Chapter 38
Iuterpi – Thank you for saying that. I am always concerned. Puck's decision to go to NY is not going to look good to everyone though so he needs to really think about it. Quinn was brace and Rachel was her motivation but Quinn needs to think about helping Quinn if she is ever going to get better. Paintball was fun and Quinn is going to be upset but she will have to get better first both physically and mentally before she can do some things. Thank you for continuing to read and review the story.
GracieSunset- Well thank you for being obsessed and loving my story. I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint. Thanks for the review.
amandaes417 – Yes you are correct Rachel will regress but hopefully the regression won't be too far because she is in therapy currently and she has all of her family there with her, but unfortunately she will regress. Only Sue could come up with a wonderful idea of paintball and I am sure before these weeks are out she will think of more wonderful things for them to get their anger out. Thanks for reviewing.
Janie – Thank you for saying that because sometimes I try to move the story along and I get caught up with some details that I think are needed so thank you for saying that the timing is ok. The cast is very frustrating for Quinn and she will need help – the question is will she ask for it? Rachel can't get out of the car because she is regressing and just wants Santana. Q- bear is a nice add but wait until Quinn hears it. Not sure she is going to like it either. Thanks for the review.
Anon 2.0 – they saw him get caught but it is not the end of it. Thanks for the review.
A C one – Hopefully Rachel wont regress that much but she is regressing – thanks for reviewing my story.
Harley – Jackie will be told about Judy. Quinn and Rachel have been severely traumatized and threatened so what people think is the normal time that they should talk you have to consider that one was brutally abused as a baby and the other was brutally abused just 3 months ago both by family members. Trust is very very hard for these girls. Thanks for your review.
Anon – Thank you – I didn't really get into Fran giving Quinn punishments but I can tell you that she got Quinn in more than her fair share of trouble so Quinn received punishments based on what Frannie told people.
Renata – I am so glad you saw Lea! That is awesome. Wow and you saw Dianna and Cory too. What a great trip for you! Suzy Pepper is a victim you are correct but she has been manipulated by Mr. Shue for a while now so it will take some time for her to stop defending him. The girls will be intense therapy to get those voices out of their heads. Santana got her revenge on Ruth but going back to school could bring a new bunch of issues. Thanks as always for reviewing.
Stace – My trip was good but short – thanks for asking. It is very frustrating sometimes because it would make life so much easier if they all talked, however, with Quinn – talking has never gotten her anywhere so that is not going to happen, Rachel was too scared to lose something that she desperately needs and Santana is more about action than talking. Noah you will see in this chapter also has held a lot in and its not good but they are kids and that's what a lot of kids do so it is not unusual.
Ellybelly07 – Turning tables started it for me and gave me ideas – I liked the story and the concept. I am glad you found my story though. There are many more chapters left to this story I can't give you a figure because sometimes the chapters just take on a life of their own when I start to write them. But I have thought of doing a sequel so I don't have answers to your questions yet. My intentions though are to see all the kids face their tragedies and move on and be productive and Shelby to be happy once again. Thanks for the review.
broadwaybound2016 – If you liked how much of a mom Shelby was being to Quinn in the last chapter I think you will love this one even more. Thanks for reviewing.
StormHallow88 – Quinn loves Rachel like a sister and a sister she never had so it will only grow more and more. Santana has started to let Brittany in and is finding out that it doesn't hurt as much to let people in. Thanks for your input. It makes my day!
SuzyPepper – Santana and Quinn will help Rachel but they need to help themselves as well. Rachel is slowing shutting some people out so she will have to open back up again to continue healing and talking to the rest of the family that loves her so so much. Thanks for the review.
alopez208 – This chapter is another emotional rollercoaster. Get the tissues ready some of this made me cry. Thanks for the review.
Abbie – Puck is definitely planning to travel to see Hiram – will he make it? That's the question. He didn't really turn himself in – he just was beyond cocky that he could get away with it. It was his own stupidity that caused him to get caught. But I don't think this is the end of him and his evil ways. Thanks for the review.
Cookie07 – a friend of mine told me that it is a call that no mother would ever want to hear. It was a tough write too. Sue does love all these kids but she cant show it the way other people do because she is Sue. Noah is up to no good – will he be stopped is the question. San will be getting more therapy for her anger. She needs it and you will see this chapter. Thanks for your support.
Piper – It is truly a terrible thing for any mother to hear. Shelby is incredibly strong! Rachel will have the support and love of her family it will be tough but she will pull through. Thanks for the review they are always welcome.
look4me – Shelby loves Quinn like her own and Quinn will see it more this chapter. Noah does see Quinn like his sister now and he will be the big brother she never had – she may not want it at times but she now has it forever. The Corcorans are a mixed race. I never really said what exactly but I always pictured Idina and Taye Diggs as Shelby and Leroy. So the kids are light skinned some darker than others. The nurse knew that Shelby was the mother because of the hospital records and situation not by looking at her. We shall see if Shelby adopts Quinn – she has to get through the trial first. Charges will be brought against Judy as well but she most likely will not be held in jail like Russell because of the nature of the charges – hers are not as serious – even though it is abuse. It doesn't mean though that when she finally goes to trial for assaulted Quinn she wont get jail time. Don't worry I never mind answering the reviewers questions. I love them! Thanks for reviewing.
M.U.L.E – Quinn did do extra curricular activities especially when she was older because her parents did not want her just hanging around the house. They did not attend anything that she did and certainly never ever told her that they were proud of her. They may have bragged about her at the club to other members but it was only to make themselves look better. The weekends for Quinn were not that good because she was busy doing chores then church and she basically had no break unless they were so drunk or at the club where they did not have to deal with her. Quinn is going to struggle a bit fitting in to the Corcoran style but having a mom like Shelby she will be ok. Thanks for the review.
SuzQQ – I am glad you like the pace. Paintball was needed for this crew though. Aggression with some fun added it was needed for them. Quinn isn't ready for any type of relationship yet whether it be Sam or someone else, she has to love herself first and foremost and she is not there yet. Rachel will regress but keeping it to a minimum is what everyone will try and do. Noah and San's reaction is in this chapter and will continue so hold on. As always thanks for your review.
Dave Green – Rachel couldn't get out of the car because basically she did not want to move. She was shutting down and she wanted Santana it was nothing physical. Thank you so much for the review and I hope you enjoy this chapter.
Brittana100 – I think this chapter is sadder so get the tissues. No Brittana in this chapter but trust me it is coming – it is a focus of this story as well. Thanks for reviewing.
Shauna – Don't apologize for not reviewing I know people are busy but I do love the reviews! He did get caught but will he remain in custody we shall see. Will has been watching Rachel for a long time – longer than Quinn I think that will come out during the trial. Hiram and Judy do suck big time. Shelby has and will continue to have a strong support system. Thank you so much for your kind words. If I knew how to stop abuse from happening I would do it in a heartbeat. We can only look for signs and hope we catch them when we can.
