claireeleven – Thank you so much for your kind words. I am very happy and humbled that you found the story and enjoy it so much. It takes a lot of planning so that is one of the reasons the chapters don't get out as quickly as I would like. Thank you for taking the time to review.
Guest – Thank you for that but I am not sure what one has to do with the other. I hope you are enjoying the story and I am unsure what you are threatening to do about it but I am glad you are going to stop so I can continue to write and have others enjoy it.
Lolathe17th – I am so glad you caught up – I try to be equal with all the characters – although with Quinn and Rachel and the things that have happened to them it gets a little disproportionate. You will see a little more of Santana in this chapter (she is one of my favorites). The reason Shelby let her make the decision about school is because she knew Brittany was there with San – and she wanted San to keep some semblance of normalcy to her day but you will see in this chapter what happens further. Quinn was pulled because she couldn't focus for 10 minutes on anything and she was leaving school whenever she felt like it. Santana still has Cheerios where she can actively participate. Your reviews are not too long – no worries there. Thank you very much for it.
Guest – The infection could definitely have caused the miscarriage. There are a number of reasons she could have miscarried and they maybe addressed later. One of the reasons it was not caught sooner was because she has moved and guardianship has changed and it was one of those things lost in the cracks. One of my betas works in a medical doctors office and she says you would be surprised with the number of times a test is missed and the results are not given to the patient. Unless the patient is diligent with following up themselves, human error is very high in a busy clinic or medical office setting unfortunately. Quinn would not have been one to follow up on her tests – she would have wanted to forget anything and everything associated with it. Thanks for the review.
CX - Thank you for the review and the Christmas wishes. I am so glad that you are enjoying the story. I try to fit in flashbacks where it seems to fit and unfortunately sometimes for Quinn's there aren't really many happy ones.
Guest – You are correct Rachel's act with the car is terrible and she was extremely lucky with not getting into a serious accident, however, the punishment for Rachel compared to the others is difficult because she has basically grounded herself. She is stuck in her own mind and Shelby and the others know that – so Rachel feeling she is a disappointment to her mother is more punishment than Shelby can possibly give her. And this wont be forgotten by Shelby by any means. Noah and Santana will help the girls with the trial and we will see it through their eyes as well because it will bring back a flood of memories. The key will be now that they are older how will they handle it. Sugar will be around for sure because Holly is homeschooling Rachel and Quinn for the time being. Thanks for the review.
NinjaGleek21 – Thank you so much for the review and holiday wishes. I hope you like this chapter as well. The trial will be very hard for Rachel.
UnicornsAndRainbows20089 – With determination I think Rachel can do anything she puts her mind too. There will be an ending but there is also a sequel. Thanks for the review.
Doodle19 – Thank you for the review. I am very glad you are continuing to read and still enjoying the story.
Iuterpi - Thank you I am glad you are enjoying. Thanks for always reviewing.
OTHangels - Thank you
Renata – Thank you for the holiday wishes – I hope you had a Merry Christmas and a nice New Years, Yeah Griffin is a piece of work but I couldn't possibly have a realistic story where all the characters were nice and friendly and had no issues. That's not life so you always will have that relative that you have to see but don't really want to see. But remember he is still young and he is just being himself. Rachel and Shelby will never have the relationship they had on the show Glee. I think the show did an awful job and the fact that Shelby came back to find her daughter and a quick comment by Mr. Schuester and she left her again did not make any sense to me so no I don't think I can write that kind of relationship. Plus I think one of my betas would disown me. Thanks as always for the reviews.
Roxy555 - Thank you so much for your kind words. I am glad you are enjoying reading it and sorry about the football referencing – if truth be told I need a lot of work in that area so my beta is a football nut so she helps me with it. I try to update every 10 -14 days but based on my work schedule and the holidays and now this illness I have it has been a little bit of a struggle. Thank you again for the review. I hope you like this chapter.
marinka4 – Things will start to get a little better for some and for others it is going to take a little more time but in the end – they will all be a united strong family. Thanks for the review.
JWilson18 – The trial will be in the next couple of chapters – It is definitely after Christmas and New Years – not a great way to start off the new year but they will get through it. Thanks for the review.
Fangirl44 – Santana and Brittany are awesome together and they will get better – in my story they are definitely end game. Thanks for the review.
broadwaybound2016 – Thank you so much!
look4me – Truly I think it is more coincidental that the story was falling into the same time as the real world but as much as I try pushing this story further along I don't want to rush things either. There are many stories online that have similar things as this one but I try my best to be original. Happy holidays to you as well. Thanks for the review.
dolphinluver46 – Loved the review – thanks!
Kimberlli - Every family does have a bum or a relative that is a little off and you wonder where did they come from, but Griffin just needs to grow up some. I am so glad you love the story. Thanks for the review.
Chapter 58
Thank you for your patience!
The next chapter will be the Christmas Holidays. Sorry we're so delayed.
Shelby took a deep breath and pulled her coffee cup closer as a woman in front of her played tug o war with a large screened laptop. She and her sister and mother always believed that witnessing the crazy that was Black Friday was essential to reminding themselves they weren't that nuts.
Joey came up to her with a smile. "I totally caused that fight I think."
"Congratulations," Shelby stated.
"Mom is over in the electronic section trying to convince these two women that their lives really don't depend on the purchase of that $60.00 camera."
"I love that she mediated and you antagonize," Shelby stated.
"You usually have more fun here," she stated.
Shelby shook her head. "Forget it," she mumbled. "Look, that couple appears to be lost. Why don't you go make them cry or something?" Shelby shook her head, hating that she supported her mother and sister's poor behavior for the sake of her own entertainment.
Joey narrowed her eyes. "No, I'll stay here. What's going on?"
Shelby looked down at her left hand and traced the barely there tan line on her ring finger. Perhaps it wasn't even there, she just still remembered how her hand felt and looked with the ring on it. Still, after all these years her hand looked naked.
"I never thought I would be that woman," she whispered as she wrapped one arm around her midsection and continued to nurse her coffee. "That woman who kept comparing every experience to the past and gets caught up in what-ifs." She waved her hand in front of her as if swatting away her melancholy thoughts. "Forget about it."
Joey arched a brow. "No, this is hard. This would be hard for anyone. I'm proud that you came out with us to remind everyone what an incredibly capitalist, selfish society we are."
"Says the woman who shops on Amazon like it's her job," Shelby stated with an eye roll. She sighed. "I think that I went too easy on Rachel."
She leaned back against the shelf and looked at her. "Why would you think that?"
"Have you ever had a run away car with a child in it?" she frowned. "What she did was dangerous and stupid and … DANGEROUS! … and stupid!"
Joey rolled her eyes. "You can't go and repunish her more... It's like take backs."
"We all know the trial is going to suck for them. It's like this dark cloud we can see coming back it hasn't freaking rained yet. You just know when it eventually does it's going to pour!" She shook her head. "It just doesn't seem that any umbrella will be enough."
Joey put her hand up. "Let me catch up with metaphor." she looked at her sister. "You can't protect them from every storm."
"But I need to prepare them to survive every storm," she sighed. "I just... You know what I keep thinking about? When we had to sent Noah off to that program for six weeks. The longest six weeks of my life. I just... I sent him away and he came back ….. so … revived... I was so thankful for that. I'm just... I am scared that I'll have to send one of the girls away … because I can't do right by them."
Joey looked at her. "The fact that you always worry if you are doing things is right means that you unquestionably are."
Shelby thought for a moment. "If she had said something... if she had said something when he first... If she had said something then we wouldn't have to do this. She wouldn't have to to this. None of this would have happened to her...again. I told her... I told her... about how it's her body and that she didn't have to do things that she didn't want to and how she needed to see an adult." she shook her head. "what... Why didn't she say anything? …. I ask myself this all the time... and... then … I realize that I can't ask that, because I'm blaming her. I'm blaming my sheltered kid for trusting someone... the wrong someone but someone..." She shook her head. "And Quinn... now with..." she squeezed her eyes shut. "Santana is getting harassed at school and she's putting up with it. She fights for Rachel when Rachel talks to someone in the deli aisle, but she won't fight for her... And Noah... Noah is finally trying with school but I think he thinks it's a joke."
"Like I said. You're a good mom, Shelby. You can't protect them from everything. Your kids are flawed because their human. They're figuring it out and you're helping them. I honestly think that maybe in these next few weeks before Christmas and the New Years break if things are so bad with Santana at school, you should pull herr at least until the new year. She needs to catch up anyway. She must be behind because of the time she's missed."
