Chapter 39
Anon - Oh you don't know how much I wish I was consulted to write the show. As you can imagine from my writing this story it would have turned out so differently. I hope you like the latest chapter. Thank you for reviewing.
Stacey - Cough Cough - here you go! You chanted and now the update is here. I hope you like.
Sally – I am sorry your parents were like that. I have a friend whose parents are the same way. No hugging or showing any signs of affection in fact they made it seem like hugging is wrong. It's a very hard way to grow up. She is learning to change it though when raising her son and showing him that hugging is right and needed and saying I love you to him. Thank God Shelby is doing that for Quinn and she is still young she needs it. Thanks for your review.
Janie – Quinn's breakdown was needed and Shelby is awesome. She really has showed Quinn she will be there for her forever. Quinn needs that so much. Noah is a great big brother to all of his sisters. He just needs to see it himself. Thanks for reviewing.
Cookie07 – San will talk to Noah but Noah is not going to share his thoughts on whether he should go to NY or not. The scars are too deep for Santana to even think about NY. Santana only broke her arm once. Brittany and San are not back at school in this chapter but it will be interesting. Santana and Shelby will have more moments as well. Thanks for the review
amandaes417-Thank you so much. What Rachel has gone through is beyond words so I am glad I could provide some insight to it. Shelby having to hear it again – awful. Shelby has gotten to Quinn finally – it will have bumps but Quinn has finally realized that she has these people in her corner and they are not going anywhere any time soon. Noah's POV is coming alive and will be told. He is so needed by the family yet he feels like such an outsider.
Anna – Noah is definitely needed he just has to realize it. He just needs to be there for these girls. Thanks for the review.
WelshGirl – I am going to try and put happy flashbacks as well as some happier moments as this family tries to heal from all that has happened. Thank you for reading and reviewing.
marinka4 – Rachel is opening up a little more but it will be slow. Puck is a great big brother to all of his sisters. But he does feel so lost. Thanks for reviewing!
SuzQQ – Elyse is going to work with all the girls now but all the girls are in a different place emotionally even though they all have had basically the same thing happen to them. She will deal with them individually and maybe she will try to do a group session but she has to break down their walls first to let that happen. The bond with Santana and Rachel will always be there but Shelby and Elyse need to reiterate that Shelby is the mom and Santana can't take that position again even though Rachel wants it – it will push both of them further back. Shelby sees that Noah is feeling helpless and she will increase his therapy more as well as much needed time with Bear and Pop Pop. Thanks for always reviewing.
Fangirl44 – Thanks for the review. Noah is feeling a little lost but he has a strong place in this family and the girls and Shelby depend on him he just doesn't realize how much right now. As far as Changes goes – I am trying I love that story too I just have lost the vision for it and I am trying to get it back. I just don't want to throw anything out there. Thanks for reviewing.
maddy449 – Finally Quinn has opened up but you can see that even though she has opened up she is so afraid of losing Shelby and the Corcorans so she would rather not open up and give herself fully because as you can see it will kill her if she loses it. Thank you for your kind words and your review.
Iuterpi – There are more flashbacks coming in the next couple of chapters because they will deal with therapy and how they got to be the people they are right now. And even though Rachel is looking to Santana for help, Shelby has to curb that because Santana doesn't have to be that person, Shelby is the mom and she is a very strong and great mom so they are going to keep working through that to because Santana has to still be a kid. Yeah Noah feels a little lost but he is very important in this family and he is needed. He just has to start to feel. Thanks for the review.
NinjaGleek21 – Cliffhanger? I didn't think it was much of a cliffhanger but….. I will try better next time. Thanks for the cookies I needed them when I moved! Thanks for the review too.
Renata – I am glad you got to see Wicked. Rachel would be a great Elphaba. The sex talk will help Rachel somewhat in knowing what happened but you are correct because of her age and the way she was positioned she doesn't know what really happened. I was happy too that Quinn finally opened up and accepted Shelby. It wont be all rosy but it has come a long way. Thank you so much for your review and I am so glad that you had a great trip to America. Scout – You are correct it does seem too easy about Will. But stay tuned. Maybe it is Maybe it isn't. It is a lot for Quinn and Rachel right now with their statements and injuries but they just need to rest because they have the family behind them 1000%. Thanks for the review.
look4me – Quinn will now be asking Shelby for support but she has a personality like Santana so she will struggle with letting Shelby know everything. But she will try. They will be trying to handle Rachel's regression differently and they won't let her be babied but it is a fine line. I am honored that my updates are your best parts of your week. I hope I can keep it up! Thank you for reviewing.
SadPanda13 – Quinn does feel that her needs are unimportant. She will try now but she still has a long road ahead. You are right Shelby needs to make sure that Rachel goes to her for the support and not Santana – it is not healthy for either of them. I am finally in a new place with no roommates! YaY. Thanks for your continued support.
NayaFan – Two reviews wow! Unfortunately as raw as it was for the girls to relive what happened in Mr. Schue's office it is going to have to be done again for the trials so they need plenty of support and they will have it. I don't think even if they tried to push Shelby on letting the girls be bait they would have won that battle. Quinn would have sacrificed herself but there was no way Shelby would let her do it. Brittany is so good for Santana and that will continue to blossom. And Sue in my story is a kinder gentler Sue – although in the show she is starting to be gentler. Sue has a real softness for Quinn and she tried to help but her calls weren't investigated. So Quinn really has a lot of support and she just now has to realize it. I have to say I hate the Fabrays a lot. I am not a fan. Thank you so much for your reviews – they mean a lot.
Lolathe17th – Santana and Shelby will have a lot more interaction because Santana is going back to more therapy and she is going to have to talk more about which will cause her to act out a bit more because she is not comfortable talking about it. Noah is a great big brother and he really does feel left out because he was unable to stop anything. But he doesn't realize how much the girls need him. Thanks for the review.
broadwaybound2016 – Not weird at all and thank you. Santana is an amazing sister and you will see more flashbacks reiterating that. Thanks for the review.
Kimberlli – Noah will find something I promise. Thanks for the review. The trials will be pretty tough but they won't be for a while so go get the box of tissues soon.
Filmaddict – Don't apologize for not reviewing although I do love it that you do! We will be learning a lot more about Will and if there were any other victims and who helped him. But it won't be easy that is for sure. There are going to be several problems along the way. They will do their best to make sure Rachel doesn't regress too much. She will be in therapy talking it out and given the tools to cope with it. She has sisters who have gone through it and they will help her through it. Noah wants to help so badly that his plans may not be the best plans but he is trying so hard. Thanks for review I love them.
Ryoko05 – Thanks for reviewing.
A C one – As they start to heal there will be happier times, I promise. Noah needs to see how much he is needed he is needed so much. The girls need their big brother. Thanks for reviewing.
Drea LuRuiz – There is still a lot more in store for the Corcorans and I consider Quinn as one of them now. Thank you so much for your reviews.
lovecanbesostrange - Noah just feels so much on the outside right now and he is afraid of reverting back to the rage he had in NY. He wont get there because of his family but he always has that fear. Quinn's breakdown was long overdue and there will be more unfortunately but she now has accepted Shelby as her family. Shelby is awesome but she will be pushed to her limit with everything that will come out. There is only so much a mother can take. She will need every bit of her family to help her pull through this. Shelby cant give in to Rachel's dependency on Santana – it just cant happen again and it won't. Thanks so much for your review. I truly enjoy them.
Abbie – I am so sad that this hit so close to home. A friend of mine has been in the hospital before and had surgery and as much as she wanted to get home because she felt better, it was still very painful and tiring at home. So the girls still have to take it easy. Thanks for your review.
OTHangels – Thanks so much for your review. There is still more in store for all of the kids.
TommyH – More Puck stuff will be coming. Hang on and thanks for always reviewing.
AN: Hi everyone! Thank you for the wishes on the move. It has been wonderful!
