Chapter 46
A/N: In reference to Brittana, it's not as simple as Take Me or Leave Me. In some ways it is, but in others it isn't. I do have a plan with Brittana. However I am a strong believer that every relationship, romantic or otherwise is a challenge, because as people we change and grow and in relationships one of the most enriching, most heartbreaking, most demanding and most inspiring aspect is maintaining those relationships alongside all those inevitable changes that one faces over a lifetime and learning how to grow and change with that other person as you grow and change. I know that was a big explanation, but I want you to know that is my opinion. Thank you. Also, remember that Brittany and Santana are still only sixteen. They're growing and learning as well as figuring out who they are and who they are in their relationship.
Also, I apologize for the delay. I'm in the process of moving again. Super sorry.
Finally, I hope that this chapter does not disappoint. It's been building for awhile and hopefully you're satisfied with this chapter, but it's still going to build. I don't want to cause any further anguish for you. …..but I think it might. I think you'll all hate me. …. so … here you go...
To All My Reviewers: As I have said – there will be a sequel or two to this story. I am not sure yet when it will start or when this will end because I have more moments and arcs in this story. However, I want to be clear – RACHEL DOES NOT DIE IN THIS STORY.
DeeleeAnna - Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope you continue to enjoy this story. This chapter was difficult to write because there were some very sensitive / complex subjects. Thank you for reviewing it means so much than words can say.
littleredwriting - Thank you for finding my story. I am so happy that you reviewed about each character and the things you liked about each. It makes me happy to see what my readers take and like in each of the characters. Thank you again and I am glad you really like it.
Jared - Quinn rarely fought back because when she did she always got more. So she learned at a really young age to not fight back. The reading of Judy's will will be in the next chapter. Thank you for your review.
Taylor – Thank you so much for the review. I think you will really like the Shelby Quinn moments in this chapter as well but hang on because it gets crazy.
HayleyLouise – Two days! Wow! That is a lot of reading. Thank you so much and they you for reviewing. Dealing with Mr. Schuester is one of the top priorities!
leamicheleisawesome – Thank you! Glad you enjoy!
StormHallow88 – I love that you call them episodes. Judy's won't have a funeral just a burial and you will see it in this chapter so I hope you like it. Rachel is in a very dark place right now but hopefully she will be out of it soon enough. Thank you for your review.
Filmaddict –Well this chapter will also have you in tears I think. Rachel is scared to move forward. And at this point she can't see herself moving forward. But she will. Thank you for the review.
Drea LuRuiz – Thank you for your review. As you call him Shitster will be dealt with a little in this chapter.
Cookie07 – As always your reviews and recaps of the chapters always encourage me. I always love to see my readers favorite parts or pieces of the chapter that they like the best. It is so good. Thank you so much.
Xo – Thank you for your review. I encourage everyone to review I just would appreciate it more if it was constructive criticism. The girls are having night terrors not nightmares. They are far more intense and real feeling, you will see why in this chapter.
Lexie-Rae- Awesome review as always. Thank you so much. You put so much thought into your reviews and take time to post them I am truly honored. Keep them coming - hope you enjoy this chapter. It has taken a lot out of me!
dolphinluver46 – Glad you like it. Thank you
Iuterpi – Thank you – there is a big arc in this chapter – or two – all of these were planned but they are needed. I am glad you are still enjoying.
Piper – Quinn's was NOT a flashback – it was a night terror – it did not happen. Thanks for reviewing and I hope you like this chapter.
Guest – Rachel is not ready for friends. She wants and needs them but not yet. And she does have her fellow dancers. But she hasn't gone back to them. Thanks for the review.
stars4redvines – Its ok I understand and I am very happy that you enjoy the story. I hope you continue to like it. Thanks for the review.
Dave Green – Shue is NOT going to kill Rachel. Rachel does NOT die. Trust me. Thank you for loving my story. I loved your review.
alopez208- I think you will really enjoy the Shelby / Quinn interaction in this chapter. Quinn takes such a big step. Never apologize for your review – large or small I love them all! Thank you so much for taking the time.
Fangirl44 – Quinn is my betas favorite but I do love her also. San and Britt will keep it going! Thank you.
RainbowGleek – Rachel is NOT going to get killed. She will not die in this story I promise you. Thank you so much for the review.
Guest – Thank you
Guest – Thank you – Rachel's prediction will NOT come true.
Renata – Please never ever apologize for a long review. I am shocked an honored when I see the reviews – loving every minute of reading them. So thank you so so much. I am really glad you liked the Brittana scene. They are very special to me and I want to get it right. Thank you !
FlatWeasley – Well welcome guest / Flatweasley – a review is a review but I love when people log in and are not just guest. Your English is not terrible and thank you so much for reviewing my story. I am so glad you like. And no killing yourself!
Guest- Rachel is not going to kill herself nor will she be killed. I promise you. Thanks for the review.
Anna – Thanks for the review. They were not flashbacks though. They were night terrors. It will be explained more in this chapter. I hope you like it.
Guest – That would be a weird headline. We shall see if the sisters end up going with Noah. Those two will always be into something. Thanks for the review.
look4me - Thank you for all of your kind words and you indepth review. I love reading them. I wanted to get this chapter out sooner but life kept getting in the way. Trust me your kind words and the way you review the chapter keep me going.
Arielle – you are 100 million percent correct and I am embarrassed for spelling the Beatles name wrong. My beta/proofreader has been dealt with accordingly. I may her tattoo it on her wrist – she will never forget it now. Quinn and Rachel are very much a like but very different. Thank you for reviewing.
TommyH Thank you I am glad you enjoyed
thelastcenturian Trust me they all feel your love! I am glad you enjoy the story and thank you for your kind words. And soon you can punch Will I promise. Also, I adore your stories and am particularly hooked on Irrefutable! Cannot wait for an update (well, clearly, I will but am waiting eagerly)
NinjaGleek21 – Thank you for the cookies! I love your cookies.
NayaFan – Thank you so much for your review. Your support is outstanding. I hope you enjoy this chapter. It is a crazy ride right now and they are all going to need hugs after this one. I changed it a couple of times and I hope it comes out correctly.
Gleek101 – You are so right no eleven year old should plan their funeral. And for a mother to hear it is heartbreaking. Thank you so much for your review.
Brittany looked over at Santana as they did their work. She had just returned from meeting with Elyse. She couldn't read her. She never knew what she was thinking anymore. She wanted so desperately to be in her head, but she knew that she couldn't. She knew in her heart of hearts that she was still Santana and she knew unquestionably that she loved her. She didn't lie before. However, as she watched Santana with a soft gaze, and as subtly as possible, Brittany questioned the depth of her words. People underestimated how much thought she put into her words and actions. However, Brittany didn't care what people thought as much as she cared about the people she thought of. She had told her she loved her. It was out there. She felt like a weight had been lifted and she felt better, but she felt something different. She felt a responsibility not to let Santana down. She meant every word that she said genuinely to Santana. However, she would be lying to herself if she didn't admit that she hoped Santana didn't tell her the details. It was a tiny part but it was there. She wasn't worried that her opinion of Santana would change but she was concerned that she wasn't strong enough. It wasn't just about supporting Santana and being there no matter what they went through, it was providing the support that Santana needed. Brittany watched the brunette softly as she silently did her work. She knew that Santana didn't feel like she was good enough but Brittany couldn't help but fear that she wasn't enough either.
"What's wrong?"
Brittany looked up and Rachel was looking at her in a way that only Rachel could.
"Nothing," Brittany smiled awkwardly. "Nothing."
She met Santana's eyes as she looked up and gave her a reassuring smile.
"Rachel," Shelby called from her desk. "Focus less on Santana and Brittany and more on finishing that lunch of yours." Holly had left a few minutes prior and Quinn and Rachel continued to pout over their food. "I'm serious girls," Shelby said from her seat.
"No, I just want to do my work," she said quietly as she moved her food around.
"I understand that but you need to eat," Shelby pushed. "Quinn, I see you putting food in your napkin. Knock it off. Rachel tried it this morning."
The eleven year old looked up with a sheepish and deep frown.
Quinn frowned and threw her fork at the sink, causing everyone in the kitchen to jump and look up. "This is stupid!"
Shelby looked up and said calmly, "That was unacceptable, Quinn. Go retrieve another fork please."
Quinn frowned. "No," she shouted and pushed back from her chair. "This is so stupid!"
"Quinn," Shelby called as the blonde stood and started to storm out of the room. "Quinn."
