Chapter 17
Anon – Favorite story I am honored – thank you – I try to update as fast as I can but this is going to get pretty intense for here on out – Please hang on tight for me I would hate for you to leave me!
MaJorReader619 - thank you so much for your kind words! I am humbled. Thank you so much for reviewing – those kids are big brats! But Rachel has some protectors in her corner once she opens up and lets everyone know.
TheTBone- Don't ever apologize for the timing of you're review. They're perfect. I appreciate them so much. I'm happy you loved this chapter. I adore how you specify you favorite parts. I love sneaking in little details about Rach when she was little. There was at least one in here that was one of my first inspirations for the story. Thank you for the newspaper headline attention. I give some more information away in this chapter. I'm interested to see what you think as always. Santana is definitely letting Q in more…. She might demonstarate that it upsets her if Q runs. The egg this was purposefully. There's also a call back in here to "lion quinn." It's completely unrelated. I felt like ryan Murphy when he put in the unholy trinity reference: I know about the tumblr and I use it but I ont. Also, I used one of Rachel's lines to from "Original Songs." I sneak a lot of thos little things in there, but being the rockstar you are, you already know that. I also like this line: "Quinn herself has been that little girl that tried." It's so important, because essentially, Rachel is Quinn in a lot of ways, Quinn just doesn't realize it yet. Thank you as always. So much.
NayaFan – Thanks for coming back to review! Thank you for calling my work brilliant!
vballa13 – I am so happy you discovered my story. Thank you for such a beautiful and kind review. There is a lot more to happen to everyone so I hope you enjoy!
amandaes417 – Thank you so much for your review. They really keep me going! And thank you for reading Changes – I am planning to update that soon as well. (I got a little distracted) Both stories though are pretty intense.
Random Dice – I am happy you like the characterizations. I work hard to get everyone right. Brittana is a slow build but it will happen. I think with Shelby as his mom – Puck will eventually make the right decision for himself. Whitney is a sweetheart don't you think! Thank you for reviewing.
broadwaybound2016 – Quinn being Quinn will do what's right. I think Rachel has found a little piece of Quinn's heart. I love Rachel and those people that are bullying her will get their due. Thanks for reviewing. I love that you do it all the time.
AcexofxSpades –Thank you for calling me awesome! I love your reviews and they are not disorganized. I think Quinn is going to make those 11 year olds think twice. And I don't think she is too afraid of the teachers! I hope I don't disappoint you with this chapter! Thanks again.
Shauna – Thanks for the review. This whole matter sickens me as well and that it happens too many times in real life is what makes it all worse. Shelby is very strong but I think you will see where she gets that in the next couple of chapters. She has worked very hard at being her kids rock and it is a daily thing but she wouldn't trade it for the world.
SuzQQ – Loved your review once again – Noah will find the right place that he should be – trust me – Brittany will be helping all the girls out – she is an important piece of this story so she will be coming in more and more. Shelby's parents are coming soon!
w1cked – Thank you so much for reviewing. I did not mean to make your heartbreak but these characters make my heart break too! Quinn may take matters into her own hands to make some things better for Rachel – you'll see.
ajunebuga – Seriously – not lying when I got your review I loved it! Thank you
creativemee – Thank you! Reviews keep me alive.
marinka4 – We all want to kill Rachel's teachers! Poor Rach – Let's see how Quinn handles them – remember Quinn has a lot of anger in her. – Thanks for your review.
IxHeartxGlee – Rachel is a very accepting little girl. She always wants to see the best in people and I think Quinn needs more people like Rachel in her life. Thank you for reviewing
Karissa – Some one will have to hold Shelby back from those teachers when she finds out what they are doing or not doing to her baby girl! Thanks for the review.
Renata – a lot more to come for Britt and San – its just the beginning! Rachel and Kurt are only 11 in this story so NY is a long way off for those two but they will have their dreams. Thanks for the review – hugs from the states.
SparkleInTheSun – Poor Rachel is right – mean kids in that school but Rachel's family I am positive will come to her rescue soon! Quinn/ Rachel's bond is getting stronger and stronger! - Thanks for reviewing
eryn117 – I am so honored that you have made this story your favorite! I am trying hard to make sure I portray these characters correctly and with as much emotion as possible. Thank you for your review.
sillystarshine – yes kids that age are very mean- puck will do what's right for him and his family trust me – Thank you for the review.
OTHangels -I think Santana is always up to something. Thanks for the review I appreciate them!
val-cb – Rachel is very very cute! How could anyone be mean to her? Thanks for reviewing.
ritagarcia45 – I think Shelby will found out but not sure how long it will take. And thank you for taking the time to review – all reviews keep me going and let me know there are readers out there.
NinjaGleek21 – it was definitely a no no from those kids and I think I have something in store from them so I hope I can earn a whole batch of cookies from you – thank you for the review
Ryoko05 – As long as I keep getting reviews I will keep updating so thank you very much.
Gleek1990 – Rachel has been very good at hiding things but Shelby will catch on soon enough and watch out when she does. Quinn may help Rachel but she's impulsive so she may be getting herself in a little bit of trouble. Thanks for the review
Fdlans – Thank you so much for your review. Quinn and Rachel will continue to bond – Puck will make the right choice.
AN: Alright everyone. This chapter is a little over 11,000 words. Get ready. If we're lucky, and no promises, I'll post again before Dec 25 or on Dec 25, but no promises. Please let me know what you think. A lot happens here.
Shelby took a seat in Jackie's office. She had dropped the kids off at school. She had made sure to keep an extra eye on Quinn. There was a look of mischief in her eye, one that Shelby was all too familiar with. She thought about the morning in general. She woke up the kids. Everyone seemed to be dragging, either in spirit or literally. She was sure that Noah didn't actually pick up his feet from the floor as he meandered around the house. Even her little morning bird, who was always so peppy, seemed rather under her normal degree of perky excitement. Shelby frowned. Something was going on, she could feel it. It was an instinct, a mother's instinct.
The door opened. She groaned internally or at least she thought she did because Jackie shot her a look. Judy Fabray walked through the door. Mother's instinct, she growled to herself. A pang punched her in the gut. What about Hiram? The devil's advocate whispered in the back of her mind. She had messed up too. Maybe Judy was the same. Maybe she just messed up.
"So what are we looking at here?" Judy said with a sigh, ultimately interrupting Shelby's internal rant.
Shelby looked around. Elyse Hart sat across from her. Jackie sat on Shelby's other side. Sue Sylvester was sitting with her arms folded smugly across her chest next to Elyse. And Judy chose a seat furthest away from the four women, and in an effort to move away from them all she unintentionally positioned herself in the middle. It almost looked like they were surrounding her. She was already establishing a dichotomy simply be moving her chair away from the four women. She never accepted help. That in the least was the Judy that Shelby remembered.
"We're all here to support you and Quinn," Jackie began.
"Well, excuse me for finding that hard to believe," Judy said with her arms folded.
"I understand that you must feel frustrated," Jackie said again. Judy scoffed but the woman ignored her. "We're going to try our very best for you to get Quinn back."
Judy shook her head. She folded her arms more tightly around her jacket that she had sitting in her lap. Shelby frowned. It was as if the woman thought she could pop in and out of the meeting without any problem. It was as if she didn't think that there was something important to discuss.
Judy Fabray gave a heavy sigh that Shelby noted was similar to her youngest daughter. "I need to get Quinn back in the house so my Russell can come home to me."