Please be warned that the girls talk a little bit more about the abuse. It can be a little intense to read.
Santana looked at Elyse with her arms crossed.
"I know why I'm here," she said quickly.
"You do?" Elyse asked.
"My mom thinks that I need trauma therapy again," she said casually to the floor, her eyes holding her anxiety.
"Do you think that?" Elyse asked.
Santana frowned. "What?" She tightened her arms. "Shouldn't I … That's your job." She shook her head. "Listen, I get that you don't know me other than what Rachel has told you.-" Santana's hand shot out in front of her. "Not everything that she says is true. She's eleven. You should know that you've seen her since she was five, which by the way should be a testament to you as to why she's still in trauma therapy-"
"Santana-" Elyse began.
The brunette shook her head and kept up her hand. "No, both of my sisters are seeing you and it's your job to HELP them. And I'm sorry but you have not been doing your job."
"Santana," the woman said again calmly.
She shook her head and brought her arm back to her chest.
"You... You..." She shook her head. "Why didn't you fix her?" She looked up with tear brimmed eyes. "Sometimes I wonder who she would be..." She continued to the floor. "Who we would be..."
She wiped her tears frantically. "Sorry," she whispered. "I always go to the yelling place. I have rage," she said with a shrug.
Elyse smiled. "Rachel has always told me that you have a vendetta against lamps."
Santana shook her head with a small smile, but it faded. She chewed the inside of her cheek. "Does she really think I'm a violent person?" She looked on the ground again. "I would never hurt her."
"She knows that," Elyse said without hesitation.
The girl shook her head. "You know nothing."
The woman took a breath. "I know that Rachel and I have talked for six years." Santana looked up at her slowly. "I know that she worries about you and is scared for you, but she is not scared of you."
The girl with old eyes in a young body looked back at her with a piercing stare. "You might think that you know us, but you don't." Her tone remained more even than venomous. "Not at all."
Noah waved her over from where she hid next to the counter. Santana looked over at her shoulder at her mother who was still talking on the phone.
"Go," Noah whispered.
Santana frowned but nodded and slowly crept around the island in the kitchen. She reached up slowly on the counter and felt around for what she was looking for. She grabbed it with both of her hands. Got it. She smiled victoriously.
She was about to turn to her brother with a big smile. "Got it!" she whispered.
"No, you don't," a voice said behind her.
She frowned with her lips out and pouted as her father took the sheet cake from her reach. "Daddy!" she whined. "I don't see why we can't eat cake."
"Because it's your Aunt Kate's birthday cake and she's not here. We can't eat cake without her," Leroy said with a chuckle. "Come out, bud. I can see you." She shook his head. "No, cake yet. Mommy is going to get off the phone. Aunt Kate and her … boyfriend, Tom-"
"I thought it was Frank," Noah said opening the refrigerator.
"Noah, son, I know you have the appetite of a whale, but we are going to have a party in a little bit," Leroy said. "Close the refrigerator please."
Noah sighed and closed it. "When it's my birthday, I want a big cake. A better cake." He looked at Santana and continued, "And we'll eat ALL day long!"
"Rachel has her birthday first," Santana reminded walking over to the play pen. "Daddy, can I get her out?"
Leroy smiled at the five year old and said, "Thank you for asking, Santana." He folded his arms over his chest and looked at the small girl. "Do you think you can get Rachel out all by yourself?" He arched his brow. "She may be tiny, Taz, but she's still seventeen and a half pounds."
"Daddy, I've gotten her out before," she said with folding her arms and walking over to the playpen where Rachel was standing peeking slightly over the bar.
The baby smiled. "Nana-nana!"
"Hi," Santana said reaching under Rachel's arms and pulling her up. Rachel barely rose a few inches.
Santana frowned.
"Need some help, Taz?" Leroy asked try to contain his chuckle.
She shook her head. She set Rachel down and stood behind the play pen. "Nope," she said with determination from behind the purple pen. She didn't see her father arch his brow higher with amusement as she pushed the pen with all her might next to the couch. Rachel cooed in the play pen.
"Daddy, what's she doing?" Noah asked as he climbed onto the stool.
"What is she doing?" Shelby asked entering the kitchen.
"She's being her," Leroy muttered as he watched Santana climb onto the couch and reached in so that she was at a better height.
She used her strength to lift Rachel into her arms. "Got her!" she said.
Shelby looked at Leroy with big eyes as she watched her five year old lift her not even year old from the crib with a grunt and fell back slightly on her bottom on the couch with the baby in her lap. "Sanny-" Shelby said with a panicked voice.
"Be gentle," Noah said with a nod clearly echoing something he had heard repeatedly .
"I know," she said as she sat Rachel on her lap. She slide off of the leather couch and she and Rachel sat on the ground in her big sister's lap.
"I want cake," Noah said with a sigh.
"I thought we talked about this, Leroy," Shelby said with a forced smile. "Since that time that Santana tried to get Rachel from the playpen and dropped her. We agreed that neither her nor Noah should take the baby out of the playpen." Shelby continued to smile at the children. She continued with a hurried voice. "Why is Santana taking her out of the playpen?"
Leroy chuckled. "I wanted to see if she could do it. And she asked." He could feel their children's eyes on them. He mumbled through his teeth. "Now we know our tenacious five year old can get the baby out of the playpen."
Shelby chuckled nervously. "We are not leaving them alone again."
"Ironically, they weren't alone. We were here," he whispered.
Santana watched her parents with a frown. "Mumma and Daddy are doing their faces when they're mad or thinking too hard."
Rachel crawled off of Santana's lap and back to the coffee table. She pulled herself to standing using the table.
"I want cake," Noah mumbled coming into the family room and sitting next to Santana.
"Almost had it," Santana muttered as Rachel moved around the coffee table. She frowned. "Aunt Kate doesn't even like cake."
She watched as Rachel stood up and let go of the table.
"Mom!" Noah shouted.
"Noah," Leroy said from kitchen as he entered the living room. "No shouting."
"She's walking!"
Shelby looked over the counter. "Oh my god!" She walked into the family room. She knelt down. "Come here, Rach. Come to Mommy."
Rachel took a few wobbly steps toward Shelby. Santana had seen her mother and and father hold Rachel's hands as she walked a few steps but she had never walked by herself.
"Can she run?" Noah asked. "She can do that faster."
"She has to walk before she runs first,"Leroy smiled as his son kissing him softly on his cheek.
"Come on, Rach," Shelby said as Rachel took a second step toward her mother. "Good job, baby bug!" She took another step.
Santana frowned. "She's gonna fall. Mommy, she's gonna fall! You have to catch her. She's gonna fall!"
Shelby gave her eldest daughter a smile. "Sometimes we fall, Sanny. And that's okay. We'll help her up."
The five year old frowned. "No, she shouldn't fall at all. ever." She looked at her father. "Right, daddy?"
A small cry interrupted them as Rachel fell to the floor and landed on her bottom.
Shelby scooped her up and rocked her. "Good job, Rach. Almost. Good job."
"Mommy, she's crying," she said following her mother into the kitchen. "She's crying."
Shelby smiled and her daughter as the baby in her arms calmed. "She's okay, Sanny. See? She's not crying anymore."
Santana frowned and looked at her mother. "You and Daddy aren't supposed to let her fall. I will never let her fall. It's not nice." She looked at her family seriously. "I will never let her fall."
The mother smiled. "You're an incredible big sister. Rachel is lucky to have you."
Santana returned to the present and looked at the woman. She wiped her eyes and looked at her with a piercing stare.
"Why do you think you are here?" Elyse questioned.
"Because my mother thinks that this is going to force me to remember."
"Is it?" she asked.
"Yes, but … I'm not paralyzed by it," she whispered. She looked at the floor. "I will always remember." She looked at the woman. "I won't ever forget." She licked her lips. "I can't. There's no way." She looked up and watched her. "I don't know what you want me to say. I don't know why I'm here. I shouldn't be here."