The blonde didn't stop. She was out of sight. Joey put her hand up to Shelby as the woman started after her. "I've got it."
"She needs to take her meds," Shelby said with a sigh. Joey nodded and grabbed an apple as she left the room. Shelby sighed and turned to the girls. "We'll be out looking at cars for Noah and -"
"When can Quinn and I get a car?" Santana asked thoughtfully. "We both have our licenses and we both -"
"First of all, Santana, you're not getting a car anytime soon, quite frankly your brother probably isn't getting a car soon," Shelby frowned. "You all have broken so many privileges and are grounded indefinitely" Shelby looked over briefly at Rachel who was still moving her food around. She looked back at the girls. "Just because we're looking at cars doesn't mean your brother is getting one."
"But Mom, I don't-"
"End of discussion, Santana," Shelby said, turning her attention to Rachel. "Eat, please."
Rachel looked up and looked at the door Quinn left in. Shelby saw it; a melt down was on the verge of its arrival. Rachel rubbed her eyes. "I don't want to do this," she whispered. The tears fell harder. "I'm tired I'm just tired. I'm tired."
Santana looked at Rachel with a frown Sporadic, impromptu crying was usually left to Santana not Rachel. The older girl looked at Brittany and then her mother.
"Rach," she said gently and rubbed Rachel's back. "Mom's not being pushy because she wants to be mean.-"
Shelby frowned. "Thanks, Santana," she muttered.
"She's being mean because she loves you," Santana continued not seeming to notice her mother's look of irritation as if her children are missing the point.
She frowned at her eldest daughter and shook her head. "Rachel, you and Quinn are on this plan because you're underweight. However, I see that you've tried and are tired. Take this," the mother said as she handed her a glass of water and the pills. Rachel took the pills and Shelby wiped her tears. "It's okay to be tired," she said softly.
Rachel rubbed her eyes. "I'm just tired" she muttered, embarrassed that she was crying. She slipped off of the stool and took Santana's hand. "Come on."
Santana looked at her mom. "Be right back."
Shelby opened her mouth to protest just as Rachel took her other free hand and pulled at Brittany. "Come on."
"Um..." the blonde began as she was pulled up the backstairs.
"As soon as she's out, ladies, come back down here," Shelby warned.
Santana nodded and headed up the stairs throwing Brittany a glance as they followed Rachel up the stairs.
Shelby watched them leave with a frown. Something felt out of place. Suddenly her head shot up.
"Noah!"
"Don't scream, Shelby," Helen scolded from the stove. "Rachel, liked the pasta? I will make her soup. And Quinn, did Quinn like the casserole?" Shelby didn't really respond, but her mother nodded and continued to mutter to herself as she puttered around the stove.
"Thanks, Mom," she muttered as she peeked down into the basement. She heard him hammering. "Noah?" she asked as she walked down the stairs. "What are you doing? "
She looked around the room. It was in pieces. "Bud, how's the project going?" she asked the boy.
He turned and looked at her. "Um... I'm trying to change something around."
"Something? It looks like the whole thing," she said carefully. "What's going on?"
Noah sighed. "I'm making something for Rach? A place where she can dance..." He said with a mutter. "I just... don't really know how..."
Shelby smiled. "Come here for a sec," she smiled.
He sat down next to her. "I know. I know. I should be doing my work."
"Well, I'm happy you're taking a break." She wrapped her arm around his shoulders. "What made you want to do this?"
He shrugged. "She needs a place. A place where she can be. I mean San has... I don't know. Everywhere..." He thought for a moment. "I remember that Quinn used to dance." He shrugged again. "I just want them to have a place."
She nodded. "Like you did?" she asked. He nodded. She thought carefully about her words before she said them. "You're still not sure if you want to leave them."It was a balancely stated question that intermingled with a statement.
He frowned. "I just don't want to leave."
Shelby nodded and looked around the shambled room. She recognized in that moment that Noah was ready, but he hadn't realized he was. She smiled and looked at him.
"Thank you for doing this," she smiled, remembering originally Noah was trying to build an 'echo room.' "I love this idea. I think it's a good idea." She frowned. "But I don't know how Rachel will take it.-"
"You don't think she'll like it?" he asked quickly. "I can make something that she likes. I mean-"
"Noah," she said gently. "I want you to know that this is incredible. I will help you do this. This is great! However, she's just not sure because this." She paused and looked around the room. "This was all really ripped from her. We have to ease her back into this."
He frowned. "He broke her didn't he?"
"Noah," she whispered. "She's not broken."
"But this changed her." He frowned and looked at his hands. "I wonder what Quinn would be like if …." He stopped himself. "I just... I don't know." He gave a slight scoff. "I didn't see. I saw her everyday..."
"Noah," Shelby offered.
"No," he muttered. "It just shows how you never know."
She sighed. "So we're going to head out in a few minutes and look at cars for you."
He sighed. "We really don't have to."
"I want to," she smiled. "Plus we can spend some time together."
"Can I ask you something?" he asked as he stood slowly.
"Shoot," she said looking at her boy.
"You're going to adopt her right?" he said casually. "I mean... That's just the next thing you're gonna do. I mean it's the only thing to do."
She smiled softly. "We will see."
He frowned and hardened his look. "Seriously. She might hate it but you have to make it happen."
She nodded. "Noted."
He started up the stairs. "Don't tell her I said that," he muttered as he walked up the stairs.
…..
Joey chased after Quinn. "Hey, speedy," she called. "Slow down."
"What?" she asked whipping around to face the woman.
"Firstly," Joey said offering the the girl an apple. "Eat this." The blonde rolled her eyes and took the the apple. "Secondly," the woman said. "Step in here."
Joey led her into Quinn's room.
"This is my room," Quinn muttered. ."Shouldn't I invite you in?"
Quinn ate the apple quietly and silently took the bottle of water and pills that Joey also offered.
"Are you sad?" she muttered after she swallowed the pills.
"What?" Joey asked looking at the girl.
"Are you sad?" she repeated again gazing at the floor as she took another bite of her apple.
"About Judy?" she asked quietly, showing some vulnerability.
Quinn nodded.
She thought for a moment. "In so many ways," she said quietly. "I've been sad about her for a long time."
"Why?" Quinn scoffed as Joey encouraged her to sit up on Quinn's loft bed. "She was terrible to you. She hated you."
Joey laughed lightly. "That was just her... And I knew that deep down. It was just this brave face that she put on, but … I knew that she lost herself a long time ago."
"To her husband," Quinn muttered looking at her cast.
Joey nodded. "People change though," she whispered. "That's an inevitability."
Quinn frowned at her cast and continued to look down. Joey wasn't sure what she was thinking or what was going through her head.
"Why didn't you fight for her?" she whispered.
Joey looked at her sharply. "What?"
The sixteen year old girl looked up. "You let her become who she is when you knew... when you knew she was …."
Joey looked at her with a lump in her throat. "It wasn't my job to save her," she said honestly but with a cracked voice.
Quinn shook her head. "Then whose was it?" she frowned. "I looked through the old yearbooks. You were her only friend... her only ally..." She looked at her cast again. "You don't like the person she became but you watched it happen."
"If I knew, Quinn, what they were doing ...what was happening in that house," she said quietly. "I wish I knew."
"No, you don't," Quinn whispered. "No, one does."
"Quinn," she said quietly.
The girl shook her head. "No," she urged as she leaned against the wall of her bed. "No." she looked her in the eye. "You don't wish that... because..." She trailed off.
"What?" Joey asked.
She shook her head. "People weren't supposed to know that's my fault."
"That's not what you were about to say," Joey pushed.
Quinn shook her head and looked at her with a hard stare. "You're glad you didn't know. You're grateful that you weren't forced to know this way..." She shook her head. "This was my life." She muttered. "Now everyone knows...And I kinda blame you for that..."
She looked at her hard. "Okay," Joey nodded.
"You're where everything fell apart," she snapped. "All of it..."
Joey sighed. She knew that this conversation was so much bigger than its words. Quinn wasn't just angry and muffled in her emotions. Additionally, in this moment it wasn't just about pointing a finger, she was devastated and this was the only way she was able to articulate it.
"I'm tired," she muttered.
"Quinn, I'm sorry," Joey said softly as Quinn lay down away from her.
Quinn looked over her shoulder. "I don't need an apology and you don't need me to forgive you."
"That's not true," Joey muttered.
Quinn rolled over and turned in her bed so that she was on her back. She yawned. "No," she said blankly. "It's just this is our lives now and it's easier to think about what we could have done."
