Disclaimer – I do not own BMT world, it belongs to Trudi Canavan.

Settling Things

Sonea spent a wretched night. Akkarin didn't come to join her, so she was left alone to toss and turn, unable to fall asleep, yet bone weary and desperate for sleep. At first, she had assumed that Akkarin would come upstairs after finishing his wine. Then, when that didn't look likely, she thought he would come once he felt she would be asleep. Now it was near dawn and she was still alone in the bed.

"It's no use," she spoke aloud. "I might as well get up as stay here!"

She slipped her feet into her shoes and reached for a thick shirt, which she tugged on over her sleeping garment. She shivered slightly but resisted the temptation to use magic to warm herself. Although she had learned from Akkarin how to shield more effectively, there were still times when she failed to hide her use of magic completely, especially when, as now, she was tired, and they'd both agreed to reduce the possibility of someone noticing magic where it wasn't supposed to be.

She moved silently to the door, then crept downstairs. The house was silent and cold, the last of the heat from yesterday evening's fire had drained away, leaving behind that bone-chilling damp cold she was still unused to. She hesitated before opening the door at the bottom of the stairs. She strained her ears but could hear nothing. She opened it slowly and entered the room.

The fire had died down until all was left was a dull red glow at its centre. There was little light, but she was able to see Akkarin still seated in his chair, his legs outstretched and crossed at his ankles, his hands held loosely in his lap. He was asleep. She sat down in the chair opposite and stared at him. She had become used to the small beard he now wore which suited the pale oval of his face, although in her heart of hearts, she preferred him clean-shaven. She examined his face carefully, trying to decide exactly which of his features made him so attractive to look at. Was it the slightly almond shape of his eyes? Was it the long straight nose? Or was it the curve of his mouth, with its chiselled lips? She couldn't decide and it didn't matter. It was the face she loved and she couldn't bear it if he turned away from her.

How can I make it all right again? That was her constant thought. I've done it before, when all seemed lost. That much was true and things were so different now. They were trapped in this house, and would be until spring. He couldn't physically leave her and she had time on her side. There were times when she was supremely confident, but then there were others, like now, when she was unsure.

"What do you want?"

His voice startled her. Last time she'd looked, his eyes had been closed, but now they were staring at her, with no warmth in their dark depths.

"You didn't come to bed last night, so I though I'd come to you," she kept her voice light with an effort and smiled briefly at him. "You obviously spent a better night than I did, I couldn't sleep."

He sat up and stirred the embers, adding more wood, coaxing the fire into life with a little help from magic. Once the blaze was to his satisfaction, he sat back in the chair and turned his gaze towards her. For what seemed like endless minutes, he said nothing, merely looked in her direction. She fought the impulse to fill the silence and eventually, he spoke.

"Well, Sonea," he said, "What do you want to say?"

"I was wrong, there, I've admitted it! I should have told you as soon as I found out I was pregnant, but I didn't because I knew you would prevent me from going with you to fight Kariko. I didn't want you to go alone, not after the last time."

She saw his lips curve briefly into that crooked smile she found so attractive and her heart lurched. It was going to be all right, she was sure. Then he sighed and she knew it was not going to be that easy.

"You have a knack of looking at me, just so, with big sad eyes and a sincere expression as you tell me your reasons for whatever it is you've done," his voice sounded weary and she wondered if he had in fact slept or stayed awake just as she had. "You promise not to do whatever it is again, that this time, you understand. And every time you succeed in convincing me…until the next time."

She started to speak, but he held up a hand to stop her, "I told you that night in Imardin, when we had this same discussion, I couldn't go on living with you like this." A bitter laugh escaped him, "I've dealt with kings, negotiated treaties and helped to prevent wars during my time as High Lord, but I have never been faced with dealing with something as difficult as you. It's like trying to catch water in a sieve, just when you think you've managed to get hold of some, it slips away leaving no trace behind."

She didn't know what to say. She could see things from his point of view. She was difficult, she did make rash decisions and she did tend to forget about the consequences of her actions both on herself and on others. There was a limit to how many times she could say 'sorry' and expect people to just go on with their lives as if nothing had happened.

All at once, she lost her grip on her volatile emotions and she felt the slow tears trickle down her face. She kept her head down, hoping he wouldn't notice, while she tried to control herself. Despite her efforts, the tears continued to fall at an ever-increasing rate so she was forced, at last, to cover her face with her hands to smother the sobs she could feel welling up in her throat.

She heard him move, then felt his hands pull her up out of the chair and into his arms. He stroked her hair gently and the gesture undid what little control over herself she had left. She sobbed nosily against his chest, her arms around him. She could hear him murmuring something, but she couldn't distinguish the words. He seemed content to let her cry.

After a while, her tears began to lessen and her sobs faded away. He picked her up then, and sat back in the chair, settling her in his lap, with her head on his shoulder. She heard the sound of the crackling fire behind her as the dancing flames created more light and she could feel warmth beginning to steal over her.

