Chapter 41
Theilliterate – Quinn is not going to have a boyfriend for awhile. She is not ready for one. And Shelby knows that and will do her best to control the situation. Santana has a discussion in this chapter with Nana – you will see how it affects both of them. Thank you for reviewing.
SuzQQ – I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for taking the time to review. I hope it gets better for you. It is very tough to lose someone close to you.
KatyVixen – The father of Quinn's baby is explained further in this chapter and as you can see from this chapter it can only be one person. If you have anymore questions regarding it – please let me know. Thanks for the review.
Cookie07 – let me try and address Santana seeing Elyse. Elyse has known this family for a long time because she has been treating Rachel but she also knows Shelby as a friend and a colleague as well. She knows Santana very well and she is a licensed therapist who deals with these kids all the time. She will not favor Rachel over Santana. She does know how to help kids that have triggers and start to act out because of them. Elyse called Santana out because that is what Santana needs – had it been Quinn or Rachel she would not have called them out because they have different reactions. But I do understand your concern. But trust me Elyse will help all of the girls. Thank you for your review.
Marissa – Thank you for the review. More bonding ahead.
Piper – Thank you for reviewing. Puck isn't headed to NY just yet but probably soon. He will not be running into Mr. Schuester though.
Drea LuRuiz – You may have to pour yourself another glass. Things are kind of rough this chapter. I hope you like this next part. Thanks for reviewing.
Kimberlli – Ok stop rocking – here is the next chapter and yes this one is filled with drama too. How long Schuester will stay out on bail is anyone's guess. Thanks for the review.
OTHangels – The case is building against Schuester so we will see if anyone else comes forward. It would certainly help with the case. Thanks for the review.
lovecanbesostrange - I was angry too. However, the more that I thought about it the more that it made sense. He would be let go if he had a good lawyer. Don't worry. Be patient. Everything with the Pierces and Quinn should be cleared up here. Bit of an emotional explosion. One of my favorite Rachel/Quinn scenes is in this chapter. More of Puck and his letter will be addressed later. Don't worry. Things are coming with that. Not yet thought. They're brewing. Shelby thinking back was important to me. There was normalcy at one point, as normal as this family could have. I hope you like this chapter. Your reviews make me always so happy. Thank you for putting so much thought into them. I appreciate it.
Anna – Unfortunately there are many lawyers that would be willing to get scum like this out of jail. But hopefully we will get the evidence that is needed to get this jerk in jail for a long long time. Santana and Quinn are very close now and will always remain that way and I am very happy about that as well. Thanks for the review.
alopez208 – Thank you for the review. It is truly appreciated.
marinka4 – Sometimes I am for the death penalty because some people are just monsters and there is no changing that but unfortunately that wont be debated in this story. Lots of people will be lined up to take a shot at killing him. I was thinking of making him into a Pinata at Santana's next birthday party. Thanks for the review.
Fangirl44 – Quinn is opening up but she really has no choice. Time is not on her side. She has to prepare herself to return to school and to testify against her father. All of that will be very tough for her. Thanks for reviewing.
Renata – Hi Ms. Brazil! Thanks for your continued support with all the reviews you give me I am truly honored. When the older kids get the tutor so will Rachel you will see. The cousins wont visit for awhile Griffin is in school so he cant take the time off. But they will be in and out of the story.
NinjaGleek21 – Thank you so much for the cookies. So you have Russell and Mr. Schue? People are looking for them – please return them to the Lima police department.
broadwaybound2016 – yes he did make bail but how long does he stay out – we shall see. Thanks for the review.
Ryoko05 – Alls that I can say then is Wow – Thanks for the review.
look4me Santana and Quinn are sisters all the way now and that is not going to change. It should be clearer who the father of the baby was – but if you are still unsure – PM me and I will let you know. Right now they need to share the same sleeping space. It is a comfort to them. But they will move from that eventually. Thanks for the review.
Unicorn20089 – I promise you they do get better eventually. Thanks
TommyH – Thank you
Woah123 – Yes everyone thought or thinks that the baby is Finn's but unfortunately they all will know the truth eventually and it is awful for Quinn. And it is terrible that our justice system does this sometimes. We hope to straighten it out in this story real soon. Thanks for the review.
GleeFanatic1988 – There is some good Brittana moments in this chapter and there are some not so good ones. I hope you enjoy – thanks for reviewing.
A C one - The trials are going to be extremely difficult for the girls and hopefully they lean on each more during each of them. Thanks for the review. They are always appreciated.
GleekGirl101 – It is awful for the girls to relive this stuff but they will bond more and get stronger so that they do not end up stuck. Thanks for the review.
Filmaddict – the bail wasn't that high and I am pretty sure he got help. It just hasn't come out yet. Both Shue's lawyer and Russell's lawyers are scum and will do anything and I mean anything to get their clients off. So these trials are going to be extremely tough on the girls. I am honored that you are so passionate about my story. I hope this chapter is to your liking. Thank you so much for reviewing.
AN: This story has very adult themes. Please read at your own risk. There's a dream sequence that may be very difficult to read as well as triggery. Please be warned.
Also, in response to all of the discussions about fics being taken down because of content, I am backing up this entire fic just in case. Please follow me on Tumblr if the by chance the story is taken down, I'll keep you updated there as to where the story will be posted. I am not giving up on this story. at all! I hope you follow it, wherever it decides to go . However, I hope beyond hope that it stays on this forum.
Part 41
Quinn looked at them. "I know that this is bad," she whispered staring at the floor.
Shelby kissed the top of her head. "The situation is hard, yes, but you're not in trouble. We just need all of the facts, Quinn. We need to know." Shelby looked at Quinn. She could barely see the girl's face. She was leaning back into Shelby.
"Quinn," she whispered with her cheek against her forehead. "I need you to tell me what happened."
She shook her head against the woman.
"Okay," Shelby whispered. "You don't have to now, but someday I hope you will."