"Alright," Joey muttered as she made her way out of the room.
…..
Rachel pulled Santana into Santana's room. The old brunette wondered briefly if Rachel would ever sleep in her bed again. Santana wrapped her arms around Rachel as she spooned her from behind. Rachel hugged George but still her a hand wrapped around Brittany's hand that was laying in front of her.
"Thanks for laying with me," Rachel muttered with her eyes closed.
Santana watched Brittany as she held Rachel. It didn't seem foreign. It felt right. However, something was clearly on Brittany's mind. She opened her mouth to say something, but once again she was interrupted.
"I'm happy you're here," Rachel muttered.
Brittany gave a small smile and squeezed her hand.
"You're coming with us tomorrow right?" she whispered with her eyes closed.
"Bug, you're supposed to go to sleep," Santana smiled.
"Where?" Brittany asked tucking a piece of stray hair behind Rachel's ear.
"To Judy's …" Rachel thought for a moment. "When we put her in the ground."
Brittany looked into the girl's eyes with a pause. "Yes," she said finally, feeling Santana's eyes on her. "I'll be there."
Santana watched the blonde with a frown as she played with the back of Rachel's hair.
"I'm glad that you have each other," Rachel whispered tiredly. "Promise that you'll always be friends. And be there for each other and love each other even when you're fighting?"
Brittany gave a chuckle. "Sure," she muttered. She saw a small glint in Santana's eye and went on. "Why? Are you going somewhere soon?" She gave another smile, but it slowly faded when she saw Santana's face behind Rachel. "Rachel, why are you asking this?"
Rachel's eyes were closed. "Just in case," she whispered quietly.
Brittany frowned and looked over Rachel at Santana who was avoiding her eyes. She sighed and reached above Rachel's head and pushed back Santana's hair, causing the girl to look up. She looked at her with tear filled eyes. Brittany looked over at Rachel and felt her grip loosen. She looked back up towards Santana and saw that she saw it too because the older brunette was quietly extracting herself from the bed. Santana pulled the blanket up around Rachel and placed a gentle kiss on Rachel's forehead and motioned toward the door.
Brittany followed her and watched as Santana pulled the door closed behind her. The blonde watched her carefully as the brunette began to walk a step or two ahead of her. The girl suddenly stopped causing Brittany to almost run into her. Santana turned and faced her with a look that she couldn't read.
"You okay?" Brittany asked.
Santana licked her lip and thought for a moment. Waiting, as she gathered her words. "He's scared the shit out of her," she whispered.
"How about you?" Brittany asked.
Santana looked at her with a frown. "Yes," she nodded. She bit her lip. "I want you to know that I love you... I just..." She frowned. "That room still haunts me... the one I told you about... and Rachel gets scared but she doesn't know exactly what happened... Or at least that's what we thought." Santana looked at her hands. "I want you to know all of my secrets, I just don't know how to tell you."
Brittany took her hand. "Whenever you're ready, I'll listen." She looked back at Rachel's room. "She's scared and she had you."
Santana nodded. "I just need to be there for Quinn and Rachel right now. Noah too, I guess, but we need to be there for them, but I'll understand if you need a break from all this. It's a lot."
The blonde smiled. "In so many ways, San, none of this is new. It just feels new..." She sighed. "I'll be there for them, but I'm also here for you. You're my person..."
Santana took her hand. "Thank you." She paused. "I wish I could be better for you," she muttered
"That's it," Brittany said as she tugged Santana into Rachel's room across the hall. She grabbed the flower vase that held Rachel's key chain collection. She took them out muttering about how she would replace it later.
"What are you doing?" Santana asked quietly.
"Every time you say shit like that you put a quarter in here …. or some kind of money coin," Brittany said giving her the vase. "You, Santana, are who I want. You are perfect. Put a damn quarter in."
Santana gave a nervous laugh. "What?"
"I mean it," Brittany smiled. "I'm not going anywhere, but I'm not going to listen to this anymore. Hopefully, I won't make a lot of money in this jar, but..." She sighed. "By putting yourself down all time, you also make me feel that you don't have faith in me to know what's great-"
"Brittany, that's not what I mean," Santana muttered.
"I know these wounds run deep and I may never understand completely what has happened and what you're going to but you're hurting and I hate that," she sighed. "I learned long ago that it's not reasonable to 'fix' you because that's... not what I want... I want you to be happy and to … I don't know... none of this is coming out right... I just...There's a lot that you can't change, but putting yourself down to me..." she shrugged as she cupped her face. "It's something we can actually work on." She kissed her softly. "Because maybe," Another kiss. "If you stop saying it to me." Another kiss. "You'll stop saying it to yourself," she said with a whisper as she pulled back.
Santana leaned and rested her forehead on hers.
"Kay," she whispered tearfully. she looked around Rachel's room. "Remember when we used to make forts with Rach?" Brittany nodded. "We should do that."
The blonde nodded. "Noted."
…..
Joey teetered down the stairs. Shelby handed Noah his jacket as Gus waited in the back entry way with Michael. .
"Are you sure you have this?" the mother asked looking at her sister and mother.
Joey nodded. "We're fine. Go and look. Quinn is asleep and -"
"Rachel is out," Santana announced as she entered the kitchen with Brittany. She rolled her eyes. "In my bed of course.
"Please do your work," Shelby said to the girls. "Brittany your mother should swing by later to pick you up. Are you all set? Do you need anything?"
Brittany smiled. "I'm fine."
"Mom, we don't have to do this today," Noah started.
Shelby shook her head. "I want to look." She smiled genuinely at her son. "We are doing this." She pointed to the homework. "Get to work please."
"Have fun!" Santana said in a sing song voice. "I still don't understand why I can't look too..."
Shelby looked at her eldest daughter. "Because car shopping is a privilege, Santana." She arched her brow. "Not for people who try to high-jack cars." Santana looked at her with a frown. "I remember you trying to leave with the car. You were in the driver's seat, young lady."
Santana scoffed. "It was for a good cause! Quinn stole Noah's car!"
"And is she coming shopping with us?"
Santana frowned. "No," she muttered.
"Do your work, captain," Joey smiled. "You're digging yourself a hole."
"I will pick out something you'll like San," Noah smiled.
"No, you will pick out something that I like," Shelby corrected. She shook her head. "Let's go." She held up her phone. "Call me please. if anything comes up."
Helen shook her head. "It won't."
"Don't jinx it," Shelby and Joey scolded.
She shook her head as Shelby, Michael and Noah followed Gus out of the house to start their journey to the car dealership
Quinn felt herself being yanked into her father's room. How did she get here? She felt her heart beating in her chest; she felt the tension in her chest; she felt the grip on her arm. The wasn't her remembering. It was something else. It was real. She tugged her body away from him. It couldn't be real. He was gone. He was in prison and -
She couldn't get free from his grip. It was real. It was happening and it was going on.
"Please, don't," she begged as she felt herself being tossed to the floor.
He frowned and began to unthread his belt. He hauled her up by his hand and pushed her over the couch.
"Please," she begged. "I'm sorry. I swear …. I..."
"Shut up!" he bellowed. He staggered to the closet. He was drunk. He was usually drunk when this happened, but not all the time. She frowned. What was going on? Something felt different; something was definitely off. She felt her breath hitch in her chest. He kept the cane in the closet. Please not the cane.
But he didn't pull out the cane.
Her eyes bulged out of her head as both Santana and Rachel were hauled out of the closet and thrown to the floor. Rachel looked the same as she did in the hospital. She was bruised and bleeding; her face was tear stained. She was naked and exposed. Quinn's eyes darted to Santana. She had never seen her strong sister like that before. She was uncovered in every way she could be; her vulnerability was so raw and terrifying that the blonde wanted nothing more than to protect her. Quinn saw that she too was bleeding in the same places that Rachel was. Quinn held back a sob and tried to move toward them but was slammed against the desk instead.
She felt her father leaning over her. "Had some fun with them before you got here," he hissed as he pulled her dress up over her. "Now, it's your turn."
She gripped the far side of the desk. There were rarely times that she really fought back, at least not in the ways she wanted to. Typically, she whimpered and pushed away weakly, but she never made an effort, made the effort that she knew she could achieve, but in this moment when her only family was lying on the ground she knew she had no other choice. She pushed against him with every muscle and ever fiber of strength that she had cultivated since she began dance and cheerleading. She managed to turn in his arms so that she was facing him, but still pinned underneath him.