Elyse looked at her and shifted her weight. The girl continued with barely above a whisper. "She's scared of me and that kills me. I'll do anything to make her not scared of me."
The woman sighed. "Your mother wouldn't have you here without a reason." Elyse searched her eyes. "She's worried about you."
"I never had triggers like Rachel..." She licked her lips. "I... I did, but they were different and they don't bother me anymore."
"What were they?"
Santana looked at her with a frown. She took a deep breath and exhaled. "I couldn't... " She looked at Elyse and looked at the floor. "I can't... be in small spaces...closets and … I can't …." Santana pushed her tongue into her cheek. "My mom still keeps lights on in the hallway...and I have a night light next to my bed..." she shook her head tearfully. "It's been there since... since we moved... I just haven't moved it... you know?"
"That's okay, Santana," Elyse said gently. "Triggers aren't about eliminating them as much as identifying and coping with them and you've done that."
"I can't go into the closet...I've never... I can't play hide and seek when it's in small spaces..." She looked at Elyse. "They told me in New York that it was …. it was because he put me in the closet when he..." She bit her lip. "When he hurt Rachel."
"Okay," Elyse said sitting back. "Has anything new come up?"
"No," she said quickly.
The woman looked at her. "Are you sure?"
"Apparently not sure enough," she snapped. "Say it. Say what you think has come up."
"How many things have you broken recently, Santana?" Elyse asked.
The girl looked at her and looked away. "I have anger issues. I know that but that doesn't mean I need trauma therapy."
"Santana, I think that perhaps your rage is something we need to work on. In its own way, its a fall back," she said carefully.
"Well, based on your track record," she sneered. "You think you can make me not angry? Make me deal with it?" She shook her head. "You know nothing about me. I am not Rachel." She looked her in the eye for a long moment and stood up. She started toward the door. "I am angry all the time." She looked back at her quickly. "You know what I think about everyday?" Elyse didn't respond but it was clearly a rhetorical question. "I think about the person that he took away, the person that she can never be because of him." She waved her arm toward the door. "And then he took that away from her all over again." She put her hand on her chest. "I will love her no matter what." She shook her head again as tears flowed. She continued slowly, saying each word succinctly "I will be angry about that for the rest of my life." She glared at the woman, "You don't know anything about me or my family. Not even close."
She held the woman's gaze, daring her to speak.
"Santana, don't you think that Rachel mourns who you could have become?"
The question made her stop. It made her freeze.
Elyse continued. "She's not scared of you. She scared for you. She sees what remembering does to you. She thinks she's holding you all back."
"What?" She shook the thought from her mind. The future couldn't loom over her as an impending event; she was too much in the present. "And I see what remembering does to her." Santana looked at the door. "She's not here with me. She's with him. She's stuck. You never helped her with that. We just realized that it wasn't that she didn't remember. It was that she did and she was afraid of saying anything. Afraid of me..." She glared at the woman. "That's on you." She shook her head. "I can't help her if I'm stuck. I can't change what happened." She felt her breath hitch. "I would give anything to..." She squeezed her eyes shut. "I will come and see you because that's what she needs." She glared at the woman. "But you judge me and think that you know me. You don't. "
"Well, if you give me that chance, I would like to try," she said gently.
Santana shook her head. "I'm not priority. My sisters need you to be on your game. And they don't have another six years for you to figure it out." She sneered the last sentence. "My mother respects you." She swallowed the lump in her throat. "I don't and I certainly don't trust you. So don't you dare think that you're going to help me. But I'll be here because Rachel and Quinn need to think that you know what you're doing. So go home do your research and get your act together."
She reached for the door handle and opened the door.
"Thank you," the woman said quietly.
The girl stopped but didn't turn. The door was open slightly.
Elyse continued. "Thank you for giving me a chance."
She looked over her shoulder. "Don't thank me for anything. Get your act together."
With that she exited the room and walked toward the family room. Rachel laid with George clinched to her chest. Her brow was furrowed as she slept and she was trembling slightly. She was laying on her right side. She looked over at Quinn whose eyes were wide open.
"You okay?" she asked quietly as she sat down on the bed.
Quinn gave a slight nod. Santana reached to the side table and grabbed a dull pencil.
"What's this for?" she asked quietly.
"Your cast itches doesn't it?"
The blonde nodded and took the pencil. "Thanks." She narrowed her eyes. "So you're seeing Elyse."
"Yeah," she scoffed. "Let's talk about something else."
Quinn looked at her hand. "I kinda want to talk about how your life sucks right now," she said with a small tremble in her voice. "Please... " she gave a weakened smile. "Tell me."
Santana nodded. "Well, I'm in love with Brittany and the whole school knows... um... My mother thinks I need trauma therapy and the woman had the gall to think that she knows me...Noah is blowing off his senior year and not thinking about his future... I know he feels helpless." She gave a nervous laugh. "He's always felt like he was on the outside, but he's not...uh... We did paintball today."
The blonde frowned. "What?"
"That was bootcamp. The Cheerios and football team vs Christ Crusaders and hockey team," Santana said laying down next to Quinn.
"Did you get that bitch?"
Santana laughed. "Course." She looked at her over at her. "I wish you were there."
The blonde scoffed. "Trust me, me too."
The brunette looked at the ceiling. "Rachel needed you though."
Quinn shook her head. "She asked for you the whole time." She looked at the slightly older girl as she laid on her back. "I'm not a big sister. I don't know how to even be a sister. Me and Frannie weren't exactly...close. I just, I don't know what she needs."
Santana reached down and took her hand. "You're perfect. You're exactly what she needs."
Santana watched as the blonde closed her eyes tightly. "I don't want to let you guys down," she whispered.
She squeezed her hand more tightly. "You won't. We love you, Quinn." she smiled as her eyes pooled. "I never thought that I would be proud to call you my sister but now I cannot imagine life without you." Santana shrugged and let a few tears fall.
"I can't ...She...she knows about... about the baby... I can't." Quinn's bottom lip started to quiver and she began to cry quietly.
"Quinn," she said gently. "She's...She's eleven...She... She doesn't know."
"She … She thinks I'm …. She thinks I wanted it..." Quinn's tears fell without apology.
Santana leaned over and held Quinn. She wrapped her arms around her midsection gently and stroked her hair out of her face. "Shh," she whispered. She wiped her tears with the pad of her thumb.
"She doesn't understand," she whispered. "And if she did," she said gently. "She will always take your side. She'll fight for you." She brushed more hair out of her face. "And so will I."
Quinn shook her head. "I used to hate you."
Santana leaned into her. "I used to hate you more." She rested her head on top of hers and wrapped her arms around her as she planted a gentle kiss on her sister's head. "So much more." She smiled. "I win."
…..
Noah shot a basket into the hoop. The girls were sleeping and San was in talking to that lady. He just needed some air. He needed some air.
"You should be wearing a jacket."
He turned and saw his grandfather. He stopped dribbling the ball and looked at him. "They're glad that you're here. You should go check on them."
"I did. I wanted to check on you."
"I'm fine," he shrugged.
"You're not fine. You're anything but," Michael said. He handed the boy the wind breaker. "Put on a jacket son. It's fall."
Noah sighed and took the jacket and pulled it on.
"Mom thinks I'm giving up," he mumbled.
"Are you?"
Noah laughed. "Can you imagine leaving right now?"
"Of course not," Michael said gently. "Your father knew the first day that you started school that it was going to be a struggle."
"What?" Noah asked.
"Do you remember your first day?"
The boy laughed. "Pop-Pop, I barely even remember that there are two Dakotas and Carolinas. There should be two Ohios, right?"
"Well," Michael said leaning against the patio table next to the garage that led into the backyard. "You um... you … were sent to the principal's office on the first day." He laughed. "You were bored in class. Well at least that's what you told us...anyway, your father bought gum the day before. One of those jumbo packs from Costco. You took it the day before and you decided to use it to stick gum on everyone's seat..."
