Leni stared at the seat belt, which was nestled along the wall. The buckle was infested with grime from years of clicking into dark, crumby slits and sitting for long afternoons in the parking lot. For the longest time, she just gazed at that buckle, lacking the energy to grab it.
It wasn't until she heard the door shut that she even bothered to touch. Even then, Leni opted to look at the floor as she tugged the seat belt around her waist, securing it in its buckle.
"Let's go," Lori said as she revved up the engine. Leni peered out her window as Vanzilla rolled out of the driveway.
Even on Franklin Ave, the car strolled down it. Leni was used to Lori chugging down the road (apparently 20 mph was fast for a low speed limit). Each house they drove by carried much more detail than the whisking blurs she was used to seeing. But that wasn't all. Vanzilla, which was normally so noisy, was peaceful for once. Perhaps it was due to its lack of passengers, but even Lori was quite the chit. chatter at times. When was riding, she'd talk to Bobby, voicing each message she received. And when she was driving, half her dialogue was reprimanding the others for being too loud and disruptive while the other half was her saying stuff to Leni.
Where was that normal conversation? Not even the radio was on. It was so quiet, Leni was able to hear the tires smoothly roll along the asphalt. That was a sound she rarely heard these days, given the size and volume of the family.
"I was talking to Whitney and she said she'd be open to a sleepover next weekend," Lori said calmly, "and I'll talk to the others and see what they can do. They'll all be over here...and we'd like you to join us."
Those were also becoming rarities. Despite the abundance of kids to bring friends over, Mom and Dad had been cracking down on overnight stays due to several odd incidents (mainly with Luna and Lynn). The friends they brought over are nice people, but they're anything but civil. Perhaps that's why Dad keeps saying no to Luan. But Lori. She may not have asked for them much, but Leni knew that Lori was super responsible and her friends wouldn't turn the House upside down.
"Um...okay," Leni replied as another thought befell her. Maybe there was a chance Lori would bring Carol along because out of all her friends, she was the one Leni knew the most. For the most part, Whitney and all the others were invisible, the type of people one heard about in stories; Lori had used the "beyond words" to describe this feeling, but Leni wasn't sure about that. But in any case, it might be fun.
That was about the only exchange either of them had during the drive. Lori ended up turning on the radio after all, listening to the Top 40 countdown. Leni only knew some of the current artists (though none of them were painters). Songs were just songs with different sounds, voices, and thingies playing around her. It was soothing background noise (especially with the neighborhood as a visual), but that was about it. Lori didn't sing along or commentate on any of them.
The Mall was crowded, cars packed in most of the parking spaces. In the long, uncertain journey for the open spot, Leni had time to see all the glittering colors reflecting off the sun. Cars were so pretty. They came in black, green, red, orange, and even Vanzilla blue. Sure some of them were white, but the "after Labor Day" rule only applied to people.
Admittedly, Leni knew that she wasn't the most social person. No. That was an understatement. Outside of Lisa and Lily, she must have spent the least amount of time hanging out with others. And yet, she loved going to the Mall. None of the countless kids, teens, and parents deterred her pursuits. In her eyes, as long as there were enough clothes and shoes to go around, she could spend entire afternoons in the place.
Eventually, Lori pulled into an open spot. It was a tight squeeze, but Vanzilla's bulky width squeezed itself into the space without a scratch. Now was the tough part: sliding out without letting the door hit the neighboring cars.
"Be careful," she heard Lori say as she eyed the handle. By now, Leni was all too familiar with that message. Who was Lori to baby her like that, like she had no idea there was another car less than a foot away. Sure it was slow easing the door open, but that didn't mean she didn't know what she was doing. It just took a little longer.
By the time she had gotten out, Leni saw Lori waiting for her beside Vanzilla's trunk. Was she really that slow in getting out herself? And why wasn't Lori frowning or eye rolling or anything? Even when she got closer, her face lacked subtle contours usually associated with impatience or frustration.
"So you will not believe the deals they have on shirts and jeans at NarrowMaple. They are literally in right now," Lori said as they made the long commute to the main entrance. Leni glanced, noticing that her arms shifting around. It was one of Lori's ways of seeming more energetic than she really was. And it certainly worked most of the time. But now wasn't the time to pose questions. It was Leni's job to play along.
"That's, like, totes wonderful," Leni replied. She then managed to contort her face into a grin. Was it convicting enough? The corners didn't feel in the right place. The whole thing must have looked terrible, Leni thought to herself. She knew she had to keep going, though, because a terrible smile was certainly better than blankness.
"And there's also some new shoes from Lacey's. If we hit there first, we can grab some before they sell out," Lori added hastily.
"Okay," Leni said.
If the abundance of cars was anything to go by, the inside was a bustling afternoon. Leni's ears filled up with the white noise chatter as clumps of people paroused the corridors and open-door shops. This was exactly what she desired.