The women all exchanged looks. Jackie gave them all looks of warning and began speaking. "Judy, your husband will not be coming home for awhile. We're going to help you through this, but you need to allow us to support you."
She shook her head and she was still able to maintain her posture. "What do you mean?" She looked at the women. "My husband is coming home."
"Judy, your husband has in the very least beat the shit out of your daughters," Sue said suddenly surprising everyone.
"What did you say?" Judy asked icily.
Sue shook her head and laughed. "Don't look at me like that. I saw the welts and bruises on that girl. I'm here to make sure Quinn gets what's best for her."
"Like you would know? You know nothing about us," Judy spat. "You're a single, lonely dyke!"
Sue jumped up from her seat. Shelby and Elyse stood up also to hold her back.
"Judy!" Jackie yelled. "Enough! This is not helping you!" She took a deep breath.
Sue pushed the other women off of her. "I'm here for Quinn. Not for this drunk piece of washed up, unloved, pathetic, weak trash who let her husband beat the shit out of and fuck his children."
Shelby winced at the words and she squeezed her eyes shut. This wasn't starting well. Quinn, we're here for Quinn, she reminded herself internally.
Judy laughed. "The lies that she's telling you are atrocious. The fact that she's pulled all of you into this is embarrassing."
"Judy, we're going to help you get through this," Elyse began.
"Get through what?" she laughed again. "My daughter is a liar. What is there to get through?"
Shelby watched as the women exchanged looks.
"We're going to arrange supervised visits, but you also need to agree to other things in your case plan that we'll discuss today. Substance abuse classes, a psychological evaluation, therapeutic—''
"Please stop talking," Judy hissed putting her hand up. "How many times do I have to tell you my daughter is lying. And my husband—''
Shelby shook her head. With her arms still folded and her voice still calm but icy, she said, "Your husband, what, Judy? We're here to talk about Quinn, your beautiful little girl. What is wrong with you?"
Judy pointed at Shelby. "Don't you dare pretend that you know me."
"I thought I did once," Shelby replied quickly. She shook her head with a frown that looked similar to her daughters'. "The girl I knew wouldn't just throw her daughter away like this."
Judy scoffed. "The girl you knew? Really, Shelby? You know nothing about me. Never did. You were a wannabe. You were a loser."
Shelby stared at her. "We're mothers. Are you telling me that you looked at Frannie's young face and Quinn's beautiful smile and you don't love them? You must see that they need you, that Quinn needs you. You need to fight for her."
The women in the room stared at Judy waiting for her to respond. "Like what?" Judy finally asked. "Like you fought for your children? You don't win the mother of the year award. Look at your children—''
"Actually, Judy, we need to discuss that," Jackie interrupted. "You going over to see your daughter, drunk, and assaulting Shelby's youngest daughter was not only illegal and out of line, but hurtful to your case."
Shelby allowed her colleague to continue to talk. Mothers. There was an innate feeling right? One that all mothers had? Right? Judy must have loved them once. They all had a feeling. The feeling when something was right and a feeling that something was wrong. Mothers had that right? Her mind drifted back.
Shelby had settled in London. The flat they provided for her was cozy, but it wasn't home. She needed her home. She didn't realize how much she would miss the kids. She just wanted to hold them. She wanted to fight with them over bedtime. She wanted to wake up at two a.m. when Noah needed a drink of water. She wanted to be the one that listened to Santana when she had dreams she just had to share with her at one-thirty in the morning. She wanted to be pounced on at five in the morning by Rachel because she was ready to start yet another day with a smile. Those things that she had rolled her eyes at were the things that she wanted. Quiet nights and mornings weren't as luxurious as she expected them to be.
She had been calling every day for the last two weeks. The kids always had something to tell her but also always had somewhere to go. They had just arrived in the Hamptons. She always hated the Hamptons and now that's where she wanted to be. In London, rehearsals had started and she was getting to know the cast, but her mind wasn't in it. Cameron, her manger, had given her several pep talks, scolding her to get her head into her work. However, she wasn't in London. She wanted to know if Rachel had successfully not had an accident. Potty training had been a chore with the other children. Rachel wasn't any different. She was too busy to take a break. Shelby wanted to know if Noah was enjoying the football team that she and Leroy found in the Hamptons. She was curious if Santana had made any new friends, or any new enemies.
She raced back to her apartment late. She hated the time difference. It was a five hour difference. She glanced at her watch. It was three in the morning. Shit, then that meant that it was eleven in New York. Crap, she thought. Rehearsals had run late again. There had been so much to go over. She had been trying to get a hold of them yesterday and couldn't. They were still settling in the Hamptons. They must be busy. Shelby pictured Leroy and Hiram chasing after the children. They certainly had their hands full. No one made a better team than Leroy and Shelby had. She gave a joyful smirk. Suck that, Hiram.
She collapsed into bed and allowed sleep to take over. Her exhaustion masked her ache for her children. Three months was too long. She didn't care what Leroy said. She couldn't do this.
Shelby's eyes popped open the next morning. She glanced at the bedside clock.
"Fuck!" she screamed. She was late. She was late. She glanced at her cell phone. "Damn thing." The battery died. Fuck!
She finally arrived at the studio down in the theater district. She only got lost twice. Damn it! She cursed at the sign. "Closed Rehearsal," it read. She grimaced and flung the door open. Her pompous costar from Ireland, the director, and the producer were the only ones in the room.
"I know I'm late," she said apologetically. "I'm here. I'm sorry."
"Well, let's get started again," the director said with annoyance.
Shelby sighed and gave another forced smile. Could this day get any worse?
For the next six hours they were on lockdown. They tore apart the music. They rebuilt it. They redid scenes again and again. Shelby hadn't remembered the last time a rehearsal went for so long. There had been several knocks at the door but the director refused to open it or answer any of the secretary's questions.
Finally, a break came. She sighed and took a look around the studio. Why did she decide to take this job? She had three Tonys. She had the kids. She had a life. Why was she here? She took a sip of her tea. Before she could give the thought any more time, her manager and friend, Cameron ran through the door looking flustered, pissed and devastated.
"Shelby!" Cameron practically screamed. "I've been trying to get a hold of you all day!"
Shelby looked at the man she had known for years. She knew at that moment something had happened. She saw it in his eyes. Something was wrong. Everything in that moment slowed down. She felt her body tense and fall apart at the same time. She didn't realize that she let go of her mug. She had dropped her tea to the ground. She didn't even hear it shatter.
"What happened? Is it the kids? Are they okay?" she asked hurriedly.
"Did you watch the news last night? Your phone?"
Shelby shook her head. The world still moved like molasses. She felt it coming and it was something bad. She sensed that her world was about to fall apart but she didn't know how. She just knew it was going to come. There was a storm brewing and it was just going to start pouring and there was nothing she could do about it.
"Leroy died yesterday."
There it was.
She felt her legs crumble. The words seeped into her pores without question or hesitation. The truth penetrated her like a knife. Everything seemed to shatter in that moment.
She shook her head. She needed to get home. Santana must be devastated. Noah must be in pieces. And Rachel, she shook back tears. Rachel must be so confused.
"How? How?" she asked repeatedly. "How?" She sobbed and shook her head.
"He had a stroke," Cameron said quietly. Shelby searched his eyes. There was something else. What wasn't he saying?
"What? What else?" Shelby practically hissed. Cameron searched her eyes. "Cameron!" she hollered.
Finally, he found his words.