"I did that to San all the time," Noah shrugged.
"Well, not very many kids are as tough as San," Michael chuckled. "If I recall, even at three Santana always got you back."
Noah shook his head. "Yeah, she sucked. She would put oatmeal in my underwear drawer...or my pillow." He shook his head. "I hate oatmeal."
"What we didn't tell you was that we knew that you didn't like school. And your parents wanted to send you somewhere but-"
Noah shook his head. "I don't care," he said quickly. "What I care is that...I don't know. I just I need to be here."
"What you need to do is fill out those college applications on your desk."
Noah shook his head. "I don't want to … I don't... I don't know if i want to go to school and be stuck in some class room again." He saw the flash in Michael's eyes. "Don't tell Mom yet, she has enough to deal with." He dribbled the ball slightly. "I don't see me doing anything like that...You know …. anything that requires me sitting in a classroom for another four years.-"
"Noah," he began walking toward the boy.
"I wanna do something else...I'm not smart," he grumbled. "Don't pretend that I am."
"We believe in you though. We believe in all the good things that you could be and who you are," Michael said.
He shook his head. "I don't need a pep talk, Pop-Pop."
"You definitely do," he said. "You have a great future Noah you just need to figure it out." He leaned against him. "I know you know what you want you just don't know if you should do it. It was just like that time when your Mom really wanted you to play tennis, but you really wanted to play hockey and football and all those sports that a mother doesn't want her first born to play."
"I don't know," he whispered. "I just don't know."
"I don't know either, son," he whispered. "But I know we're not going to give up on your. Not now. Not ever."
Noah licked his lips. "They're done." He could see his grandfather looking at him. "I finished them. They're done."
Michael frowned. "But you just said..."
"I finish what I start, Pop-Pop..." He looked at the older man. "They were finished for a while. It took me awhile to save up for all those application fees, especially because I don't work during the football season. Though Mom hasn't noticed I took money out of the joint account she had me put my summer money in..." He laughed. "Working that damn ATM card took me a few days to figure out... Whitney had to help me..."
"You gave your girlfriend -"
"Ex-girlfriend," he clarified.
"Whatever," Michael said. "She has your pin number?"
"No... I have hers," Noah shrugged. I just made her show me how to take out money from the ATM." He looked at his grandfather nonchalantly. "Anyway... They're done..." His face became solemn again. "I don't know if I want to send them..." He licked his lips and leaned against the side of the house. "It's one thing... to fail on your own... it's another to fail in front of everyone else." He shook his head. "Rach checks the mail... that's her job...That and making the grocery list..." He looked at the sky. "I don't want her handing me a rejection letter and watch me open it."
"Noah, you're not going to fail," Michael assured.
"I might," he said honestly. "But I'm doing this for nothing..." He looked at his grandfather. "I can't struggle through school for another four years...I can't be surrounded by some hot-" His grandfather looked at him with a clear of his throat. Noah continued. "By girls and parties when I'm needed here."
"Send them in, Noah," Michael said. "We'll do it together."
Noah narrowed his eyes. "I don't see my future with a piece of paper that says I know crap. I just don't."
"We can look at other options, but you need to explore these," he assured.
…..
Shelby walked up the stairs sat on the stairs with her head in her hands.
"Shel?"
She looked up and her sister was looking back at her. She just gave a weak nod and looked up. Joey sat down quietly.
"You want to talk?"
"No," she muttered. "I can't." She sighed and looked at her sister. "I can't talk, because if I start to talk I might cry. I'm exhausted. I can't breathe. I am stuck. I haven't been …. in this place for a long time." Joey looked at her. questioningly. "Every moment when I slow down and breathe. All I hear is them and the cries that I wasn't able to sooth." She shook her head. "And now Quinn... Do you know how many times I saw that girl and they way she looked at her father... The way she looked when she was picked up from school..." She squeezed her eyes shut. "I knew that there was something wrong..." She shook her head forcing the thoughts from her mind.. "So the answer is no, I can't talk. Not now."
They heard the door open to the study. It creaked slightly as they did. Santana's voice echoed down the stairs. "Don't thank me for anything. Get your act together."
Shelby felt a frustrated grown release.
"Shelby, she's mad, let her-" Joey began.
"No, no, no," Shelby said throwing her hands in the air and rising to her feet. "I get that she's mad, but she can't speak to anyone like that," Shelby argued as she began to stand up.
"Take a moment and cool down. Quinn's awake. Let them have a moment before you..."
"Thanks for being here," she whispered. She looked at her hands. "I need to get through this day." She searched her sister's eyes. "That's all."
She stood up and walked up the stairs.
"Shelby," Joey called.
"Not now," she muttered. "Not yet."
She walked into the living room and saw the girls talking quietly. Santana was holding Quinn quietly. She gave a brief smile thanking whatever God there was for the progress the girls had made. They had gone from hating each other to needing each other.
"Are you ready to go in?" Shelby asked walking over to the girls.
Santana and Shelby helped Quinn sit up slightly. Quinn gave a tiny nod. "What am I talking about exactly?" Quinn asked as she stood up with a groan. Her body continued to ache.
Shelby looked at her quietly. "Everything," she said gently. "Anything."
Quinn looked at Shelby and bit the side of her lip. She didn't want to talk to Elyse. She was tired. She wanted to lay down. However, a tiny, miniscule part of her wanted to. There was an illusion that she had in her head of a twenty-something Quinn who had told her fears and dirty past and was now put-together because of it. However, the rest of her didn't want to invest that energy or sacrifice that dignity to get there.
"Quinn," Shelby said, appearing in front of her. "You can't skip anymore. You skipped that day and -"
"And think of what would have happened if I hadn't skipped that day," she said with burst of passion, but then she immediately felt empty and raw. She deflated. "I'm sorry."
The blonde saw a tiny flash in the woman's eyes and the young girl regretted her words. She glanced over at Santana as the brunette climbed into bed with Rachel.
"I don't know what to talk about," she hissed. "You can't fix this."
"Think about it like this," Shelby said. "Everyone has a junk drawer. Therapy isn't about getting rid of that junk drawer. It's about giving it some organization, because right now, in this moment, you can't even begin to start looking through it. Elyse can help you sort through it."
Quinn looked at the woman she had grown to depend on. "It's her job to fix things... fix people."
Shelby wrapped her arms gently around Quinn. "People don't need fixing as much as they need support and reminders that who they are is acceptable." She pulled back and looked at Quinn. "It's the fight to make you into something you're not, to silence that rage and all of that overflowing emotion inside that causes people to explode and lose control of their junk drawer." She looked for an understanding. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"You really believe that everyone is good and just at some point they get lost?" Quinn looked at her incredulously. "You can't possibly think that." She leaned forward and looked toward Rachel and Santana. "You can't."
"To me, Quinn, life is about coexisting with the ambiguous and the ability to embrace what we don't understand. So much is beyond reason. And people lose themselves trying to simplify things."
The girl frowned. "It can't be that simple. It's not."
"You're right," Shelby said resting her head on the top of Quinn's. "It's not and it is all at once."
Quinn leaned into her. "All at once is right."
"I know you don't want to talk about things," she said. "It doesn't have to be all at once. But it has to start somewhere."
Quinn nodded. She pulled away and looked at Shelby carefully. The woman gave her a gentle nod. Quinn took a breath and walked to the woman who waited at the entrance to the study. She couldn't help but feel dread. She opened the door and walked into the room.
"Hi, Quinn," Elyse said as the girl sat down cautiously.
"You left quickly this morning," Quinn said. She remembered watching Elyse leaving from the center.
"I needed to run back to the office and run home," she said casually.
"You have a life outside of our crazy ones don't you?"
"Let's talk about today," she said casually.
"I don't want to. I can't," she said clearly. "I am comfortable here and this will help me... living here. Being with them I mean. But I don't want to talk about anything that happened I will deal with it myself." She took a deep breath. "Please help Rachel."
