Chapter 9: Childhood memories
"Max!" Chloe moaned. Her breathing was heavily and her heart raced. The blonde girl opened her eyes slowly and stared at the ceiling.
'I fantasized about her.'
She took her hand out of her pajama shorts and glanced at her clammy fingers.
'This was the first time I did it to myself. I mean, yeah, I fantasized about celebrities and anime characters before, but every time, when I was getting into mood, her beautiful freckled face popped into my mind. The first time it happened, it literally freaked me out, and after that it was just awkward, but today…today I let it happen and…I don't know…it felt really good! No, scratch that. It was amazing!'
"Chloe! Wakey, wakey! Eggs and bakey!" Joyce's voice chimed through the house.
The blonde girl rolled onto her side and gazed at a framed picture on the nightstand. It showed her and Max right after their hair styling session.
"I miss you." she whispered and brushed with her fingers over the photo. A tear formed in her eye and dripped onto the pillow.
Wiping away the wet remnant with the back of her hand, Chloe slowly lifted herself off the bed with a big sigh. She let her gaze wander around the room.
'Is it kinda creepy that I sleep in her room and kiss her picture good night every day since she left? Let alone that I just fucked myself while I was thinking about her in HER bed. Maybe I'm a perv? Better talk about this with my shrink. Yay, nothing beats a fucking therapy-session on an already shitty day.'
"Chloe, your breakfast gets cold!" Joyce yelled from downstairs.
"Coming, mom!"
'I better get going, before mom finds out that I crashed in Maxi's room.'
Letting out a big groan, Chloe stood up and walked into her own room.
'Damn, I need to tidy up this shithole.' she thought, while trying to avoid the mess of splinters, broken glass and destroyed objects that were scattered across the floor.
'Personal reminder: never thrash your own room! Do it with someone else's stuff to avoid the cleaning.'
She made her way through the trash, picked some clean clothes from her closet and made her way back.
"Ouch! Fucking shit!" she yelled out as she stepped on a piece of glass, stumbled the last few steps out of the door and closed it violently with a loud bang. Not sure, if there was a piece of glass in her foot, Chloe limped into the bathroom and checked the injured spot.
'Just a small cut. No splinter. I'm gonna put a Band-Aid on it after the shower.'
After she'd showered and treated her cut, Chloe headed downstairs into the living room and sat down at the dining table.
"Morning, sweetheart. Now dig in as long as it's hot and tasty." Joyce said and brought her daughter a plate filled with eggs and bacon.
"Thanks mom." Chloe replied plainly and started to eat, her gaze resting on her meal.
Joyce took a seat on the opposite side of the table. "Had a rough morning?" she asked, which is answered with a shrug. "You know, if you'd finally clean up your room, such unpleasant moments could be avoided." And again, she just received a shrug. "Honey, what's wrong? Since Max left, you shut yourself completely in. Your school called and told me that you're showing no interest during classes anymore." As Joyce touched her daughter's arm, Chloe glimpsed at her eventually. "Chloe, I'm worried."
Still, Chloe stayed silent. A tear ran down her cheek and again, her gaze dropped.
"Chloe," Joyce began and brushed over Chloe's cheek. "I don't know what happened between you two, but I know a broken heart when I see one."
These words made the blonde girl to look at her mom again. Her eyes wide opened.
Joyce gave her a warm smile. "Why don't you just call her?"
"And what should I tell her, mom? Should I just apologize for behaving like an asshole? I hurt her, okay? I hurt her so much that she'll never forgive me. I can't even forgive myself. I'm so stupid!" Chloe blurted out and threw her fork on the table. She buried her face in her hands and started to cry.
There weren't much situations when Joyce needed to sooth her daughter, because Chloe has always been a strong and positive character. But this time she needed comfort. She needed a mother. The tall woman embraced her crying daughter into a tight hug and brushed through her hair. "Ssh, it's alright, baby-girl. Let it all out!" And like a dam had broken down, Chloe let out a loud cry into her mother's chest. She cried out every bit of emotion she'd been holding back for the last five weeks.
It took the blonde girl a while to calm down again. "Y'know, Chloe, we all make mistakes. That's a part of our life. Some are small, some are big and some mistakes are so huge that they haunt us. But we have to live with them eventually." She broke the hug softly and looked into her daughters deep-blue, red-cried eyes. "Just call her. Listen to your heart and try to undo your mistake."
