to keep the lights from going out
And the clouds from ripping out my broken heart
~BtS~
"You seem distant tonight,"
"Lots of things are on my mind," I told her.
"Do you want to share?" she asked.
"Um … no, I'm just … I don't want to talk, really," Not in a million years …
I rested my head on the back of the leather chair I was sitting on, closing my eyes tight shut and sighing. Bella was in my mind, no matter how hard I tried to get her out of it – I just couldn't.
"Hmm … I know what would get your full attention," she said as she dropped down on her knees and put her hands over my belt, opening it and then going for the fly button of my dress pants, moving to open the zipper.
It was when I stopped her, "Jane – I'm sorry, I'm not in the mood." I said, using same words that Bella had used with me so many times, without even realizing that I was doing it.
Jane looked at me with shocked eyes and disbelieving expression, "What?"
"I'm sorry, I'm going home."
And going home I did and if it wasn't for the war inside of me, I would've been excited for the fact that it would be another night to carry Bella to bed.
So, I really didn't tell her that I wanted this new routine to stop; I didn't have the heart to do it. I told myself that ten days had passed with a blink of an eye, so what was twenty more days. It was nothing. But the truth was: It didn't feel like I had to do it anymore – I wanted to do it.
This night when I put her in bed, I brushed my lips down her neck and made sure it looked like an accident. But I couldn't help but want more. I was too embarrassed to even kiss her without asking permission first. And asking permission was out of the question.
.
.
.
I dreamt of her. But it wasn't a dream. It was a memory. A memory of our last night together. God! It was magical. Everything with her was magical. Every time with her was magical. She was she an angel. Sex between us was always sweet and tender, but hot and wild other times. If I only knew why she'd turned away from me this way. If she only never turned away from me – nothing of this would've ever happened.
I opened my eyes, feeling her absence once I was conscious enough to comprehend things around me, and the knowledge pushed me fully awake.
I got out of bed, searching for her, but I couldn't find her anywhere. My first instinct was to check up on Seth, but once I made it to his room, I heard soft sobs coming from it. Sobs I knew belonged to Bella.
I peeked inside, only to see a sight the broke my heart into pieces: Bella was kneeling in front of Seth's bed, crying silently as she held Seth's hand while he slept peacefully, her head buried in her arm resting beside him on the bed.
It was only then that it struck me how broken and how sad Bella really was. It was only then that I realized how much weight of troubles my wife was carrying over her shoulders. And the only thing I knew I should do was to find a way to help her get rid of this sadness. Forever.
~BtS~