Chapter 22
M4A3E8 76W – Thank you for the review. Russell, Judy and Hiram all are awful people but these kids have a lot of good people fighting for them now and I am confident that they will all start to grow and heal – however, there are still some very rocky times ahead for them.
gleefanatic14 – you are not lazy in my eyes because you wrote a review. Rachel is going to start slowly remember what happened and Quinn is slowly realizing what a family is all about. Quinn was punished for her dodgeball incident. Plus Quinn and Santana are actually punished for a while. They just keep adding to it. Thank you for loving my story.
Gleek1990 – We will learn more about young Judy and why she is the why she is – but it is still very unacceptable. Unfortunately these kids are going to go through some more rough times before getting better but they are going to get better trust me they will. Thank you for such kind words about my writing, I am truly honored.
dreamchaser888 – Thank you so much for your review. I love my little family as well. Bear is a great role model for Puck and will help him tremendously as the story moves forward. They are all lucky to have Bear and Joey in their lives. Shelby is a very strong woman but even the strongest of people need support.
threeltlbirds – Thank you so much for your review! There is a lot more building so hold on.
Renata – Thank you so much for your review! It made me smile. And you review every chapter which I love. I am glad you agree with the way I am writing Rachel. No need to apologize for any grammatical reviews. I am grateful for your reviews and I love them. Hugs from America!
Shauna – Be lazy all you want – I don't consider it lazy because you reviewed! It is not wrong to want to hurt Hiram – I would think it quite the opposite. This whole family needs hugs and the girls really really need lots of hugs. Shelby will teach Santana the right way to feel. And you will hear more about Quinn and Finn in the next couple of chapters. Thank you
SuzQQ – Wow what a review ! Your wish is my command with Noah and Rachel and they weren't so much fighting as it was more like a disagreement. But don't worry they have their talk. It will be a long long time before Judy gets unsupervised visits with Quinn let alone custody back – and Russell will never get her. Everyone is going to go back to regular therapy with trained therapists that handle these types of trauma so that will help the family. Puck's decision on school wont be made anytime soon but he will have advice from his uncle and possibly some other strong men in his life. Rachel's schooling is still up in the air but Shelby will do what is best for her I promise you. You will hear more about Leroy in this chapter and what he brought to his family that he loved. As the kids get older they will want to remember Leroy more and hopefully the memories won't be too painful. I am so blessed that you review all the time and I can't thank you enough.
Fangirl44 – It is sad that she has to remember but for her to heal she has to do it. Thanks for the review.
Cookie – Thank you so much for reviewing. It is sad but they will eventually get better – just hold on because it is still very rocky.
NayaFan – Well hold on because the next couple of chapters are really emotional and lots are going to come out. Their stories have not fully unfolded yet and trust me you will hate the fictional characters some more. So grab the box of tissues for the next couple of chapters. But as bad as things get – the healing will come I promise but not for a while so I hope you will stay along for the ride. Thank you for your kind words. Again they mean so much coming from a fellow writer.
FacingFuture – Thank you for your review – unfortunately there are despicable people in this world but thankfully this is just a story.
TommyH – Thanks
btvscharmedgirl – Thank you I hope to keep explaining it.
TheTBone – I am not going to tell you if you are the 500th reviewer I am just extremely impressed by your reviews all the time. You also seem to pick out the pieces that I have written that were favorites of mine too. We will learn more about Judy's past but to be honest I don't think it will redeem her character in any way. You make me smile when I see that you have taken the time to review and then length of your reviews amaze me. So thank you so much ! Keep them coming.
val-cb – there are more intense chapters coming so hold on. Thanks again!
Tcathing – Brittana is going to come I promise but Santana has to sort out some of her feelings that are going on right now in her head before she can accept Brittany's love. She has to start loving herself first. Joey will be around a lot because Quinn needs to know everyone is in corner. Thank you again for your review.
marinka4 – Noah and Rachel will talk it out in this chapter. There is too much love between these two to have a little disagreement keep these two apart. Thanks for reviewing.
OTHangels – Bear is not going away anytime soon so Puck will get lots of man to man. The next couple of chapters are really emotional. Thank you for the review.
WittyNinja – I am sorry you have so many questions about the last couple of chapters and I hope to answer them in this chapter and the upcoming chapters. I have actually been thinking of a sequel but first there are many many more chapters before there is any sequel. Thank you for the review and please if you have any more questions, they are always welcome!
amandaes417 – Thank you for screaming but don't get yourself in trouble. Rachel is strong and she will have to stay strong while she continues to remember what happened to her. But she will have help but she will have to remember. Here is the next installment – I hope you enjoy – and reviews are always welcome.
NinjaGleek21 – the orders may be coming soon for the lighter. Real soon. But I will let you know. There is always hope! Thank you for reviewing as always.
pcall006 – I am glad I didn't offend you and I put the warnings in the beginning because they are intense and emotional. I feel honored from words regarding my writing. Thank you so much.
broadwaybound2016 – Thank you so much for the review. I hope you like this chapter – sorry for the delay in this chapter – I was sick and my body told me to get into bed.
HIsland429 – You will have to wait and see. Thank you for your review and hopefully some of your questions will be answered in the next couple of chapters.
