Chapter 9
Tris
I wake up to a pounding headache. I groan and open my eyes. The light streaming through the window lets me know it's late morning, or possibly early afternoon. I sit up in me and Tobias' bed, and glance to my left. Tobias is sleeping soundly. He seems to peaceful when he sleeps, and that makes me smile. I could never be without him. I wouldn't let myself. As I'm watching him sleep, I see his eyebrows furrow. He must be having a bad dream. I want to comfort him, but for some reason I'm scared. "No.. Stop, Dad. Please. No! NOOOO!" He's yelling in his sleep now, and I'm crying. He's pushing something invisible to me away, and I know that something is Marcus. Tobias is crying in his sleep, and I shake him awake. I cradle him in my arms, soothing him. "Shh, baby. You're okay. It was just a dream. You're okay." Eventually, his cascade of tears slows to a dribble, and he's able to talk to me. "I'm sorry," he says softly. "You shouldn't have had to see that." I smile sadly to myself. Tobias is being selfless, as always. 'What on Earth are you apologizing for, Tobias? You did nothing wrong. You can't control what you dream." He sighs. "I know, but... I wish I could. I wish I could dream happy things, and push Marcus out of my mind forever. When I'm awake, I feel that I'm finally free of him, but he comes back to haunt me in my dreams." He almost cries again, but holds it in, all for me. I can't let him do this to himself. "Do you feel like telling me what your dream was about?" I ask him. He looks at me. "I guess I have to. This is something you need to know." Tobias takes a deep breath, and closes his eyes. I can't imagine the pain it causes him to retell his worst nightmares. "I was about 7 years old. I had just come home from school, and Evelyn was nowhere to be found. I was dreading coming home, but I didn't really have any other choice. I set down my backpack, and Marcus came around the corner. Well, more like stumbled. Even from down the hallway, I could smell the whiskey on him. 'Afternoon, boy.' he said, and made his way towards me. I shrunk against the wall, expecting him to hit me again, but he didn't. It couldn't have been worse." One tear leaks out of the corner of his eye, and he takes a breath again and shudders. "Baby, you don't have to tell me-"
"Yeah, I do, Tris. You need to know this." He opens his eyes and looks at me. "I just hope you don't find me different after." He closes his eyes again, and continues to tell me what I know now to be a memory, and not just a dream. "When Marcus finally reached me, he just stood there and looked at me. He was drunk out of his mind.
But I think he still knew what he was doing, and that's what makes it worse. 'Take off your jacket. It's hot in here." I oblige, not wanting to tick him off. After I hang my jacket on a hook, he smirks. 'While you're at it, why not your shirt, too?' Why would he want me to take my shirt off? I hesitated, and he screamed in my face.
'TAKE IT OFF, TOBIAS!' I ripped my shirt over my head, still confused. Marcus leers at me, and says 'I'll be right back. Don't you move an inch, or I'll tan your pretty little hide raw.' He turns around and lurches to the kitchen. He called me pretty. My heart sinks as I realize what he's doing. This is something I never dreamed would happen to me, or to anybody. As I turned around to open the door and leave, Marcus came back around the corner with his belt and... a chair? 'Just where in Hell do you think YOU'RE going, Tobias?' I shut the door, and lock it. I know I have to endure this, because it'll be over soon. 'Nowhere, sir.' 'Good.' He sets the chair right in front of me, and sits himself down on it. He leers at me again, expelling his nauseous breath. 'Now, since you're already halfway nude, you may as well strip right down, eh?' He chuckles himself, like he thinks he's the funniest man in the world. 'No.' He stops, and I instantly begin regretting what I said. Without warning, his belt whips out and lashes me across the cheek. That's what this scar is from." Tobias points to a thin white line, about two inches long, on his forehead.
I'd never noticed that scar before. "Tobias, I'm so sorry.. I never dreamed it was this bad. Please, stop hurting yourself by telling me this." I'm begging him. It kills me to see him like this.
"No. You wanted to know, and now I'm telling you. I'm sorry, Tris. But I need to get this out." I swallow and nod, and Tobias tells me the last segment of this sick,
twisted memory that resides in his mind. "After that, I oblige. I take the rest of my clothes off, and stand in front of him. The rest, as they say, is history." He smiles, a twisted grimace I've never seen on his face before, and I flinch. "Before you ask, no. He didn't rape me. I don't think he'd go that far. But, he touched me, and every time I shrank away, he'd hit me with the belt. Eventually I just gave up and let him do what he pleased. When he was done, I locked myself in the bathroom and showered for hours. After I came out, he beat me again. I thought maybe he was just drunk, and he'd never do it again. But, he did. He did maybe 10 times the whole time I lived with him. And now you know."