The two merely stood at the main entrance. By now, Leni was expected her hand to be yanked in a predetermined direction. If Lori was the one who drove her here, clearly she was the one that should decide the stores. But here they were, just watching passerbys go about their hectic days. Just from looking at it, it appeared the beleaguered mother pushing the double stroller was preparing for a party (did Luan know about this?) The big boys sporting gym shorts and spandex T-shirts are likely to stop by Pantheon for sports stuff (maybe Lynn should know about them). And then there was herself and her big sister, just standing there.
"Well," she heard Lori say, "where do you wanna go first?"
Leni was taken aback. Did she hear that right? Lori never let her make big decisions like this. Even though her big sister also had an eye for fashion, her taste was light years away from her's. It was like no matter what Leni wanted, Lori was against it, opting for something else. She didn't accuse her sister of not knowing what good clothes were, but maybe Lori could have learned something from thinking about them more. Lori might have gotten a different view if she spent a little time making clothes herself, Leni told herself. That much she had, even if it didn't really matter. What's the point of making clothes if you didn't wear the right kind? Who was she to judge other people?
Oh. On second thought, maybe Lori was right. After all, she was the one with more friends. But that didn't stop that perpetual staring. It felt weird having someone stare at her. For a moment, Leni thought she had gotten something on her face (like a bug or a booger or...a spider). Why won't she stop? Why can't Lori just make up her mind for her?
"Did you wanna go to Lacey's?" Lori asked.
"Yes," Leni shot back.
And just like that, the crisis was resolved. She now knew where to go and Lori was gonna help her there. That's how it's supposed to be. Every time.
As she walked alongside Lori, Leni couldn't help but gaze forward at the oncoming denizens of shoppers. On that day, she seemed particularly interested in their stories, the very circumstances that drove them to the Mall (aside from their cars). There was a man walking all by himself, his eyes set on the corner jewelry shop; it didn't take Lori to tell her what that meant. A trio of women adorned in cute sweaters strolled into Jackson's Book Shop. Perhaps they were in college and wanted to get even smarter than they already were getting.'Or maybe they just wanted to pass the time. It was funny reading an actual book as opposed to some text on a phone screen, Leni thought.
Most times, those surrounding her really were just background. As much as she didn't find socializing comfortable, Leni just accepted the crowds as a natural part of life. It would have been weird to have the Mall all to herself. But now, they were more than a tapestry of colors and world of unique textures. They were people, just like her and Lori. Each of them saw themselves as the main character in their own sprawling story, with this day being another chapter in it. Leni found it oddly comforting focusing on these people, guessing what was going through their heads as they passed by. And yet despite the gentle euphoria coursing through her, none of that feeling was reflected on her face.
It was interesting how little could be told just by looking at someone's face. A lot of times, Leni felt sad and yet she didn't cry. Other times she could get wrapped up in a soothing fantasy, yet be unaware of the necessity to show her excitement. Sure a smile came out of the blue occasionally, but those were not something that could be counted on for every burst of happiness. And even with that, Leni inevitably found herself back to Lori. What was she feeling right now? Turning over, her face didn't seem to have much going for it. Did that mean she wasn't thinking anything? Did Lori think the same of her?
Looking forward, the big Lacey's sign quickly approached. It was much larger than the simple posts that the neighboring outlets had. Its white letters illuminated across the entire section, luring the eyes of anyone that dared enter its sight. Leni had seen those imposing letters countless times, and yet it never failed to grasp her attention. Something about their size, their uniformity, and pure white color was all-encompassing, telling her that this was a safe haven for all pieces of quality clothing. This was fashion itself.
If the sign was what drew people in, it was the selections that made them stay. The two sisters were inundated by selections: designer dresses, flower-laced hats, shades of the most pure and savory colors. And yet despite the surplus, none of it appeared overwhelming. The designers of Lacey's were known for putting the same level of effort arranging the store as the seamstresses did making the clothes. Indeed, the floors were sparkly white, the shelves were cut into perfect corners, no article was disheveled, and the mannequins could have challenged Lola at a pageant.
Unsure of what their intentions were, Lori and Leni gravitated to an arbitrary section. The dresses were long and flourishing. Leni couldn't help but imagine herself at Aloha Beach with one of those, letting the material flow with the wind like a flag. And the colors were diverse. White, maroon, lavender, cerulean, verdant. In the moment, Leni forgot there were even other stores (let alone racks in her closet), leaving these to be the only clothes worth wearing. Why didn't she just go to Lacey's all the time?
"Hey Leni," Lori said, taking her attention away from one particular dress. The first thing Leni saw was her sister's docile face, "we don't have to stay in this section. They got some winter stuff that's literally gorg! Did you wanna come with me?"