"It helps to talk about things," she offered.
"Not for me," she said.
"You seem all in your head, Quinn," Elyse began.
"You can't all expect me to talk to you. To trust you. I don't talk about my feelings that's just not me," she said crossing her arms.
"Have you given it a chance?"
Quinn narrowed her eyes. "Yes, and isn't it your job not to force anything. Isn't it supposed to be when I'm ready?" She scoffed. "Newsflash, I'm not ready."
"Ideally, yes," she began "we would want you to be ready".
"But?" Quinn sneered.
"But your father's trial is coming up." Quinn avoided her eye contact. "We can avoid a trial if we have all of the facts."
"That's not possible," Quinn said.
"There is clear evidence against your father," Elyse explained. "But you being hesitant... it's not helping."
The blonde looked at the ground.
"There are so many gaps that you need to fill in Quinn," she said gently. "Because if you don't, they're going to try to fill all of those gaps in themselves. And they won't be right..."
The teenager didn't reply. She looked at the ground. "I don't know what you expect me to say..."
"What you've been through, Quinn, is not right. It's terrible. I know it's unfair to ask you to talk about something that you've held in for so long. It's scary and hard …"
"You don't know," she interrupted shaking her head. "You can't..." She looked at the ground.
"I know that you can trust me," Elyse said. Quinn scoffed. "I had a patient that started with me at five years old. She didn't trust me. So she didn't talk to me for about a month. All we did was color. This was hard for her because generally she was quite the talker, but only to her family, to the people that she trusted." She looked at Quinn and Quinn couldn't help but wonder if that patient she was talking about was Rachel. "I wish we had months, Quinn to build that trust, but your father's trial is very soon." She shook her head. "I'm sorry that we can't take the time for you to open up and trust me at your own pace..."
"Of all the things that I don't have, more time to trust isn't something I miss," she whispered. "I know that you're trying." She shook her head. "In all honesty, it's not you."
"What is it?"
"I think it's... it's the fact that you're just … you're gonna be one more person." The woman looked at her questioningly. "You're one more person besides the person in my head that will know." She shook her head. "I can deal with rumors and whispers. It's the truth that's scarier. The truth won't set me free and crap... It's hard no matter how you say it." She shook her head. "I don't know how to talk about this..."
The woman took a deep breath. "I don't expect it to all come out at once Quinn but it has to. Holding it in is not possible. Its not healthy for you and because of the situation it needs to come out and I would rather it come out while you are in therapy than while you are on the witness stand."
"Everyone knowing... Everyone knowing what... what I didn't do...That I stayed... It's not that I didn't know it was wrong... or that I didn't want to fight. It's not that simple. I stayed because …. " she trailed off. "Its weak. I'm weak."
"You're anything but," Elyse said strongly. "You are incredible. You have dealt with things beyond most people's comprehension..."
"And soon they'll all know..." she replied as a lone tear fell.
"They're going to ask about your relationship with your parents... with your father... about the baby..." she said gently. "I don't want that to be a surprise for you."
Quinn continued to stare at the floor.
Elyse went on. "Quinn we need to know - do you know who the baby's father was and what happened to the baby? Did you have an abortion because if you did we need to know how you got one with you being only 16 years old now and-"
"I lost the baby," she said blankly with drained eyes.
"Lost how?" Elyse asked.
Quinn shook her head and ran into the half bathroom attached to the study.
"I can't...I can't... I can't..." She sobbed after she heaved.
Quinn didn't hear the door open but she felt a hand on her shoulder. She jumped. Her chest was heaving. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't concentrate. She couldn't barely even be.
"Shhh... It's just me..." She looked over her shoulder and Shelby was holding her. She leaned back into Shelby. "Shhh." Shelby looked over at Elyse. "We're done here. That's enough."
….
Noah entered the family room and peeled off his jacket as he watched Quinn disappear into the study and his mother linger in the kitchen. He curled up in the sofa chair next to the girls' beds.
"Hey," he muttered when he spotted Santana looking at him. The older girl was sitting up with Rachel lying on her lap.
"Hey," she smiled as she brushed Rachel's hair out of her face.
"She sleep through the afternoon?" Noah asked.
Santana nodded. "Yeah. She should be waking up soon."
Noah watched her sleep quietly clenching onto her money. "It's funny..." he muttered and looked back at the television
"What?" Santana asked with a hint of edge in her voice.
"She uh... a few weeks ago she was complaining to me that we don't treat her like a grown up," he gave a distant laugh. He watched her stir slightly and fold herself into Santana's side. He lowered his tone. "Now... she... Now she won't leave your side..." He swallowed and his face became very solemn and low. He looked sharply back at the television. "It's just... It's not funny...You know what I mean..."
Santana looked down at Rachel and pulled her to her. "She's gonna be fine, Noah," she whispered. "She's gonna be fine."
She watched as her brother flipped through the channels with a frown. "Don't do that," he said quietly.
"Do what?" she frowned.
"Nothing's going to be fine, San. Don't pretend that it is."
He could see his sister frowning at him without looking at her. "You don't-" she began.
"You're pretending that everything is fine so that you can pick up all the pieces," he said with a shake of his head. "Don't pretend she'll be fine."
"Noah, don't say that," she said quietly. "Please. She will be fine. We all will. I'm not … I'm not giving up on her..."
"You're not fine, San," Noah whispered. "No one is." He looked at her with a understanding eyes. "In a way you already have."
"What the hell is going on with you?" she asked. "Something is up."
He shook his head. "Other than all the other shit that hit the fan. Nothing."
"Noah, I know you aren't fine either but get your shit together because Rachel and Quinn need us more than ever," she said looking down at Rachel.
He sighed and looked at her. "I have your back, San. I'll be here for you."
She narrowed her eyes and watched him carefully. "I know that," she finally whispered. "I always have." She looked at him. "Remember when we pretended we were superheroes together?"
He smile. "Yeah..." He chuckled. "That was pretty fun, huh?"
"We can be superheroes together," she whispered. "Like we used to."
He looked at her with a small smile. "But the thing about superheroes, San, is that they're anything but super in real life. They become superheroes because they don't know how to be human." He shook his head. "We shouldn't pretend like that." He smiled at her. She looked back at him with a faltered face. "You gotta stop being so tough."
"Ditto." She smiled and looked at her brother. "You're the best man I know, Noah," she whispered. "I hope you know that."
"I'm the best brother," he said with a laugh. "I'm the only brother. Unless you compare me to Griff and Dex...They're not much competition."
She smiled. "Thanks for that clarification." Her smile faded into slight seriousness. " No, I mean the best man," she smiled.
Rachel shifted in her arms. She let out a small moan.
"Wanna know something weird?" Noah asked watching Rachel. "You want me to take her for a bit?"
Santana looked at her brother and he went on. "She's fine," she whispered pulling the blanket up higher and Rachel snuggled in more and shifted more into Santana's lap. "What's weird?"
"She hasn't needed the neb," he whispered. "Weird huh?"
Santana looked at him carefully and then looked at the girl in her lap. "She doesn't need it."
"But why?"
He watched as Santana shifted and wrapped her arms around her. He watched as Santana's face became more vulnerable than he had seen in a long time.
"What?" he asked.
She looked at Rachel as the young girl frowned and opened her eyes with a jump letting out a small gasp. "Shh," she whispered shifting her weight and lifting her into her arms allowing Rachel to sit on her lap and lean the side of her body into her so she was facing Noah.. "I'm right here."
Noah looked at his sisters as Santana rubbed Rachel's back and hushed her back to sleep. In a few moments, Rachel was snoring softly.
"She doesn't need her neb," Santana whispered to him. "She has me."
He watched them carefully. He watched the defeat and distance in her eyes. He stood up and reached for Rachel. "Let me have her," he said taking her gently.
"I have her," she whispered weakly as her eyes filled with tears. He could see that it was too much. "I'm fine."
