Leni sighed. By now, she had read and reread the document for several minutes. The more she stared at those letters, the less they registered as real words. There were only so many times she could read "Leni Loud" and "deceased" before they were meaningless sounds and a random assortment of letters.
Why was she even doing this to herself? It wasn't like reading it again was gonna make her feel better or change reality. What's done was done. It was a shame that her dumb brain couldn't accept that.
She knew she couldn't be holed up in this bedroom forever. As hard as it was for her to believe, others would actually stop and wonder where she wandered off to. To discover her in here like this would have been a disaster. From the puffy eyes to the paper she was holding, she wouldn't have been able to get a word in before their sirens would have gone off.
Leni didn't want to think of what would happen next. The thought of failing even at hiding her self-pity made her shudder. The others wouldn't be ready for it neither. And she wasn't about to lay that on their already overburdened shoulders. For once, she needed to take matters into her own hands.
Giving one last look at the death certificate, Leni discreetly slid it into her nightstand.
Now what, Leni asked herself. Perhaps a look in the mirror wouldn't hurt. Staring at the glass panel attached to the bureau, Leni sauntered to that little section, gradually gaining a more complete image of her face.
It could have been worse, she thought. Much worse. The few minutes she had to cool down allowed her face to somewhat return back to normal. Her cheeks bore a subtle blush and there were only several bullets of sweat scattered about. Unfortunately, there were other parts of her face that were...revealing.
Her eyes were practically swollen with grief; pink around the rims, pupils big enough to stick a finger in, and parts of her hair noticeably brushed about.
Why did she have to make such a big scene? Why couldn't her other big sister have lived so that none of this could of happened (none of it)? Leni was drawn to all the things that could have exposed her. She knew she couldn't just walk out like this. Drastic measures needed to be taken.
And if there was one thing she felt even a little pride in, it was her sense of fashion. What a time to put an otherwise trivial skill to use, she thought.
Leni glanced to her left and saw the box full of the makeup products her mom had gotten her for Christmas. She reached in and pulled out the "powder thingy". The pad used to apply it was still firm, making it difficult for her to squeeze with her fingers. Using her other hand, she pressed her thumb against the center crease, struggling to pry the container open. Her thumb burnt as the sharp plastic sunk into the skin. As it eventually flung open, the appendage still stung.
But that didn't matter now. Leni turned to the more pressing matter: her cheeks. Sure her complexion was flushed with pale, sickly shades of white, gray, and pink, but did it really call for this powder on her face? After all, she had only used it once in the four months since she got it: for the Spring Fashion Show. Was it really gonna make a difference?
This was the price to pay for letting her silly emotions get the better of her. Leni had no choice but to douse it on and see what happened.
She patted the white pad against the equally firm containing, allowing the tan particle to stick to the material. Once it was sufficiently coated, Leni stared full on into the mirror. Her eyes squinted from how disgusting she looked. Taking a deep breath, she slapped the pad against her face.
As powder dispersed in a murky cloud, Leni's eyes watered up again. By then, the sting has dulled. That was a good sign, or at least that's what she thought at first. She quickly realized otherwise when an eager year screeched down her cheek like a waterfall.
Sighing, she wiped it clean. Perhaps it was best to keep her eyes shut to prevent that from happening again.
It was more difficult locking the pad with the cheek, given the lack of vision. Through her closed eyelids, Leni fantasied herself transforming into something acceptable. She told herself that the more times she patted that powder against her cheeks, the less attention she would give herself. No one needed to focus on her today. This was Lori's day.
After she felt comfortable with the number of times she applied the pad, Leni fluttered her eyes open. Her cheeks were caked with the tan powder, working seamlessly into her skin's complexion. As far as her limited attention for detail could discern, Leni didn't see any blemishes left over. It would have to do.
Now she just had to deal with the eyes.
For once, the hair wasn't all that important. Compared to what else laid before her, a few brush strokes seemed mundane. But nothing in her makeup bin was meant to accommodate what was on the eyes (only what surrounded them). Leni knew that they were gonna be a dead giveaway.
