Chapter 8
Streaks of light filtered through his window and he winced when the warmth kissed his skin. He sighed, checking his clock sluggishly. It was just past one in the afternoon and he turned away, hugging himself tightly.
He had been the one that had acted so unfairly. He knew it was him. He knew it was his fault.
He just wished he could admit it.
He was a coward. That was probably why he was curled up on his sofa, his heart hurting. He was so happy but so scared. He didn't want to drag Hide down because of his selfish desires. He didn't want to hurt Hide at all. He just wanted to protect Hide. He wanted to protect Hide from him the most.
He was scared if he let Hide get too close to him, his sunny friend would see him for the monster he was. He was scared. Hide had been right. He was scared. He did have trust issues. However, all of this with his introverted nature combined left him wanting but too scared to reach for what he wanted. He was so happy. He was so happy. Yet he was so hurt. He was so terrified. He didn't want anyone to hurt. He knew he had to distance himself but here was this chance. Hide was his chance.
His chance to true happiness.
He bit his lip, trying to fight a smile, as his heart continued to pound in his chest painfully.
How could one be so happy, yet in so much pain?
He sighed in a resigned manner, sitting up on the sofa, leaning back and closing his eyes again. He felt like a zombie. He had no energy since yesterday. It shouldn't have been surprising that his emotions could render him so useless yet it was. His mind was running circles, starting at Hide, and returning back to Hide.
He really craved this relationship. What would honestly be better than being with his best friend in a slightly more intimate manner? What would be better than hearing Hide say I love you? Or waking up next to a familiar warm body?
What would be better than having Hide as his?
He had always known he was clingy. He had always known he was selfish, but it was so hard to control what he was feeling when it came to the blonde. He wanted him so bad. He wanted Hide so badly. He wanted to be with Hide so badly.
So why couldn't he just accept him?
He was such a mess.
He didn't want to hurt Hide. He didn't want Hide to drag himself through the dirt for him. Didn't want Hide to force any feelings upon himself for him. He wanted Hide to love him because Hide loved him.
He loved Hide.
Didn't he? Or was it that Hide's relationship with Touka had left him feeling jealous, alone and possessive of his best friend. That wasn't the reason was it? He genuinely loved his best friend. It wasn't an infatuation surely.
He was just so fucking selfish.
He was such a fucking mess.
Ding Dong.
He started at the sound that echoed through his small apartment. It had been a day since the argument had taken place and he had no doubt in his mind that Hide was at his door. The thought of facing him after his outburst, after he'd laid his insecurities bare in front of him and hurt him; the thought of facing him after all that made his heart sink. He couldn't do it. He would just pretend to not be at home.
Ding Dong.
He held his breath. Hide would leave. Hide would leave. A few seconds passed with him sitting as still as a statue.
Ding Dong.
Hide had to leave. He couldn't keep this up.
Ding Dong.
Kaneki's heart was torn between leaving his apartment through a window and running as far as possible, and throwing himself against Hide.
Ding Dong. This time the bell was followed by the sound of loud, panicked knocking. It was making him restless.
Ding Dong.
It was driving him over the edge.
More knocking.
'Ken… Open the fucking door.'
Ding Dong.
He got up shakily. Should he?
Ding Dong.
Would he be able to?
Ding Dong.
'Kaneki I'll break your door.'
He shuffled closer, his heart hammering in his chest. He was so torn.
Ding Dong.
He unlocked his door, flinging it open, squinting as the sunlight filtered into his face.
Ding Dong.
As his eyes adjusted to the light he saw Hide staring at him, the blonde's hand still raised- ready to knock.
They were a few inches away from each other, their eyes locked. Neither wavering. He was so entranced by those chocolate coloured eyes that he couldn't move, couldn't talk. There was so much warmth and affection in the gaze that it made his heart soar. How stupid had he been? How had he managed to hurt someone so pure? How could he have not trusted Hide of all people?
He didn't get much chance to dwell on his stupidity as the air was knocked out of him and Hide was against him, hugging him, the comforting, fresh smell of his friend hitting him. The soft blonde head was pressed against his shoulder, his arms strong against Kaneki's frame. Kaneki found himself laughing softly, hugging Hide back as hushed apologies were whispered into his neck. How had he managed to become so close to someone this amazing? Could someone like Hide really love someone like him?
'I'm so sorry Hide…' he mumbled into the other's hair, pressing himself closer to Hide. It felt so good to be feeling him again. After so long. It felt so relieving being honest with his most precious person.
'It happens, Kaneki. I understand.'
Kaneki could feel tears pricking his eyes. Of course Hide understood. Who else would? 'I was so selfish, I am so-' his voice cracked a little and he flushed self-consciously. Hide pulled back from their tight embrace, his hands still on his shoulders and looked at him tenderly. 'It's okay, Kaneki. Believe me.' And he did. He all but fell into Hide's arms, clutching the other and Hide laughed at his actions, holding him just as tightly. And it felt so good.
He wouldn't have dreamed that being held by someone that cared about him so much would have been this soothing. So warm. Just like sunshine.
'Hide,' he mumbled, the two boys were on his small sofa, Kaneki's head on Hide's shoulder with Hide's on his. Their fingers were entwined, the blonde's thumb occasionally rubbing circles onto the back of his hand. 'Yeah?' 'I trust you. I don't want you hurt though.' There was a beat of silence and Hide pressed his lips against his pale hair and he flushed.
'I'm not easily hurt Neki!' He didn't argue with that statement. It was true, Hide wasn't as breakable as he had possessively assumed. Hide was strong. Hide wouldn't break easily at all.