"What more do you want me to say?" she whispered. She reached and took her hand and unconsciously held it. She shrugged one shoulder and gave a tiny shake of her head. "I've already said it."
Shelby opened her mouth to say something but Quinn went on.
"I just," she shook her head. "I found out and I …." She paused and remembered Finn's words in her head. "I couldn't... I just couldn't keep it." She bit her lip and continued to hold Shelby's hand. "I just...I was scared and..." She bit her lip. "I knew that it might not be Finn's." She tried to bury herself deeper into herself. "I couldn't live that. I couldn't." She looked at the ground. "I knew that I wouldn't be able to love this child...I thought I could at first...but I just couldn't. I wasn't going to bring someone into the world out of hate." She took a deep breath. "I know that there are people out there that do that... That can love like that..." She looked at Shelby. "I couldn't. I can't." She let out a sob. "Finn didn't... well... he didn't um... finish... in... " She gazed up at the adults and then looked at the ground. "It couldn't be Finn's... It was his..." She pushed her tongue in her cheek to control the tears. She turned to Shelby and then turned away. She avoided Shelby's eyes. The shame and disappointment in herself felt too bright under Shelby's loving gaze.
"Quinn, what you're telling me right now takes more courage, trust and care than anyone that should ever have to give," Shelby whispered wrapping her arms around the girl. "I'm sorry you had to be alone and I know that being alone is safer. I know that not telling anyone about these secrets and these incredible hurtful things is a prison, but a sollace. Thank you for talking to me."
Quinn shook her head. "I don't deserve this," she whispered. "Rachel needs you. San needs you and -"
"You need me, Quinn. I need you," Shelby finished. "No matter what happens you are my kid. To me you're my daughter."
Quinn bit her lip. "The things I've done... The things we did," she whispered. "I'm ….. You can't want me. I don't want me."
"I do," Shelby whispered, holding her tightly. "So much."
She wiped her tears. "I'm going to have to talk about this," she looked at the two adults. "Won't I?" They gave small nods. "There's no going back," she whispered. She looked at the floor. People knew things had happened. CPS was involved, the police; there were hospital reports. She knew that the ADA wanted to talk to her. She looked up. "I need to know what's going to happen now... I need to know how this will play out."
Tom nodded. "I am going to call the clinic to get your records. I'll submit a report." He looked at Shelby. "I'm going to talk with the lawyers at the hospital."
"Why?"
"Things are very..." He looked at Shelby; he continued. "The lines are blurred here because I'm your doctor for this case, but my daughters were the ones that took you to a clinic without your parents' consent.-"
"I don't want Brittany and Melanie to get in trouble. That was never my intention! I'm so sorry," she said hurriedly.
Tom sat next to her. "And I know that, Quinn. They won't be in trouble because your parents were clearly incapable of handling things. And honestly, this isn't the first time that girls your age have had other people take them to clinics." He sighed. "We just need all of the facts."
Shelby nodded. "I'm going to contact the ADA. He's been wanting to speak with you. He'll probably have you give another statement to the Captain's team. And verify records-"
"What if it was Finn's?" Quinn asked suddenly. She felt tears fill her eyes. "I mean... If she was Finn's..."
"You said the clinic did tests?" Tom asked. Quinn gave a quiet nod and quickly wiped her tears. "We'll be able to know the blood type of … your child... We should have enough to identify who the father was."
She gave a quick nod. "Okay. Um... I …. okay..." Quinn began to cry. "I need to go. I need some time," she whispered. She stood up with a wince. "Please," she muttered. "I just need some time alone."
Shelby searched her eyes, but gave in. "I'm going to talk with Dr. Pierce and then I'll come find you." she took a deep breath. "Do not leave this house."
Quinn gave a tiny nod and headed out the door.
"I mean it," she yelled after the blonde.
Valerie made eye contact with Shelby through the open door and her and Melanie walked into the study. Melanie reached out to Quinn but the blonde pulled away.
"Back off, Mel," she hissed as she walked past.
"Let her be," Shelby said. "Give her a moment."
She turned back to Tom. "Tell me we can prove that this baby was …" She bit her lip with the shake of her head. "Russell's."
Tom nodded. "The clinic would have done tests because of her age. The blood tests should show abnormalities if it's his. Also, other …. tissue would have been tested." He shook his head. "That clinic keeps busy. This file is there. We just have to find it." He shook his head again.
"What is it?"
"My good friend, a colleague works there," Tom said folding his arms. "She's been asking more frequently how the girls are." He shook his head. "Now I know why."
…...
The family walked out of the study. Santana's steps stomped behind Brittany so loudly that the blonde felt as if she was being chased by an angry elephant, disguised in petite brunette form. She stopped in the living room, ready to face her. However, instead Santana stormed past her and into the kitchen. Brittany sighed and nodded at her sister and mother that she was fine and followed her best friend.
"Santana," she called.
She leaned over the sink and stared out the back window. Brittany couldn't see her face.
"Santana, I'm sorry," she tried again.
"Don't," she hissed with her head down. "Just …. I'm too mad... Not now."
"Please," she said, moving close to her. "Come on," she whispered.
The blonde reached for her.
"Don't, Brittany," she hissed. She turned and looked at her with a shake of her head. "Explain this to me," she hissed.
"I couldn't and -" she began.
She shook her head and put her hand up to stop her. "No," she said. She looked at her as tears started to pool. "You knew. You knew this whole time." The tears began to fall without avail. "You have known not just a little while but over a year. And you..." She bit her lip. "You let me... be horrible to her. Last year I was horrible to her. You... You... " She shook her head. "You should have told me."
"It wasn't my job, San. I couldn't tell anyone. She made me promise."
"I'm your best friend!" she yelled. "She's my sister!" She shook her head with despair. "You're my girlfriend!"
The anxiety of the room reached a max. Brittany took a deep breath and locked eyes with Santana. "I wasn't always all of those things. And neither was she..."