Her father fought to keep her still.
"WHAT THE HELL!" he bellowed. She pushed against him with her eyes squeezed shut to muster her strength She heard Rachel screaming as she attempted to fight him. He didn't move. She felt her body slam down again, but she felt a weight lifted. She opened her eyes and rushed over to the girls.
"Are you okay?" she whispered to them.
Before she could respond, she felt herself being yanked back over to the desk. A flash of the fire in the fireplace flashed across her line of vision. When had he lit the fire? He never lit the fire... he never …. She looked over her shoulder just as she was pushed over her father's wooden desk. She felt the familiar feeling of her dress being pulled up and her underwear being pulled down... Fire, she thought, what was it lit... What was he going to do? ….. She searching her mind. Her father only... had... only put his... She couldn't even finish her thought in her head. It only had happened five times... That was why she left the house that night, the night that ruined everything. She left that house because she was so torn by the stupidest fact. The fact that she would have to count on her other hand now the times that they were together if... and when... he came back. That simple fact, not everything else was what pushed her out of the house. But the fire... Her mind was jumping around so much. Why was the fire?
Suddenly, she realized that he wasn't on top of her anymore. She looked over her shoulder and he was stalking toward her.
She froze.
The fire.
He had a fire poker in his hand. They had all of the tools for building a fire for show, but they never had fires in the house. The chimney's weren't even clear. She frowned. The poker wasn't a poker but it had been formed into an "F." She clawed at the desk and pushed away but somehow she was held there. Somehow she couldn't move. She couldn't get away as she felt the searing brand on her backside as her father marked her permanently.
"This is the only family you will be part of," he hissed as Quinn screamed as her skin began to sear. "Remember who your real family is, Quinn."
Joey looked around the kitchen. What was she forgetting? Noah was with Shelby. Quinn and Rachel were asleep and Brittany and Santana were looking not so subtly at each other as they did their work.
Her thoughts were broken when she heard thumping noises. Knocking noises. It sounded like a struggle.
"Mom," she called looking up the stairs. "Stay here." Santana stood looking up the stairs. "You, too." She looked at them with a cold stare. Santana opened her mouth to protest but Joey cut her off. "I mean it."
Joey started up the back stairs and toward the girls' room. Her heart beat fast as she wondered what she would find. She heard the tosing. It sounded like something was hitting the wall. She frowned. It sounded like... She heard grunting and struggling. Quinn, she thought. Her pace quickened as she grabbed the cordless phone from the hallway as she made her way into the bedroom. She heard a scream.
She opened the door and ran to Quinn's lofted bed. The girl had pushed herself to the corner of her bed. Her cast was banging against the side railing of the bed. Her face was beaded with sweat and her breathing was rapid and chaotic.
"Quinn," Joey said as she climbed up into the large loft bed. "You need wake up."
The girl let out a scream. She looked over her shoulder and Santana was standing at the door looking at Quinn's distressed form with pained, helpless eyes. She rushed over with confident strides, climbing into the bunk, and took Quinn's head and kept her from hitting it anymore.
"Quinn," Santana called. "Quinn."
She cradled her head and saw Brittany staring at the scene wide eyed and frozen at the entrance to the room.
"Quinn," Joey tried again, dodging a flailing arm from hitting her square in the face.
"Quinn!" Santana called again.
The girl pushed them away with a whimper. "No! NO!" she called with her eyes squeezed shut. "Don't, Sir! Please, don't! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
She was sobbing. Santana had never seen anyone sob in their sleep.
"Quinn!" she shouted.
The girl jumped awake and opened her eyes. She felt arms around her and she scooted back in her bed. "Don't! Please!" she continued to sob. "Don't!"
She breathed heavily. Her heart was out of her chest and her breathing was ragged. She felt her body and looked at her bottom quickly. Nothing. Nothing. Where was she? She looked around. She spotted Joey in front of her. She held her lamb instinctively to her chest.
"He's not here?" he asked quietly. It was a mixture of a statement and a question, as if she knew.
Joey shook her head, kneeling in front her. "No, honey. He's not here. He's in prison." She wiped the hair that was matted to the young girl's face with sweat off of her face. "He isn't going to get you ever again."
She took a breath, still breathing heavily. She felt someone behind her wipe her hair off her neck. How was she all sweaty? She looked behind her and Santana was staring at her softly.
"You're okay," she said in a whisper. She turned her body toward the other girl. She was so relieved. It wasn't real. It wasn't, she told herself as she looked at her sister in relief. How could something so terrifying not be real? She realized Santana was watching her.
Santana gave a faint smile and a quiet nod. "Yeah, I'm okay. We're all okay."
Quinn nodded and rested her wet forehead on her sister's shoulder. "Okay."
Santana glanced at her Aunt as she rubbed Quinn's back. Joey's eyes were darting at Quinn with a deep set frown. Santana looked at the door and Brittany was staring back at them with confused tear filled eyes.
"What was that?" Brittany asked barely above a whisper.
Quinn looked up at Brittany and the taller blonde felt like a deer caught in the headlights. She wanted to be there. She wanted to help. She wanted to support. She wanted all of that, but nothing could have prepared her for that. For seeing her childhood best friend like that, for seeing all the clues that she missed before.
Quinn opened her mouth and looked around with a shake of her head. "I don't...," she muttered. "I don't know," she said more strongly. She frowned and played with the roughness of her cast. "I felt it all. All of it." She shook her head. "It was so real and... I couldn't... I couldn't get away..."
Joey looked at her with a frown. "That was different than anything before...worse than a bad dream..."
"Rachel had one last night," Santana whispered. "She was kicking and screaming...It was like she was in it."
The brunette looked at her hands as if they knew her helplessness best.
"I had one too," Quinn said interrupting her thoughts. "...Last night I mean..." She looked at Joey. "They're so different... They're so real. It's like you're stuck in them. It's as if that's the reality."
"Night terrors."
Santana looked at the door at the blonde who spoke.
"Night terrors," Brittany said more loudly. "Sometimes..." She shook her head. "They're bigger than just dreams..." She felt the three pairs of eyes on her. "When... when my Papi came back from the war, he would have them... My Nanny would talk about it. I've .. just... I've never seen one..."
Quinn looked at her with conflicted eyes. "I didn't …. I didn't go to war."
Brittany looked at her hands. "In so many ways you did," she whispered. She looked at her tearfully. "You all did."
Santana looked at her with a frown. She saw Brittany in a way that she never saw her before. She realized in that moment that Brittany had been left behind. Maybe they were all finally catching up. Maybe they were all finally seeing each other.
Joey sighed and looked at the girls. "Let's move you downstairs to the living room. You can curl up on the couch."
Quinn looked around. "I like my bed. I slept well in it before," she muttered.
Joey nodded. "But if you have a …. " She paused. "I just don't want you to fall out." She frowned for a second and looked at the door and into the hallway.
"It's probably all the stuff that is happening," Brittany said quietly leaning against the side of the bed.
Quinn looked up from her cast. "What about medication?"
Brittany frowned. "I don't know. I know later when my Papi died my Nanny had to change her medication a lot because her dreams were too crazy." Brittany shrugged. "But she didn't have … um... that... She just... She was sad and couldn't sleep." She looked at Santana. "I don't know if this is helping."
"It is," Santana and Quinn said at the same time.
Quinn looked at her. "We just started on these new pills. It must be them. I don't care what Shelby says. I would rather not sleep then sleep like that... it's... too intense..." She trailed off. "It was too much." She looked at Santana. "It was too real."
And as if on queue, a blood curling scream echoed from Santana's room.
Rachel had her hands over her face as she hid behind the couch. This felt familiar. They were in their family room. Dexter was on. She wasn't allowed to watch it. Santana and Noah were barely allowed to watch it. She was supposed to be asleep. She watched as Dexter took his power tool and lowered it toward his victim. Her eyes widened and she ducked behind the couch with her fingers over her eyes and her thumbs in her ears. She breathed rapidly. Oh, no. Oh, no! she repeated in her head. She suddenly felt arms wrap around her and pick her up gently. This had happened. Her mom had put her back to bed. She was safe. She was safe. She was-
She opened her eyes and pushed back, but the arms held her tightly.
It was Mr. Schuester.
She pushed away from him with a sob. "No. No. No." She couldn't get free.
"No, no, Rachel," he smiled. "No, no."
She squeezed her eyes shut and found herself in dark room covered in plastic. She began to cry. Dexter only kills bad people. He only made bad people pay... He made the world a better place. She let out a sob but didn't hear herself. Her mouth was covered. She opened her eyes and she saw him standing over her.