NinjaGleek21 – So many cookies ! Thank you so much – sorry I didn't torture him too much for you but its not over so …..
sillystarshine - Yes we did catch but he is slimy and sneaky so it's far from over. Thanks for reviewing.
lovecanbesostrange – Wow I absolutely loved your review. You brought up so many points. I loved reading the detail you put into the reviews. Quinn is going to have to face her demons soon and right now they all can see that she is addressing some of her issues by doing it through helping Rachel – that's a start but she needs to work on it or she will be stuck. Thank you for telling me it is not dragged out because sometimes when writing the chapters I notice that we have barely moved out of the same day and I always wonder if my readers are telling me to pick it up. So thank you again for the positive reinforcement that the pace is ok. We will see soon what Noah has going on in his head. He feels so badly that he just needs to do something. As always thanks for the review.
Ryoko05 – Shelby knows that Rachel asking for only Santana is a sign of her regression and frankly as much as Santana would do anything for Rachel it would not be good for Santana either. So Shelby being the mom has to be the one that steps in now and stops it before it gets worse. Giving in now would do more damage. She was waiting and expecting Rachel to regress that is all that pause meant. You and a lot of people vote Nay on Noah going to NY but I am not sure that will stop him. If Quinn had been healthier I think she would have gotten a lot closer to Will – thankfully that didn't happen because it wouldn't have been pretty. Thanks for the review.
marinka4 Just a warning we are not done with Will yet so hold on. Santana needs to keep working out her aggression so paint ball was just the answer. Thanks for the review.
Drea LuRuiz – My trip was short but fun thanks for asking! If you cried at that chapter then you will cry for this one too. Get the tissues – thanks for the review.
TommyH – More Sue in the next couple of chapters too – they need her to work out their anger. Thanks for reviewing.
Kimberlli – Please send audio next time of the sound that you made, I would love to hear it. Yes one can request spoilers but do you really want them? Thanks for the review – I hope you like.
OTHangels – Hope you like this chapter. Thank you !
A/N: this chapter was supposed to be long (as always) however, I'm moving to a new apt tonight. so I knew I wouldn't be able to post as least until Thursday night. Therefore, I thought something was better than nothing. Please let me know what you think. Thank you for the endless support.
Shelby looked at Rachel in the back seat. She felt stuck in that stage of panic that she radiated through her when she first got the kids back. It was the feeling where she not only dreaded but expected with open arms: She waited for the moment that her children pulled away from her and turn to each other not just because of trust but because of instinctive necessity. Everyone else had let them down; all they had was each other. She had spent eight years trying to rebuild that. She knew that Rachel was reverting back to her instincts, forcing Shelby to reinforce the the foundation that she didn't realize was weak.
She went around to the other side.
"Mom!" Rachel sobbed, reaching out to her.
"Rach, I'm right here," she said gently as she climbed into the back seat. She looked at the girl. She kissed her on the top of the head and Rachel leaned into her side as she wrapped her arm around the crying body. "Sweetheart, you cannot stay in the car."
"I don't want to," she cried. "I just..." She shook her head and looked up at her mother with big tears. "I'm sorry."
Shelby pulled her towards her. "You have nothing to be sorry about, Rach. Let's go inside."
She shook her head frantically. "No," she whispered into her chest. "I want Sanny."
Shelby sighed. Her eldest daughter was forced into that role years ago. She hoped some day that they would see why she didn't give into Rachel's request. She wasn't willing to give into that. She was the parent and Santana wasn't; simple as that. It wasn't about being the good guy or the bad guy. It was that she was a mother and Santana wasn't. She needed to preserve the last piece of innocence Santana had left. Yes, they needed each other, but they were reverting back to their instincts.
"Bug, San is inside, but -"
"Please, Mom?" Rachel asked. "I... I... just need her."
"And you have her, Rach. She's in the house, Rachel, eating lunch. Let's go join her." Shelby knew there could be a slew of reasons why Rachel didn't want to get out of the car, the simplest being that she didn't literally want to move forward. All she could do was stay still.
"Rachel," Shelby said again in an even tone. "We can't stay in here. Come on. I know you're scared, but Mommy is right here and we'll be okay." Shelby climbed out of the car and held out her hand. "Come on, bug."
Rachel shook her head frantically. "I want Sanny."
Shelby watched as her youngest looked down at her hands and started to heave. She shook her head. Shelby watched her wanting desperately to know what was going on in her young mind and wishing that she wasn't stuck in that room with two different men who had turned her life into a struggle, but knowing that was exactly where she was.
Shelby had to deal with several parents who asked her frequently why their children did the things that they did. Rarely, did she have an answer. Professionally, she was comfortable. However, sitting in the back of the Prius with Rachel in a state of panic, she couldn't stop her mind from searching for an answer. She always told her parents that children felt the same way as adults. It was the expression that was typically different, but, sometimes there were no explanations. They just did what they did because of instinct.
Shelby wrapped her arms around Rachel, reminding herself to be in this moment instead of trying to solve the problem.
"Mom?" a voice interrupted her thoughts.
Shelby looked up behind her and Santana stood hesitantly in the doorway from the mud room. She could barely see her because part of the living room furniture was blocking what used to be the spare space in the garage. She watched as Santana looked with wide eyes at Rachel. She opened her mouth trying to form words. Shelby heard her mother come to the doorway, attempting to beckon Santana back inside. She leaned closer to Rachel.
"Bug, I'll be right back." Rachel shook her head and Shelby took her small hand. "I'm right here." She looked over her shoulder towards Santana and in a soft and gentle voice she said, "Go back inside and check on Quinn."
Santana looked at her briefly and then looked back at Rachel. "She's ..um... She uh..." she finally realized she was stuttering. "She grabbed a blanket and she's laying in the corner...She's crying... but not loudly... just... her eyes..."
Shelby took a deep breath and gave Santana a soft smile. "Go back inside," she said, spotting her mother at the door again. "Get the bed ready okay, for you and Rach and then help Nana with dinner."
Santana looked at Rachel, haunted by what once was and its return.
"Santana," Shelby said again. "We'll be right in."
The girl nodded and disappeared with her grandmother back into the house. "We're going inside, honey."
Rachel let out a small whimper. Shelby reached down and took Rachel in her arms. The girl instinctively wrapped herself around her mother but sobbed quietly. "I …. I... I'm sorry."
"I know," Shelby whispered as she closed the door and carried her youngest into the house.
Noah saw her and walked to her. "Want me to take her?" He was waiting in the mudroom for them.
"No, it's okay," Shelby said softly. "In the trunk of the Prius is my bag. Can you grab it and lock up the car?"
Noah nodded and disappeared from sight. Shelby went into the family room with Rachel in her arms. Her mother approached her with her arms out to take her. Shelby shook her head, signalling that she had things under control. She knelt by Quinn with Rachel still in her arms, silently thanking her trainer for all of the squats she was forced to do. Rachel gripped onto her tighter. Shelby rubbed her back soothingly and hushed her.
"Quinn, you'll rest in a bit. You need to shower, eat and then sleep." The blonde didn't look up at her at all. Shelby's own tears began to cloud her vision, "Be right back, Quinn."
Shelby stood up with Rachel still in her arms. Santana leaned over and kissed the girl softly on the temple. Rachel let out a tiny whimper, but didn't pull away. Shelby carried Rachel up the stairs and into her master bathroom. Noah emerged with her bag and Shelby gave her son a nod as he headed back out, his eyes lingered on Rachel. He set a nightgown on the large sink counter after a few moments. The mother felt a pang in her heart about how her son knew exactly what Rachel needed.
"Ma, do you need anything else," he asked quietly.