A/N: I know it might be hard to believe but these next few chapters will be a whirl-wind. this is one of the big story arcs that I've been planning. I've been building up to this for awhile... well, technically it's a few things... It's a big punch in the gut. I've already written the "explosion" for next chapter. Basically the point of this author's note is to prepare you. EVery scene I write serves at minumum one purpose and lately most scenes have served many. I've been dropping bread crumbs and in these upcoming chapters your close reading will be rewarded .
Also, sorry for the delay in the update. I was hit with sickness this week that confined me to my bed. I tried to write but my body wanted sleep. Blame my body and the sick child I had to hold. okay sorry, this chapter is a bit shorter than others. As always it was meant to be longer, but something is better than nothing right? Please let me know what you think.
Shelby opened her eyes when she felt a foot jam into her shin. Fudge-muffins, Shelby groaned internally to the early morning haze that shown into her daughter's bedroom. She turned to her right and Rachel was curled around George and her head was tucked in the crock of Shelby's arm. Shelby looked down. She shook her head with a silent scoff and her little foot lay newly ricocheted off of Shelby's ankle. Shelby turned and looked over Rachel at Santana who was laying ungracefully with her arm wrapped around Rachel while she rested her head on the other. Shelby was about to roll over and go back to sleep when Rachel shifted and her elbow knocked her in the ribs.
She sat up and brought the comforter up around the girls and slowly left the room. She walked down the hallway with quiet feet and stopped in her son's room. He was laying similarly to Santana, with an absence of grace and exactly how he laid as a child: sprawled out. She closed the door and made her way to Quinn's room. Her heart skipped when she saw the bed was empty; it always did. It was out of habit,but she should know that Quinn was safe in her blanket nest.
She gave a sigh and walked down the hallway toward the backstairs. CoffeeCoffeeCoffee, she repeated the mantra in her head.
"Hi!" the loudest voice in the world boomed.
She hated that her sister was a morning person. She glared at Joanne; actually she was just a 24-hour person. She never slept; Shelby was still convinced that she was the energizer bunny. She had to be because she was perky all of the time. Well, Shelby rethought in her exhausted haze, not 'perky' as much as always going. she always had the energy of a small child on Christmas morning, whether it be while she's on a vendetta against "the Man" or making sure that she got the last M&M cookie at May's Cookie Haven downtown. She was tenacious, but she was also obnoxious, Shelby concluded.
"Coffee. Coffee. Coffee," she repeated the mantra as found her beloved coffee pot and fresh ground coffee.
"Shel-"
Shelby put her hand up. "No speaking until this coffee is brewed in a mug and in my hand."
"Shelby," Joey said.
"Shhhh," Shelby hissed.
Ten minutes later and five more scoldings from Shelby, the woman was content with her beloved coffee was brewed and in her hand in her favorite mug.
"Okay what?" Shelby asked. "What couldn't wait until the damn sun came up?"
"Guys, shut up," Bear called from the study. "Can you not fight until at least I'm not trying to sleep in the here?"
"Close the door," they both called out to him.
"I need to talk to you about,Quinn," Joey began quietly.
Shelby took a breath and almost rolled her eyes. "I knew this was coming."
Joanne frowned. "Knew what?"
"Nothing," Shelby muttered.
"No, spit it out, smartass," Joey hissed. Shelby felt like a child again with her big sister pinning her to the ground commanding that she say, "uncle" before she could receive her doll back.
Shelby sighed and took a sip of her coffee before answering. "You are bias about Quinn because of what you had with Judy."
Joey steeled her jaw. "I'm not bias. I'm a lawyer for Christ sake's."
"And bias therefore by nature about which side you are arguing for," Shelby argued. "Listen. I expected it." She sighed at her older sister's look. "And I know so did you once you found out who we were taking in."
"Does Mom know about Quinn?" Joey asked.
"Of course," Shelby replied taking another sip of her coffee.
Joey hesitated and then finally asked. "Does she know that it's Judy's kid?"
The question hung in the air slightly.
"Yes," Shelby finally answered. "She's very eager to meet her."
"I'm sure she is," Joey replied. "She loved Judy."
"Loved. Past tense," Shelby replied. "You and Mom had a weird infatuation with Judy Garner. You believed in her too much. She's not that girl. That woman is Judy Fabray." Shelby looked toward the door that headed back to the stairs. "You should know you have been playing like children in the community forever. Do not look for Judy in Quinn. Do. Not."
Joanne looked at her younger sister with a frown. "Shelby that's not what I was going to say," she said carefully.
Shelby shook her head. "Sure. It wasn't." She sighed. "It's not like some Lifetime movie where there's going to be a happy ending and Judy is going to emerge from her fog of selfish-crazy. She's not just some lost soul, Jo."
Joanne looked at her with her hands on her hips. "I know. This whole situation has made me see that."
"I know that it's what you're thinking. You always hope too much in people."
"Now that's the pot calling the kettle black," Joanne said with a laugh.
"Now let's get down to business." She took a sip of her coffee. "So where was she?" Shelby asked and grinned as Joey looked at her in surprise. "I know you know," she said. "I have ears like a hawk. I heard you two coming back last night."
She hesitated but finally spoke. "She was at the park... You know..." Joey said. "And you know what? She was fine. And we talked and..." Shelby looked at her with a cocked eyebrow. Her sister was ranting. "You can't punish her."
"I'm sorry?" Shelby said with a frown. "You don't really have a say, Jo."
"She's been through too much," Joey said almost ignoring her younger sister.
