OH MY GOD! Have you seen the trailer for SuperGirl yet? NO!? WATCH IT! I'm pretty excited to watch another Glee star on a super hero show. (I've yet to watch The Flash because I've missed too many episodes and I have to wait for the season to be over so that I can watch it) but yes, I've very excited!
83. Decision Time.
A few more days passed. Soon enough I would be back in Lima to finish my summer there and then get ready to do whatever it is I have to do to stay strong. But how could I be so strong when I was drinking and smoking cigarettes again?
It's kind of weird. I feel a lot better and yet I think my brain is still malfunctioning or something. Whenever I look at Ryder I see someone who looks like a skeleton. Thin almost gaunt face and just so weak. But my damn brain is malfunctioning and I can't seem to make it work right to see things straight. I'm just waiting for the Oompa Loompas to pop out and start singing how fucked up I am.
I've spoken to some of the Glee kids on the phone. Kitty kept apologizing for this to happen as she thinks she had a part in it. I told her she didn't, she was just being her. Tina surprised me the most. When I got her call all I expected was someone who could bitch at me for ruining her life somehow. She graduated and somehow she could make my sickness back to her life being ruined. But no, Tina cried on the phone actually.
"I'm so so sorry Marley! I should of never been a bitch to you. You're such a nice person and I know you are struggling a lot with things, from the past before school and during school and after school and now...and I've probably...NO! I've been a part of the problem. I never helped you I just focused on myself too much instead of being nice and helping you like how you help me and everyone else. You have to get better but not just for me, for yourself."
I told her I didn't blame her for this. I did this. But secretly I did blame her since she never stopped bitching to me about every single problem that occurred back to her.
I was getting released from the hospital tomorrow. I was going to stay at a hotel with Ryder and Finn for a few more days before heading home. Lark was already back in Lima doing stuff. But today I had to go see some lawyer chick who was going to help me not end up in juvie. At least that's what Ryder told me. Or at least that's how it sounded to me.
I mean Ryder explained it to me already. In-patient facility, then a foster care house (hopefully not a shit one) and more damn group therapy on Saturdays. The only day of the week that I don't have to worry about school work, that was for Sunday. Maybe someone from Annie. Oh that would be fun...sort of.
I got dressed and had ten minutes before Ryder would pick me up at the front lobby. I decided to sneak away to the outside and over at the smoking area to have a cigarette before Ryder got me. I took out of my bag a cigarette and a lighter, lit up the cigarette and then started to smoke. I felt totally relax and calm smoking it and when I finished I dropped it, stepped on it, pulled out a bottle of perfume I had stored inside my bag and sprayed to cover up the cigarette smell.
I got back inside and waited a few minutes before Ryder came into the hospital with Finn behind him. Finn went to the front desk to sign me out, gosh I'm so glad Finn is an adult and can do stuff like that and not someone random. Ryder came over with opened arms and I opened mine; we hugged tightly and he kissed my cheek. "Morning beautiful,"
"Hi Ry." I greeted and pecked his cheek.
"You smell nice. New perfume?"
"Yeah. It's strawberry sugar. I like it a lot."
"Oh, I thought it was tobacco." He said in a tone which meant he knew I had just smoked. "Smells wonderful." Okay now he was sarcastic.
"Okay." I said a bit awkwardly. "I'm ready if you're ready."
Ryder smiled and took my hand in his own as we left with Finn to the cab outside. Ryder pulled out his Moms tablet that he stole to use on the bus ride here and we decided to watch funny fail videos. Of course before the actual video began there was a commercial...specifically a commercial that warns you about the dangers of smoking.
We got inside of the room we were meeting in; me, my lawyer, my therapist (who did fly out here to speak on my behalf I guess) and my social worker. I felt so nervous being in the room...damn I want a cigarette. I needed a cigarette. But I can't have one.
The lawyer and my social worker came into the room and once they were settled in the meeting began...
God I wanted this damn meeting to be done and over with. I already know all this shit because Minnie overheard and told Ryder who told me...Yep, facility...Saturday group...Sunday activities...OH that's optional!? Good! I have Sunday's to myself! Damn...what?...Oh, check-in's once a month...random ones. That would make sense since with Minnie we knew the day and therefore we could just hide all the shit in the attic. Weird...Ugh, stop talking about group therapy... God damn...I WANT A FUCKING CIGARETTE!
I excused myself to use the bathroom. The social worker told me the women's bathroom on this floor was closed so I had to use the one below us. Perfect, I'll just go outside and smoke before coming back in here.
Of course when I left Finn and Ryder were there waiting for me. Ryder asked where I was going and I said outside to have a quick breathe. He nodded and then followed along with me. I expected him to bitch at me but he did something else. Something off.
When I pulled the lighter out he took it from me. I expected him to throw it away but instead he lit up the lighter and held it towards the cigarette. "There you go." He smiled.