"No, bud," she said with a soft smile. "Thank you."
She watched as her son exited the room. She turned to Rachel and set her gently on the closed toilet. "Rach-"
"I want Sanny, Mumma." Rachel shook her head.
"I know, bug, but we need to clean you up. Okay? Then you can go downstairs and snuggle with Sanny." She gave a sigh and looked at her exhausted child. "I know you're hurting, honey. I'm going to help you, okay?" Shelby's heart broke as Rachel began to cry softly. "Rachel, you need to shower. I am taking off your shirt." Shelby glided her sweatshirt off. Her incision sites were still raw and red around the bandage. There were scratches still on the front of her body and marks where he had held her down. She slowly removed her shoes and socks and then guided Rachel to standing. "I'm going to take off your bottoms okay?" Rachel whimpered as the sweat pants and underwear they received from the center were removed. Shelby felt a pang in her chest as she looked at Rachel's bruised underside. "Rachel, I need you to sit on the shower seat and Mommy will be super quick." She gave a tiny nod. Shelby reached over and turned on the water. She peeled off her jeans and t-shirt and wrapped her arms around Rachel and brought her into the shower. Rachel let out a small sob when the water hit. "Shhh," Shelby whispered. "Really quick." As she washed Rachel's hair, Rachel didn't look at her, her eyes trained down. She barely moved. Even though the water fell around them, Shelby could still see she was crying.
Shelby looked at her as she rinsed out the last of the shampoo, searching for a response. her heart ached deeper in her chest as she washed her daughter's exhausted, bruised and worn form. She removed the bandage over the incision site slowly, bracing herself for another cry. There was nothing but a muffled whimper. She knew she needed to wrap up. The silence was killing her. Shelby didn't realize that she missed the sobs, but she missed them. Turning off the water she grabbed her robe and tied her own body in it. She wrapped Rachel's large pink towel around her and kissed her softly on the head as she climbed out. She carried her across the hall and into Rachel's bedroom. She turned to run back to the bathroom to get the paper bag that she retrieved earlier and her son was standing at the door waiting to give it to her. His eyes glazed in shock and anguish at Rachel sitting on the bed wrapped in a towel.
Shelby put her hand gently on his cheek to bring his attention to her. "Thanks. We'll be right out okay?"
Noah nodded idly as Shelby took the bag. She retrieved the nightgown Noah had picked out for Rachel to wear and gently put it on her. She opened the paper bag and pulled out the cream and applicator and a clean bandage and ointment for her incision. The child didn't move as Shelby dried the incision site and put on the ointment and new bandage. She put the items aside and pulled the applicator from the package. It was be uncomfortable at first but it would insert the cream that would help heal and sooth Rachel's internal discomfort and pain. Rachel's eyes widened at the sight of it, remembering when the doctor put it in at the hospital. Shelby hated herself for being grateful that something got a reaction from the girl.
"No," Rachel whimpered beginning to cry again and shake her head. "I don't need that."
"Honey, it'll make you feel better and it'll help it heal. Lay down please."
Rachel conceded but did so with a small cry. The door opened slightly. Shelby turned at the noise and saw George sticking in, being held by her son's hand.
"I... uh... um..." he stuttered from behind the door.
She smiled and went to the door. "Thank you, sweetheart," she said gently. She looked at her son with gratitude as she took the stuffed animal and closed the door. She offered the stuffed animal to her daughter and Rachel clung onto the monkey desperately. Shelby talked her through the process as she inserted the cream's applicator. Rachel let out the loudest sob yet. "I know, baby bug," she said to Rachel's soft cries and whimper. "I know. Mommy's right here. You're doing so well. We're almost done." Shelby finished and helped her sit up, grabbing from the bag her last supplies. "You have a choice," she said softly, pulling Rachel into her arms. Her big eyes looked at her questioningly as she gripped her monkey. Shelby wiped her tears. "I know that stuff is a bit sticky and you won't like it, but it needs to be there to help you heal. You can wear a pad and a pair of your own underwear or you can wear a Pull-Up." Rachel pointed to Shelby's hand that had the underwear. She helped Rachel into the last of the clothes and pulled her into a gentle hug.
She gave Rachel a wide smile. "You did fantastic, Rachel," Shelby smiled. "I love you so much."
"I love you too," Rachel muttered into her shoulder, still clenching onto the bear. "Mumma, it's wet. I don't like it."
"I know, sweetie," she muttered. "We'll keep it as dry as we can, but you have to give it a chance to absorb. Let's go find Sanny."
Shelby guided Rachel into the hallway. She saw Noah standing in the hallway. He was leaning, exhausted against the doorframe but stood straighter once he saw them. Rachel walked gingerly over to him and lifted her arms as he simultaneously held his to lift her.
"Watch her left side, Noah-"
"I got it, Ma," he said as they descended down the stairs.
Santana was waiting impatiently in the family room next to Quinn who looked as if she could be inside of the wall itself she would be. The brunette's eyes widened. Shelby watched as she whispered something to the blonde before she stood up.
"Give her to me," she said in a forceful whisper to her brother as Rachel reached out to her.
"Mom, try to feed her something please and then she and Santana need to lay down," Shelby said to Helen
"Rach?" Santana asked as she rubbed her sister's back. "You wanna eat something?"
Shelby watched as her mother disappeared with Santana and Rachel around the corner and into the kitchen. She walked to the blonde form in the corner. "Quinn?"
"Go away," she said into the blanket.
"I will after we're finished. Come on." Shelby took a breath and knelt down next to her. "Either you walk upstairs with me or I carry you up. Your choice."
Quinn narrowed her eyes. Not for Shelby, but her body. She didn't remember the last time that she took a shower. The days were never ending. She braced the wall as she slowly stood. A hand reached out to her. She looked up slowly and Noah was looking down at her.
"Go away," she hissed.
Noah took a step back.
Shelby looked at her son and said, "Thank you." Quinn struggled to stand, but stood herself. "If you would like to help-You can go grab a shower yourself or a bite to eat-"
"I want to help," he said quickly.
"You can make Quinn's bed," she said signalling to the blankets on the floor.
"I'm not getting into that damn bed," the blonde groaned under her breath as she held onto the banister of the stairs.
"We'll see," Shelby said as she wrapped her arms around Quinn's waist and guided her up the stairs.
"I can do it!" she spat.
"You can't. You're hurt. I'm not letting go." Shelby held Quinn and they made their ways upstairs.
It took five minutes but they were finally in Shelby's master bathroom. It was a trip that typically took seconds. Shelby turned on the water in the shower and grabbed the paper bag from the hospital and pulled out a cast bag.
"What's that?" Quinn asked.
"It's a bag for your cast," Shelby said simply taking Quinn's fingers of her casted hand and putting the bag on. "I'll be in here to help you, but I'll give you your privacy." She took a deep breath finishing up with the bag. "When Santana broke her arm it was very hard for her to wash her hair. If you would like you can wash yourself and then we can wash your hair in the sink.-"
"I'll be fine," she said quietly.
"Alright," Shelby sighed. "I'll let you get in and I'm going to change myself." They looked down at her damp robe. "I'm going to come back in though. We need to get you in bed."
"I'm fine."
"You're not, but we aren't going to argue. I'll be right back. You best be in that shower when I get back," Shelby said disappearing into her bedroom.
