Chapter 53
Lexie-Rae – Again, please do NOT apologize for being tardy in a review. Your reviews are of epic length. There is no such thing as a late review. a review is a review. :) They are so detailed and I am overwhelmed with the details that you put into them. I cant possibly thank you enough for the reviews. They mean more to me than I can say. Thank you so so much.
maricafa – Glad you found my story. Thank you so much for your kind words. It really means a lot to me. This story isn't over by any means but I am also planning to do a sequel as well. They do get better but they have ups and downs, highs and lows, just like everyone does in life. Hopefully I show that if you are surrounded by the right people you can still find peace and happiness throughout life even though very bad things happen to you. Thank you for the review.
broadwaybound2016 – Poor Rachel – she will recognize that she needs to stop panicking without Santana there. Quinn is an excellent big sister and that is a big step for her because Quinn never really had a role model on what a big sister should be like. Thanks for the review.
Cookie07 – No you are not nuts – some people like the long chapters – some the not so long chapters. I am just glad you enjoy the story. The reason they didn't try harder is because Santana hid it very well and it only really started to crumple and become obvious when Quinn moved it. Would it have come out later in life? Probably, but now that it is out – the adults and everyone will rally around her and get her the therapy she needs. Thanks for the review.
NinjaGleek21 – Thank you for reviewing. I cant believe it has been a year myself – Will will have his time in court and if you don't like him now – wait until the trial – you will want to put him on that island yourself.
Lolathe17th – I can't believe it's a year either – my betas and I are amazed. I do really really want to continue Changes – it is very near and dear to me however right now I want to focus on Open and they are different from each other and it is hard going back and forth between the stories. But I will finish it – I can promise that I just do not know when. Joey will fill Shelby in on Santana – it is extremely beneficial to the kids that the adults communicate everything. Thanks for the review.
A C one – Quinn is going through with the tattoo. Does anyone else get one too – you will see. Thanks for the review.
justanotherreaderr – I am glad you enjoyed this chapter. There is always more angst coming so I am glad you found this chapter on the lighter side. Thanks for the review.
Kimberlli – Yup still lots to come for this family. I am glad you are still along for the ride. Noah will be a great cop – criminals will not stand a chance against him. Will's trial will be a challenge for the whole family. Thanks for reviewing.
Renata – Thank you my faithful Brazilian reviewer! Reading is a lost art now because so many people never take the time to read books anymore – or have the time. I know it is a challenge for my beta to make time to read with her 8 year old. But it is so important so I commend you for reading at least 3 a month. Thank you for saying such kind words regarding my writing. I am humbled. You are right about Rachel and Quinn because neither knows what they are feeling – they are both lost and Santana is lost as well although this chapter she made a tiny bit of progress by announcing she is lost. I promise you if I ever get published you will know my real name and I will forever thank my fanfic readers for their unending support.
OTHangels – Thank you – Joey is the blunt person that everyone needs in their life and she is there for these girls every step of the way.
Scout88 – One of my betas is the same way as Quinn in the morning. Don't ever wake her up before the sun if you know what is good for you – so she constantly reminds me of the mood Quinn would be in. Santana will find a happy medium she just has to learn to talk it out and stop putting everyone first before herself – once she learns that it will be easier for her. It was supposed to be funny what Noah said about San – You will see more about Leroy and Shelby's relationship in this chapter it is very special and unfortunately unique because most exes don't get along this well. The trial will be brutal for everyone involved but especially for Rachel and Quinn. Quinn's head is all over the place as would any 16 year olds that just lost her original family permanently no matter how brutal. Will Shelby find out ? What do you think? Its ok that you did not start reading this a year ago I am blessed to have you reading it now. Thank you so much.
Fangirl44 – They are all brave you are correct. Sometimes though they have to see it themselves. Thanks for the review.
alopez208 – Sorry I made you cry. I am glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the review.
thelastcenturian –Thank you so much. You humble me.
lovecanbesostrange – You hit the nail on the head. They had moved on but they hadn't healed. It was all on the surface. Having Noah go to Leroy's grave was important. It will eventually get better for these kids but only once they accept what happened fully and move on – not cover it up. You are also right puberty is right around the corner for Rachel and it will be very tough. Thank God there are some women in her life that will help her through it. Quinn is a teenager so her thinking may be a little skewed but she means well. She is struggling. She will continue to struggle but that is the only way to learn. Thank you so much for your detailed review. It is so appreciated.
look4me – Quinn is one of my betas favorites but I love her too. But you will see the Corcoran's reactions to the tattoo. It may not be what she was expecting. Thanks for the review.
dolphinluver46 – Well you will find out in this chapter whether she gets it or not. Thanks for the review.
A/N: Again I'm so so so sorry for the wait. Something unexpected came up and the work schedule got into the way. I apologize. However, now I hope to have a more consistent update schedule. I apologize again for such a long wait. Again for those who have been following this story, please be cautious of trigger warnings. Thank you!
Santana looked at the door behind her.
"Santana?"
She looked up with a shake of her head. "What?"
Elyse sighed and looked at her, sitting in the chair directly across from her. "Santana are you here?"
She frowned. "No," she said honestly looking over her shoulder again. "Do you think that we can do this... like super fast?" The older woman looked at her with a confused look. She shrugged and looked at the door. "Listen, Rachel might need me to sit with her. My aunt says she can handle it but she can barely handle her damn dog. Rachel needs her medicine and -"
"Santana," the woman said gently.
"What?" she bit, but looked back over her shoulder when she heard a soft sob from Rachel and her aunt coaxing her up the stairs. "She is having a really hard time with my mom being away and Noah and …." Santana looked at her with a frown. "I just need to make this quick okay?"
"I think that Rachel's fine," she said softly. "You have to be here for you and focus on you." She watched the girl visibly swallow. "You have to stop looking over your shoulder. This is your time."
"You don't know her like I know her. You see her once a week or something..." Santana frowned. "She's never out of my sight more than once a day." The sobs disappeared and Santana finally relaxed. Rachel must be settled...The sixteen year old licked her lips and leaned back in the chair. "I don't know what you want me to say."
"I don't have anything that I want you to say," she said with a soft smile. "Have you tried writing down your feelings?"
Santana frowned. "Have you met my mother? Her form of punishment is talking about our feelings. AND THEN writing an essay about them. She sighed and squeezed her eyes shut. "I know I'm here because of what happened with Noah... I just... And... I just... I don't know where to begin..." She scoffed. "Plus, I don't know you."
"That's true," Elyse said.
"I just need you to tell me …. how to control this..." Santana looked at the ground. "I've always felt out of control... but never like this... not …. like this..." Elyse nodded. Santana frowned and asked something she rarely talked to anyone about. "What do you know about dreams?"
"I don't study dreams specifically, but I know they typically are our insecurities trying to tell us something or our brains trying to work something out." The woman shrugged. "Or sometimes they're just dreams. Do you want to tell me about yours?"
"Not really," Santana said with a shake of her head. A silence fell over them. Santana chewed her lip. "I don't know how to … how to stop imagining what my life would be like if this didn't happen... What Rachel would be like..." She frowned. "I don't know how to … move on... I don't even know what that looks like."
Elyse gave a nod. "I would love to talk about that, but I would suggest the first step that you can take is being an hour away from Rachel. Letting yourself be here one hundred percent."
She frowned. "You don't know what it's like."
"You're right, I don't know what it's like to be you," she said agreeably. "Can I take a guess?" Santana frowned and tilted her head. Scowling at the woman, challenging her. "I think you blame yourself for not being there," Elyse said carefully.
Santana frowned. "Where have you been? Have you read my file?" She shook her head with disgust.
"But I don't think that you've been able to move on from that," she said knowingly.
"I've said it plenty of times in therapy, but that won't change the past," she hissed. "You can't eliminate guilt."
"You can try," Elyse said.
"Don't tell me this crap about forgiving myself and whatever," she said folding her arms tightly over her chest.
"Santana, what happened wasn't your fault," she said carefully.
"You don't know crap," Santana hissed.
"I'm serious," she said with a sincerity. "You were seven years old, Santana."
"But I was old enough to know," she spat back. "I was old enough to understand," she replied with even more hiss.
"Santana, what happened was not your fault," she said again.
"It was," she said. "Just shut up. You making me say it won't make it not be my fault." She squeezed her eyes shut. "I'll always live for the fact that I wasn't there. Every time I wasn't there. So... I'm not asking you to fix that, I'm asking you how to …. How I can move on with my guilt... How Rachel can live her life without having me messing it up..."