Lori jutted her arm, pointing to an adjacent section. Sure enough, it was mixed with comfy scarfs, adorable knitted hats, mittens, and stunning jackets (many of them white). She was right. They were gorgeous. And it was true that winter was gonna arrive in a few months. In fact, she was tempted to go over there, follow her sister in their search for decent style.
"What about that dress?"
Leni halted herself. Was she really about to ditch something that had just drawn her attention without looking closer? Her attention span wasn't that short. Right? If she really wanted to, Leni told herself, she could have spent a lot of time looking at one thing, pouring all her concentration in its price, color, texture, and dimensions. Clearly, she told herself, these dresses had stories tempted to unleash themselves. They deserved at least some of her attention.
"You go on ahead," Leni said, turning to a white version of the outfit, "I wanna look at this stuff first."
Those winter clothes were attractive, though. Some of the coats were a creamy leather while others were a fluffy fur. She thought Lori was gonna flock to them with her command. Silly of her to assume that, though. Instead, Lori remained there. In fact, Leni even saw a tiny wrinkle emerge on her big sister's face and a subtle downward tug. Leni felt shivers as she said that.
"I can wait. It's your day, after all," Lori responded.
Her day? This whole time, Leni had thought this was a sister day, where the two of the them could have fun together. And besides, after all that had happened, did she really deserve it? All Leni could think about was how she yelled at her sister. That screeching voice still rang in her head, haunting her. It had confirmed a lot of things. She already knew she was very smart, but yesterday she had figured out she wasn't nice either. Leni, she felt, was an all aroun nasty, rotten orange.
"No," Leni said, her voice trembling slightly, "you can go over there if you want to. Because, like, you wanted to see that stuff and, like, I don't wanna keep you waiting."
She still felt a leech attached to her chest, something she knew she had to get out. But perhaps that was enough talking. Besides, the dress looked really nice and Leni preferred that. Clothes were a lot easier to deal with. With a good enough look at one, Leni could piece together all the ways that made it good or bad (and how to improve it).
She came within inches on the white one. From there, she was able to make out the thick laces that made up its seams. They were simply stunning, she figured. In that final moment before gracing her hand, Leni turned to where Lori stood. She was now walking solemnly towards that section.
Was she wrong for wanting to be here? Should she have been nicer about it? These were the questions that expounded themselves as she ran her fingertips along the soft, gentle surface of the dress. It was every bit as smooth and comfortable as it appeared. Leni loved those type of outfits. She asked herself why she didn't get them more often.
That was, of course, until she saw the price tag. $69.99 it read. Given how elaborate the design and lucrative the material was, Leni felt it did deserve a decent price. Someone clearly put a lot of heart and soul into it, making it a top of the line product. Still, her purse said otherwise. Leni didn't have a job and her allowance wasn't all that high, leaving her pinched. Was it really worth it to get this dress right now?
Leni gazed back at the winter section, where Lori was staring at a maroon and gold scarf. From this distance, the only thing she could use to judge the article was the color scheme. As far as she knew, maroon and gold were a winning combo (even if it was old-fashioned). Lori might have appreciated to have something that said "Look at me. I mean business."
But seconds piled on and yet, Lori was frozen in that position of holding the scarf's tail end. Perhaps it was just bad eyesight, but she could have sworn that Lori wasn't moving. Certainly by now, Lori would have already made up her mind about it. Most of the time, that's what it seemed like (Leni thought). Her big sister was really smart and always knew what she wanted. So what was the holdup?
She was tempted to forget about the dress and come to her, look at some of the winter clothes with her. Besides, they were more practical. So what was keeping her feet bolted to the floor?
After a whole day, there was no way she was still mad at the driving incident. Leni should have never gotten to that point and she even apologized. She was left to wonder if she were just scared or nervous or something. That, she concluded, was a horrible thought to have. Lori was her sister her entire life. To let something as petty as sabotage bog her down was outside her right. Leni wasn't allowed to snap back, especially at her sister.
So was that it? Was this just some cheap tactic to avoid having to see her sister?
"You...poopy!"
It was no longer about the dress. She was forced to accept that it was just a distraction, a means of getting Lori away from her. And for what? A little extra time to realize what should have already been apparent? Lori was clearly trying to make her feel better. It was obvious from her insistence on bringing her here, of letting her call the shots, and being completely agreeable. Lori was everything Leni didn't deserve. And this is how she repaid her?
Maybe "poopy" wasn't a strong enough word.
But for now, Leni knew what she needed to do. Now was giveback time, to swallow her melancholy and bitterness, purely embracing everything Lori was. Today was Lori's day.
Leni paced away from the dresses, never taking a look back. Her eyes were focused purely on Lori, who was like a statue. It was like she really liked that scarf, to the point where she forgot that she had an entire body to use stuff with. As she got closer, she started making more and more details of the scene before her. The scarf wasn't anything too special now that she saw it. The knots were competently made and the materials used did their jobs at accentuating their respective colors.
