Open Wounds

by 216BLT

AU: The past is the past. Puck, Santana, & Rachel Corcoran have moved on from theirs, but when their mother decides to take in a teen, old memories resurface. Also, new scars are made as they navigate through adolescence, ones that might not heal.

60. Chapter 60

Chapter 60

NinjaGleek21 - I'm happy that you liked the chapter! I loved Rachel's attack on Sugar. I like that you liked the interaction between the siblings. :) I always love writing them. I hope that you enjoy this chapter :)

EleanoRambaldi - I am so glad that you found the story but I am sorry I kept you up all night reading it - one of my betas and I love your stories so she was over the top when you reviewed this. Sorry for being evil but I am glad you enjoy it. Thanks so much for the review.

look4me - I am sorry you find Rachel annoying. She is very intelligent and sometimes comes across the wrong way but Rachel only has love in her heart, she only wants what is best for other people and she has been through so much trauma in her short life that normal every day coping skills are not there yet. Quinn and Shelby have a very special bond that will last forever. The trial is approaching fast and will cause issues for everyone. Thanks for the review.

Abbie - Protein shakes are the most appetizing but Quinn and Rachel will be on them for awhile. They provide the nutrients that they two of them need to get better. It is a challenge for the two of them to get what they need in a day so this is the best way. Thanks for the review.

purplemonkey23 -Thank you so much for your review. It makes me very happy to share this story with people and when I see that I have new readers I feel blessed. I am glad you are enjoying it. You will see some more of Noah in this chapter. Noah is an amazing brother and I love writing him.

Brittanyismyunicorn - Thank you so much for your kind review. We get a glimpse more into Shelby's head in this chapter. She is an awesome mom but she is also human. I too have been eagerly awaiting the trail and I am so sorry it's been taking me so long to get there. I too am a sucker for the sister moments. lol Yeah, it is Sugar but Santana is also on edge because of the holiday season

zuperkt - what an incredible honor! However, that would be a lot of printing. I've been told that right now Open Wounds is approximately the length of the first five Harry Potter books. Thank you so much for reviewing and loving the story!

Durant'sCry - My heart is forever shattered for these girls. Thank you so much for seeing them as they are: broken but really trying and conflicted, angry and sad. The trial has a lot of potential for hitting them hard. I'm bracing myself for it.

Joanne - thanks kindly for your review. I understand that it feels like lots of one on one time with Quinn and Noah, but I'm really trying to space it out. I do too, love Shelby and Rachel. Thanks for still reading even though you're not a Quinn fan. :)

LupitaTequila13 - I'm sorry that I brought you to tears. However, I'm not sure if this update will give you relief. Thank you so much for you comments. They mean so much. I'm sure I'm much less than brilliant but your words mean so much.

fanofyourstory - funny you mention Rachel's asthma. It's definitely coming back and has not been forgotten. Right now Rachel is pretending that she's fine. Thanks for reviewing :)

sleaglee - thank you for loving the story! hope you like this chapter!

Ryoko05 - I'm happy you liked/loved this chapter. While Shelby is super mom in so many ways, she is also human. This chapter really delves into it more. I've really tried to highlight her character as not just a loving mother but one that has a hard time asking for help. It's going to be a rough road for them. We saw a little into Shelby's head when Will was on the loose and how out of control she feels but as you'll read here, Elyse really struck a nerve and it's having big ripple effects. Thank you so much for affirming and supportive words. Thank you for recognizing that there is so much under the surface plot that I have to write. I know that we're all eagerly awaiting the trial too but i also want to do it a specific way. Hopefully it'll suffice. Thank you again, friend.

Cookie07 - Lol. You're not "supposed to" like or dislike any characters. I'm simply portraying the characters as I understand them. Sugar has genuinely good intentions, but her execution isn't perfect. She does have a little piece of my heart. I agree she is misguided but hilarious and I have no doubt that her little heart broke when Rachel told her they weren't friends. Perhaps that will be revisited in this chapter (wink wink). Rachel's outburst was a mixture of hilariousness and red-flag-esque. Elyse's worst case scenarios will be more explored her. What Elyse was trying to say is that not everything is in SHelby's control. We'll see where that takes the characters over the next few chapters. Needless to say that all that's coming will not be easy. Thank you for always reviewing and your kind words as well as your commitment to these characters.

Renata - Hi friend! lol Ms. Talented. You're so kind. The girls are certainly making huge progress. You're right in your assessment of all of the girls. Very very right. Thank you so much for your kind review as always. I hope you like this chapter.

IMHO - I'm so happy you loved it. Shelby and Quinn's talk broke my heart too and the fight made me laugh. Noah and Shelby's talk kinda ran away from me but was funny lol. Sometimes, the characters write themselves. I'm grateful that you think that the pace is perfect. You certainly do not heal from this abuse overnight. I'm excited to see what you think of the sequel too. Shelby and your anger is legitimately placed at Elyse, but Elyse is telling us something we don't want to hear in that perhaps Shelby cannot give the girls everything that they need. I also agree that the girls weren't ready for that conversation with Shelby at the end, but neither was Shelby and that will have its effects in this chapter and chapters to come. Thanks for your kind review :)

marinka4 - I cannot wait for the holidays too. However, per usual I cannot write a fluffy holiday chapter. Sorry if this doesn't meet your hopes and dreams. Don't worry the trial is coming, I'm impatient for it too. I appreciate you waiting so long for it. I hope you like this chapter!

Guest - Not necessarily. Quinn and Rachel will be testifying but it was recommended that Rachel didn't testify. The trial if it goes as i have planned will be a clusterfuck. sigh. we'll see what happens though when I finally write it. Thank you for your kind review!

Sarah11650 - thank you for your review! I am also looking forward to the trial. I'm sorry that it's taking me so long to get there. I appreciate your patience.

Scout88 - I love your reviews for so many reasons but most of all because you write them as you read them. I'm still juggling with Santana and Quinn's future at McKinley. We will see what happens. It's not only that Santana just doesn't care about cheerleading, she isn't sure what she feels about anything. Santana is having a hard time in a series of areas and I'm trying my best to portray that more. Let me know what you think. The trial is going to be tough as you know but we will see what happens. I've geared you all up for it and my little notebook and docs have so many notes, but we will never know the beast that is the trail until i really begin to write it and get into the heads of the characters. Shelby and Elyse both had valid points. Shelby cannot do everything on her own, but that doesn't mean she should expect the worse, especially when she's lived it. I'm sorry that I put you in tears. Quinn came from an affluent family but certainly every gift had a purpose. That scene was purposefully placed because of christmas. Rachel really does need a friend her own age, but sadly Sugar is all she has right now. The last scene was heartbreak and unplanned, but needed. Both your and my fingers are crossed. The sequel... well, sequels... right now are kind nuts. I'm worried how they will be received and I keep exploring the characters more. It's going to be a rollercoaster that's for sure. Thanks as always for your long and kind review! I always look forward to them!

leamicheleisawesome - Thank you! I hope you like this chapter!

Lolathe17th - Noah is certainly a bit inconsistent, but he's still the little boy that shoved a chair out the window and sprinted for blocks to the police station to save his sisters. He loves his family and always puts them first. Lol it was certainly a funny fight. I was laughing with Quinn too. Shelby never plans to send the children away, just like she didn't plan it with Noah, but sometimes it happens. I hope that this update was fast enough. Thank you so much for being so awesome!