Santana turned away from her. "You don't think I know that?" she whispered. She looked at her. "I'm mad at you, Brittany," she whispered.
Brittany looked at her and Santana knew that she understood, but it wasn't enough. Knowing and feeling wasn't enough. She reached over and took the girls' hands. Santana watched as Brittany's fingers traced the back of her hand.
"I wanted to tell you but I couldn't," she whispered. "I promised her."
"I know," she replied as she continued to watch the blonde's fingers against her hand. "I'm mad," she muttered. "I just..." She met her eyes. "I ….. " She shook her head. "She's my sister. I care about her and she's hurting and … Rachel is..." She bit her lip. "I can't be …." she squeezed her eyes shut. "I can't be on the outside, Brit. I need you …. and I need them and I can't... I can't be on the outside." She opened her eyes and looked at her. "I get it. I know things too that..." she bit her lip again. "That I know and you don't."
She looked at the floor. "I know, San. But you're you and I'm me."
Santana looked at her and in that moment it clicked. Brittany was the girl that was her best friend for years and didn't go digging her part. Not once. And Santana was the girl who always needed to know.
She shook her head. "I can't," she whispered. "I can't understand and I can't think," she continued. "It... It just hurts." She shook her head. "I need to be alone." She started to walk away from her. Brittany reached out.
"Hey," she muttered, stopping the girl. She expected Santana to hesitate but she didn't.
"I just need to be alone," she said again. She leaned into Brittany and let the blonde hug her. "I can't... I just need to be alone."
"Okay," she whispered back as she rubbed her back. "Okay."
She didn't move from Brittany's arms. She couldn't; it fit too much.
….
Helen cleaned Rachel up quickly. They could still hear the yelling downstairs. Now Rachel was leaning back in Michael's arms. He stroked her still damp hair. He could feel her trembling.
"Want me to tell you a story?"
Rachel shook her head and bowed it. She had been crying quietly since they left the store.
"I was really proud of you today, Rach," he said. "I know that it was a tough thing to do."
She shook her head. "I don't want to talk about it," she whispered.
"Why not?"
She looked back at him. He could hear the tightness in her chest when they were in the car and insisted that Rachel use the nebulizer as soon as they got home. She was now hooked up under the mask. He remembered that the last time he had to do the nebulizer with her she had informed him that the mask was for babies. Any traces of that fight was gone. She looked at him from behind the mask with aged and worn eyes.
"Because," she whispered. "I don't want to be reminded."
"Of what?" he pushed.
"That the only thing I can do now is go to the grocery store for five minutes and... " she sunk further into her grandfather, "Have an accident." He saw her tears falling from her eyes. "You used to be proud of me for bigger things than that."
He hugged her. "No, I still am." He kissed her on the top of her head. "You're still the same Rachel to me."
"She's not here anymore," she muttered.
He sighed and said, "You know that you're different but you're still Rachel."
She wiped her eyes with the back of her fingers. "I don't feel like her..." She looked at up at him. "What was I like before my daddy died? Was I like this when Mumma came back?"
He understood in that moment how fragmented her past was. He always wondered how Rachel filled it, but now he realized that no one had filled it for her. The ones in the family that remembered what had happened were trying so hard to 'move on' and forget as they slowly leaked Rachel information when she asked for it. However, They made a mistake. Rachel was watching the whole time and because she couldn't remember clearly, she was trying to fill those games in alone. Nevertheless, at the end of the day there were gaps. Michael kicked himself internally. People want to know their roots, their story. No one had really recognized how desperately Rachel wanted to know hers.
"Rach," he said with a deep breath. "I promise that we'll tell you what happened." She looked at him in surprise. "We didn't mean to keep it from you-"
"It's too hard. I can … I can see that you're sad," she whispered. She looked at him with big eyes behind her mask. "I know more now that I did before... but …. I …. Maybe I can... read it...You know the file" she shrugged. "I know you all want to forget."
He looked at her tearfully and continued to rock in the glider in her room.
"It's not that we wanted to forget, bug," he whispered. "It was that... For a long time, we were scared about what we would trigger for you. We thought for a long time that things could trigger you. Your brain is a very smart organ and protected you from the beginning from remembering." He licked his lips. "Remember when you first started with Elyse?" Rachel shook her head. "You didn't talk to Elyse for months. You just colored. And the first time you talked to her she asked you about New York and we still aren't sure what she said that triggered you but you were inconsolable.."
"I freaked out?" she asked.
"You ran for the door and started banging on it. You were trying to get out. But you only did it for about ten seconds before you collapsed to the floor. You laid on your stomach with your arms around your face and you started sobbing. Your mom came in and I came in. It was before your grandmother and I moved permanently to Florida. You wouldn't let us touch you. You just kept screaming and screaming. Your mom had to do something that was really hard." Rachel looked at him questioningly, still under the mask. "We had to bring Santana over. She just entered the room and you clung to her. She was ten years old. Almost eleven. A few months younger than you are now."
Rachel bowed her head. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be," he replied. "What you feel is always okay. It was as if your emotions were going very fast and your brain was trying desperately to keep up. AFter that we would pull up to Elyse's building and you would start to bawl. We had to do sessions in the car before we slowly shifted to sessions at the house." He sighed. "We didn't want to tell you, Rach, because we didn't know how. Every time we gave you a little piece of information you wouldn't talk for awhile. Elyse worked really hard with you to figure out ways that you can talk about it but it took a long time. So once you explained everything you remembered to Elyse we tried to figure out a way to slowly start telling you what happened. But then - "
"I remember," she whispered. "She tried to talk to me about living in the shelter." She gulped and looked at her grandfather. "But... I got scared."
He nodded gently. "You did."
She bit her lip. "I ran out and locked myself in the car."
He nodded. "I know you want to know and that you remember more than you're able to articulate." Rachel bit her lip. "But we'll find a way that you know your whole story, alright, bug?"