"Well, it starts by being honest with her and with yourself," she said gently. "This is going to be a hard process that we all have to work through, but to get Rachel better and to be there for her, you need to be there for yourself first and blaming yourself for this is not going to help anyone. It is not your fault and the sooner we work through that the sooner everything will start to get better."
Santana looked at her. "My guilt isn't that big of a deal... It's like an ear... or an arm. It's just a limb that I was born with..." She shrugged nonchalantly. "I just don't want that for Rachel. I know that in order for us to move on we need to... Move on."
"If your guilt is natural, do you think Rachel sees your guilt?"
Santana looked at her with a frown. "What?"
"You told me that she was observant and you're telling me that this is a natural thing... so... If those things were true, wouldn't she see it?" Elyse challenged.
"She knows that I would have given anything to be there for her," she said defensively. "She needed me and I wasn't there... So... yeah, she knows that."
"You don't think that she might feel badly about that?"
Santana glared at her. "What are you talking about? She doesn't have any reason to feel bad!"
"But you feel bad and if she looks at you and loves you the way that I think she does," Elyse said carefully and continued. "She would feel terrible about that."
Santana felt a pang in her chest. "What do you expect me to say to that? You don't know me or my family. We feel guilty for what happened and what continues to happen and -"
"And it's not helping," Elyse said.
"It's not about helping!" Santana said throwing up her hands. "My guilt just is! It just exists! I don't expect you to fix it!" She stood up in frustration. "Are you even listening to me?"
"Yes, I am," Elyse challenged.
"You know what? You don't know anything! All you and Rachel and Quinn do is play games in here. I don't want my sisters seeing you," she said with a frown.
"Be mad at me," Elyse said. "Scream at me. Yell. I don't care. You can't be there 100% for them … for anyone... if you keep putting yourself last. It'll catch up with you."
"You know NOTHING about me! NOTHING!" She waved her arms. "You read my file and all that crap but you don't know me. You don't know what she went through."
"You mean what you went through?" Else said softly.
What?" she asked with a stutter.
"You said 'she'..." Elyse said. "We were talking about you."
"You don't know me! I process things! I …. I do thinking in MY OWN time!" she yelled.
"That might be true," she said. "Did it help?'
"What?" she spat.
"Did it help to do things in your own time?" Santana frowned and then hated herself as she felt her eyes begin to water and a pressure in her throat.
She wasn't going to cry in front of this damn cunt! She felt the intensity in her mind suddenly come to an abrupt halt. Never in her life had she thought that word. Never in her life had she called someone that on purpose. She used it once at the shelter and the nice lady who took care of Rachel told her it wasn't okay. Santana admitted that that was what Hiram always called her. She froze and looked at her hands. Hiram had called her that all the time.
She wiped her tears frantically remembering where she was. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I called you that."
"You didn't call me anything," Elyse said. "I'm just... I'm glad you're upset. It means you're being honest. Can I ask what you think you called me?"
Santana scoffed. "You can ask but I won't tell you." She shook her head. "My mom would kill me." She bit her top lip. "Hiram used to call me it all the time..." she said barely above a whisper.
Elyse nodded. "Okay." Santana remained silent and looked at the ground. "What is it?" the woman asked.
Santana looked at her in shock. "I don't remember the last time I said his name out loud."
"Thank you for saying it," she said simply.
"Can I... can I meet with you more..." Santana said darting her eyes as if the words weren't coming out of her mouth.
Elyse nodded, surprised. "I would like that. I'll talk to your mom, but you should talk to her, too."
Santana nodded. "Okay." She looked down at her hands, knowing that she had had this conversation in her head and with her aunt... maybe even with her mother and Brittany. That's how her entire life had felt: like it was on repeat. It wasn't just a deja vu. It was the same conversations; the same feelings; the same kick in the ass. She was stuck and this was all she knew how to do. She was so baffled by the anxiety of the situation that she didn't realize she had overcome a fear. She had taken a step over a boundary that she had always had but never knew how to cope with: The prison of her mind that fed the darkness of her heart. She felt like she was going in circles, having the same conversation, the same struggle.
"Santana?"
"What?" she asked with a slight tremble.
"You did good today," she smiled.
Santana rolled her eyes. "I did nothing. I've had this conversation a million times. I'm not doing anything right."
"You admitted that you wanted help, Santana," she said. "Which I think is the first time that you genuinely wanted it."
"I just don't want to be more stuck," she said softly.
…..
Quinn gritted her teeth. and looked down at her hip.
"Is it done?" she asked.
Dylan looked at her. "Yeah, almost. Why? Are you wanting to take it back?" She laughed. "Because I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news but... it's too late for that."
"As long as you did what I want," she said with a frown.
"We've been done for a bit," she said with a frown. "Or did you not feel the needle gun pen in your side?"
"I just really need to work on the work I was supposed to be doing while I was here," Quinn said with a worried glance at the door.
"Hold your horses, barbie," Dylan's sister said. "We need to wrap this up so it doesn't get infected."
"What?" She looked at them with a frown.
"Did you think that putting ink with a needle into your skin would be completely infection free?" Dylan asked as her sister began to wrap up Quinn's wound.
"There. Done," she said with a shrug. "Your mom is 100% with this?" She held up the piece of paper with Shelby's forged signature on it.
"Yeah," Quinn said. "Thanks for accepting that permission slip. It's just my mom and brother are going through some stuff."
She nodded. "No problem."
"Okay, I need to print out a report on Germany's role in World War one," she said quietly to Dylan.
"Just say that it's an oral assignment and that we made a poster and left it here," she replied. "Don't stress out. You're so distracted you didn't even look at it."
Quinn sighed and looked down at the tattoo right before, Dylan's sister covered it in plastic. It was the lamb she had drawn with the date she moved in with the Corcorans.
"What's the date mean?" Dylan asked.
Quinn shrugged quietly. "Just... just a day that was important that didn't seem that important at the time. I want to make sure I never forget it."
"You're gonna need a better story than that for when people ask you in the future," Dylan's sister laughed as she cleaned off her tools.
"Well, that' all I'm willing to share," she said with a bite.
The older girl laughed. "I like you, Quinn. You have spunk."
"Thanks," she said with a frown. "It's just something personal to me that's all."
"Dude, I don't care," the older girl laughed. "I was just pressing your buttons.
She nodded. "Okay, cool."
….
Noah waved at his grandfather and Mike as they drove off in Mike's car. They had let Mike's parents know that his Pop-Pop was driving him home. Mike eagerly took the ride because his parents decided to leave the conference early and were meeting him at home. At least driving would buy him more time. Mike could hope for a flat tire.. or a tornado.. or some other natural disaster to spare him from his parent's wrath.
Noah hooked his thumbs in his backpack and turned to head into the airport with his mother. Shelby ushered him inside but paused for a moment as she saw someone out of the corner of her eye standing a few feet ahead of them. It made her do a double take, but as soon as she looked up the person had turned the other direction.
She frowned. It couldn't be her.
"Mom?"
She turned and looked at her son."Yeah?"
"Is that Aunt Kate?"
Shelby just watched the figure leave in a hurry.
"Aunt Kate! Kate! Kate Corcoran!" Noah yelled out ready to drop his bag.
The woman was now half way down the sidewalk, almost out of sight. She turned her head to the side and made eye contact with Shelby before walking briskly away. Noah was about go after her.
"Why is she walking away?" he asked.
As if on queue, Shelby's phone buzzed. A new text message.
She looked at her phone.
She read it silently to herself. "I'm sorry. I can't. - Kate"
Shelby looked at her son with a small smile, trying her absolute best to keep her composure. "Let's head inside okay?"
"Why does she always do that?" Noah asked after twenty minutes of silence through security. "She just... she just ignores us..."
"Noah, it's hard for her," she said with a deep sigh as they walked and approached their gate.
"Well, it's hard for me too," he frowned.
"I know it is, but Kate... She knows it more than anyone... She can't handle it... There are a lot of people that sometimes just can't handle it," Shelby said softly.
"Don't you hate her for it?" Noah asked. "I just... Did you know that Santana sends her an email every holiday? Asking how she is. Did you know that? San just wants to be close to her. She's the only part we have left of him."