"Miraculously, she isn't that far behind," Shelby confirmed. "But you're right. It's just something that I can't tolerate and that ridiculousness of that school. It's just... I will figure it out i'm just... I'm not sure how."
Joey arched her brow. "Well, Shel, you're perfect. I'm sure you'll figure it out."
Helen came up to the girls. "Alrighty, I think I helped that couple."
Shelby smirked. "I'm glad you could do your good service."
"Alright, now let's get down to the main reason why we're here," Helen said with an over enthusiastic clap of her hands.
"And why's that?" joey asked with a frown.
"To get shirts for the Christmas picture of course," Helen said. "Okay, the boys... Your boys, Jo, what size are they wearing now?"
Joey shrugged. "I think …. they're the same size as Bear... maybe smaller."
"That narrows it down," Helen said with a roll of her eyes.
"Well, I never know what mood the boys are in. Sometimes they like to think they're models or smaller than they are and they wear them super tight other times they think they're huge and wear them baggy. I don't know. Let's just guess with what they look best in."
"Mom, they're about the size of Noah. Get the boys men's larges."
"What color are we doing?"
Shelby idly picked out shirts as they finalized the color of a red: a dark red, not quite burgundy but not quite red. She picked out a size for Rachel and Santana and was thinking about the size for Quinn when her mother interrupted her.
"What size is Quinn wearing? Should we do long sleeve or short sleeve with the cast? What do you think?"
"Longsleeve," she said. "We can stretch it over the cast." She sighed. "I want her to be in the picture but we're not going to pressure her if she doesn't want to be in it."
"No," Joey interrupted. "Pressure her. She needs to know that she's a part of this family. the boys used to kick and scream with the picture. She's going to be in. Just like they were."
Shelby nodded slowly with a hesitant frown.
"We are pressuring her because the other kids in the family don't get a choice and neither does she - she is in this family now and I will sit her on my lap if I have to," she said with shrug. "We're easy on these kids in some ways but we don't let them out of punishments. Just because Rachel likes doing essays doesn't mean she will enjoy doing it. She wants to be treated like everyone. It's not about coddling them. Practice what you preach and don't treat them any different from anyone else. They already feel like that all on their own."
Shelby stared back at her, knowing that she was right, but still uncertain on how to move forward.
….
The night had been long since Rachel had thought that Quinn was Santana and kept snuggling into Quinn and pushing her hand in the front of her shirt. when Quinn finally pushed Rachel to Santana's side of the bed, Santana woke up and fussed over the blankets that the three of them were sharing. Shelby came home and laid with the three with them and things were calm. However, morning came too soon.
Now, Quinn sat idly near the island as they gathered around in the kitchen. The kitchen was bustling as everyone was trying to eat breakfast. Rachel was sitting next to Santana, who was braiding her hair idly. Moe, Larry, and Curley were having a pancake eating competition and Bear was actually encouraging it.
"C'mon, Griff and Dex, you can eat faster than that! Noah is totally beating you!"
"Have you met him? He's a vacuum," Dexter complained.
"If anyone throws up, Bear, you're cleaning it up," Shelby said.
Quinn continued to watch in disgust. She frowned. that's all she did now a days was frown. She was going to get wrinkles. Thanksgiving was over and they were already preparing to spread the Christmas joy. She wasn't sure if she was ready for all of those traditions.
Shelby grabbed and zipped up her North Face and turned to Quinn. "Grab your coat please. Girls, don't forget that Elyse is coming over today."
"Don't we ever give her a day off?" Santana asked.
"Where are you going?" Rachel piped in.
"I have to go to the doctors," Quinn muttered.
"Why?" Santana asked. "Not about Elise but about Quinn. I don't need to go. I think we should cancel anyway. It's a holiday for the rest o the world... except Elyse and whoever Quinn's going to see."
"Mind your business," Shelby stated. Quinn's head was bowed and as she zipped up her jacket slowly. "Just a check up. Nothing to worry about."
Noah was moving four coffee cups around that were turned upside down. "Rach, pick one."
He continued to move the cups around. Rachel took a bite of toast and pointed at a cup.
Noah picked up the cup and there was a piece of paper beneath it. "Looks like I'm going to Penn State!"
"Noah! No, we are not choosing schools like that," Shelby stated seriously.
Quinn leaned over and looked at Shelby. "I don't... I don't really want to go..." she whispered. "I'm fine."
Shelby turned to her and pulled her into the mud room as she reached for hat and gloves. "I know you don't want to go, but you need to. I promise I'll try to make this quick but we do have to go."
The blonde hardened her gaze. "No," she hissed.
"Rachel, pick one," Noah called again. They could hear cups moving.
"Noah, I mean it," Shelby called. She turned back to Quinn and looked at her calmly. "Quinn, you can either get in the car yourself or I will pick you up and carry you out there myself."
The blonde turned and looked back at her with a laugh. "You can't do that. I'm way too big."
The three in the kitchen looked toward the mud room in interest. Rachel looked up at Santana with a tiny smirk, knowing that Shelby was a lot stronger than she looked. "Mumma's gonna win," she whispered.
"Quinn, I mean it," she said. "We need to leave."
"I don't need to go," she stated with her arms crossed over her chest.
"Alright," Shelby stated and she reached out and pulled the light blonde over her shoulder.
"What are you doing? Are you crazy?" Quinn called out.
"I'm not crazy. If anything, I'm consistent," Shelby stated.
Quinn groaned. "Fine," she muttered relaxing in Shelby's arms. "Put me down. I'll go."
"Told ya," Rachel said looking up from her loose leaf piece of paper that she was beginning her essay on.
Santana arched her brow. "But, really, why are you going?"
"Seriously, none of your business," Shelby reiterated.
Noah leaned back in his chair and watched them leave.
"I think you should go here," Rachel said from his side. He looked down at her and she was pointed at one of the pamphlets with lots of smiling faces on the front. "It looks nice and they have a small student to professor ratio."
"What?" he asked frowning at the brochure. The school she was looking at was USC. He didn't know where it was but knew that it was far away.
"Rachel, work on your paper please," Nana said from the counter. "Noah, if you are finished dirtying those cups go to the counter and wash them please.
Noah stood and looked out the window. He remembered when he moved here and he wasn't sure if he was ready to leave. He knew that he would still see the family it wasn't as if he was saying goodbye forever, but he knew that his sisters wouldn't be down the hall. His mother wouldn't always be there when he thought she wasn't. He knew that Rachel had been right, though. She couldn't move on if he didn't. He needed to show that he could be successful at school and away from home or she would never try herself.
It was hard to make any choices though with the trial so close. He gave a small sigh and glanced over his shoulder. He couldn't find the words to talk to Rachel about the trial. He didn't know what to say. She knew it was already going to be hard, he didn't need to point out the obvious.
Santana went silent at Thanksgiving dinner, just from the mention of a trial. He continued to wash the cups and glanced over his shoulder at Rachel, wondering if she remembered how Noah had reacted after the trial for Hiram. Noah couldn't help but wonder how Rachel and Quinn would react after the trial. He only hoped that they could bring them back from the places they buried themselves in.
Ten year old Noah ran his tongue along his teeth and reached to loosen his tie. It was cold outside and his mother made him wear a sweater over his shirt and tie. He felt like he was in a straight jacket. He couldn't move as easily as he wanted. He wanted a t-shirt. How did grown ups wear real shirts like this all the time? It wasn't comfy.
"Alright, Noah, you ready?"
He looked up and his uncle who was wearing a tie and a fancy shirt too was looking down at him with raised eyebrows. Noah wondered if he was comfortable. He gave a nod but he meant to give a shrug. He wasn't in the mood to talk. He wanted to change.
He leaned back suddenly when he saw his mother kneel down in front of him.
"Hey kiddo," she smiled, pretending that she hadn't just swore at Hiram in the hallway. Her eyes had tears in them. "You ready to go home? You did just great, bud."
"I don't like this tie," he said. "Can I change?"
Her smile melted slightly and Noah wasn't sure if he said something wrong. Her smile came back like it did when he or his sister did something wrong in public and their mother pretended that she wasn't mad.
"Sure, sure," she said hurriedly. "Let's go."