It was funny how everything had fallen into place. It was almost as if Touka, Tsukiyama, everyone had been parts of the chess board, and they had somehow managed to throw the two best friends' together. Even with their contrasting colours. They were here, and happy. He smiled at the thought.
'I love you,' he said softly, moving his head and turning to look at his friend in the eye; there was a faint, barely noticeable blush on the other man's face. 'It's okay if you don't.'
And he meant that. He sincerely would be okay to make Hide love him. Slowly. He could wait. He could push down his inherently selfish nature.
Hide grinned at him wryly.
'I'm really happy that you said that Ken.' A pause. 'But I have been thinking about these feelings. I know- surprise, surprise.' The blonde took a deep breath.
'I've known you a while Kaneki. I mean, I know your morbid books inside out and I haven't read them. I have your poems memorised and I have only heard you recite them. I know how easily flustered you get over stupid things like underwear. I know that you don't like crowds. I know that you prefer libraries over clubs. I know your nerdy fashion sense and I know that you are the most gentle and kind person ever.' Kaneki was staring at Hide, his lips twitching as Hide started nervously playing with their linked fingers.
'I also know your bad side though. Your temper tantrums. I know how angry you get over books. I know how unknowingly and amusingly sarcastic you can be. I know that you have that bad habit of keeping everything to you and thinking of yourself as a burden. I know you have a hundred secrets that you aren't, and might never be ready to tell me. I know a lot about you Ken. I accept all of that. Heck I adore all of that.'
'Hide…'
Hide didn't stop, just continued talking, smiling, his eyes on their hands.
'But the amazing thing is that I'm still learning about you Ken. A new quirk, a new habit. A new guilty pleasure. And I love that.'
Another shaky breath.
'I was so worked up in trying to analyse my feelings that honestly it had just become brain work and patterns. I didn't realize that it was not supposed to make sense. I get that now. I was supposed to let myself feel. I am supposed to let myself just feel. I mean. I am now. And I really feel for you. I think…'
He leaned in closer to a smiling Kaneki, pressing their foreheads together.
'I think,' Hide's hands, crept to Kaneki's face, cupping it between his palms.
'I think I feel the most for you Ken.' He told the white haired man sincerely, earning a blush from Kaneki. Before he could pull out of Hide's grip, the blonde had leaned forward pressing a chaste kiss to the others lips. A feather light touch which made his lips tingle. It was over as quickly as it had started and Hide moved back, looking pleased with himself.
Kaneki was sitting, probably looking completely stunned, slender fingers with dark nails pressed to his lips which were still tingling from the touch.
'Now… That's not fair Hide.'
He nearly cracked up at Hide's startled face, and slowly moved forward, pressing himself against Hide. The other pressed beneath him, looking up at him expectantly. He knew he shouldn't be thinking about how beautiful Hide looked, with his eyes lit up beneath his lashes, but that was the word that sprung to mind. Hide is beautiful. He leaned over slowly, lowering his lips to the others and Hide raised his head to meet him. They kissed softly at first, slowly, revering in the attention of the other, as well as the intimacy from the gesture. The blonde's hands' grabbed a fistful of Kaneki's shirt as the kiss grew more heated. Hide was nipping at Kaneki's lips and the white haired boy almost wanted to laugh. He was supposed to be the half ghoul but Hide's the one doing the biting. He copied the blonde's gesture and gasped, Hide tasted amazing. He tilted his head gaining better access into the other and he can feel Hide's hot breath against his own. With that, all rational thought was thrown out the window. He traced Hide's bottom lip with his tongue, hesitantly at first and then more confidently when Hide responded with breathy sighs, parting his mouth for the other eagerly. They were both just so close to each other. He can taste Hide so vividly. He moves back for a breath of air and Hide grunts in disagreement and crushes their mouths together fiercely. Kaneki feels dazed, his only coherent thought being a mixture of: Finally and, this is perfect. They kiss for a while, unaware of much else other than the feeling of each other.
When they finally pull apart, both of them are flushed and panting. Kaneki can't believe he did that. That they did that. It seemed entirely surreal. He wants to pinch himself but realizes that that would probably look stupid and he would never live down the teasing.
He was probably smiling stupidly at the man underneath him, but Hide is too. Although Hide's smiles competed directly with the sun in terms of both warmth and how blinding they were. In his opinion, Hide won.
'Wow Kaneki. So you're a top now?'
'Shut up Hide,' he laughed flushing, hitting the other lightly.
'Be more polite, I'm going to be taking the brunt of your dominance,' Hide continued unfazed.
'Oh Kami-sama. Please shut up.'
This was followed by loud laughter from the two that echoed in the small apartment for hours to come.
He sipped his coffee, watching Hide study his notes. The bright man was concentrating exceptionally hard, as could be identified from the crease on his forehead. Year end exams for university had arrived, and Kaneki was done with his. Hide on the other hand still had one left, and was thus left to grudgingly study for it. He smiled as Hide stuck out his tongue in concentration.
They were still together two years later.
They had fought, they had made up. They had been to book stores, restaurants, movies, coffee shops. They had laughed together and cried together.
The most amazing thing about the two of them-for Kaneki- was that the man across from him was still his best friend. The one with bright smiles that made the day better, the nights bearable, the easily excited, overly-hyper ball of sunshine. Not just his best friend though, Hide was his everything and anything.
And he couldn't think of anything more relieving.
A/N: The deed is done.
Thank you to everyone that has supported me.
Thank you for the supportive reviews from everyone. I would like to tell you that it has been a pleasure writing this and I hope you've enjoyed reading it too.
Another thank you to my amazing beta.
Feel free to drop a message if you have a question or want to talk.
Love,
-Ever