Chapter 3
He was trying to hold back the nausea that threatened to overtake him.
No.
He quickly entered his small apartment, slamming the door shut with more force than necessary, making it shake dangerously.
This wasn't happening.
He tried to take in a deep breath to calm himself and ended up choking, crumpling to the ground clutching himself. All that came out of his mouth was a choked agonized sound that rang out loudly in the silence.
His phone rang, the sound drilling into his skull. He knew it was Hide.
He didn't want to accept the call. He wanted to ignore it. However, he had to feign indifference.
'Hello?'
'You okay?'
No.
'Yeah, just unwell. I have to go,' his voice cracked at the end and he winced, without waiting for a reply he tossed the phone aside, his hands pressing to his head, as he tried to cry.
He gritted his teeth, his chest heaving. He couldn't do this any longer. He couldn't keep it to himself.
He couldn't keep denying how much he felt.
Too much.
He couldn't spend his time so pathetically.
He wanted to cry but the only sound that escaped him was a low groan.
He was quivering, trying to calm himself, his fingers pressing painfully into his arms probably bruising. He tried again and this time, a strangled scream escaped him, the scratching in his ear returning; growing unbearable. He fell to the ground, his head pressed against the cold floor, sobs finally racking his frame as he tried to contain them.
He wasn't hurting anyone this way.
Only himself.
That was fine.
If it was for Hide. It was fine.
Hide.
He screamed out, his voice warbled and agonized. Loud enough that it echoed around his empty apartment. The familiar haunting laugh echoed through his mind and he clenched his hands around his ears screaming again.
He felt cold.
Not the cold of a winter day, but the cold of being empty. The cold of having so much warmth and having that forcefully snatched away. He felt like a shell.
Why did he care so much?
He should be happy.
He should be really happy.
For the both of them.
However all he felt was the horrifying ache in chest and crushing nausea as he screamed for a third time, his kagune writhing, as his tears pattered to the ground around him pitifully .
And he would be happy for them.
Even if it wasn't honest happiness.
He was chewing on his lip anxiously listening to the sounds of the phone beeping. He was almost a hundred percent sure his best friend wouldn't pick up. Not after the heart wrenching expression the snow haired man had displayed as he'd excused himself and ran from them.
Hide was trying to put pieces together, trying to figure out what had been on Kaneki's mind for so long.
Recently Kaneki had seemed to be getting better at lying, and it was more worrying as he seemed to be shutting himself off completely.
It seemed his detective skills were getting weaker.
His mind started to drift a little.
He'd freverently hoped that after his friend had returned everything would return to normal. His friend would be the same bookworm, same person with the same heart and mind.
Same hair and eyes.
Same body.
He flushed, ashamed of the thought even though it was safe in his mind.
Frowning he chastised himself; he wasn't supposed to think of that now.
He knew that just because Kaneki's appearance had changed, he hadn't. He did know it.
Even if he was slightly struggling to accept it.
'Hello?'
The voice was raspy and choked. The blonde was surprised his friend had picked up. He quickly regained his composure.
'You okay?'
He winced at how badly he'd worded that. It was obvious Kaneki wasn't okay.
'Yeah, just unwell. I have to go,' he heard his friend's voice breaking on the word 'go', and Hide decided he despised that sound. He hated seeing Kaneki upset.
He was about to reply when he heard a sharp thudding and Kaneki's laboured breaths grew distant.
'Ken?'
There was no reply and he took in a short breath and tried again.
'Kaneki?'
Had Kaneki thrown the phone away?
He debating cutting the call when he heard a soft groan and grimaced realizing that sound had left the mouth of his best friend. It sounded almost alien. It rang with startling clarity through the phone's speaker.
It left him feeling torn.
There was pin-drop silence, and he was just about to say something when he heard the sob.
A soft, broken sound.
It felt like a knife was twisting in his gut and he took in a shuddering breath, pressing the phone closer to his ear.
The feeling of helplessness was so familiar and demoralizing to him.