But she also got a closer view of Lori. It was like she was so focused on that dress, that she forgot to smile (or show any emotion for that matter). And her eyes appeared so transfixed on the article, they didn't even squint and her pupils were like dinner plates. Perhaps they too forgot to change when she came into contact with this scarf.
"Hey Lori," she said while she was still walking. Nothingspecial with that intro, she thought. But Lori didn't seem to think so, as her eyes snapped to her.
"Oh hey Leni," Lori said softly, her hand still on the scarf. Her eyes then darted down, observing Leni's arms, "did you find anything over there?"
"No," Leni replied, bringing her arms up. She then thought a smile was appropriate for this moment. With her best effort, she scrounged up the best one she could, "but that's okay. Like you said, it's gonna get, like, colder soon. And I need, like, better looking clothes for cold."
And then, the two silently went about their search. Lori moved away from the scarf, her mind gravitating towards the hats. Even though she already got a decent look at the aforementioned scarf, Leni realized that she hadn't had a chance to touch it yet. She stopped in front of it and proceeded to stare. Similar to the dress, Leni decided to touch it, allowing her finger tips to feel each contour of the stitching. Ultimately, the work was no better than something she would produce. That wasn't to call the maker a bad knitter, but the low price ($8.99) clearly reflected the effort put into it. It was unusual that something of this quality would end up at Lacey's. No wonder Lori stopped to examine it; it was such an anomaly in a store that's known for high prices for high quality.
Surrounding it were other scarves. These ones were also made with well-chosen combinations (purple and green, blue and yellow, scarlett and sapphire. Some of the selections were similar to that initial pair, adequate quality for clearance price. But as she moved towards the edge of the same table, Leni started to re-enter traditional Lacey's territory. The prices went up (maxing out at $24.99) alongside the quality. The stitches became tighter and the yarn became smoother, silkier, better dyed.
Occasionally, Leni glanced up at her big sister. Unlike before, Lori was moving along the selections at a more reasonable pace, observing each coat and article long enough to determine whether it belonged in the closet. There she was, Leni thought to herself. All she had to do was continue to make it Lori's day.
Going back to the scarves, she evaluated each selection. She didn't think any of the scarves fit her particularly. Leni knew she lacked the complexion and wardrobe to make purple and green look good. In fact, she realized that the scarves she already had were sufficient on their own. What was the use in wasting money on herself anyway?
Leni then turned to the more expensive corner of the table. In the midst of the selections was an elaborate cerulean scarf. The entire thing was endowed by the color's bold dominance. Her eyes locked on it, pressing her to look further. How did she not see this one earlier, she asked. And as her hand ran along it, it was both tightly knit and soft. It was the perfect color and texture. Even though the price was $19.99, she knew she could afford it. Besides, the cause was too important to let prices get in the way.
Snagging it, Leni strolled around, reaching Lori.
"Try this," Leni said, smiling. Lori wasn't sure what to think of it. The two looked at each other, unsure of what the other's intention was, "you look totes fab in it."
Before Leni could have prodded further, Lori's eyes warmed to the scarf. She proceeded to lift it from Leni's hand. Usually, her big sister was more deliberate and forceful in taking things. She always liked to establish her authority: in her words, faces, and motions. But here, she was more gradual, her hand was open, allowing the material to slide between her fingers like jello. Even as Leni told herself that she needed to step up her game, she eagerly waited as Lori found it in her to wrap the scarf around her neck.
It was only now that she really absorbed how long the thing was. Stretched out, it must have gone to at least Lori's shoulders, leaving it with exceptionally long tails once it was secure on her. But practicality aside, Leni was right. That shade of blue was just right for Lori (she rocked it so hard, no pick axe could have dented it). And that yellow practically matched her hair. Bold, strong, blonde that Leni never could have hoped to reach. It was perfect for her.
"You look great!" Leni said. And then, out of blind instinct, she pulled out her phone and snapped a picture. As the lens flashed its white light, Lori's eyes widened.
"Leni!" she exclaimed, her voice constrained. Lori's face was mangled, fighting between astonishment, disappointment, and composure. But in any case, her eyes told it all. It was very hard to make a facade with those. Leni tried it sometimes and it was just so hard; the lids developed a weight of their own as did the irises. Not to stop her (or Lori) from trying.
In the ensuing struggle, Lori did her best to press on, "wh-why are you doing that?" her voice cracked a little. Her lips pressed shut, surprised at the inflection her vocal cords gave her. Apparently, they needed a little extra time to recalibrate. In the interlude, Lori just gazed down at the scarf she now adorned. The tails each went down to her waist, "it's not that pretty."
"Yes it is," Leni said, nodding her head, "It's so you and I wanted to, like, keep it forever."