"I know," Shelby said. "Kate, sends you guys cards on your birthdays and money on Christmas and -"
"San doesn't care about that. I don't care about that... I mean... I cared about the car... but not like that." He shrugged. "She's not like Aunt Joey, who's in your face all the time. You know?" He laughed. "All the time. She picks us up from school and stuff. And always comes to games and Rach's recitals... Just like you always had us go to Dex and Griff's games. We hated going but you told us that family supported family. Aunt Joey complains everytime it rains or snows during a game, but she's always there." He shook his head. "The mustang doesn't mean much anymore... You know? Rachel doesn't even know her. She's just a card to Rach... She doesn't know her... She's the closest thing that we have to him and she sees us at the airport and runs the other way..." He chuckled at the irony and then added with a frown. "I don't want people to run out on them."
She gave a weak smile. "Noah," she said softly resting her hand on his shoulder.
"No, Ma," he said with a frown. "I remember what happened that day. I remember that day when we all finally came back to live with you. I remember that almost everyone was there. Nana, Pop-Pop, Joey, Bear, Griff, Dex, and Kate. But Grandpa and Grandma didn't even come..." He frowned as he refocused on his thoughts. "And then...Aunt Kate, she looked at us... and then just left..."
"Noah, that's not what happened," Shelby said softly.
He frowned, remembering. He looked up at his mother. "She held Rachel and Rachel freaked out," he said, half question, half statement.
Shelby nodded slowly. "Yeah," she said quietly. "Rachel just... Yeah... and then San,... " Shelby shook her head slightly. "I know that it was really hard for you guys to come back... but... Regaining trust that we had built with the three of you... your whole lives... That process, Noah. It broke my heart."
Noah searched his mother's eyes. "Because we didn't trust you, Ma, you gotta understand that we didn't mean to hurt you .. It just... Living with him was really hard."
"I understand," she said honestly with teary eyes. "Living without you three was really hard too. Santana mistrusted me... Rachel flinched when I touched her and you-"
He looked at her with a frown. "I didn't look at you." He remembered so clearly not being able to look his mother in the eye. "I just... I just couldn't... I wasn't mad, Ma... I just... it was real when I looked at you... We had good visits though... before we moved in... Remember?"
She nodded quietly with tears still in her eyes. "Yeah, I do."
He frowned. "It was just living in the house was hard," he stated knowing that he spoke for both of them. "It was. We all felt like it was going to be taken away again."
Shelby gave a nod, hating that she was crying in front of her son.
"Ma, please don't be sad," he said quietly putting his hand on hers. "We're okay. We're... We're okay...I was just mad that Kate walked away from us. I won't do that. I would never do that to San or Quinn or Rach...or their future kids," he said quietly. He frowned. "They should not have babies soon." He shook his head at the random thought then looked back at his mother. "I won't ever do that," he repeated again. "I know you never would either."
She looked at him kissing him lightly on the forehead and pulling him into a hug. "I never will, Noah."
"I know it's hard for you, Ma," he said into her neck. "I know you miss him too."
"I do. Everyday, buddy," she whispered with a shaky voice. "But I am so grateful that I get to hold the three of you... Now the four of you with Q-bear. I wouldn't trade it for the world."
"I just don't understand how she can walk away," he said barely above a whisper. "She hides behind those stupid cards... and even with those she only signs her name. She never even tries, Ma... Why doesn't she try?" he asked tearfully. "I feel like I'm nothing … like a huge joke... a failure... and having people give up on me …. Having a piece of him give up on me... that hurts."
Shelby pulled away and leaned down looking at her son with clear love and determination. "Noah, you are not nothing. You are not a joke and you are most definitely not a failure. She walks away … She walks away from you guys because she knows she's not strong enough." She searched her son's eyes hoping he would hear. "She walked away because it was too hard for you." Shelby laughed an ironic laugh. "She cried when you moved. She didn't just cry when Rachel cried. She cried when Santana threw something. She yelled when you laughed. She wasn't strong enough, Noah. She felt in the way and I think... in a lot of ways she was. She couldn't deal with what she was feeling and she wasn't my priority."
"You walked away from her?" Noah said.
"It's not that simple," she said. "We still talk we just... It's hard to be around her and it's hard for her to be around us."
"Rachel should know her... know him through her," Noah said quietly.
"We should talk about him more often," Shelby said leaning back.
"San, looks like a wounded puppy when we talk about him and then Rachel looks like that too because San does," he said with a huff. "It's a vicious triangle."
"Circle, sweetheart. Vicious circle."
Noah shrugged. "Why was she here?" he asked.
Shelby chuckled. "She might have been flying somewhere. We are in an airport."
He frowned and smiled. "I bet Sanny called her. She always does that sh-"
"Noah," Shelby warned.
"All the crap," he corrected.
"Not much better," she said with disapproval.
"I bet San asked her to come meet us," he said. "Probably thought we needed her. My sister's got my back," he smiled. He looked over at the food court near the gate. "Can we get McDonald's?"
She nodded. "But you need to eat it now. I don't want you smelling up the plane."
He smiled. "That's where we used to meet, remember?" he said leaning on his knees.
"I do," she nodded with a smile.
He grinned. "You hated it."
"What?" she laughed. "No, I didn't."
"Totally, did," he laughed. "San and I would play longer because we liked watching you squirm."
"Noah, I did not squirm," she said with a laugh.
"You totally did!" he argued. "San and I would drop Rachel's toys on the floor or hide her binki in the ball pit-"
"I remember that," she said with a frown of disapproval.
"San and I would bet how many times you would use the baby wipes to clean Rachel," He smiled again. "Dad was in on it," he laughed. "He said it was good for you... To go there I mean"
"What?" she laughed. "No, he didn't. What did you bet?"
"Well, the marshmellows from the Lucky Charms box, duh." He nudged her. "You loved going to McDonalds." She frowned. "Okay, maybe not. But you always went for us. You always did." He kissed his mother on the cheek. "I remember watching you hate McDonald's but always knowing that you went because you loved us." He stood up. "You loved us so much you took us to somewhere you hated."
She shook her head and rolled her eyes. "That's true."
He started to walk away from her and made it to the line before he turned back. When he returned to his mother, she was already holding out a ten dollar bill.
"Don't get too much," she said. "We'll be home soon."
"Thanks, Ma," he said taking the money.
"Anytime."
….
Rachel swung her legs quietly as she looked at Elyse.
"Hey, there, Rach," Elyse said sitting down across from her. "Thanks for waiting for me."
"You're allowed to take a break between sessions... Especially with my family," Rachel said with a quiet smile.
"Do you want to play a game? Your aunt brought out some games for us," Elyse said pointing to the pile of games on the table.
Rachel shrugged. "I don't care," she said simply.
"Has it been hard not having your mom here?" Elyse asked as she grabbed the game Bananagrams.
Rachel nodded at the game and began to help sort out the tiles.
"Rachel?" Elyse asked.
"Yeah, it's hard," she muttered. Her voice trailed off.
"What is it?" Elyse asked.
"I... I've never been to a sleepover," she muttered casually. She scoffed slightly. "Not that anyone would ever invite me..." She shrugged. "Kurt came here once... but …. You can't have boy girl sleepovers. Maybe when you're little... but..." She looked at Elyse. "I didn't when I was little because... Well... you know why..."
"Okay," Elyse nodded. "I didn't really like sleepovers," Elyse said as she began to sort her tiles. "I didn't like being away from my family."
"You didn't like it..." Rachel stated. "I can't... I can't be away from them." She fiddled with the tiles that she had. "I …. miss my mom a lot. …. and I... I woke up without Santana and had a panic attack. Do you watch the Discovery channel? or the Food Network?"
Elyse was used to Rachel's scattered conversations. "Yes, I do," she nodded as she began to arrange her tiles into words.
"Well... in the factories, machines sometimes get rid of the products that are... flawed-" she said.
"Rachel," Elyse said straighten. "We've talked about this."
"I know," she whispered as tears began to fall down her cheeks. "I … don't want to leave the house... and I can't … be away from my sister... and she's worried all of the time...and... my big brother went on a roadtrip to confront … Papa Hiram about something... and I don't think he would have if everything with... with my teacher hadn't happened." Her voice was rushed, saturated with exhausted worry. "It all feels like it goes back to me ... It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why Noah slept with that bimbo, Whitney, and why my sister, Santana won't let her girlfriend love her, and my other sister Quinn won't let anyone but us get close to her..."
"Rachel, this is not your fault. None of this is your fault," Elyse said.
