Things didn't go back to normal. It wasn't like they had morphed into something completely alien, something that Leni lacked knowledge of. But she could already tell that they weren't what they used to.
The strange part was that it wasn't every day that her big sister or one of her parents brought up college. In fact, there were plenty of days where people just woke up and went about their typical business. And yet, the feeling still lingered.
Leni probably saw it through Lori herself. There were days where they drove to the Mall together. On some occasions, the others were packed into the back seats and attended to their own (noisy) devices. But then there were times where it was just the two of them and the open road (or as open as they could get in Royal Woods).
Regardless of the circumstances, Leni noticed that her big sister was gripping the steering wheel more firmly than usual. It had gotten to the point where she could see white in Lori's knuckles, while the parts of the skin surrounding them blemished rash pink. Also, whenever they reached a red light, Leni found herself lurching forward as Vanzilla halted. There honestly couldn't be that many cats farting across the street, particularly at red lights.
And then there were times where Lori was just hanging around the House. While Lori was always fond of her phone, it had literally became a part of her body since graduation. From the time she woke up until falling back asleep, Lori had the plastic brick in her hands, either tapping at the screen or waiting for a new message from her "Bobby Boo Boo Bear". Sure, she hung out with the others, did her share of mundane things (particularly driving), but half the time when her phone buzzed, Lori became anxious. She tended up, as if she had an itch in the middle of her back. She was never at peace until she opened up her precious device and saw the latest text.
None of them really found the space to discuss the matter. Lately, Leni has been finding less reason to talk about her feelings. All it did was make Lori sad. She couldn't help but entertain the idea that maybe Leni could be helped, that somehow she could have her many problems fixed. Lori had to present it because it was the polite thing to do. And being civil was always the rule of thumb, no matter how insufferable Leni had become.
Leni knew she was broken beyond repair. It was obvious just how glaring her defects were, to the point where it was surprising no one had given up on her. Seventeen years was a long time to be involved with someone, even if it's purely out of obligation. Even as her older sister, Lori probably couldn't remember a time when she didn't have to be the more responsible one, to watch over and protect Leni from herself. When would it end? At what point would Lori stop pretending to be sad by the situation she was ultimately forced into?
Not sharing helped that. Sometimes, at least. It wasn't particularly hard to not discuss the topic. All she had to do was act like herself, which involved taking the path of least resistance. If any thought of getting serious emerged, her throat tightened shut. What would have been a casually flowing exchange of words turned into a monumental endeavor. And it was through shuddering at the towering wall before her that Leni had the space to bring herself back to reality. She was able to realize the cost of surmounting the wall and speaking outweighed anything else.
Lori may have been acting odd, but that gave Leni every reason in the world to not throw her own petty problems into that toxic mix.
Today was yet another scheduled trip to the Mall. Lori had specified some time in the afternoon, granting Leni plenty of her own time to settle some business of her own.
Leni popped into the bedroom. With this free time, there were two things on her mind.
First, there was money. Money had to come first, lest it got pushed back into the dark alleys of forgetfulness. As expected, the white parcel was beside her bed.
The inside of her purse could have been organized. A lot more organized. There was a green scarf bunched in there (one she hasn't worn since March), packets of unopened gum, an extra pair of sunglasses, a necklace she hasn't worn, pamphlets she doesn't remember receiving, and finally her wallet. Leni pulled out the little leather bundle and clicked it open.
A clump of green cash was readily visible along the top. Leni ran her fingers through the bills, trying to keep track of all the big numbers in her head. There were a decent number of 20 and 10 dollar bills, she thought. Perhaps there were enough to get herself something nice (and maybe something for Lori as well).
Remarkably, the cash pocket was the only neat part of her wallet. In a lot of ways, her wallet was just like the rest of her purse. Much of the other pockets were stashed with business cards, miscellaneous coins, wars of papers, and her driver's license was around there somewhere. Maybe she could even drive there today. It would be a nice favor for Lori, especially with the funk she has been in.
Slipping the wallet back into her purse, Leni's attention turned to her favorite possession: her sewing machine. Given the free time she had before her trip to the Mall, she figured she could start a new project. Even if it wasn't finished on the same day, it was something that could have kept her busy. And distracted.
Leni happily approached the machine and flipped it on. While giving it some time to warm up, she slipped open one of the drawers attached to the desk. What color was she gonna use today? And what fabric?
She was thinking plaid, a bit on the adventurous side. Even though she never wore it herself, Leni always thought flannels had their charm. Both boys and girls could have put one on and look great, especially in the fall and winter. Sometimes, she wished she had the look for plaid, to sport a nice fuzzy tree green and mulch red. But the rest of her wardrobe wouldn't allow it. Such was the curse of someone who cared too much about fashion.
Nonetheless, Leni took herself on the endeavor. Maybe she could give it to Luna. Her short brown hair and sharp face would have made her just right for something fuzzy. Besides, it could have worked with her skirt or rocker jeans. At this point, she had already measured her younger sister, giving her a good idea of what her proportions were.
With the plan in mind, she got to work. Leni knew she had to make the shirt at least several inches larger in case the outfit shrunk in the dryer. She took out her measuring tape along with her scissors.