She needed to do something she wasn't used to: thinking quickly. Leni had already wasted precious time fiddling around and attempting to paper over her mistake. It was only a matter of minutes before someone would have come up to knock. She wasn't ready to throw herself into that scenario. Leni didn't want to have to answer the oft-asked question "Are you okay?"
Giving a frantic gaze in the mirror, she remembered her sunglasses. There they were, just sitting on her head like a tiara. Leni had originally bought them because she thought they were cute, that the white would blend with her gentle blonde hair and pale red earrings. It was a soft color that was meant to go with her soft wardrobe.
And yet, that was the only thing she ever saw in them. Even on the brightest summer days, it never occurred to her to actually lower them to cover her eyes. There were only a few times where they accidentally fell on top of her nose, but they were just as swiftly propped back up. Those glasses were literally no more than a decoration.
She carefully lifted them out from her ears to examine them. The lenses appeared pretty dark, certainly enough to obscure her eyes from others. Maybe they could do that here. Of course, she thought it'd be best to test them out first.
Leni slid them back in from a lower angle. Her eyes squinted as they braced the close contact with the pitch black lenses. Once her hands became certain that they couldn't be pushed back any further, she stretched her palms, severing any connection to the plastic handles.
Was she blinking? If so, her eyes had tricked her into thinking she wasn't. But she couldn't see anything. As if by a snap of the fingers, all the light had gone out. Why didn't she hear the others complaining about the power outage? Where was Lana racing upstairs to get her tool kit?
Leni didn't want to move. As far as she knew, there could have been a box she didn't see for all the minutes she was whining. Leni wasn't in the mood to trip or bump into a wall (something she did more times than she was proud to admit). The best thing to do was stay perfectly still, hoping that Lana will come in to save the day with her amazing electrician skills.
No such moment came. Despite her self-imposed rule, Leni took tremendous liberty in moving her head, swiveling towards where she thought the door was. Maybe if she was facing that direction, then she could hear Lana at work or someone else trying to make sense of this unfortunate situation.
Especially Lori. How was she feeling? Was she devastated by this unfortunate mishap? Hopefully, the others were tending to her, hugging her, telling her it was gonna be alright.
Suddenly, the bridge of her nose flared up. It was an itch. Leni never liked having that tingling sensation, and yet here it was, cropping up on her nose. Her eager hand swiped up and scratched at it, bumping beneath her glasses to reach it. Rays of color radiated in that gap.
Leni froze. The rest of her vision was still black, but there was light in that tiny area, where her glasses weren't covering.
Really? This again? Leni sighed as she grabbed her sunglasses and pulled them out, allowing the light to re-emerge. So that was why she didn't wear these things like a normal person. Leni knew she should have learned her lesson by now, that she should have remembered all those times those shades fell over her eyes. And yet, she still couldn't tell that the room around her didn't change.
With that option out of the picture, Leni became hardpressed to find another way around this. Turning back to the mirror, she caught another glimpse at her questionable face. She leaned forward, trying to capture a detail image of what she had to work with.
It took some squinting and adjustment, but her eyes didn't seem that bad from this perspective. Maybe if she moved in a certain way and didn't draw too much attention to herself, her eyes would be fine after all. It was a gamble, yes, but she didn't have another choice. And no. Leni knew better than to try the sunglasses again.
Well, here goes nothing.
Propping her sunglasses back in their proper location, Leni pushed her feet forward. It was gonna be a real grind getting back down there, down where there were twelve other faces.
As she made the brief descent down the steps, she thought through some more how she would get around anyone that tried getting in. Leni told herself once again that it was a shame she let her emotions go like that. It didn't matter what this day brought or how much she remembered her beloved sister Leni. She needed to be there for both of her older sisters, no matter how much she had to push herself to keep her head high.
Maybe Lori would conclude that she had gotten better. Her biggest sister would take one look at her and think everything was fine, before returning to the more pressing matters.
As she reached the last two steps, Lincoln lurched out from the dining room opening.
"There you are, Leni!" He said cheerfully. Leni chuckled seeing his chipped tooth protruding from his upward-bent lips. She did her best to hold back the inevitable chuckle, "Hurry up! You're just in time for cake!"