Jwilson18 - Thank you so much for the review. The Shelby/Quinn scene was incredibly sad. I really enjoy writing it. The ending was sad too but there is more to come and it's difficult for anyone to predict what happens with the kids...However, I know no matter what they will never give up on each other. We will see what happened. I hope you like the sequel but of course, I need to finish Open first. I guarantee what I have planned thus far for the sequel looks to be like a rollercoaster in the least.

croque - Thank you for the review! I loved the talk between Quinn and Shelby too!

Author's Note: I know that I've been tempting you all with the trial for so long. I'm impatient for it too. I'm definitely getting to it and it's expected to be in the next chapter, but as you know I'm a perfectionist and I've been trying to do my best to mold and shape this story around this family with such tender loving care as possible. Additionally, I want to let you all know that you shouldn't expect a written version of Law and Order for the trial chapter. I am very focused on the concept of experience of the trial rather than the trial itself. I am more interested in getting ready to go to the trial and its aftermath, rather than the action in the courtroom. It's a process and I'm fascinated for focused on that process. Thank you so much for your patience and your continuous support.

On my tumblr, I posted a link to a screen play of Open Wounds by Allythewriter (allythewriter(.)tumblr(.)com.) She did a fabulous job! You should check it out.
You can find it at allythewriter(.)tumblr(.)com/post/41958271606/open-wounds-tv-pilot-script or
(( ))kvisit(.)com((/))S1oTZAg

Also, please check out my Tumblr where I've posted the trailer for Open Wounds and its sequel. SO AMAZING! Don't worry I won't be starting the sequel with a great deal of attention until after Open Wounds is completed. :)

Thank you so much for your patience!

...

Shelby sighed and looked at Patrick. She wasn't sure where to begin.

"So," she said with a smile.

"So," he replied back. "It's Christmas time."

"Yes," she said with a slight smile. "Two weeks left or something like that?"

"Do you think the reason why you're here is the same?" he asked.

She gave a nod. "Yes, I think that I still need to be here. Christmas is hardest and that's why I originally started coming to you."

"I remember," he nodded. "Christmas is what brought up all of those memories. Does it still?"

"Yes and no," she said. "It's more like a feeling that I always get."

"What kinds of feelings?"

"Like I forgot something," she said almost without a beat. She thought for a moment. "It's that feeling that you get when you leave the house and you're not sure if you locked the door."

"Like you left something behind?' he asked.

"Yes," she said distantly. "I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up one day and those feelings will be gone. Perhaps I won't trace my thumb on my ring finger and I won't have to remind myself that I took off the rings years ago. I know this isn't healthy and that's why I'm still here..."

"And you tried dating?"

"It's just too much for the kids right now and..." she trailed off.

"And what?" he asked.

She met his gaze. "I can't help but compare him to Leroy. I know it's wrong, but the whole time I'm thinking of how Leroy would make a snide comment or judgement about the person."

He sighed. "How about friends?"

She gave him a slight glare and roll of her eyes. "Did you just ask me if I have friends?"

"Do you?" he asked.

She gave a laugh but then saw that he was staring at her, patiently waiting for an answer. "Yes," she deadpanned. Patrick arched his brow. "Well, not close friends. I don't have time for close friends."

"Maybe you should make time, Shelby," he offered.

"Have you looked at my life lately?" she laughed. "My social calendar isn't really my priority."

"If you can't let a friend into your life, Shel, how do you expect to let a lover into your life? You know as well as I do that he's not coming back. You're the one that has the ability to make your life a tragedy. Set expectations, Shelby. Set goals. In ten years... in twenty years where do you see yourself." He searched her eyes carefully. "Maybe start with casual dating. Instead of looking for a future. Search for something better." He paused against as if he was considering something that he didn't know that he could say. "Have you considered going to a support group?"

"I won't help those people in those groups, Pat. I'll make them think, Crap, in ten years, I'll still be pining? I'll be the pathetic one."

"Do you think you're pathetic?" he challenged.

She swallowed and met his gaze for a moment and then looked away . "What else am I? He's not coming back and I still … I still sleep on my side of the bed."

"Having room for him still in your life is different from saving room for him in your life."

"Is there a difference?" she asked quietly.

"Try making little steps. After things calm down, try to find more things to do on your own."

"It's not about me, Patrick," she urged. "My social life is not my priority."

"Didn't you tell me a few weeks ago that Rachel was asking Noah to move on so that she could?" Patrick asked.

Shelby stared back at him with conflicted anguish. "It's different. I'm their mother."

"Is it different?" He leaned forward and rested his forearms on his legs. "I'm not asking for you to change who you are, Shelby, I'm asking you to try to move forward. And honestly, it sounds like they are too. You're not leaving them behind for having a life. Do something you love again... maybe give lessons? You don't have to start this instant but maybe make a list of ideas. Just think about it?"

She gave a slight scoff. "I … I will try after the trial," she stated, shaking her head.

"I saw the girls out there when you came in," he said as he nodded toward the door.

Shelby shook her head and gave a subtle shrug as she emerged slightly from the vulnerable shell he has coaxed her into. "Yeah, we're doing errands after this. I'm trying to get them more out of the house." Patrick arched his brow. "And my sister is at work and my mother has a migraine and my brother-in-law was driving to the airport to pick up my father, who stayed in Florida for a few extra days. The three of them are fine together now. I realized they were getting antsy in the house."

"No more fighting?"

Shelby shook her head and knocked on the wood table. "Nope. They're fine. I just don't want them staying home alone. I know it sounds silly because San and Quinn are sixteen-"

"But given the circumstances," Patrick finished. "Anyone would understand. And how is the trial going?" he asked with a heavy sigh.

"How do you think?" she looked toward the closed door where the girls were waiting on the other side. "We're all on edge but … We'll see."

She became quiet as she rethought her statement.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Elyse thinks that we might have to get the crisis teams involved or check them into facilities if things go wrong," she said quietly.

"And what do you think?"

She shook her head. "I don't think that any of them would be able to deal with that. They won't see it as me helping them. They'll see it as me abandoning them." She looked at her hands. "I wouldn't be able to handle that."

"But you're not," Patrick said. Shelby looked up at him

"That's not the point," she said. "The point is that it'll do more harm than good." She looked at the clock. "See you next week?"

He nodded. "Shelby," he called when she reached for the door. She turned with a sigh. "Take care of yourself."

"I am," she said quickly. "See you next week."

She walked out into the waiting area and Rachel was leaning back into Santana from the older girl's lap and Quinn had her head rested on Santana's shoulder as Santana flipped through a magazine for all of their viewing.

"This completely looks like homework," Shelby said with an amused grin.

"It is," Rachel said. "We're comparing how different forms of media portray different celebrities."

"Yeah, yeah," Shelby rolled her eyes as she grabbed the girls' coats from the rack. "You can continue your research later. Let's get out of here."

Christmas shopping was certainly not her favorite thing to do and with four children, two nephews, parents, a sister and a brother-in-law, it wasn't an easy task to accomplish. Last year, Noah, Santana and Rachel went shopping on their own, but … Shelby frowned. Perhaps she was being too protective. Actually, she knew she probably was. Tough shit, she told herself.

"Mom, can Quinn and I go and pick out a presents for you and Rachel?" Santana asked as they pulled into the parking lot.

Quinn opened her mouth to speak but Santana elbowed her.