But before she could start working, the door clicked open. Leni swung backwards, noticing Lori standing at the edge of the room. Her back was slouched forward and yet her shoulders were tightly wound back. It was an odd look. Was she stretching?
Most of all, it went back to the eyes. Lori gave her that same sad, desperate gaze that had troubled her for months. It was a strange day to be trying to get her to talk. Leni wasn't even sad herself right now; her troubles were a bit more distant, their knifes yielded back.
Leni noticed her sister inhale, closing those eyes as she did this. The exhale was large enough for her to hear it even across the room. While keeping her focus on her sister, Leni stretched an arm back, reaching for the off switch. She had a feeling that there wasn't gonna be any flannel making in the minutes to come. Everything had to be directed at her sister.
As hard as it was for Leni to fathom, she got the feeling that Lori needed her. For what was a question that was waiting to become apparent, for her simple mind to be spoon fed.
It wasn't easy waiting. Lori just stood there, breathing heavily as she ran through whatever complicated stuff there was. Leni braced herself and hugged the chair. This was important. And she held her own breath when her sister finally reopened those eyes. That terrible, draining gaze.
"Leni," she said softly.
The younger sister shuddered. Usually, Lori sounded so confident and commanding. No matter what emotion she was going through, her big sister was always able to convert it into something that drew attention to herself, that provoked some level of respect. But now, she came across as pensive, uncertain, and (dare she say it) scared at Leni.
Rather than responding, Leni watched as Lori made an awkward walk across the room, using one of her hands to clutch the opposite arm, which sagged like a wet towel. Her eyes even darted to different corners, trying to avoid her sister. Leni didn't blame her, of course.
"So..." Lori said, fighting to get the word out, "as you know, I'm gonna be leaving for college soon..."
"Yes," Leni said, nodding her head, "we're totes gonna miss you."
Lori took another uneasy breath before continuing.
"Well...I-uh um..." she said, placing her fist on her tight lips. Leni was only left to wonder what the hold up was.
"It's okay," Leni said, offering a smile, "you can tell me anything."
Such a statement was the best she could do at a time like this. Maybe if she had more preparation, she could have said something a bit more substantial. Obviously, it wasn't gonna make this apparent struggle any easier. If Lori found it easy, she would have already done it.
Lori sighed and let go of her loose arm.
"I want to talk to you about being the oldest," she admitted.
That was it. All the slumping, indecision, and clinginess was about stating a simple fact. It was rude to laugh, but Leni couldn't help but cheerfully grin, her lips curling to expose some teeth.
"What are you talking about? You're the oldest, silly," Leni replied.
Lori's face was like a rock. It was just as stoic and downtrodden as before. Leni did her best to rein in her own expression as she braced for the tranquil retaliation. It's clear it didn't click with her at all; Lori didn't even attempt to feign pleasure from it. And from Leni's experience, she knew it took a true shaker to knock off even the illusion of politeness. Leni realized she hit a sore point in her big sister.
"I know," Lori said, her voice even weaker. Leni felt a pang in her head. It was worse than she could have imagined. And from her big sister's face, the poor thing looked like she was on the verge of running out, unable to continue with this regretful talk, "but...once I leave, you will be the oldest. And you'll get to do all the stuff that," she paused to swish her hand around, "y'know...I did. You'll get to babysit and drive everyone around and other stuff..."
"Oh..." was all Leni could say.
Now that she thought about it, it did come across as a weird proposition. Leni in charge? Even when she got her license, Leni still very much believed and acted as if Lori called the shots. Every collective action, every word of advice, everything that was of value either came from their parents or from Lori. No one else.
"But," Leni said, trying to collect her memories together. There were quite a bit to sort through. Some of them were vague and indirect, while others were tidbits that emphatically exclaimed that Lori was the leader, "what about that stuff you said about babysitting? Didn't you say that you were the only one that could keep the House from, like, falling apart?"
"Well I did say that, b-"
"I'm not as good as babysitting as you are. The House is gonna fall apart and it's gonna be all my fault," Leni said. She saw the terrible image unfolding before her eyes.
Walls with brown stains and holes in them. Lola and Lana racing around the hallway in their little car, Lynn using plates for batting practice, Luan setting her ultimate prank: fire by overbooked pie. And while Luna woke up the neighborhood with her guitar shredding, Lucy was giving the pets their last rites. Lisa had Lily on a cold metal bench while she had some machine with electricity and chemicals spewing out of it targeted against the baby. Over there was Linky, inviting all his guy friends over with their mud and comics and craving for destruction.
And finally in the middle of this chaos was Leni herself. She tried to speak up, but her voice was too soft to be heard. Leni wasn't one for raising her voice. Unless she got excited or scared, she didn't want to sound angry. Angry wasn't Leni. And so, she was left standing there, waiting pointlessly for Lori.
"Leni, you'll be fine," Lori eventually said.
Fine? The reality said otherwise. Leni thought she was just seeing things. Yeah, she was gonna wake up in her bed. It was gonna be dark, but Lori's snoring was gonna alert her to where she was. That had to be it. She was too smart for this dream Lori.