Noah wasn't sure what to say. His mom had her arm around him in the backseat as they drove back to her apartment. No one said anything. Not the driver. Not his uncle. Not his mother. Not his Pop-Pop. Or even his aunt Joey who always had something to say. No one. He wondered if his Nana had something to say. She was at home with Rachel and Santana.
He couldn't help but remember everything that he had to say in the courtroom. He didn't remember exactly what he said. He was sure what he said wasn't shocking to him. People shouldn't be so upset. He didn't know them and it didn't happen to them. It barely happened to him. He just knew it happened to his sisters. When he was little when Santana was still a baby he had a stuffed wolf named Balto. He used to carry it around all the time but especially when he was scared. One night Santana had a bad dream after watching Jumanji. She thought she was going to get sucked into a game and eaten by tigers. He gave Balto to Santana because that was what big brothers were supposed to do. Of course the next day Santana pretended she was a doctor and opened the hole that was already in Balto's neck and took out all of the stuffing and replaced it with chocolate kisses. Noah rolled his eyes. Sisters never knew how to appreciate nice things.
He didn't have Balto to hug anymore because his dad had to get rid of him. They had a burial ceremony, Noah remembered. All Noah knew was that after he finished what he was saying in the courtroom in front of the strangers, he wanted to hold something that made him feel better like Balto did.
He was led out of the car and into the building where his mom lived. He didn't notice that all the adults kept looking at him until they were in the elevator. They all kept glancing over at him and then looking away as if they hadn't been looking before. His uncle was whispering quietly to his mom. He didn't care and kept looking ahead. His mom lived way up on the top floor of the building. Sometimes he wished they lived closer to the ground. The ride wouldn't be that long then.
The doors finally opened and the house was quiet. Santana ran up to him and was asking him questions but he wasn't sure what to say because he wasn't sure what she was asking. He decided not to say anything but then everyone looked at him some more. His older cousins were sitting with Nana playing Sorry. He hated that game because no one was ever sorry in Sorry.
The family was still looking at him but he wasn't sure why. He frowned and remembered that he wanted to change and started toward his bedroom.
"Noah, do you want help?"
"Let him, be, Shelby," he heard his Pop-Pop say. So because his grandfather said something Noah felt like he didn't need to.
He pulled his tie off the way his dad had showed him. He pulled on his blue sweatpants that his grandma gave him for his ninth birthday. They had a hole, but Noah still loved them. Finally, he pulled on a long sleeve shirt from his hamper. He liked it better than his clean ones even though it had a stain on the elbow from where his sister spilt juice on him. He decided to wear it inside out. He passed his reflection in the closet mirror and paused. He stopped and looked at his hair. It looked like crap. It was all brushed. His mom had done it after she had tied his tie. He ran both his hands through his hair and fixed it. He started to walk out to the living room but paused.
It was nap time, he realized. He should check on Rachel.
He walked quietly to Rachel and Santana's room. Rachel slept alone during nap time only because they made a tape of Santana and his mom singing bedtime songs and stories to her. It only worked at nap time. It didn't work at bedtime though. He peeked into the room and Rachel had the blankets wrapped tightly around her and she was snoring softly.
Her monkey had fallen out of her bed. He walked in quietly and picked it off the floor and placed it back in her bed. She opened her eyes and looked at him tiredly.
She moved over quietly in bed and closed her eyes. "Stay," she muttered.
Noah was ten years old. He was a big boy and didn't take baby naps anymore, especially in Rachel's baby bed with the baby fences still on. But for some reason he was tired and for some reason laying with Rachel seemed to be a more fun thing to do than have his family stare at him. He pulled the comforter unceremoniously off of Santana's bed and the pillows and stuffed animals on her bed fell to the floor. He crawled into bed with Rachel and wrapped his arms around her. He had forgotten what was said in the courtroom but all he knew was that it was hard and lying with Rachel wasn't hard at all.
He closed his eyes immediately when he heard his mother walk down the hall.
"Where is he?" his mom asked in the same voice she asked when Griffin's lizard went missing.
"He's in here," Noah heard his uncle say. "Let him stay with Rach. See? He's already out."
"What if he …" Joey trailed off.
"He protects her. He just needs a break," his mom said.
"I want to lay down too," Santana whined.
"Leave your brother be," Joey stated. "Let's go play Nintendo, San. C'mon."
"I want to lay with Rachel and Noah. He never lays with her," she said again.
"Exactly," Noah heard his aunt say. "Let's go."
Noah remembered laying with Rachel until he woke up and when he did she was poking his face. Apparently he had been snoring. He caught himself wondering what Rachel and Quinn would need to hold after the trial and he felt a pang of jealousy and worry that they wouldn't need to hold anything at all.
...
Quinn looked around the room with a frown. She hated doctors offices. She hated how the tables were covered with paper. She hated that she would soon have to wear paper. She was pretty sure she hated paper. Doctors kill the environment she thought suddenly. She rolled her eyes. She had been spending too much time with Rachel.
"Hello," the nurse said coming into the room. "Found what I was looking for."
She was the same woman that had weighed her and taken her height. Quinn never thought that any adult would be happy that she was gaining weight but they were. the woman began to take her temperature and what not and Quinn couldn't help but think about how much more cooperative she was now than she was a few months ago.
Quinn was pissed. They had told her either go in an ambulance or she had to go in a police car. Being as her father and mother were both being put in police cars right now, she consented to the ambulance because she didn't want to be near them. She had tried to take it back and explained that she was in the park for a walk and she was fine. She didn't need anything. However, her drunk father had assumed that because he hadn't hit her, her mother hadn't either. When the police called her father's bluff and looked at her back everything went to hell. There were so many people asking her questions she didn't know where to begin. So many new people. Police officers. Paramedics. Even a social worker showed up. She heard that the social worker showed up in record time because of the situation. She couldn't help but groan.
Quinn hadn't been sure which weakness it was. If it was her exhaustion, her pain or her confusion, she didn't know. However, at one point she began to cry and the truth began to fall quietly out of her mouth. She had had no practice on saying what she said. It came out fragmented and almost unintelligibly. However, it had come out and now her parents were arrested. At least 10 strangers knew about her family and she was sitting in a paper gown at the hospital or at least she thought it was a hospital. It was a special center someone had said. There were pictures of animals on the walls. She hated animals. She sighed in defeat. She had just wanted to go for a walk.
She pulled at her gown. She should have protested more when they took her clothes. She saw the glances when she came out from behind the curtain as they were packing her clothes up. She had still been bleeding …. from after being with... her thoughts trailed off and she hoped that they thought she was on her period.
"Hello," a doctor said as they entered the room.
"I don't want to be here. I don't need to be here. I'm fine," she hissed.
"You're not," the doctor said, "and that's why you're here."
"Go away. I'm a minor you can't be alone with me," she said.
"Actually, I can but I can ask someone else to come in here with us," she offered in a kind voice, but Quinn couldn't hear the kindness through her own bitter wall.
"No," she hissed. "I don't need anyone else. I just want to leave."
"Can you tell me what happened?"
"Nope, because nothing happened," she snapped.
The woman sighed. "Okay, well, let's just start with your vitals. Can I listen to your heart and look in your ears and throat and nose?"
"No," Quinn stated simply.
"It's a routine exam and we can stop anytime you want. If there's nothing is wrong then this should go fast," the doctor stated.
Quinn frowned but didn't respond and someone how the woman took that as permission to approach her.
"Go away," Quinn snapped.
The doctor looked her straight in the eye to the point where Quinn felt uncomfortable. No one had ever looked at her like that. The doctor wasn't angry. her eyes were honest and a strange brilliant shade of green.
"I can't imagine how hard this is, Quinn, and I know that this is just the beginning of something that could potentially and most likely will change your life in more ways than you know, but you will get through this," the woman stated kindly.
"Shut up," she snapped back. "Leave me alone."
The doctor stood up straighter and looked at Quinn heavily. "I know that you want to take it back, Quinn, but you can't. Nothing will go back to the way it was no matter how much you fight it." She started toward the door. "Let me know when you're ready. You can't leave until you have an exam. Plus, you're here for at least the night until CPS can place you. You're not going anywhere. Let us know when you're ready. Just ring the buzzer."
The deflating of the blood pressure cuff brought her back to reality. She looked up and Shelby was giving her a small smile. That woman was supportive at all hours of the day and in all shapes and sizes. Quinn would hate it if she didn't need it so much.
"Alright, things look good," she stated. "I'm going to need you to change into this gown after I leave. I'm going to ask you a few routine questions." She didn't look up from the laptop that she was entering information in as she began to ask questions. "How many sexual partners have you had?"