I open my mouth, but no sound comes out. I just made him tell me his deepest, darkest secret. I tear up, and he hugs me. "No, Tris, don't. It's okay. I needed to get that weight off my chest. I'm sorry if I hurt you." I shake my head. "No, Tobias. I'm sorry for making you say that out loud. I'm sorry I'm not like you. You're so selfless, and caring and just incredible. Despite what Marcus did to you, you're still an amazing man. You're perfect, never forget that. The only thing I find different about you now, is that you're so much stronger than I could even comprehend." He lets out a sigh of relief. "Thank God," he says. "I thought you'd think I was tainted, or gross, or something." I kiss him. "I'll never think that of you. I love you." "I know," he says. After that, we just lay there for a while, and a thought crosses my mind. "Tobias?" I say carefully, knowing I'm in dangerous waters. "Hmm?"
"Um.. I know it's hard for you to open up to me.." He sits up and looks into my eyes. I don't know what he's thinking. "But... I think that everything you're holding back, and even things I'm holding back, is a barrier between us. We'll keep arguing when you tell me things I don't know, or I tell you something I omitted accident-
ally, or even on purpose. I think we need to get everything out on the table. No more secrets." I look at him, waiting for an answer. A thousand emotions flicker across his face. I see anger, hurt, and mistrust. I see love, hate, and compassion. I see confusion, and so many more that I don't recognize. My heart skips a beat when Tobias nods.
Tobias
My first reaction to Tris's suggestion is anger. Hot, intense anger. I'm angry that she wants me to spill my darkest secrets to her, a girl I barely know. I'm angry that she thinks it's going to be that angry for me. I'm angry about how insensitive she's being.
I flinch at my own thoughts. I may barely know Tris, but I know her better than anyone else. The same goes for her. Although Tris and I really just met not so long ago, we know each other better than anyone else, and it feels like we've been together for eternity. We are in tune with each other. We're meant to be.
My second instinct is to simply refuse her offer, and act like nothing happened. Which would result in us continuing the cycle I'm only just realizing is there. Some-
where, somehow, Tris and I immersed ourselves in this cycle of arguing, making up, acting like it didn't happen, and repeating. And Tris is right. It isn't healthy for me, or her, or our relationship, to keep doing this.
Also, it isn't healthy for me to keep all these secrets and emotions buried deep inside me, although I hate to admit it. I don't have access to a counsellor, or a journal, or anything I can pour my heart and soul into. Except Tris. And she, I realize, is the best option. This will be good for me. It will help me to be myself, something only Tris has made me able to do.
Since I don't really know how to respond to her request, I just nod. Her eyes widen. She must have thought I would get mad again, and refuse. I chuckle to myself dark-
ly. This is a perfect example of how well Tris and I really don't know each other.
That fact kills me. The fact that the girl- no, the woman- that I am in love with, the only thing I live for, barely knows me. And the fact that I barely know her. I look into Tris's eyes, searching for the same emotions I am feeling, and I see them. I see her pouring all her emotions, all of her love for me, her anger at me for hiding Uriah's death from her, her pain and anguish caused by her parent's death, her unrelenting fury directed at Caleb, into me. She wants to tell me all of these things, but I know how hard it is to find words to describe what she is feeling. I have felt these exact emotions since I was young. I reach for Tris's hand, and she laces her fingers through mine. Even this simple display of affection causes my heart to throb with love for Tris. I smile, and she blushes. Before I met Tris, I thought my capacity to love had disappeared completely. I felt like a machine, emotionless and wired a certain way, never changing. But as soon as I pulled the first jumper from the net, that changed. Her touch sent a shock through my entire body, penetrating deep into my soul, and I knew that I had to have her. It may have been selfish of me at the time, but sometimes, selfishness is necessary to make one happy. It certainly worked for me.
I lean across the six inches between us and gently press my lips to Tris', feeling hers part beneath mine. This is not a sexual kiss, or one filled with lust. I try to convey my love for her into this simple action, but it's impossible. Nothing in the universe could truly describe how I feel about her.
But I think it partially worked, because she smiles as we kiss, making me blush, which makes her smile even wider. "I love you, Tobias. No matter what. Always remember that." She hugs me around the waist and kisses my cheek. "I love you too, Tris." I kiss her forehead. Even though we're practically entwined, the space between us feels like too much, and I sigh. "What?" asks Tris, a worried look crossing her face. "Nothing," I respond, and she narrows her eyes at me. This is going to be harder than I thought.
I sigh again. "I just feel like we're never close enough, evne though we really can't be any closer." I close my eyes, thinking how ridiculous that sounds. I'm surpr-
ised when Tris nods enthusiastically."
"You know, I feel the same way. Even when we were making love-" Tris blushes at the memory, and I grin at her, "I felt like I wanted to touch your soul. I feel like...
I want to touch your soul." Instantly she covers her face with her hands. "Forget I said that. That was bad, and corny and cheesy and too lovey dovey and... ugh. Sorry Tobias." I shake my head at her, laughing quietly. "I agree."
She looks at me incredulously, like I grew an extra arm. "I'm glad," she says, and squeezes my hand. We sit there in silence for a few minutes, and eventually I realize she wants me to start. "What do you want me to start with?" I ask her, dreading the answer. "Uhm... I think we should start with smaller stuff, and gradually get to the big, important things." I blink. That was unexpected. I thought she would've wanted to know everything big right away. Another painful reminder of how little I really know about my girlfriend. I guess that means I should start with inconsequential facts, like my favourite flower or colour. But I just don't know what to say. I visibly struggle to find words,
until I think of a solution. "How about we ask each other questions?" I say, and she nods. "Good plan. I figured it'd be hard to just say stuff. What's your favourite color?" "Uhm, brown..." I say, hanging my head. She makes a face. "Brown? Why brown?"