"Maybe," Shelby said. "However, I want us to start as a group first. Remember, we're here to shop for everyone else."

"I… I…don't have any money," Quinn stated.

"Mom's going to pay for it," Santana said.

"You buy everyone's gifts?" Quinn asked as she turned to look at her.

Shelby rolled her eyes. "Yes, I guess you can say that. You kids are expected to not exceed twenty dollars on any gift for anyone. I expect you all to make something for everyone in the family. Santana, please don't make something snarky for your cousin like you did last year."

Santana folded her arms with a huff. "It wasn't that bad of a gift."

"Mumma, I have twenty dollars," Rachel called from the back seat.

"I think I have some money too at home," Quinn stated, but then trailed off as she started to calculate in her head how much money she would have to spend if she bought everyone something.

Shelby pulled into a parking space. "Remember, guys, you're not obligated to buy anything. A simple card -"

"Can be as special as the most expensive diamond," Santana and Rachel sang back to her. Santana with a roll of her eyes and Rachel with an affirming smile.

Shelby gave Quinn a thoughtful look, trying to silence the girl's obvious worry that was gracing the blonde's features.

Rachel bit her lip and looked at the crowded parking lot. She leaned forward and rested her chin on the back of her mother's seat. "Can I wait in the car?" she whispered.

"How will you help us from the car?" Shelby asked as she climbed out of the car.

Rachel leaned back in her seat as she set her jaw in thought with a tilt of her head. Shelby opened her passenger door causing her to jump as Quinn and Santana climbed out the other side. Shelby took her hand gently.

"I'll be with you the whole time," she said softly as she kissed her lightly on the head. "Remember we talked about this and this was your idea. All four of us will be together. You can help me push the cart. It'll be fine."

Rachel gave a nod. "Yeah," she mumbled. "It'll be fine."

Shelby nodded and squeezed her hand as they walked toward the store. "Yeah, it will be."

Rachel was glued to the cart and glued to Shelby as they wove up and down the aisles of Target.

"Santana, we are not getting Noah a power drill," she called out to the girl who has grabbed the countless thing off of a random shelf.

"I think it would be a fun gift," Quinn stated and receiving nod of approval from Santana.

"I thought so," Santana said with a smile.

"Is it less than twenty dollars?" Shelby asked for almost the millionth time that visit.

Santana rolled her eyes. "Fine. I don't know what we're getting everyone."

Quinn rolled her eyes and chose to go a more practical route. "Did he ask for something?"

"Earphones," Rachel called from the cart. She was standing on the bar of the cart and holding on to area where you pushed, her mother's hands were on either side of her body. "The ones with the little 'b' on the side."

Shelby looked at the girls for guidance.

"We can't get those here, Rach," Santana stated.

"Oh," she said as she leaned back against her mother.

"Rach, as light as you are, it's hard to push the cart and you when you're leaning back into me," Shelby stated, nudging her up to lean more on the cart than on her. "Girls, while you're here, let's get any toiletries you need too please."

They turned into the toiletries aisle and Santana stared at the tampons as if she were making a huge life decision. Rachel climbed down from the cart and stood next to her sister, trying to decipher what she was looking so closely at.

"Quinn, you finished the medicine for -" Shelby started quietly only to have Quinn glare at her with a mixture of mortification, anxiety and despair. Shelby leaned closer to her and rubbed her back, hushing her softly. "I'm sorry. Have you started your period yet?" she asked even more quietly.

Quinn just stared back at her for a beat and then her eyes darted as Santana talked to Rachel about the difference between Playtex Pearl Tampons and Tampax as Rachel looked at her with a confused tilt of the head. Quinn tried to recall if she had been regular since she... Her thoughts trailed off. She didn't want to think about when she was responsible for someone other than herself and she failed. She remembered the doctor telling her a few weeks ago that after the... she couldn't even say it in her head... After that cleared, she was supposed to be regular again. Quinn continued to avoid Shelby's eyes.

"Quinn?" Shelby asked again. The blonde looked up at her. Shelby continued barely above a whisper. "You need to tell me when you start. Why don't we get you some stuff for when you start?"

Quinn still didn't respond but silently grabbed a box of tampons and put them into the cart as Santana returned to the cart with Rachel. Rachel climbed back onto the bar as her mother continued down the aisle.

"I'll never need those," Rachel said quietly to her mother.

Shelby sighed. "Yes, you will, bug," she said quietly kissing the top of her head. Rachel leaned back against her again, this time Shelby didn't protest.

"How about this?" Quinn asked pointing to a blender. The family looked at her confused. "He drinks Rachel and my shakes maybe he can make them for himself in college..." It was as if when the words left her mouth that she realized that she sounded ridiculous.

"Okay," Shelby said as she rested her chin on the top of Rachel's head. "Why don't we go get some stocking stuffers?"

Her voice was quiet as she watched Santana watch Rachel. Rachel had stopped "believing" in Santa Claus few years ago, much to Santana's disappointment. It was just another piece of childhood that Santana felt like she couldn't preserve. Rachel was almost indignant about the let down. Rachel couldn't wrap her head about it. She didn't understand the lie behind Santa. She knew that all parents didn't mean to lie to children... but they did. To make them think there was a Santa? and bad things didn't happen? She always asked these questions, but they were louder during the holidays. Nevertheless, she was a grateful that he wasn't real because then that meant that he wasn't sneaking into the house at night.

"Mumma, Quinn doesn't have a stocking," Rachel whispered.

Quinn's head snapped up. "I don't... I don't need one. I-"

Santana rolled her eyes. "Oh, stop."

Quinn shot her a glare.

"Quinn already has one," Shelby said as she guided the girls toward the candy aisle.

"What?" Quinn asked.

"Nana is almost finished yours," Shelby said casually.

"Nana made all of ours, Quinn," Rachel said with a beam of proud.

Quinn looked at Shelby but the woman only gave her a nod and a calm smile. "Alright, we usually do a mixture of candy, fruit, and little stuff. Of course, I'll take care of most of it."

The blonde stood there looking at the selection of things. She was getting a stocking. She blinked a few times and let it sink in. She was getting a stocking. She couldn't help but smile a little.

….

Rachel leaned against Santana's side quietly.

"I think I need to tell her that I'm sorry again," she said as she looked out the window as Sugar sat in the backseat with her arms folded as Holly talked to her with the door open.

"Why?" Santana asked as she followed Rachel's gaze and then looked back at her. "You apologized to her already."

Rachel looked up at her. "Sort off," but she's really sad about it. Look at her. She doesn't even want to get out of the car," she said pointing toward the window.

"It's probably not about you," Santana assured as Holly came through the front door with her things.

"Well, Sugar doesn't want to come inside because she's still mad at Rachel," Holly stated as Shelby took her things.

Rachel glared up at her sister as if to say "I told you so."

Rachel stood and walked into the entryway, not noticing that she interrupted the conversation between Holly and her mother simply by her presence.

"Yes, Rach?" Shelby asked with quiet amusement.

"I believe that I can get her to come inside," she said with a slight sigh.

Shelby arched her brow. "You would like to try?"

Rachel gave a slight nod. "I would like to try," she said quietly. "I am the one who made her upset."

Shelby searched her daughter's eyes for a moment. "Alright. Want me to walk you out?"

The eleven year old gave a nod. "Please."

When they arrived at the car, Sugar was frowning as deeply as she possibly could. When she finally saw Rachel standing at the window bundled up in her coat, she tried her best to frown even more deeply but her face would contort how it wanted.