Quinn felt a cold blanket of discomfort drape over her. She looked at Shelby. Why were they asking this?
"Two," she heard herself mutter.
"Date of your last period?"
Quinn couldn't remember. She shrugged. The woman still didn't look up.
"Do you remember the last time you had intercourse?"
Quinn could only shrug again. Of course she remembered. It wasn't going to be something she was ever going to forget.
"Could you be pregnant?"
"Okay," Shelby stated cutting the nurse off with a huff that Quinn knew she was pissed and meant business. "Can I speak to you outside, please?" Shelby asked.
"I'm not quite finished here," the nurse replied as she finally looked up from the computer.
"No, you are," Shelby stated quietly, indicating that she step outside.
The nurse looked at her with indignation.
"These are routine questions," the nurse said annoyed.
"I understand that, but Dr. Fernandez knew that we were coming. She should have informed you that is a sensitive case. Did you even read the file?"
The nurse sighed, knowing that she wasn't going to win with this woman. She nodded. "Alright. I'll let her know."
Shelby watched the young nurse walk away with a sigh. She understood that it wasn't the woman's fault but Quinn didn't need that crap right now. She sighed and headed back into the room.
"She was just doing her job," Quinn stated. "It's my fault that I was uncomfortable."
Shelby looked at her gently. "It's not your fault. Not in the least. She was brash with her questioning. Plus, there's no need to repeat it when the doctor will ask."
Quinn looked down at her gown. "... I'm going to change okay?"
Shelby nodded and pulled the curtain.
"Black Friday shopping was a bit insane," Shelby stated trying to talk about something casual.
"You don't strike me as the one that needs or wants to do Black Friday shopping," Quinn said behind the the curtain.
"It's more of a tradition. We don't really buy anything," Shelby said as she sat down in the chair.
"I don't get it," Quinn grumbled as she finished pulling on the gown but then couldn't tie it because of her stupid cast.
"I'll let you know when I get it," Shelby laughed.
Quinn chewed the inside of her lip. "Um... uh... "
"I was thinking that tying your gown might be hard with the angle," Shelby called. "Can I help?"
"Um... Please," Quinn sighed.
Shelby nonchalantly tied her gown. "You're doing great," she whispered as she kissed her softly on the cheek.
Quinn gave a nod because she couldn't look her in the eye. If she did, she would cry. The door opened and the doctor that came to the house came in.
"Hi, Quinn! Thanks for the wait," she smiled. She sat on the stool and opened the computer. I'm going to ask you some questions and then we can have a bit of talk okay?" She took a deep breath. "I received your test results," she said gently. "We'll clear this up."
The doctor began to ask Quinn a series of questions. She didn't want to answer them but caught herself staring at a freckle on the doctor's cheek and listening to her honest answers as they quietly exited her mouth. She couldn't look at Shelby as she answered questions about her period, or condoms, or pills, or the last time that she had sex. She had done so much with this woman. The woman had literally seen how deep her scars were, but still she couldn't look her in the eyes. Vulnerability sometimes required more humility than a person could offer. When it came time to do an exam, Quinn lay back and squeezed her eyes shut. She didn't need Shelby's kind eyes full of compassion and support. She didn't want that because she knew if she saw it she would cry. There was something about knowing that someone genuinely cared that broke something inside of her. Perhaps it was the reality that she has so long ago accepted, but she didn't know.
Quinn spread her legs and laid back as she attempted to pretend she was somewhere else.
She failed.
It hurt and it ached. She was uncomfortable and she couldn't stop the tears that were falling down her face.
She felt Shelby comb her hand over her forehead and into her hair and a sob escaped her lips.
"We're almost done, Quinn. A couple more minutes," the doctor said as Quinn tried to shut out the memories of her childhood.
After the longest couple minutes of her life, they were finished. The woman started to talk to her but she couldn't really hear anything. All she could focus on was the roughness of the paper that been draped over her. Why weren't things softer at the doctors office? She caught herself wondering. She felt a hand on her back and her eyes caught sight of Christmas decorations. She needed to get presents she suddenly thought with purpose. How would she be able to buy presents when she was grounded? She frowned again as her mind shifted over to the wonders of the specialty medical waste basket
"Quinn? Quinn?"
Quinn looked up and Shelby was staring at her, concerned.
"You can get dressed now."
Shelby pulled the curtain and Quinn wiped her face and got dressed in silence.
"I'm not stupid, you know," Quinn whispered. "I know what people say about me …. They read my chart and they think that they know me... They talk about me..."
"Sweetheart, people will always talk, you can't control that," Shelby said softly.
"That doesn't make me feel better," she mumbled. "I don't want their pity or yours. I just... I don't... I don't know."
She opened the curtain and pulled on her jacket.
"I... everything used to be about appearance and … it's hard to break that habit," she said with a shrug. "Especially when I can't …" she shook her head. "I don't know...I just I can't even pretend anymore. Everyone knows I was just a faker... They're talking about me as if i'm some bad cliche ..."
Shelby nodded piecing together what the young girl was trying to say. She pulled her into her arms and kissed her lightly on the top of her head. "You're so much more than what has happened to you, Quinn."
"You keep saying that but... I … But I'm not Quinn Fabray anymore. I'm just the girl who everyone thought they knew but didn't… I'm just... I'm moving in slow motion and I'm stuck all at once. Did …. Did the others feel like that? All this stuff... has happened... and I haven't even been with you for a long time. I'm... I …. don't feel the same. I don't feel like this is my life. "
"I guarantee it," she said holding her tightly. "Things hurt, Quinn. Thank you for coming and doing this. The doctor is right. You'll be fine if you take care of yourself and let me know if you feel any discomfort. You will always be Quinn to me. Figuring out who you are is a lifelong thing. I promise you though that it's not going to be this hard."
Quinn leaned into her embrace with a sigh.
…
Santana gave a heavy sigh. She didn't want to go and chat. She didn't want to talk about her feelings. Not one bit. She had been thankful that Quinn had returned from wherever she was and she was able to convince Quinn to go in and talk to Elyse as soon as Rachel got out. She almost had Noah agreeing to go in but then her grandmother starting making a batch of cookies and she lost her brother's attention. She was about to give an excused about food poisoning but her mother looked at her with a warning look that told her that there was no room for argument.
Her shoulders sagged and she walked into the room disgruntledly. She didn't think they were all that "severe" that they needed to talk to this woman as often as they did. Despite whether or not Friday was a regularly scheduled day, Santana didn't care; it was Black Friday. Apparently Elyse never took holidays.
She sighed and fell into a chair.
"Don't you ever take a day off?" Santana asked with a sigh as she sat down across from Elyse.
"Yes," she laughed. "I took yesterday off."
"Do you have other clients besides us?" Santana asked.
"Yes," Elyse said patiently. "I have a meeting this afternoon."
"And then you're taking the weekend off?" Santana said with a nod as if it were a demand.
"Yes, Santana," she stated. "What's with the interest in my off schedule?"
"It just feels like you have no life." She folded her arms more tightly. "Thanksgiving is a time to watch football. Do you like football?"
Elyse nodded again amused that Santana was asking so many questions about her. "I do. Why?"
"Because Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboys played yesterday and I watched them" she stated. "I assumed you did too."
Elyse laughed. "Did you guys have your annual flag football playoff?"
Santana nodded. "Quinn didn't want to play and mom said that she couldn't because of her arm, but yeah, we did. It was fun."
"I didn't realize you were a big football person," she said.
Santana shrugged. "I'm not just a cheerleader."
"I didn't say you were."
"My brother used to play hockey, but he got more into football because he and my dad used to play catch a lot and watched football..." she trailed off.
"Your father wa a big football fan," she stated.
Santana nodded. "Yeah, we all used to watch until bedtime on Monday nights. Noah and I always fought tooth and nail to stay up."
Elyse smiled. "What else happened since the last time we talked?"
"Well," Santana began. "Rachel and Quinn and I all sleep together in the same bed. I know... it sounds weird but we all keep each other company... Um... my cousins are home. Quinn went to a doctors appointment and I don't know why. Rachel is okay I think …. She's quiet though. She and Quinn have an appointment with a court therapist next week..."
"How's school for you?"