"I'm a piece of it though," she muttered. "If what happened with …. my teacher didn't happen … Quinn might be better by now... She won't talk about what he said and did to her too... but …." Rachel chewed her lip. "She always triple checks to make sure I'm buckled when we're in the car... Every time... It's like she thinks I'm going to fall out... And Santana is well... She's her... and Noah is …." She gave a tired laugh. "He's in New York, not thinking about him but us... me..." She frowned. "It's like I'm a gimpy sitting duck... just waiting to get shot."
"You need to do things are your pace."
"My pace isn't just slow though," she said quietly. "I'm pulling everyone else back... Like... into a pit... Like the lion pits they used to use. You couldn't get out of the pit. You could only stay in. I watched a documentary on the history channel and -"
"Rach," Elyse said with a sigh. "Do you ever watch anything for fun?"
"My sisters and I watched Happy Feet yesterday" she shrugged. "But metaphors are important."
"They are," Elyse agreed. "However, it doesn't mean that you need to go searching for them so intensively."
Rachel began to build words with her tiles silently. "People think I don't see the way they look at me," she said quietly. "Or they think that they're hiding their emotions well, but they're not."
"Why do you say that?"
The eleven year old chewed her lip. "My mom... my mom has to put this cream …. um... down there..." Rachel began to cry silently. "Because... he... my teacher... he was so... rough with me... things got infected and …." She frowned with a slight tremble of her bottom lip. "I remember my mom... I don't know, this sounds weird... but I remember being in my crib in New York and looking up at her... but she has to put this cream on now.. and it's... it's humiliating but I always think of being in my crib in New York. Is that weird?"
Elyse shook her head slightly, allowing the sad girl to be scattered. "It's not weird at all."
"My mom is always really gentle and she... She always talks to me about something or she … sings me a song... she knows that it's really hard for me to do that... so she tries to distract me," she said quietly. "My mom is gone." The statement was so short and true. Rachel said it with such a mournful look that it was almost as if Shelby was never coming back. "My aunt's here. And … and Nana and my uncle Bear...They won't let Santana do it." She frowned and looked at Elyse questioningly. "They say it's too hard for her...To see me like that. But I don't think she's ever said that... So I don't really know... but I remember when we lived at the shelter in New York she changed me and it was never hard for her... she didn't ….."
Rachel trailed off, instead she began to quietly continue playing the word game.
"She didn't what?" Elyse asked.
"She didn't look like Aunt Joey did today..." Rachel focused on the game in front of her. "While San was in session with you, she was helping me...with the cream," Rachel said quietly. "She didn't say anything the whole time and she didn't let her tears fall. Not once... but I saw them... I don't know if she ever... I don't... I know that it's ugly... and uncomfortable... but... It's so hard for everyone..." She bit her lip and looked at Elyse with big eyes. "I don't mean to make everyone remember... but I know that when they look at me sometimes that's all they think about..." Rachel frowned. "Even before... before... my … my teacher... my nana would start crying sometimes …. when I laughed at something or I don't know just stuff that you wouldn't cry about..." Rachel frowned. "It's hard for them... I don't mean for it to be."
Elyse took a deep breath and leaned over, looking at the girl. "You can't help what people feel, Rachel," she said simply.
"I know," she said quietly. "My mom told me that sometimes it gets too hard for people. It doesn't make them weak or strong or good or bad, but they just... sometimes, people know when to walk away..." Rachel looked at Elyse with big eyes. "But it seems that the only ones willing to stick around are my family... and we're barely holding on..." Her jaw quivered again. "I don't know the last time that I saw my Aunt Joey cry... I don't … I don't think that she would leave me... but I think she is only sticking around because I don't have anyone else..." Rachel's jaw quivered more. "I just want somebody to love me."
"Rachel your family loves you very much and I know they would never walk away from you or leave you," Elyse said clearly.
"I know they wouldn't, but it's still so hard for them to stick around," she whispered. She wiped her tears frantically. "My daddy's sister lives in New York... She sends us cards...and money on holidays. But she doesn't love use like my daddy loved us or like Mumma does... Or Joey or Bear... She doesn't love us like that. Santana calls her on Christmas and she doesn't pick up." She frowned. "I'm not stupid. I've been able to infer what happened-" Elyse smiled slightly at Rachel's vocabulary. "It's hurts too much for her to be close to us. She can't have us in her everyday."
"Rachel," Elyse pushed again, trying to refocus that little girl. "That's her loss. You're so much more than what happened to you."
"I just turned eleven a couple months before Quinn moved in," she said quietly. "I'll be a teenager and a grown up before I know it." She looked at Elyse. "Could you help me be more normal?...I just... I want to hold someone's hand that's not related to me … or that wants to hurt me...I want to have a happily ever after." She looked at her. "I don't feel like so much more... I feel … I don't feel like that at all. I need you to teach how to be better. I need you to teach me not to be … how not to be me."
"Rachel, I admire you," she smiled. "I don't want you to be anything but you. Right now I know you must feel like you're drowning with everything that's going on." Rachel gave a muffled sob. Elyse went on. "That's okay, Rachel. You're not drowning. You're doing just fine. You're staying afloat. Quinn accepted you before she knew everything about you."
Rachel nodded and gave a shrug. "I kinda didn't give her a choice though."
Elyse chuckled causing Rachel to smile sheepishly. "You need to give yourself more credit, Rachel. You're an innately amazing person."
"No, I'm not," she whispered. She looked at the woman. "I'm just a girl whose circumstances were wrought by hardship and was challenged to maintain this persona." Elyse looked at her with a frown. "I read that in a book once."
"Rachel, have you always been fascinated about what happened or did something spark your interest?" Elyse searched the girl's eyes. "You used to tell me when something came up."
The girl shrugged. "Nothing happened... that's the issue... Nothing changed. I live in an age of technology and my siblings' hardships are glaringly obvious... I love them... More than anything. Quinn too... but I don't want to be them... I can't... and...I … I started a new school this year... I thought I was starting over and growing up... and I didn't need to go home crying because someone was mean to me..." Rachel frowned in her ever regressing rant. "I think that there is something wrong with me. Right? It has to be me." She frowned. "I need to... I need to grow up and be stronger like they are."
"Rachel, you're already strong," Elyse assured.
Rachel frowned still deep in thought. "Not like them. I should try to be more like them," she said with a nod. "I should... I should be like them."
"Rachel," the woman interrupted. "Who you are is enough."
"It doesn't feel like it," she murmured, destroying her words that she built on in the game and starting over.
"Why don't you think about this? Have you ever wondered why your family works so hard to protect you?"
She gave a shrug. "Because they feel an obligation to conserve the innocence I personify," she said casually.
"You're really too smart for your own good," Elyse said with a gently smile.
"Not smart enough," she said as she tried to rebuild a new combination of words in the game. "I still believed him," she whispered.
"Rachel, your family protects you because you are so special," she smiled.
"They would protect me if I wasn't," Rachel said not noticing her admission.
"But they do because they love exactly who you are and that's enough," Elyse said. "You're so special."
Rachel frowned. She knew she was different, but she was tired of sticking out. For one of the first times in her life she was determined to blend in.
….
An hour later they were in the air. Noah was snoring next to her and she was looking around her at the quiet plane. She leaned back. she was exhausted but her brain was so full. She tried to look out the window but her son was leaning against it and was drooling on himself as he slept. She continued to mull over her son's words. She and her husband... her ex husband... were a great team. However, he was constantly undermining her authority. She frowned as she closed her eyes.
Shelby leaned against the chair with a sigh. Rachel look at her with a smile from the stroller. She was still irritated with Leroy and Hiram that the made their regular exchange place of the kids McDonalds. However, both Leroy and Shelby couldn't be without the kids for more than two to three days. Shelby had put her foot down and arranged that the McDonald's meet up was still only once a week even though they exchanged the kids more frequently. Leroy usually joined Shelby during her time with the children and they somehow made it work. Shelby friends who had divorced recently thought she was crazy to share time with her ex. They told her that that's not how divorces work. She simply explained that's how it worked for them.