"I know it isn't true. You once said that no one else could babysit but you because you're the only one that can keep the House from falling apart," Leni affirmed.
"Leni," Lori said as she brought her fingers to her nose.
"And I also know that you would never trust me to drive Vanzilla without you in there too!" Leni continued. She told herself this was working, "I may have my license, but so do you. And you would take up everyone's ride for free! You said that I had others things to do!"
"Leni..."
"And you know better than to let me help others. After all, you're so smart and kind that you always know just what to say. Without you, everyone would be sad and no one would know what to do when something went wrong. And I also know-"
"Leni," Lori said. This time, her big sister placed a hand on her shoulder. Just like that, Leni stopped talking.
There was that stare again. She remembered her name being uttered. And then Leni slumped forward. Lori had been trying to talk to her, but she had been interrupting. How rude, Leni thought. And now this was the price to pay. That, and the hand. It was probably the softest grip Leni had ever felt Lori exert. It was like her big sister was too weak to even be like her normal self. If this was a dream, then it was very weird at this point.
Lori took several more breaths. At one point, her head lowered. Leni didn't dare open her mouth again, out of fear that her perfect sister would speak at the same time. Now was the time to listen. Lori deserved that at the very least.
As her head rose again, Lori appeared more confident. She retracts her hand and brought it back to herself.
"I know I said all those things before, but there's something you should know," Lori said. Even her voice was regaining support. It was good, Leni thought, that her sister was getting more comfortable even within her own bedroom, "You may have noticed this, but I have been selfish with my power for a long time."
Leni leaned forward. Did she hear that right? She knew it was wrong to ask for clarification. After all, it was her fault she couldn't understand what Lori had mustered up so much courage to say. Besides, she should have understood since she heard the word "selfish" and "power" before.
Lori exhaled and lifted her hand.
"Look," Lori said slowly, "For a while, I have been sad too. Scared. I was scared that if you or Luna or someone else stepped up and did the stuff I did, that you wouldn't need me anymore."
"You're so silly, Lori," Leni replied cheerfully, "no one can replace you. We all need you."
"You do know that you will have to get by without me soon. I'm literally gonna be out of the House, a couple hundred miles away," Lori said frankly.
Leni sunk even further. How could she say something so lacking in basic knowledge. Of course she understood that. And if Lori's face was anything to go by, it wasn't pleasant. Quick. She needed to make her sister feel better. Anything.
"I love you," Leni said, "we all love you."
That got Lori to smile. Kinda. It was like a little U-shape on her lips. Leni could tell the shape existed more from contortion than driven by any particular feeling. But it was a start.
"Thanks," Lori said hesitantly. But then just as quickly as it appeared, that forced grin vanished, "but you need to know that what I felt wasn't good. This fear I had led me to think terrible things of all of you," she sighed, "there were times when I became jealous of you."
Leni's eyes widened.
"Jealous of me?"
"Yes," she replied sincerely, "because you're a lot better than me. You're great at sewing and picking out clothes. That's a talent that people can appreciate and I wish I had one just like you," she then paused to take a breath, "All I have is being the oldest, which means I can have responsibilities."
"Responsibilities?" Leni asked cluelessly. And what a horrible moment to lose track of the conversation.
"Things I need to take care of," Lori explained, "but yes. For a while, I thought you didn't need to worry about not having something to contribute. Everyone comes to you for fashion advice," she then crossed her arms begrudgingly, "even me. And on top of that, you're nice, caring, fun to be around, easygoing."
As Leni listened, she found herself in disbelief. Lori didn't know the half of it. Nice? Leni knew she had her own petty desires flowing through her mind, not to mention the impulses that she has no control over. Caring? Just in this "conversation", Leni had already barged herself in, interrupting her sister in a moment of seemingly complicated emotions. Fun to be around? Try bringing up something that wasn't clothes or Princess Pony and Leni would pretty much draw up a blank; so much for an exciting time together. Easygoing? Leni knew all too well how confusing and overwhelming life was. Between all the noise and seemingly random information, the fact that anyone could have moved through it comfortably was a mystery to her.
"Some days, I was so worried that they would choose you over me when it came to babysitting or driving that I just felt I had to do something about it," Lori continued, "so I started being tough. I thought that if I convinced everyone that I was their only option, then no one would ever think of turning to someone else to do the job, including you," she then paused. By then, her face was full of regret. Her eyelids were heavy, as if they were about to collapse, "So that's why I sabotaged your driving test back in the fall and why I told everyone that the House would fall apart if I wasn't in charge."
Lori crossed her arms again. But rather than being an expression of attitude, her wrists wrapped around her stomach and her hands clung to her back. It was like her older sister was trying to give herself a hug, to keep her own pieces together. Meanwhile, Leni was on her lazy bum, sitting in a chair watching everything fall apart.
"Wait a minute," Leni said, remembering something. Lori looked up at her, as if she was desperate for her words. Leni internalized this, realizing that her actions truly mattered. It was time to put the nice and caring label to the test, "there was that time when Linky stood up to you and, like, we went along with it. And then we, like, tied you in a chair and we did whatever we wanted," she shuddered as memories of that came back. She still couldn't believe Luan snuck a real spider in the House just to mess with her, "And then, like, the House fell apart. But then you swooped in and saved the day!"