"Sanny was with him," he said quietly.
Shelby shook her head. She wiped her tears. She needed to be there.
"I need to get home," she said standing up. "I need to get home."
"I already booked you on the next flight," he said helping her to her feet.
She gave a nod. She just needed to get home. She needed to get home.
It felt like a few seconds, as if she was floating on air. Everything was still moving in slow motion. Nevertheless, a few hours later she was waiting with Cameron at the airport. With a charged phone in her hand, she looked indignantly in frustrated sorrow at the departure board. DELAYED DELAYED DELAYED.
"How is this happening?" she asked no one.
"I don't know," Cameron responded.
She barely had any information. It had been a stroke. That's what the news was saying and that's all the news was saying. Even Leroy's manager didn't know much. No one was releasing any information. Shelby growled internally. She knew exactly who that 'no one' was. Hiram was not cooperating. He wouldn't listen to Leroy's coworkers. He wouldn't listen to anyone. He wouldn't even let anyone into the house. Shelby understood mourning but this. No. No. This was not okay, especially since the last time she checked, her children were with this selfish, mourning bastard.
The phone in her hand vibrated. She looked down and let out a sigh of relief.
"Kate," she said with a heavy sigh. "I'm stuck in London. I can't get back."
"He's having the burial tomorrow, Shel," Kate said with desperation. "How the hell can he do that?"
Kate was Leroy's sporadic younger sister. She adored her like she would any little sister. Shelby was talking her down. She didn't realize until later that someone should have been talking her down.
"We'll get home," Shelby said. "Hiram's a jerk but he's not-''
"No! He is," Kate screamed through the phone. "He won't let anyone see the kids. My parents got to the apartment and he won't answer the door. Your mom got into town earlier today and went over and she said that she couldn't hear a thing in the house. She even called the police. Hiram then threatened to charge her with trespassing. I don't know what's going on, Shelby. He said that they are burying him in some Jewish cemetery. Leroy's not even Jewish! This is all happening tomorrow. I can't even bury my brother and he is ruining it."
Shelby pinched the bridge of her nose. "I know that, Kate! I'm trying to get home. I will call my parents. I want my kids out of there."
"Your mom has tried that," Kate said. "My mother told me that she called the police over. And the police checked things out and then came out and said the kids were fine, but that custody fights weren't their job. We need to contact the lawyers."
"Jesus fucking damn it!" she screamed. She took a deep breath. "Wait, so he's not waiting for anyone for the ceremony and he's not letting anyone see MY KIDS, MY KIDS damn it!" She took another deep breath and didn't even see the entire terminal gawking at her. She opened her eyes and refocused on the phone call and tried to ignore that her body was shaking with a heart broken rage. "Where are you?"
"Denver. I'm waiting for my flight to leave," Kate responded. "How will we do this?"
"We're going to get through this," Shelby said calmly. "Just focus on getting on that plane and getting to the house. I arrive tomorrow evening. I will get into that damn house. I will get there."
Shelby had her eyes shut when she came out of the memory. Judy was screaming about something. She felt an aching pain in her heart. She hadn't made it in time. When she had finally arrived at the brownstone almost eight years ago, there were police already there. Her mother was standing outside shaking her head as she talked to the police. Shelby had collapsed at that point. She couldn't handle any more heartbreak. The kids were gone. Her mother had called the police again and insisted that the children be looked in on. The ceremony had been held and they all missed it. No one had seen them leave the house or return, but Leroy had been buried and no one had been able to mourn him. The kids apparently were the only ones that attended with Hiram. When the police looked in, the place had been stripped. There was nothing. They were gone. Shelby didn't remember everything about that day. She remembered seeing her mother. She remembered feeling as if everything she knew would become even harder. She knew that in that moment everything had been broken and gotten even worse.
Shelby frowned and glared at Judy. Shelby had fought for all that she was worth. She fought for months looking. There were flyers, news interviews, radio interviews. She had even been on Dateline on NBC. Not only was the entire city looking for his kids, but the entire country. She didn't sleep. She didn't eat. For two months she looked. And then when they finally found them, it took over a month to get them back, almost two.
She watched the blonde beauty queen across from her. She had instincts and they failed her. She looked at the woman in front of her. She needed to know. She had to know.
"Judy," she said not realizing that she interrupted Jackie's description of the situation. "Do you love your daughter?"
Judy scoffed. "Of course I do."
"Then fight for her," Shelby said. "She has been through trauma after trauma and you need to be there. You need to love her."
"Love isn't enough with her," Judy hissed. "She needs help. She ruined everything. I will make sure that she knows that."
"No, you will not," Sue interjected.
"You cannot threaten her," Jackie said at the same time.
Shelby watched Judy's face as the women continued to argue. She looked deep into the woman's eyes. She once saw hesitation there. She once saw a fighting passion for something more. It was gone. All she felt was cold when she looked into those eyes. And Shelby knew at that moment that Quinn could never be left with her.
"I have Quinn's best interests at heart," Shelby said interrupting again with a calm tone. "Quinn needs a loving home. She can't even sleep in a bed, Judy. Do you know that?" She didn't wait for a response. She saw a faint and fleeting flicker of something in Judy's eyes. "She sleeps on the floor. That's safer to her. Your other daughter came and ripped her apart with hateful words at the hospital. I have a restraining order against her also. What have you created? What have you allowed to happen? Are you truly this unhappy? So unhappy that you ruin everyone else around you?"
"Shelby," Jackie interjected.
Shelby shook her head. "What happened to you? How did you become this terrible person?"
There was no rhyme or reason though. Shelby realized that in that moment. Sometimes people make small decisions and in those moments they lose themselves. That's what had happened to Judy Fabray. She was lost. And the worst part was, she didn't even realize how terrible she had become. She didn't realize she had destroyed the girl she once was. She had drowned the person that she hoped to become. Now she barely existed in the world as the worst person she could be.
Shelby shook her head. "You'll never get Quinn back. Not like this. I'll make sure of it."
"Shelby," Jackie snapped.
"She won't even follow her case plan," Shelby argued. "Will you, Judy?" She looked at the woman with fierce eyes. "You won't go to AA. You won't listen to anyone at the parenting classes. You'll refuse to go to therapy. You won't listen to anyone unless they have a glass and a bottle of liquor or their name is Russell."
The women looked at Judy who seemed to hold Shelby's gaze. They waited for her to respond. They waited for an answer.
Judy straightened in her seat and held her jacket closer to her body. "My husband did nothing wrong. We're good people. You're all against us. "
Jackie bit her lip. She had seen more cases like this. She had seen parents who would point the finger at everyone in the world before they would ever even consider pointing it at themselves.
…..
….
Quinn walked into study hall. She looked up at the clock. Study hall and then lunch. She could get away and no one would notice. Mr. O'Leary was sitting at the desk.
"Excuse me, sir," the blond said politely. "I'm going to work with Coach Sylvester during this period."
"Whatever as long as you have a pass." He waved his hand in her direction. She gave a nod and walked out of the room. She stopped at her locker in the still busy hallway. She didn't seem to notice the brunette watching her from her own locker. Quinn closed the locker and walked down the hallway toward the exit.
Santana slammed her locker and shook her head.
"What's wrong?" a voice asked her. Santana looked over her shoulder and saw the blonde. She looked forward again.
"She's going to run," Santana said pointing in the direction that Quinn just went.
Brittany followed her gaze. "No, she won't."