Today, was not a Leroy day though. She sighed. Leroy had kissed Rachel goodbye because Noah and Santana were only able to take a break from playing long enough to wave, and then left with his new husband. Shelby frowned. They were at a romantic restaurant with real food and cloth napkins and she was stuck with food that was taking five years off her adult life and filling her children with sugar and fatty calories. She looked down at Rachel who was frowning up at her. Shelby sighed. She was stuck in the playplace with a semi-cranky eighteen month old, an undoubtedly cranky six and a half year old, and a sugar high eight and half year old. She closed her eyes. She could feel a migraine coming. It could be worse, she told herself. WE could be at Chuckie Cheeses. She sighed heavily and looked down at her baby bug.
"Rachel," she said with a heavy sigh when she saw her tiny toddler almost successfully maneuver out of her stroller straps. If she didn't love Santana so much, she would have killed her for teaching her baby girl how to undo all of the straps from her booster seat at the house to the stroller seat. Rachel being Rachel with a combination of already knowing the how to put her favorite music CD in the stereo at Shelby's apartment, had already mastered the art of getting out of the stroller.
Rachel looked back at her with a frown.
"No," Shelby said with a shake of her head and a raise of her eyebrows, her serious face. "No, Rachel. You need to stay with Mommy." She pointed at Rachel uneaten food. "Eat your chicken please. If you're not going to eat the food I brought, you need to eat this." The tiny toddler pouted and reached for her pacifier that was on the table next to Shelby on top of a baby wipe. Shelby hated the germs at McDonalds. "Bug, no," Shelby said again with a sigh. She leaned down and put two pieces of the ripped nugget in front of her. "Eat those last two and then you can have your binki."
Rachel shook her head. "No, Mumma!"
Shelby's eyes widened with an annoyed roll. "Okay, princess. You cool down there and let me know."
Rachel began to pull at her straps again. "Sanny!" she pouted. "I play! Play!" She leaned out over the stroller and pointed at the tall tubes that she was sure were giving the other children a staph infection. "No 'icken! No!" She said as she picked up the pieces and threw them as far away from her on the tray as possible. She pointed at the tubes and smiled as Santana waved at her before heading down the slide. "Sanna!"
"We do not throw food, Rachel. No." Shelby shook her head. "Not okay. Mommy is not happy."
Rachel stopped frowning. "Mommy mad?"
Shelby shook her head. "Mommy's sad that Rachel isn't eating and mad that Rachel threw her food, but Mommy loves Rachel very much."
The baby frowned and held out her hands. "Yucky!"
Shelby laughed. "Yeah, yucky is right." She took Rachel out of the stroller and pulled her into her lap as she cleaned her hands. Santana came bounding over to them tickling Rachel with a smile.
"Hi, Mom!" Santana smiled as she reached for a French Fry, much to Shelby's attempt to hold out a clean baby wipe to her. "Sorry," she said with her mouth full.
"If we eat, Santana, we need to sit," Shelby said. Santana rolled her eyes. "Santana, would you like to sit here for the rest of the time?"
"No," she muttered. "Then knock off the attitude."
"I want Daddy to come back. He forgot to give me my goodbye hug and kiss," Santana said with a pout.
"Because you wouldn't come down, Taz," she said with a sigh. "You were too busy playing with your new friend."
"Well, Julie's gone now!" she said with a huff. "I want my daddy to come back. Please call him."
"Santana," Shelby said with a sigh. "You will see him the day after tomorrow. I promise. You can call him later tonight. He and Hiram are out on a date."
"I hate Hiram," she said with a frown.
"'Ate him!" Rachel echoed.
"Santana, we do not hate," Shelby said sternly but gently. "We can talk about you having some special time with your dad okay? He's been wanting to take you to the studio more. Would you like that?"
Santana instantly brightened. "Okay."
Shelby gave her daughter a stern look. "Do not hate, Hiram, sweetheart. We can talk more about how he makes you feel later."
"Like when I was angry at the Sanchez brothers next door and you let me throw tomatoes in the backyard?" she asked with a smile.
Shelby frowned as she remembered the energy releasing exercise. Needless to say, the therapeutic session with Santana hadn't gone as Shelby planned. "Maybe not to throw things. We'll see," she said with a smile. The mother frowned and looked around the cramped space. "Where's your brother?"
Santana shrugged. Shelby sighed. The ball pit was only ten or fifteen feet away; she was confident that she could hear her son in it. She would be able to see and hear the girls from there if she checked. She restrapped Rachel in the stroller, telling the toddler again that she was not to undo the straps. Rachel nodded and in return received her pacifier. She smiled with triumphant glee.
"San, stay right here with Rachel, okay?" Shelby said. "I'm just going to look at the ball pit."
"Kay," Santana said as she offered Rachel a fry and the tiny girl shook her head in disgust.
Shelby peeked into the ball pit and her son, her little man was screaming along with two other boys about the "Raining Balls of Death" as they each took turns pummeling each other in the face with plastic balls.
"Noah!" she scolded just as one of the boys was hit in the face. "Apologize this instant and get out of there."
Noah frowned and climbed out of the ball pit. He sighed as Shelby began to scold him about hitting people in the face with items. Didn't his mom understand it was a game? The other kid's mom didn't drag him out when he himself got hit in the face! Noah smiled instead he had victoriously hit him with a double shot. Boom bam! He thought in his head.
"Noah, are you listening?" she asked suddenly leaning down and looking him the eyes.
"No, Ma," he said with a sigh. "Sorry."
"We are leaving," she said with a roll of her eyes as they headed back to the table. She looked up and frowned. Santana wasn't at the table and Rachel wasn't in her stroller. She sighed. She didn't need this. She didn't need this at all.
"Mumma! She wanted to come too, okay?" Santana called from above her. She looked and there in the stacked staircase, shielded in by mesh and fabric that Shelby assumed barely passed the safety inspection, was her fearless daughter pulling her tiny toddler. "I want to show her the tunnels and the slides."
"Santana," Shelby said attempting to keep her cool. "Rachel is not big enough to be up there. You need to come down right now. It's time to go home."
Shelby frowned as her elder daughter whispered into Rachel's ear. Rachel nodded around as her teeth held her pacifier with thoughtful determination and Santana lifted her with a grunt of great effort on to the last top step. "Me and Rach want Daddy. Rachel is holding me hostage and I'm holding her hostage. Kay?" Santana called down casually.
Shelby groaned. Ever since, Santana realized the use and effective response that she received when her parents used the cell phone, she wouldn't stop requesting its powerful use. The last time was when Noah, per Santana's demand pretended that he lost his tooth and demanded that his mother come to their father's brown stone to help look for it. Shelby was not impressed when she discovered that Leroy had given into the kids faux panic and didn't even check if Noah had lost his tooth. Needless to say, the children disliked not having both parents together so they were teaming up to have them be in the same space.
"Santana Louise Corcoran! This is unacceptable you need to come down here right now," Shelby said with her hands on her hips.
"Ma, you need a hostage na...nip... nar... We need a hostage narcissistic," Noah said confidently.
Shelby frowned. "Noah, go put on your shoes and clean up the table. In that order please," shelby said with a frustated grown. She turned her attention back to her girls who were now rocking in the tilting tube and mocking her. Shelby growled at the world. The universe was mocking her through her children. "Santana, you need to come down this instant. For every minute you do not listen, you will have to sit with me in the kitchen and write about what you did."
"I want Daddy," Santana said with a more determined frown.
"I am not calling your father, Santana," Shelby said. "You need to come down here right now. You will not be happy if I come up there."
"No," Santana said folding her arms.
"No!" Rachel echoed and looked up at Santana for approval, the six year old nodded in delight.
"No!" another girl yelled.
Shelby frowned and shook her head. "You have two minutes, Santana. If you and Rach don't come down here, then I am coming up. I guarantee you that you do not want that." Shelby then looked sheepishly at the other mother. "I apologize. She doesn't do this typically."
"Well, once is enough!" the mother said. "COME DOWN HERE NOW!" the other mother screamed at the girl who had been mimicking Santana. The girl looked sheepish and began to climb down. "You should yell at your child more often," she hissed as she grabbed her child by the arm and left the playplace with ahuff.
Shelby sighed and turned her attention to her eldest daughter. She locked her eyes with her eldest daughter and shook her head with exhaustion.
"The longer you stay up there , San," she said with a frown in a town that she was clear, stern tone. "The longer that you AND Rachel will be in quiet time." She saw Santana look at Rachel and the guilt set in. "Both of you, in separate areas for at least five minutes and you're working on ten." She saw that she was getting to her daughter. She saw it in her eyes. And then something changed.