And with a lift, Leni launched herself from her chair, standing up to Lori's level.
"We needed you, Lori," Leni said warmly, "you really are the only Loud that can take care of all of us."
Lori sighed. She wasn't smiling, not even in that compulsory effort she made earlier. Leni became troubled seeing this. Without a smile in sight, Leni thought the next step was to hug. Sure, it had only been two seconds since she finished, but the lack of an expression told her she needed to act. Now.
Leni propped up her arms, but Lori brought her hand first, using it to halt such action. She froze. Lori had never done that before, especially when someone was offering her a hug.
"You don't understand," Lori said, "yes, things did get crazy, but that wasn't just because I wasn't in control. Lincoln told me all about it. He didn't just let you do whatever you wanted," she then took a breath, "he practically added to it. When Luna was playing her amp, he turned up the volume for her. When Lana was making mud pies, he hauled more mud in the House. He didn't need to do that, but he did anyway. That's what made it worse."
Now that she thought about it, Leni realized how little she understood the logistics of that evening. Everything was so chaotic, that things became blurry. All she could make out was incessant noise, rancid odors, and terrifying sights.
"You're right," Lori said, "Lincoln did take things too far and that made the House fall apart."
Leni was relieved. At last, she was helping her sister see past whatever meanie was trying to make her all sad. Lori was too perfect to be sad, as was her siblings. And yet, Lori still wasn't smiling. Was this was a small step along the progression? With that grin face still present, Lori approached the closet and opened its door. Curious, Leni followed her into the room and watched as she pulled out her uniform.
"But I don't need this just to get you all to behave," Lori said, holding up the uniform up, "Look at it! It's a Halloween costume. This isn't even real leather."
Admittedly, she was right. Leni could sense the material was cheaply put together. In fact, several tears had even popped up, mostly along the seams.
"I'm not a drill sergeant and I've always known that I didn't need to be one,l. Mom and Dad are never this harsh or dramatic and things run perfectly fine," Lori said as she pulled the black shades out from the jacket pocket. She sadly swung the glasses around, staring at the plastic while she continued, "I just did it because I was scared," in a surprise twist, Lori chuckled to herself, "Now that I think about it, it was kinda silly putting this thing on every time Mom and Dad went out."
Leni stared at the outfit. Even though they were the same height, she had her doubts about fitting into that getup. Besides, store-bought costumes were rarely comfortable (she preferring outfits that she made herself).
"So I don't have to, like, wear this?" Leni asked.
"No," Lori answered, shaking her head, "In fact, I won't be wearing it either," she then exited the closet, still holding the costume by the hanger, "I'll probably sell it at the next yard sale. College isn't cheap and I could use the extra cash."
"Oh...okay," Leni said gently.
Lori laid the outfit on her bed and leaned back up. Despite this, she kept staring at it, gazing at the cheap material and emotional baggage it entailed for her.
"But back to what I was saying," Lori said. After another breath, she broke eye contact from the costume and turned back to Leni. She looked more calm, comfortable to be speaking to Leni, "for a while, I had a hard time dealing with this problem, of feeling useless in the family. It ate at me and I was constantly worried that people would stop coming to me for help," she then took a breath, "this past year, I was able to get past it. It was slow and hard, but do you know what really helped me?"
The silence was unsettling. Lori's gaze was piercing into Leni's psyche, trying to crack open whatever it was she was hiding to get it out. Leni, though, was not deterred. All of this was just a test, to see if she had any willpower. No one really cared about these feelings she harbored and she didn't blame them.
"I talked to Mom and Dad about it," Lori said assertively, "It was some time after that driving test last fall. I knew I had messed up badly. It made me learn that these troubling thoughts I had were not only damaging to me, but they could spread outward and hurt you. And that was unacceptable."
Lori paused to breathe again.
"So I sat down with them and told them everything. I will admit it wasn't easy and at times it was hard to think that I actually did it," and then, in a miraculous turn of events, the blank face she had contorted into a smile. This one wasn't forced or fake. Leni could tell it was one of relief, that it was the marker of accomplishment, "But at last, all of it was out there. When I finished talking, I felt better because there was nothing left to hide, that I wasn't holding it all by myself. And do you know how Mom and Dad reacted?"
Perhaps it was best to let her older sister answer her own question. Leni shrugged her shoulder, curing her for that perfect moment.
"They understood how I felt," Lori continued, that smile persisting, "they gave me all sorts of support and advice. We hugged it out too. Their guidance and love made it easier to move forward, to start chipping away at that nasty mindset one piece at a time. Mom and Dad didn't think less of me. They were proud that I was able to come out and be honest with them," she briefly turned towards the costume, wrinkled and powerless, "Looking back, I realized turning to them was the best thing for me. Now, it's easier for me to talk about my feelings and to be happy with who I am," to cap it off, she brought a hand to her chest,, "And I know I have people like you and our parents that will always be there for me. No matter what."