"I do NOT want to speak with her!" Sugar stated in a huff.

"Please," Rachel asked as she tapped on the window. She continued in a louder voice. "My mumma will wait right here outside the car. She doesn't trust me in cars alone."

Sugar rolled her eyes. "No," she said with a bark. "I don't want to do that. We are not friends."

"I will talk to you through this window, but it's so silly and preposterous, but I will!" She rubbed her arms and looked at her mother to give them a moment. Shelby concealed her smile and gave a small nod and walked a few feet away.

"I'm sorry," Rachel called through the glass. She groaned at the face that she was speaking to through glass. "Sugar, please, this is silly. I don't want to speak with you through a window."

Sugar folded her arms. "What are you going to say?"

"I going to say I'm sorry. I don't know how to be friend, but I want to try," she said. "I know what I said was mean. I said it because I was angry about stuff but not at you and making you feel badly was all I could do-"

"That's stupid!" Sugar snapped.

"I know," Rachel said sincerely. "You just say stuff that's on your mind and you never think about how it'll affect other people."

"You just told me you did the same thin," Sugar snapped back.

Rachel frowned. That was true. "Well... I …. um...Okay..." she sighed.

"I'm still sad that you said what you said. We have to be friends... If we're not friends, hen we don't have any friends," she said simply.

"That's not true," Rachel protested.

"It is," Sugar said. "You don't have any friends either."

"I do too! Kurt is my friend."

"His brother was mean to your sisters in a grown up way that my aunt won't tell me so that usually means it involved sex." Shelby's head turned slowly to the conversation. Sugar continued and the train continued to drive out of control and was teetering as if about to derail. "You can't be friends with him by association. Plus," she continued casually. "You didn't have any friends and that's why you became best friends with your teacher and he hurt you."

Shelby's head shot up at Sugar's words. She watched Rachel carefully. She became extraordinarily quiet and still. Sugar lacked tact. She didn't realize what she said had not only hit a nerve, but hit Rachel hard. Rachel seemed to shrink next to the car. Shelby opened her mouth and was about to approach but Rachel finally spoke.

"That's true," she mumbled. "But that was mean too."

"But it's true," Sugar argued.

"But it's mean too," Rachel said tearfully catching her eye. "I'm sorry for what I said to you and I hope you're sorry for what you just said to me."

Sugar looked at her slowly and her frown melted away. "Maybe we don't know how to be friends," she said quietly. Shelby almost missed what she said.

Rachel shrugged. "Maybe... but we can try..."

Sugar watched her for a moment and the girl reached out and opened the door. "You can sit if you want to."

"I would rather sit inside," Rachel replied as she wiped her eyes.

Sugar sighed. "Me too..." she finally said.

….

"What are we doing?" Quinn asked from behind Santana.

"We're watching thing 1 and thing 2 have a conversation," she stated simply.

Quinn watched Rachel stand outside the car door and speak to Sugar. "If they become obnoxious friends, I'm going to need a lot more to get through these tutoring sessions."

"Preach," she said as she collapsed on the couch and Quinn followed.

"Maybe they'll have a fight and then Holly won't have class," Quinn stated.

Santana scoffed. "Yeah, right."

Bear walked into the living room. "Being productive as always, girls?" he asked with a chuckle.

He began to quietly move the furniture in the corner.

"What are you doing?" Santana asked.

"Seriously?" he asked with a smile.

Santana's eyes darted. "Uh... yeah..."

"I'm getting the tree tonight, San," he said casually. "Remember?"

Santana blinked a few times. "Right," she said quietly. "Forgot..."

He nodded. "Okay," he nodded. "Are you-"

"I'm fine," she snapped as she avoided her uncle's eyes. She loved Quinn but rehashing her feelings about Christmas. It wasn't Quinn. She didn't do that with anyone.

"Do you girls want to come?" he asked.

"We're grounded," Santana said quickly.

"Maybe your mom will let you come anyway," he started.

"It's fine," Santana said quickly. "Noah might want to go. You can go." She nodded to Quinn but appeared to slowly disappearing into herself.

Everything around her seemed to get very quiet. It wasn't as simple as Christmas was perfection at one point and then it stopped. She wasn't the typical Scrooge. She loved Christmas because it reminded her of him, but she hated Christmas because it reminded her of him. Nothing was simple in her life. Not anymore.

She gripped his hand hard as they wove through the lot.

"This is the challenge, Taz," he said as he walked through the parking lot.

"What is?"

"The best tree means a happy Christmas," he said.

"Christmas is always happy, Dad," she smiled. "Mumma says that Christmas is special because we're all together, but we're all always together." Santana narrowed her eyes. "Is this because it's your first Christmas without Mumma?... and we're not all living in the same house?"

Leroy stopped and looked at her. "I want this Christmas to be great and I know it will be."

"Then why are we looking for the best tree if we already will have a happy Christmas?"

He sighed. "You're a smart kid." He led her over to a bench. "You know why I love Christmas?"

"Because you get presents?"

"No," he laughed heartily. "Because it inspires people. Christmas is magic, Santana."

"No, it's not," she frowned. "Santa isn't real."

"How do you know?" he challenged.

"Because he can't deliver all those presents in one night," she said obviously.

"How do you know?"

"I just know," she said. "It's just not possible. Christmas is about being nice and sharing and being nicer than normal."

"That's not magic?" he smiled.

She scowled at him. "Daddy, I'm six... almost seven. You don't have to lie to me anymore. I only pretend to believe in Santa because Noah still does."

"That's nice of you, San," he laughed. "But I think magic exists everywhere, Taz."

"No, it doesn't," she said getting frustrated. "You don't live in my house anymore and you married someone that's not nice."

He sighed. "You haven't even reached double digits yet, San. You can't be this pessimistic."

"I don't know what that means," she said dryly.

"Christmas is magic not because people act better but they believe that they can be better," he said.

"Why can't they think that on Easter? They get candy and presents on Easter."

"Easter...is kinda like new beginnings. Christmas is more like happy, warm feelings all the time." He smiled and nudged her shoulder. "Magic."

She shook her head and rolled her eyes. "You're silly. It's not magic. It's a trick"

"Maybe, but it can work," he said with a wink. "You have to let it."

"Santana?"

She frowned and looked up at Rachel who was looking back at her with a determined look and Dugar by her side.

"You two have to be nice to her from now on," Rachel said simply.

Santana scowled and darted her eyes between the two babies … She rolled her eyes... To her, they were babies.

"Okay?" Rachel asked. as she looked at her sisters.

"Why?" Quinn asked.

"Because she's my friend," Rachel said with a soft smile at the girl.

Santana narrowed her eyes. "Whatever," she said. She turned to Sugar. "Don't piss me off, smurf."

"I'm not blue," she argued.

"Not yet," she said with an eyebrow arch.

"Santana," Rachel groaned. "Come on, Sugar. You can sit next to me today."

Quinn looked over at Santana. " I think I liked it when they were pulling each other's hair."

"Truth," Santana replied.

….

Shelby pulled up to Noah's school later that afternoon and spotted him waiting near the curb chatting with Sam and Mike. He waved off his friends and climbed into the car. He smiled at her and greeted her quietly.

"Hey, ma."

"Hey," she smiled as she pulled out of the parking lot. "How was school? Learn anything new?"

He shrugged. "No... "

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he smiled.

