Chapter Seventy Seven

He was named after Randy's brother, who had given his life in an attempt to save Daryl's mother years before. And Merle, of course. Michael Merle Dixon was in the NICU for two weeks before he was able to come home with his family. The night he was born Sophia was treated for a head injury, Daryl had to get seventeen stitches in his arm where a bullet grazed him, Randy had fared worse than all of them, with a bullet wound through the shoulder that had torn an artery and caused substantial tissue damage.

When they were finally able to bring the little guy home the house had been full of well wishers, the day spent with family and friends. All Carol wanted was for the four of them to finally be alone. Not that she didn't love all of them, and she loved all the time that they all spent together, but the last few weeks had been taxing. The trips back and forth to the hospital were hard on her physically and the time away from the baby when they were home was hard on all of them emotionally.

Carol smiled as the last of them walked down the steps. It had been a long day and finally they were alone. She was still in pain but getting better every day and she had more help than she really needed. It had been hard being home while the baby was still at the hospital. It had been stressful on all of them but through it all, Daryl was like a rock. She didn't think he would ever stop surprising her. He handled everything with a quiet strength that made things so much easier. But she would be lying to herself if she said she wasn't worried. The term quiet strength was a bit of an understatement.

He was different. He was quieter now. He wasn't as quick to smile as he had been. He didn't treat her badly, or even very different than he had before but there was something definitely going on with him. She tried to tell herself that it was just stress because everything had happened unexpectedly but old fears found their way to the surface, causing her to wonder if maybe he realized that things had moved too fast for him. Did he have regrets now? She didn't even know how to ask him without sounding insecure.

"Mom?"

She turned, jumping slightly at the unexpected sound. Sophia was watching her worriedly so she tried to smile. "I guess I was zoning out," she said, stepping away from the door. She hadn't realized she had been staring out the window at the darkness beyond.

"Are you okay?" Sophia asked.

Carol nodded. "I'm fine. It's just been a long day."

Sophia smiled. "He's asleep so I put him to bed in the spare room. I think I'm gonna go on up to bed now."

Carol nodded again. "Okay. Goodnight."

Sophia's smile slipped a little. "If you need anything just... Well, I guess you can call me since you're sleeping down here for the next few weeks. I wouldn't hear it if you yelled."

"I can handle it. I feel a lot better and Daryl's here," she said.

"Okay, I'll see you in the morning," Sophia said reluctantly as she headed for the stairs.

The stairs had proved to be torture on her healing stomach so Daryl and Merle had set up one of the downstairs rooms until she was healed. She would probably just keep it as a guest bedroom since they didn't really need a den anyway. She made her way to the kitchen for a drink before bed and stopped in the doorway. Daryl was there, standing in front of the center island, running his finger over the granite absently. He looked to be lost in thought, a frown pulling his brows together as he stared off at nothing.

She swallowed hard but didn't make a sound. She simply watched him. He looked completely miserable and it scared her. It scared her so bad that she felt the sting of tears in her eyes because she would do anything to make that look go away, but she was terrified that maybe he was unhappy because of her. He turned around and walked to the pantry, pulling open the door and reaching towards the top shelf where there was a bottle of Maker's Mark. He pulled it down, looked at it for a long moment and then put the liquor back. He opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water instead. He didn't open it right away. He rolled it between his hands and continued to stare off miserably.

She couldn't take the look anymore. She stepped into the room and his head shot up. He offered a smile but it didn't reach his eyes. She didn't return it. There was no sense in pretending like there wasn't anything wrong. Something was very wrong and it filled her with dread. Today was suppose to have been a good day. And it was because they were all together but his strange new attitude wrung the joy out of it. Out of her.

"I think I'm gonna go ahead and call it a night," she said, reaching for the bottle he hadn't even opened yet and taking a few sips before handing it back to him.

He nodded. "Been a hell of a day."

"Yeah. Goodnight, Daryl," she said before leaving him alone again. There was a small lamp burning on the table in the corner of the room and she peeked over the railing of the baby bed. She felt like crying but she couldn't help but smile and shake her head. She had never seen a child resemble someone as much as this one did his dad. With a sigh she left him sleeping and crawled into bed. He wouldn't sleep for long and this would be the first night that she would be able to get up with him. She was actually looking forward to it. It was so strange having a baby and then leaving him in the care of people that she didn't know. It was probably the hardest thing she had ever done in her life. Tonight was going to be different.

She was almost asleep when she heard Daryl come in, the only sound was the rustling of his clothes as he got ready for bed. He slipped in, careful not to move too much. He treated her like she was made out of glass. Her back was to him and he moved until he pressed against her. His lips lingered on the side of her neck as his heavy arm slowly moved around her, caging her in. She gripped his hand, holding on to it tightly as she drifted off.

She was in that strange place, right on the brink of sleep when she heard a small whine that had her instantly alert. Before she could even move Daryl was out of the bed. She rolled over, scowling. She had been looking so forward to getting up with the baby and now he...

"Bout time," he muttered, grinning down at the fussing child.

She watched him pluck him up from the crib, and her annoyance faded. Apparently she would have to wait her turn.

"You can't be hollerin' like that. Your mama's sleeping," he whispered.

She repressed a smile and then when he glanced up she closed her eyes and pretended to be asleep. When he left the room she crawled out of bed, completely fascinated by his willingness to jump straight into this role. Ed had had nothing to do with Sophia as a baby so this wasn't something she was willing to miss.

She stood in the shadows of the doorway and watched while he readied a bottle, leaning against the counter.

"You know, I shoulda let her get up with you. I'm killin' your game ain't I? You could have got it straight from the source and now you're stuck with me, drinkin' from a bottle. Your dad's a booby blocker, huh?"

Carol covered her mouth with her hand to keep from laughing.