Turning back to Leni, Lori stared at her. Perhaps now was a good time to say something, to acknowledge that she had been listening.
"Okay," Leni said.
"Leni," Lori said. This time, she reached a hand out to her. She darted between her older sister's extended palm and the understanding face that was attached to it, "I'm not gonna force you to talk to Mom or Dad. And I'm also not gonna force you to seek help in some other way, but..."
Lori paused. From the uncertain look in her eyes, Leni could tell she was debating something. At this point, Leni knew she had to listen, to hear her out. The whole time, Lori kept her hand awkwardly jutted out, several inches from Leni.
"You can talk to me," she continued hesitantly, "I want to go off to college knowing that you will be safe."
"Safe?"
Her older sister flinched. Leni wanted to tell herself that it was a slip of the tongue, that she didn't mean for it to sound so drastic. Sure she didn't fully let into everything, but did Lori really think that she'd hurt herself? Or worse?
"No. Without her around, you'll probably do something stupid. A car accident? Yes. A finger caught in the sewing machine? Totes. Killing yourself?"
Now it was Leni's turn to be stunned. She knew what suicide was and she thought about how sad it was that people would do it. Despite knowing that she was a complete disappointment to everyone she encountered, Leni would never try to kill herself on purpose. After all, one of her many flaws was cowardice.
But what about dying on accident? There were few times Leni considered how lucky she was to survive seventeen years without losing her life. A quick investigation around the House revealed all sorts of traps for someone of her deficient capacities. A long flight of stairs, countless outlets, a garage full of weapons a serial killer would use, and a car volatile enough to speed off the road.
"Well...you know," Lori said, trying to recover. The protruding hand shook as her mind processed all sorts of ways to spin her message, which Leni found unnecessary, "It's just that...well..."
Leni remained still as Lori tried to find her way around this, but there honestly wasn't any point to it. But at the same time, Leni understood that interrupting was wrong in every way. Lori was the one to start the conversation, so she was gonna have every inch of her way on this.
A lot of it consisted of Lori gazing at the ceiling, embarrassed to even look at her own sister. That hand just kept shaking, like a baby that needs her parent to hug her. Recognizing her subordinate role in this interaction, Leni grasped the extended hand. Just like that, Lori froze. For a moment, Leni was feared that she was gonna start crying. That would have been beyond unforgivable.
Luckily (if she could call it that), Lori gradually lowered her head, no welling tears to be found. Leni really was lucky.
"It's that just that lately, it's seem like there's something I don't know," Lori eventually said after taking a sturdy breath, "All this time, I thought it was just because of...our sister...but now, I can't help but think there's more to it and I wanna know more."
What an unusual test, Leni thought. It was shocking to learn that Lori had problems of her own, ones that could simply be resolved like that. But then again, Lori could do anything. She was perfect, after all.
"Don't even think about it! You've had your chance."
Seventeen years was an eternity in messing up. All her tried were exhausted just learning the basics. And even then, she still didn't get the whole grasp of it. What type of person would she be if she reached out for help once again? Would Lori even trust her with all this stuff from babysitting to driving?
"Please Leni," Lori begged, "you don't have to do this alone."
The same thing went for talking. And making friends. And learning how the world works. What good was she if she needed someone holding her hand for everything? Mom and Dad. They must have wanted to do other things than to take it slow with her. It was her fault she held them up. Even now, all she was doing with her stalling was making her big sister sad. Lori could have used how ever many minutes she spent in here packing or learning something new about Bobby.
When would this unhealthy situation end? Leni told herself that she needed to dig herself out of this rut. She wasn't gonna leave Lori going off with just a sour feeling in her mouth. Not on her watch (or phone).
Leni shrugged her shoulders. That was something she knew indicated that she didn't know something. After all, how could she speak if she didn't understand?
"I know you're upset about something and I want you to feel better," Lori said, her voice filling up with worry.
Leni squirmed in her spot. Her big sister did sound pretty convincing. In fact, her mind did start to run through some grievances on its own, articulating raw emotion into intelligible words. Without even thinking about it, she was inching closer towards doing it. Leni was actually on the verge of vocalizing things she never thought would see the light of day.
"Stop!"
She caught herself just in time. Luckily, Leni hasn't opened her mouth or given any indication (as far as she knew). Lori just kept staring at her, as if nothing had happened.
It was with that shock that Leni recognized how selfish she was. There was a reason she didn't say those things. No one had time for them. Even now, Lori just wanted to feel better. And this wasn't gonna cut it, no matter how Leni chose to view it. On one hand, Lori could have been honest and merely laugh at her absurd claims, all while mocking her inability to keep unimportant matters to herself. But there was also a far more troubling prospect at bay. Lori could pretend to care, by setting herself on a mission to reform. Both of them knew it was a lost cause, and yet Lori would waste her time any way. She would make herself suffer just so that Leni could feel the horrific toll her selfishness yielded.
Leni shuddered at that thought. Either way, she knew what she was doing was wrong. It was never okay to force one's feelings into another, no matter how hard they became to handle. Once again, Leni told herself she needed to deal with it on her own. That was her debt to pay to all the kind, generous people that suffered so immensely for no gain.