Without making a sound, Leni followed her little brother into the dining room. Sure enough, Lori sat at one end of the table while the others huddled around her. A delicious chocolate cake rested beside her, burning several candles (though she was uncertain over whether there were actually eighteen on it).
As Leni slowly approached the cluster, Linky flipped the light switch, leaving the candles as the only thing providing any color to the room. This time, Leni was sure this darkness was real. She ultimately settled to stand behind Lucy and Lana, gazing across at Lori.
"Happy Birthday to you!" the others sang.
"Happy Birthday to you!" Leni chimed.
"Happy Birthday dear Lori!
Happy Birthday to you!"
The oldest child wasted no time in blowing out the puny flames. Everyone cheered and slapped their hands together while Leni noticed the little streams of smoke float up. Was it gonna start a fire, she thought. But then just as quickly, the clouds dissipated into nothing, much to her relief.
Now that the obligatory song was complete, Mom pulled out the knife and sunk the blade into the soft, gooey cake. Leni was instantly enamored from the perfect shade of brown, the ideal texture, and the magnificent aroma. Dad truly went all out in baking this delicacy just to celebrate the new "Ms. Mom" in the House.
Of course, the other siblings were gonna have a slice of their own. After all, chocolate was by far the most popular flavor of anything in the House. Aside from pizza, the craving for the sweet snack dominated every other consideration. One had to hide it in order to keep it from getting lost and Leni was no innocent in that enterprise.
But the question now was whether her stomach was ready for a slice of the saccharine product processed in a box before getting mixed with eggs, flour, and other stuff until erecting itself into a spongey, sticky tummy ache. And even more so, Leni knew she didn't deserve it. Cake wasn't for people that can't control themselves and it wasn't wise to reward bad behavior. Leni knew she needed to learn a lesson. Some lucky Loud was gonna be escatic to get a second slice.
Unfortunately, that was easier said than done.
The longer Leni saw the cake, the more attracted she became. She told herself to walk away, to pretend it didn't even exist. Her legs, however, said otherwise. As did her mouth, which quickly filled up with spit (it was gross, yet not uncomfortable).
"No! No! No! No!" was the mantra she told herself.
Each Loud got the cake. Luna got her's, then Lisa, then Luan, and Lynn. Leni knew this because she herself was in line, gradually nudging her way closer to the food. Her eyes never left it. What if someone looked up and saw them? Would they think she was fine based on those eyes? Did she look normal, she asked herself.
Next Lucy got her slice. Maybe now was the time to hop out. But Leni was there to also see Lana acquire her delicious, scrumptious, sweet, soft, perfectly baked cake. And before she could process what was happening, Mom was cutting slice and plopping it on a plate with a fork beside it. And then, there it was.
It was wonderful, immaculately crafted. Who who cares at this point? Leni gripped the fork and scarfed the cake down. The beautiful taste overwhelmed her mouth. The sheer bulk of it stretched out the inside of her mouth far more than usual. She thought she was gonna choke on this culinary perfection. In that moment, something sparked in her, as if it were trying to put something else back together. Perhaps it was cake this whole time. Yeah. Maybe she was just acting up because she hadn't eaten such a wonderful piece of chocolate. Love of the sugary sweet was practically in her blood.
Even though her mouth was packed with partially chewed cake, Leni was able to swallow it down in tiny pieces. It was remarkable how her gums were able to secure the giant mass while separating small segments. Leni remained frozen, her feet planted to the ground, as she gradually disposed of the cake. Each swallow provided a distinctly warm sensation as the yummy morsel slid down her throat.
As she downed the last piece, her entire mouth reverberated the sweet after taste. Leni knew there were no extra slices, but that little piece of heaven allowed the craving to claw its way to the forefront. Leni loved chocolate and it always made her so happy.
But this time, she felt a cramp in her tummy. She waddled out of the dining room to avoid further contact. The sweetness in her mouth was rapidly mutating into nausea.
"This is what you get."