"Daddy!" Santana smiled
"Hey, buddy," a familiar voice said behind her. Shelby turned with a groan and she turned with a huff and looked at her ex-husband. "What are you doing?"
Leroy was kissing Noah on the top of his head and Noah was rolling his eyes in embarrassment. His eyes darted much like Noah's did when he thought he was in trouble. Two peas in a pod. He patted Noah gentle on the shoulder and walked over to the stroller, peaking in expecting to see his baby girl.
He frowned and reached in the bag under the stroller, pulling out his wallet in triumph. "Forgot it," he said with a shrug. "We got to the restaurant and realized it -"
"Hiram wasn't going to pay?" Shelby said with a frown. "I would have dropped it off later."
"Shelby, I'm not getting into this with you now," he said with a sigh. He looked around with a smile. "Where are my baby girls?"
Shelby rolled her eyes. "They took each other hostage. Causing a scene. Making negotiations to get you back here... you know, the norm."
He frowned and followed Shelby's gaze up into the tubes. Santana was smiling at him.
"I'll be right down!" Santana called. "Rachel's coming now. I'll push her down."
Shelby and Leroy both jumped for the slide. "Santana, no!"
Too late.
"Ma!"
Her eyes snapped open as she jumped.
"We landed," he said with gently.
She gave him a small nod, remembering how Rachel emerged from that slide ride, terrified but laughing and then how Leroy had to climb into the tubes after Santana. She remembered standing there, watching him as she was left to hold their baby girl wondering if she would ever be enough to go after them or if Leroy was always going to have to be her co-parent.
She frowned deeper. Are you waiting for him to come back? She asked herself. She knew the answer. She didn't have to keep asking herself the question. She was practically still married to her dead ex husband. She didn't talk about this sad portion of her life. She didn't talk about the fact that she only went on two dates since Leroy and how it ended terribly both times, and despite what the children thought, it wasn't because Santana super-glued his socks to his shoes. He had left because of her. He had left because every time he came over they barely had time to talk because the kids were interrupting, and when they weren't Shelby always found an excuse to check on them. Her longest relationship had been two months. She sighed and took a moment to be selfish. Was she going to be alone forever? She frowned. It wasn't the fact that she felt so alone that made her ache. It was that there was a huge part of her that still expected that he would call her... or show up at the house because he forgot his wallet.
She knew that she reached an all time low a couple years ago when Joey bought her "The Rabbit" for Christmas. Needless to say that wasn't a gift that was opened with the family. She sighed. She couldn't do this. She couldn't think about this. She needed to get through a trial and get the kids to the next step in their lives. She would think about herself later, but she reminded herself that if Gus gave her a second glance maybe she would give in.
She gave him a weak smile. "Let's go see who's picking us up."
….
Quinn took a deep breath as she headed toward the car.
"How was it?" Joey asked.
"Fine,"she said with a quiet nod.
Joey started the car and headed toward the house. She pulled a sandwich out of her purse on the center console. "I bought you a bacon cheeseburger and fries."
"Why? Are you trying to kill me?" Quinn said trying not to be tempted by the smell. She held up her cast. "This isn't helping me stay in shape."
"I said you need to eat. I brought you food," Joey said putting the bag in her lap.
"In the car?"
"Yup," Joey said. "Rachel is in her appointment now and you need to have yours when you get back. If you don't want to eat in the car you can eat during your appointment."
"I don't need to have an appointment," she said casually as she looked into the bag and ate a french fry.
"Really? Because you haven't talk to her for a while," Joey said sarcastically. "It's going to happen."
Quinn rolled her eyes and leaned back. With a slight frown she gave into the smell of the bacon and quietly ate some of the burger. She arrived home and by this point her side, where she just got the tattoo, was itching like a mother. When she walked in Rachel shot off of the couch and hugged her. She frowned. She needed to spend more time with this girl.
"Hey," she smiled.
Rachel frowned. "You smell like bacon." She looked at her aunt. "She smells like bacon."
"Did you get a burger?" Santana called out from the living room. "I want a burger."
"You can eat my other half. I left some fries too," she said holding up the bag.
"Nope, you're finishing that," Joey said leading her to the study. "Go meet with Elyse."
"Mom's gonna be home soon," Rachel said with a frown. "She texted me and said they're about a half hour away."
"She texted me too, bug," Joey said. "And she said that she might sneak into the end of Quinn's appointment." She nodded at the blonde. "Alright?"
"Why?" Quinn frowned trying to offer Santana the bag of food again only to have Joey shove it back in her arms.
"I don't know," Joey said. "I'm her sister not her psychic."
"But you're nosey," Quinn pointed out.
"Truth," Santana said from the living room.
"She's not nosey. She just inquires a lot," Rachel said looking over her shoulder at Santana.
"Same thing," Quinn said.
"Yup, preach it," Santana called again.
"Alright enough," Joey said. "Quinn, as much as I'm sure Elyse loves spending time here you shouldn't keep her waiting."
"Why not? We're paying her, aren't we?" Quinn retorted.
"Quinn!" Joey said in frustration.
"It's true," Rachel said. "We do pay her."
"We totally do," Santana said from the living room at the same time.
"Exactly," Quinn said nodding at her. "Probably, pay her too much huh?"
"We don't pay her too much," Rachel said. "Do we?"
"Well she just comes and plays games with us," Santana pointed at her as she came into the entryway.
"I think so," Quinn said trying once again to offer Santana the food.
"Enough!" Joey said. She pointed at Quinn. "You. Go meet with her. I don't care how much you think she deserves. You two," she pointed at Santana and Rachel. "Kitchen. Homework . Now."
Santana sighed and led Rachel into the kitchen. Quinn watched them head out instantly jealous that she didn't get to escape into the kitchen. Elyse popped into the hallway.
"Ready?"
"Yes, she is," Joey said. "Make sure she finishes that burger."
"She's trying to inflict me with heart disease and high cholesterol," Quinn groaned.
Elyse nodded and motioned for Quinn to come into the study. The girl took a seat and sat heavily in the large chair that she knew Elsye normally sat in. She wasn't in the mood for this. Not one bit.
"Can we get this 'so your bio-mom's dead let's talk about feelings' conversation over with quickly?" she asked as she unconsciously opened her bag and grabbed another fry.
"Quinn, that's up to you," Elyse said coyly.
The blonde sighed in frustration. She frowned. "My sisters and I were talking. How much do you make?" she asked rudely.
"Quinn, that's not appropriate for this conversation-" she said.
"Whatever," she sighed. "Listen," she said unconsciously taking an angry bite of the burger. "If it is up to me, we are done here. She's dead. I moved on. Done." She took another bite of the burger. "Tell my aunt that I will be upstairs on your way out."
"That's not an option," Elyse said. "We don't have to talk about her, but you need to have this session."
"What's the point if I'm not going to talk?" Quinn retorted. "Shouldn't you be focused on San and Rach? If you haven't noticed, they're hurting more than me. I don't care about my birth mother."
"You don't care about what she left you?" Elyse countered.
"It was just guilt money. I don't need to forgive her. I don't have this hate toward her. She's just a person that made my life miserable and now she's in the ground." Quinn stared down at the burger in her hand and then her food, suddenly feeling disgusted.
"What is it?" Elyse asked.
"I don't want this," she spat. "I'm full."
"Because of your mother?" she asked.
"What? No!" Quinn chewed her lip. She lied. The physicality of death terrified her more than the ideology of it. She remembered reading a poem in her English literature book from AP English. It was all about the physicality of death. The maggots. The decay. The brutality of nature. She hated her-She hated Judy. But thinking of anyone being eating by the harshness of nature was terrible. "I'm going to throw up."
She sprinted out of the study to the bathroom and squeezed her eyes shut. Slamming the toilet lid open, she released the contents of her stomach into the bowl. All she could picture were her mother's decaying eyes. She threw up again.
"Are you okay?" Joey asked coming into the bathroom and holding her hair back. "What were you talking about?"
"Nothing," Quinn hissed as she wiped her mouth.
"Are you sick? Do you have the flu?" Rachel asked from the doorway.
"I'm glad I didn't eat that burger," Santana said.
"Ewww, it smells like bacon vomit," Rachel said with a frown.
Joey took a deep breath. She had two boys. Still, she wasn't used to the incessant never ending female chatter unless it was her own. "Enough," Joey said again. "Out!"
Joey closed the door and turned back to Quinn, who was now rinsing out her mouth and washing her hands at the sink.