"Don't pull that sympathy pity shit, Jo," Shelby said returning to her task at the sink. "I can't let her get away with things. She can't up and leave the house in the middle of the night." Joey saw her look and started to say something. "Don't even try that lie you were going to tell me about how it was your idea to get ice cream or something and Quinn just happened to tag along."
"No, Shelby. She needed space. And I know you. You are "giving her space" but she's Judy's kid. Space for her is... the moon isn't far enough."
"You're ranting. And I'm her parent and you are not who you were in high school. I'm not. Judy definitely is not. So you need to let go of that illusion."
Joanne took a breath. "I know that. I mean no one is ever the same person. Everyone grows and all that crap. But... You can't ground her because I already know that she's grounded until next year for sure and...Well, you and I both know that Mom is going to punish the kids when you all get to Florida with all of her crazy chores and bologna." She looked at her younger sister. "I'm putting my foot down, Shel. It's not happening. Today, she's stressed because of all of the billion reasons she should be stressed. What happened with Noah is triggering things in her. And to add a cherry on top of her super terrible cake, she's seeing her mother today for the first time. Past or none, that wont easy for her."
Shelby stared at her, search for a reason for her to be wrong. "Fine. but when I tell her -"
"You're not," Joey said casually. Her sister glared at her. "You're not because she needs to think that she has something because we all know you're winning."
"It's not about 'winning,' Joey," Shelby said with a frown. "Parenting isn't about keeping score."
"Yes it is," Joanne interjected. "That's how Quinn sees it. She needs a win." She looked at her sister with directness and hope. "Come, give 'er a win."
Shelby took a breath and shook her head. She looked at her sister with the same frown that she gave her when she threw her favorite cassette tape out the window on the trip back from Columbus.
"Fine," she said drying her hands. "Quinn's not Judy. Not even close."
Shelby started out of the room.
"I know that," Joey said in almost a dry tone. "I've known that for awhile, but I realized it for real when I talked with Quinn." Shelby looked at her with narrowed eyes. "Quinn told me a few things you should know."
…...
She was in the dark again. She had her knees pulled up to her chest. "Don't make a noise, bug," Noah had told her. She wouldn't. She would be quiet. She could hear Santana crying on the other side of the door. She put her hands to her ears and began to cry. The door flung open. She shook as the big-booted man reached out and grabbed the front of her nightshirt and dragged her out.
"Rachel!" he screamed as he shook her. He was still gripping so tightly onto her baggy nightshirt that her chest was exposed. "What the hell do you think you're doing in there?" he screamed inches from her face. He shook her and she felt herself give a shirl cry. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"
Her eyes popped open and she felt like she had been falling and her body landed with a jolt. She was breathing heavily. Was she going to have a bad dream every time she slept?
"Shhhh," Santana said quietly.
Rachel turned and her sister was laying next to her like she used to. She felt herself relax. Santana was always there. Always.
"We should get up," Rachel murmured rolling on her side and looking at her sister.
Santana huffed and her eyes remained closed. "Rachel, it's the crack of dawn. Go back to sleep."
"San," she said with a small huff and a smile. "It's almost nine thirty. There's stuff to do." She trailed off as she remembered the details of the last two days and particularly why her sister was sleeping in her bed. She looked around; she was almost positive her mother had been there too. She reached out and grabbed George who was tucked behind a pillow.
Santana didn't move or open her eyes. "Like I said, bug, crack of dawn," she said.
Rachel sighed with a frown. Events from the last few days flooded back and she remembered that she should be mad. With a thoughtful frown she crawled slowly out of bed.
"Rach?"
She turned and looked at her sister, who was now sitting up slightly and looking at her. "I'm sorry."
"I'm the one who yelled at you," Rachel said quietly. Santana sat up and looked at Rachel intently. The younger girl shook her head slightly and she realized. "Oh...That's not what you meant," she realized out loud. "I'm fine."
She watched as her older sister played intently with her finger tips with a deep set frown. "I didn't mean to leave you," Santana whispered.
Rachel wasn't sure what she said at first. She couldn't quite hear it. she scooted back onto the bed and knelt back on her heels. "Why would you say that?" There was a brokenness in her voice. "I never thought that and you never did." Santana remained silent. "What aren't you telling me?"
Santana gave a deep breath and forced her tears back. She waited to look up until her eyes were dry before she put on a small smile. "Nothing, Rach," she said quietly. She looked at her eleven year old sister. She wasn't a brave person; she couldn't tell the little girl that in an effort to save herself she destroyed her; she couldn't tell her that Rachel had nightmares because of her. She wasn't brave enough to say that and she knew that because she was barely brave enough to feel it.
She looked at her with sad eyes. "You're never honest with me because you're afraid it would hurt my feelings."
Santana couldn't respond; she could only look back at her in silence. She couldn't shake her head or find it in her to tell Rachel she was wrong and to lie to her like she usually did about the hard stuff. Instead, all she could was sit here and look at her as she sat there with her mess hair and her nightgown. And all Santana could see an even younger Rachel in those big brown eyes, hoping for someone to save her.
"Nevermind, San," she mumbled.
"Rachel," she called after her weakly. "Rachel, please don't be mad."
The girl turned and looked at her with a tearful smile. "I'm not," she said quietly. "I'm just..." She swung George in her arms slightly. "I'm just... full."