Santana looked at her with genuine surprise. "How do you know?"
She leaned against the locker. "Quinn won't do anything unless someone tells her. Unless someone makes her."
Santana squinted her eyes at her best friend. "Are we talking about the same person?"
Brittany gave a smile and rolled her eyes. She took the girl's hand and brought her to the locker room. They too had study hall, but unlike Quinn, they never even bothered to check in. Brittany sat down in front of the girl.
"Quinn won't run from Shelby or from any of you," Brittany said simply.
"She has tried," Santana said with an edge. She deflated slightly under Brittany's soft gaze. "She opened our window on her first night and she ran from my mom after we got into that little thing…. And I heard she ran from the group home."
Brittany gave a deep breath and took Santana's hands. "She's the captain of the Cheerios, right?" Santana nodded with trepidation. "She danced with me growing up. And she's the head bitch in this school." The brunette gave her a look. All of these things were true but what did they have to do with the conversation. And, Santana thought, she was a head bitch too. Brittany seemed to read her mind. "Other than you, of course," Brittany covered.
"Yeah," the brunette finally said. "I don't get what you are saying. She still ran."
"If Quinn Fabray wanted to run, she would have by now. She can outrun any girl on the squad." Santana gave her another look. "Besides you, of course." The blonde continued. "She won't run. I don't…." She trailed off. "I don't know all that happened with her father, but wouldn't she have run from that?"
Santana looked at her with her eyebrows knitted. Quinn would have run, right? Who wouldn't? Santana thought about herself suddenly. She shook her head. They were talking about Quinn, not her. "It just doesn't make sense to me. Why wouldn't she run?"
Brittany chewed her lip. "Quinn's always been the most obedient person I know?"
She frowned. "Really? Again, are we talking about the same person?"
Brittany tilted her head and looked at her. "Quinn may be head bitch here, but it's because it's the only place she has control. She has control of her peers." Santana gave her another look. "Besides you, of course." Santana watched as Brittany sighed. "But when it comes to adults, Quinn never questions. You know? She needs that approval. She always has. She will threaten to run. I'm sure she did when she opened the window, but she would never do it. Quinn doesn't want to let anyone down. Once I heard her father yelling at her when we were little. He was screaming at her after dance about how worthless she was. She just looked at him. She looked him in the eye. She wasn't scared. I was horrified. We were like ten or something. She looked at him. She was soaking in his words. It's not … simple. She took the hand she was dealt, San. I would tell her all the time how great she was. Every time I complimented her or anyone did she would look at us with such distrust. But… when she looked at her father when he yelled at her... She took it. It's… I don't know… It's hard to explain. I think that everyone in the world needs approval. However, sometimes the people we need approval from aren't people that are able to give it, you know?"
Santana felt Brittany's eyes watching her. At some point during the blonde's speech, she looked down at her hands. She chewed her lip.
"Yesterday, what you said..." Santana began.
"Yeah," Brittany blushed. "I'm sorry. It was a lot."
"What I mean is….." Santana dug for her words. "What I mean is… If you see Q like that... How do you see me?" She met Brittany's eyes. "You know her. You know her by watching her." She wrung out her hands nervously. "We do this thing, you and me. We scream and yell and then we don't really talk about it…. and we start over like nothing happened… I feel that you probably do that because of me…. But… " She shrugged and continued to wring out her hands like a soaked rag. "Am I the one?" she asked quietly. "Am I the one that doesn't give you the approval you're looking for?"
She finally met the blonde's eyes tentatively. She was holding her breath.
Brittany searched her eyes. "In a way, I guess you are." There it was. She had said it.
Santana looked away. Julie Jacob's words rang in her ears. "It's not about people seeing you differently. It's about letting someone else in…There must be someone out there you trust…. that trusts you."
She looked at the blonde. "So Quinn won't run because she's afraid of disappointing people?"
"Sort of but mostly she needs someone to love her. It's not about not having a place to run to." Brittany watched Santana's face. "In a way," Brittany rethought. "In a lot of ways, Quinn's not as strong as you." Santana frowned. What did she mean? "I ….I don't know all that happened in New York, San. I'm not judging. I never did. We've never talked about it. And I know that it was different from Quinn. I respect you and care for you and it has nothing to do with what happened." Her words were so careful and so soft. She could see Santana was on the verge of confused tears. "And in a lot of ways, San, you've run. I know you." She gave a slight smile. "You've always had this fighting spirit." Santana bit her lip. Her father used to say that. She looked at the ground. "Quinn doesn't. She's been beat down so many times that she expects it. She won't run because it's not an option. She fights instead for approval and for love, but I don't even know if she realizes that. You know? It's not about taking it. It's not about her being weak. She's so, so strong. It's not as easy as weak or strong, flight or fight. You know?"
She watched the floor more intently afraid to look up. "I know that it's not simple," she whispered.
"I know you do," Brittany said taking the girl's hand. "She won't run. Trust me."
Santana finally looked up and wiped away a stray tear. "I do. I trust you…."
"You just don't trust you," Brittany said. She still held tight.
She remembered Julie's words. "You can't be angry forever, San."
"Brittany, I….I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For not being, I don't know," Santana shrugged. "For not being enough for you." She chewed her lip. "I have all of these feelings that I don't really understand …. But I ….I…." She met the blonde's eyes. "You're more than my best friend too. I just am afraid of losing you. I know I don't tell you a lot, but…. You know me better than anyone." She straightened. "I'll try harder. New York was really hard. And It's still hard and Quinn …. It just brings a lot of it back."
Brittany squeezed her hand. "I figured. I'm here if you want to talk about it. Always."
Santana looked at the ground, but kept her contact with the blonde. She watched from the periphery as she ran her thumb over Brittany's hand. "I'm scared of losing everything and everyone that I love. My step-dad …" Santana shuddered. "He broke us. And…. I miss my dad every day." She swallowed a slight sob. She held Brittany's hand tighter. "The pain just aches all the time. I think about him and I miss his laugh. His smile. And I don't know how to be in this world without him. Sometimes I forget that he's gone." She gave a tearful smiled. "And something happens and I want to tell him. And then I remember." She bit her lip. "But you know what? What I want to tell him, I tell you. And we always laugh. I need you just as much. I just…. I don't know how to let you in."
Brittany reached out and put her hand on Santana's cheek. Santana leaned into the touch. "You are. You are right now."
Santana took her hand and reached over and pulled her into a hug. She needed contact. She needed something. She needed to hold her. She didn't know why. She just needed to be held and to hold. She needed to escape into that, into the pressure and safety of someone's arms. She rested her forehead on the blonde's and closed her eyes as she allowed herself to escape. She felt her breath on her cheeks. She wasn't sure what happened. She didn't know. She didn't even notice her heart beating like it was about to explode. All she knew was that the world had allowed her to escape. With her eyes still closed, she reached out and allowed her lips to touch the one person that she had ever let in that wasn't related to her. She didn't even have time to think about rejection. She closed her eyes and took the leap.
She felt Brittany's lips kiss her back and she fell. She fell into them. It wasn't messy or sloppy. It was the best first kiss in the history of kisses. Not because of the passion and the wanting, but because of the mutual hope that was exchanged. Finally, Santana pulled away breathlessly. She leaned her forehead against Brittany's. She never felt so safe. However, in that moment, when she lost contact, the reality crashed into her like a train. Her eyes flew open. She looked at Brittany's eyes with fear and confusion.