She really meant it. Lori didn't always seem to get how beautiful she looked, especially in the right clothes. And besides, Leni had picked out that specific scarf knowing that color scheme would make Lori's eyes and hair pop. The picture was just another way of showing that admiration.
"I could just buy it, you know. And then you can just see it all the time," Lori said.
Now was her chance to strike.
"You don't need to spend money," Leni answered,smiling. Lori gave her a confused look, encouraging her to continue, "I can buy it for you."
"Do you even know how much this costs?" Lori asked, gazing down at the tails. Indeed, the material and stitching were far from the mark of an amateur.
"Of course I do," Leni answered. She pushed aside the urge to get feisty, preferring to make herself sound cheery. After all, it was Lori she was trying to keep happy, "I'll just use some of the money Mom and Dad gave me."
Lori's eyes widened as they reached her sister. Something told Leni that she should have saw that coming. Why couldn't she see it earlier?
"You do know I have money too, right," Lori said, her voice lowering. Indeed, both of them had brought their purses and she was more than willing to show her's, "I'll buy this for me and then you can use your money to buy something for yourself."
No, Leni thought. She couldn't let this happen. She had been too mean to her big sister to let her pay another price. Remembering that she also had her purse out, Leni stripped it from her waist so abruptly, her hand nearly lost grip of the leather.
"It's okay. I don't need anything," Leni said. She then extended her arms, pushing the article closer to Lori. Maybe if she could see the money, she would be swayed to take up the offer. Who could say no to a free scarf anyway?
But Lori's eyes darted back and forth. First at the purse then at the scarf and then off into something far away (Leni wished she had eyes in the back of her head). Maybe Lori was thinking. Leni was confused by that. After all, what was there to question?
"You know, silly."
After another moment of looking at the scarf, Lori touched it once more. Maybe she was finally coming around. Leni's heart prematurely fluttered, hoping that Lori would say yes. Now was her chance.
And then, Lori's other hand gripping the part of the scarf wrapping her neck and yanked it, causing the entire configuration to come undone. Now, the article was back to being a yellow and blue snake hanging around.
"Of course," Lori said softly, lowering her neck. Leni felt her feet prodding her forward, prepared to deal with the relieving acceptance. And then, her head snapped up. It was like she tried practicing what Leni had done with her purse, "You wanted shoes on sale!"
Shoes? What did that have to do with coats and scarves? Leni stared blankly at her sister, trying to get an answer. Maybe if she gave that look long enough, Lori would get the hint.
"I do?" Leni blurted out. That worked too, even if it was a bit obvious.
"Well duh!" Lori chimed, throwing up her hand and flicking it. Leni had no idea Lori had Ducky arms too, "you said yourself that there's shoes on sale. Remember?"
Oh. Now she recalled. Why did she have to be so specific? Why couldn't Lori just take a gift? Yet there was no denying that both of them liked shoes. But before she could respond, Lori hand lurched and locked on Leni's wrist, sending shockwaves throughout her whole body.
"I guess, b-"
"Let's go! Shoe Shine's got some great deals!" Lori exclaimed.
Then everything became a whirlwind. Lori shot out like a bullet, dragging Leni along with her. In the chaos, neither noticed that the scarf was lying on the floor, forlorn and astray.
The sun cleared up when the two emerged from the Mall. She couldn't believe it. She had told herself over and over again that she would buy Lori something. Leni knew she had the money, the thought, the will. And here she was, left with a big white cardboard box in hand with a purse full of cash.
How did this happen? The scarf may have been a lost cause, but shoes were shoes. And Lori loved them (even if they were often bunched under her bed).
And these were not hand-me-downs. They were long, silky brown boots; when she tried them on, she felt like one of those "gals" on TV that wore old clothes and ran around with ponies in the sand. What were they called again?
But they cost so much ($100). Leni begged to dump all her money (however much it was) to pay for them. And Lori kept pushing back. Actually, it was more like a gentle nudge. Her big sister just kept smiling (much like she was now), talking about how much she loved Leni and how she "would do anything for you".
That didn't even count what Lori got for herself. A set of blue heels that were so shiny, Leni had to avert her eyes when her sister held them up. They must have been $50 easily. Despite that, she still paid for both out of her purse. She was still smiling too.
Leni, though, just felt sick. She couldn't even talk her sister into returning the favor. Once again, Lori made the day.
The two silently slipping into Vanzilla. Lori was humming some song she heard on the radio once. Again, Leni couldn't find the name of it. But her big sister was happy now. Didn't that count for something? She still felt this good in her chest, begging her to do something, show rather than tell. Was there something broken about her?
"Thank you," Leni murmured, her head practically buried on the box. Even that looked expensive. The white surface was one of the glossiest she had seen, brilliant rays reflecting off its sheen. And at the center was a golden emblem, detailed by intricate lines that only a top-of-the-line drawer could have made. Maybe Lily will grow up to be one of those.