"Noah," she said.

He shrugged. "It's just weird being there without them and this is the first day that I didn't look for them."

"It's okay to miss them," she said as they pulled into the McDonald's parking lot.

He smiled. "Have you told them that you do this? You hate McDonald's. I'm not complaining. You know I'm always hungry but..."

"Well, then tell me what you want. I'm doing it because Nana is getting the girls something at home, and you have an appetite that easily met by this place. Though, it's not good for your heart. Everything in moderation.

They walked inside and Noah ordered. His mother didn't like the smell in the car.

He shoveled from fries into his mouth. "I don't know, ma... What if I do this and they don't need me?"

"They'll always need you, they just might not need you to hold them up like you do now. That's a good thing"

He sighed. "They... they have each other and now... I'll go away and … it's not like that they needed me before."

"Noah," Shelby said gently.

He shrugged. "I'm never going to stop supporting them but... what if they don't need me?"

"Like I said, they'll always need you," she said as she reached over and stole a fry.

"Yeah, I guess so."

Shelby watched him carefully as she searched his brow.

He continued. "I just... I … I don't know..."

She reached across and took his hand. "You know why they need you? Because you show them every day that you're an incredible brother and young man. Just by being you."

"But I don't feel needed... at all... like... like if I …." he trailed off and took a bite of his burger.

"What?" she asked.

"Nothin'," he shrugged. He gave his mother a weak smile. "You can't make them need me, Ma. I guess it's good that they don't though."

"They'll need you so much during this trial, sweetheart," she said gently. "I need you."

"I don't feel needed, Ma..." He shrugged. "McDonald's and one on one time with you won't fix that."

Shelby sighed and squeezed his hand tightly. "I will always need you and so do they."

He nodded and continued to eat his food silently.

For the rest of the evening, all she could think about was how Noah was quietly retreating into himself. In so many ways they all were. She peeked in on the girls one last time. The three of them were now cramping all into Quinn's bed. None of the girls spoke about it; it had almost become habit. Shelby closed the door and walked quietly down the hall and retucked Noah in. She understood what he had said. She saw the girls relying on themselves and each other and not on him. No one was trying to hurt him; it was unintentional. It just happened.

She leaned against her pillows and turned her lights out. Finish up a Christmas list. Buy more protein powder for the girls. Talk with Santana and maybe have Noah spend time with Rachel. A storm is supposed to come. Does Quinn have gloves? She should get Quinn some gloves. She continued to make a list as she eased into sleep.

The girls were huddled around the island as they closed the computer.

"Mom, he didn't answer," Rachel whined.

"Who didn't?" Shelby asked, noticing that Rachel looked slightly older. Maybe she was imagining it.

"Noah," Rachel said with a roll of her eyes.

"Where is he?" Shelby asked as she opened the refrigerator.

"Are you feeling okay?" Quinn asked. "Noah is at school. Did you forget?"

Shelby gave a nervous smile. "No, of course not... What school?"

"Ohio State," Santana replied. "Mom, are you okay?"

She nodded. "I'm fine."

She sipped her coffee and stared at the dark liquid but when she looked up she was at work. Her office didn't feel like her office. This was weird, she thought to herself.

Ringing.

The phone was ringing. Where is the phone? She looked around and finally found the phone at the window. Weird. She would never put her phone by the window. It made no sense.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Corcoran?"

"Yes? This is she."

"Ma'am, I need you to come down to Columbus."

"Is my son okay?"

"Ma'am, I need you to come to St. Peter's hospital in Columbus." Shelby felt a twist of her organs. St. Peter... wasn't he the patron saint of fishermen. She suddenly was in her car, gripping her steering wheel. Did she even tell anyone where she was going?

She walked through the doors. Was this the hospital? Where were the doctors? One passed. Then another. There they are. She braced herself. Was he okay? He was okay. He had to be.

"What's going on? My son, Noah Corcoran, is here," she said anxiously to the woman behind the counter.

"One moment," the receptionist said with a ridiculous smile.

"I don't want to wait one moment!" she hollered. "Where the hell is my son!?"

Shelby looked around frantically, wishing that she brought someone with her. She should have told her sister. She should have... Why didn't she do that? Where was her cellphone?

"Ma'am, come with me," someone suddenly said.

She walked down the hallway. Her heels were clicking on the floor and echoing in the hallways. Why were her shoes so loud?

"... Drinking at Ohio State... Found in the park... Couldn't revive... identify..."

She took a step forward even though all she wanted to do is take a step back. She couldn't handle this. She just couldn't. She couldn't look at this. She couldn't look at a dead body that might be the dead body of her son. Her heart stopped at the thought.

She looked at the woman again with pained eyes. Her mouth was moving, she was still talking. What was she saying? She looked toward her right and Shelby followed her gaze. There was a body under a sheet.

There was a body under a sheet, she repeated to herself.

She felt her heart quicken as she saw a person near the body. She's was going to lift the sheet. Shelby felt her hand on her chest as the sheet was lifted.

Shelby sat up in bed with a gasp. She breathed heavily. Where was she? Where was she? She had felt the heels on her feet. She had felt the steering wheel. It all seemed so real. She threw back her covers and grabbed a sweatshirt and patted as quietly as she could down the hallway.

She didn't need to see his face to know that it was Noah in her dream. She knew.

She opened Noah's door. He was snoring.

He was alive. She leaned back against the door frame and let her body slide to the floor. It had all felt real, too real. She breathed heavily and felt a tear on her cheek. She closed her eyes in an effort to ease the anxiety from her dream.

"Mumma?"

She opened her eyes and immediately squinted. It was bright.

"Mumma, why are you sleeping on the floor?"

Shelby grunted slightly when she felt Rachel sit in her lap. She sighed and wrapped her arms around her youngest child.

"You're sleeping sitting up and Noah's floor is dirty," Rachel continued.

"I just... I wanted to watch him sleep. He won't always be down the hallway," Shelby said quietly. "What time is it?"

"Seven oh three," she said with a yawn.

Shelby rolled her eyes. Of course it was. She sighed and rubbed her hands up and down Rachel's arms. "What are you doing up so early, bug?"

"I was awake," she said quietly.

"Yeah?"

Rachel nodded again.

Shelby felt her body ache in stiffness. She couldn't believed that she had slept on the floor and no one found her and woke her up until now. It was late, of course everyone was asleep and no one would wake up before her baby bug.

"Alright, bug, let me stand up and stretch and then we'll go and make breakfast for everyone," she said with a smile with a mix of a groan.

"What are you doing on the floor?"

They looked up and Helen was looking down at them with disapproval.

"Mumma wanted to watch Noah sleep because he won't sleep here as much anymore once he goes to college," Rachel said simply.

Helen arched her brow. "Really?"

"Yes, mother," Shelby said with a sigh pushing Rachel gently to stand and getting to her own feet with a groan. "Breakfast?" she asked with a smile.

"Shelby-" Helen began.

"Come on, bug, let's go downstairs," Shelby stated looking at Rachel and avoiding her mother. She led her down the hallway.

….

Quinn frowned and stared at the tree. For once she was grateful for her lack of spleen. She didn't have to help bring it in a week ago and she didn't have to wrap it in lights and popcorn. She sighed as she remembered that they had to string popcorn. Quinn believed that it was a waste of good popcorn and was sure that the birds would fly into the house and eat it off of the tree themselves.