"Quinn was pulled from school. Brittany has a big math project. Who does that? Math projects?" Santana thought more deeply about what happened since she last spoke with her. "Oh, and my mom and my aunt and Nana went on their annual insane shopping thing." She thought for another few moments and then lit up. "Noah played an amazing game last week. Scouts came and he really blew them out of the water. He ran 302 yards rushing 104 yards receiving a kickoff return for a touchdown and a punt return for a touchdown."
"That is impressive," Elyse nodded.
"It is. We're really hoping he makes the right choice for school," she said with a shrug and her arms still folded.
"Anything else going on with you?"
"Nope," she said quickly, straightening with a smile. "Am I done?"
"No," Elyse stated. "I'm going to ask you something and just go by instinct."
"I have a feeling that I don't really have a choice in this," she stated folding her arms even more tightly in front of her.
"How do you define yourself?"
"Ummm...I'm Noah's little sister... and … Quinn's sister...and I think her best friend, though neither one of us will admit it. Brittany's girlfriend,"she blushed. She sighed thoughtfully. "...And Rachel's..."
"Rachel's what?"
She shrugged. "Just Rachel's." She nodded with affirmation. She would always be Rachel's.
"Can I tell you something? An observation." Santana's patented glare graced her features. Elyse continued nonetheless. "You never talk about you," she stated simply. "You have to be prompted in that direction, guided even, but you never talk about you voluntarily."
"I don't need to," she said with a frown.
"This is therapy for you, Santana. Not therapy for everyone else."
"I'm fine," she said. "I'm dealing with everything just fine!"
"Everything?" Elyse asked.
"Yeah," she shrugged. "Everything."
"What's everything?" she asked.
"Everything with that bastard and at school," she said. "I'm handling everything just fine."
"What do you need to handle?"
Santana scowled. "I am not going to let some jackass at school who slaps my ass bother me. I dealt with it. I didn't fight… and I left school with Quinn." Elyse paused but Santana was too busy still shaking her head to notice. "Plus the trial is coming up and I'm handing it just fine. Don't let what my mom tells you make you think that I'm not. I was just tired."
"What do you mean?"
"When I sat at the table yesterday and I was thinking about the trial … I was fine, I was just thinking," she said quickly. "Just... thinking..."
Elyse nodded. No one had mentioned anything about Santana at the table.
Santana continued to go on. "I was just thinking."
"Okay," she said. "It's fine to just think."
"I was fine," she said again. "I'm fine."
Elyse looked at her. "Okay. So I can ask you a question then?"
"Yes, because I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine!' she said with a frown.
"What is happening at school?"
"They think that they know me," she hissed. "Because I slept around before, they think I still want to, I can handle it though. I'm fine."
"They think that you still want to sleep with them?" Elyse asked.
Santana frowned. "Some people think that I'm not really a um... that i really like girls for real... Like I'm faking it because I … I did...I slept around a lot before..."
"That shouldn't matter. No one should touch you if you don't want to be touched," Elyse said.
"Thanks, Mr. Rogers. Is that what you tell all the kids?" Santana snapped. "I'm fine! I can handle it! I'm strong. I know how to fight them."
"Watch the attitude Santana," Elyes said. "You shouldn't have to handle anything. What's happening to you is sexual harassment."
"Oh shut up!" Santana hissed. "Don't throw labels around like that making it something that it isn't."
"What is it, Santana?"
"It is nothing," she said. She became very quiet again.
After a few minutes of silence the therapist spoke again. "Santana, do you remember what happened to you?" Elyse was looking at her in a way that told Santana exactly what she was referring to.
Santana frowned as she crossed her arms tighter over her chest. "What kind of question is that? My crazy ass stepfather kidnapped us and raped my sister," she spat.
"Santana, that's not what I asked," Elyse said calmly.
"And he beat the shit out of all of us," she shrugged.
"Santana, do you remember what happened to you?" she asked again.
Santana became silent for a moment. "Of course, I do," she finally whispered.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Do I fucking look like I want to talk about it? You can't just bring that up," she snapped. "You can't just point things out that are sexual harassment that aren't and say that I'm some victim when I'm not."
"I never said you were a victim," Elyse said. "But what happened to you, Santana... What Hiram did was terrible. Just as terrible as what he did to Rachel."
"Shut up," Santana said standing up. "I don't want to talk about this. I'm leaving."
"Wait, no where are you going?" Shelby asked as Santana reached for the door and her mother came in.
Santana flew her hands up. "Mom, I'm fine. This is crap. This is all crap!"
"Santana, calm down," Shelby said gently cupping her face feeling like her daughter would explode at any moment. "Look at me. What's going on?"
"She's terrible," Santana said with a sigh looking at her mother and leaning into her touch. "I … I 'm fine... and she's telling me all this other crap."
Shelby didn't break Santana's gaze. "Okay, San. Can we all talk about this together? What do you mean?"
"She's saying that what's been happening at school is sexual harassment and then she brought up Hiram and then... I just... I'm fine, Mom. I promise it's not that. It's not that at all!"
"Let's sit down, San," she said. "You can have conversations with Elyse just like you talk with me."
Santana instantly remembered why she didn't talk to her mother about what was going on at school. "Um... nothing... I'm fine now. You can go now..." she muttered.
Elyse and Shelby exchanged a look. "Santana, what you told me before, I have to tell your mom."
"What? That's not fair," she hissed.
"Santana, what's happening at school?"
"Nothing," she said again. She rolled her eyes as they continued to look at her patiently. "I skipped school with Quinn, but you know that already."
"Why did you skip it?" Elyse said.
Santana glared at her icily as if could turn the woman to stone. "Because someone slapped my ass," she mumbled.
"What? Who did?" Shelby asked.
"Mom, it's no big deal. I can take care of myself." She pointed at the woman. "She thinks that that's sexual harassment."
"It is," Shelby said calmly.
"No, it's not," she hissed as she stood up. "It's not. It's not. That's not it!" Shelby and Elyse exchanged a look. "It's not what that is. Sexual harassment isn't comments or … a soft slap on the ass. It's not!" She put her hand on her chest. "I know. I know what it is! And what happens at school...it's not that. Not at all."
"Santana," Elyse said with a soft tone carefully. "Sexual harassment and assault are different things."
Santana's gaze snapped at the woman and she opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out. She felt herself breathing hard. She didn't want to think about this. She didn't want to do any of this.
"I don't want to do this anymore," she mumbled. "Mom, I want to go."
"Santana, let's talk about this," Shelby said quietly.
"I don't want to," she said shaking her head.
"Okay," Shelby stated. "What do you want?"
"I want her to stop acting like what happened to Rachel happened to me too," Santana spit out. She looked at Elyse and at her mother. "It wasn't the same."
"I didn't say that what happened to Rachel happened to you," Elyse said cautiously. "I did say that it was just as terrible as what he did to Rachel."
"But it's not!" Santana spat. "It's not just as terrible at all... it is different …. it was completely different. I … I said yes..."
"Did you?" Elyse asked.
"I said yes because Rachel was in there and he would have done it to her if I didn't say yes..." she said quickly. She could barely feel the tears on her cheeks or the breaths aching to get out of her chest. She shook her head. "It … It's wasn't the same. He hurt her because I didn't say yes to everything..."
She was shaking. She was shaking and she couldn't see straight and it wasn't because of the tears. It was because of something else. She felt this blind rage that ached in her that she didn't know how to release.
Shelby saw her daughter beginning to feel anxious. She stood and pulled her into her arms, but Santana pushed her away.
"You think that too!" she realized. "You think that what happened to Rachel and ...Quinn is the same thing that … barely happened to me."
"Santana," Shelby stated quietly. "It was different but it was still terrible and hurtful." She agreed with Elyse.
"No, no," she shook her head. "That's not true." She stood up. "He went after her because I fought back too much... because of that one time I didn't say yes. How many times do I have to say this? I went into that damn room only five times and Rachel went every day." She was shaking. It wasn't the same. She could see that. "I've said this again and again and again."
"Santana, what's going on at school isn't okay," Elyse said again.
Shelby looked between the two suddenly realizing something new. "Sweetheart," she called "Santana, look at me." Santana did. "You blame yourself for what happened to Rachel."
"Of course I do!" she scolded. "Jesus!"
"Santana, when you started sleeping with those boys did you want to?" Shelby asked.
Santana scoffed with a shake of her head and she wiped your tears. "Are you serious? Are we really talking about this?"
Elyse and Shelby exchanged a look. "Did you want to? Did they force you?"
"No," she hissed. "Never."
"Why did you do it?"