Quinn glared at her aunt as she dried off her hands. "Can I just lay down?"
"Yes, in there, as you talk to Elyse," she said.
"I don't want to," Quinn frowned.
"Well, I don't want to go through menopause but it's inevitable," Joey said back. "Wash up and lay down on the couch in here. I'll get you some water."
Quinn frowned and sighed heavily.
"Fine," she sighed and lay down on the couch. "I'm done talking about it. It is over. Why bring it up?" She huffed and leaned back in her seat. She wasn't going to be here. "Do you know what my mom wants to talk about?"
Elyse nodded, but didn't answer.
"I'm not talking about Judy. She's in the ground being eaten by bugs and ….." Her ferocious words died down. "What did my mom want?"
"She'll want to wait until she gets here to talk to you about it," Elyse said, simply. "Do you think of her as your mother?"
Quinn softened. "Of course, I do." She looked at her hands. "I know I might be out of place saying it, but... I need to say it while I can."
"Are you going somewhere?" Elyse asked cautiously.
"Everything comes to an end," she replied tracing her cast. "It's inevitable. Might as well embrace it."
"What if there was a way that it didn't end. Would you chose that?" Elyse asked.
"You mean adoption?" Quinn asked without hesitation. She shook her head. "I know she's thinking about it, but there's no way that... I just... The state wants to get rid of me."
"And what better place to do so in a home that you actually want to be in?" she countered.
Quinn shook her head. "I know that I sound like I'm beating a dead horse... well... not actually beating a horse." She frowned with embarrassment. "I don't know what that sounds like. I'm not a psychopath who kills cats. Though... at the group home there was a girl who talked about killing cats, casually... you might want check that out."
"If it is who I think it is, you're fine," Elyse said.
"You're not very good at confidentiality," Quinn pointed out. "I should talk to my mom about that."
"I didn't reveal who she was, Quinn," she said simply.
Quinn pointed at her with her uncasted hand. "But you implied." She shook her head. "What I'm trying to say is... Shelby has enough problems and..."
"Quinn, having you come into the family isn't like a random side order that she can send back to the kitchen," Elyse said.
The blonde frowned. "You clearly were just talking to Rachel." She bit her lip. "Listen, I know how things work. I lived in that group home... granted not for long... but long enough to know how many kids run away every day and how many people don't care about them... How they go and live at foster homes and after one bad incident they're sent back and-"
"Do you think Shelby would do any of that?"
Quinn frowned. "She hasn't yet...but she will. It's impending. It's inevitable. Granted, her track record with her three children might show otherwise... but..." Quinn shook her head. "Listen, I trust her, but I'm waiting for the ball to drop... I'm waiting for it to end. I would love more than anything to be a Corcoran forever, and I know in some strange way, I already am... but I still feel like I'm playing dress up." She frowned and looked at her broken arm. "I pretended so long to be someone I wasn't... to be whole and … put together... And I wasn't..."
"How do you feel now?" Elyse asked.
Quinn shook her head. "I don't know. Scattered?" She sighed. "Rachel is really really going to need Shelby and she needs to focus on Rachel and San and as much as she loves me and is there for me..." The blond trailed off as she stared at her cast. She took a breath and refocused the conversation as she looked up at Elyse. "It will make her life easier, I get it. She is one of a kind, but now that I am free and clear it might be easier for me to age out or apply for emancipation."
"Can I be honest with you?" Elyse asked.
"Isn't that what you're paid to do?" she retorted.
"No one is going to grant you emancipation, Quinn," Elyse said carefully.
The blonde looked at her with a deep set frown. "Why?" she frowned. "I have my own money. I have money! Shelby got me through the hard stuff... Now she can get back to her family."
"It's not about the money, and didn't you say you were a part of this family?" Elyse countered. "Legally, Quinn, a judge won't grant you emancipation …. with your history."
"My dad is gone and my birth mother is dead," she growled. "They don't matter. I'm alive and I need to be on my own."
"Is it that you want to be on your own, Quinn, or that you want to be out of people's way?" Elyse countered. "I respect you and I know that Shelby loves you. If she wanted to adopt you, would you do it?"
The girl felt the itch of her tattoo again. "I'm already a Corcoran... in my own way..." She frowned. "I don't need her to adopt me to know that."
Elyse nodded. "But is it what you want?"
"In so many ways it's what I've always wanted," she muttered. "But what you want and what you actually need are different."
"How so?" she asked.
She frowned. "Listen, I know I'm being contradictory, but I'm sixteen. I'm stupid. I know she would never ask me to leave. I know that, but... Life happens. It's not just about being a burden or an extra weight..." Quinn looked at her. "To me, I'll always be a part of this family, I don't need an adoption to tell me that and I know that... things can be out of my hands... out of both of our hands."
Quinn frowned knowing that she was barely making any sense. She took a deep breath and looked out the window.
"They're home."
…..
Santana sat quietly at the counter. She could feel Rachel's eyes on her.
"What's wrong, bug?" she asked.
"Why did you ask it like that?" Rachel asked with a sigh. "Are you mad at me?"
Santana took a deep breath. She could feel her grandmother's eyes on her as well as her sister. "No," she said honestly.
"But she's mad in general," Nana said.
"No, I'm not," Santana countered with a frown.
"Is that why you left last night?" Rachel asked honestly.
Santana looked at her grandmother. "I'm not mad."
"It's okay to be mad."
"I'm not mad!" she hissed.
"She's just on edge because Noah went to see him," Rachel said looking at Santana and then back at her grandmother. "You can't tell her how she feels, Nana."
"I'm not," Helen said. "But I think that you girls try to filter your feelings in front of each other."
"I don't," Santana hissed.
Rachel looked at her hands for a moment and then looked back up. "Me neither," she mumbled after a moment.
Santana looked at her with frown, hesitating as she wondered if she was leading Rachel into a direction she didn't want her to become: herself.
"Rachel knows she can be honest with me," Santana said with a smile. She narrowed her eyes, hating as the words left her lips but giving in. "I'm …. I'm pissed as hell that he went and I couldn't stop him."
"Santana!" Helen hissed. "Watch your mouth."
"I thought were were talking about feelings," she spat. "Those are my feelings!"
"Do you think he feels better? After seeing him?" Rachel asked trying to calm her sister down.
"I don't think so, but I'm sure he feels something," Santana frowned.
"What do you wish would have happened?" Rachel asked honestly.
"I wish..." Santana sighed. "I don't know."
Rachel looked up at her. Her sister was a mess. She didn't know how to help her. She didn't know how to do that. Noah was supposed to protect them and he went to him instead. The man who still haunted Santana's dreams. Rachel wasn't stupid. She knew that Hiram had hurt her... and made her do things. While, Santana thought it wasn't the same … Rachel tried to take a deep breath and push past the discomfort that hadn't gone away between her legs. The same discomfort that hadn't gone away since …. the car accident and her teacher. She wondered if Santana ever hurt like that. Or Quinn.
"Rachel," Santana whispered, bringing her younger sister out of her thoughts.
"I'm sorry you feel so alone," Rachel whispered.
"Bug," she muttered. "I don't. I have you," she said gently pulling her toward her.
She frowned and tried to soak her tears back in. All she could do in this moment was think about how necessary it was to grow up. Rachel's ears perked up when she suddenly heard a car pull into the driveway. She shot out of her seat.
….
Noah sighed. His head was all over the place. He couldn't focus Not one bit, but he couldn't even realize what was going on around him. He hadn't even realized that they were home until there was a knock on the window. Being with his mom and being in New York had been a rush of confusion. It felt right before, but now... in the afterthoughts of it, he didn't know what to say. He expected something more.
He opened the door and stood. Suddenly he felt two tiny hand push into his gut.
"Ugh," he groaned.
"How could you? How could you do that?" Rachel sobbed and pushed him again causing him to stumble back.
"Rachel," Shelby said.
Noah shook his head and looked back at Rachel. "I'm sorry, Rach," he said.
"How could you leave me like that? How could you leave Santana like that!?" she sobbed. "Why did you think you could do that?" She pushed at him weakly again. "What were you trying to do?"
He leaned down and picked her up gently as she sobbed into his neck. Her small fist hit him weakly on the chest. He looked up and made eye contact with Santana who was standing outside near the house. He shook his head and his eyes began to water. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
She couldn't hear him, but she saw what he was saying. Santana walked briskly to them and wrapped her arms around Noah and Rachel. He knelt on the ground Rachel leaned between them. Noah leaned his forehead against Santana's and cupped Rachel's face. It felt like he was in pieces.