"What are you doing?" Rachel asked as she sat next to her. She followed her gaze. "Don't worry. We're doing ornaments tonight. We want to wait to put up the ornaments. It's a process."

Quinn gave a quiet nod, feeling a slight pang of confusion at the fact that these traditions weren't her own.

"Hi," Shelby said as she walked into the room with a box in her arms.

"See," Rachel said pointing to them. "Told ya."

Quinn watched from the couch as the family began to decorate the tree. Bear had brought the tree but apparently they had their own tree at home. This was the Corcoran tree, Quinn inferred, as Joey sat on the couch idly flipping through paper work. Quinn was happy that she was actually working. She was starting to get concerned for the lawyer that she was out of work. And even worse, Quinn was starting to think that the reason she was out of work was because of something that Quinn had done... because the family was put through something that she put in motion.

She watched as Santana, Noah and Rachel hung ornaments that clearly meant something. They weren't generic ball ornaments. They clearly all had a story. Some of them were falling apart. Others of them were so disgustingly gross in the craft department that she just imagined Noah coming home with the ugly craft and a look of accomplishment on his smiling face. She could also imagine Shelby coveting it as if it was an original Monet.

Shelby sat next to her and she looked at her with a small shoe box.

"I'm not making you any ugly ornaments," she said dryly.

Shelby smiled. "Hey, now," she said gently.

"What's that?" Quinn asked as she pointed at the box.

"These," Shelby said popping off the lid. "Are your ornaments."

"What?" she asked with a pause.

"Well, they might not be exactly the same as the others... but... there are sixteen ….," she said with a smile. "Typically, I buy the kids one new one every year. You weren't paying attention, I already gave them theirs just now." Quinn frowned and looked into the box. "You moved in with us in... September? You've been with us for about sixteen weeks. I bought you an ornament every week."

"When?" she asked with still a blank face, avoiding Shelby's eyes but staring at the the box. "You're always with us... and... you didn't know if I was going to stay ….."

"I always knew I was going to give them to you," Shelby said quietly.

"Really?" she asked with a frown. She looked at the box skeptically. She swallowed her anxiety. "I um... I …. thank you?" she mumbled. She looked up at the woman. "You didn't have to do this."

"I know but-"

"I mean you didn't have to catch me up with the others... I …. I already feel like a part of the family..."

"I know you do," Shelby smiled pulling her into her side. "You are undoubtedly a part of this family. If you want to put these ornaments in the box upstairs you can."

True to her word, Shelby had found a large box from the garage and put it in Quinn's room soon after their conversation. Santana and Rachel were asking about it but Shelby always told them to mind their business.

Quinn chewed her lip. "How about we just put up one," she muttered.

Shelby gave a small smile. "Absolutely."

"Will you pick it?" Quinn asked.

Shelby nodded. "Why don't I narrow it down to two and then you pick one from there? There's no right or wrong answer."

Shelby narrowed the box down to two ornaments. Quinn was able to glance at all of them that Shelby had picked out. The woman had put so much thought into it all. There was one with a cheering pom pom, a simple tree, a gardenia, a paint brush, a stack of pancakes and bacon. Quinn laughed quietly. That was a little silly, she thought to herself. Who else would want pancakes and bacon? There was also a chain saw ornament. Quinn glared at Shelby as she took out that ornament.

"Really?"

"Irony and a sense of humor is a necessity in life," Shelby said with a wink and a smile, kissing Quinn gently on the temple. "Someday you'll find it funny."

Shelby then set two ornaments in her hands. One was a small group of shepherds standing under a star and the other was a lion cuddled with a lamb.

Quinn felt tears sting her eyes as she stared at these ornaments. Everything was so carefully thought out. She didn't need to know what they stood for. She had an idea and that was enough. It was enough to know that she was thought of. That she meant enough.

She wanted to thank her but she just didn't know how so she reached out and wrapped her arms around Shelby's neck in a hug. She hugged tighter. She didn't want to let go.

"The lion and the lamb," she whispered.

"Okay," Shelby said as she rubbed her back.

"What's going on?" she heard Rachel whisper.

"Quinn's crying over ornaments," Noah whispered back.

"Oh," Rachel said back.

"Knock it off and help me," Santana complained.

"Three of you come here for a second," Helen called from the doorway. "I have some snacks that you would like to try."

"You're just trying to get us to leave," Quinn heard Rachel say, but the blonde wouldn't let go in her hug. She heard the others leave the room.

Shelby's hand rubbed her back and the rested her head more relaxed on her shoulder.

"Thank you," she heard herself whisper.

"Anytime," Shelby replied.

"Will you put it up?" she asked meekly as she pulled away and wiped the tears that she didn't realize were on her face.

"Absolutely," Shelby said kissing her on her head. She stood and walked over to the tree, found the ornament's perfect place and hung it. "Perfect."

…..

Santana propped her hand on her hip and looked at the child easel that they had propped up with a list of items.

Facial

Massage

Candles

A puppy

Chocolate

"This list is basically a spa day," she said looking at the list. "Besides the puppy," she said with a frown at Rachel who shrugged from Quinn's lap.

"Then let's get her that," Noah said as he chewed loudly on his piece of gum.

"We can't just give her a spa day for Christmas," Rachel said. "She needs to unwrap it."

"We can put it in an envelope," Quinn said as she combed Rachel's hair out of the tiny girl's face.

"She needs a break from us," Noah said. "I think a spa day would be good."

Rachel scrunched her nose. "Why does she need a break from us?" she asked looking at her sisters.

Santana glared at her brother with an arch of her brow. "She just needs some her time," Noah attempted again. "The real question is are we going to give her one big gift from all of us or something individual from all of us?" Noah asked.

"I …. I want to give her something from me... but I want to give her something from all of us too..." Quinn muttered. "What I give her will be small."

Santana nodded. "Okay.. I think that I agree."

Noah sighed. "Okaaaaay."

"Stop pouting. You know you can't just piggy back on the main gift. You need to figure out something yourself" Santana snapped at her brother.

"Who made you captain of this meeting?" he said with a sneer.

She threw him a glare. "Okay," she continued. "Why don't I talk to Bear and see if he wants to get Joey the same package and then Mom can go with someone.-"

"And that he can pay for more of it," Noah interrupted.

He received another glare from the girls.

"Alright, I think we're good," Santana said. "It's settled."

Santana leaned back and thought about what she was going to give her mother. She's not a giver... or at least not naturally. She always forgot birthdays and was fine with giving presents and never seeing people open them. However, Christmas was the one holiday that she put an effort into her gifts with her family. She narrowed her eyes. She never really took Griffin seriously as her family so her gift to him of a gardening manure pellets felt perfect.

She let her gaze fall on her sisters. Quinn looked thoughtful as if she were at war with herself about what the best present would be. Her gaze settled on Rachel who also looked strangely torn and pensive but she was staring at the list with deep concentration. There was a flicker in Rachel's eyes that reminded her before she did something stupid. She followed Rachel's gaze and looked back at the list. Then it clicked.

"No," she said as she crossed her arms and looked at her youngest sister. "Absolutely not."

"What?" Rachel asked with a defensive frown.

"No puppy. Nope. Nope. They're too much work."

"We can all help!" Rachel said. "It would be the most glorious surprise ever! I promise and -"

"No," Santana replied shaking her head. "No. No."

Rachel sighed and leaned back into Quinn. She looked up at the blonde. "It would have been the most magnificent and sensational present in the whole wide world, Q-bear."