And with that, she shook her head.
"I can't," Leni said, "I don't wanna talk about it."
She had done it. She passed the test of humility. But why was Lori still looking at her like that? As the two silently stared at each other, Leni tried to pick apart why Lori looked so sad. Maybe the test was still happening. What was next? Was Lori gonna try to get her to confess to her enjoyment of Princess Pony? There's no way Linky could have dropped such a hint to her big sister.
Leni rubbed her hand along her wrist, waiting for Lori to say something. After all, Leni didn't want to speak up herself, lest she let something slip out.
Eventually, Lori sighed. Leni perked up, hoping her sister would finally drop this charade and move on to more important things. She watched as her big sister gave her one last glance, one last chance to trip her up. This time, Lori was kind enough to not make it last. And then, she walked out of the room, leaving the door open.
Leni turned towards that passage to the hallway. For a moment, she thought that Lori really was upset, that something she did had hurt her. For real. Those pair of sad eyes did look pretty convincing, given their large size and glimmering light. As far as Leni could tell, Lori didn't appear to be using anything to fake it. She had no idea Luan was such a good acting coach for her big sister.
But all she needed was a shake of the head to snap back to reality. It was a shame how selfish she was, especially at desperate moments like these. Leni scolded herself for wanting her big sister to actually be sad over anything. And worse, if Lori was sad, then there was a goodbye chance Leni was double-charged with deception. She hated presenting herself as more likeable than she should have been. It was the cheapest form of dishonesty.
As she turned back to her sewing machine, all she could think about was how she was guilty as charged. The thought horrified her more than boys wearing jorts. But now, her work needed to continue.
Leni had never seen so many boxes before. All of them were packed in a special trailer the family had rented specifically for this occasion. There was barely any space left over once they were all accounted for. It made her wonder what it would have been like if they were in Vanzilla instead. There would have hardly been any room left for anyone, let alone all her siblings.
But remarkably, they got the whole package in one piece. Leni found herself stuffed in the very back with Lucy, Lisa, and Lana. Lori, the woman of the hour, was in the first row along with Lynn, Luna, and Linky.
It wasn't that her younger sisters were boring. They were perfect and every word they said deserved attention. During the long car ride, she did her best to follow what they were saying. Lana loved to talk about what the pets were up to, mixed in with occasional pleas to play in a mud puddle they passed by. Meanwhile, Lisa spent much of the ride discussing a book she was holding. All of it was long and remarkably detailed. Leni tried super hard to concentrate, to piece together each word.
But unfortunately, there were instances where she simply couldn't keep up. While some of the confusion was explained from her limited vocabulary, there were also instances where even ordinary words became garbled into an incoherent mess. Leni knew, however, that both instances were her problem. It was always her problem.
And then, there were long periods where Leni ultimately stared out the window. The scenery was barren on the road from Royal Woods to Chicago. Corn fields and cow meadows were the predominant feature on much of the route. While she heard the occasional protest of boredom from Lola or Lynn, Leni personally didn't mind it. Sure, there wasn't a single mall (or clothes shop) to be found, but for some odd reason, Leni found solace in the open space.
The way she saw it, the open fields were peaceful. She could see herself living there, eating the fruit that sprouted on the trees and vegetables that rose from the soil. Her days would be filled with gorgeous landscape, blue skies, soft grass, and gentle breezes. The lack of a Mall didn't even cross her mind. Nor did the need for a phone or a car or family. But then again, there was no sadness out on the farm. Leni enjoyed the simplicity of the dream. And for a car ride as contained as this, that was all she needed.
Eventually, the plains gave way to more familiar surroundings: neighborhoods, restaurants, and plenty of stores. There were cars riding alongside Vanzilla and people walking along the sidewalks. This gradually expanded; the buildings got taller, the traffic more congested, the people more hustling. Leni detected that this was the big city she had been hearing Lori talk about.
Chicago was like Detroit, only much bigger. The buildings were larger and shinier. The sights were more magnificent in their novelty. Leni also noticed a lot more White Shoes. It was slow moving across these streets without halting. And, of course, there was the noise. The perpetual, incessant sounds that clashed together into a roar. Even with all the windows closed, Leni could hear horns, shouts, drills, and music emitting from an invisible source. She couldn't believe that Lori chose here to go to school.
After an eternity, Vanzilla finally rolled into a viable parking garage. Of course, it was far from ideal. The spot they found was a floor beneath street level and there was only one narrow elevator. The only relief was that the garage was close to the dorm.
"Everyone out!" Lynn Sr. announced.
Given everyone's position, Leni was one of the last to ease her way out. Vanzilla's structure required her to climb over the upholstery, slumping her way around. The one thing to keep in mind was to not accidentally kick Lana or Lisa in the face. As far as she could tell, her foot didn't meet anything other than air and parts of the wall. At least she had that going for her.
The trailer full of boxes was intimidating. Upon seeing the collection, Leni knew she needed to act quickly, to decide which pieces to take before Dad decided for her. She took two heavy boxes stacked on top of each other. Judging by the lack of noise, she concluded that it must have been clothes (an odd thing to store in cardboard).