Shelby returned to the restroom dressed in yoga pants and a NYU t-shirt. the large shower door was blurred naturally with the pattern.
"Quinn?"
"I'm fine," she spat from the other side. "Go deal with Rachel."
Shelby leaned against the sink. "I'm not 'dealing' with anyone, Quinn. Right now I am with you. Would you like some help?" She could see the blonde through the blurred glass gripping the bottle of shampoo.
"No."
She sighed and folded her arms. "Don't forget to take off the bandage. We'll change it when you come out."
Shelby winced as she heard Quinn rip the bandage off. Even though the tape was wet from the shower, it still stuck to the skin.
"Quinn?"
She heard the girl grunting in frustration.
"Quinn?"
"God damn it!" There was a bang and a fall from inside the shower.
"Quinn?"
"I can't open this stupid bottle!" She banged the bottle again. "Damn! Damn it! Damn it!"
"Quinn," Shelby said. "I'm coming in."
"No!"
"I can't," she whispered. "I can't do this."
Shelby opened the door. "Quinn," she said quietly.
The girl was leaning against the wall with her head in her free hand and her casted hand banging against the wall.
"Fuck!" she whimpered.
"Quinn, I'm going to help you," she said quietly. She slipped off her flip flops and grabbed a towel before she climbed into the shower.
She watched with a heavy heart as Quinn slipped to the floor of the shower. "I can't do this." She sobbed. She continued to bang her cast on the ground. She slowed and the sobs increased. "I can't do this."
Shelby felt the water hit her back as she wrapped the towel around the girl her. "I'm going to wash your hair, Quinn."
Quinn gripped onto the towel as Shelby guided her down to the seat.
Shelby looked at her. They were in another silence. She washed Quinn's hair carefully. She felt the blonde look up at her as she rinsed her off.
"You're still wearing clothes," she whispered.
Shelby smiled. "It's alright. I have others."
"I need you to be upset with me," Quinn whispered.
"What?" Shelby asked as she rinsed out the rest of the soap and turned off the shower. She reached out and grabbed a dry towel to replace Quinn's dry one.
She turned around and stepped out of the shower as Quinn rewrapped herself.
"I need you to be mad at me," Quinn said again.
"Why?"
"Because," Quinn replied stepping warily out of the shower. "Just... because."
"Someday I might be mad at a choice you make. However, I'll always love you," Shelby said simply handing her clothes that she retrieved earlier when she changed.
"I …. I don't … I need you to be mad," Quinn said. She looked at her and
"I'm always going to love you, Quinn. For you not because of anything that you do or don't do but because of you," She said sitting next to her.
Quinn looked at her and scoffed. "You keep saying this crap and …" She shook her head. "I left her with him."
"You didn't know," Shelby said. "I didn't."
She looked at the ground. "I want... I need you to be mad at me."
Shelby narrowed her eyes and pulled Quinn closer to her. "I'm not. Not about Rachel not about your family. Not at you in any way."
Quinn let herself lean against her. "I …. I... I know I've been terrible to you," she whispered.
"Quinn, you don't have to -"
"I do," Quinn pleaded. "I've been terrible... and all this with... my mom and... Rachel..."
"Sweetheart-"
"I've... I've been terrible...I've told you that I don't need you," she whispered. She looked up at her. "I lied, " she said heavily. "I'm... I'm not …. I'm a terrible person."
"You're not," Shelby said softly.
"I'm going to make you mad and I... I need you to be mad," she whispered, searching her eyes.
"Like I said," Shelby said quietly. "I might be but I will still love you."
Quinn looked at the ground. "You keep saying that-"
"And I mean it," she said hugging her.
"I... I... I don't know if I can handle letting you go," she whispered. "I want you so so much...everytime …. I heard you. But I'm scared..."
"I know,Quinn."
The blonde shook her head. "You don't." She leaned into Shelby. "You don't know how much I wanted this..."
Shelby wrapped her arms around her tighter. Quinn laughed and shook her head. "Do you know...There are so many things that you ask for... You can't ask for hugs." She scoffed. "Except Rachel." She leaned against Shelby. "I read books... Lots of them and watched movies and television shows... I think that's how I knew what was missing." She looked up at her with tear filled eyes. "I need... I can't have you walk away..." The tears fell. "I need you …." She shook her head. "But I can't... I can't lose you... this..." She wiped her tears and sat up. "So I need you to promise me that you'll be mad at me."
Shelby turned and faced her. She cupped her young face. "I will love you forever. I won't stop. I will probably be upset with you." She laughed and wiped her new tears with her thumbs. "You'll mess up, Quinn. I don't expect you to be perfect. If you do something-" Shelby giggled. "-Like I don't know... break a classmate's nose, for instance." Quinn gave a tiny smile. "You'll be grounded. I might punish you and make you write lines or a paper or do extra chore. Just like the other kids." She shrugged. "You'll grow to hate it just like San and Noah, but I will never leave you."
"Someday you might," Quinn whispered. "And I ….." she looked in her eyes. "I won't survive it."
Shelby kissed her softly on the forehead. "Some day," she whispered pulling her close. "Someday I might die. And it'll hurt." She gave Quinn a smile as she began to cry again. "And still on that day, I will always be with you, but that's not for a very, very long time." She kissed away Quinn's tears. "I'll never leave you, Quinn. And I can guarantee that I'll never stop loving you." She smiled and pulled her close. "You are brave, incredible, smart and extraordinary and I promise you that you'll never have to ask for a hug."
Quinn leaned against Shelby, silently. She bit her bottom lip. "Thank you," she whispered. "For loving me."
"It was one of the easiest things in the world," Shelby whispered.
"I'm really not an easy person to love," Quinn whispered.
Shelby laughed. "I don't expect you to be nor do you need to be."
Quinn opened her mouth to say something as if she was searching for another reason.
"Honey, you need to rest," Shelby whispered. "Let's redress your wounds, get something in your nonexistent belly and back in bed."
"I can't sleep in that bed," she whispered.
"Nothing will hurt you here," Shelby said brushing her wet hair.
"It's not about that," she whispered. "I just can't." She looked up at her. "You know that."
"I'll lay with you until you fall asleep," she said quietly. "The drugs will help you sleep." She kissed Quinn again on the top of her head. "Thank you for letting me love you."
Quinn leaned into her. "No problem."
…..
Santana stroked Rachel's hair out of her face. Her mother had brought Quinn downstairs about thirty minutes ago. Quinn at least looked at her and said a small hello when she came down with Shelby. Rachel would barely let go of Santana. She sat in Santana's lap the whole time and didn't say a word. Rachel leaned back against Santana and shook her hand. The older girl looked up and saw her brother standing there with his arms folded. He was watching them, trying to figure out what happened. Quinn was nursing the soup and Ensure that Nana offered but barely.
"Bug, the sooner you finish this up the sooner that you and Sanny can lay down," Helen said.
"Yeah," Santana smiled. "We can watch Mary Poppins."
Rachel shook her head. Santana looked down and Rachel still was biting the tip of her finger; it was being bit by the side of her teeth. Santana looked up and saw her mother sigh. "You need to eat something for the medication or it'll make you sick," Shelby said.