She nodded and looked down at his hands. "There were holes on the ceiling."
He nodded. "It was a music studio. Those kind of walls help with the acoustics. He was keeping you three in your father's old studio. That's how... no one heard you." He watched her carefully. "It was sound proof."
"The holes were everywhere. Like cheese... like..." She licked her lips.
"Like what?"
She frowned and looked at her own hands. "Like the choir room." She felt her eyes getting heavy. She pulled at the mask with a frown. "I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm tired."
"Me too," he muttered. He had been up late talking with old colleagues about what he could have been doing to help with the case and then researching for a loop hole that he was missing. He looked at the nebulizer. "We're not done yet. Few more minutes." Rachel nodded and leaned back in his arms with a deep frown. "What's the matter?"
"The holes in the ceiling were the same" she said quietly under the mask.
"They were?"
Rachel nodded. Her eyes were getting heavy despite the fact that her head was so full.
She felt her body being lifted and carried outside. Was that the locker room? It smelled like the dance studio. She could feel the coldness of the fall hit her face. She couldn't keep her eyes focused. She couldn't see. Everything was blurry. Was she asleep? She tried to push herself up but she couldn't. She couldn't move. She felt herself being laid down. She saw a blurry figure in front of her. His voice was in a fog. Darkness surround her. She felt a blanket draped over her body. She tried to push it off, but she couldn't. she didn't have any strength.
She squeezed her eyes shut and reopened them. She was staring at the ceiling. She was in the choir room. She looked to her left and there was a bed that didn't have anything by a loose sheet on it. She frowned. There was never a bed in the choir room. There was a bed of two blankets on the floor next to it and a pacifier on the bed. It felt familiar, but it felt eerily still.
She was jolted from her observations by a voice.
"Hi, Rachel," she looked up and Mr. Schuester was staring back at her with a smile.
She let out a sob and backed away from him. "Come here, good girl," he said huskily. She backed into the corner. She shook her head. She looked at the bed. When she looked at it, she felt different. She felt fear and helplessness. It was as i it was from a distant memory
"My good girl."
She let out a sob as she felt both the teacher's hands grip her hips underneath her skirt. She shook her head frantically as he pulled her underwear down. With another swift movement she felt her shirt being opened and her undershirt being ripped down the front. She sobbed and tried to push him off but he pulled her closely to his body. She pounded her fists against him.
He threw her onto the bed and ripped her clothes off the rest of the way so there was no way to protect herself from him He didn't do this, her voice screamed in her head. This isn't real! He straddled her hips and pinned her underneath him.
"Shhhh," he said with a gentle voice. "You'll learn not to cry. You'll learn to like this." He sat up. "I'll make you feel like a woman. I'll make you feel good." He released himself from his pants and ran his hand along the rigid length.
Beneath him Rachel screamed at the sight, trying to push him off of her. "No. No. No. No!" she sobbed.
He moved himself down her and forced her legs open with his free hand. She tried to scream and kick but her legs were being held. . "No! NO! NO!"
He gave her a smile and with a thrust, he entered her. She screamed in pain and her vision became blurred.
She squeezed her eyes shut and reopened then and Papa Hiram was thrusting above her. She couldn't stop sobbing, but she felt his hand on her mouth, muffling her. The pain radiated throughout her body.
"SHUT UP!" he screamed in her face. Rachel looked at the ceiling there the holes were. Her face was drenched with tears. She felt like she did when she got out of the pool. She heard a banging. Someone was hitting a door. She looked to the side at the closet door . Had that been there the whole time? She squinted her eyes to try to focus but heard herself sob out loud. It was shut but she could hear someone banging …. and screamed... she concentrated. Santana? She was screaming and sobbing her name. She tried to sit up and reach for her but she barely could move.
He continued to thrust deeper into her. It felt like a knife but for the first time she really understood that it wasn't. It seemed as if reality became clearer than ever before in this place. She sobbed again. What was happening?
"YOU LITTLE SHIT!" he scolded. He flipped her so she was face down on the mattress. She sobbed. She expected the belt. Her bare flesh waited for it. The wait was familiar. It wasn't that she expected it . It was all he did when she was on her stomach. She frowned and let out a sob. He always had her on her back for the other stuff.
She suddenly felt his fingers on her bottom. She squeezed her eyes together. What was going on? She suddenly felt something big at her bottom. She began to shake and cry as she clawed at the sheetless mattress. She squeezed a beaded bracelet tightly in her hand. Was this real? He pushed his weight on top of of her. "LITTLE BITCH!"
Her entire body lurched forward as he sheathed his entire shaft into her body. She released a blood curling scream.
Rachel jumped awake. She in her grandfather's arms. His arms now loosely embraced her. The panic and fear in her heart pounded too loudly in her ears to hear her grandfather's snores. She was shaking. She was breathing rapidly. She couldn't be in here. She needed to get to someplace safe. She slipped out of her grandfather's arms and grabbed George. She walked as briskly as her aching body could take her.
….
Santana leaned against Brittany on the backstep that led into the backyard. She had calmed but she hadn't let go of the girl. She heard a knock behind them. She looked up behind them. Her grandmother stood there with a small smile.
"Hi, girls," she said with a smile. She handed them a blanket. "It's kinda cold out here. It's October, you know."
Santana pulled slightly away from her... from Brittany.
"Hi," she said. "You remember Brittany?" she said darting her eyes.
Helen nodded. "Yes, dear." She nodded at the blonde. "Our paths have crossed many times this week."
Brittany smiled. "Yes, ma'am."
Helen sat next to the girls and Santana couldn't help but feel her heartbeat pick up fast . Her grandmother was a woman she looked up to. Someone she respected with deep passion and unfaltering determination. However, she knew one thing. While her aunt saw things in gray with blurred lines and her mother saw things by situation, her grandmother was neither of these things. She knew what she knew and didn't budge. As much as she always respected and loved her grandmother, there was one conversation that always whispered in her memory when she thought of the woman.