"Why does anyone have sex?" she snapped "It feels good. I was with them because it was physical and it didn't matter!" She pointed her hand toward the door. "It will always feel good for me. It will be a BATTLE for it to feel good for them! I am fine! So if some dick slaps his hand on my ass then I can take it! I can take it!"
"Does it always feel good, Santana?" Elyse asked.
"Fuck you," she hissed barely above a whisper.
"Santana," Shelby said gently approaching her daughter. "What …. Did you ever feel like you needed to punish yourself... to hurt as badly as Rachel? …. or as Quinn?"
"What?" Santana barked. "No...I'm fine. What's going on at school is nothing."
"Santana, it's not fine," Shelby said. "Look at me, San."
Santana bit her lip and looked at her mother. She folded her arms across her chest. "I'm scared, Mumma...I can't let her down again."
"Sweetheart, you never did. She thought of you when she was with Will."
Santana frowned. "What?" she scoffed. "While I was outside running practice she was inside getting raped."
"She got away from him because you told her to go for the eyes," Shelby told her daughter softly.
"I know she told me … but it doesn't matter... she shouldn't have had to fight back," Santana said shaking her head and sitting in the lounge chair in the corner.
Shelby knelt in front of her. "But she did, San, she did because you taught her how to fight back and it saved her."
Santana searched Shelby's eyes. Had it? Had it saved her?
"No, no... she did... that... she..."
"You taught her, Santana," she said softly kissing her on the head. "All you."
Santana shook her head and felt a sob escaped her lips. She shook her head rapidly. "I'm fine, Mumma... I'm fine... " Her tears flowed. "It was never me."
"Santana, what happened to you was bad too. It was terrible and I need you to understand that. Maybe not today but eventually," she said. "allowing other bad things happen to you isn't going to make things better. I promise you."
"I'm fine," was all Santana could whisper. Shelby pulled her into her arms. "I'm fine."
Even though she said it, they all knew that she wasn't.
….
The family all gathered outside. The backyard of the Corcorans was so picturesque, Quinn admitted to herself. She just never really noticed. They were all dressed in the same colored shirts and were trying to coordinate with the photographer whose name Quinn believed was Lars.
"Alright, everyone we'll do the big group picture first and then we'll try to split off into smaller family units."
The man was giving directions to everyone and Quinn let herself get lost in thought. She had been barely given an opportunity to protest about being in the picture. However, as much as she didn't feel that she deserved to be in it, a piece of her really wanted to. She was proud to be in the picture.
"Alright, Dexter move a little to the left and Joey move over to the right. Santana, stop messing with your hair. Okay lean in. Everyone look at the lense. Okay. Smile."
It went on like that for about twenty minutes. Shifting, rearranging, smiling was all they did. Finally, it was their turn. It was the Corcorans turn. Quinn felt a strange flutter in her belly as she stood patiently with her hands on Rachel's shoulders. Santana stood next to her with Shelby next to her and then Noah behind all of them. Quinn couldn't help but feel misplaced. There was something that felt familiar about this that she couldn't put her finger on.
"Alright, smile on three."
Quinn smoothed out her dress.
"Stand up straight, Quinn," her mother barked.
The seven year old smoothed out her dress again and stood up straight. Her father leaned forward and sandwiched her head between his cheeks.
"Smile and be grateful," he hissed.
"Yes, sir," she said with a nod.
"Alright smile on three," the photographer called.
Perfection and grace. That's what they were trying to capture.
Quinn felt a deep pinch in her arm as she looked over and her sister Frannie was looking down at her with a grin. Her arm ached and she turned and glared at her sister who only pinched her harder and deeper causing her to elicit a small cry.
"Quinn!" her father scolded.
The seven year old looked at her sister but licked her lips and attempted to control her tears. Her father smiled a kind smile and asked, "Can you give us a moment?"
"Absolutely," the photographer nodded as he stepped out of the room. "I'll just be down the hall."
Quinn watched as the photographer left the room and they all waited for a few moments until they heard the door down the hall shut. Quinn visibly gulped as her father turned and glared at her.
"Come here," he hissed barely above a whisper. She looked at her sister and then back at him.
"I … I didn't...I didn't mean to..." she whispered.
Her father yanked her over to him and shook her by her arm. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
His voice wasn't loud. It was barely below his regular tone.
"I... I..."
"Bend over, Quinn," he spat. "Judy hold her." Her father flipped up her lavender dress and pulled down her underwear and tights. "Not a sound, Quinn."
Quinn felt as her mother held her forward with one hand and covered her mouth with the other. She received ten lashings for the cry that she let release when her sister pinched her. After the lashings, Quinn couldn't avoid the dull ache. Her father yelled at her about needing to smile once more and then they all returned to their spots.
The photographer came back into the room and her eyes were wiped.
"We're ready," Russell smiled.
The photographer had praised them and their family's photogenic nature, Quinn remembered. However, the result always haunted her. Everyone said it was such a lovely family photo, but Quinn could see the tears in her eyes.
Rachel leaned back against her and Quinn felt herself smile a little. She wouldn't cry for this photo no matter how many times she was pinched. A hand slipped into hers and she smiled knowing it was Shelby's. She smiled and laughed.
The photographer then told the four kids to get together per Shelby's request. Santana pulled Rachel onto her back and Noah pulled Quinn on to his and the four of them laughed as the photographer attempted to keep up with them as they keep changing into different positions. The photographer had the patience of a saint in Quinn's opinion as Santana and Noah continued to come up with outrageous poses. Nevertheless, there was a piece of Quinn that felt more home than she ever felt in that moment. That piece didn't question her place. It didn't question anything. It just knew that everything would be okay just in that moment. And she was so thankful because she had the photographs to prove it.
….
By the time the long weekend ended, the loud house was still loud. However, Monday brought with it the appointments with the court appointed psychologist. Quinn remembered that during more of her session with Elyse on Friday they talked about how shutting this person out wouldn't do any good to the case. Nevertheless, it didn't make her anxiety over the appointment any easier and she could see by Rachel's face that she was feeling the same way.
Quinn was first. She always was. She made sure to go in with her head held high so that Rachel didn't know she was scared. It wouldn't help if they were all scared.
A man was sitting in a brightly lit room waiting for her as she entered.
"Hello," he smiled.
"Why are you smiling?" she asked. "Are you looking forward to this?"
"Maybe not looking forward to it," he stated. "But did you want me to greet you by scowling?"
"I guess not," she muttered. "So what are you going to ask me?"
"Do you know why you're here?"
"To see if I'm fit to testify," she said.
"Do you think you are?"
"I'm not insane," she fired back.
"I didn't say that you were," he replied.
"A lot has just happened and they think that it would be too much for my sister and me," she said with a shrug. She watched as he wrote something down. "I call her my sister because I want to not because anyone is making me. They are more my family than my blood family was. Ever."
"Tell me about yourself," he began.
"Why? Don't you want to know about Schuester?"
"No," he said. "At least not yet. This is about you."
"My name is Quinn and I'm sixteen."
"How long have you been living with the Corcorans?"
"Since... um... since the end of September... after I was taken from my parents' home." She frowned. "I lived in a group home for a little while... but they didn't like me because I set off the fire alarm and as people were running out I turned on the backyard sprinklers."
"Did you think that was funny?" he asked.
"Sorta of," she replied. "But I knew it was wrong because I knew if I did that I would be sent away. I didn't want to stay there anymore."
"Why?"
"Have you ever stayed in a house full of girls?" she asked.
"Touche," he smiled. "Are you happy with the Corcorans?"
"Yeah, really happy," she said quietly "They're like the one perfect imperfect thing. You know?" She bit her lip. "When Rachel comes in here, don't make her cry, okay? She's tired and... Just don't."
"Okay. I will try my best. It's never a goal of mine of making people cry," he stated.
"Okay..."
"Quinn, do you think you're alright to testify?"
"I'm not professionally qualified to make that assessment. That's your job."
"But I'm asking you what you think," he pushed.
"I think that I'm... fine... but I'm scared of what they'll say about me," she whispered.
"What do you think they'll say?"
"That's none of your business."
"Okay," he nodded. "Can we talk about your father?"
"No," she said sharply. "We can't talk about my mother either... Well, Judy, I mean. We can talk about Shelby if you want to."
"Okay, tell me about her."
"She has the patience of a saint," she muttered. "She's great. and she's put up with me for so long."
"Are you a lot to put up with?"