"I'm sorry. I …. I'm sorry. I ….." She broke her contact with the girl and stood quickly from the bench. She continued to stutter. "I can't…..I'm sorry. I ….."
She shook her head and ran out of the locker room. She couldn't. It … no…. She…. She couldn't even form a sentence so she ran. She ran as fast as she could.
….
Rachel looked around the locker room with a frown. Kurt was ignoring her. It was fall. She had finally moved up to Warren G. Harding Junior High. There was something about naming the schools in Lima after presidents the general public didn't approve of. Harding was fifth grade through eighth grade. She had just turned eleven at the end of the summer. This was supposed to be her year. Except, it wasn't. She just turned eleven and was in fifth grade at a new school. She was practically an adult. She frowned, except no one treated her like one. She was a child in their eyes. Her mother had given her a choice to go to Harding Junior High where Santana and Noah had gone or attend a private performing arts school. All she ever wanted was to feel special and to feel chosen, but she also wanted more than anything to blend in.
She sighed. She had felt none of that. Her only friend was ignoring her. She shook her head. He was ignoring her on the worst day. It was PE day. Physical Education was never her forte. She looked around the locker room uncomfortably as she pulled her shirt over her head. It didn't help that every girl had gone through puberty already. She looked down at her own body. She looked like she was nine years old. Everyone knew it. She was the smallest one in her class. She gave a sigh and frowned. Maybe she would grow boobs someday. Her mother and sister were gorgeous. They had perfect everything and here she was underweight and underdeveloped. If it were survival of the fittest she would have been eaten by all of the lions. She frowned as she walked as confidently as she could out to the gymnasium. In a way, she already had.
She folded her arms and tried not to stare at Jeanie Marks and her henchmen. If Rachel didn't hate her she would think she was pretty and cool. But, Rachel thought as she tightened her arms, she hated her. She snuck a glance over at Kurt. He was actually dressed for gym. He actually looked ready. She was positive that he wasn't speaking to her because her mother had pulled her early from rehearsal a few days ago.
She frowned as she watched Coach Carter line the center line of the gym with balls. Bologna, she thought. Dodgeball. She groaned. They played a couple weeks ago. There was an unspoken rule that if you didn't want to play you were tagged out first….. by everyone. Everyone threw the balls at you. Coach Carter explained, "You don't want to play then you're on a team of your own. Either you tagged out fairly with your own team and participate or everyone tags you out." Last time, she, Kurt and Miles Cornfeld were on that team. Rachel looked around. Miles wasn't there. Kurt looked ready to play. The thing is Rachel hated team sports and she especially hated dodgeball. It wasn't that she wouldn't play. It was that she couldn't.
She couldn't throw balls at someone else. She bit her lip. She never told her mother about dodgeball at school. She was already hated by everyone. She didn't need another reason. She didn't remember much about Hiram, but she remembered a few things. One of the things that stuck out in her memory was his anger. She remembered him taking it out on her. Her therapist had used those words. She had been told he "took it out on her." But when you're little and all you remember are things being thrown at you… and him on top of you… Dodgeball really wasn't something she could do.
"Corcoran!" Coach Carter yelled. "Are you participating or are you going to cop out?"
The entire class turned to look at her. Her mouth tried to form words. "I…. I …. "
"Spit it out, Corcoran!" He shook his head. Once he had told her that Santana and Noah were never as terrible as she was. Well, he hadn't said it to her. He had grumbled it to the ground during their flag football unit, which for some reason had become the let's-see-how-many-times-Rachel-and-Kurt-could-be-'accidentally'-tackled unit.
Rachel frowned. Coach Carter really hated her. She finally just shook her head.
"Anyone else going to bow out of this epic American game?"
She looked around. There was no one. She swallowed. She was alone.
Quinn walked into the school. She gave a signature smile at the school receptionist. "What a lovely surprise, Miss Quinn!"
"Hello, I was just going to say hello to Coach Carter."
The woman nodded and she made her way toward the gym. She heard Rachel say that she had gym at this time. She just wanted to look in on her. She was angry with herself when Rachel told her that she only told her about the kids at school because she assumed that Quinn wouldn't do anything. Quinn hadn't ever stuck up for anyone but Brittany. She thought about it more deeply. She had never had to stick up for someone or it was that she never wanted to. However, now that Rachel didn't expect it, she felt a need to be there for her.
Quinn stood in the back of the gym. She saw Coach Carter screaming about something. Then she spotted Rachel. Her heart dropped a little. The girl was clad in a t-shirt and gym shorts. She looked even smaller and younger than she normally did. She was standing by herself on the one side of the gym with a look of dread on her face. Her arms that had been tightly folded over her chest slowly loosened. Wait, she told herself. She remembered this. When the kids didn't want to play, Coach Carter allowed—
She didn't finish her thought. Suddenly twenty-three balls were chucked at Rachel. Quinn couldn't even see the girl for almost fifteen seconds. When the balls finally settled Rachel was cowered on the ground with her legs tucked underneath her and her arms over her head.
"You're out, beaker," Jeanie laughed. The other kids laughed. Quinn caught Kurt looking regrettably at the girl.
"Walk it off, Corcoran. You're fine."
Quinn watched as Rachel stood slowly. She wasn't fine. Rachel was little and she was just caught in the battlefield of dodgeballs. She watched the girl wince and walk briskly to the locker room. She watched as everyone else readied for the game. She watched with anger and frustration as Jeanie and her friends laughed.
The pool at the country club was the busiest place to be on the weekends in the summer. Five years old and Quinn wanted to be a good swimmer. She stared at the pool. She however didn't know how to go under without plugging her nose. She really wanted to—
Her thoughts were cut off when she felt herself being picked up and thrown into the pool. She let out a shrill shriek as she was pushed in. She clawed her way to the top only to feel a hand push her down again and again and then a third time. Finally, she was able to sputter to the surface. She coughed the water out of lungs. It was burning. She blinked her eyes. They were on fire too. She looked up and Claire Browning was laughing with her friends as they watched Quinn struggle to get her breath.
"I thought you could swim, Fabray," she laughed.
"I can," Quinn spat through her coughing fit. She looked up and her sister was one of Claire's people. She was laughing with them. Maybe, Quinn thought as she caught her breath Frannie will stick up for her. Maybe, she'll—
"I think she needs another lesson," Frannie sneered. "How else will she learn?"
Claire pushed Quinn back and she fell back into the pool. She could hear the girls laughing as she struggled under the water. She kicked her feet and pushed up with her arms. It was getting harder. They allowed her to come up for air and then as soon as she thought she almost caught her breath they pushed her back down.
Suddenly she felt a pair of gentle arms on her. She felt herself being pulled out of the water. Someone was rubbing her back as she coughed up the water.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Quinn blinked back the water and hugged the warm body that was holding her and rubbing her back. She looked at the nice pearls and the blonde hair of the woman holding her. For a second she thought it was her mother, then she heard the voice more clearly as her ears cleared up.
"That was dangerous, girls! Claire Browning, your father will hear about this. Get out of here! I will be talking to each of your parents!" She waved her arm in their direction. "You should be ashamed of yourselves! Go find your parents." The girls started to disperse. "Frances, you stay here," she called out.
Mrs. Pierce set Quinn on the ground. Quinn looked the beautiful woman in the eye as she caught her breath. "Are you okay, sweetheart?" She gave a quick nod. Mrs. Pierce redirected her attention to her sister next to her. "You should be ashamed of yourself, Frannie! Go get your sister a towel and meet me by your mother at the bar over there. Shameful!"