She turned and headed out of the room. Even though she may look like a child, even though she slept with her sister and her mother, she wasn't a child. Their pasts had tainted that too deeply. It was too scaring. It was too much had happened. Rachel left the room wondering if the only relationship she was going to have with her sister was the same one she had when she was two years old. Would they be stuck forever in that time?
Once in the hallway, she paused when she heard a door open. She watched as her older brother saunter out of his room tiredly. His eyes were barely open. He paused when he saw Rachel standing there. He gave her a small smile.
"Thanks for the cake, Bug," he said quietly.
She looked at him and then looked down at her hands. She couldn't move from one sibling to the other treating like that. It was just too much. She looked down at George and fiddled with the edge of her nightgown.
"You're welcome," she mumbled. "I'm sorry your birthday wasnt what you expected," she said after a few moments.
"It's fine," he said.
She looked up at her big brother. He was so tall. "I got you something," she said quietly. She shrugged one of her shoulders. "But I …. It's not ready yet."
He chuckled. "You didn't have to."
She gave him a small smile. "I wanted to."
He knelt slightly. "I'm sorry, bug." She looked at him. "You have every right to be angry with me."
She looked up at him with a frown. "I'm not mad at you."
"What?" he asked.
She rolled her eyes. "I mean I was when you told but then... I wasn't. It's about how I reacted."
"Rachel," he began. "You did nothing wrong."
"I do things wrong all of the time," she said quietly. "You guys just wont see it."
"Can we talk please?" He saw that she was looking at him with a deep set frown. "Come on, please? I was rude to you. And I scared you. That's me not you."
Rachel frowned. "I told you I'm not mad you don't need to apologize," she said.
"Fine," she said quietly.
"Wait a sec, okay," he said as he shifted and adjusted his sweatpants and himself.
"You're so gross," she said with a sigh. He rolled her eyes. He had once told her that he didn't talk to them about boobs so they couldn't judge him as he adjusted himself.
"Whatever," he laughed. "I have to pee and then we'll talk. Meet me in my room?"
"Your room smells like feet," she said scrunching her nose.
He stopped on his way to the restroom and laughed. "We had to clean yesterday." He sighed. "It's so clean in there you won't even know what to do with yourself."
Rachel sighed and went to her brother's room.
…...
Quinn rolled over and stared at the ceiling. Everyday seemed longer than the next. Normally she wanted most days to end so that the next one could begin. However, she hoped primarily because she wanted to be further away from where she had been, further away from him. But not today. Today was different. Today she was seeing her mother. She gave a heavy sigh. It was the last thing that she wanted to do. Her mother certainly wasn't Mother Teresa. She wasn't even close to the ground that Mother Teresa may have spit on. She frowned. Mother Teresa probably didn't spit. She had heard things about who her mother had been and who the community thought she was. However, Quinn knew the woman. She knew the woman she knew and that woman was angry and pathetic. What hurt the most is that person that she hated and that person who she looked down upon was supposed to be her mother. She was supposed to be the person that helped her when she was upset; the one that reassured her; the one she was supposed to want to be. Judy Fabray was none of those things. Quinn didn't care. She couldn't.
A heavy sigh interrupted her thoughts. She looked up and could see Santana was staring at herself in the mirror through the bathroom door that was left ajar.
"No matter what you do, you'll still look like that," Quinn called out
"Shut it," Santana scolded. "Enjoy this new family life. Grounded and all?" she asked with a roll of her eyes as she came into Quinn's room.
"I'm not grounded," Quinn said.
Santana scoffed. "You're kidding right?" Quinn continued to look at her with an amused frown. "Well, I'm sorry to disappoint Barbie, but in this house groundings can go on forever. The minute you think she's forgotten she has a lovely way of reminding you." Quinn scoffed and shook her head. "You laugh, Q, but my mom is nuts."
"Have you met my mother?" Quinn said with a shake of her head.
"Maybe not that nuts," Santana said. "But..."
"Close," Shelby said suddenly from the door. "I'm glad to see the two of you are up. I haven't given you your assignments yet. "
Santana groaned. "Please, sweet baby jesus, no," she mumbled into her hands that now covered her face.
Quinn frowned and looked at Santana and then back at Shelby. "What assignment?"
"5,000 words by Monday at 7pm," Shelby said simply.
The blonde gawked. "You're joking."
"Do I look like I'm joking?" Shelby asked with her hands on her hips. Shelby looked at Santana. "Santana, 5,000 words on the meaning of sex."
Santana's head snapped up. "What?" she looked almost wounded. She looked embarrassingly at Quinn, who also felt like a deer in the headlights. "Mom."
"You can start it after breakfast if you want," Shelby said. "Go wash your face and brush your hair. I want to talk to you in your room afterward. I'll be in in a few minutes."
Quinn watched as Santana left. She couldn't help but see the confusion and exhaustion in the girl's frown.
Once the water was running in the bathroom, Shelby turned to her. "Quinn," she began.
"I dont want to write anything," Quinn said quickly.
"Well, too bad that's the rule. You might find it cathartic. You'd be surprised to see how many essays the kids have written. Mostly San and Noah, but the prize few by Rachel have been interesting. I have to say her essay 'Drivers of Horse-Drawn Carriages Are Not Evil, But They Are Working for the Devil' was my all time favorite of Rachel's." Quinn continued to stare at her with trepidation. "These are meant to be not just punishment but you're to get something from it. Even if that something is just an outlet for your frustration."
"Punishment?" Quinn laughed shaking your head. She looked at her hands and mumbled, "You know nothing about punishment."