"I got it," Santana said quietly grabbing an orange and the plate of soup and crackers. "We'll make a deal, bug. If you eat a bite, I'll eat a bite. Kay? You love this soup." She smiled and rested her forehead on Rachel's. "You know I don't. Okay?" Rachel gave a small smile.
Shelby watched as the girls ate. Joey walked in the back door as Rachel took a bite and Santana took a bite. Santana felt Rachel jump in her arms. "Shhh," Santana whispered as she took another bite of cracker.
Quinn pushed the soup away and started to stand to rinse out the bowl. Helen took it. "Thank you, ma'am," she said politely.
Helen, Shelby and Joey exchanged a look. Santana watched as Shelby gave Rachel and Quinn some pills and the whole family moved towards the living room.
"Let's get into bed. We can take a nap before Elyse comes before dinner," Shelby said casually.
Rachel looked at Santana and shook her head.
Quinn stood carefully and whispered to Shelby, but Santana could still hear. "Just for Rach, right? Because of what happened?"
Shelby just sighed and said, "Let's focus on sleeping please. I don't want either you back in the hospital again."
Quinn shook her head. "Neither do we."
Santana took a deep breath and laid next to Rachel. The girl barely let Santana stand up. She caught her mother looking at her. Rachel clinging had been hard when she was three years old and it hadn't gotten any easier.
"Come on, bug," she whispered leading her over to the bed in the family room. "I'm tired, too. Sue ran us wild today." Rachel scooted back and leaned into Santana's chest.
Santana watched as her mother wrapped her arms around Quinn in the adjacent bed and whisper things in her ear. Noah handed Rachel George. Santana wrapped her arm around her and Rachel gripped onto her shirt with one hand and her stuffed animal in the other. There was something in both her and Quinn's eyes. Something had happened. She needed to know but Rachel wasn't talking and she wasn't going to push her. She hadn't seen her silent like this since New York when she first saw her again.
Santana looked at the door.
"Is she here?" she asked the lady again.
"Not yet," she said gently.
The door buzzed.
Santana shot up. "That's her! I know it!"
She may be eight years old, but she knew that this would fix things. Noah was at his new foster home and she was here. She was going to be here with Rachel Rachel needed her and she was going to run... Santana rethought. Rachel could never really run. Her legs were short and it was more like a waddle, but not completely. However, she and Noah used to watch her all the time and wait for her to fall but she never did. Rachel would waddle to her. She would be so excited to see her; she was Sanny.
The first buzzing door opened and Santana spotted Natalie holding her tiny baby sister in her arms on her hip. .
"That's her! That's Rachel!" Santana said with a smile. She ran to the door and waited impatiently for it open.
The second door buzzed open and Natalie came into the room.
"Rachel! Rachel! Rachel!" Santana said. "Give her to me," she demanded and held out her arms.
The lady she was talking to ushered Santana back into the room that they prepared for her. "Let's take her back."
Santana led them back to the baby wing. Well... not the baby baby wing, but the wing where two and three year olds stayed.
"Rachel, this is your room. See your name is on the door," Santana pointed to the door. "See?" She smiled and pointed to the sign. "I told them you like stars and music and they put stars and music notes on it. See?"
She looked at Rachel. Her eyes were tired. Her yellow pacifier was in her mouth. She was wearing a pink polka dotted shirt and jeans, but not the big kid jeans, the ones with elastic. Her smile faded as she looked at Rachel's eyes. They were big and worried and scared. Her own smiled faded.
"What's wrong?" Santana looked at Natalie. "What's wrong with her?"
"She's in a new place, Santana," she responded. "She's getting used to things, okay? Let's get her settled."
"Where are her things?" she asked looking around Natalie.
Natalie took a deep breath. "She doesn't have anything except what she has now and -"
Rachel suddenly reached out to Santana from Natalie's arms.
"Hold on there, kiddo," said Natalie, pulling Rachel gently on her hip. "Santana, if you're going to hold her you need to sit on the bed. She's still weak from the surgeries so you can't move around very much just like you did when you over at the hospital seeing her."
"I remember," she said quickly. The lady at the door gave her look. "I know I'm sorry."
She climbed onto the bed and Rachel reached over to her from Natalie's arms for her.
"She wants me. I can make her happy," Santana said holding out her arms. "Come here, bug."
"Careful," the lady said from the door as Rachel crawled into Santana's arms. The tiny girl sat in Santana's lap and leaned back against her.
"You wanna take our your binkie and talk to me?" Santana asked as she leaned against Rachel's headboard of her tiny bed and Rachel leaned against her chest.
Rachel leaned against Santana and looked up at her and shook her head.
"What's wrong?" Santana asked Natalie.
"She had a long morning, Santana," Natalie said sitting down at the bed adjacent to them. "She probably just wants to stay with you."
"What happened?" she asked, holding Rachel tighter.
"Just spend time with her, Santana," the lady said. "We need to bring you back to your group at naptime."
"I can stay with her."
"Your group doesn't do naps," she said with an amused smile. "Rachel's does. She'll need to join her group for dinner."
Santana hated doing things with the group but that's how the place was set up. She was in a stupid group called the tiggers, Rachel's group was in the piglets and when Noah was here he was in the kangas. She hated groups. She just want to be with Rachel and that was it.
She combed her hand through Rachel's hair just like she remembered her mother doing to her.
"Talk to me, Bug," she whispered. "You're okay."
Rachel shook her head. Santana frowned and looked at Natalie with a glare. "What did you do to her?" she hissed covering Rachel's ears. "What did you do?"
Rachel shook her head and looked up at her.
"Bug, give me your binkie and talk to me," she whispered. Rachel shook her head and moved around in Santana's lap. The lady at the door reached her hands up as if she could have stopped Rachel from wrapping her arms around Santana's neck. So what if Santana still had her cast from her broken arm. She was still strong enough to hold her baby sister. Someone explained to her that it wasn't the cast but that Rachel was still fragile. Santana didn't understand why that mattered. She knew how to be gentle with Rachel. She felt as Rachel continued to shake her head. Santana rubbed her back. She whispered. "What's wrong? I'm right here, Rach."
Santana scooted down on the bed with Rachel in her arms.
"Santana, be gentle," the lady said.
"I know," she whispered. She laid next to Rachel and Rachel tucked herself into Santana's chest and gripped onto the front of Santana's shirt. The older girl pulled her closer. Rachel pulled something from her pocket with her free hand. "What do you have there, bug?" Santana watched as the tiny palm opened and there was a plastic beaded bracelet. Santana sighed. "You keep 'em, bug."
She narrowed her eyes and looked at the women at the door. "I'll stay here until you fall asleep, okay?"
Rachel gripped her shirt harder and looked up around her pacifier at Santana. "I'm right here."
Santana rested her cheek on Rachel's forehead. She could feel the heat of her skin against her own. Rachel had been that way when Santana first saw her at the shelter because they did an internal pelvic exam and no one was there. They had strapped her down to a table and put her little legs in stirrups and the only people there to hold her tiny toddler body were doctors, nurses and Natalie. It was because of that exam that Rachel didn't talk for two and half days. She couldn't go back to that. She couldn't hold Rachel while she didn't speak for two and a half days again. She would but she didn't want to have to.