Quinn followed her sister quietly as they retrieved a towel. Frannie tore it from the towel boy's hands and threw it at Quinn. She almost fell backwards. Frannie caught her by the front of her suit. She wrapped the towel around her roughly and pulled Quinn towards her. Her ears were still ringing but they rang louder when she felt her sister's palm hit the side of her head.
"Thanks a lot!" she hissed. "This is all your fault!"
Quinn didn't have time to respond when she felt Frannie grab the towel and drag her toward the bar.
She sighed as she watched Rachel disappear. Frannie never stood up for her. Claire Browning had been mean to her until she finally pushed her in the pool. She had a sore bottom from that but she remembered how it was worth it. She knew that Santana and Puck stood up for Rachel but not how she needed. Certainly not how Quinn thought she needed.
The blonde squared her shoulders and walked into the gym with her signature smile on her face.
"Fabray," Coach Carter smiled. "What are you doing here?"
"Just visiting. Running an errand for Coach Sylvester," she said with a shrug. She nodded toward the locker room. "Shouldn't you do damage control?"
He shrugged. "You mean Corcoran?" He waved his hand. "She's a cry baby. I know she has it in her. Her brother and sister were brutal. She just needs to toughen up."
Quinn kept her game face. "I see. Yeah, I know them," she shrugged casually. "However, you don't want a lawsuit? At least make sure she's not going to go cry to her mom, you know."
Coach Carter laughed. "She won't. This is the third time this year. Though this is the first time she's been alone." He shrugged. Quinn gave an arch of her eyebrow. He reconsidered. "I guess I should check, huh?"
"Maybe even bring her girly friend too," the blonde suggested casually. "Can't be alone with a student and all."
He nodded. "Always thinking." He pointed at the other kids. "Whip them into shape, will ya?"
She gave him a smirk. "Of course."
She watched Kurt eye her suspiciously as he was called over by Coach Carter and then pulled into the locker room.
She looked at the kids. "Let's play. On my count."
The dodgeball game began. She pulled over the bin of balls and loaded up. She continued to wear her game face as she pitched a ball with all her might at Jeanie Marks's head. It slammed against her with force. She smiled.
"New rule," Quinn announced. "If you're tagged out by me, you get an extra five lives. You can stay in until you are tagged out five times." She gave a smile and a tilt of her head. The kids looked at her with frowns of confusion.
Quinn continued to use every muscle in her body to pound the balls against Jeanie and the other girls. She spotted Billy Myers when someone cheered him on from the sidelines. She aimed and fired and watched him fall clenching his family jewels. It wasn't long until the kids were all moaning in pain wanting to be tagged out.
"Please tag me out," Jeanie whined.
Quinn smiled. "Sure thing!"
She brought her arm back, even though the girl was barely two yards away from her and hit her straight in the face. The sound echoed around the gym.
Quinn smiled. "Anyone else?"
The kids all looked at Jeanie's form on the floor and shook their heads.
"Well continue," she laughed. "The game is still going on."
She proceeded to chuck balls at random kids. Each of them groaned in relief when they were tagged out.
"How's it going?" Coach Carter asked as he emerged from the locker room.
"I hate dodgeball," Jeanie whined. Her face was red already from the last hit Quinn delivered.
"Nice work, Fabray," he nodded in approval.
"How's the girl they pummeled?" Quinn asked casually with a steel face.
He shrugged. "She's fine. She told me she doesn't even need to go to the nurse. Right, Hummel?"
Quinn hadn't noticed Kurt follow the Coach out. Kurt was too busy surveying Quinn's damage.
"I must be going," Quinn said with a shrug. "Thanks for letting me play."
Quinn grabbed a ball in her hands as she walked toward Jeanie and her friends.
"You're Quinn Fabray," Jeanie said with awe. "Head Cheerio."
"Sure am," Quinn said with a grin. She bent close to Jeanie's ear. "Being a bitch doesn't get you far. Lay off the weak kids, because you'll be a weak kid when you get to high school. I'll make sure of it."
She stood up and started to walk away. She turned suddenly. "Catch!"
She took the ball she was tossing and put all of her strength behind it, using both of her hands. She pitched the ball overhead and straight again at Jeanie's face. She didn't wait for it to land before she walked away. The slap, groan then the slam of the body against the floor didn't phase her as she exited the gym.
"Walk it off!" Coach Carter called out as Quinn left the gym.
Rachel made sure to wipe her tears and swallow the ache in her body before she exited the locker room. She had assured Coach Carter she was fine. She was fine. She took a deep breath and exited. She frowned at the sight. Everyone was groaning in pain on the ground. She looked at Kurt who just shook his head with a mixture of horror and confusion. She arched her eyebrow and watched as Jeanie Marks stood up cradling her face.
"I have a bloody nose, Coach," she called out.
"Lean your head back and don't drip on the floor," he yelled. "That, kids, is how you play dodgeball."
…
Brittany watched as Santana ran from the room. She felt a heavy burden on her head. She hid her face in her hands. What had she done? Fuck.
"Well, well," a voice taunted behind her.
She looked up and hardened her face. She stood to her feet.
"What do you want, Shitney?" Brittany asked with her hands on her hips.
Whitney scowled. "You really need to get new material."
The blonde scowled. "You need to stop taking big shits at the Corcorans."
The senior frowned. "I was sick!"
"We all know," Brittany said with mock sympathy. "We all heard you."
"You really need to stop being so proud of that," Whitney said. "I have this over you now." She smirked. "McKinley's Cheering Lesbos. Great ring to it, don't you think? God, I mean no one would really be surprised with you, Brittany. You practically scream 'whatever-I-can-take.' But Santana." Whitney laughed and shook her head as she circled Brittany. "What would people say? Head Bitch herself. A Lesbian in Lima. What a cliché."
Brittany scowled at the girl. Whitney wanted her to break. She couldn't show this bitch that her heart was beating out of her chest. She couldn't let this girl win. She gave a smirk. She wouldn't let her. She learned a lot from being friends with Santana. One of the things she learned was leverage. She had saved this for a rainy day.
"I don't think you'll say a thing," Brittany said casually.
"And why is that?" the senior laughed.
Brittany gave a smirk and giggle. "How long have you been with Puck?"
"Over a year," Whitney said crossing her arms.
The blonde laughed this time and watched Whitney shift uncomfortably. "And when did they entire hockey team get syphilis?"
Whitney's face hardened as she took in an angered breath. "That wasn't me!"
Brittany laughed. "Really?"
The older girl shook her head. "Puck and I were together."
The blond crinkled her nose with a smile. "If I remember correctly, you were fighting. It was winter. It was cold. You needed something to keep you warm. I remember very well. It was last February. We went on Winter Break. You and Puck got into this epic fight in the garage about something….What was it?"
"Valentine's Day," she said with a grunt.
Brittany smiled. "Right, Valentine's Day." She let her smile fade. "You then spread your 'love' to the hockey teams. I wasn't positive until I saw you at the hospital when I went to pick up my dad. You were getting your penicillin shots. I snooped. And I have kept my mouth shut until now." She watched as the information sunk in. "What would Puck think if he knew?" She stepped close to the girl. "Imagine at this moment me telling the school that you gave the hockey team syphilis." She paused and let the possibility become a reality in Whitney's imagination. "What you think will happen, what you expect to feel, if you tell anyone about what you just saw in here will hurt Santana a million times worse. Don't be a heartless bitch." She watched the girl's eyes register the information. "Puck would never forgive you. Ever."