"Quinn." The blonde looked up with a glare, daring Shelby to counter her and give her a lecture. However, Shelby continued. "You see your mother today."
Close enough to a lecture, Quinn scoffed internally. "Don't remind me," she said standing up.
"Did Jackie explain to you the details of this visit?"
Quinn looked away with a shake of her head. "Probably but I dont remember. Mostly because I wasn't listening."
Shelby nodded. "Well, you wont be alone with her. She can't talk to you about your father or the case in any way." The girl just continued to nod and stare at her hands. "She can't threaten you. She can't hit you. Jackie will be there the whole time." The mother gave a slight nod watching Quinn's body language. "You can just have fun."
"I'm pretty sure that my mother and I have never had 'fun,' Quinn said with a frown.
"Well, this is a perfect time to try."
Shelby continued to watch her. She knew she shouldn't say this. She knew it was wrong. She knew she shouldn't tell Quinn this and that she should wait for Jackie to tell her. However, Joey was right. She needed power. Shelby knew the system; she worked in it. Normally teenage clients didn't get this information unless something came up. Unless there was a reason for it be told. However, Shelby argued with herself, Quinn needed this piece of information. She needed to know, even though Shelby knew that it would not help Judy get her daughter back. Shelby thought again, Let's be honest, she told herself. Judy didn't have a prayer. It didn't matter that Shelby was going to tell Quinn this.
"You know, Quinn," Shelby said. Quinn looked up at her. "You have the power to cancel any visit that you have with your mother."
The blonde looked with her with wide eyes. "What?"
"Yup," Shelby said. "Children over the age of twelve can chose not to go." The blonde girl looked up with big eyes. "I'm serious. That doesn't mean you should cancel frequently, but you always have the choice."
"Seriously?" Quinn asked with a frown. Shelby nodded. "So if I don't want to go today if I don't have to."
Shelby nodded. "Sweetheart, this whole situation is about you and what's best for you." She emphasized each word carefully. "A lot has happened and if you don't want to see your mother. You don't have to."
"She'll be mad," Quinn said shaking her head.
Shelby looked at her softly. "That's the thing, Quinn," she said gently. "The change starts here. You shouldnt be doing anything because you're scared that you're mother will be angry or punish you." She watched the girl's eyes flicker up. You're not supposed to earn your mother's trust back. She's supposed to earn yours and earn the right to be your mother again."
Quinn laughed and shook her head. "She's not going to change."
"that might be true," Shelby said quietly. "But how will you ever know if you dont give her a chance." Quinn watched her.
"So what's my assignment?"
Shelby nodded. "I want 5,000 words about where you see yourself in five years."
"Could you be anymore cliche?" Quinn scoffed. "Plus isn't this a punishment?"
"You're right," Shelby said straightening. "But it's also supposed be a gate way to express yourself. Now I could ask you to write an essay about your relationship with your family." She saw Quinn's eyes widen. "But I wont," she continued. So how does the topic sound now?"
"Fine," Quin said. "It's sounds just fine."
"Alright, go down stairs breakfast is ready," Shelby said standing up. The girl started out of the room. "Wait," Shelby said. The girl stopped, sighing in defeat because she was so close to escaping. "I've noticed you dont eat a lot."
"I'm not a big eater," Quinn said quickly.
"Well, I simply want you to know that I've noticed. And, I'll continue to watch. You need to eat more, Quinn," Shelby said. Quinn rolled her eyes. "Do you want to go downstairs and try or do you want to continue to discuss this more?"
The blonde frowned. "Fine. Can I go?"
Shelby nodded and watched the girl practically bolt from the room. She bit her bottom lip. Please, Judy she begged internally, be on your best behavior. Your daughter needs you. She sighed hoping her foreboding feeling wasn't right.
She turned to the bathroom and saw Santana in her room sitting on her bed with her arms folded.
She sighed and walked across the hallway. "We need to talk."
"I would really rather not," Santana whispered. However, she didn't have the venom in her.
Shelby watched her daughter carefully and took a seat next to her. "I'm grateful that you and Quinn are getting along better."
"Whatever," Santana muttered.
"But," Shelby said, causing the girl to look up slowly. "You dont need to put on the same face for her as you do for Rachel. And you shouldn't for Rachel either."
"I didn't put on a face for Quinn," Santana said with a frown.
"Yeah, you did," Shelby said gently. "You put on your Taz Face."
"I dont have that face anymore."
Shelby chuckled. "As your mother, I can can definitely say that you do."
Santana sighed and looked away from her mother. Maybe it had been a face. However, she hadn't put it on intentionally rather than she just suffacated her emotions into a pause to deal with something else. She squeezed her eyes shut. Completely different, she told herself.
"IThat's different," she whispered. She felt tears fill her eyes. Something that she had purposefully tried to forget was rushing into her present.
Santana held onto her father's hand as they walked out of the recording studio. He had to just listen to a set with his coworker. Santana had waited as patiently as possible. Well, she frowned as patiently as an eight year old could. However, Noah was the ansty one and Rachel well, while adorable in her toddler state was loud. Santana, she smiled with a little shake of her head. SHe knew her dimples were showing. She scrunched up her nose and gave another firm nod. She was the best Corcoran. Of course.
Her father had been feeling slight tired. She gripped onto his hand tighter.
"Thanks for waiting, Sanny," Leroy said with a grin. "You're my best oldest daughter."