"Hi," he smiled holding up something shiny. She sobbed. It was a knife.
She felt him cut her cheeks. She shook and tried to get up. She could feel the constraints of the plastic. It was so tight. She wanted to stop her cheeks from stinging she wanted to get up.
He walked around her. His steps echoed through the plastic covered room she was just now noticing. "You should have allowed me to take you before." He ran his hand over her cheek. "Look at all the troubles you've caused," she whispered. He ran her hand down her leg. She sobbed as she realized she wasn't wearing anything but the plastic and her legs were pried open.
"I want my mom," she sobbed.
He took the tip of the knife. It felt so real and so sharp, even over the plastic. It trailed up her leg. She let out a sob as her bladder released.
"You can't even control that," he mocked. "You're sure a baby." He chuckled as she leaned closer to her, climbing on the table. "I'll make sure you never grow up. You're such a waste to everyone but me. You're mine."
She let out a sob as he climbed on top of her and felt the knife slowly sink into her stomach and the pain set it.
She felt arms around her. She could still feel the knife. She breathed rapidly. There was a wetness around her. She paused. Where was the plastic? She pushed away at the arms that held her. He was going to rape her. He was going to hurt her. She sobbed and pushed away.
"No, please," she pushed away.
She felt another hand. There were three hands on her. One was stroking her hair.
"Bugs, wake up."
She paused. "Santana?"
"Yeah," the voice said. She opened her eyes and turned to her sister. She released a sob of relief and wrapped her arms around Santana. She paused and realized that Joey had been holding her before.
She let out a sob into Santana's shoulder. "I had an accident," she whispered.
"It's okay," Santana said looking over her shoulder at her aunt and her grandmother who just entered the room. Joey explained what was going on quietly. She carried Rachel toward the bathroom.
"Go watch your face, dear," Nana said gently to Quinn. "And change your clothes. You'll be more comfortable."
Quinn gave a gentle nod and left the room. Helen reached to take Rachel from the girl. The eleven year old let out a scream. "No, please please! Let me stay with my sister please!"
Helen put her hands up. "Alright, Rachel," she said rubbing the girl's back. She looked at Santana as she continued to talk to the young girl. "She's not going anywhere, Rach, but I'm going to come help you."
Rachel melted back into Santana's arms. "Don't leave," she whispered into Santana's neck.
"I won't," she whispered back.
She heard her grandmother instruct Joey to strip the bed and follow Quinn and now Brittany. She turned her attention back to Rachel. She was still shaking and her face was tear stained.
"Hey," she said gently. "You're okay. We'll take care of this."
Rachel flushed as she looked down at her damp clothes. She looked at Santana, embarrassed and ashamed. "I'm …. I'm sorry..."
Rachel remembered sleeping frequently with Santana and wetting the bed. She always felt badly about it. It was part of the reason why she was so embarrassed. She wasn't five years old anymore. She thought more deeply. She shouldn't be acting like this.
She frowned and looked at Rachel. She could see that Rachel had retreated slightly and let the guilt and humiliation engulf her as a truth. It was familiar. Rachel wet the bed long before their father died. She had high anxiety. Then after everything happened, she had difficulty long after too. Santana sighed. No one was ever as disappointed in Rachel as Rachel was.
"Bug?" she whispered. "It's okay." She leaned her head down so she could meet Rachel's downcast eyes. "It's okay," she repeated.
"I'm sorry," she whispered . "I didn't mean to...I didn't … I'm sorry."
Santana pulled her into her arms. "Don't be sorry. You were scared."
She held Rachel quietly rocking her back and forth. She knew how to clean her up. She knew how to take care of her. She frowned, so did Rachel. She used to be so mortified by it all that she tries so hard to take care of herself.
"Quinn had a bad, bad dream too," she whispered with Rachel in her arms. "We think it's the medicine."
Rachel just continued to hug Santana. She rested her head on Santana's shoulder.
"I don't want him to get me," she whispered. "I don't."
Santana smirked quietly. "Who said you did, bug?" She didn't feel Rachel smile back. She pulled away slightly. "What?" She searched her eyes. "what are you talking about?"
Rachel looked at her quietly. "Can I change?" She avoided Santana's eyes. " My clothes."
Santana nodded slightly with a heavy heart and looked at her sister. Was she giving up? She pushed aside her own devastation about it, pausing for a brief moment thinking of Quinn, burying her mother later in the afternoon. She looked briefly at Rachel. She couldn't bury Rachel. She wouldn't. she looked ather. She needed her to understand that. She gave Rachel a soft smile. "Yeah," she whispered. "Lets get you changed."
Santana helped Rachel clean up and helped her pull on Santana's hoodie that was hanging on the back of the door. She pulled up the hood and tugged the strings gently so that Rachel's face was poking out .
"There," she smiled. "Good as new." She was sitting on the closed toilet seat lid. She pulled Rachel into her arms and rested her chin on the top of her head. "I love you a lot, you know."
Rachel nodded. "I know," she said quietly leaning into her. "I love you, too." She looked at Nana who finished rinsing out her clothes at the sink.
"I'll pop them in the wash next," she smiled. "No, big deal."
Rachel lowered her head. It was still a big deal if they were still talking about it. She frowned up at Santana. "I didn't mean to mess up your bed. I promise I'll try not to..."
"It's alright, Rachel," she muttered. "Don't worry about it. I mean maybe I can get a new mattress. In the least we're sleeping in your room tonight."
Rachel gave a small smile. Santana kissed her softly. "You can talk to me about stuff. Kay?"
"I know," Rachel said quietly.
"Why don't we go down stairs and watch a movie and snuggle with Q and Brit until Mom gets home," she smiled.
Rachel nodded. "Kay."
.…
Shelby sat in the front as they drove to the dealer, Robbie's Motor Mall. It was the only dealer in Lima according to Bear. It was a family owned business that took over and bought out all of the small dealers. The business was owned and operated by Bear's high school buddy and his three brothers. There was no where else to buy a car in Lima, besides the internet. Gus drove them in Shelby's Range Rover. She insisted that they not draw attention with a police cruiser.
She turned in her seat and faced her son and father. "Noah, just because we're looking does not mean that we're going to buy anything today." Her father opened his mouth but she cut him off. "Actually, I'm here so you don't purchase anything. I guarantee you we are not buying anything."
"Shelby," Michael began.
"My son," she said shortly, glaring at her father. "No car today."
"Why are we even looking?" Noah asked.
"Do you want a car or not?" Shelby asked. She took a deep breath. "Sorry. We're looking because I'm not buying you a two seater. You're getting a practical and safe car-"
"Because of what happened?" he asked.
Shelby looked him in the eye. "Your car did not cause the accident. We're getting you a safe and practical car because I want this one to last you a long time."
He sighed. "I don't need a car, Mom." He thought for a moment. "I only need it to and from school. It's pretty much going to be San's and Quinn's. They should come and-"
Shelby turned to him. "You'll need a car at school, Noah." She searched his face.
"Yeah," he said as his eyes darted. "Yeah..."
"Plus," she said turning forward again. "Your sisters won't be driving anytime soon." She turned and looked at him over her shoulder. "You have been very good lately. Too quiet, but good. I really would like you to go and talk with someone."
"Why?" he asked with a frown. "Nothing is happening to me."
He ignored their gaze and turned to look out the window.
"Noah," she started.
"Mom, I'm fine," he said quickly.
"There's a special group, Noah that you can go to," Michael began.
"I'm not going away again," he snapped.
"I'm not sending you away, Noah," Shelby said. She looked at him. She knew now that sending him away for the four weeks after the incident with in junior high was the wrong decision. He was still the same boy when he came back, but he just wasn't as angry. She looked at him. "We're not sending you away," she repeated. She looked at him carefully. "We just know that you're affected by this too and Dr. Jacobs would be able to talk with you about it."
He shook his head. "I don't want to talk to her. I have nothing to say."
"I doubt that," Shelby said as they stopped at a stop sign.
She heard her phone ringing in her purse. she took it out, bracing herself. It was the home phone.
"Hello?"
"Hey." It was Joey. "First of all, everyone's fine."
"Kay," Shelby said with a sigh. "What happened?"
"I just want to know the girls' doctor's name. Where are the pills? I would have looked on the bottles. But you still have this house childproofed like these kids are infants," Joey scoffed trailing off.
"Why do you need their doctor? What happened?"