He took Rachel in his arms as Santana exhaustively let go. "Scoot over, buckwheat," he said with a grin, shifted Rachel effortlessly in his arms.
Santana frowned and moved over on the double sized bed. "My hair has calmed since I had it permanently straightened." She wiped her eyes. "That nickname no longer applies."
"Sure," he chuckled, effortlessly adjusting Rachel in his arms and laying on the bed next to Santana so that Rachel rested on his chest and Santana leaned into his side.
"I can hold her you know," she whispered leaning against his shoulder.
"I know you can, but you should sleep." He smiled using his free arm to wrap around Santana. "Now be quiet. Sportscenter is coming on."
…..
Shelby tucked Quinn in and saw her other three sound asleep. She took a deep breath.
She looked up and spotted Elyse coming out of the study.
"We should talk."
Shelby nodded. "We definitely should."
She followed her back into the study and closed the door.
"These girls don't trust me," Elyse said.
"Have you met them? Trust doesn't grow on trees with them."
"We don't have time for that though," she replied. "We have the trial... trials..."
Shelby shook her head. "I understand that the trial is looming but...we need some kind of consistency here."
"I know that I'm just concerned for them," Elyse said.
Shelby sighed. "How many sessions a week do you suggest?" she asked, moving on from the conversation.
Elyse thought for a moment. "Three for Santana and five day for Quinn and Rachel."
Shelby sighed. "I'm just... okay... Okay..." She nodded forcing herself to refocus. "Okay."
"Do you need me to speak to Rachel?"
"Yes...We...I need help talking to her...about sex," Shelby whispered. "I need to straighten things out."
Elyse nodded. "Let me go out and get some coffee and I'll be back."
"Of course," she replied.
She walked her to the door. "Thank you for all of this."
The woman nodded again. "Of course."
The mother turned and walked back into the family room. She leaned down and felt Quinn's forehead. She knew she had to monitor their temperatures as their bodies slowly healed. Quinn felt slightly warm but she knew she had been worked up. She decided to let her sleep a little longer before waking her up for her medication. She glanced at the clock on the wall as she went to Rachel who was still laying on Noah's chest and protected by Santana's arm. It was time to give her another round of cream. The pain must be setting in.
She felt Rachel's forehead and it felt slightly warm, too. The girl's eyes fluttered open.
"Hey there, bug," she whispered.
"Mumma, I hurt," she whispered back.
"I know," she replied.
Shelby gently untangled Rachel and miraculously didn't wake the other two. "Let's go upstairs and we can put more cream on and -"
"I want Sanny to do it."
Shelby looked at her exhausted child.
"I want Sanny to do it," she said a little more loudly.
"Come on, Rachel," the mother said with a smile. "Let's go upstairs please."
Rachel shook her head frantically and reached for Santana's hand. "I want Sanny to do it."
Shelby looked up and Joey stood at the entry to the kitchen ready to assist. She looked back down at her daughter. "Mumma, I want Sanny to do it." Rachel turned and shook Santana hand which in turn shook Noah. "Sanny wake up. Can you help me?"
Rachel had been her only child, including Quinn who could easily ask for help. However, she was still a child and she wasn't asking the right person. She was too young to realize that Santana was too young too.
"Rachel, Santana is not going to help you do that," Shelby said with more force in her voice. "Santana, go back to sleep."
Too late. Santana and Noah leaned up. "What do you need, bug?" she asked. "I can do it, Mom," she dismissed.
"No, Santana," Shelby said. "You won't." She looked over her shoulder at Quinn. Let's talk about this in the kitchen please."
Ushering the girls into the kitchen, Noah stayed in the living room pretending to separate himself from the approaching fight.
"Mom, I can handle whatever this is," Santana said.
Rachel looked at her mother for approval.
"No," Shelby argued. "This isn't a debate, girls. Rachel, Santana is not helping you do this. Come on let's go upstairs."
The older girl looked at her mother indignantly. "She wants me to help her," she argued. "Let me help her."
Shelby wasn't having this argument. She just wasn't.
"Mom," Santana urged.
"No!" Shelby yelled bringing the room to a stop and causing both Rachel and Santana to jump. "No," she said more quietly. "Come on, bug."
"You're just mad because she wants me," Santana said as Rachel still held onto her arm. "You're jealous of your own daughter!"
Shelby took a deep breath. Joey could tell she was counting to ten in her head. "It's not that, Santana." She looked at her daughter. "This isn't your responsibility. Simple as that." She turned to Rachel. "Let's go, Rachel," she said gently but insistently. She held out her hand. Rachel looked at her aunt and grandmother who nodded at her to go with her mother. She took her mother's hand and followed her slowly in that direction. She looked over at Santana.
The sixteen year old furrowed her brow and shook her head at the injustice. "Can't I go be with her with whatever you're going to do?"
"No," Joey said stepping in. Santana looked at her with big eyes. "No, San. Let your mother do this."
Santana watched Rachel and Shelby slowly make their way upstairs. She looked at her grandmother and aunt. "What the hell!"
"Santana!" Helen said sharply.
The girl waved her arms and her eyes widened in explosive emotion. "No! She needed me. Rachel wanted me and you're just siding with her because -"
Joey straightened and looked at the girl with a set jaw. "This," she said. "This right here proves that you cannot be with her, Santana. It's not about you against your mother."
"Yes, it is!" she said. "She doesn't trust me!"
Helen closed the sliding doors into the family room. "She trusts you so much," she said carefully.
"Clearly she doesn't," she snapped.
"Is that what you think? That this is about trust?" Joey asked.
"It's hard for her, Santana." She paused. "Harder than you think for her."
Santana frowned. "I know that," she muttered. "But Rachel needs me. Why can't she let me help?"
"Because as tough as you are, Santana, Rachel is not your responsibility."
"Of course, she is," she argued.
"No, she's not," Joey urged. "You're sixteen." She shook her head. "Do you know what Rachel wanted you to do?"
Santana ferocity in her face faltered and she shook her head blankly. "No, but I would do it..."
Joey licked her lips and took a deep breath. "Rachel is bruised, scratched and raw underneath." Joey watched with a heavy heart as Santana's face fell. "Your mom is applying cream that helps heal and sooth that ache. She has to put it inside of Rachel..." Santana looked at the floor. "I know you're tough, San. But that doesn't mean that you need to take responsibility for that."
She wiped her falling tears. "I can handle it. I can handle that," she whispered.
"But you don't need to," Helen urged.
"Your mom understands, Santana," Joey continued. "It's not that she's jealous of you. You are still her child. You are not the parent. What I mean is that she sees how much you need Rachel as much as you need her." She looked the into the dark eyes of her niece. "I know that you play a big role here and you always will, but you don't have to." She sighed and watched as Santana leaned against the counter. "You need to understand that difference." Joey leaned against the counter next to the girl. "You don't talk to her."
"What?" Santana asked with a frown.
"Mom, will you excuse us?" Joey asked.
Helen took a deep breath and kissed Santana on the forehead. "I love you, sweet girl. Tough or not."
"You too, Nana," she whispered.
Joey waited until she was gone from the room before she continued. "You came to me about the boys and not her. She is your mother, Santana and sometimes I think you forget that. I know you don't have children and I pray to St. Joseph, Mary and Jesus Christ that you do not have children anytime soon." Santana gave a small smirk. Joey continued. "Think about it, San, her daughter isn't coming to her but is going to everyone else. However, your mother has a strange grace about her that where she feels gratitude that you're talking to anyone. You're a tough cookie to crack, San."
Santana scoffed. "You did," she whispered. "I can't talk to her like I talk to you. She …. She sees me as a disappointment. She's so perfect and I just... I can't let her down."
"You don't," Joey replied. "She's so proud of you and she loves you so much. It's not that she doesn't trust you. It's hard because you don't come to her and Rachel comes to you."
"So she is jealous?"