Santana rolled her eyes. "I'm your only oldest daughter."
They headed toward the elevator. He was walking slower than usual. Normally, Santana was trying to catch up with him. Today, she was practically pulling him. When they walked to the studio two hours earlier, he was acting funny. He had even asked her to hold his other hand because he said that his left was falling asleep. They stood at the elevator waiting. She was thankful because her father had told his partner he had to go because he felt the flu was coming.
"I'm sorry, Jim," Leroy laughed. "I'm just feeling really run down today. Let me pick up my other kids and i'll be back. Also I need to grab some Advil. You gave me a headache buddy!"
Now they stood at the elevator. Santana frowned at her father as they hand not holding onto hers rubbed his eyes tiredly. Her dad was always high energy. Seeing him sick was like seeing another person.
"I can make you soup, Daddy," she said with a smile. She shrugged. "I'll even change Rachel's diaper. She tugged on her father's arm so that he looked at her. "But only if it's pee. Noah can change it if she poos. Daddy, she should really be potty trained."
"She's... She's …. uh," he stumbled on his words. The elevator dinged. "Wor-kin... She's trying."
He had a funny look on his face.
"Are you alright, Daddy?"
Leroy took a breath and shook his head trying to shake off the feelings. "I'm fine, Taz." He sighed and got onto the elevator. "You're a good kid. You dont have to suck up to me." He sighed leaning against the side of the elevator. He took a deep breath.
"I'm not sucking up," Santana said with a smile as she pushed the button. The fancy studio was on the 45th floor. It was a long ride down; it was always her favorite part. He gave her a weak smile. "Fine. Maybe a little. But I promise you, for reals, I'll always look after them. Rachel, of course, but Noah only sneakily. He doesn't think he needs looking after but he does."
Leroy gave a weak chuckle. He was breathing heavily like he did after a run. "Are okay, Daddy? You look like you did that time when me and Noah had the flu and we both threw up on you. Are you going to throw up?" Leroy didn't respond. "Dad?"
He fell to the ground. Her eyes grew wide. She hadn't even realized that he needed help standing up. She would have helped him.
"Dad! Daddy?" she screamed falling to him. They were only at the 39th floor.
Santana hated her eight year old self for so many reasons. However, the biggest one was because an eight year old in a moment of panic, shock, and horror, wouldn't realize that she could have pressed the 37th Floor button instead of riding all the way down to the lobby. A smarter person would have known that. She should have known that.
She remembered how he took her hand at the thirtih floor and looked at her, but he couldnt respond. And she remembered how by the fifth floor there was barely any grip back and he was no longer looking at her. His eyes had closed. She remembered chasing after him to the ambulance and being carried by a police officer, away from him. She remembered screaming the dumbest thing. She hated that she screamed this. She had said, "I'll change all the diapers! I promise! I promise I'll look after them! Please just come back!"
He never did. And she had failed.
She looked up at her mother with sad eyes.
"San?"
"I'm sorry," she whispered as she looked down at her hands. "I'm sorry I said those things to you. I …. I didn't mean them."
"San," Shelby began.
"No," Santana replied shaking her head. "I made a promise. And I broke it. I promised him that I would look after them and..." The girl stood up and put her head in her hands. "She remembers, Mom. I heard her."
"Santana," Shelby tried.
The teenager tried and failed to shake back her tears. "I heard her. I heard her just now tell you. I heard it happen then. I heard all of it." She let her legs crumble beneath her. "I hear the rumors around town about …. about Russell Fabray. I …. I hear... Quinn cry at night. I hear all of it. I hear Rachel when she wakes up scared. I … I …. "
Shelby pulled Santana to her and just let her cry. The police told her that when Leroy was taken away from Santana that she screamed after them and promised to take care of her siblings. The burdens that Santana bore were never more obvious to Shelby in that moment.
After what seemed like a lifetime, Santana stopped crying. She calmed and stayed for a moment in her mother's arms, willing her problems away in that moment.
"Santana," Shelby whispered. "I love you very much." The girl smiled against her mother's arm. "I will always love you. No matter what you do. On Monday at the clinic, I need you to be honest with the doctor. And I would really like it if you tell me."
Santana pushed herself up and looked at her mother. Exhaustion radiated from her eyes. "I can't, Mom."
"Santana, this topic won't be dropped, but I want you to tell me because I need you safe. And I need you to know that you telling me doesn't make me love you any less. You think of that number and you think shame. That's why you don't want to tell me. And shame is okay to feel, but not from me. I'm not ashamed of you." She cupped the girl's face. "Not now. Not ever. I am your mother and I will love you forever. And there's nothing you can do about that."
Santana trembled as she released a breath. She looked at her mother. She bit her lip and looked at her hands. "Okay," she said quietly.
When the number came off her lips, Shelby tried her best not to tear up, but she couldn't help it. She pulled Santana to her and rocked her gently. "I still love you, sweetheart. Thank you for telling me." She thought about the number in her mind as she held Santana. A question flashed. "Did they ever force you?"
"No," Santana said quickly. "No."
Shelby pulled her to her again. "You're so much more than the person you think you are," she whispered. "You deserve to be loved by someone with as rebellious of spirit and a kindness of heart as you."
Santana felt tears sting her eyes. She didn't know what love was. She didn't want to feel it. The fullness of her heart scared her. The possibility of love scared her; Brittany scared her. She was just too full. Her mind was racing as she lay there in her mother's arms.