She lay quietly in her mother's new apartment. Her parents explained their divorce to her and Noah. Noah had explained to her that it sucked but at least they would get more stuff. She frowned at him. She knew he was upset that Daddy wouldn't be in the same house. Mommy wouldn't be down in the music room anymore. And now they were at a new apartment on the east side with their mother. She turned to the wall. She missed the wallpaper on her wall at her house... she frowned. Her Daddy's house, she corrected. She used to use her finger to connect the patterns and make pictures. There was nothing to connect on her new bedroom wall. She sighed and rolled over. She needed something to distract her.
She threw the blankets back and walked out the door and down the hallway into the nursery. Rachel was sleeping on her side in her baby bed. Her mother kept telling her and Noah to stop calling it a baby bed. Santana rolled her eyes. It was a baby bed though. It was a regular bed like hers and Noahs but it was smaller... for babies. She frowned. It was a baby bed, plus it was pink with princess painted on the frame and parts that protected Rachel from falling out. Rachel was curled into a tiny ball in her footie pajamas with her fits resting under her chin, sucking her pacifer quietly.
She looked around and Rachel's stuffed animal was on the floor. Rachel was still small enough that her mother told her that Rachel shouldn't have a lot of things in her bed. However, Rachel had been sleeping with a stuffed penguin that her parents bought her at the zoo a few weeks ago. She picked it up and put it in the baby penguin and put it in her bed as she gave Rachel a soft kiss.
Santana sat against the wall next to the bed. She was sad that she couldn't go down the hall and talk to her Daddy. Whenever she couldn't sleep, she always went and talked to her daddy until her mom realized she was awake and put her to bed. But her daddy wasn't in her mom's new apartment. She sighed and heard voices down the hallway.
She stood and went to the door. Rachel's room was nearest to main part of the apartment. Santana opened the door and peaked out. Her grandmother and mother were unpacking boxes in the kitchen. She was happy that Nana was here. It was making her mother not staring so sadly at the floor anymore. She could hear her grandmother's voice and she knew she was angry, like that one time and she and Noah put Griffin's underwear in the freezer when they were on vacation.
"I don't... I just can't, SHelby," Nana hissed.
"Mother, don't start. It's late," her mother said. "I appreciate your help, but you've been here all day. You can go back to the hotel."
"Stop trying to get rid of me," Nana said in a voice that Santana knew was serious. "Plus your father fell asleep reading Noah a cowboy book." Santana head a plate loudly hit the counter.
"Can you please be careful, Mom?"
"I just... Ten years of marriage, Shelby and he just leaves you."
"Almost ten years mother," she hear her mother say with a sigh. "We …. didn't get to our tenth anniversary."
"Nine and a half, whatever," Nana said. "You have three children and he walked out on you for that retro sleeze!"
"Mom!"
Santana jumped at her mother's anger.
"Leroy and I have had problems since before Rachel," Shelby said quietly. Santana leaned her ear more against the door. "If it wasn't for Rachel. our marriage would have been over years ago. She wasn't planned." Santana frowned and looked over at Rachel. Like an accident? How was she an accident? Accidents are spilling your milk or stepping on your brother's heels. How were babies accidents? Santana frowned; you couldn't tip things and babies appear. Taht's not what her mom meant. People weren't accidents.
Helen laughed. Why was Nana laughing? "Do you think your father and I expected and planned you or Joey? He and I have problems. Work through your problems. You don't buy a brand new apartment and sign the divorce papers right away!"
"Well, I did, Mom!" Santana couldn't see her mother's face but she could hear that she was tired and mad. "I don't know what to say. Okay? It's over. It's not happening. I will always love him. He's my best friend. But he's not in love with me. I'm not going to stay in that relationship when I know he's happier with someone else and -"
"A man, Shelby. He's gay. How does this not hurt you? A MAN!"
"I don't know, Mom, maybe because I grew up with loving parents who taught me that love transcends gender. Is that what you're angry about? God! Get over it!"
"No, Shelby, marriage is sacred. Love is precious. That's not love that he has with that man! IT's lust and it's trash! People are made to love and that is not love! It's gay lust!"
"MOM!" her mother hissed.
"No, Shelby," Nana said. "I respected Leroy. I loved him because he was the father of my grandchildren but he screwed up and quite frankly so did you. This marriage meant something and you and he ruined it! They went to Vegas and got married. THat's not a marriage! It's not legal in Ohio! New York! It is 2003! This kinda of stuff is hype. Massachusetts is passing laws. the whole country is exploding on what marriage is."
"Mom, we're not talking about this anymore."
"We are, Shelby," Nana said quietly. "I know Leroy. He's proving a point and using his passion to get there. I have to say this if one of the kids came out I wouldn't know what to say. He's ruined that for me. Love isn't simple. Shelby, when it's right it's right. Hiram screwed it up. Leroy screwed it up. And most importantly, you let it happen."
Santana looked at her grandmother and then looked away. The older woman had sat down next to the girls. However, Santana didn't want to be there with her with Brittany; it felt strange. She remembered the conversation clearer than anything. It stuck with her, like almost everything else. She respected her grandmother but accepted long ago that her grandmother wouldn't accept or love her. She was comfortable with that because neither did she. It wasn't sad or pathetic. Santana paused and thought for a moment. Maybe it was, but it was just a fact.
"I should go," Brittany whispered.
Santana looked at her quietly. "I'm gonna... walk her back ..." she said quietly avoiding her grandmother's eyes. She realized that she felt a strange shame in that moment. She felt shame in her own house. She looked around. Her own backyard, same difference. She turned back. "It's not just lust, Nana."
"What?" Helen asked looking up at the girls and hesitated. She stood up from the step.
Santana stared at the ground. This wasn't how she wanted her day to go. However, it never was.
"It's not just gay lust. I care about her," she instinctively reached for girls. "I don't... I don't like boys."