Leni needed to sit down. And what other place to do it then the good ol' couch. Soft, accommodating, usually crammed with other folks seeking a little comfort themselves. It was the best she could have hoped for at this point.
But of course, there were already others congregated on each of the cushions. Leni would have to opt for either the floor or standing. Maybe there was a third option hidden, one that entailed hanging out in the kitchen. There had to be some others in there, so it wouldn't be weird or anything.
"Alright everyone! It's time for presents!" Dad announced.
The missing kids flooded into the living room, surrounding the couch. Leni stood there, trying to count everyone. There was no way it was everyone. Maybe Linky wanted to eat a sauerkraut sandwich. But sure enough, he was on the couch's far left edge. Perhaps Luna was holding a last minute rehearsal before her big birthday performance. A quick check, however, showed her clearly using the upper end of the upholstery to rest her arms.
There had to be at least other person, so that she wouldn't be an outlier. Leni realized it was a mistake to come back down here. She's gonna be exposed any minute now. She just knew it.
"Here!" Luan said, sitting next to Lynn on the carpet. She gave that adorable brace-filled grin as she patted the patch of fibers beside Here, "there's room for one more, Leni! Unless you think I'm just an ol' floor!" The comedienne chuckled to herself, "Get it?"
That was her cue. Leni hacked out several laughs before rubbing her eyes.
"Where do you come up with this stuff, Luan?" Leni asked between each attempt at a chuckle.
In her effort to sit down, her eyes inevitably wandered. She saw Lori squished at the center of the couch, boxed in. Leni noticed her long enough to see that she wasn't smiling. It was her birthday, yet here she was. She ratcheted up the laughter, making it louder and more emphatic.
"I make it up," was all Luan could say.
"I love it!" Leni shot back.
As the parents hauled each of the presents into the living room, the kids waited with bated breath. Just like Christmas, the long wait of seeing someone smile at your gift to them was over. Leni stared at the mound of gifts with bated breath. She instantly recognized her own, which was covered with a nice sky blue wrapping paper.
"Before we start, I want to make an announcement."
Everyone turned to the woman of the hour. Lori turned to Leni and gazed at her. While the lack of a smile was clear the first time, it was only then that Leni was allowed to see other things. Why was Lori looking at her like that? Her eyes will filled with longing, an appearance Leni had unfortunately dealt with not even a half an hour earlier. It was sad. Leni liked it better when Lori was happy, especially on her birthday.
"I think it's time I told you all," Lori said, taking the opportunity to give her other siblings some much needed attention. Leni tried her best to fit in, to stare at Lori while clinging to her words, "After a lot of thought, I finally decided where I wanna go to college this fall."
College. That thing that was once far off and imaginary was being discussed as if it were real, imminent, and tangible. For a few months, it seemed as if it had gone away, given how Lori had finished doing all those applications. Life seemed to return to normal. Why was it over so soon?
"I've decided to go to DePaul," Lori said.
As Leni's exasperated eyes widened, they picked up other curious faces. Most of the others leaned in towards their oldest sister to learn more. Even Lisa, whose face was as frozen as ice, tipped her glasses.
"It's in Chicago, so it'll be fun going to school in the big city," Lori explained, using her hands to articulate her enthusiasm, "and I'll be able to visit Bobby," she shot a look at Linky, "and Ronnie Anne. I know it's far away, but I'm excited!"
She then shot back to Leni. Even though Lori held a smile and a thumbs up, Leni tensed up upon meeting those eyes. They were still sad, as if there was more to be said. Leni didn't want to press her on it or to explain herself. She couldn't do any of those things. The most Leni could hope for was to express her support.
"I'm so happy for you!" Leni exclaimed as her body shot off the ground. Lori still didn't look happy on the inside. It was one of those weird things where even though she was smiling, she looked sad. And that got Leni sad. Worried, even. Well, not for long.
Leni bent forward and wrapped her arms around her sister. She tried her best to lower her chin as well, but she was too high up to reach Lori's shoulder. Instead, she mostly stared at the couch's upholstery with glimpses of others grinning at the sight of sisterly affection.
"We're so proud of you, sweetie," she heard Dad say.