"I want you to think about something, San," Shelby said. "I want you to do this for me." Santana pushed herself up and looked at her mother. Shelby continued. "I want you to think about the choices that you make today and as you think about them and as you're about to make them, I want you to think about me and Rachel." Santana froze. "I want you to remember that I love you and that you're more than this. But most of all I want you to think, when Rachel is sixteen, do you want her to make these same choices?"
"Mom, that's completely different," Santana said quickly. "Rachel will never go to parties or kiss boys or do anything with anyone!"
Shelby nodded slowly. "She will. Someday she will and do you want this for her?" The mother saw the confusion and the panic set on Santana's face. "What you're feeling at this moment, is fraction of what I feel for you all the time. For all of you. Rachel is your sister and you are my daughter. My panic, worry and concern is at minimum one hundred fold what you're feeling." She took her daughter's hand. "You might hate yourself and think that you dont deserve good things, but you do. You are incredible," Shelby said slowly. "Everything that you think Rachel deserves at sixteen so do you."
Santana leaned back. Now not only was her heart full but her head was combusting. Leave it to her mother to permanently curse her to think about Rachel during sex, if she was ever going to have sex again... She thought about it more. Rachel at sixteen seemed like a horrifying idea.
"Okay," she whispered.
….
"Your room does look rather nice," Rachel said once her brother returned.
"Thanks, bug," he smiled. He sat down next to her. ˚So I'm sorry, okay? About...scaring you and getting mad."
Rachel gave a nod. "It's alright. You had every right to be mad at me." She picked at her hands. "I think part of me wishes that you were mad at me more."
"What?" he asked confused. "You and San don't yell at me, but you should. I should be …."
Noah watched Rachel carefully. "No," he said quietly. "You do know that you shouldn't be yelled at for something just to make it matter."
"You yell at people you care about," Rachel said quietly.
He frowned. "Where did you hear that?"
"A play, I think," Rachel said. Noah nodded, baffled. "I just want to be normal and normal people yell," she whispered. "I know that sounds dumb and childish and even naive, but ….. Haven't you just wanted to be like everyone else?"
Noah frowned. "I guess so, but … not really." He sighed and looked at her quietly. "Rachel, I'm sorry. I was mad."
"I was never mad at you," Rachel said again. "I'm not. I ….. can't be. I know you were just trying to protect me by never yelling but... I dont want you treat me different."
The boy frowned. "Wait? And if I yell then that means you're normal?" He sighed. "I know fights for us aren't normal."
"You're all afraid I'll remember if you do things... but... Maybe." The gilr muddled over the words. "Maybe I'm meant to remember?"
He watched her carefully. "I'm …. I dont want to be the one that scares you, Rach. I reminded you of him and that kills me."
She shook her head. "Little sisters are supposed to annoy their brothers. It's a law. I'm not supposed to get scared of you because you knocked over a chair." She looked up at him. "Those things shouldn't scare me."
He gave her a soft smile. "But they do, Rach." He met her eyes gently as he pulled her gaze to his by tilting her head up. "And that's okay. That doesn't make you any less normal." He sat up and looked at her. "We do act different about you. That's true." Rachel looked up at him with wide eyes; she was surprised at his honesty. "And in all honesty, Rach, that might not change. I promise to try to stop babying you. I promise that. However, you'll always be my bug. And I'll always feel like crap if I make you cry or scared."
"I'm going to grow up someday, Noah," Rachel said with determined eyes. "And I need people to see me as Rachel and not the baby. I just want people to see me as me. Does that make sense?"
He nodded. "I'll always see you, Rach." He sighed. He needed to give her an inch. "You're not a baby. I promise I'll try to give you more credit." She grinned. "But." She paused. "You'll always be bug to me."
She released a sigh and rolled her eyes. "Fine," she said. She stood up and grabbed his old jersey. "I'm going to wear this okay?"
He arched his brow. "Rach, that's like a million years old."
She laughed. "It fits me better than you," she said as she started out of the room with it.
"Whatever," he said. "Take it."
She stopped mid step and turned to him. "Remember when we used to play hide and seek?"
He nodded. "Yeah. You were always the worst to find. You squeezed into small spaces and fell asleep."
She bit her lip thoughtfully and walked toward him. "I had …. I remembered that..." she thought more deeply. "Thanks for hiding me, Noah."
He looked at her. There was a huge pressure in his chest and he was sure there was a piece of sand or a twig or something in his eye.
"Well, see yeah," she started out of the room. Her hands shot up. "Wait! I forgot!"
He frowned and watched her sprint out of the room with his old jersey. Just as he finished wiping his eyes she was back and she had changed out of her nightgown and into a pair of spandex and his jersey. Man, that girl was fast.
"I have your present." He frowned. "For your birthday, peabrain."
She handed him a small box and he laughed. Rachel always gave him the best gifts. They may have always been the most ridiculous but they had always been the best. One year she gave him a crayon sculpture. Legitimately, she had dumped all 500 Crayola crayons out on the dining room table and hot glued them together. Granted, being the 'smart' and 'creative' eight year old that she was, to protect her hands she used their mothers $50 gloves. The sculpture, Rachel explained was meant to be a trophy, because that year Noah lost a big game. He couldnt remember in what sport. However, he had a crayon trophy to prove that he won something that year. Noah smiled at his now eleven year old sister, wondering what she would give him.