She was holding onto Brittany's hand but she didn't dare to look into her grandmother's eyes or Brittany's.
"And I care about her too," Brittany interjected. Santana looked the blonde and smiled. "So much."
Helen took a deep breath. Her eyes volleyed between the two girls. Santana finally looked at the woman and lifted her chin a little higher, trying her best to be brave.
"Okay," she said with a nod.
Santana frowned. "Okay?"
"Yes, I've... suspected for years, Santana but-"
"What?" she asked as thoughts raced through her head. Her grandmother expected this? She thought all of those things and she expected this?
Helen looked at the girls. "You're young."
Santana frowned more deeply. She felt defensive; angry.
"You're young and what you have is special," she said gently. "But don't let it define your life."
Helen started into the house. "Wait," Santana said squeezing her eyes shut to gather her courage. "I maybe be young... and we do have something special, but this does define my life. This isn't just a fling or an experiment, Nana. This..." She took Brittany's hand. "We fit. And... I …." she looked at Brittany and looked away. "You're right. I'm young and I don't know if I'll be with Brittany for the rest of my life..." She licked her lips and looked at her grandmother in her dark eyes. "But I never felt the way I felt about boys as I do about girls. I've only loved Brittany ever, but I don't think... No, I know... that this just … fits... it's right. And all of the boys I ever dated..." Santana searched for the words. "It felt like I was wearing the most perfect shoe but on my hand. It just didn't fit. And would never fit." She took a deep breath and looked at Brittany. "I don't know who I am or who I'm going to be, but I know that Brittany fits."
Helen nodded. "Okay." She sighed. "I still love. You're still you to me, but this..." She sighed and looked at Brittany. "I respect you. Both of you. I love you so much, Santana. I simply." She frowned. "I can't understand...but... I love you. I want you to be happy and if this makes you happy, then I'll try to understand." She looked at the girls. "Okay, I'll go inside. Brittany, your family I think is talking to Shelby still. You guys hang out out here."
Santana looked at her. There it was. She expected that. She wasn't searching for her grandmother's acceptance. Maybe she was, but she knew it wouldn't be miraculous. There wouldn't be a easy transition it just, was. Life wasn't miraculous where one day someone wakes up and accepts you. people are flawed. Santana knew that more than anything. People were just people. Changes, acceptance, and hugs didn't just happen. Her grandmother trying. It hurt, but it was what it was. She wasn't leaving her. She didn't disown her or hate her. She was struggling and it ached like a deep dull pain. But she had given her long speech. What more was there left to say?
"Would you like to sit out here with us?" Brittany asked suddenly.
Helen hesitated. Santana could see it in her face. She didn't want to be around her grandmother. She wanted to be far away from her and close to Brittany, love and struggling acceptance aside. She sighed and looked at the older woman. She realized that she too had to step up.
"Come on," she said with a slight role of her eyes. "Just sit with us."
Helen nodded. She took a deep breath and looked at the girls. She nodded. "Alright." She took a seat. "Okay."
…..
Quinn spotted Santana and Brittany on the back porch but continued. She couldn't be in the house. She had no control over anything. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. Everyone would know. Everyone. It's not just her dirty laundry out on the front lawn for people to see. It was as if they were sifting through her garbage and exposing details of her life that were only hers. Before they were only secrets in the night and whispers in the dark. It was someone else's life; at least that's what she pretended. She knew in her heart that it was hers. She hated it. She couldn't cope with it, but it was hers. Sure, there were afterschool specials where somehow within a two hour period, including commercial breaks, people learned how to move on. She didn't know how. Yes, she had lived sixteen years in that house. Yes, it had been hell for a lot of the time, but …. it was still her home. She was clothed, fed. Her father did take her for her driver's test. He did teach her how to ride a bike. Granted, she was reprimanded when she made a mistake. She sat down with her parents at least twice a week for a meal. It wasn't as clear as right and wrong. Yes, it was wrong, but it took her years to accept that. She still struggled with it. She deserved her punishments; they were always brought about by her bad behavior. She remembered the shock that she felt when she was at Brittany's and they spilled their milk and they weren't beaten. She was waiting for it. Mary Pierce had to talk with her that not all parents hit their children.
Now everyone would know. Everyone would see how weak she was. She didn't care that she was "strong" or "brave." Those were empty words said by sympathetic people on the outside. She survived. She frowned as she slipped into the garage.
She survived. She looked down at her cast. She didn't need this. She felt her heart out of her chest. Everyone would know. She felt the lump in her throat and the pressure in her chest. She was going to explode. She couldn't think. It was hitting her all at once. Was she feeling this? Is this what it felt like?
She breathed deeply. She spotted it. There it was.
She spotted the small bow saw hanging on the wall. It's blade as barely a centimeter wide. But that was all she needed, right?
She looked down at her cast and grabbed the saw without hesitation.
It was off in no time. She felt such a sense of relief when it was off. Her arm ached but her adrenaline was pumping too hard. All she felt was calm. She was so grateful. She breathed heavily. She looked down at her arm. it was cut slightly by the saw but not deep just tiny scrapes. The calm was slowly fading. She looked around. She had backed herself in the corner behind the couch they had moved from the living room.
She blinked. She looked down at the cast. She had stepped on it, crushed it. She felt her heart rate calm. She looked down at the mess. She squeezed her eyes shut and captured her top lip with her teeth.
"Shit."
…..
Shelby looked at the Pierces. So what now? She took a deep breath.
"You've told me everything, Melanie?" Shelby asked.
"Yes," the girl replied. "Everything I know."
"We can call Brittany in here if-," Valerie began.
Shelby shook her head. "No, it's okay. I think I get it. I want to talk to all three of the girls at some time about what happened in school but... I gave Quinn some pain medicine earlier and she's going to be tired soon. Rachel is sleeping upstairs."
"We should go then," Tom said. "We'll let you know if anything else comes up."