"That's literally the fifth time you've said that," Lori said, chuckling a little as she was pulling out of the parking spot.
"I know."
For several seconds, Leni was able to catch sight of the windshield, watching all the stationary cars pass by. Even though some of them had cleared out, the Mall was still bustling at this hour. She then chose to look at Lori manning the Spinny Thingy. Her hands had such a firm control on the wheel, as if they were ready to pounce on any little thing that could propel Vanzilla off course.
And then there were their purses, which occupied the middle space. It was a squishy, leather-bound wall. All Leni could do was guess how much money was in her big sister's.
Soon enough, her eyes gravitated to the same old passenger window. By that point, they had left the Mall and were driving along a side road. It was gonna be some time before they got back. Better cozy up, she thought. Leni leaned towards the door and pressed her wrist parallel to the ground. It was somewhat comforting, but her mind was elsewhere. It was beyond the trees, buildings, homes, and even Vanzilla.
"You're pretty quiet over there."
Leni snapped up, her back becoming as straight as a pencil. No, even straighter than that. Like if someone made a super straight line, her back would be even straighter. And her eyes were open, alert. As were her ears, which picked up more uncomfortable laughter.
"Are you okay?" Lori asked.
Well. What was she supposed to say? Protest and act like her feelings actually mattered? No. She told herself that wasn't good. There was also just saying fine, but her throat was a bit blocked up even for that. Nothing could be said really. Silence seemed like the best option. Maybe Lori will realize soon enough how useless that question is and stop. And sure enough, her eyes found themselves back on that box. That fancy-looking box with shoes she should have paid for.
In that moment, she darted a glance at Lori, although there wasn't much to see. After all, when she was trying to keep the car on the road, she couldn't focus on that type of stuff anyway.
"Is it the shoes? Do you not like them?" Lori asked, genuinely concerned. No, that wasn't it. Leni wasn't one to change her mind on shoes (unless of course she were dealing with the ones she already had). Nevermind. She needed to say something.
"No," Leni said, hoping that was the end of it. By now, Lori had to realize that there were more important things to attend to.
"Then what is it?" Lori asked.
Turns out the important things were otherwise. Why did Lori have to ask? Or the better question. Lori asked herself why she had to be so obvious in how she felt. Why couldn't she just whistle a happy song or tap her feet or something? At least then, Lori would have stayed happy on her day. Lying was out of the picture. If Lori could root out a face, she could pick out a lie (especially from Leni). And with that, she sighed.
"I didn't want you to buy all of this," Leni said, looking back down at the box.
"So it was about the shoes," Lori said, her voice filled with tension. It was both nervous and disappointed at the same time, as if they were blended together into a yucky smoothie, "I could return them if you want."
"No, no, no," Leni said, exasperated. It was only then that she caught her faux pas. Typical Leni, "I do like the shoes, like, a lot."
It was true. She did admire them and she very much looked forward to wearing them. That much she was honest with herself. But even with that shiny gloss, Leni broke away from its visual allure and continued.
"I just wished that I had spent my money on that stuff. So that, like, you wouldn't have to like, have no money left."
"Why would you wanna spend all that money?" Lori asked frankly, "those shoes weren't cheap and I don't think you would have been happy to be out a hundred bucks."
"What about you?" Leni asked, raising her arm and gesturing it at her big sister, "I mean, I know I don't have a hundred bucks running around a field and jumping over stacks of hay, but I would have done it for you. I wanted to give you something special so that, like, you'll feel better."
"Feel better?" Lori posed, surprised, "What are you talking about? I'm fine."
It was hard to make out all the features on Lori's face. Much of it was from the side. But then Leni remembered one part of Vanzilla that always help. She faced the front and looked through the central mirror, which she used sometimes to see Dad's balding hair or Mom's protruding nose. Sure enough, she caught sight of Lori's eyes. They looked like they were struggling to stay open as well (even though it was day time). And the apparent tinge both of them possessed was manifest. If this was "fine", then Leni didn't know what to think.
"But," she said, trying to form some words. After all, if Lori said she was fine, then it was very likely to be true, "I yelled at you."
"You had every reason to," Lori shot back, keeping those weary eyes on the road, "I messed up your test. I was wrong. End of story."
Was it, though? Even with Lori clearly hiding something, Leni knew that her story wasn't over. She had to keep going. Maybe this was the real test after all, the moment where she would really make her sister feel fine for real. Leni owed it to her. She grabbed her purse and pulled out her cash.
"Still...I shouldn't have," Leni said. Turns out it took a lot more effort than she thought. Words were hard, especially when counting dollar bills, "I can't be mad or, like, mean...if I'm not nice, then I'm nothing."