"It's not that easy, Santana and you know it." She looked at the young girl. "She's the grown up, Santana. Not you."
"We're all grown ups," she clarified.
"In a lot of ways you are," Joey agreed. "But in so many more you're not. Rachel clinging to you is more than just an old instinct. It's also a crutch."
"What?" she frowned. "That's not true."
Joey sighed. "You need to let your mother handle, Rachel. You can support her without being a parent. You're..." she trailed off as she looked at her niece.
"What?" Santana asked.
"You're acting like you were when your mother first got you back," Joey finished. "You can support her and Quinn without parenting them." She looked at her carefully. "We can't fall back into those habits. We'll get stuck."
Santana looked at the ground and folded her arms more tightly across her chest. "I know that this is hard for her," she whispered. "But I'm not a child."
"Honestly, San, you are," Joey said bluntly. "And your mother is making a genuine effort to conserve the last piece of childhood you have left."
"That's gone," Santana whispered.
"It's not," Joey replied. "Rachel will always have you as a sister, but she doesn't need you to be the mother and you need to understand that that's okay."
"She needs me," she muttered. "And she still has you, but that doesn't mean you have to be the grown up."
"She's scared of me... or for me...whatever," she whispered. She looked at her aunt. "This isn't the person I want to be for the rest of my life. This isn't what I want."
"How can we help you change it?"
"Santana looked toward the stairs. "I guess I …. I have to try."
"Try what?"
"To let go..." For the first time Santana released that she wasn't losing Rachel as much as she was doing exactly what her aunt was encouraging her to do: take the proper role.
…...
After some tears and whimpered sobs, Rachel was changed and back downstairs. Elyse had returned and was waiting for them. Shelby watched the back of Rachel's head as she walked slowly into the study. On her way in, she spotted Santana back on the bed in the family room. Rachel walked over to her gingerly and Santana handed her the stuffed monkey and quietly encouraged Rachel to talk to Elyse. Rachel leaned against Shelby once they were in the study. Neither one of them wanted to have this conversation.
"Hi, Rach," Elyse said. She smiled at the girl. "You've had a long couple of days huh?"
Rachel nodded and looked up at her mother.
"We're going to talk, Rachel," Shelby said. "I'm going to answer some of your questions and Elyse is going to just help us if I can't answer any of them."
Shelby watched as the eleven year old hesitated and looked at her again before she looked at Elyse. The girl looked so small.
"Come sit with me, Rach," Shelby said gently as she moved away from her to sit on the large sofa couch.
Rachel raised her shoulder on one side higher to her and she looked at mother with a tiny shake of her head. "I'm okay. I don't... I don't want to know anymore..."
"Come here, Rach," the mother said.
Rachel looked at Elyse and quietly walked over to her mother with careful steps. "I don't... have questions... I know what rape is," she whispered after a few minutes. Shelby looked at Elyse with a deep breath. Here they go. She looked at the ground and shifted slightly away from her mother. "It's when … it's when you don't want it," she muttered. "I just... I don't..." She looked at her mother. "I don't understand all of it."
Shelby took a deep breath. Rachel bit her lip.
She went on. "But I don't know if I wanna know... I don't want to have sex..." Shelby watched as the tears flowed. "I don't know..." She looked at her mother. "I used to think we would live happily ever after." Rachel looked at her hands. "I don't think a prince will ever love me."
The mother gave a trembling breath. She gave her a weak smile. "Rachel, you will have the most royal and epic love you can ever dream of. Sometimes it just takes awhile to find it. But you're right. Rape is when you don't want to have sex."
"Yes, …. but how do people ever want it though?" she whispered. She stared at her hands and the last question came out as a quiet exhale. "How will it not hurt?"
Shelby took another deep breath. "You get... there's um... uh... It's all very complicated, bug."
Rachel looked up at her patiently. Elyse nodded at Shelby.
"Bodies naturally... um... " Shelby licked her lips. "Sex is natural, Rach. It's not meant to be scary. It's complex and beautiful, but it requires so much trust between two people."
"Sanny and Noah and Quinn had sex... And they liked it," Rachel said.
The mother took another deep breath and her eyes widened. "I can't speak for them, Rachel."
"Quinn's dad raped her too right?"
The bluntness of the statement hit Shelby hard and deep in the gut.
The mother took yet another deep breath. "I … um... Yes, she was..." She looked at Elyse. She tried to form words. "I … uh..." She looked at Elyse and the woman nodded. "She... bodies... sex can make you feel better... sometimes... your body can be... manipulated …."
Rachel shook her head. "I don't understand." She looked at Elyse. "Quinn's dad hurt her like that... and she was still able to move on...you know?" She looked at the two adults. "Right?"
Shelby looked at her daughter. She wasn't ready to tackle that. She didn't know about all of Quinn's past. She felt a surge in her stomach as she realized all of those things that she didn't know or how Quinn coped with them.
"Rachel, Quinn went through something very complex and hurtful and hard," Elyse said after Shelby didn't answer.
Shelby could feel her youngest trembling in her arms. "I …. I was in the hospital for …. for a long time by myself... after Papa Hiram..." She shook her head in an absence of understanding. "Why wasn't she there too because her dad?"
She was caught. Her body froze as she stared at Rachel. She didn't know what to say. All she could remember was the brutality of Rachel and the equal unfathomable but different brutality of Quinn. All she could do was stare at Rachel. Words were beyond her.
"Rachel, everyone is different," Elyse began.
"I know that," she whispered. "I just want ….. I just want to understand because I'm tired of feeling different...I just... I want to feel the same." She looked at her mother. "Please...explain to me why Noah can... do it in the car... and San... well... I heard Noah yelling at her once... She sleeps with different boys...and Quinn did it to have a baby... but I just... I always end up in the hospital..." Her chin trembled. "What's wrong with me?"
Shelby looked at Elyse. She shook her hand. "I can't..."
"Rachel, when …" Elyse paused and looked at Shelby. The mother only nodded and watched her hand guide itself through Rachel's hair. "What Mr. Schuester did to you was wrong. There is nothing wrong with you."
Rachel looked and stared at her mother and therapist. The room was quiet.
"He told me things..." Rachel said leaning her head to the side. Her breath hitched. "I don't know what I did..." Shelby could feel her trembling. "He was on top of me and ….. and he... he made me touch him. He..." Her chin quivered. "He made these noises and told me that I needed to be a good girl. And... then...and then he …. All this stuff came out and he … and he wiped it on me..."
Shelby shuddered. She couldn't hear this. She couldn't hear her eleven year old daughter talk about this.
"Rachel, that's called semen," Elyse said steadily. "It's part of a sexual urge and when it releases it feels good."
"Do I have semen?" she asked innocently.
"No," Elyse said. "But women do … have a release of their own. It physically is to help lubricate so that the man can put his penis inside."
Rachel frowned. Shelby could see her thinking, but all she wanted to do was throw up. "He used to do that to Santana."
Shelby pulled away. "What?"
Rachel looked at the floor. "I remembered...It was like a bad dream..." She played with her hands. "Papa Hiram used to make Santana put his... penis... in her mouth and then... he put the white stuff...the semen... on my clothes."
Elyse looked warily at Shelby. She could feel the eyes of her friend on her, but as her daughter spoke all she felt was fractured. She knew that happened. She knew that he had done that to Santana. She hadn't heard it directly from her herself, they have never talked about it. She had learned about it in court, from Santana's therapist, but hearing it from Rachel as Rachel brought it to the present from deep in her memory made Shelby want to throw up.
"He said that I had to put my hand on it or he would put it in my mouth," Rachel whispered.
"Who said that, Rach?" Elyse asked trying to muddle through these questions.
"Mr. Schuster," she muttered. Shelby stifled her breath. "Is that what he was trying to do to me?" Rachel didn't seem to absorb the meaning of the looks the two adults were giving. "When he said that I needed to get wet?"
Elyse gained her strength. "He was trying to give you some physical stimulation, yes."