Next was the elevator. Given the small confines they were given, the family was forced to separate. Lori had gone up with Lynn and Luna for the first trip. Unfortunately, Lincoln was hauling too large of a load to fit in the first trip. Seeing him stand with a big tupperware box against the metal doors, Leni gravitated towards him. Perhaps he could use some company at a time like this.
"Hi Linky," she said, hoping to get a conversation going.
"Hi Leni," he answered warmly.
Before she could add anything else, she heard a buzz. It wasn't her. Her phone was sitting back in the car. That only left one option. Indeed, Lincoln pulled out his phone and checked the screen. Curious, Leni peered over at the text bubble. She quickly noticed Lori's name on the header.
"GET UP HERE RIGHT NOW!"
Was something wrong? Was there a fire happening or a meanie trying to hurt someone? Leni jerked her head back to Vanzilla. Everyone was just going about their business, lugging box after box out of the trailer. Did they not know the horror?
Just then, the elevator door opened. Leni hustled her boxes in the cramped space. As she cornered herself in the back, she anxiously watched her Linky pull his load into the remaining space. Watching him struggle to pull the heavy hunk of plastic made her regret setting up her boxes like impenetrable walls. He needed help. Lori needed it too.
He found a way, though. Linky was all packed in with his blue Tupperware against the control panel. He was even the one to hit the floor button. Admittedly, this wasn't the bonding experience Leni had in mind. They were only heading a floor up, plus it was crowded. It quickly became uncomfortable.
As the metal doors reopened on the surface, an impatient Lori awaited them. She tapped her foot and had her arms crossed. She practically hoisted Linky out of the space and dragged him out into the street.
Recognizing the deed that needed to be done, Leni came up with a clever idea. She stacked the cardboard boxes on top of the tupperware container. Sure enough, the top was spacious enough to fit both boxes. Leni's eyes widened as she realized she had done something smart.
Smiling, Leni gripped one end of the blue tupperware and pulled everything out. It was a heavy load and her bent figure limited her leverage, but it was the best she could do. Leni slid everything out of the tiny office space separating the elevator from the sidewalk, her back pushing the door open on her way out.
Chatter immediately filled her ears. Now that she was within proximity of others, Leni decided to give her arm and back a break. Leaning up, she noticed four familiar faces. Lori was smiling as she listened to her reunited boyfriend Bobby. Seeing them interact for the first time face to face in a long time made Leni smile herself. Their bond appeared stronger than ever.
But several feet away from them was Linky having a conversation with someone she vaguely remembered. Leni knew she had seen that face before, but couldn't put it to words. She was happy to be with him, though. Who wouldn't be? And Linky was smiling too, which made Leni even happier.
"Hi Bobby," Leni interjected, waving her less-tired arm.
"Leni! It's great to see you again," Bobby said with a hearty grin, "How have you been?"
"Great! Thanks for asking."
As he spoke, though, Leni couldn't help but peer at her little brother taking away. It wasn't Bobby's fault at all. He was wonderful. It was just that Linky's smile never failed to grasp her attention. And apparently, Bobby turned towards the two younger children.
"Have you met my little sister Ronnie Anne?" he asked gently.
What was she supposed to say? She wasn't too sure about that one time where she saw this girl, although it made sense that she was his sister. Why else would she be accompanying him.
But then she remembered the name. It took a minute to process, but at last a connection had been made. Lincoln had referenced a "Ronnie Anne" and how apparently, they were "friends". Of course, Leni was hardly the first to question that label, given his occasional blushing, persistent correspondence with her, and an overall bashfulness whenever the Santiago name came up. Linky always admitted that sub allegations were false. He really meant "friends".
"Yeah," Leni answered.
Observing the two continue to interact, there was some ambiguity in this question. Sure, they weren't hugging or kissing each other, but Linky looked very comfortable next to her (maybe a little too comfortable). That smile probably wasn't for show; she didn't even do that with Helen (or at least she didn't think she was).
As she thought some more, Leni heard the door open. Jerking her head towards the sound, she saw Dad emerge with two arms full of boxes.
"Hey Bobby! Long time no see," Dad said, sneaking his head around the cardboard.
"Same to you, Mr. Loud!" Bobby shot back. Several seconds later, his eyes widened at the tremendous load in his sight, "I've got some free time if you want me to help you with those boxes."
Lynn Sr. eagerly nodded his head.
"Sure! The more the merrier," he replied, "besides, it'll give you and Lori a chance to catch up."
Leni's mind was now confronted with a new challenge. She thought that Lori and Bobby had already been talking to each other, giving them that chance. How could Dad say they haven't done that? She was sure the answer was somewhere in sight, even though she was too embarrassed to ask anyone. But in the meantime, there were boxes to be hauled.
College was hard. Even with fourteen able-bodied people working together, it still took over an hour to transfer everything from the sub-basement parking garage to Lori's dorm. It was an endless routine and pulling her arm muscles, waiting to cross the busy intersection, and gazing at the same campus sites en route to the building. Leni didn't realize how much grass and trees there were at this school, despite being in the middle of the city. It was like Lori was going to school with the sights of Central Park.
