"It has been 12 hours and there is still no word on the exact number who survived the attack on Ministry of Magic yesterday."
It was remarkable how differently Lily and Sirius dealt with grief. She sat on the sofa, with her hands splayed protectively over her swollen belly, staring into the flames with an odd sort of determination. Sirius, on the other hand, couldn't stop pacing.
James, Peter, Remus, Marlene - they'd all gone. Why hadn't he gone? Why hadn't he joined them? Lily hadn't gone either, but at least she could reassure herself with the fact that she was sodding pregnant. Why hadn't he gone? He could have gone. Maybe if he'd gone, he wouldn't have to deal with this - the constant fear, the growing anxiety, the inexplicable need to think of horrible scenarios that may well have happened….
"You were sick." Lily's voice cut through his thoughts and he glanced up at her. "It isn't your fault." Her words were reassuring, but she spoke in a tone devoid of expression, her eyes not moving from the flames. Sirius sat down next to her and put an arm around her. She blinked a few times, and her eyes filled with anguish - but not tears. They'd both passed that stage a while ago. Now it was denial. And hope, of course.
13 hours: Still nothing
14 hours: Maybe they should eat something - and Lily should sleep too, it couldn't be good for her to stay up for so long.
15 hours: Neither slept, but they had eaten some makeshift sandwiches.
16 hours:
"We have managed to break through some of the protective enchantments. The attack on the death eaters was short, although two reporters still ended up grievously injured and we have two suspects in custody. The few remaining fled, probably to communicate the results to You-Know-Who. As for those who fought on behalf on the ministry - approximately 27 are reported to have survived. A full list of those dead should be available shortly."
27 out of 105. 27 out of 105. That was approximately 1/5, right? 1/5 survived, 4/5 dead….1/5 survived, 4/5 dead, 1/5 survived, 4/5 dead.
Oh God, please let them be part of that 1/5, please please please please….
17 hours: "After confirmation, here is a full list of those dead…"
Gideon and Fabian Prewett, Dorcas Meadowes, Julia Havisham, Muriel Weasley, Arabella Nott, Theodora Crouch, Caroline Dearborn, Evie Reynolds, Emmaline Vance….no no no no no no
No James, Remus, Peter or Marlene. They were alive. And yet, neither Sirius or Lily made any attempts to celebrate. It seemed like they wouldn't believe their good fortune until they had definitive proof. They sat paralysed, listening to the scratchy radio, hoping against hope that a new pile of bodies wouldn't suddenly be found….
17.5 hours:
The doorbell rang and Lily and Sirius exchanged a surprised glance. The house was surrounded by a myriad of protective spells. The only way someone could get in was…
Sirius got to the door first and flung it open. He launched himself at James first, barely registering the slight sound of pain his friend made at the impact. He didn't let him go for a long while before moving onto Remus and Peter.
"I can't believe you're-"
"We know, mate, we know." They looked like hell - they were covered in bruises and cuts, and the way James cradled his chest was concerning. But they were alive. And then, another thought occurred to Sirius.
"Where's Marlene?"
"She went to her parents' house after. She should be here shortly.
19 hours:
They'd said shortly…
Sirius got up, just about to leave the house when a silver apparition suddenly seemed to launch itself into the living room. The lynx looked around, and spoke in Kingsley Shacklebolt's deep voice:
"Attack on the McKinnon house. No survivors."
And just like that, Sirius stopped breathing.
However much time later:
No survivors.
No survivors.
No survivors.
No survivors.
The more he said it, the more true it became, and yet he couldn't stop it from echoing in his mind. Marlene was dead. Her sister was dead, her funny father and doting mother were dead, they were all dead, the McKinnons were dead.
She couldn't be dead but she was. What were the last words he'd said to her? Be safe? Had he told her he loved her? When had he last told her he loved her?
This couldn't be true, Marlene couldn't just fucking DIE, they were supposed to live. They were supposed to fight together, or die together, that was how it was. Oh God, they were supposed to get married - their wedding was next week - he had to cancel the booking and give away the tux and he'd never get to see her in her dress or walking down the aisle or….
Oh God, she was dead. She was GONE.He'd never kiss her again or hold her again or laugh with her again. He could never do anything with her again because she was gone.
Gone. Dead. Never coming back. Gone. Dead.
When was the last time he'd slept? He couldn't quite remember.
Gone. Dead. Never coming back. Gone. Dead.
Was that why these black spots were dancing in front of his eyes?
Gone. Dead. Never coming back. Gone. Dead.
His chest didn't usually feel this tight…was it always this hard to breathe?
Gone. Dead…
Black.