Noah leaned forward and listened to his mother. He looked at Gus. "Turn around."
Gus looked at Shelby. Noah frowned deeper. "Don't look at her. Turn around."
"Noah!" Shelby said scolding the boy. "Respect, please." She turned back to her conversation on the phone. "What happened?" Shelby frowned as she listened to the other end of the conversation. "Night terrors? From the medicine?"
Michael leaned forward. "What are they taking?"
"I don't know," Shelby said with a shake of her head, but finally remembered.
Michael frowned. "We need to call the doctor to get them switched. I haven't had any luck with that brand with kids. It seems to always have side effects. Doctors use it though because it's the one insurances recommend."
Noah frowned. "Mom, make him turn around." He shook his head. "Rachel might need the neb at least." He shrugged. "I saw Nana doing laundry has she been having accidents again? Did she throw up?" He looked at Michael. "Pop-Pop did she throw up?"
Shelby sighed knowing that she couldn't go to the dealership even if she wanted to. Noah wouldn't be there mentally. This was about spending time with him and he wanted to be home with the girls. The mother looked at Gus and nodded. "Turn around."
…..
She looked around and opened her eyes. She pushed herself up. She was laying on the pull out couch in the family room. What happened to Mary Poppins? They were watching the movie. She looked around with a frown.
"Mom?" Rachel called nervously.
Shelby emerged on the other side of the couch.
"Hey," she said with a smile. "How are you?"
"When did you get home?"
The mother chuckled and sat down next to Rachel. "A while ago," she smiled. "Your brother laid with you for a little while." she nodded at the other couch. "He's napping too."
Rachel smiled as he snored.
"He helped you take the neb," Shelby continued. She watched as Rachel looked outside. "It's just about dinner time. I was going to come wake you up."
"What if I don't sleep tonight?"
"You will," Shelby smiled. "I called Dr. Cami and she called in a new prescription for you and Quinn."
"Quinn won't take it," she said in a matter-of-fact voice.
"I will take care of it," she smiled. "You wanna talk to me for a couple minutes?"
Rachel frowned. "Shouldn't you talk to Quinn?"
"She's upstairs speaking to Santana," she said quietly. "Don't worry," she smiled. "Your aunt is across the hallway folding laundry. I'm going to make sure they don't escape." She sighed when Rachel looked down at her hands.
"Are you still mad at me?" she frowned.
Shelby sighed. "I'm not mad at you, sweetheart."
"You're upset though," Rachel paused. "I talked with Elyse," she started lowly. "If …. I... " She looked at her with an innocence that Shelby cherished about her. "I don't want to go to the trial... I don't... I don't want to … to try to be better..."
"Better?" Shelby asked wrapping her arms around her daughter.
She shook her head. "I don't want to be that person that everyone knows will never be okay... " She looked at her mom. "I just don't want to."
Shelby frowned and looked at her daughter for a moment before finally asking, "Then what do you want?"
"I want it to be over," she said without hesitation.
Shelby nodded. "Over how?"
She watched with a heavy heart as Rachel looked up at her with raw honesty in her eyes.
The mother released a shuddering breath and pulled Rachel closer. "I know that this is overwhelming, but I will be with you every step of the way." She paused. "Rachel, that might not feel like enough, but I need you to know that I need you to fight for you." She frowned. "I know you're scared and I'm sure with everything that has happened with Judy that it must feel very overwhelming and that's to be expected." She watched Rachel carefully. "It's not just that I don't want to lose you I can't."
Rachel chewed her lip. "But …. you'll be sad for only a little bit. Nanny Mary died and Brittany's still happy."
Shelby held back her tears and pulled Rachel close to her. "If …." She felt a shake in her voice so she paused until she regained her pace. "Rachel," she whispered as she rested her cheek on her daughter's temple. "I will never get over losing any of you. I will never be happy like I am now with you four in my life."
"I don't want him to get me, Mom," she whispered. "I don't want to go in the ground... I just know that I might...and … I …. I want you to know that I don't...that I'm …." she frowned as she thought about her words. "I'm not scared..." She shrugged. "Well, I am... just...I'll never be that girl..."
"What girl?" Shelby asked.
"The one in the videos," she said simple.
"What videos?" the mother asked willing her tears to go behind her eyes instead of in front of them.
"The ones that you always watch on your computer," Rachel said leaning back into her mother. "The ones with Daddy in it." She looked at her mom. "I just don't want you to be sad forever. I want you to know that I'll be okay if …. If I'm gone..."
"Rachel," Shelby said with her eyes shut.
"I know you don't want to hear this, but it's important to me," she said quietly bowing her head.
Shelby sighed. "Thank you for talking to me about this." SHe turned Rachel in her lap. "You need to fight for you, Rachel. You're letting what happened hold you back."
Rachel frowned and allowed her voice to quiver. "It is holding me back. I don't want them to win, Mumma. I don't... but I don't..." She looked at her. "I can't keep fighting anymore. I can't... I don't want to fight against him in court." she let out a tiny sob. "I can't..."
The mother frowned. "This is hard. You're right and we'll be with you every step of the way." She frowned trying to explain it to Rachel. "Rachel, how would you feel if Quinn said this. I know you are supporting Quinn."
"I'm going tomorrow at the burial," she smiled softly. "I'm going to hold her hand."
Shelby nodded. "Okay," she continued softly. "So let us hold yours. With you saying these things, it's like you're pushing us away."
"Oh," she whispered. "But I'm not."
"But it feels like you are," Shelby pushed quietly.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize, Rach," she said gently. "Fight for you."
Rachel leaned back into her mother. She frowned but nodded in silence.
….
Quinn opened her eyes in her bed and rolled over and Santana was laid next to her in her bed. She frowned trying to remember what happened. She nodded. Shelby came home. Brittany went home. They slept. Santana and Quinn didn't say anything but stared at the ceiling. Quinn figured that Santana needed to talk to her too, but sleep overtook her before she could say anything. This entire day had just been sleeping and still somehow the blonde was still tired.
As she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, she remembered. Judy Fabray was dead. She frowned and looked at the ceiling. She was dead, she repeated in her head.
"Hey."
She turned over and Santana was looking at her.
"You know I only let you sleep in here because Rachel put your bed out of commission and because I know that you can't sleep alone."
"That's not true," the brunette scoffeed.
"Whatever," Quinn replied.
"You're going tomorrow right?" Santana asked quietly. The blonde turned and looked at her. The brunette rolled her eyes. "Don't pretend you haven't considered not going."
Quinn let her face go blank. "She's dead, San," she whispered. "She's going to go in the ground tomorrow and …. I just can't get my head around it." She continued to look at the ceiling because she couldn't look at Santana. It wasn't possible. "...I … um... I've gone over things over and over in my head and... I tried to leave the house that night because it was …. it was the fifth time." She hurried on quietly. "She knew... She caught me leaving and she was so mad at me …. She was mad at me because he chose me...she knew that he chose me five times..." She looked at Santana tearfully. "Your aunt was her friend... How …. How was she a person that Joey respected and cared for and then turn into a person that she was?"
"I don't know," she muttered. She reached out and took Quinn's hand.
The girls continued to look at the ceiling.
"I think about a lot of things that happened and think of all the pieces and the opportunities that I missed," Santana said quietly. "I can't...I don't know what your relationship with your mother is. She was your mother for sixteen years." Santana shrugged and she chewed her lip. "When … when I went back to live with my mom... after …. everything... everyone told me it's okay to be mad at your dad. And I was. I always have been because he... he brought that bastard into our lives and ruined everything..."
She took a deep breath and looked at Quinn. "It's okay to love your mom, Quinn."
"I'm mad at her," Quinn whispered. "I've been mad at her for so long but she …. " She looked at Santana. "I don't feel anything. I don't want to go tomorrow, but at the same time I feel too much." She looked at Santana. "I've never known anyone who's died. I don't understand where she is. I don't understand where she went..." She shook her head at the ceiling as a single tear rolled down her cheek and onto the bed. "I never told her I loved her, but I did...but I hated her too. She knew what was happening and she never fought for me." She paused. "But we're putting her in the ground..."
Santana nodded. "She's not in the ground and she's not going there," she whispered. "It's just her body."
"I know," Quinn whispered back. "But if she is not going in the ground, where is she?"
Santana shrugged. "I don't know." She squeezed her hand. "I hope you go tomorrow."
"I will," Quinn muttered. "I would give anything not to but...I need to. I need to wrap my head around it." She looked at her hands. "None of this seems real sometimes." She looked at Santana. "You know?"