Shelby nodded and walked the Pierces to the door. Brittany was talking quietly to Santana. She watched as the girls said goodbye with such gentle care. She saw a glimpse of her mother walking around downstairs to where Noah was working.
"See ya," Santana whispered kissing Brittany gently on the cheek despite the foyer full of their family.
"Call you later," she replied looking at Shelby. "If she lets you."
Shelby looked at the girls. Santana looked like she was thinking too hard. She was distracted. Her emotions were boiling to the top and she was trying her best to pack them back in.
"Thank you, Shelby," Tom said as he led the family out the door.
"Thank you."
Shelby watched Santana and Brittany exchange small smiles before she closed the door.
Santana walked quietly back into the living room. She could feel her mother's arms on her.
"Where's Quinn? Is she okay?" Santana asked tiredly.
Shelby nodded. She was unsure about how much to say. She didn't know what Santana knew and she wanted so desperately to protect her. "She's around here somewhere."
"Probably in her room," Santana shrugged. "I heard her walking around earlier."
Shelby looked at her eldest daughter. "Are you okay?"
"I didn't know, Mom," she muttered. "I didn't know... that Brittany knew."
Shelby looked at her quickly. "What? Did you know?"
"I guessed," she clarified quietly. "She didn't tell me. At school, when...when that limp dick announced about the baby, it was in her eyes..." She trailed off. "But we didn't talk about it." She shrugged. "She didn't want to. So I didn't push her." She bit her lip. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I just... Quinn trusted me and -"
Shelby put her hand on her daughter's. At that moment she understood. She had been so angry about Joey not telling her about Santana's sexual past. She had been so angry. However, she saw it. It wasn't about keeping a secret as much as preserving trust.
"I know," Shelby whispered. "What's going on?"
Santana scoffed. "Other than the obvious?" She looked at her mother. "I told Nana."
"She might not understand fully, but she'll come around," she said softly, kissing Santana on the temple.
"She's thinks it's gay lust, Mom," she muttered.
"What?" Shelby smiled at the absurdity.
"When we were in New York, she said that to you." Santana looked at her.
"What?" Shelby asked. Then it dawned on her. "You heard that?"
"I'll forget it," she whispered. Santana chewed her lip as she fought back tears. "I... I didn't know about Quinn... I was outside when he was hurting Rachel..." Tears fell. "I can't do this...Brittany is the one thing that... And I don't... I don't know how..." She wiped her tears. "I always knew you know?...I mean sort of... I watched women walk by and I … I just didn't want to be them …. I wanted... to... I don't know... I don't know but I wanted something...And with those boys..." She looked down at her lap. "They didn't mean anything. They never did." She frowned. "I wanted it to..."
"Santana," Shelby whispered.
"It wasn't just what she said that made me not want it to be true." She tried to shape her words. "It's everything." She looked at her tearfully. "In New York, everyone knew what happened and I …. I wanted something to be my business without it being everyone else's. It just wasn't... People talked about us enough."
"What did you think they would talk about?" Shelby asked gently rubbing her back.
"I didn't... I didn't... " She let out a sob. "I didn't want it to be something that he did to me."
"Santana," Shelby whispered.
She looked at her with big, tear-filled eyes. "I don't know, Mom." She looked at her. "Aren't I supposed to feel better? Isn't it supposed to get better?"
At that moment the weight of it all was hitting her. It was exhausting and it hurt. Santana wiped her tears.
"I need them to be okay," she whispered as she laid into her mother's chest.
"They will be. Somehow. We brought Rachel back before and you -"
"Before she was little," Santana whispered. "Before she... " Santana shook her head. "I need something right..."
"And you have so many things, San," Shelby said gently. "He didn't do 'this' to you."
Santana scoffed. "How do you know?"
"When you were four," Shelby said with a smile wrapping her arms around her daughter. "Your best friends were Paige and Bailey. They lived down the street remember?" Santana nodded. "They were older than you. They had more life experience," Shelby said with a slightly mocking tone. "They were eight and nine and they loved treating you like a princess and primping you." She laughed at the memory. "You loved it. You loved the attention. You came home and you told me and Daddy that some day you were going to marry a girl like Paige." She paused and watched her reaction. Santana was just staring at the ground. "I didn't know what kind of woman you were going to be when you were four, but while you pushed boys on the playground. It was a power struggle. But …." Shelby smiled. "There another little girl... Sammi. You were five then and …. You were so nasty to her. You didn't push her. You never did, but you were mean to her. I sat down and and I asked you why." Shelby smiled. "And you said, "'She's too perfect. She's too pretty. She's too wonderful.'" Shelby sighed. "Later...After ….what happened...we moved to Lima and you met Brittany. You came home and you told me, 'She's going to be forever.'" She laughed. "You said it just like that. And I asked why? And you said, 'She's perfect.' And that you were going to have forever with her." She kissed Santana gently. "You, my sweet girl love the people you love. And I love you for that. It's not something that he did to you. He couldn't touch that."
Santana let out a sob. Shelby pulled her close.
"Not ever," Shelby whispered as she rubbed her back. "Not ever."
…..
Her head snapped up the garage door opened. She buried herself even deeper into the corner hoping not to be noticed. She heard faint, light steps and the door of the Range Rover shut. She waited. The garage door would open soon. She waited. And waited. Maybe...someone was getting something out of the car and would go back in the house. She waited for the door to reopen.
Nothing.
She frowned and peaked up.
She couldn't see anyone in the car.
She forced herself to listen.
There it was. she heard it.
Sniffling. She stood slowly and walked toward the car.
She looked in the back into the tinted windows and there she was. She opened the door slowly.
"Rachel," she said softly. Rachel was in the far back of the Range Rover clinching the keys in one hand and George in the other.
The girl wiped her eyes and looked at her. She must have seen the deschelved looked in Quinn's eyes because the eleven year looked down at her arm.