She watched as her mother stood from where Quinn slept soundly and her brother follow her into the kitchen where her aunt and grandmother still sat. She heard Rachel breathing heavily. She gently extracted herself from her and walked into the kitchen.
She put her hands on her hips. "What the hell happened?" she hissed.
Shelby signed. "Let's go into the study." She looked at her sister. "Joe, will you sit with them?"
Joey nodded and Shelby led her children and mother into the study.
"What happened?" Santana said again.
Shelby leaned against the desk after she closed the door. "They gave their testimonies. And it was... it was hard for everyone." She shook her head. "Rachel and Quinn did the best they could. Quinn's was straightforward...once she started talking..." She sighed and tried to take a deep breath, but it got hitched in her chest. "Quinn did go to him. She barely missed Rachel and he attacked Quinn-"
"But she didn't say...," Santana said shaking her head frantically.
"Quinn got away," Shelby sighed. "She um... she hit him with a music stand." Shelby folded her arms in front of her. "He knew all about her father and used it against her. It shook her. Still does."
Noah sighed heavily as Santana shook her head and looked at the ground.
"Okay..." she said. She searched her mother. "Her... Quinn's bruise. So...so... she got away. He... he didn't touch her..."
Shelby nodded slowly. She took a deep breath. "He tried, San. We still don't know how far he got with either of them-"
"You said she got away," Santana pleaded.
"Quinn says he didn't touch her," Shelby searched her daughter and son's eyes.
"But... But what about Rach?" Noah asked. "What... What did she …. what did she say?"
Santana shook her head and interrupted. "What about...the hospital... they... don't they have medical evidence?" She felt her heartbeat ramming against her chest. She needed answer and she had a glimmer of hope that it wasn't what she thought. She searched her mother's eyes. "Maybe she... she didn't...Maybe he didn't …." She connected with her mother's eyes and saw her answer. "She's not talking... She... why... why is she...What did she say happened?"
"She told us a lot," Shelby said gently holding Santana and Noah's hand. "And...something did happen that we know of... medically... but we're not sure how." She let the words sink in.
Santana looked at her brother and grandmother. "What do you mean?... I don't get it... She told you and she would say that..."
"Santana, she doesn't know what happened..."
Tears were now flowing down the girl's face. "I don't understand..." She shook her head. "How can she not know?"
Shelby licked her bottom lip and squeezed Santana's hand harder. "She couldn't see, Santana," she whispered. "He had her..." Shelby swallowed the lump in her throat. "He … he bent her over the desk and she couldn't see."
Santana pulled away from her mother and put her hand on her mouth trying to contain her sob. "He took her from behind?" As soon as the words left her lips she ran into the half bath off of the study and threw up.
Shelby gave a weak nod and looked at the ground. She ran over to Santana and pulled her hair out of her face as Santana collapsed onto the floor. "We don't know how though." She wiped her own tears. "She's so little that... It could have been …. with his... but we don't know."
"But she got away so... so …." Noah looked at the women. Helen wrapped her arms around the boy.
"She did," Shelby said helping Santana sit up. "She did... but he still hurt her...And we don't..." she shook her head. "He has manipulated her down to the last feeling. She talked about what happened before we went to Florida and he..." She looked at the kids and her mother. "She needs us to help her. We need to help both of them. We don't know exactly what he said to them, but it's echoing in their heads and they...Quinn says that she's fine but any healing or any progress that we've made has been damaged by what he said to her." Shelby shook her head. "And Rachel..."
Santana looked up at her mother. "She's not talking..."
"I know," she whispered. "She was scared enough by the interview."
"I want to know exactly what she said," Santana demanded. She searched her mother's eyes. "I need to know what was said."
Shelby shook her head. "San-"
"No, I need to know what happened," Santana shouted still on the floor. "Please."
"We're trying to figure it out," Shelby said. "We know that there were those two big occurrences..."
"But..."
"She remembered," Shelby said carefully.
"Remembered what?" Noah asked.
"She remembered the room and she said that Will turned into…. Hiram... and she..." Shelby looked at the tiles of the floor. Suddenly realizing for the first time that this may be an issue. She became quiet.
"Where's your car, Mom?" Noah asked interrupting her.
"Noah," Helen offered as she watched Shelby try to process something.
"No, I want to know." He looked at his mother. "What else happened?"
Shelby took a deep breath. "We caught him," she said heavily.
Noah gawked at her. "What? ... how did you-?"
"They need my car to go over prints and evidence," Shelby said.
"He was waiting for them," Santana whispered realizing it. "Damn it!" she said slamming down her hand.
"Yeah, he was," she whispered. She licked her lips. "Rachel saw him. And he saw her seeing him." Shelby's brow knitted. "Quinn tried to run after him... but she didn't get very far. Her body was too exhausted." She looked at everyone. "I had to clean Rachel up and they arrested him and...I'm not … Quinn saw him getting arrested." She shrugged. "Quinn has barely talked but she talked with me and...Rachel hasn't talked at all."
She sighed and looked at the family. "Elyse is coming over soon," she said gently. "And San I want you to start talking with her, too."
"I did that," Santana said. "I'm done with trauma therapy. I don't need it. I don't have triggers...anymore." She looked at her mother and shook her head. "Rach isn't talking, Mom."
"I think it will help you to have the same therapist-"
"Julia is fine," Santana hissed. "I am doing fine."
"You're not, Santana," Shelby said more strongly. "And I think you know that." Shelby watched her eyes. "This isn't up for discussion."
"I don't want to switch from Julia," Santana said.
"You're not," Shelby said. "You remember how trauma therapy works. Elyse will focus on other things in addition to what you've been working on with Julia. You'll stay with Julia but go to Elyse too."
Santana narrowed her eyes. "Other things like what?" she asked.
"Like all of this." Shelby watched her. Santana could feel it. She looked at her brother. She envied him. She always had. He had dealt with things. He had grabbed the bull by the horns. She was just a puddle all the time, pretending that she was put together, pretending she was whole.
"I'm done here," she said getting up. "I'm just... I-I..."
"Santana," She heard her mother call after her.
She shook her head and stopped. "I'm doing this for Rachel and Quinn that's it. I don't need to do this." She sighed. "But I will."
She felt an arm grab her as she started out of the study. She looked up at her brother. "What?"
He searched her eyes and they both softened. "Nothing," he muttered.
She pulled her arm out and walked back into the living room. She pulled the blanket up around Quinn and then crawled in behind Rachel, wrapping her arms around her. She moved Rachel's hair out of her face. "I'm right here," she whispered.
…..
Noah watched his sister leave.
"Noah?"
"I'm going downstairs," he said leaving the room.
"Noah?" He turned and looked at his mother.
"What?" he asked heavily.
She looked at her son. "I want to talk to you."
"Later," he said shortly. He looked at his mother and grandmother. "Once you get San settled with Elyse."
"Noah," Shelby said again watching after him.
"I'm fine," he hissed. "Leave me alone."
Shelby watched him disappear from view.
No one was fine. No one could be.
He pulled his backpack straps with his thumbs. Sixth grade sucked. He frowned. No, Lima sucked. It was the first week. Three days. His dad always said that you just needed three days to get a feel for something. Not two; not one but three. This was the end of the third day and he was done. He was done with Lima.
