Data Log Entry: 2184 04 24

1700 hours

Dear Alliance Intelligence Officer who is reading this, it has been a while since I last journaled but let's face it: I have a busy life. I can't write every minute of every day; I do have a galaxy to save after all. So without further ado, let's get on with it.

We just left the ever so beautifully pleasant planet of Edolus. It is a medium sized planet, being twice the size of Earth in the Sparta System; and second planet from the sun. Admiral Kahoku requested that we investigate as one of his recon teams, consisting of a small squadron of his Alliance Marines, had gone silent after searching for a distress beacon on the planet.

Edolus is a terrestrial planet with an atmosphere of carbon dioxide and nitrogen. Its surface is covered by wide deserts of silicate sand, with only a few areas of igneous rock highlands to break the abrasive, dust-choked wind. Edolus' orbit is congested with debris thrown inwards by the gravity of the gas giant Ontamalca, Sparta's fourth planet. Due to a high rate of meteor impacts, exploration is highly dangerous.

That is what the report read, so I thought nothing too horrible to deal with right? WRONG! When we landed we were taken by how beautiful the planet truly was. It appeared to have large open green lands crowned by majestic purple mountains. It was hard to tell how strong the winds actually were before Liara informed me, the mako was already all over the place. It couldn't possibly been the winds forcing the assault vehicle to drive like a vorcha on red sand she said.

Anyway, we were able to locate the Alliance Marine's beacon rather quickly as Joker did a superb job of getting us pretty close to it. The transponder could be seen from a good distance away as it stood out in the middle of a large flat crater. Heading straight for it, it didn't take long to get there.

However, no more than 100 clicks from the transmitter, to my absolute great surprise, an incredibly large – no enormous – creature pops out of the ground like a damn viper. Its entire head opened up and hissed at us. I couldn't believe my eyes. This thing must have been about 200 clicks high and there was defiantly more of it under the ground.

After Liara and Tali heard more colorful language than they ever hoped to hear again, the damn thing started spitting at us when I couldn't get that damn mako turned around fast enough. Of course, I didn't show any panic or fear. I only swore up a storm because I couldn't get the mako's controls to do what I wanted them to do. I even had Joker on the comm trying to figure out why the mako wasn't responding properly.

Luckily I had reversed just enough to hide behind the Marine's M29 Assault Vehicle. It was only after Liara had yelled at me, "Our hull integrity is being compromised Commander!" for the third time, I didn't think it couldn't get any worse.

But good to know I was wrong. In the most pleasant and calm tone, yet saturated with great concern, Tail informed me, "Um Shepard. I believe that Thresher Maw's mucus is highly toxic." I stopped what I was doing, or rather trying to do, and stared at her blankly. "It is eating through our shields at an increasing rate."

I didn't mean to be sarcastic, but did she really think I wasn't struggling hard enough before? "I'm trying here dammit!" Was about all I could get out.

Making me feel even more incompetent, my quarian friend then serenely enlightened me, "May I suggest you remove the brake?"

"What?!"

Of course during my panic attack of getting out of there, I had accidently engaged the front brakes. We had been spinning our wheels like fools in front of the gigantic monster before us. Thank goodness, its aim on a moving object wasn't very good. Well I released the brake as fast as I could, and of course forgot to ease off the gas, which made the whole damn truck lunge forward. I tell you what, if looks could kill, Liara's scowl would have fileted me alive. That is one expression I never want to see again.

With all the commotion around me, it was a miracle I could hear anything at all. Joker was yelling at me about the mako suddenly moving again, Tali was informing me about how bad our shield's were, and the assault vehicle's alarms were going crazy. Yet above it all, Liara's voice rang loud and clear.

Her only words were, "Shepard, get us out of here!"

I was rushed, panic stricken and terrified. I didn't know what I was saying, but before my brain could process what my lips were speaking, I shouted back, "I'm working on it sugar butt".

Stunned by what just flown out of my mouth, I returned to the controls, praying the moment had passed. That is until my wonderful pilot quipped, "Um.. Shepard. Did you just call me…sugar butt?"

"No, no. Not you!" I shot back. But it only got worse as he retaliated, "Well I know you didn't call Tali that so…."

"Joker, unless you want a court marshal on your hands, I suggest you drop it and let me drive!" I didn't have the nerve to look at the asari by my side as Joker answered.

"Aye Aye Commander." I could hear him snickering under his breathe, "Normandy out."

Needless to say, I was able to retreat just in time to an area outside the range of the worm creature and repair the shields; twice. Settling down, I attuned myself with the mako before I re-entered the ring of death (the crater surrounding the marine's battle tank). The actual battle is pretty much a blur now. All I could think of was saving my squad from certain death.

After the mission, both Tali and Liara told me that they were impressed by my sudden ability to driving and fire the mako with precision. They said it was if I had unexpectedly become one with the truck; rather than it being a constant battle for control. I guess my basic extinct to survive kicked in, and I shredded that thing to hell.

Every since my stomach returned from the back of my throat, I have been contemplating, that the asari would have no idea what the ancient human slang meant. But every now and then, I get a vision of Tali looking it up on the extranet, just for fun, and telling her exactly what it meant. Good grief, you'd think I would be more upset about almost being eaten alive by my new best friend, a Thresher Maw.

You know you'd think that the Alliance would think it was particularly important to add pertinent information in their reports, like: WARNING A 60 METER SUBTERRANEAN CARNIVORE IS GOING TO EAT YOU ON THIS PLANET. PLEASE BE ADVISED AND USE CAUTION WHEN EXPLORING THE PLANET'S SERVICE! Is that really too hard to ask for? A little warning?

Commander Shepard of the 3rd Galactic Fleet Out -

P.S. My mom telecommed me a couple of days ago and wished me a Happy Earth Day. At first, I thought it was a little silly especially since we both spend so much time in space. But she reminded me, that it is our home away from home; even if we don't visit much. I guess she's right. I mean I couldn't imagine not having Earth to go back to whenever I wanted.