"Yeah," she shrugged. "What is it that you really want to ask me about? Can you just ask it so that I can leave? I know that my testimony is important. It's important because Rachel can't remember," she began to ramble. "I …. I need to be in there. If Rachel passes this … test or whatever it is... and I don't... you need to fake it and pass me too."
"Why?"
"Because she needs me in there."
"Even though it'll be hard for you?"
"It'll always be hard for me," she said honestly.
"Well tell me more about what's hard for you."
"Why?"
"Because I think it'll help me get to know you a little better."
"This is Rachel's case you don't need to get to know me."
"Yes, I do," he pushed.
"No, you really don't."
"This is your case too. there are charges that he is facing against you."
"Like what?" she spat.
"Aggravated assault. Sexual harassment. Attempted rape-"
"I think you have it wrong," she said standing up.
"I do?"
"Yeah," she said. "Listen, I'm in here because of Rachel. Don't make her cry. I will tell you what I saw. I went to confront him and her stuff was on the floor. I went and looked for her. I was calling her name and I saw her underwear under his desk. When I got to the room he was buttoning up his shirt... Yeah... he pushed me up against the wall and he was... he was saying stuff... but I pushed him off of me and went to find Rachel."
"What kinds of things?"
"Sick things," she spat. She rethought back to that moment. "He said um... "
"You're not going anywhere, Quinn," he laughed. He shook his head with a cackle. He put his body in front of her to stop her. "I heard all about the fun you and Daddy had," he said with a smile as he stroked her cheek. She flinched away, but he grabbed the back her neck. He brought her face close to his and she tried to pull away. "You're going to ruin that family. You already have. Rachel's so damaged and they're going to look at you as the cause of that. They'll split the whole family up if you tell anyone. I won't tell anyone about this if you give me what I want. I can't ruin everything for you. You must keep this quiet. You owe me now. You owe me for silence." She looked up at him realizing that's how he must have threatened Rachel. He threatened to take her away. He leaned closer to her with a smile. "I will fuck you like your Daddy did," he hissed. She let out a sob as he pushed her against the wall. Her father used to be rough with her. She felt like she was a helpless child again. She felt stuck. He grinned in satisfaction. "You're a woman. I can't wait to feel you. Rachel struggled and cried too much and didn't even get wet," he taunted.
"Quinn?"
"He admitted it..." she said suddenly. "He said... that Rachel struggled and cried too much and didn't even get wet...and then he said.. um... that he would uh... 'fuck my like my dad did.'" She wiped away her tears frantically. "Are we done here?"
"Are you?"
"Yes," she replied.
He nodded. "Thanks for coming in."
"Whatever."
….
Rachel bit her lip and looked at her hands. They were very small. She had volunteered once at a literacy program and the child she was matched up with had the same size hands as she did. He was four... She had been 10 at the time. She frowned. She much had changed since last year.
"Rachel?"
She looked up at the man with the kind eyes. He reminded Rachel over her brother and sisters' friend, Mike. She knew that he was Asian. She wasn't sure what area he was from. She was humble enough to admit that growing up in Lima, Ohio, didn't make it easy for her to identify the difference between different countries in the vastly diverse continent. She felt ashamed of that.
"Rachel?"
"What?" she asked jumping slightly. She frowned. She couldn't learn if she didn't ask. "What is your ethnicity?"
The man smiled. "I'm Korean," he smiled.
"Do you live in Lima?"
He shook his head. "No, I live in Cleveland."
"Oh," she stated. "I was just wondering. I don't mean to offend you. Ethnicity or race shouldn't matter. I was curious because the continent of Asia is so diverse and people are quick to categorize all Asians into one ethnicity."
The man smiled. "I appreciate that, Rachel. Can I ask you what your ethnicity is?"
"Absolutely," she stated. "I'm … hmmm... My dad's parents were from... Puerto Rico and my mother's parents are...European... but Nana's parents were Jewish immigrants from the World War 1 and my dad's parents parents parents came here earlier than that around the Spanish American War at the turn of the century."
The man smiled, impressed. "You know a lot about your family?"
"I did a project on our heritage for my new teacher recently..." she frowned. "It's... It's good to know your past," she whispered. She sighed and looked at her hands again.
"Rachel," he began. "Do you know why you're here?"
She continued to look at her hands. "Yes," she whispered after a beat. He opened his mouth to speak but she stopped him by beginning to speak again. "Have you ever seen The Lion King?"
"Yes, it's one of my favorite movies," he smiled.
Rachel smiled back. "It's based on Hamlet, you know?"
"Maybe, but still, it's a great movie."
"That's based on Hamlet," she pointed out again.
"You're a very smart girl, Rachel," he stated.
"I know," she muttered. "Well, I'm asking you because... well, remember what Rafaki says to Simba?"
"Which time?"
"When he hit him with his walking stick," Rachel said.
The man nodded as he remembered. "When he tells Simba that even though the past can hurt you can even run from the past or learn from it."
Rachel nodded. "do you believe that?"
"I think it's different for every circumstance and every person," he said. "Rarely are things that simple."
Rachel chewed her lip. "My first grade teacher told my mom that I learn differently from other people."
"How so?"
"I …. I don't know. I take lessons and manage to follow instructions but still do it wrong." she looked candidly at the man. "I know why I'm here... andI know... that this isn't what we're supposed to talk about but... I just... I didn't learn the right lesson from my past... because I …. I didn't want to be scared of everyone..." she looked at her hands. "If I followed my instincts... I … I would never leave the house. Do you ever feel that way? Like you have to... do what's wrong for you to prove yourself right and everyone wrong?"
"Sort of," he answered. "Did you know what Mr. Schuester was doing was wrong?"
"I … I know now," she murmured. She shook her head. "It's hard to understand... It's hard to explain."
"He was my only friend," she whispered. "Everything seems... clearer... now that it's happened, but in that moment...I didn't think that about him... I didn't know that a person you knew could do something like that. I thought... Monsters... were monsters and you knew it... and good men …. were good men..." Rachel sighed. "My brother and sisters aren't the nicest people when you first get to know them... They're kinda like Venus Fly Traps and snap at you at first contact...But I know them and they're just guarded... They're such good people deep down...I understood that... behind hard on the outside and soft on the inside." She sighed. "I guess... I just... I didn't realize you could be the opposite too." She paused for a few minutes and then looked up. "You know?"
He nodded. "I do." He leaned forward. "Rachel, what do you remember about your last time with Mr. Schuester?"
The tiny girl squeezed her eyes shut. "I um... " She felt her breath in her chest get caught in the web of her anxiety. "I um … I get a little confused when I remember things about him."
"What do you get confused about?" he asked.
"I …. I remember stuff... like... I smell old diapers and get a strange feeling in my stomach like when you go over a hill too fast. I then... I remember the beeping noises in the hospital and... these beads I used to carry around. It was a bracelet my big sister gave me." She frowned. "I remember things weird like that."
The man nodded and wrote a something down. "But what do you remember with Mr. Schuester?"
Rachel took a deep breath. Breathe, she told herself. "He... he was standing in front of me...and...He... He told me I had an accident and that I needed to take off …. my...my underwear... but I didn't …. so he took them off for me and then he … pushed me down onto the desk...or maybe a wall...Wait, I think that was later...Things are kinda fuzzy there... Everything... everything happened so fast... and I … I was remembering other things too... I just... I know that …. he came after me... and was on top of me on the desk.. and then …. against the wall... and then on the floor... but I don't remember who I ….. how we got from one place to the next..."
"Can you tell me what else you remember?"
"I... he …. he touched me... from behind when i was over the desk and …. something was inside of me... you know..." she felt tears trail down her cheeks. "I...I … I … I don't remember what he put inside... I just know that he did...because it hurt … a lot...I couldn't see..." She took a deep breath. "I don't... I don't know how to help you."
"You're doing a great job, Rachel."
"No, I'm not," she muttered.
….
Brittany leaned back into Santana as they lay on the couch surfing through the channels.
"Your mom was really nice to let me come over," Brittany said leaning up for a kiss.
Santana leaned down and met her lips and smiled slightly. "Don't thank me yet. She's just here to talk to your mom about how she's going to pull me out from McKinley."
"What? Why?" Brittany asked.
"Because of that tap on the ass," Santana mumbled.
"Well, good," Brittany stated. "I don't want you to continued to get harassed like that."
"That's not harassment," she said quickly.
"It is," she replied.
Santana shook her head not wanting to argue.