"I know, bug," she whispered still combing her hair idly. "But no puppy, okay?"

Rachel sighed and leaned against Quinn. "Glorious," she whispered to herself.

….

Santana stared down at her work as she and Brittany sat in the breakfast booth in the kitchen. She could feel Brittany looking at her but she couldn't look up. She wasn't sure what to say. Despite being grounded, Noah had been allowed to go to the basketball gym and Brittany was able to come over.

"So what are we doing? We don't have to do homework," Brittany said gently. "We can watch a movie or something. Quinn and Rachel are upstairs napping." She gave a smile. "Or..." she said moving closer. "You can kiss me and tell me how much you've missed me."

Santana looked up with a blush. "I have missed you," she said with a small smile. She leaned over and kissed her gently on the lips. Brittany kissed her back. "A lot," she said with another kiss.

"Ditto," she said with a smile. She moved closer to her. "We don't have to do anything at all, but I would rather do nothing with you instead of watching you do work," she muttered as she idly traced her finger over the top of Santana's hand.

Santana sighed and set down her things and sat next to her with a smile. She leaned her head on her shoulder.

"I bought you something for Christmas," Santana whispered quietly.

"You did?" Brittany asked.

"Yeah," Santana muttered.

"I didn't bring your present. You didn't tell me that we were exchanging presents today-"

"You don't have to give anything to me," she said with a tiny grin.

"I know, but I want to," she said quietly taking her hand.

"Well... just... can I give you mine now? I think that I won't see you until after the new year and Christmas gifts after Christmas seem weird."

"That's what mine will be, silly," Brittany said kissing her softly. Santana rolled her eyes and the blonde caught on. "Oh... yours is the present that matters, the one that you give." She laughed heartily. "I'm going to beat you at your own game someday," she said with a smile. "Go get it."

Santana went upstairs and was back down in a few minutes. She came down and offered her a perfectly wrapped and exquisitely bowed shoe box.

"Thank you," she grinned. "You set the bar high, Corcoran."

Santana watched anxiously as Brittany carefully opened the box. She didn't know where they stood on a girlfriend level in the gift giving department but Santana knew that she had known Brittany for a long time and she felt that this would be the best thing she knew how to give. When she finally opened the box, Brittany paused. Santana felt her heart stop. Did she not like it?

"Santana," she said carefully. The blonde looked up and Santana could see that Brittany was close to tears.

"Don't cry," Santana said gently. "I just... I remembered that when we were ten years old you told me that someday when you meet your prince and fall in love that you would know that he truly loved you back only if he-"

"If he gave me the moon. Because then that meant he loved me to the moon and back," Brittany whispered. She took out the small snow globe with the moon crest in the middle.

Santana gave an embarrassed shrug. "I'm not smart enough to be an astronaut and I also posses more social skills than they do so …. I couldn't go to the moon- Plus I'm only sixteen, but... I am... I didn't want to bring the moon closer and I …. just wanted to let you know that...I don't need to go to the moon to know that I love you, but I thought -"

Brittany took her hand and kissed her with soft tender care. Santana sunk into the kiss and kissed her back. Finally they came up for air. "This is perfect," Brittany muttered. "Thank you."

Santana wiped her tears away. "I'm glad you like it."

"I have my present ready for you at home," she said with a smile. "Maybe I can bring it by later?"

Santana gave a shrug and a nod. "I think that'll be okay."

"Maybe I can call my mom and ask her to bring it when she comes to get me," she said perking up. "I'll do that right now. Don't move."

Santana rolled her eyes and leaned back in her seat. She was left with her thoughts as she watched the girl disappear around the corner to call her mother. This was what she wanted, to give the perfect gift. However, she felt a strange sensation in her chest... like she was going to ruin it...as if she was waiting to mess it all up. Even after something as perfect executed as that, Santana was caught in her head waiting for the happiness in her heart to make its exit. It was as if her heart knew that happiness didn't have a home there.

"She's going to drop it off when she gets me," Brittany said with a smile. "I think you're really going to like it."

Santana silenced the voices in her head and smiled back. "Yeah, I bet I will."

…

Shelby walked through the hallway. The house was settled. Her parents were asleep in Rachel's room; Noah was snoring and the girls were-She paused as she looked at Quinn's large bed. Rachel. Quinn. Where was Santana? She sighed and walked through the bathroom into her eldest daughter's room. Santana was sitting up in bed with her back facing her mother; her head was bowed.

"Sanny?" Shelby called. "You alright? You have been quiet today since Brit left -"

Shelby walked to the other side of the bed to see a CD in her daughter's hand. She sat next to her and kissed her gently. "What's that?"

Santana didn't answer right away. Her silence was killing her.

"San?" Shelby said again reaching out and running her hand over her daughter's back.

Santana jumped slightly and looked up at her mother with a frown. "She um... I ….. It's my Christmas gift."

"Yeah? What is it?" she asked.

"It's um... outtakes," she said quietly.

"Of what?"

"Daddy's old recording sessions," she whispered. Santana felt tears sting her eyes. "She found them online and used some equipment to cut them... and she made a CD …. I …. I ….. I didn't know what to say... I don't know …. if I'm thankful for this. I think I am but I …. She thinks I'm mad... but I ….. can't... I don't know what to do..." She looked up at her mother and shrugged one of her shoulders. "I don't know if I can listen."

"That's okay," Shelby said gently. "You don't have to until you're ready. I know I wouldn't be ready to listen right away if I received that gift." She said honestly.

Santana rested her head on her mother's shoulder as she felt her tears run down her cheeks. "I don't know what to say to her."

"Why don't you start with thanks," Shelby offered. "It's late though, so you can call her tomorrow."

Santana nodded from where she had her head rested. She wiped her nose with the back of her hand. "Will you stay with me tonight?" she whispered.

"I can't imagine being anywhere else," Shelby said softly hugging her eldest daughter to her chest.

Santana was asleep in the matter of minutes. The exhaustion of her heart and the loudness of her brain. Shelby had her arm wrapped protectively around her shoulders as Santana's head was leaning on her chest. She couldn't remember the last time that Santana was curled into her and not curled around Rachel. She was grateful for that moment with Santana, but she also knew that Santana needing her was a sign of rare vulnerability in her daughter.

Shelby ran her hand idly through Santana's hair, remembering how her daughter's hair hadn't always been as tame. She chuckled to herself; Santana hadn't always been as tame as she was now. Shelby knew that her daughter couldn't be broken in order to be tamed. She would escape further into herself and in so many ways, Santana would lose herself completely.

Shelby felt her breath hitch in her throat. She was scared because it wasn't only a theory. It was a possibility. They were in so many ways standing on a precipice. and Shelby was so scared that if she reacted a half of a second too late, she would lose her. She would lose all of them and just because they slipped through her fingers. She was scared about not being fast enough.

Shelby combed her hand through her hair. Okay, she thought to herself. Everything was perfect. The table was perfect. It was all …. Shelby trailed off and looked around her. She was at her home in Lima but she stared through the living room and was baffled because it looked like her living room in her New York apartment. She chewed her bottom lip.

"Kids?" she called.

"Yeah?" she heard Noah call.

"Where are the girls?"

"I don't know," Noah called.

Shelby put her dish towel down. Why was she always holding a damn dish towel? Because something was always spilling or dirty, she answered herself.