"B-but what if she doesn't want to talk with me or tells me that I should go to hell?"
"Then you'll know for sure. And that's way better than living in uncertainty, believe me. But I don't think that she'll do that anyway." Joyce said, stood up and walked over to the counter.
"How can you be so sure?"
"Call it intuition." Chloe's mom replied and started to pack her bag. "I'm off to work now. Don't forget your appointment with Dr. Mortensen today. And I'm getting some groceries for Thanksgiving right after work, so please clean up the kitchen and prepare some dinner for us!"
"Sure thing, mom." Chloe sighed without any motivation. Joyce grabbed her bag and was on her way to the front door as Chloe spoke to her. "Mom? Did you make any mistakes that you'd like to undo?"
The tall woman stopped in her tracks and sighed. "Yes, I did. I called your father to pick me up from the grocery store."
Realizing that she accidently mentioned a very hurtful topic, Chloe stood up from the table, walked to her mom and embraced her from behind. "I don't blame you, mom. I never did. It wasn't your fault." she soothed in a quiet voice.
Joyce held one of her daughter's arms in a tight grip. "Thank you! I love you, Chloe."
"I love you too, mom!"
"How are you feeling today, Chloe?"
"Like shit."
"And why are you feeling like…shit?"
"Just guess, Doc."
"Well, I'd say that the main reason is still the loss of your best friend Max, isn't it?"
Averting the gaze of Dr. Mortensen, who sat in a cozy chair, Chloe gave him a nonchalantly shrug.
"Chloe, this is our fourth session and honestly, we talked about many topics, except one: Max." said Dr. Mortensen with a slight friendly smile. "I could come with some standard-speeches like 'I want to help you' or 'you can trust me', bla, bla, bla. But, I believe that you should only talk about something when you are ready. And even though I asked you this question four times already, I'm going to ask you again: Are you ready to talk about Max?"
Chloe glimpsed at the doctor for a short moment, before she focused on her hands again and the nodded. "Yes, I'm…I think I'm ready to talk about her."
Giddy as a little child, Dr. Mortensen clapped in his hands and smiled widely. "Very good! Let's get started!" He made himself more comfortable and readied his pen and paper. "I suggest that you start from the beginning. When was the first time you met Max?"
The blonde girl inhaled deeply. First feelings of hurt and yearning rushed through her body as she remembered her first encounter with Maxine Caulfield. "It was back during elementary school. I just turned 8 and Maxi was still 6." A sad smile formed on her face, paired with a scoff. "She was so young and already got bullied. I just had to help this little geek."
"Hey, gimme back my camera!" a small, freckled, brunette girl yelled in desperation as she tried to get her camera back from a black-haired, chubby girl.
Chloe watched how the small girl was surrounded by four other girls of the same age, who were making fun of her. She hated bullies and especially Jasmine Graves and her meanies.
"Four against one is a bit unfair, don't you think, Jasmine?" Chloe intervened, her arms crossed.
"Get lost, Price, this is non of your business!" Jasmine replied, giving her an evil glare.
The taller, blonde girl simply stepped between Jasmine and her prey. "And what if I don't go away, huh?"
Taken aback by Chloe's unexpected action, the chubby girl took a few steps back. Her voice was trembling out of nervousness. "Then…then…uhm…then my daddy will suit your daddy!"
Chloe burst out into a loud laughter, startling the other mean girls. "Okay…" she began, after she'd calmed down again. "Firstly, it's called sue, not suit, you dumbass. Secondly, I don't care." She snapped the camera out of Jasmine's hands. "Now take your friends and leave her alone, jazzwipe!"
Jasmine's hands were clenched fists and her face turned beet-red as she stomped with one foot on the ground. "I'm going to tell mommy and daddy that you were mean to me and…and that you called me a…uhm…damp-ass."
Again, Chloe laughed out loud. "Yup, do that. Run to mommy and daddy…damp-ass!"
Jasmine turned around and ran away. The other girls first looked at each other quizzically, but decided to follow her after Chloe gave them an evil glare. The only persons that remained were Chloe and the small, freckled girl, who was gazing at the ground.