….
Quinn watched out the window as the three siblings embraced. She felt grateful for them, but on the outside too.
Quinn stood. "Thanks for coming," she muttered. "You can go now." She said simply to Elyse.
She started toward the door and it swung open.
"Hi," Shelby smiled. "Sorry I'm late." She said pulling off her jacket and kissing Quinn on the top of her head. "Hey," she said gently.
"Uh... hi," Quinn muttered. "Shouldn't you be out there... with them?"
Shelby shook her head. "Nope, here's fine." She waved out the window. "They're fine. They needed some time together, plus I wanted to be in here with you."
Quinn frowned again. "Why?"
"Because," Shelby said. She searched the girl's eyes. "Did you do something different?" She combed her hair back. "There's something different about you." She narrowed her eyes and continued to search Quinn's face. "What is it?"
She shook her head. "Nothing," She lowered her head and wondered if her eyes could reveal that she had a tattoo on her hip. Could she see that? "I'm fine."
Shelby looked at her for a moment more and then looked away. "Okay." She smiled at Elyse. "So where are we?"
"Why did you want to come into my session?" Quinn asked bluntly.
"I just wanted to talk to you about something," Shelby said gently. She nodded at Elyse. "Something that I wanted Elyse to facilitate."
Quinn took a deep breath. "I …. I … um... Is this about adopting me?" She suddenly felt her eyes stinging.
Shelby gave a tiny smile and wrapped her arms around her, gently pulling her into a hug. "Yeah," she whispered.
Quinn leaned into her embrace. She had been trying every moment to deter her hope away from Shelby's love and acceptance. She knew it would end or something would happen. She didn't want to think about how much she wanted her love and wanted to be in this family, because then she was forced to think about how she got there.
"I can't," she muttered into Shelby's neck.
"Why? Can't what?"
"I can't ask that of you," she muttered. "It's … it's too much."
"You're not too much, Quinn," she said with a smile, wiping away her tears. "Honestly, this will be paperwork. It doesn't change our everyday and how we are. If you want we can change your last name, but that's up to you." Quinn leaned back. Her eyes watered. "You are already my daughter to me," Shelby went on. "That's not what will change. "You'll just be my daughter to the rest of the world."
"But... but... adoption isn't a sure thing... I mean... like you said... There's paperwork... I might get denied and …." Quinn ranted as she wiped her tears.
Shelby laughed. "I wasn't going to do it without your permission," she smiled kissing her cheek. "and I don't think we'll get denied. You want to be here right?"
Quinn looked at her. More than anything. "I just... I don't … It's not that." She motioned out the window. "You're children are slobbering on the lawn." Shelby laughed. The blonde looked at her seriously. "I … I can't ask that of you."
"Quinn," she said simply. "If you want you here, I want you here. I want you here more than anything. I want to paint your room upstairs. I want to go look at colleges when you're ready. I want to be with you every step of the way." She looked at her honestly. "I know that you have had a lot of changes over these past few months, and you've been sent through the wringer and I can understand if you don't want to be permanently apart of this family."
"I do," she said quickly.
"And it's okay to have doubts," Elyse said. "Like Shelby said, it's a lot of big steps."
Quinn nodded and looked at her hands. It was a step that she wanted a take but knew that if things didn't go through, she didn't know if she could survive g to leave that. She sighed. "I … I want this... I just... I don't want to get my hopes up," she muttered. "Plus... I think you're biting off more than you can chew. I mean do you even work anymore."
Shelby smiled. "We're fine financially. You should never have to worry about that."
Quinn bit her lip. "I... um... What if i crack and go crazy and become a serial killer?" Her words tumbled out of her mouth. She looked up when she was met with silence. "It could happen."
"Well, firstly, I hope that you don't become a serial killer," Shelby said gently. "Killing is bad."
"I'm not a cat killer," Quinn said quickly.
Shelby looked at Elyse questioningly. The woman shook her head to ignore it.
The blonde went on. "I … Um... I …. What if... What If I can't be a Corcoran forever?"
"Your father and your sister don't have any rights to see you again," Shelby said. "You may be eighteen soon but you don't owe them anything. Listen, Quinn, you're going to mess up. I don't expect you to be perfect. But I will always love you. No matter what you do."
I think you're speaking too soon, Quinn thought suddenly feeling the itch of her tattoo and aching for cigarette.
"Joey is already looking into the paper work. Jackie and I will talk with you more about this soon but I just... I wanted to talk to you about it first," Shelby said gently.
"I want to be a Corcoran," she whispered. "I just... I don't know if I can be."
Elyse gave her a soft look.
"To me you already are," Shelby said gently.
….
Bear led Rachel back into the house to be put on the nebulizer much to her distaste.
Santana watched her brother go to the car.
"Are you going to help me, buckwheat?" he asked with a grin.
Santana rolled her eyes and followed him to the Range Rover and grabbed the bags. She started toward the house.
"I'm sorry," he said softly, not meeting her eyes. She didn't reply. "I really am."
"Forget it," she muttered.
"We went to see him," he muttered leaning back against the bumper and dropping the bags on the pavement.
"I know, idiot," she hissed as she sat next to him.
"Not him," he replied quietly. Santana bowed her head and crossed her arms. She couldn't look at her brother. "Don't worry, I asked for a place in heaven for you."
Santana wiped her eyes and scoffed. "Noah, going to someone's graveside isn't like going to confession... or something..."
"It's just... you did that, remember?"
Santana folded her arms more tightly. "No, I didn't..."
"Yeah, you did, remember?" he said nudging her elbow. "It's what you do."
"What are you talking about, Noah?"
He smiled. "The last funeral we went to. Uncle Bruno's... dad's brother."
Santana frowned. "Um... I was like five...Rachel wasn't even born."
"I know... but someone at school told us about heaven and hell and said that we better reserve our spots in heaven," Noah said with a smile.
"Again, I think that was our next door neighbors and she said that because you peed in her garden on her terrace," Santana said.
Noah smiled. "I know... but um... At Uncle Brunos's funeral you saved me a spot in heaven." She watched Santana hear his words. "I was just returning the favor. You said that everyone was a shoe in but that I needed back up."
She frowned. "Again... I was five... I had no idea what I was saying."
"You've always had my back, San," he said quietly. "I'm sorry I didn't bring you with me …. but I couldn't..."
"It's not just that you didn't..." she muttered. "It was the fact that you knew I couldn't. She said with a sigh. She laughed. "Who's going to save Rach and Quinn and spot?"
"Naw, they're good," he smiled. "Right?"
She nodded and folded her arms. "Did you see him?... That... him...?"
"No," he said gruffly. "Needed clearances or whatever. Of course, I didn't think about that."
"I'm glad you didn't see him," she said. "But I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted."
"I'm sorry I ditched you at a rest stop," he said with a small smile. He paused for a second. "I miss him a lot. I feel like I'm forgetting who he was."
Santana nodded and felt a lump in her throat. "I miss him all the time." She looked at her brother. "You're a lot like him." She smiled. "More than you know."
"How would you know?" He laughed.
"Because I know everything and I remember him," Santana said with a roll of her eyes. Her gaze softened. "And you're a lot like him. You're short tempered, but honorable and kind and you hold Rachel like he did."
"Well, he taught me to hold her so I wouldn't drop her," he scoffed. "We should talk about him more, huh?"
Santana laughed. "I think so." She looked toward the house. "I think it would be good for Rachel too..." She shrugged. "To hear about him more I mean."
He nodded and continued to stand silently for a few moments. "What do you remember most?" Noah asked.
"How he would break the rules... all of the time. Like bedtime, snacks before dinner... Mom got so mad at him. He would kiss her and say someting about how Mom shouldn't waste her worry on little things." Santana smiled at the thought. "I know that they weren't always happy... and that they fought a lot... but they were best friends. It was weird, huh?"
He nodded. "It was home though." He thought back to his conversation with his mother. "Do you ever remember making Peppermint Ice Cream with him?"
"Uh...yeah," she said with a laugh. "You don't?"
He gave a small nod. "I might need you to refresh my memory."
I know this is late. I'm sorry. I also know it's short. I'm sorry again for that. However, I wanted to have it up before I went to work. I hope it's alright. Thanks again for your continuous support. Please check out my tumblr. I've posted a fantastic trailer for this little fic. :)