Santana stared back at her with pause. She thought about it. She would dream about it to distract her mind and ease her heart. She imagined a world with her father still in it. She examined the other girl's features. In that one moment, she realized that while she herself wished for her father to be alive, Quinn was trying her best to reconcile the absence of her sadness. It ached in a way that Santana was never able to share with anyone. Not even her siblings. However, as she searched Quinn's eyes, she realized that the ambiguity and inconsistency in Quinn's emotions rocked deeply. It wasn't easily explainable.
Santana gave her hand a squeeze.
"It never does seem real," she said. "It just … is."
Quinn nodded.
…..
The rest of the evening felt numb. Quinn didn't know where to begin or what to say. She wanted to stay at the house. She didn't want to see Frannie or Russell. She just wanted to be far away from all of it because that's how she felt.
The morning arrived like an unseen spy. Now, somehow she had managed to shower around her ugly cast and she was glaring at her catatonic self in the mirror. She examined her outfit in the mirror. Was this right? Should she change?
"You look fine," she heard someone say behind her.
She looked behind her and Shelby was looking at her.
"Thanks," she muttered. "Are we leaving?"
She nodded. "Yeah."
She nodded and followed her quietly down the stairs and out to the car. She felt a small hand in hers and didn't need to look to know who it was. She needed to focus. She paused for a moment as she looked over her shoulder and around her making sure the police were in sight. She held Rachel's hand tighter. She knew how much of a chance Rachel was taking by leaving the house; she knew how much she was risking.
They climbed into the back of the car and drove silently. At the fourth stop sign, it occurred to Quinn that her father might be there. She frowned more deeply at her absence of panic. She didn't feel anything.
"Quinn?" she looked up and Shelby was leaning into the car. "Ready?" Quinn stared back at her with hesitation. "You can wait here as long as you need."
"No," she whispered, still feeling Rachel's hand in hers. She looked over and she was still sitting next to her in the car. She looked at her and then back at Shelby. It was now or never. No amount of hiding in the car would change anything, Quinn told herself. Her mother was still going in the ground; her father was still in prison. That was it. Nothing more or nothing less. Quinn looked outside the window at the empty area around the open grass. No one was here. She spotted a car winding in. She recognized it as her mother's car, a silver Cadillac, winding down the road.
She frowned again but slowly got out of the car. Rachel's hand had welded itself into hers and she was alright with that. She felt the family and the police follow them into the cemetery and she stopped around the grave. She looked around. There was not even a priest. Nothing.
She looked at the casket and remembered her mother's words echoing through her after a night of anger and punishment.
"Where's God now?" she had spat.
It hit Quinn in that moment on the soft green grass that her mother hadn't been speaking to her like she assumed. She was actually cursing God for herself.
She looked over at Shelby. Santana and Noah stood silently next to her. Joey and Bear stood on the other side. She paused and watched Joey's face for a second and then turned when she heard someone approaching. She instinctively tightened her grip on Rachel's hand.
Frannie stood on the opposite side. Quinn barely recognized her. Her face was young and relaxed. She was drained. She paused because she hadn't seen Frannie like that in years.
"What do we do now?" Quinn asked.
"Um," Frannie muttered surprised Quinn was speaking to her. "I think we tell the man to press the button."
Quinn looked over and there was indeed a man standing there dressed in a loosely fit suit when it was clear he typically wore coveralls by the dirt marks still on his face.
"Mom didn't want God here, but she wanted the person who put her in the ground to look presentable," Frannie said quietly noticing Quinn's look.
Quinn nodded. "okay," she muttered. She looked at the casket. She hadn't felt a lot up until this moment but numbness. Now that she was there knowing that Judy Fabray, her mother for sixteen years was in the casket in front of her. She still didn't know what she felt, save a tiny hand squeezing hers and eyes on her. "I think I'm ready," she heard herself say. Suddenly she looked over at Joey. "Are you ready?" she asked.
Joey looked back her with surprise. "Yes," she nodded.
"Okay," Frannie nodded at the man and the casket began to disappear.
Quinn watched as the casket finally left her sight. she was relieved. She frowned. Was she? She took an inventory of what she was feeling. Still all she felt were the eyes and a hand in hers. That was it. She watched idly as the man in the suit with the smudges on his face began to throw dirt in unceremoniously. It was done.
She looked over at Santana and then at Shelby. "Okay," she muttered. She felt Rachel lean against her side.
Rachel looked up at Quinn and then back at the flying dirt and then back at Quinn. She had been looking around the cemetery waiting for the man of her nightmares to pop out, but now she was just focused on Quinn's blank face and the flying dirt. She looked over at Joey who was trying her best to wipe her tears before they escaped her eyes. Rachel frowned and watched Frannie scowl at the casket as if it said something mean. Rachel leaned into Quinn, waiting for her to say something. However, all she said was "Okay."
She looked back over at the other blonde girl, but she was gone. She was walking away. Rachel looked back up at Quinn. What next? She wanted to know. Quinn was watching Frannie leave in silence with the same look on her face but with deeper question in her eyes. Rachel looked over at Santana in confusion at Quinn's relationship with Frannie. Santana gave her a soft smile. Rachel nodded and looked back at the hole in the ground. She leaned closer into Quinn, suddenly remembering how out in the open they were.
"Can we go?" Quinn suddenly asked.
Shelby nodded to Santana in a way that only years of parenting could allow her to do. Quinn watched as the brunette gave her a nod and led Rachel away. Shelby took Rachel's place next to Quinn as the girl realized that the family was giving her time next to the casket of the woman she didn't know.
"Take as long as you need," Shelby whispered.
Quinn stared at the man in the loosely fitting suit and nodded as she watched the dirt fly. "I have," she muttered. "I'm ready."
"Are you sure?" Shelby asked.
Quinn looked at her. "Yeah," she nodded. "Mom, let's just go home."
Shelby watched as Quinn's face fell instantly and she opened her mouth to explain herself but nothing came out. The mother wrapped her in a hug trying to grab the moment that the blonde girl allowed her guard to fall.
Quinn felt herself being hugged but she didn't hug back. She tilted her head and looked at hole in the ground and couldn't remember the last time she had called the woman in the box 'Mom.' She reached her arms up and hugged Shelby back, knowing that the woman in the box wasn't her mother; she was just the person who gave birth to her.
"Can we go?" Quinn muttered still in the hug.
Shelby took her hand as she pulled away. "Absolutely."
The mother allowed a slight smile creep onto her lips as they walked back as Quinn squeezed her hand back.
…...
They returned to the house practically in silence. Shelby watched Quinn from the kitchen. The blond girl had been silent and clearly in her head. Rachel had tried unsuccessfully to conceal her anxiety of being out of the house and was now unsuccessfully clinging. She watched with a slightly amused sigh as her eleven year old followed Quinn around the family room as the older girl looked for the remote.
"Rachel, will you at least pretend to help me?" Quinn asked with a frown.
Rachel nodded and proceeded to look in the areas where Quinn had already looked.
Santana entered the room, changed out of her clothes. She frowned. "Rach, what are you doing?"
Rachel frowned and continued to look under the same cushion on the couch that Quinn just set down.
"Nothing," she whispered.
Quinn looked over at her with a tiny smile. "She's straightening up behind me," the blond said as if it was obvious.
Santana smiled and kissed Rachel softly on the head as she walked into the attached kitchen. "Alright," she muttered.
Shelby felt her eldest daughter's eyes on her. She looked at her with a smile. "They're doing okay I think."
The mother sighed. Why did her elder children act like idiotic teens one moment and her co-parent in another?
"They are," Shelby nodded as she watched her own mother enter the room with groceries. "Mom, I can afford to go grocery shopping myself."
"It's not that I don't think you can afford it," Helen clarified as she began to load the refrigerator. "It's that you don't have the time right now."
Noah walked into the kitchen from the back stairs. "What did you bring?"
Helen swatted his hand away. "Not yet," she frowned. "Out."
Shelby continued to watch in amusement as Rachel wondered close behind Quinn. She shook her head.
"Quinn, come here for a second," Shelby called as she pretended to busy herself at the kitchen sink.
The blond sighed and tiredly rolled in. She couldn't read her. Rachel followed close behind.
"Bug, can you please continue looking for the remote?" Shelby asked.
"I'll help you," Santana offered.
Rachel looked at Quinn, then back to Santana and her mother with a deep set frown. "Okay," she muttered as Santana led her into the living room.