He looked around the cafeteria with a deep set frown. He wasn't going to make friends. He wasn't going to stay. HE would... His frowned softened. He wasn't sure what he would do... but it was... something. He frowned again. What would he do with his sisters? Rachel wasn't even doing all day school and Santana was ten and dumb. She broke her arm last week on some kids face that should have been his problem. He was the brother, not her. That was day one.
"Hey, idiot!"
He turned and looked at Michael Hartland.
"Go lick your own butt," Noah spat still holding his backpack.
"Ooooh, so tough new kid," he spat. "You're at the bottom of the food chain. I'm a shark."
Noah frowned. He had heard of Michael Hartland. He was an eighth grader and he was a butthead. This was Lima. He was from New York. He wasn't going to put up with it.
"Get out of my face before I kill you," he spat.
"Oh big guy, huh?"
"Bigger than you!" Noah said stepping up to the boy.
"You wish," Michael spat looking at the boy who was the same size as him. "Heard your sister can pack a better punch than you!"
Noah stepped forward. "Don't talk about my sister."
Michael laughed. "Why not?" He narrowed his eyes. "My sister loves broadway." Noah felt a slight pang. "And people magazine." He laughed. "I knew when I first saw you I knew that I recognized you." He shook his head. "No one else knows because they think Barbie is a celebrity, but I know." He laughed and leaned into Noah's face. "I know all about it."
Noah screamed in anguish and unhooked his thumbs from his backpack straps. He launched at him and gripped the front of the older boy's shirt. "SHUT UP!"
He didn't feel panic. He couldn't see or hear anything else. All he needed was to shut him up. He didn't have a plan. All he knew was that it had been three days and that had been enough. It had been enough for him to know that he was done. He was done feeling helpless. He was done being helpless. He was done. He pushed him. He squeezed his eyes shut. He heard it in his head. He heard it all the time.
"YOU'RE FUCKING WEAK!" Hiram yelled. He screamed at her. Noah ducked his head as Hiram swung at him. "FUCKING WEAK!" He hit him again. "Fight, Noah! Fight! Come on! You played hockey! You play football! Hit me!" He pulled Noah up. "HIT ME!"
Noah opened his bruised eye and saw Santana lying on the ground. She was barely awake. He had kicked her and she hit the wall. Rachel was next to her trying to get her up. "Sanny, wake up?" he could hear her whispering. They were in this position because they asked for more food for Rachel.
"I'm sorry! Sorry!" Rachel sobbed. She shook Santana. "Wake up."
Noah squeezed his other eyes shut. He couldn't hit back. He couldn't. He couldn't because that's what he did before. And that's why Santana wasn't moving. He tried to fight back. He looked at Rachel and Santana. It wasn't about fighting anymore it was about protecting.
"FIGHT BACK! YOU WEAK, WEAK, WEAK BOY!" Each word was delivered with a blow.
Noah pushed Michael with his rage. He was weak, but that didn't mean that everyone had to know. Especially Michael freakin' Hartland.
"SHUT UP!"
Noah breathed heavily. He tried to catch his breath. He opened his eyes and everyone was staring at him. Everyone was staring. He looked down. He was lying on top of Michael Hartland. The boy's eyes were swollen shut. Noah leaned back on his heels. They were surrounded by a pile of glass. Michael was lying in a bed of glass. Noah narrowed his eyes and looked behind him.
"Shit," he said.
He pushed him through a window. He looked at the moaning older boy on the ground.
His sister had broken her arm because she was a tornado of anger. She wore her emotions all the time. He frowned. No, she just wore her angry emotions... but that was besides the point. He knew how to control it and she didn't. He stood back away from Michael who was now moaning in pain. He felt a teacher pull him to standing, but he could barely feel the couch. All he could see was Michael. He didn't know how to control anything. His was worse because he exploded and he stopped being him. He stopped being that weak boy and became a stranger, a violent one. How did he do that?
"Shit." he said more loudly.
He was becoming him.
…...
Shelby took a deep breath and watched Noah disappear.
"They're going to be okay, Shelby," Helen said gently.
"You don't know that," she hissed. She shook her head. "I'm sorry."
Shelby put her head in her hands.
"Shel," Helen started.
"I know, Mom," she whispered. "I know." She stood up. "Just let me get through this day. I just... I just need to get through this day."
Helen took a deep breath and opened her mouth to say something. but a soft ding from her phone interrupted her. Elyse was outside.
She shook her head and sighed. "We just need to get through this day," she whispered to herself as she walked to the door. She sighed. She knew that that wasn't true that there many more days, but she wasn't going to tackle that now. She was just going to get through the day. That's all she could do.
"Hey," she said opening the door.
Elyse smiled. "Hi." She set down her back and the two of them watched the girls sleep. "Am I talking to all three of them?"
Shelby nodded. "Yes, just a check in for Quinn and Santana. Rachel," Shelby sighed. "I just need you to facilitate the talk I talked with you about."
Elyse nodded. "Do you want me to wake Rachel up? or Quinn first?"
Shelby watched her eldest daughter stir. "No, San's awake."
Santana looked over Rachel's body. She climbed carefully out of the bed and folded her arms. "I guess we're chatting," Santana said with a sigh.
"I guess so," Elyse nodded.
Shelby watched Santana. Searching for something that she'd missed.
"Be honest, San," she said cupping her eldest daughter's cheek.
Santana scoffed but nodded, blinking heavily and leaning into her mother's hand.
Shelby watched Santana disappear into the room with Elyse, wondering and hoping if she was doing the right thing.
She turned and descended slowly down the basement stairs. She couldn't hear anything. Not a sound. She ducked her head down the stair to see into the finished basement.. Noah was laying on his back on the bench press. He wasn't even trying to lift he was just staring at the ceiling.
"Noah?"
He looked over at her and gave a small smile. "I'm fine, Mom."
Shelby looked at him. She looked around the room. His posters that he had hung up were lying on the ground. Ripped down. She widened her eyes. She knew her son. She knew his temper. She knew it used to be unmasked rage where he turned into someone else. She remembered all too well.
Shelby stared at the broken window. She bit her lip. Her son, her son that held her daughters when they cried, that carefully set oreos and milk up on the kitchen counter when she was upset, her son. Her son had done this. She folded her arms and watched the janitor sweep up the shards of glass.
"Mrs. Corcoran," she turned and looked at the principal.
"Where's my son?"
The man sighed. "He's in the nurse's office. He was kneeling in glass."
Shelby shook her head. "Bring me to my son."
"Mrs. Corcoran, we need to talk first." The man was trying his best to look touch but was failing.
"I walk and talk," she hissed. "Walk with me."
"Due to the circumstances of your situation," Shelby shot the man a glare. "Due to the nature-" Another piercing stare. "Mr. Hartland won't press charges as long as you send Noah to get help."
Shelby stopped. "I'm sorry what?"
"Your son needs help."
Shelby shook her head. "And I will make sure he gets it." She turned and faced the man. "Where is my son?"
The man who was trying his best to look tough finally steeled his jaw. "What I'm saying, Shelby, if your son, Mr. Hartland and the school board will not accept Noah back at Franklin or in this district until he gets the help that he needs." Shelby stared at him in shock. "You're very lucky and Noah is very lucky that Michael will be fine. But that's all Noah is right now is lucky."
Shelby stopped and looked at the man.