"What did you do?" she asked, tears still streaking her face.
Quinn looked down at her arm. "Just...um..." She gave a casual shrug. "Wanted to... get it off." Rachel frowned. Quinn climbed into the car. "It's fine."
"I'm quite sure that it isn't. You go to the doctor's office to remove casts not...the garage."
Quinn scoffed. She looked down at her arm. only one word was still coming to mind. Oops.
Her regret was interrupted with a nudge. She felt Rachel sit next to her on the middle seat. Quinn turned to her and reached over with her uninjured hand and wiped Rachel tears. "What's wrong?" She could feel Rachel shaking under her hand. "Rach," she said quietly.
The girl sniffled and took Quinn's injured arm in her lap and traced the unopened cuts on her arm. "These look like cat scratches," Rachel whispered. "I always wanted a kitten." She looked up at her and then back into the garage. "What did you use?"
"Rachel, answer my question," Quinn said, cupping her face gently. "What's wrong?" she searched the girl's eyes. Did he try to contract her? Did she see him?"
She bit her lip. "I had a bad dream," she muttered. She shook her head. "I don't... It doesn't matter."
Quinn looked at her. Being kind and gentle didn't come naturally, but with Rachel she knew it was what she needed. Rachel was the person that she secretly was. The one who knew how to ask for comfort without saying a word. Quinn looked at her with her tired eyes, tear stained face, and shaking frame. Wasn't, therefore, Quinn required to give it to her? As if she heard her Rachel lifted Quinn's uninjured arm around her and laid on the seat as she pulled Quinn gently with her.
"I'll lay with you," she whispered. "That always helps me."
Quinn rolled her eyes but let herself spoon Rachel on the seat. The tiny girl looked up at her. "Mom's going to kill you."
The blond drew out a breath and swallowed her pain as repositioned her injured arm. "Don't worry about that. Now tell me why you're hiding in the car?"
"Why are you cutting off your cast in the garage with... power tools?" she retorted.
"It wasn't a power tool," Quinn said. Rachel looked at her, unexpressed "It feels fine. It's all healed."
Rachel looked at her and while holding her gaze she poked the older girl in the arm. Quinn didn't wince, but her eyes echoed her pain.
"Liar," Rachel retorted and laid back down. "Told you so." She gave a quivering breath. "She's going to kill you."
"And people are going to freak when they find out you left the house because -" Quinn immediately cut herself off.
"I didn't leave the house," Rachel corrected. She frowned. "Because what?"
Quinn looked at her cautiously. "Because..." she gave a nervous laugh. "They freak out if you have a hangnail. Going missing during nap time causes freak out."
Rachel gave a tearful smile and moved back into Quinn's uninjured arm. Quinn rested her chin on her shoulder. "What's wrong?"
"I had a bad dream," she whispered.
"You said that already," Quinn said pushing her hair back. "Who did your hair? Looks like crap."
Rachel wiped a falling tear. "Who cut off your cast? It looks like crap," she replied.
"Touche," Quinn replied. She nudged her with a smile. "Come on. What's up?"
"I was talking to Pop-Pop and then I had a bad dream," she said after a few moments.
"Well, it's just a dream okay. You're here with me now. I promise you nothing bad will happen to you," she said with a reassuring smile.
Rachel's smile faded. "You can't promise that."
She started shaking more. Crap, Quinn thought. Good going you made her cry more.
"You're right, I can't," she whispered. "I'm sorry. But it was just a dream."
Rachel bit her lip and looked up at her. "I don't know what's real and what's not." She took a trembling breath. "I don't think it was just a dream." She looked at Quinn. The older girl could see that she was starting to cry again. "I used to... I used to want to know. But now …. I don't … I don't know. I'm getting things all mixed up." She bit her bottom lip for a moment. "This isn't just a bad dream that I want to wake up from you know... Quinn, I just... when I fall asleep I used to be safe...Maybe...I think. When I fall asleep, I just want to be safe again...I don't want to wake up. I'm tired of it. I don't want to fight reality anymore. You know?"
Quinn looked at her. She reached over and wiped her tears. "I do," she said quietly. "Why don't you have a good dream okay?"
"About what?" Rachel sniffled.
"I don't know," she smiled. "Singing kittens?"
Rachel smiled and leaned into Quinn as she laid down. "I feel safe with Mom, San and Noah, but I feel safe with you, too, Quinn." She looked at her. "You made it through right? So... I should be able to."
The older girl looked at her. "I don't know if you should compare, Rach." She gave a nervous laugh. "I cut my cast off in the garage."
"It just means you felt too much at once and you... haven't found an outlet. That's what Elyse says."
"And what's your outlet?"
"I'm hiding in a car, what do you think?" she asked with a tearful smile.
Rachel leaned back into her. "Will you tell me a story? People always tell me stories."
"Like your family?"
"Our family."
"I suck at stories, Rachel," Quinn muttered.
"You must have a story. I … I … I might have seen your notebook," she muttered and trailed off.
"Seen, Rachel?"
"The one that Elyse gave you. All you do is draw in it," she said darting her eyes. "You were supposed to write in it."
"You were supposed to not open it," Quinn said back with annoyance.
Rachel shrugged. "Then don't leave it out."
"I didn't," Quinn retorted.
"Well... you left your bag out... so I..."
"Rachel..."
"Will you just tell me a story?" she asked.
Quinn sighed. "Only because you're crying in the car." She sighed. "Once upon a time …"
"You're going to start out with a cliche?" Rachel asked with a frown.
"You wanted a story didn't you?"
Rachel laughed and let it fade slightly. "You know that this isn't about the story right?"
Quinn looked at her softly. "You know it wasn't about the cast right?" Rachel nodded. "Good." She sighed and wrapped her good arm around her. "So there was this kid..."
…...
Please check my tumblr if by chance this story is taken down. I don't know if it's jeopardy, but just in case, I thought I would let you know that I do have a game plan. :)