"Here you go!" said Chloe with a warm smile, reaching the brunette girl the camera.
"Th-thank you!" she answered shyly and took the old cam.
"My name is Chloe, by the way."
"M-Maxine."
"So, you're into photography, am I right?" asked Chloe, which answered with a slight nod. "Well, then you have the unique chance to take a picture of the infamous Captain Bluebeard, scourge of the seven Seas and conqueror of Arcadia Bay!" the blonde girl heroically announced.
Maxine raised her head finally and glanced at the other girl with furrowed eyebrows. "Captain Bluebeard? Who's that?"
"You've never heard of Captain Bluebeard?" asked the taller girl with an expression of unbelief. And as Maxine shook her head, Chloe snipped with her fingers. "Of course, how rude of me. I forgot to make a proper introduction." She bowed and lifted her imaginary hat. "Chloe Elizabeth Price a. k. a. Captain Bluebeard at your service!"
Maxine giggled. "You don't have a blue beard."
"Well, not yet. I mean, I'm just 8…and a girl. Maybe I should glue a blue wig into my face?"
"You're funny!" said the smaller girl and snickered even stronger.
"Yeah, I've been told. Got it from my dad." the blonde girl told her with a shrug and then grinned. "Y'know, Maxine, scourging the Seas and conquering Arcadia Bay all by myself is pretty hard. That's why I'm looking for a first mate. Interested?"
Maxine looked at Chloe with wide sparkling blue doe-eyes. "A-are you saying th-that you wanna be my f-friend?"
"Well, yeah! That's part of the job. So, yay or nay?"
"YAY!" yelled Maxine and embraced Chloe into a hug.
At first, Chloe just stood there, completely taken by surprise, not moving a limb. "Ooookay. Uhm…I'm glad that I make you happy…kinda."
"S-sorry." said Maxine, gazing at the ground again after she broke the hug.
"No biggie, first mate Maxine. Hmm, that doesn't sound right, yet. We need to shorten your name. How about just Max?"
"S-sounds okay."
"Alright! From this day on, your hereby known as first mate Max! And your first duty will be to tell me if you like videogames."
But Max just shrugged. "I-I don't know. I mean, I never played a videogame before."
"What?! You gotta be kidding me?"
"No, m-my mom never allowed me to play."
"Well, Maxi, I think it's time for you to be introduced to world of adventures, videogames, junk-food and piracy." spoke Chloe to Max, flinging her arm around the brunette girl's shoulders.
"Th-thank you." answered the small girl shyly.
Chloe started to giggle and ruffled through the Max's hair. "You're so adorable! C'mon, first mate, let's set sails and find us some treasure a. k. a. mom's cookies!"
"From the first moment I saw her, I knew that she was special." said Chloe. Her cheeks were wet from shed tears and she had a warm smile on her lips as she recalled these childhood memories. "Normally, other people just annoyed me, but Max…" She sniffed. "I always felt comfortable around her. It was like she's been a part of me that I needed to be complete."
"And when you two were separated, you felt lost or even alone?"
Chloe nodded. "When she was on vacation with her parents it was hell. M-my dad always arranged that our vacation was at the same time, so that I had a bit of distraction."
The doctor scribbled some notes on his sheet of paper, before he continued. "Chloe, when you think about your relationship…your bond…with Max, which catch-words come into your mind?"
The blonde girl stayed silent for a while, weighing if and how much she wanted to tell. "Doc, this conversation stays between us, right?"
"Of course. Everything stays in this room." he reassured her with a smile.
Taking a deep breath, Chloe started. "Okay. When I think about her I think about a deep friendship, fun, pirates, photography…" She took another deep breath. Her heart raced. "…d-desire and…lo…" her voice broke as she suppressed a sob.
"Take your time, Chloe."
After some time she'd calmed down enough to continue. "And love." As this word left her mouth it felt like a thousand tons of stones dropped from her heart.
Dr. Mortensen kept scribbling on his paper as Chloe tried to read his expression. "When you say love, do you mean a platonically love, like you'd love a family member or…"
"No, I…uhm…I mean the real deal."
"Amorous feelings?"
She answered with a nod, blushing beet-red. But still, there was no evidence of judgment in the doctor's expression. "Am I normal?" she asked suddenly, making the old man look at her.