"He is my son," she said with a glare as she stopped in the hallway. "I will decide what's best for my son. Not you." She had stopped outside the nurse's office. "Thank you for the pep talk."
She walked and and Noah was laying on the bed staring at the ceiling. His knees had large band-aids on them. He stared at the ceiling.
"Noah?"
He looked up at her. "How much do hate me right now?"
Shelby frowned and sat next to him. "Not at all."
He shook his head. "Don't look at me like that, Ma." He looked down at his hands. "I would rather you be mad at me."
"Can you tell me what happened?" she asked carefully.
"He was talking crap and I lost it..." He looked up at her. "I... I don't know how it happened. I just lost it."
Shelby shook her head but couldn't help but contain her smile. "I can tell."
"It's not funny, Mom," he whispered. He looked around. "Where's Rachel? You always pick me up with her."
Shelby looked at him gently. "She's at home with Grammy Pierce. Santana is being picked up by Valerie."
He frowned and looked at his bruised hands. "I'm sorry I ruined your day."
"You didn't, bud," she whispered kissing him on the top of the head. "You didn't. I'm worried about you."
She watched as he looked at the floor some more. He wouldn't look up. "There's something wrong with me," he whispered after a few minutes.
"Noah, it's a hard adjustment but there's nothing wrong with you."
He scrunched his nose up and shook his head. "Are you listening to me? To anyone?" he asked loudly. "I threw him through a window. Not just a glass window those super glass windows that they have in schools." He shook his head. "I …. I don't know how to do this."
"Do what?"
He shook his head. "Santana broke her arm." He looked as his mother accusingly. "She broke it because she tried to push Gordon Avery because he told Rachel she couldn't be in the tree house. So she she pushed him and he pushed her and she fell out of the tree house." Shelby looked at him and nodded patiently, waiting for a point. "Normal kids push kids in tree houses. It's an accident. " He shook his head more. "You don't ACCIDENTALLY push a kid through a window and then punch his face so hard that he can't open his eyes." He shook his head more. "Don't look at me and tell me that you're just worried."
Shelby looked at him. She looked at her son. She was seeing him for the first time. She had never seen him so lost. He was right. With Santana she felt to haphazardly. With Noah, she saw clearer than ever that he wasn't just exploding, he was hurt by the results. He was so separate from his feelings he didn't know how to feel them. He shook his head again.
"Noah, tell me what you want," she said quietly.
"I wanna go back," he whispered.
"To New York?" she asked. He shook his head.
"To being me." He shook his head for the millionth time. "I'm stuck and... I...I am scared of who I am."
"Don't be," Shelby said quickly. "I know who you are. You are my son. You strong, courageous, and incredible. And you're figuring that out."
He shook his head. "Mom, I'm scared uncontrollable and …" I don't want to go home. I don't want to see Rach or San until I …. I'm mad, Mom. I think...I just..." He shook his head. "I need to fix this."
She looked at her son and sighed. "Okay," she whispered. knowing her son had grown in a way that she couldn't stop or assist. He did the growing up despite her.
Shelby looked at the posters and the room.
"What's going on?" she asked.
"Nothing," he said as he sat up. "Just doing some work."
She narrowed her eyes. "On what?"
He leaned forward on his arms. "She's gonna need some space."
"Who?" Shelby asked picking up the poster and gently draping them over the chair.
"Rachel," Noah shrugged standing up. "Maybe she can rehearse or something down here."
"Noah," Shelby said gently. "What is this about?"
"I'm going to build her an echo room a place where she can sing," he said simply.
She sighed. "Noah, that's an incredible idea, but right now that's not what Rachel might need."
She watched as the boy sighed and leaned against the wall. She looked at his face as he closed his eyes in deep concentrated anguish.
"What do you need, Noah?" she asked gently.
"I need to do something," he whispered.
Shelby watched her son carefully. "Noah, the girls need you. I need you to be here. And you're doing that. You're doing great."
The boy shook his head. "It's not going to get better for a long time, Mom and you know it." He looked at the ground. "And there's nothing I can do to help that."
She walked over to him and lifted his chin to look at her even though he stood a few inches taller than her. "Talk to me. There's so much you can do and have been doing."
He licked his bottom lip carefully. "The trial was so hard, Mom." He searched her eyes. "They grilled me on the stand and we had the case in the bag." He shook his head. "What are they going to do to Quinn and Rach when there's so much still in question." He swallowed his anxiety and looked away from his mother. "I'm helpless. The girls don't need me. San and Rachel need each other like... tadpoles-"
"What?" Shelby asked squinting.
"You know, things that climb on each other and eat things," he said with a casual shrug.
"Parasites?"
"Yeah," he nodded. "That's what I said."
Shelby frowned. "Okay," she nodded forcing herself to swallow her son's metaphor.
"And Quinn just wants to be your tadpole-parasite-whatever," he shrugged. "I don't have a role."
"You do, Noah."
"I wasn't there to protect her. I wasn't there to do anything. EVER," his voice rose. "I've felt my damn feelings and been to trauma therapy more than once. I'm not doing it again."
Shelby raised her hands. That hadn't been her plan. "But you're going to go back to at least talking to someone."
"I'm not angry, Mom!" he yelled. He slid down to the floor. "I'm just helpless." He shook his head with a laugh. "You and I both know that I've never been on the inside."
"Noah," Shelby began sitting next to her son. "That's not true."
He shook his head and looked at her. "Sure it is," he grinned with an ironic laugh. "But I knew that." He looked at the ground. I've known that since Santana was born." He laughed softly and stared ahead. "I've always been okay with that..." He trailed off. He chewed his bottom lip. "I'm mad," he whispered. "But I don't know what to do. I feel it all but I just... I just stand there..." He looked at the ground. "And hope that Rachel lets me hold her or San and Quinn let me listen." He shook his head. "I need to do something."
Shelby soaked in his body language. "Noah, what do you mean?"
"Nothin," he mumbled looking ahead.
Shelby watched him as he stood up and headed toward stairs.
"Noah?" she called out. He turned. "What was the crumpled piece of paper that you had in Florida?"
"What?" he asked. He avoided her eyes and she knew it was something.
"Don't do that," she said pulling herself to her feet. "What was it?"
"It was nothing," he said looking her in the eye.
She looked at him carefully. "Whatever it is that you think you need to do," she said after a few moments. "Put it on hold. We need you here."
"No you don't," he said with a shake of his head. "You don't need me at all."
"Noah," she called after him. He continued to walk up the stairs. She grabbed his hand. "Noah," she began again. "I need you here. I need you present here. I'm so sorry that you think that you're not needed but we all need you to be here."
He shook his head with a tired shrug. "Doing what?"
"Being you," she smiled tearfully. "Just being you." She cupped his face. "You are a huge part of my life. I feel you pulling away because you feel helpless but I don't need you save the world. I need you to be happy and feel loved."
"Mom," he whispered tearfully. "I can't just do that. I can't JUST let you love me."
"Why?" she asked.
"Because there's so much more I do, I just... don't... I just know how..."
He leaned down and kissed his mother on the cheek.
"We'll figure it out," she whispered. "But promise me you'll stay here."
"I'll never leave them, Mom," he interrupted.
"You're not here, Noah," Shelby whispered. "Come back to where I need you. Where you need you. I love you."
"I know," he nodded.
….