"But it hurt," she whispered. "Am I broken?"
"No, Rachel," Shelby said snapping out of her daze. "Not one bit."
She looked at her mother. "He bent me over... and … rubbed me...I don't know... It hurt... then he told me it was my fault it hurt and put something in me."
"Do you know what he put in you?" Elyse asked.
"No," she whispered.
Shelby sighed. "You're not broken, Rachel," she repeated in a whisper. "It's okay."
Rachel buried her face in her mother's chest. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't know...I don't know what happened."
"I know, bug," she whispered. "I know."
"I don't want to talk about this anymore. I don't ….. I don't want to ask anymore questions," she whispered.
"Alright," Elyse said carefully. "You're not broken Rachel. When you're ready and things are right, it will be beautiful. But you're still young. You all are."
…...
An hour later, Elyse had long since left and they had all been fed and medicine had been ingested.
Shelby handed Quinn a bottle of water and a few pills. "Sit up and take this," she instructed. "Rachel, you too," she said handing Rachel a few other pills and her own bottle of water. She was seated in Santana's lap. Casually leaning against her in silence.
"Play with us, Quinn," Santana said reaching around the eleven year old as she set up the Scrabble board on the TV table between the beds.
"No, I'm fine," Quinn replied.
"Come on, we do it by teams," Noah encouraged.
"Only because you suck at spelling," Santana reminded.
"You and I can be on a team," Shelby suggested as she adjusted Quinn's pillows so that the blonde could sit up.
"Fine," she mumbled with a faint smile..
"Wanna play?" Santana asked quietly into Rachel's ear.
The girl has barely talked since she came out of her time with Elyse. She simply held onto Santana in silence. Dinner hadn't been as much as a struggle as it was simply tiring. However, it was the same as before. Quinn had to be reminded to eat as Rachel was basically talked through it. Evening settle and now they were basically waiting for the girls' medicine to set in.
Rachel shook her head and leaned back to into Santana's chest.
"Kay," Santana whispered drawing the tiles. "Let's see."
Noah whispered in her ear and Santana laid down the first word. "Cat"
Rachel looked up at Noah and Santana was a slight frown. Santana shrugged. "You didn't want to play, bug. Therefore, Noah and I will put down the words."
Quinn grinned and whispered into Shelby's ear. Shelby played their tiles. "Tenacious."
Noah looked at the women. "Whoa, that's a good word." He nodded at Santana and they put down their word. "Sit."
Rachel looked at Noah in frustration. "What?" he asked.
Shelby watched Quinn smile again. "Thrust."
Shelby grinned. "Whoa triple word score. Good move, Quinn."
"What should we do?" Noah whispered. "I think we can spell 'is.' Why do we always get the stupid letters that can't spell anything"?
Rachel glared up at them. "Do you have something to say?" Santana asked.
The girl looked at the board as if it was obvious what move to do.
"Yes?" Noah asked. "You want to do 'is' too?"
"No," Rachel frowned. "You have to play quiz," she burst out. "The Q and Z land on triple letters," she said with an exasperated sigh.
Santana smiled. "Really? They do?"
Noah laughed. "Now would you look at that," he said with a grin as he laid down the tiles.
Rachel sat back against Santana's chest again and mumbled something. "What was that?" Santana asked.
"Sixty-two points," Rachel said more loudly. "Your is would have been worth two..." She looked at her family. "Just saying."
"Too bad you're not playing, bug," Shelby said. "Looks like that team needs you."
She shrugged.
Quinn and Shelby played 'zones' and landed on a double word tile as well as a triple letter for thirty-two points.
Noah reached over and played a word without consulting anyone. He added 'est' to "Quiz."
"Noah," Rachel hissed. "That's not a word."
"It's not," Shelby assured with a grin.
"You're not playing, Rach," he said with a shrug. "It's a word, Ma."
She sighed and shook her head. "Noah, that's not a word and that is cheating."
"It is a word-" he argued.
"It's really not," Santana assured.
"What does it matter," he said rolling his eyes as he took the tiles off the board. "You said you weren't playing."
"Now I am so get it off the board," she said pulling on Santana's shirt. "Play this word instead."
Twenty minutes and ninety-three points later, Noah, Santana and Rachel lost only by two points. Quinn had laid back into the pillow and was just whispering words for Shelby to play. She was the first to fall asleep as she whispered words with her eyes closed. Rachel too couldn't fight sleep and slumped back against Santana.
"She asleep?" Santana asked her mother.
Shelby nodded. They picked up the game and tucked the girls in. Noah slouched in the bed next to Rachel and turned on the television.
"Hold on, Noah, can I talk to you two in the kitchen please?"
Santana exchanged a look with her brother as they followed Shelby into the kitchen. It reminded Santana of the time that she and Noah filled up water balloons with pudding and threw them at the neighbor's house after their dog had scared Rachel.
"Thank you for all your help today," she said briefly.
Santana looked at her mother.
"What?"
Shelby went on. "You both are still grounded, but it's eight and I want you to get out of the house." Shelby frowned. "Your grandfather offered to take you out for ice cream and I believe that Brittany and Michael Chang will meet you there."
"Seriously?" Santana asked.
Shelby laughed. "Yes," she said with an amused grin. "You're still being escorted, but I want you guys to get out of the house.
"You don't need us here?" Noah asked.
"Go get your coat. Your grandfather is outside." Noah hesitated and looked into the living room. "You'll call if something happened?"
Shelby nodded. "They'll be fine. Get your coats."
"Noah, grab mine," Santana called as he left the room. She looked at her mother hesitantly. She noticed her aunt and grandmother lingering at the sink still cleaning up from dinner. "I wanted to apologize," she whispered. "About before."
Shelby frowned for a moment, thinking. "Oh, thank you, Santana. I know it was confusing but it's not your responsibility." She took Santana's hands. "Santana, I know that I wasn't there before but I am here now and for forever - I love that you are willing to step in but you are 16 years old and I am not going to let you become a parent you are too young. Now go and get ice cream with your grandfather before I change my mind and put you to bed early with the girls."
The girl gave a tiny smile. "This is hard for me, Mom," she whispered. "Letting go. I can kinda see why, but it's still hard."
"I know," Shelby muttered and pulled her into a hug. "Thank you for trying."
Santana nodded into her chest. "Thank you, too."
Shelby sighed and watched her children leave out the back door. She sat heavily at the counter on one of the bar stools and Joey set a glass of wine in front of her. "The day's almost done," she assured.
Shelby rolled her eyes and took a sip.
"Physically, how are they doing?" Helen asked as she dried her hands.
"Their incision sites are fine. Low grade fevers but that's to be expected. Rachel's still pretty … raw," Shelby managed. "I think the cream is helping. The girls might wake up in the middle of the night for some pain meds. Do we still have plenty of those Ensure shakes they can take their meds with?"
Helen nodded as she double checked the fridge. "Yup, I ran to the store earlier." Shelby looked at her thankfully.
"Is Rachel in bed for the night? Do you need to change her?" Joey asked.
"She's all set. She's wearing a pad to bed so I won't disturb her unless she wakes up on her own and wants to be changed," Shelby replied glancing into the living room. "Applying that stuff isn't getting any easier. She exhausts herself sobbing and then... we went and talk to Elyse and that exhausted me."
Shelby looked into her glass of wine with a shake of her head willing herself not to lose it. As if on queue, Bear walked through the back door.
"Hey stranger, where were you all afternoon?" Joey asked kissing her husband.
Bear eyed Shelby. "We need to talk."
The mother sighed. "Can I finish my glass of wine first?"
Bear nodded grabbing a beer. "You're gonna want another," he said heavily.
There you go. Let me know what you think. Not as long as I wanted it to be, but still about 11,500. I hope it's alright. Please review.
Thank you for your endless support of this little story and taking this ride with me. Don't worry for any of you concerned I still have plenty up my sleeve.