"Of course you are. What makes you think otherwise?"
"Doc, I have a crush on my best friend, who's a girl and younger than me. I've been sleeping in her room for over four weeks now. I kissed her picture multiple times. And I…I…" Again she stopped for a deep inhale and another very intimate confession. "I fantasized about her."
Dr. Mortensen put the clipboard with his notes and his pan aside and gazed at Chloe deeply. "Chloe, you're in a state that is commonly known as puberty. Your body goes through a lot of changes and you start to explore your own sexuality. And it happens to a lot of people that they develop an interest in the same gender during this phase, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it will stay this way."
"Doc, I don't give a shit that I'm probably gay. But why her? Why my best friend? And why are my feelings for her are so intense?"
"Have you ever heard of the term social anxiety disorder, short SAD?"
"Yeah, but I always thought that people with SAD aren't able to talk to other people."
"That's only partially true. You see, the human mind is very complex and can't be just described with some simple psychological terms. You, Chloe, have a special variety of SAD. You said it yourself, other people annoy you. You're able to speak to them, but only in a bold or even rude way."
"Okay, so I'm an asshole when I talk with others. Check. No problem there. But what has this to do with Max?" said Chloe, getting impatient.
The old man sighed. "Chloe, firstly, you're not an asshole. Secondly, because of their incapability to form bonds with other people, some persons, who are suffering from SAD, tend to form very deep bonds with very special people. In your case, your father and Max. Since your father sadly passed away, Max became the center of your life. You formed a very deep bond with her. That's the reason you feel responsible for what happened to her. The reason you have this deep desire for her. The reason you always felt lost without her."
"So, my love for her is a result of my deep bond with her?"
"Probably, yes. But it doesn't mean that your love is a product of your SAD."
"Okay, now you lost me, doc."
"Chloe, what I want to say is that you have to find out by yourself, if your amorous feelings for Max are just a phase or, as you called it, the real deal."
"Hmm. Let's assume that they're real. Should I tell her?"
He chuckled. "You know, there is a saying: listen to your heart. I know, probably not what you wanted to hear, but, eventually, only your heart knows what it wants. But if you want my personal opinion: call her and then approach this topic slowly. Don't confront her directly or else you'll scare her away eventually. Got it?"
Chloe nodded, stood up and grabbed her stuff. "Got it, doc. Thanks for your help…and the talk! Gotta run and make a call! Bye!"
Before the doctor could say anything else, Chloe had already left and was on her way home.
The phone laid on the dining table in front of her. For the last thirty minutes, Chloe just stated at it and tried to muster the courage to call Max.
'What's holding you back, Price? An hour ago you were so sure; so confident; and now you chicken out? You're not only an asshole, but also a chicken!'
"FUCK." yelled Chloe, jumped up and threw her mug against the wall. She walked the whole living room up and down, the pieces of the smashed mug cracking under her shoes every time she passed them.
"Okay, Price, calm down!" Her heart was beating in a fast pace and her breathing was near to hyperventilation. She stopped in front of the table again, leaned on it with both hands and took deep breaths. "You fucked up, now take responsibility. Even if she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, she definitely deserves an apology."
Chloe picked up her phone from the table, opened it and hit the speed-dial button for Max's number. It rang. Once. Twice. With every passing second, Chloe got more and more nervous. Her hand was shaking and she chewed on her bottom lip, until her call finally got answered.
"Max's voice: Hi, this is Max Caul…What?...No!...No, Chloe, I won't do it in pirate. Hey! Gimme my phone back! Chloe…
Max's voice gets inaudible.
Chloe giggles.
Chloe's voice (mimicking a pirate) : Arrrrrr, this is Maxi's jibberjabber box, you landlubber! If you've got any hints on the treasure that we seek, leave a message after the beep!
Max's voice (getting audible again): Chloe, don't you dare hitting that button!
Chloe giggles again.
Beep!"
Chloe held her phone tight in her clenched hand. A flood of tears dripped down onto the table and her face was grimaced by emotional pain as she recalled another childhood memory. It took her a lot of strength to speak those next words under her sobs.
"Max…I'm sorry…!" She sniffed. "Max…please…I need you…"
Her voice broke and she dropped the phone onto the desk, before she buried her face in her hands and started to cry intensely.