"It's just payback, boy. Now any time I get a minute alone with her, I gotta worry about getting squirted in the eye and that's all your fault, so there."

A small cry was the only response he got.

"Yeah, kid, you have no idea what the hell you came into do you? You wanna know some crazy family stuff? Your sister is dating your second cousin. Yep. Swear to Christ. When you get older I'm not even gonna yell at you for callin' them weird in-breeders."

Holding in the laugh was almost painful but she did. This was too great and seeing him with his son was almost mesmerizing.

"You know, your life was real close to being damn near as fucked up as mine was before your mama came around," he said quietly as he sat down at the kitchen chair now that the bottle was warm enough.

Carol's smile faded and she listened carefully.

"You're gonna be one that breaks this damn cycle we got going on. Dixons are notorious for doin' the wrong thing and you're gonna have to be smarter than that. We act like nothin' can touch us but that ain't the case and you're gonna know it."

The baby stared up at him, looking very much like he was listening carefully.

"I thought I had a grip on things, ya know? I thought if I just tried to be a decent guy that it would be enough, but sometimes the past rears up and bites you on the ass and the people you love, they pay for it."

She frowned, not understanding what he was talking about but knowing that this would shed light on his change over the last weeks.

"I damn near got your sister killed. The very night that your impatient little ass decided you was too crowded in there, I thought I'd lost it all. But that ain't how things turned out. Things turned out okay. But it could have went all to hell real quick. Your sister woulda been gone and that woulda killed your mama inside and all because your dad is a bone-a-fide dumb ass."

Carol's eyes widened. She had no idea he felt like that.

"Man, I hope you don't puke on me," he muttered as he sat the bottle down on the table and moved so he was able to pat the baby on the back. "Anyway, the point is, you can't be a dumb ass too. You got my looks, lets hope you got her smarts. Not that she's too damn smart or she wouldn't have gotten herself mixed up in this kinda shit to begin with, ya know? But I'm glad she did."

He managed to not get puked on but he wasn't ready to get up just yet. He moved him back to the cradle of his arm and continued.

"See, I know what she got herself into. She probably knows what she got herself into, I'm thinkin maybe it's just gonna be a matter of time before it really hits her. That she damn near lost one kid because of this kinda life and that scares the hell outta me. And that's another thing you're gonna learn, kid. It's okay to be scared of shit like that. You ain't always gotta be some goddamn hero. Yeah, you seem all interested now but by the time I'm through lecturing you, you'll hate hearing me, but you're gonna learn from every mistake I ever made. I don't even care if it gets on your nerves."

That was it. She watched as that miserable look came over him again. After everything, he was afraid that she would leave. He was afraid that she blamed him for what happened with Sophia and that was the last thing he needed to think. Unable to keep herself hidden any longer she stepped into the room. His head came up sharply.

"You should be asleep," he said, his brows pulling together.

"And you're going to have to learn to share. You aren't the only one that's missed out on hanging out with mini you." She smiled and felt it this time. It wasn't just for show.

He looked down and snorted. "Well, looks like you get him next round then. I bored him to sleep."

"Daryl," she said softly once he stood up.

He looked up, met her eyes and then the corner of his mouth turned up. "You heard, didn't you?"

She nodded. "I did. And I want you to stop. Stop thinking that things are going to fall a part because they aren't. And if they do, I'll still be standing right here in the ruble."

He looked back down and shook his head. "You say that now-"

"And I'll be saying it twenty years from now. What happened with Sophia, that was terrifying. I know that. But she's fine, our son is home and healthy. I can't stand thinking that you're going to miss out on all of the good things we have because you're worried about something like me blaming you. Another thing you need to teach him," she nodded towards the baby, "Teach him that if he spends his whole life waiting for the hammer to fall, he won't have much of a life at all. We have to stop doing this to each other. Always thinking that the other is going to decide to run away."

He held her gaze for a long time and then he shook his head, stepping around her. "Let's get our asses to bed."

She followed him, more than ready to sleep now. He lingered by the crib for a few more seconds and then finally came to bed. She felt better now. She hated that he felt like he did but it was better than thinking he didn't want this life. She turned towards him when he got into bed and he pulled her closer.

"What happened wasn't your fault," she whispered.

He opened his eyes and sighed. "You say that, but if it wasn't then why the hell do I keep blaming myself?"

She smiled, "Because that's what you do. You went from putting the blame on everyone else for your actions to blaming yourself for the actions of everyone else. You can't control everything. Things are going to happen. It's life. And you had me scared to death that you weren't happy anymore. I thought you were overwhelmed with all of this."

He didn't say anything. His lips met hers softly. She wrapped an arm around him, trailing her nails up his spine and he pulled away, his eyes darkening, causing her to laugh. His hand rested lightly on her hip and he glanced towards the crib. "You know, you're right," he muttered, "We gotta stop doin' this."

Her nails bit into him harder and he let out a heavy breath. She smiled innocently. "Doing what?"

"Thinkin' the other is gonna tuck tail and run. And you gotta quit doin' what you're doin' cause I have another month to wait and that's just mean."

She kissed him. "I agree. From here on out lets just let it be known that we're stuck with each other for the next fifty years or so."

He laughed. "Alright. I can live with that."

"Why didn't you just talk to me?" She asked, her smile fading.

He shrugged. "I didn't wanna know."

She pushed his hair out of his face. "I love you. More than I ever thought I could love another person. Not one I didn't give birth to anyway. You're the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I never thought that I would have a life like this. You need to remember that."

He didn't say anything but his lips met hers again, telling her more than any words ever could. He kissed her until she finally had to pull away to catch her breath. "Get some sleep, Carol," he said, pressing his lips to her forehead.

She smiled and closed her eyes, feeling like a heavy weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She felt like things were really going to be okay.