Once again he couldn't help Kaneki.
He had to give him space.
He'd seen Kaneki shouting out in anger after returning, heard him steadily counting down numbers under his breath and lashing out at others. However he hadn't been prepared for this defeated sobbing that made his heart sink to his feet.
For the next hour he stood listening to his best friend cry.
'Neeekiiiiii! You haven't talked to me for so long,' a heavy body collided into him and he was faced with a blinding smile and two orbs of sunshine boring into him.
He pushed Hide off more harshly than he had aimed to and he saw a flash of hurt flash in the blonde's eyes.
Just as quickly it was gone, replaced by a grin.
It was hard to believe he hadn't imagined it.
'I've had to study Hide.'
It wasn't a complete lie. After his breakdown he'd thrown himself into books and work and any welcome distraction that would exhaust him to the brink.
Anything that would help him avoid the constant throbbing that had settled into his heart. The aching that felt like the ultimate rejection.
Although he knew it wasn't.
'You're such a nerd! Spend time with me.'
For some reason the platonic demand increased the dull pain in his chest and Hide's playful attitude, his careless way of making contact with him wasn't helping to improve it.
He found himself nodding.
'Let's go to Anteiku first!'
Hide's eyes were glowing, the light of the sun encased within them.
He hated himself for revering in their attention.
'Okay.'
He felt a pit of fear settle into his stomach.
'So anyway, I came here to introduce someone.' He sounded nervous.
He never sounded nervous.
Kaneki could feel his heart sinking.
Hide looked over his shoulder and Kaneki swallowed.
It couldn't be happening.
No. Not now.
'Meet my girlfriend, Ken.'
All noise seemed to fade around him.
His laboured breathing distastefully irregular to his ears.
The familiar eyes met his and he froze.
'Hey Kaneki.'
Not her.
No.
Not her.
'Kanekiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~ Stop zoning out on me!' the blonde huffed, pushing him lightly, and receiving a grunt in response.
Hide seemed unconcerned with Kaneki's unresponsiveness and continued talking animatedly enough for the two of them.
He rubbed his forehead tiredly and his gaze travelled to the small shop they'd nearly reached.
He had been avoiding quite a few of his shifts, constantly asking for time off which the manager had responded kindly to.
He took in a shaky breath, trying to keep up with the bright man's constant chatter.
Hide pushed open the door, holding it open for him and the pale man followed hesitantly, the door shutting softly behind him.
Hide rushed excitedly to the counter.
He could feel both their eyes on him, waiting for a satisfactory response. Probably a congratulations but it seemed like his mind had gone on shut down. He had lost the ability to think and respond in the like.
It felt like a sign from above.
It was an odd confirmation of all his fears.
He would be all alone now.
'C-congratulations,' he gasped, he felt like he was choking as he forced a shaky smile onto his lips. He needed Hide.
He needed her too.
For them to be together felt almost like a betrayal.
It wasn't obviously, but his heart was having a hard time accepting it.
'Thanks man!' Hide smiled his dazzling smile, draping his arm over his shoulder and pulling him closer.
The younger girl's eyes gazed at him knowingly not fooled by his façade for a second.
The same eyes met his slate grey ones over the counter of the coffee shop. Hide was enthusiastically and endearingly throwing questions at her about her day.
However her eyes held his, even when she replied to Hide; even when Hide arched his neck to place a soft kiss on her cheek.
He swallowed at their intensity, a crushing sadness rolling over him as his exhausted mind finally started to accept the situation.
Touka was with Hide.
Their entwined hands broke apart when he reached them.
Tar pouring over the relief he had previously felt in regards to being re-united with everyone.
She looked up at him, ignoring Hide's whining.
Hide seemed oblivious for once.
However Touka continued to stare at him intensely.
It sent a spike of fear through him.
Her eyes said it all.
She knew.
A.N- Sorry for the slow updates. Don't trust me guys when I say I'll update quickly.
I'm sorry. I am trash.
Thanks for the reviews, love you guys!