"It's all right, Sonea," he said softly. "There's no need to cry any more. It's a wise man who knows what he cannot change and learns to accept it."

She raised her face to look at him, "What do you mean?" she asked.

"I've had all night to think about you and me and the child," he replied. "You're unlike anyone else I know. You're infuriating, you're loving, you're fearless, you're childlike and you're wilful often all at the same time. All of these things together make up my Sonea; change one of them and you would no longer be the person I've come to know. I have to take the whole package, not just the bits I'm comfortable with…"

For a dizzy moment, she'd thought he was going to say '…the person I've come to love…' but as usual, those important little words she was longing to hear didn't cross his lips. She said nothing about that, though, merely laid her hand against his cheek.

"All of me loves you, Akkarin, even the most difficult and awkward bits. There isn't one part of me which doesn't want to be with you."

"I know," his tone was soothing, as if he was speaking to a child and for a second, she resented it. "Real life is not like the fairy tales we tell our children," he went on, "It's not as if we are traditional lovers who are going to live 'happy ever after' lives. I expect we'll continue to argue, and be angry with each other, and our lives will be full of ups and downs. And there is the child to think about now."

"Are you pleased?" she almost didn't dare to ask the question.

"Yes," his answer came without any hesitation, "I never once thought I would be a father and I suppose if I had stayed in the Guild, I never would have become one, but now it's happened, I am looking forward to being part of a family again."

She thought of their old life in the Guild. If no one had discovered the black magic books in her room, life would have gone on in its familiar path. By now, her noviciate would have ended, she would have graduated, chosen a Discipline and would no longer have been able to live in the Residence. What would have happened then? Would Lorlen and Rothen have really denounced Akkarin as a black magician? Would the King have had him executed or would he have ended up in exile, but alone this time, without her to help him survive? And would she have ever discovered her feelings for him? One thing was certain, he would never have indicated any interest on his part, no matter how strongly he felt about her. So perhaps she would have gone through the rest of her life never experiencing the depth of feeling and passion that she had for this man, holding her now so carefully in his arms. That thought of what she might have lost made her pull his head down to meet hers as she kissed him.

Yes, we are a family now, she sent, And we'll always be together.

His arms tightened around her, Yes, we will always be together. His mental voice was warm and she relaxed against him, her eyes closed and sleep which had eluded her all night found her at last.

It was some time later that something disturbed her and she opened her eyes, unsure for a moment of where she was. Daylight was filtering in through the shutters, creating bands of light across the floor. The fire was burning merrily and she was warm and safe. Akkarin's voice came softly in her ear, "Takan is awake and making breakfast. Perhaps you should get dressed?"

"We'll have to tell him about the baby soon," she said, unwrapping her arms from around him and getting to her feet. "What do you think he'll say?"

"We'll tell him today and find out!"

She went upstairs, taking a jug of water, which she heated to exactly the right temperature for a wash on a very cold morning. There was little in the way of choice as far as clothing was concerned. She took her woollen trousers, a thick shirt and her warmest jacket off their hook and dressed quickly. She pulled a comb through her tangled curls and stared at herself in the mirror. She couldn't decide if she had changed very much from the former Novice who had accompanied her former Guardian into the wastelands. Magicians aged slowly, so she couldn't expect to look older, but had her experience of an intimate life altered the expression in her eyes? Did her flesh look smoother and was there a bloom to her skin which wasn't there before? She shrugged. It didn't matter. Her future with Akkarin was settled. He accepted her, faults and all, and the Eye above knew how completely she accepted him. Life, from now on could only get better.

She turned to run back down to a very welcome breakfast, but as she did so, a sharp pain thrust through her core and she doubled over in surprise. The pain stabbed her again and she caught her breath. She stumbled back on to the bed and sat, hunched over, trying to breathe regularly, while she sent a trickle of Healing down to her belly.

Gradually the pain dulled to a throbbing sensation and she was reminded of what had happened to her during the struggle with Mikido and the pain his last strike against her had caused.

The child, she thought, Mikido's strike has damaged the child.

The pain faded and she was able to sit up. She sat still, horrified at the direction her memories had taken her. She had recklessly put her child's life at risk by engaging in a magical attack on the Ichani and something had happened during it, something which was continuing to cause reaction and pain.

I can't tell Akkarin! Her thoughts were jumbled, but that one was clear. They had only just settled their differences, which, she had to admit, revolved around her own behaviour, so how could she now tell him what she had allowed to happen to their child?

All the strange sensations had gone as quickly as they'd arrived, and she could almost, but not quite, persuade herself that she had simply felt a normal twinge, as many expectant mothers must have felt. She pushed the memory of the incident to the back of her mind. Nothing must show in her thoughts or manner. She walked to the door and set off downstairs. As she did so, she was miserably aware that, once again, she had something to conceal from Akkarin.