"You don't have to prove anything to me, you know?" Brittany said taking the brunette's hand. "You don't have to pretend to be so tough." She kissed her nose softly. "I mean seriously. You are pretty great all by yourself."
Santana shook her head and smiled as she pulled Brittany back into her arms. "You're the greatest all by yourself."
Brittany pushed back against her and Santana hugged her close. They paused for a moment as they looked into each other's eyes. Santana suddenly felt oddly vulnerable and so she did they only thing she knew how to do. She reached up and pulled Brittany into a searing kiss. Brittany in turn pulled her closer and in that moment she knew that this was more than a kiss or an act of desperation. There was something there that the two of them had never truly explored before: Lust.
"Get a room," Quinn said as she passed through the living room. "You're in a communal space."
Santana pulled away and sat up abruptly. What was that? She felt herself get caught in her thoughts.
"Um..." Brittany began.
"We shouldn't do that in the living room," Santana whispered.
"Mom won't let the two of you be alone upstairs if she catches you doing that," Quinn said passing through again.
"Jealous, Q?"
"Eww," Quinn replied. "I don't want to make out with either one of you."
"Either one of whom?" Rachel asked sitting next to Quinn.
"Forget it," Santana muttered as the mothers came into the room.
"Santana, let's talk about some stuff."
Shelby, Brittany and Brittany's mother, Valerie, sat quietly in the kitchen. They began to talk about taking Santana out of school and the reality of what that meant. However, Santana wasn't there to listen. She couldn't focus at all. Something was eating at her and she couldn't put her finger on it. Her mother had been so careful and gentle with her since the session on Friday. She even allowed Brittany to come over but Santana needed to fix something but she wasn't completely sure what it was.
She could tell that Brittany could tell she was elsewhere because when the blonde finally left she held her in a hug for a few minutes longer than normal as if to try to bring her back to reality. Santana seemed to wake up from her stupor for a few minutes because she kissed Brittany lightly on the cheek and said that she was fine and that she would talk to her later.
Brittany's mother decided that Brittany would remain at McKinley for the time being even though Santana was being pulled out. Santana felt a lot of things for Brittany but she never felt worry. She knew in her heart that Brittany would be fine and that Valerie Pierce would make sure of it. It was a crusade that Shelby was more than willing to pass on.
"San?" Shelby asked putting her hand on her daughter's back. "You alright?"
"I'm fine," she said quietly.
"You wanna come and talk about it with me?" Shelby asked.
"No," Santana said quietly. "I don't want to talk."
"Okay," Shelby said cautiously. "Are you upset that I'm pulling you from school?"
"No," she said quickly.
"Are you upset that Brittany had to leave?" Shelby guessed.
"No," she said again just as quickly.
"Santana, what's going on?"
"Nothing," she mumbled. "I just feel …. very full..."
"Okay," Shelby nodded. "You and I can go for a run later if you'd like."
Santana nodded. "Okay," she shrugged.
Throughout this whole conversation she couldn't meet her mother's eyes. There was something that was simmering in head. Something that she had to fix that she couldn't put her finger on.
She gave a heavy sigh. "I'm fine, Mom," she said with more strength. "Seriously."
"Okay," Shelby said doubtfully but kissing her softly on the forehead. "I'm going to work on dinner. Stay downstairs with your sisters please."
Santana sat heavily on the couch. Rachel was asleep next to Quinn and Quinn was still idly watching the program on the history channel that Rachel was watching.
"I like the holidays," Quinn muttered. "Mom kind of keeps forgetting that we're grounded."
"Don't push it," Shelby called from another room.
"She also has hearing of a bat," the blonde sighed. "So you and Brittany were making out on the couch in the living room... that's kinda nice..."
Santana didn't reply.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I'm fine," she muttered.
"If you say you're fine one more time, I'm going to punch you into next Tuesday," Quinn said simply.
"Well, who's the violent one now?" Santana scoffed She sighed deeply. "I think that I want to go further with Brittany..."
"Because you genuinely want to or because you're afraid you have nothing else to offer."
"Well, you cut straight to the chase there... Thanks..." she grumbled.
"I know you're only thinking that you have to do that because you're feeling out of control," Quinn said quietly. "It's like a drug that you have to take, except it's not an actual drug. You either have to have sex with people or you have to fix people. It's your thing."
Santana narrowed her eyes and looked at her with a frown. "That's not true."
"Really? It's not?"
Santana turned away. "Whatever..."
"Santana, come back," Quinn called as the brunette stood and started to walk out of the room.
"It's fine, Quinn," she muttered.
"Come back here, please," Quinn called out. "I would chase after you but Rachel would wake up. Come here for a second."
Santana rolled her eyes and sat back down. "What?"
"You can't be mad at me."
"Why not?"
"Because even though you're doing that standoffish thing that you do, San, doesn't mean that you have to push me out," Quinn replied. "You don't have to offer sex or fix someone to be you."
Santana rolled her eyes. "Whatever."
"I'll tell you a secret," Quinn offered.
"Go for it," Santana replied.
"I admired you for a long time," the blonde said quietly.
"Why?"
"Because you never backed down from a fight no matter how stupid of a fight it was," she replied. "And... you picked yourself up when you could have just laid on the floor."
Santana looked at her for a moment. "When was that?"
"When wasn't it?" she countered.
They looked at each other or a moment. Each of them wasn't sure what to say. "Santana, you're a lot more than who you think that you are. You just … never give yourself a chance. Brittany makes you happy. You're just afraid of being happy because you're afraid that the other shoe will drop."
"Why are you telling me all this?"
"Because you've been looking like a lost toddler in Wal-Mart for the last three days," she said with a smile nudging her shoulder.
"Was not," she replied.
"Are you kidding me?" Quinn asked. "It was like living with zombie-Santana. Rachel put candy in your pockets and you didn't even notice."
Santana reached into her pocket and pulled out a handful of fruit snacks. "This isn't candy."
"Whatever. Rachel calls it candy." Quinn shrugged. "Listen …. I don't know what's wrong... but you need to try to figure out it, Santana."
"Isn't this the pot calling the kettle black?" she scoffed.
"I don't get catatonic like you do. You're starting to freak me out," she smile softly. "Just try okay?"
Santana nodded. "Sure..."
….
After dinner when Shelby went to go run with her daughter, she couldn't find her. Before she could ask, her question was answered.
"Why does Santana get to go in the tree house before it's finished?" Rachel asked.
Shelby stared out the window with a heavy sigh.
"Because she was able to climb it without permission," Shelby said turning to her youngest.
"At least it's not the roof," Quinn pointed out.
"Very true," she nodded. "How are the cards coming?"
"Do we have to sign our names on all of them?" Noah asked.
"Would it make sense to only sign your names on a couple of them? These are holiday cards. Try to show a little more enthusiasm."
"Let me go talk to her," Joey said quietly.
"I don't think she wants to talk, Jo," Shelby stated.
"Let me try."
Shelby watched from the window as Joey carefully made her way into the tree house that was still under construction.
"Mom, Noah is signing his name Puck. Do we have to redo those cards?" Rachel whined.
Shelby sighed and sat the table. "Noah, do we need to make this harder than it is?"
….
Santana arched her brow as Joey climbed ungracefully into the tree house.
"You don't need to come and check on me."
"Really? It's freezing and November and you're sitting in a tree. What are you doing up here anyway?"
"Thinking."
"About?"
"Nothing."
"Thinking about nothing. That's original, San."
They continued to sit in silence for a few moments and Joey was ready to throw in the towel and head inside.
"Do you think what happened to me was the same as what happened to Rachel?" Santana asked suddenly.
Joey looked at her for a moment and realized she couldn't remember one time when Santana had asked her about about this.
"No," she said firmly. Santana searched her eyes. "And yes," she said in the same tone.
"Well, which is it?"
"San, are you really looking for such specific answers after all these years?" she asked. "It's not that simple and you know that?"
Santana shook her head. "I guess …" she mumbled.
Joey looked at her for a moment. "Santana, what happened with you was a lot more different but it was the same too..."
"I don't want to talk about it anymore," she mumbled.
Joey moved over to the side of the tree house where Santana was sitting and sat next to her. "Okay." She looked at her for a moment before looking away again. "But we will, Santana, we will talk about this. We're not going to let you pretend it didn't happen anymore."
Santana leaned into her side. "Fine," she mumbled.
Sorry for the wait and thank you for your patience. Please let me know what you think.