Whitney folded her arms with a glare. "He can't know."
The taunting smile on Brittany's face faded. "Then shut up and get out of here."
She frowned but left the locker room.
…..
Rachel's body ached for the rest of the afternoon. Kurt still wouldn't look at her. Her only satisfaction was that Jeanie Marks had an ugly bruise on her face.
"It matches her insides, don't you think?" she asked Kurt lightly after school.
Kurt gave a tiny smirk but didn't look at her.
"Are you mad because I had to leave rehearsal early?" He didn't respond but Rachel could see the confirmation in his eyes. "Please don't be mad," she began hurriedly. "Please. It's not my fault. My mom forgot that my sisters had an appointment." Kurt snorted. "What?" He didn't look at her. "Listen, thank you for asking me if I was alright after class today."
He stood from his seat to go turn in his paper. "It was gym, Rachel. It doesn't matter."
She frowned. "Why are you so angry with me?"
He stopped and turned to look at her. "I just…..You and your family Rachel you think you can do anything. Even Quinn thinks that now –''
"What are you talking about?"
"You let people just fall at your feet. I tell you that Mr. Schuester freaks me out and you leave me alone with him," he said with sadness. "I mean really, Rachel? Can you be that oblivious?"
"Kurt, I really don't think—''
He shook his head. "It doesn't matter what you think. It matters how I feel and you just ignored that. And it sucks. I'm sorry. I just need a while to be mad. Leave me alone, Rachel."
She frowned after him. This day really sucked.
….
Santana sauntered out to the parking lot in front of the school. Just as Brittany predicted, Quinn was waiting there. She frowned as she realized that Brittany had been right: Quinn wouldn't run.
"Hey," she said casually.
"Hi," Quinn said smugly.
Santana frowned. There was a reddened stain on the back of Quinn's uniform. Before Santana could ask a question, one of her least favorite people was suddenly invading her personal space.
"Hi Shitney," she said with a grin.
Whitney frowned and folded her arms.
"As your brother's girlfriend and a senior, you owe me more respect, you never know what I know, what leverage I have," Whitney said with an arch of her eyebrow.
"Back off, Richards," Quinn said annoyed. She was exhausted. Chucking balls at eleven year olds was a tiring task.
"Oh right Captain," Whitney hissed. "Because you have graced us with your presence, clearly I'll follow your orders."
"Back off Richards," Santana hissed. "She's still your captain."
"Correction," Whitney counters. "Actually she's posing. She hasn't been at any practices really, and if she has, she doesn't do much. Therefore, at most she's supposedly the captain. Also, she's staying at my boyfriend's. So Captain, tell me again to back off."
Quinn looked at her and smirked. She shook her head. "Back off, Richards."
Santana waved her arm in frustration. "Like she said, back off. Calm your lady balls, Shitney. Stick them back up your ass and walk away. And you know what, my brother has never called you his girlfriend. You know why?" Santana didn't wait for an answer. "You're a desperate idiot and he's not your boyfriend that's why. He just sees you as a long term fuck buddy," she sneered. "And secondly Quinn is your captain because she can do this."
Santana dropped her bag. She ran and did a round off back handspring into a full twisting double layout and then landed it perfectly. She looked at the smug senior who was trying her best not to look impressed.
"We can do that and you? You're still mastering somersaults." She looked at the girl with disgust.
"What's happening?" she heard her brother ask.
"You're timing is impeccable," Santana forced a smile.
"We'll be waiting over here," Quinn said as she practically dragged Santana away. "Aggressive much?"
"Oh, thanks, Mother Teresa," Santana scoffed. "And you're welcome."
"Whatever, we know you don't like Shitney, but put your fangs and claws away."
Santana frowned. "Again, you're in a good mood. What's up with that?"
"You're in a particularly bad mood, what's up with that?" Quinn fired back.
"Touché."
A silence fell over them. Santana snuck a glance over at the girl. Finally, Quinn broke her thoughts.
'We don't need to have a moment, do we?" Quinn asked with a sigh.
Santana folded her arms as she waited for her mother to pull up. She paused and looked forward. "Nope, this is as close as it's going to get to a heartwarming moment. Take a picture. It'll last longer.."
…..
Noah watched Quinn and Santana head toward the edge of the parking lot.
"What was that about?" he asked with a nod as he wrapped his arms around Whitney.
"They're just being dicks," she said with a sigh leaning into the boy.
"Yeah, they do that."
"So Santana," Whitney began.
"What about her?" Noah asked tensing a bit.
Whitney shrugged. "Nothing, baby. Just…. She dated Gavin Coleman last year right?"
Noah frowned. "Yeah," he said with a growl. "And he was a dick. Why are you asking?"
"I'm just asking," Whitney said, noticing that he was getting upset.
"Don't ask, okay?"
The girl frowned. "What? Why?"
"She's my sister. It's not your place." He relaxed and didn't seem to notice Whitney's dissatisfaction with his answer. He gave her a grin. "We're still on tonight. Bonfire?" She nodded and leaned in for a kiss. She was trying to ignore his dismissal of her questions. She needed him. "Perfect. Pick me up?"
"Absolutely, birthday boy," she smiled.
Santana felt bile in her throat rise as she watched them kiss. Her brother could date a cereal box and it would gross her out less. She felt a nudge on her arm. She followed Quinn's gaze. Shelby waved at them from the Range Roover.
Quinn sat quietly in the backseat. There was a stinging in her back that indicated that something has split open. Fuck those eleven year olds she cursed at as they pulled up to the junior high school. She watched with a pang of a minor degree of guilt as Rachel climbed into the backseat with her and Santana with a wince. The girl's head was down and she was practially silent. She reached behind her for her seatbelt and grimaced.
"Why are you taking so long?" Noah asked from the front seat.
"Lay off," Quinn scolded. She reached over and grabbed the seatbelt for Rachel. However, the girl looked at her in frustration and grabbed the buckle herself.
"I got it."
Santana didn't pay attention to the exchange until the end. Her mind was elsewhere.
"You okay, bug?" she asked over Quinn.
"I'm fine," Rachel whispered as she went back to looking out the window.
Santana studied her for a moment, knowing that she wasn't, but knew she would take care of it at home. She turned back to her window and let her mind wander.
The rest of the evening seemed to glide in uncomfortable, distracted silence.
While they picked up after the meal, everyone's eyes seemed to be focused on each other. Quinn watched Rachel with caution and Rachel searched Noah for answers of his bad mood. Noah continually glanced over at Santana and finally Santana was watching Quinn. Shelby watched the kids dance carefully around each other as they searched for answers to their days. Her own mind was still caught up in her morning meeting.
Santana allowed herself to sitting at the bar and spread out her work. She just wanted this day to end. Therefore, she chose the homework that required the most brainpower. She needed not to think about the things she confessed in the locker room, or the person she confessed them to. She sighed. She also couldn't think about the kiss that had been exchanged. She wasn't that person. As she tried to soak in the words of her textbook, she couldn't escape Brittany's words that still echoed in her head. Approval. Whose approval did she need? She shook her head. No ones.