I shrug. "I don't know. Why is anything anyone's favourite. Brown is warm, and homey, and comfortable. It doesn't signify anything, good or bad. It's regular. I love brown." "Makes sense, I guess. Your turn."
I think for a second. "What is your favourite... band?" "Uh, you're probably not gonna believe this, but... Sepultura."
Wow. I didn't realize she was into that kind of music. You learn something new every day. We go on like this for a few hours, learning every little fact about each other, from our favourite seasons to what we wanted to be when we were little, our favourite childhood memories. That was a hard one for me, but I managed to come up with a memory of Marcus and Evelyn pushing me on the swingset when I was around 4 years old.
Eventually, we run out of questions, and I look at Tris. "Well, now what?" I pretend to play stupid, knowing full well what's coming next. The big stuff.
"Now... now, we tell each other what really matters." She looks at me, and I see nothing but love in her eyes. "I'll start this time." Tris takes a deep breath. "I... miss Caleb, Tobias. I really do. I miss how he and I used to be, before the Choosing Ceremony, before he became Erudite and I became Dauntless, before he sold us to Jeanine. I want my brother back. I want to be able to playfully punch each other, and crack jokes, and reminisce about our childhood together. But everytime I look at him, I feel a surge of hatred. That hatred is so strong, but it battles with love. And I can't choose one or the other, so it's easier for me to just push him away from me." She bites her lip, trying not to cry, and I say quietly "Let it out, baby." She crawls into my arms, and the tears begin to flow. After a few minutes, they stop, and now it's my turn. What to say? I have a lot of secrets. I search for one that seems fitting, knowing that I'll have to go through all of them anyways, and say, "I love my parents."
Tris looks at me, and simply says, "I know."
Tears well up, but I force myself to explain why. "I remember being young. Really young, when I was just starting school. And Evelyn, Marcus, and I were a real family.
We went to the park, and cleaned the house together. My parents would hold hands, and laugh and smile, and it was genuine. I love that part of them, which I know is buried deep within them. But, I can't forgive them for making my life hell. I'll never be able to forgive Marcus for destroying me, or Evelyn for leaving me with him.
It seems to everyone that she had no choice, but she did. So, I guess we're alike. I find it easier to just avoid them as much as possible, and keep them out of my life." As soon as I finish, I feel like an enormous weight lifts off my chest, and the tears don't come. This is going to be good for me. Tris hugs me tight. "I'll always be here if you need me, love. Don't ever forget that." I nod, unable to speak. My love for her in this moment is immense, and I can't help but begin to cry.
"Hey, hey, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" She takes my head in her hands, and lays me in her lap, stroking my hair. I just laugh. "I'm not sad, Tris. I just... love you. A lot." Tris blushes, and bends down to kiss me. At this rate, we'll both have permanent blushes by the end of the night. It's Tris's turn to speak, and she talks about her parents. "I just miss them, Tobias. But it's not like Caleb, where I hate them, too. At first I was mad at them for leaving me, but after thinking about it, I realized that they were trying to show their love for me by dying for me. Sometimes it's hard to be without them by my side, encouraging me and giving me advice. And I think it'll be that way for the rest of my life. But, I know that as long as I have you here, and your shoulder to cry on, I'll be okay."
She smiles wanly, wiping up her tears. My turn again. I decide to tell her about why I left Abnegation, not only to get away from Marcus, but to be free. I tell Tris about turning down Max's offer of leade-r rship twice, and why. I tell her the reasons for going through my fear landscape over and over, and why I know my fears will never disappear.
Tris tells me about her fears, especially the intimacy. She tells me about how I was in her simulation. She talks about why she left Abnegation, and she explains her tattoos to me. She tells me about rough times in her life, like her uncle's passing. We both talk about Evelyn's funeral, and I talk about the first time I met her after I found out she was alive. Eventually, we are out of secrets. And I can't stop smiling. Tris and I have laid ourselves bare in front of each other, confessed absolutely everything. I regret the anger I first felt when she suggested we do this. I finally feel free, free of all the burdens and weight I've been carrying around on my shoulders for years.
And it's all thanks to Tris. I know now that our relationship will be healthy, and we'll argue once in a while, but not often. There's no barriers between Tris and I anymore, and I'm grateful for that. We celebrate the occasion with a bottle of champagne I found in the fridge, and I cook the best supper I can come up with: spaghetti. We fall asleep in each other's embrace, and for the first time in years, I have a peaceful sleep.
Well, there you guys go. Chapter 9, which is a hugely important chapter. No more arguing every couple days, and life will be better from here on... for a while. Muahahahaha.
Something important is happening in chapter 10, so yeah. It'll be up within the next few days.
Please review, guys. Let me know how you like it so far. And thanks for the 2,200+ views!