Others surrounded the eldest Loud. Leni got nudged around my competing arms and bodies. It was through this troublesome effort that she realized that hugs weren't very comfortable when people were at different heights. Not that Rosy Cake (or for that matter, any of her family members) minded, however.
It was somewhat warm. Leni had always enjoyed group hugs. As the family got bigger and bigger, they became increasingly common. Hugging could have been a lot of things. A way of cooling emotions that were overflowing, a way of filling up when one was empty, or sometimes both at the same time.
This time, Leni wasn't sure anything was coming out of this. That little flutter her heart felt whenever she was in an embrace was absent. Leni was cold and empty on the inside, aside from strands of pain working up in her stomach. As she stood there idly, she wondered if it was just because she was doing it wrong. Her arms were perfectly wrapped around (Lori was kind enough to lift her back from the cushion). Maybe it was just because of the positioning. After all, the best she could do while standing up was sorta halfway from what she was accustomed to feeling.
That had to be it, she figured. She was just selfish that she couldn't get fully into it. Leni realized it was unfair to expect so much from her big sister, especially when it should have been the other way around.
Finally, the others pulled back to give Lori some space. By then, her lips were curling upwards and her eyes had softened. That was a good sign, Leni concluded. It was now her mission (and her's alone) to keep her family happy.
Dad practically dropped the first gift into Lori's lap. It was a small, brick-shaped box with white wrapping paper. Dad giddily bunched his hands into fists, barely managing to contain his excitement.
Ripping open the wrapping paper, Lori's face brightened. Everything stretched out as she picked up a small white box from the shreds of wrapping paper. While Leni was too far away to see all the words, her routine visits to the Royal Woods Mall has given her a pretty good idea of what the big fuss was about.
"Thanks Dad!" she said, smiling uncontrallbly, "you're literally the best!"
"My little girl is goin' off soon! She's gonna need a new phone to get by over there," he responded warmly.
"Thanks Dad!" Lori repeated.
"Open my next!" Leni blurted out. Before her mind could process what she was doing, she was on her feet, "Open my next! You'll totes love it!"
Leni stared at her gift within the pile. Luckily, it was easy for to identify between the indigo, orange, red, white, and brown packages. All her energy became transfused into delivering this one special parcel to her perfect big sister. The question of what was going through her mind didn't register. It was purely automatic. Wasn't that a function of normal people? To sometimes be able to act without thinking (and actually be right).
Upon yanking the blue present out from the stack, Leni raced to Lori and extended her arm out with the present on the end. Leni bounced in her spot, eagerly waiting for Lori to accept.
"Hold on," Lori said, nervously chuckling, "I'm getting to it..."
Lori's fingers closed around the gift's edge. Those eyes. They were like saucers, trying to use their size to jam in all the desperation and sadness Lori could muster. Even in a moment when she was being showered with gifts, the poor thing couldn't be comforted. Leni raised her eyebrows and stretched out her lips as she relinquished the gift.
She remained still as she watched her sister slowly undo the wrapping paper. Lori's head occasionally warbled as she tried to keep herself purely focused on the present before her. Leni, though, squeezed her fists and tapped her foot, imagining the reaction she expected to arrive at an unattainable future moment.
Sure enough, Lori softly smiled when she pulled out the product. It was a thin square plastic box full of navy blue mixed in with pink spotlights.
"The new Boyz will be Boyz album," Lori announced to everyone, lifting her head. After insuring everyone got their fair share of attention, Lori turned specifically to Leni. Her face wasn't marked with overwhelming excitement. And in the moment, there wasn't sadness either. Lori was mainly content.
"Thank you, Leni. That's very thoughtful of you," she said gently.
"That's what sisters are for," Leni replied. She widened her smile.
In the moment, the effort seemed to work. Lori got to her feet and hugged her sister back. Even Leni was surprised by the sudden gesture. It was a miracle that she didn't fall back from the intense force in which her older sister approached her. But in the end, Leni knew her mission was complete.
It didn't matter if she was knocked over. All that mattered was that her first sister was happy. Her second sister would have accepted all of it with open arms.