She tapped her pencil on her books. Acceptance. She wasn't gay. There was no way. If she was….her thoughts trailed off. She wasn't going to let Hiram do that to her. He had already ruined everything. She wasn't going to let him shape her life and especially her future and who she loved. What he had done to her wasn't going to destroy her…. Right? Santana snuck a look over at Rachel, who seemed rather out of sorts. She was oddly quiet and she almost looked sad. Making a mental note to talk with her later, the older brunette thought on. As much as she loved Rachel, what Hiram did penetrated and shaped Rachel's entire being. He had drastically altered who she was supposed to be. However, with Santana, he had just left a deep wound that wouldn't heal. She was raised by two very open and liberal parents and she knew in her heart that her mother would love her if she had been born with an ostrich wing and a giraffe's head. It was everything else that shook her and scared her: the talks and the whispers, but even more achingly, she was worried about what being gay meant to her and for her. It would require her to open up to honest feelings that frightened her simply to think about. She wasn't ready to be gay. It just was never the way she planned for it to happen. There was no doubt in her mind that she cared about Brittany, but she wasn't ready to love and certainly not ready to be loved. She wasn't going to do feelings, Santana Corcoran stopped doing feelings a long time ago. It's not as easy just to love. Chick flicks lie. It's not about a long speech of accepting who you are and crap. It was a constant battle, one that Santana wasn't ready or even willing to fight.
The phone rang interrupting her thoughts. She stood up to get it.
"Nope, you're grounded. Sit back down," Shelby said standing up from her seat, where she was helping Noah with his work.
"I can still go with Whitney in twenty right?" he asked as Shelby grabbed the phone.
She waved her hand at him with a nod and picked up the phone. "Hello?" Santana watched with a frown as her mother stepped into the other room with the phone, but she could still hear her mother's responses. "Yes…. Yes, well- I know my daughter and I …. Yes… I will be speaking with her…..yes. Okay, Thank you."
Santana felt eyes on her. She looked over and Rachel was looking at her with accusing eyes, asking her what she had done. The older girl simply shrugged.
"Rachel," Shelby said with concern and surprise. "Can you come speak to me in the other room please?"
The smaller girl slid out of the chair. Santana noticed for the first time that Rachel was wincing.
"What's going on?" Santana said quickly.
"This doesn't concern you," Shelby said. "Rachel, come in here please."
Quinn couldn't control her heart that beat rapidly in her chest.
"No, Mom," Santana said standing up. "This is my concern. Come here, Rach."
"Rachel, come in here please," Shelby said again. "Santana, I mean it. Let me talk to Rachel."
"Find out why she's wincing," Santana hissed.
Quinn had a foreboding feeling in her chest. Shelby doesn't believe in hitting her children right? She, Puck and Santana quieted even their breathing so they could hear the conversation in the other room.
"That was Mrs. Marks on the phone," Shelby began. "Do you want to tell me what happened in gym class today?"
Quinn could barely see, Rachel's face but she saw the girl frown and shake her head.
Shelby continued. "Apparently, Jeanie came home with a black eye. She told her mother that you threw a ball at her face."
Quinn froze. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! She squeezed her eyes shut in frustration. She heard Rachel's panicked voice from the other room. "I didn't, Mom. I swear! I didn't!"
"Rachel, we know you didn't do this. You literally cannot hurt a fly," Santana said gently sitting next to Rachel.
"Santana," Shelby said with a frown. "I asked you to wait in the kitchen."
"Technically, you didn't," Santana challenged. Her mother shot her a look. "I need to know."
Quinn watched from the kitchen as Shelby chose her battle.
"What happened today, Rachel?"
"Nothing," Rachel muttered. "We just…. We played dodgeball."
"You hate dodgeball," Santana said. "You couldn't even play soccer with the kiddie league when you were five. When the other kids asked you to pass to them, you thought they were chasing you so you picked up the ball and ran in the other direction. You don't do dodgeball."
Noah suddenly realized something. He felt a pang of guilt because he was never on the receiving end; he had been the kid throwing the balls.
"Rachel, you chose not to play didn't you?" Noah asked from the doorframe.
Quinn poked her head around the corner. Rachel was looking at her hands. She looked like she was on the verge of tears. "Mom," Noah said with his arms folded and his brow furrowed. "Look at her back."
Rachel stood up and pulled away. "No."
"Noah, what's going on?"
"Coach Carter allows kids to sit out during dodgeball, but they have to be tagged out by everyone else," Noah explained. "It's fun for everyone except the kids who don't want to play."
"I'm sorry, what?" Shelby said with her bitch-in-charge voice.
"I'm serious," Noah said. "Everyone throws balls at the kid who doesn't want to play."
Shelby looked at her kids in shock.
"Rachel, come here," Santana said reaching out to her.
"It's just dodgeball. It was just … It was just a game. I didn't touch Jeanie and …. It's just a game." Her words were hurried.
"Is it?" Quinn heard herself ask.
The family looked at her and Quinn swore that Santana narrowed her eyes.
Rachel shook her head and continued. There was a clear panic in her chest. "I don't know why Jeanie would tell you that. I didn't touch her."
"Wait a minutes, Jeanie Marks. Isn't that the girl whose backpack you put lollypops in?" Santana asked.
She looked at her big sister in shock. Every time she thought Santana wasn't listening, apparently she was.
"Yes, but that doesn't matter," Rachel said finally as she looked at Santana in shock. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Rachel, come here," Shelby said noticing that her youngest was starting to get flustered and panicked. "It's okay. Just tell us what happened." Her voice was soft as she held out her arms.
"It's nothing. Just a fun game."
Quinn felt an anger flare in her chest. She shook her head and pretended to concentrate on her homework.
"What do you know, Quinn?" Santana suddenly called out to her.
"Nothing," the blonde said. "Why would I know anything?"
Rachel reached out and pulled Santana back to the conversation. "She knows nothing. Can we please drop this? Please?"
Rachel's desperation was past sad. Quinn could see that her eyes were glistening. She was freaking out. Noah knelt in front of her and took her hands. "You didn't want to play, right? So they all threw the balls at you in the first round, right? Let us see, Rach."
Rachel shook her head and pushed her brother away. "It was just a game. It's no big deal."
"If it's no big deal, let's look to see if you're alright. You should not come back from gym class with bruises," Shelby said reaching for Rachel.
"No," Rachel said pulling away. "I'm fine. It's no big deal. I'm fine. Don't treat me like a child!"
"Rachel, come here," Santana tried again. They all didn't want to grab her. She panicked if she was grabbed. They needed to do it right.
"No, please just drop it. I'm fine. I didn't touch Jeanie." Her tears were now falling.
"Rachel, honey, we're not mad at you," Shelby said gently. "Please just let me see."
Rachel struggled and looked at her family. She knew she was trapped. She couldn't get out of it. She knew she had to give in. She always did. Shelby watched as her youngest daughter gave in and sat with her back facing Shelby as she looked at her hands. Santana took her hands. Shelby gave a vocal gasp when she saw the bruises that freckled Rachel's back.
"What happened?" Shelby asked. "Coach Carter permits this?"
Rachel pulled away. "It's fine. Please just drop this. It's just a game. That's all."
Quinn felt her blood boil. Something about hearing Rachel shrug it off for the millionth time broke her patience. She remembered seeing Rachel get attacked with the sea of balls. "It is a big deal, Rachel!" She didn't realize that she had screamed it until the words left her lips.
The family looked at her. Rachel was shaking her head with wide eyes. "Please," she begged. "Please, don't."
"What is she talking about, Quinn?"
Rachel looked at her the tears were falling again. "You promised."