Once she was sure she had $100, she held it out to Lori.
"I'm sorry for letting go of my Spinny Thingy," Leni said solemnly, "I'll try to keep my hands on next time, just like your's."
Even with the offer (and a small grin), she couldn't get Lori to look at her, let alone take the wad of cash.
"Leni," Lori said, still driving, "you're allowed to feel other things. You're a person just like me," she then paused. All the urgency and haste that had dominated her voice was gone. It certainly wasn't fine. Something told Leni she had gotten to Lori's core. Glancing at the mirror, her eyes were unchanged, but the face around her had sagged.
"But I'm not like you," Leni replied. This time, she didn't need her mind to get the words out. Everything was driven by her heart, "you do all sorts of things for me and everyone else. You drive us to the Mall, babysit us, help us when we have problems, drive us to the Mall, and you help me talk to others," she then pumped her cash-filled fist, "you can feel as mad or as sad as you want because you, like, earned it."
She then took a deep breath, preparing herself for what came next. What was the problem, she asked herself. This was Lori. It wasn't like her big sister hadn't heard this stuff before. Today was just like those other times, even if they didn't have tears or things that happened long ago.
"For your information," Lori said, beating her to it, "just because I work hard doesn't give me any excuse to be a jerk to you guys," her eyes had opened, even if they still stung, "I take things too far. I yell at you, I ask you to do chores in exchange for rides, I make too many rules when I'm in charge! Believe me, none of that is okay!"
Lori let out an audible exhale, letting the air blast against the steering wheel. Leni didn't dare interrupt her sister at a time like this. Even she knew that Lori wasn't done with her train of thought. Lori always came first, after all.
"And you see the others, our sisters and Lincoln," Lori continued, trying her best to control her breathing (to fluctuating degrees of success), "they can't stand how I deal with things. I make stuff such a hassle for everyone else that they get all worked up, annoyed with me."
All of this was news for Leni. She has spent so much time viewing Lori as a guide that she had forgotten to consider her feelings.
"You stupid poopy."
But then Lori shot a look at Leni. Her head was perpendicular to the road, frightening Leni by those eyes. They were right there, staring down at her. Once their pleading chill was blasted, Leni forgot about the danger both of them were in.
"I may be terrible to you all, but you are the furthest thing from," Lori said, her voice sagging as well, "our siblings adore you. If they had it their way, they would pick you for driving, babysitting, and all the stuff I'm doing now. They will be at your side when you need their help and they look up to you for all sorts of stuff. If Luna needs a winter sweater, you can make it for them. If Lincoln has a bad day at school, he can turn to you knowing that you'll care. Because you do! If you get angry or sad, they would never think lesser of you!"
Leni was pressed against the door. Her Ducky arms carried the cash within all her fingers. Lori's glare was intense. What had she done now?
Feeling the car has stopped, Leni gradually extended the cash out to her sister. Lori slowly and cooly accepted it, stuffing it in her pocket.
"Now do you feel better?" Lori asked, leaning back. Her voice, though, was dragging even further behind, "do you now know how important you are in this family?"
None of this felt right. In fact, none of it felt true either. Lori did deserve to feel things other than happiness. She earned it for all she had done, after all. It was herself that just sat around, cutting up fabric and turning it into clothes that only took up extra closet space. Why couldn't Lori just see that? Why couldn't she make Lori happy?
Leni turned to Lori, who was before a Stop sign. She was familiar with this intersection. It was away from most of the houses and businesses, primarily surrounded by grass and trees. It was a calm, peaceful area within the clustered suburb.
Lori took out the money and chucked it to Leni, the crumpled dollars gliding onto her lap. No, she thought. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. And her eyes felt funny too. Normally at this very Stop sign, she would have heard a sound going beep bop beep bop. Leni thought she had gone deaf and rubbed against her ears, hoping that would do the trick. No beep bop. All they could process was the sound of Vanzilla rolling forward. Looking up, Leni realized the car was moving straight.
"I thought we were going home," Leni said, puzzled. Normally from this route, there was a right turn at the Stop sign. Even she knew that.
"I wanna do something first," Lori simply said. And then, Lori touched the Blinky Blink, making the beep bop sound. This is where they were turning? Lori clearly must have seen the trees lying to the right. Vanzilla veered in the direction, hovering over the shoulder of the road. Once there, Vanzilla halted to a stop.
Leni watched Lori, now even more confused. She was about to ask what was going on when Lori unbuckled and got out. She watched as her sister rounded the front hold, making her way to her side. Leni grew scared, worried that her sister was gonna yell at her, lose her temper, or do something she would "regret". No matter what, Leni felt she deserved such punishment.
"Get out," Lori commanded.