Was this a test? It had to be a test...but...I needed to puff.
Five minutes passed. When I finished I sprayed myself with perfume and then went back inside.
Nobody suspected a thing.
At the end I had a question to ask. "Who's home am I going to when I leave the facility?"
"You'll know soon enough, Ms. Rose."
Bitch just tell me who I'm with...calm down Marley.
We had free time now. I wanted to go to central park and just relax or go on the carousal. It wasn't too far of a walk so when we finished the meeting Ryder, Finn and I took the fifteen block walk down to the park.
We went on the carousal a few times. It was super fun. I took a break while Ryder and Finn went again for a tenth time. When the ride went a bit faster I walked away from the gate and had a cigarette. I reached deeper into my bag and found a plastic water bottle that actually contained vodka. I took a swing at that, had another cigarette and soothed down again.
The ride finished before I could finish my cigarette. Finn got off, Ryder stayed on for the sixth time. Finn came over and his smile faded when he saw the cigarette in my mouth. When he was close enough he said, "I thought you stopped."
"It's hard."
"You can't start the stopping if you don't start the stopping."
"That sounds weird." I said. "I guess I should though. This shit keeps making Ryder look weird."
"What to you mean?" Finn sat next to me.
"I mean Ryder looks like a damn skeleton in the face." I said. "His face looks weak and thin."
Finn looked between me and the carousal a few times. "Marley," He began. "That's not your eyes playing a game. That's real."
"Huh?"
"Ryder being thin? That's real." Finn said. "When...when you left, he tried to keep his hope up."
I caused that? I left Lima and...I made him do this? "I did this?"
"No...Ryder did this on his own. He just sort of stopped eating when you left and then he realized what he was doing so he just ate soup and crackers... it just sucked seeing him that depressed."
Oh shit... I fucking suck.
"But he's better now so that's good."
"Because I'm OK and here."I muttered. "Great."
After Ryder's tenth time on the ride we walked away to just hang out. Finn had to go find a bathroom and Ryder went to find ice cream cups for us to have. I sat alone on the bench...bored.
I finished my vodka. Now I just had cigarettes left. I pulled out one of them and the lighter and lit up the cigarette. I put the lighter back in my bag and blew out a few puffs. I felt a tap behind me and saw it was none other than Ryder staring at me, but with a smile.
"What?" I asked him.
"Nothing." He kept smiling. He sat down next to me and put the two ice cream cups on the bench. "Nice tobacco flavor?"
"Uh...sure." I said then looked away.
I looked away for only a few moments before turning back to ask Ryder something...but then saw something I never thought I see.
Ryder smoking a cigarette.
"RYDER LYNN!" I screamed and startled him.
"What!?" He asked.
I grabbed that fucking cigarette out of his mouth and held it away from him. "What the fuck are you doing!?"
"Smoking a cigarette, silly." He said as he went to take back the cigarette.
"NO! FUCK OFF!" I screamed. "What the hell! You keep sitting here and telling me to stop smoking and...what the hell!? YOU WANNA SMOKE!?"
"Why sure." Ryder said calmly. "I mean it seems nice and fine."
"Excuse me!?" I yelled. Why was he smoking all of a sudden..."When did this start?"
"My first butt?"
"YES!"
"Just now." He told me. "Can I finish it?"
"No asshole you can't!" I screamed. I threw it on the ground and continued. "You can't fucking sit there and be all Mr. William and Finn Schuester Hudson on my ass about smoking and the dangers of it when you sit there smoking fucking tobacco from this thing! That's like telling a recovering alcoholic not to drink when you're both in a bar or a fucking sex addict not to have sex while in a stripper bar!"
"But I'm not a sex addict or an alcoholic." Ryder said.
"GO THIS DAMN ROUTE I WAS JUST ON AND YOU WILL BE AN ALCOHOLIC OR ADDICT TO SEX!" I screamed. I didn't care if people around me looked confused or scared.
"Come on it's just one." Ryder said.
"NO! DAMN IT!" I yelled. I started to feel jumpy inside and...depressed. I felt tears filling up and my throat become dry.
"Marley?" Ryder asked me.
Nope. I lost it.
I started sobbing. God I'm sobbing while holding a cigarette...what the hell? I hate this! I hate all of this! Damn it... I'm just...so screwed up. First all the smoking and drinking and shooting up drugs and...then...fuck.
I felt Ryder hug me. I even felt him take the current cigarette in my hand and then he threw it on the ground because I saw his brown shoe step and crush it down. I felt him hug me tighter. "I'm sorry," He muttered. "I thought... maybe if I did reverse psychology than I could help. Probably not."
"No...it's fine." I told him. Then, I realized something. If I'm like this and I'm not in the facility...how am I going to be in the facility?
I hate this. I hate everything.