"I was thinking," Shelby began slowly. "If you would like to get out of the house, you can come with us to the car dealership,"
"What?" Noah asked before Quinn could respond. "Mom, I told you we don't need to go, especially today..." He trailed off, realizing his lack of subtlety. He sighed and shook his head. "Sorry, Quinn."
The blonde shook her head. "It's fine," she shrugged. "I'm grounded," she said quietly as her fingers traced her cast. "I didn't think I could go."
"I think we can think about it, make an exception," she said as she continued to pretend that it wasn't that big of a deal and it wasn't because her mother was buried less than a few hours ago.
Shelby looked up and felt as if Quinn saw right through her poor attempt to allow her a small escape. Then it hit her. She felt like an idiot. Will was out there. Did she truly just forget that? The girls were terrified Of course, they're terrified. She was terrified. She just saw a woman she knew from childhood, the birth mother of her daughter, get put into the ground. She didn't want to to have to do that again. Rachel was following Quinn around the house. Where was her head? What was wrong with her? Should she even be taking Noah? The police are going she reminded herself. Where was her head? Where was her focus? She sighed.
"Think about it," Shelby said attempting to move on. She needed to push through. She met the girl's eyes. "I just thought I'd offer you an opportunity to get away." A look of realization washed over the girl's face. Shelby nodded. "Okay. We're leaving in a few minutes."
"Mom-" Noah said with a frown and confused eyes.
Shelby looked at her son. She sighed. She had been telling them that they couldn't let Will Schuester ruin everything. They couldn't stop their lives. She looked over at Quinn. She had a feeling that Quinn didn't want to nor could she sit in the house with nothing to do but think. She sighed and looked at Noah.
"We're going," she said blankly.
Quinn wandered back into the living room and curled into the armchair. She found an object in the room and tried her best to focus on it. Lamp shade, she thought, you are so strange. She needed something. She needed anything but this. She took a deep breath as she closed her eyes at the thought of going to the dealership on the same day that she buried the woman who gave birth to her... She trailed off. She called Shelby her mother earlier today... She trailed off again. Lamp shade. Focus on the lamp shade. She opened her eyes when she felt Rachel leaning against her side. She loved Rachel; she did. However, maybe brand new cars will offer a greater escape than lamp shades and a strangely extra clingy eleven year old girl.
She sighed again and closed her eyes. She would get up in a few minutes and tell Shelby she would go. She was going to just lay here for a moment and look at the back of her eyelids. She frowned. Stupid, lampshade.
Shelby called Noah that she was ready and snuck into the living room. She heard soft snoring. All three girls' were out, the chaos of their heads and the conflict of their hearts forced them to lose their battle to exhaustion. She lay a blanket on top of them. Helen looked on from the living room. Gus poked his head into the kitchen and let Shelby know that he would wait outside.
She grabbed her purse and paused by her mother. "Call me if anything happens. I want to know about any night terrors."
Helen gave a reassuring nod and Shelby headed out the door.
…..
They pulled into the parking lot of the dealership. They climbed out of the car and began to walk around the Nissan lot.
"We're starting here?" Michael asked.
Shelby waved her hand. "Yes, we are," she declared. She walked toward the dealership entrance as Noah, Michael and Gus mingled around the cars. "Hello!" she called out to the young salesman. "Hi, I would like to look at cars for my son."
"Yes, ma'am," the young man said. "I can help you. My name is Sean Jansen."
She nodded and looked at her phone wondering if she would get a text about any issues. "Yes," she muttered. "Shelby Corcoran."
"Oh, really? Do you want to join the gentleman inside?"
Shelby set down her phone. "What?" She shook her head. "What are you talking about?"
"Honey, I'm going to see if Hal is in," Michael said patting her shoulder. "I think he's still the manager here. He might be able to get us a deal." He gave a tight smile to the young man. "Not that you're doing a poor job, son." He patted his shoulder and walked in.
Michael walked in obliviously not noticing a curly hand man watching out the windows of the cubicle.
"What were you saying?" Shelby asked turning back to the boy.
"There's a man inside buying a car for a Rachel Corcoran. Are you related?"
Shelby froze. She dropped her phone.
Michael walked through the showroom with his hands deep in his pockets. He had lived in the area for over forty years. It was their home. Lima was supposed to be an escape from the stress of commuting elsewhere. It was home. He hopped long ago that it would help Shelby find a home and an escape from everything that happened in New York. He sighed. It hadn't.
He spotted his friend. "Marcus here?" he asked someone coming out to greet him.
"He's a bit tied up. Can I help you?" another salesman asked.
Michael frowned and watched as he soaked in the atmosphere. It was chaos. There were men on the phone. There were salesmen at the doors.
"Sir, I would recommend that you leave," the salesman said looking around.
Michael frowned. What was happening? Finally, he spotted Marcus as his old friend came into his line of sight.
"Michael!" The man said. "You need to leave. Where's your family?"
"Outside," he said quietly.
He nodded. "Okay. Go out there calmly and leave."
"What's going on?" Michael asked.
"Trust me," Marcus replied. "The police are on their way. I will call you later."
Michael frowned and searched his friend's eyes. "Okay." he nodded. "Okay." He started toward the door and froze when he heard a voice ring out.
"I will come back later!"
Michael turned and watched as a curly haired man start towards the exit doors of the store room as Marcus chased after him.
…..
Shelby frowned and looked at the man in front of her. "Tell me everything you know, now!" She looked over her shoulder. "Noah!" She waved down Gus. "Find my son!"
"There's a man inside that's buying a car for his girlfriend," The car dealer said slowly. Her eyes bulged as she managed to pick up her miraculously unbroken phone. She frowned and looked around frantically. She spotted Gus walking up and down the aisles of cars looking for her boy.
"Hello?" Joey asked from the other end.
"Is Rachel there?" Shelby asked frantically.
"No, we sent her to the store for a beer run," she scoffed.
"Joey!" Shelby said with frustration on the verge of tears.
"Yes, she's here. She's sound asleep with Quinn and San still.….." She paused. "What's going on?"
Shelby frowned. "I'll call you back," she hissed. "Do not take your eyes off of the kids." she hung up heavily.
"Where the hell is my son!" she screamed looking around. "Noah!"
"What?" she heard her son groan. She turned and Noah was walking toward her. "I'm coming. Are we done already? We just got here."
She looked around and at Gus. "Where is my father? We need to get out of here." she leaned in. "I think he's inside."
Gus nodded while on his phone. "Get in the car." He waved Noah over. "Come on, Noah! We're leaving."
Noah frowned still about thirty yards away. "Just because you like my mom doesn't mean you can tell me what to do!" he said with frustration. Shelby shot him a look. He shrugged. "Rachel told me."
"I don't care," she frowned. "Let's go!"
Noah looked around as he heard police sirens. They pulled in. He looked back at the dealership with a frown. "What's happening?" he called to his mom. "Ma! What's going on?"
"Noah!" she shouted. "Just come here! I'll explain it to you."
He frowned and watched as the cruisers came into the parking lot. He started toward his mother but paused. There he was. Will Schuester was leaving out the back of the show room.
He should have listen to his mother. He should have listened to her. However he couldn't hear her. He was too focused. He was too focused on his face. He sprinted toward him and tackled him from behind. His adrenaline was pumping too hard in his head for him to focus. Punches were flying. However, somehow he lost his focus somehow the tables were turned and he felt a blow to the face. and his arm twist behind his back. Somehow he was caught with his arm around his back and a knife to his throat.
He heard his mother let out a scream. Fuck, he couldn't let his mother down. He couldn't do this. He couldn't leave them. He couldn't. The bastard was screaming in his ear about something but he couldn't concentrate. he felt the knife deep at the edge of his throat. He tried to get out of his arms the knife scratched deeper. God damn!
He breathed heavily. He needed to get out of here.
"Noah," he heard a whisper in his ear. "Noah?"
He was barely focused on the voices. All he could see was his mother's panic and horror. He couldn't do this to her. He couldn't do this. He focused on the psycho's words. He was trying to negotiate a way out.
"Him or Rachel!"
Noah's ears felt as if they were just opening up. He struggled again and could feel the knick in his neck get deeper. He could hear his mother's sob panic and horror. He spotted her. He couldn't do this to her. He forced himself to concentrate on what was going on.
"Bring me Rachel and I won't kill him," he screamed.
…... Sorry for the cliff hanger... I truly am. I really hope you're not too pissed and or disappointed...