No thought, reflection, or denial was allowed. Leni swiftly slid out of the car, mindful of the box and loose dollar bills lying on the seat. She stood like a very straight line as Lori inserted herself into the passenger seat. She courteously placed all of Leni's dollars into the respective purse and snugged the shoe box under the chair. All Leni did was watch her sister settle in.
"What are you waiting for?" Lori asked calmly. That was a reassuring sign, even if it was unearned. Even on be next task, Leni couldn't bring herself to answer. Wasn't it obvious? She was just waiting for her sister to tell her what to do, "Drive," she said.
Leni literally stumbled back, nearly tripping in her move. Did she even hear that correctly? Maybe she should get her ears checked out, she noted to herself.
"I want to help you learn how so you can pass your next test," Lori explained, her eyes softening. It was a gradual process, but Leni started to notice pieces of her big sister's soul mend themselves, "this place doesn't have many cars. You should drive us down the road, Leni."
There wasn't much of a smile to be seen. Perhaps in the midst of this mess, this is what Leni was meant to accomplish. A short drive couldn't hurt, especially at the guidance of her amazing big sister. Besides, she already had a somewhat good grasp on what she was doing.
Giving one last look at Lori for assurance, Leni rounded the front hood before reaching the driver seat. She was all too familiar with the seat's warm leather and the Spinny Thingy's rough circumference. Fastening her seat belt, Leni turned to Lori once more. By then, her big sister perked up her lips. This was for real. Lori really was on her side this time. No more sabotage, no more mistakes, no more silly voice.
"Blinky Blink."
Leni pressed down on the meter, causing the left arrow to blink its white hue.
"Go Go Boot."
Her foot prodded the rugged pedal. Vanzilla jolted forward, jerking both of them forward. That wasn't good. Quickly, Leni snapped her neck to Lori, trying to make sure that this is really what she meant. Did her big sister really want to help a lost cause?
"Watch the road," Lori said gently. Leni immediately realized her mistake and turned forward. Vanzilla was leaning towards the double yellow line, "right side."
Right. Using the Spinny Thingy, Leni reoriented Vanzilla onto the appropriate side. It really was a relief that there weren't any distractions to succumb to or people to get hurt from such silly antics.
Feeling she was moving a little slowly, Leni nudged the Go Go Boot, speeding up the car. Indeed, the red needle behind the Spinny Thingy edged clockwise along its own glass circle. It kept going and going as Leni felt her back press into the leather seat.
"Take your foot off the gas pedal," Lori said.
And Vanzilla continued to chug along, speeding up. Her eyes remained glued to the right side of the road. The trees whizzed by faster and faster in her peripheral vision. The red needle continued to push against the higher numbers. Now wasn't the time to stop.
"Stop!"
Snapping out of it, Leni registered her big sister's voice. Understanding the phrase, she slammed on the White Shoe, lifting her off the seat as the machine came to a grinding halt.
Leni jerked her head to Lori, whose hand was pressed against her chest. She could hear each of the girl's winded breaths.
"You can't go that fast," Lori said between breaths, "I told you to take your foot off the gas pedal."
"It wasn't on the...whatever you just said," Leni said, trying to defend herself, "I had it on the Go Go Boot."
Lori's eyes widened.
"There is no Go Go Boot," Lori said, trying to get over the shock, "there's the gas pedal and the brake."
"I thought it was the Go Go Boot and the White Shoe," Leni said gently. She didn't want to freak out her sister anymore than she already had, "that's how I remember them."
Having finally caught her breath, Lori readjusted herself, making sure her posture was upright. Leni couldn't help but hear her sister yelling bounce against her skull. Here it came. She just knew it.
"When you take the test, they won't know what you're talking about," Lori said bluntly, "you can use those words when you're with me, but you have to learn the real names of these car parts."
"Okay," Leni replied.
Her cheeks heated up as her head slowly turned back to the Spinny Thingy (or whatever it's supposed to be called). She couldn't believe that her own logic had scared her big sister. Hadn't she been through enough today?
Leni was then jolted by a hand touching her shoulder. She jumped up, much like Lori had while she was driving. She anxiously turned and saw it was Lori herself, smiling at her.
"But you're off to a good start," she said gently. For once, her voice was actually calm. It emitted genuine relief, the feeling one got when they were free of petty injury, "I'm proud of you."
There were so many things telling her to recoil, a voice compelling her to argue. Leni should know by now that it was false, that such words were an empty shell meant to promote complacency in one's incompetence.
But what was wrong with that smile? That heavy weight in her eyes were gone, as was the tension in her cheeks. After a long day, Lori finally had the chance to be loved, to have something done for her. And for once, even if she was on the verge of making another stupid mistake, she could take comfort in knowing that she had supplied that joy.
"Thanks," Leni replied.
That voice wasn't needed right now. It was in time out in a different part of her mind. It was gonna have to wait its turn before it could be nice.
Then again, that was as uncertain as the future turns down the road.