"Open it," she said proudly.
He laughed and opened it. He smile faded slightly. In the little box was a guitar pick. He hadn't seen that in years.
"I found it," she said. "I know it used to be his, but... I thought well... You're eighteen and you're therefore legallllllllly, a grown up. Maybe you should have it."
He looked at it carefully. "Where did you find it?" He knew that most of their father's things were either out on display or in storage.
Rachel shrugged. "I have to have my secrets." She laughed. "I just...I dont remember much about him, but I know he played and you played...And I realized well... I didn't play." She grinned. "So, I thought you should have it." She bit her lip looking carefully in his eyes waiting for him to say something. He was still staring at the pick. "Fine," she sighed. "I'll tell you."
He put up his hand. "No," he said gently. "You're right. Every girl needs her secrets." He touched her nose. "Especially you. This is the best gift ever, Rach. Thank you."
She shrugged bashfully. "You're welcome." She tried to break her brother from his trance. "What did everyone else give you?"
"Nothing as good as this."
…...
Quinn mandered down the stairs and into the kitchen. What was that smell? Oh sweet mother of all that is holy, she thought. Someone found their sanity and made bacon. She turned the corner and frowned.
"What are you doing here?" she frowned. Bear was at the stove range and Joey was cutting fruit.
"We said last night that we were staying that night," Joey said casually.
"I thought that was a joke," she responded dryly.
"Well, it's not," she said. "Pick your poison. Breakfast buffet. Waffles, pancakes, eggs-"
"Rachel's vegan," Quinn said.
"Well, no one else is,"Joey said. "I'm vegetarian but Bear here is a carnivore. Plus. we made something special for her too. She doesn't eat a lot."
"Why?" Quinn asked as she grabbed a pancake by instinct and a pile of bacon.
"Well, she's vegan and she's growing and she needs her nutrients," Joey said. "Simple. Eat up, Quinn."
The blonde looked at her food and paused. She told Shelby she wasn't a big eater and that was true. However, pancakes and bacon were her weakness. She stopped though after she poured syrup on her plate. She couldn't eat all of this. She hadn't been able to eat a big meal since... Her mind drifted. She stared at the pancakes and bacon. She bit her lip. She liked to eat ….It was just... Her mind raced. She couldn't even form words other than one simple statement: Her father always came to her after dinner. After that time when she was fourteen, she almost always threw up. It wasn't because she didn't like eating. It was simply because she couldn't stomach it, any of it. She continued to stare at her plate.
"Quinn? Are you alright?"
"I think I took too much," she muttered.
"We have plenty here," Bear said casually.
Joey watched the girl. It wasn't about the pancakes. "One bite at a time, Quinn," she said gently. "Eat whatever you want."
Quinn nodded slowly and picked up her fork and slowly began to eat. Why couldn't every problem be solved with pancakes and bacon?
About a half in hour later the whole family was gathered in the kitchen eating. Quinn had managed to eat a pancake and two pieces of bacon. She was trying not to see Joey's face. Quinn distracted herself when she saw Shelby ask Rachel to speak with her in the living room. This may have meant to be subtle. However, it caught almost everyone's attention, even the dog that seemed to putter around the room looking for fallen scraps.
Rachel followed her mother into the other room.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"I was wondering how you want to tell them that you're not in school anymore," Shelby said gently.
"Why do they have to know?" Rachel asked. She looked distressed. "Mom, it's embarassing."
"Rachel, they need to know. And they'll notice when you don't have to be picked up at school." Shelby sighed and took her daughter's hands. "Do you want me to tell them or do you want me to?"
Rachel stuck her bottom lip out and bowed her head. She didn't want this to be a family discussion. It was humiliating. "Do I have to be in there?"
Shelby looked at her daughter in concern. "Yes," she said. "Rachel, this isn't something to be ashamed of."
"Yes, it is," Rachel muttered and she ran back into the kitchen. Shelby followed her and as she entered Quinn was scraping her plate into the trash.
"What's going on?"
"Nothing," Rachel grumbled as she walked toward the backdoor.
"Bug, come here," Noah called out. Rachel sighed and went to him. He pulled her close. "If you want to stop being treated like a baby you can't storm out like one. Tell us what's up?"
Rachel gave a nod and looked at the family. She sighed. "Mom pulled me from school. I'm schoolless."
"Good," Santana scoffed. "That school sucked."
"Rachel, we will find something for you when we all come back from break," Shelby said.
"All of us?" Quinn asked.
"All of us," Joey grinned.
"We're leaving for Florida to visit my parents -"
"Our parents," joey interjected.
"Our parents," Shelby continued. "We leave on Friday."
"You're joking?" Quinn asked in disbelief. She hated her grandparents. She certainly didn't need anymore.
"Nope," Shelby replied. "Not kidding at all."
….
A/N For those of you who don't remember, Leroy died of a stroke. Also, I purposefully didn't say Santana's number. You will never know it because my idea of big and your idea of big is different. No judgement. I wasn't going to put a number for fear of offending or causing any shame in any of my readers. What we do and the choices we make shouldn't be dictated by another. We all make mistakes and no one knows more deeply than us how severe they are. There's not need for other's judgement. Again, sorry for the delay. I had a terrible head cold.
Again, this chapter was meant to be longer but sickness interfered slightly. Please let me know what you think. The next few chapters will be a whirlwind. Please please please review. They really help me. It means so much.