Throughout the ordeal, Leni didn't find much opportunity to talk with anyone. Much of the time, her mind was left to its own tangents. She found that if she takes to herself, it made the chore go by a little easier (at least at first). Admittedly, there came a point where the monotony of the task outweighed any enjoyment she got from the ideas that popped in her head or the environment around her. Leni just wanted this cycle to be broken.
Once all the boxes were moved, there was a change. Now, instead of moving the boxes, everyone was tasked to remove everything inside. At least that had more variety than transporting boxes. As the team went about deconstructing the mountain of cardboard and plastic, they became grateful that Lori's roommate wasn't moving in for another two days.
Clothes took up the most space. Leni could have sworn that her big sister took virtually every shirt and dress in her closet (the exact answer would have to wait until they got back home). On top of that, there was makeup and hair products: shampoo, lipstick, rouge, eyeliner, conditioner, brushes, curl irons, and everything in between.
The other dominant feature were decorations. Lori had insisted on purchasing at least a couple when they went school shopping. At first, it seemed a simple Boyz will be Boyz poster would suffice. Indeed, Lori went out of her way to buy a nice big one for the wall. But then, a shopping bug fell over her. She wanted Christmas lights, just like she had in their bedroom, novelty coat hangers, signs, picture frames, and everything in between. There were about two boxes dedicated just to these Mall knick knacks. As Leni went about organizing them, she found herself thinking about Lori's roommate. The poor thing wasn't gonna have any room left for her stuff.
But this was Lori's day and she appeared to be reveling in every second. And who could blame her? She was with the love of her life again, plus a new and exciting city, plus a new space to call home. And most of all, Lori was starting a new beginning. A new dawn to finally be happy and to pick the life she desired. The only problem Leni had with that vision was that she wasn't allowed inside it.
At several points, Mom teared up as she was mugging various items to their respective locations. Leni did her best to give her the hug she needed at the earliest opportunity. It was uncomfortable to hear her own mother crying like that. While Leni felt no incentive to cry herself, she was unnerved, propelling into a situation she would rather not be. All she wanted was for all these perfect people to always be happy. Because deep down, that's what they all deserved.
It was an uphill battle, but at last, Lori's dorm was complete (save for that roommate). The entire family (including the Santiagos) huddled beside the doorway to gaze at their work. Between the store-bought sheets and decorations and all the personal items acquired from home, it was about as personal as a college dorm could get. Lori stood at the center of it all, smiling at all the love her family displayed in their monumental effort.
"Is there anything else you need, honey?" Dad asked, placing a hand on her shoulder. Lori turned to his loving face.
"Thank you Dad. You've done it again."
As the two joined each other for an embrace, everyone else inevitably joined in. After all, in a family as big as the Louds, group hugs were practically in each member's genes. Not to mention sentiments. Each of the siblings showered Lori with heartfelt goodbyes, all delivered at once. And yet despite all the "We'll miss you"'s uttered at once, Lori still found bliss in each one. Her smile widened.
"I love you all," Lori said softly as she rubbed one of her eyes.
And there was time for a second round of "aww"'s and hugs. No one was willing to leave so swiftly, not without getting everything out. Of course, Leni had the most togive. It was a shame that she was relegated to the outskirts of the clump, but she wasn't too insistent; Linky, Luna, and all the others had priority. Nonetheless, she smiled eagerly and never took her eyes off her beloved big sister.
Reluctantly, each of the Louds (plus the Santiagos) filed out of the narrow doorway. After all, Vanzilla was waiting for them in a parking garage that charged them by the hour. Similar to custom, Leni yielded to the younger siblings, allowing them to exit first.
As she slowly inched her way towards that door, she felt a tap on her shoulder. Leni turned to see her big sister smiling. Her eyes were filled with hope. That, of course, was always a good sign.
"Remember what I told you," Lori said warmly.
Now was her chance. If there was any opportunity to send a message of her own, Now was the time. Lori was just standing right there, easily huggable and easily persuadable. Was this the setting to initiate a hug, to force herself upon Lori before she entered her paradise? Leni loved Lori and she wanted to show it, but today wasn't about her. It was never about Leni.
Instead, Lori was the one to lurch at her with open arms. For once, Leni was able to feel warmth. Lori truly was too nice for her own good, she thought. But, in her usual selfish tendencies, Leni accepted the hug. It was fuzzy and sweet, which her base instincts couldn't help but indulge in.
And it was over too soon. As they separated, Leni was haunted by her big sister's perpetual smile. How could she still be like that? But then the answer became clear. And Leni wasn't one to spoil a good mood (or want to).
She silently waved at her big sister and filed out, following the family in front of her. As she struggled to catch up with the others, Leni realized that Lori had now gotten to the place where she always wanted, where she could finally be happy. Sure, Leni was now gonna be alone in her room at night, but that was how it was supposed to be.
And then? All her younger siblings and her parents. They were gonna be stuck with her all the way home. That wasn't right. It was never just. She realized that more needed to be done about this, more than just her sitting around never doing anything.
"Don't worry everyone. This time next year, none of you will need to deal with me anymore."