"Quinn?" she called.

"What?"

"Where are you?"

"Reading," she called back. "Rachel is with me... Okay she was... "

"Rach? San?" Shelby asked as she wandered through the house that kept flashing between her New York apartment and her Lima house.

She heard a knocking. It was so faint. She could barely hear it.

"What is that?" she asked the house.

The knocking became more frantic.

"Guys? What is that? Rachel, Santana, answer me!"

Silence. The room kept changing.

Lima.

New York.

Silence.

Lima.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Silence.

Shelby followed where she thought the sound was coming from.

"Mumma! She's stuck! She's stuck!"

"Rachel?" Shelby called. "Where are you?"

"Mumma, she's stuck!" She heard her youngest frantic voice.

"Rachel!" she kept moving toward the sound.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Shelby ran to the girls' rooms.

Empty.

She ran to Noah's room.

Empty.

She ran to her room. The door to the attic was hatched. She climbed the ladder two rungs at a time. Rachel was banging on a tiny closet that Shelby has almost forgotten was there. She had blocked it years ago for this reason. She felt a punch in her stomach. This almost felt familiar.

"Mom," Santana sobbed from the other side. Shelby could hear her fists pound on the door.

"Honey, what happened?"

Santana continued to bang on the door with ferocity. "Mom! Please! LET ME OUT!" She couldn't breathe. She let out a sob. "PLEASE! PLEASE! I- I - I t's s-st-uck... Mom, please! Let me out of here!" Santana let out a hopeless sob as she banged on what Shelby guessed was the wall. "Please... I'm scared..." She let out a sob. "Please, Mumma."

Shelby could hear the panic in her daughter's voice. She could hear the strain in her breath.

Shelby banged her shoulder against the door. She remembered the door swung in. It should give. "Santana, move out of the way, sweetheart."

She could hear Santana's sobs becoming more strained. "Mumma, please," her voice was smaller now as she was banging on the side on the walls of the closet door. "It's dark in here."

Shelby ran at the door. She punched it. She kicked it. She somehow found a crowbar. She was going to get her kid out of there. Much to her surprise, the crowbar failed her. Everything was failing. Everything was falling apart expect that damn door.

"Santana!" Shelby called.

Nothing.

There was no tapping.

"Santana, talk to me, baby," Shelby said. She looked behind her and Noah was standin there and Quinn was holding Rachel in her arms. "Noah, get me the power drill, I'm taking off this door."

Noah sprinted down the steps.

"Santana, I'm going to take off the door," she said. "Give me a few minutes. Okay?"

Nothing.

"Santana?!"

Silence.

"Santana!" she called banging on the door again.

"M-m-mumma."

Shelby could barely hear it. She had to put her ear to the tiny closet door.

"Sanny, you need to hold on. I'm going to get you out. I promise." She looked over her shoulder just as Noah came in with a drill.

She watched her hands move like lightning as if they weren't attached to her body. She finally had the hinges off and she ripped open the door.

All was silent. All was still and all she could see was Santana's unmoving hand, still balled in a fist.

Shelby jumped awake in bed.

Santana moaned and rolled over. "What's wrong?" she asked groggily.

Shelby's chest was rising and falling rapidly and Santana looked up at her with confusion. The darkness of reality enveloped her as she embraced Santana's tired body.

"Mom, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Shelby managed as she pulled Santana closer. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried her best to suck back her tears, but couldn't. "I'm fine," she managed. "Go back to sleep."

Santana snuggled into her mother's arms. "Okay," she mumbled.

…..

"Death is peculiar," she said out loud.

"Okay," Patrick replied. The appointment just started. He decided to followed Shelby's lead.

"It can be so many things for so many people. It can be slow build. A well orchestrated symphony. You have time to plan and prepare with yourself or the people you love. Or it could just be a big bang. Like a gun shot. From out of nowhere."

"Okay," he said quietly.

"Yeah," she nodded. "Leroy and I want to be cremated. The physicality of death was something that was …. so... terrifying to us. Death was hard enough but... yeah." She sighed. "But he wasn't. That man didn't ….. So sometimes I think too much about it when I miss him and …."

"Okay," he nodded. "Why are we talking about death?"

"I want my kids to have a plan if something happened to me," she said. She was so in her head that she wasn't sure if she was talking to him anymore as much as she did herself. "It's just... I want there to be a plan..."

"Okay," he nodded.

"I also... I don't think Quinn is dealing with Judy's death," she said quietly.

"How should she be dealing?" he challenged gently.

Shelby shrugged and shook her head. "She never talks about her..."

"Does she have anything to talk about?"

"Everyone has something to talk about," Shelby offered. She paused.

"Shelby, you and I both know that Quinn wouldn't easily forget the last sixteen years. Let her get used to this life. It sounds like she'll talk to you when she's ready, but it also sounds like she's been doing a lot of talking. You should know that dealing takes time, especially in a situation as complex as hers."

"But she never talks about it," Shelby replied.

"What does she have to say?" he asked.

"Good point," she muttered. "I just.. I don't want her to look back and regret this..."

"Regret what?" Shelby didn't answer; Patrick continued. "Who exactly are we talking about?" Shelby looked at him with a frown, confused. "Are we talking about Quinn or you?"

Shelby didn't answer for a few moments. "I just want them to be okay," she said finally.

"They will be," he reassured her. "Shelby, you can't control the future... or even other's around you. You're doing your best and supporting your children and helping them cultivate the tools that they need to succeed."

Shelby shook her head. "I feel like I need to do better." She put up her finger as Patrick started to speak. "Don't tell me to do a self-affirming exercise."

He smiled. "Fine, but you know you need to do something that affirms you as a parent and a person. I think you know deep down you're doing right."

"Am I?"

She sighed and looked at her watch again.

"Who do you have watching the kids?"

Shelby rolled her eyes. " Most everyone is in the home. My nephews have been running around catching up with old high school friends this week, but my parents and sister are home watching them. Bear is at the station."

"So why are you so worried?" he asked.

"Have you met my children? They can get into trouble more quickly than..." She shook her head. "I can't even come up with a good metaphor."

"Shelby, I think you're becoming one of those mother's that you used to talk about."

She scowled. "I am not smothering them," she defended herself.

"You really are," he replied honestly.

"You have to let them breathe and you need to take a breath and remember that this isn't your fault."

"Well, then whose is it?" she asked leaning back in her chair.

"You know that it's not yours," he said quietly.

"I need to blame someone and most of all I need them to feel safe and happy and ….. " She licked her lips. "Rachel's sense of accomplishment is leaving the house. I've timed it, Pat; she has only been able to leave someone elses side for about fifteen minutes before she has this mini panic and then goes back to being this mini parasite. At the beginning of the year, my issue was her wandering off... Now she doesn't get more than a few yards away. Quinn has a box of gifts in her room...She can't accept gifts easily because everything her father gave her was after he abused her... Santana is so lost within herself, but I'm sure that she'll be last to realize it and I can't do anything to help her. And Noah feels helpless and unneeded and I can't fix that and worst of all he knows it. I try my very best to embrace and celebrate the successes that they have but when those 'successes' are so drastically different from who they were a few months ago..." She sighed heavily. "I can't help but mourn that loss. The loss of them."

"You can't dwell on that though," he urged.

"I know that," she whispered. "I'm just so afraid that...we're all going to lose it. We're treading on thin ice and it feels like we're all about to fall through."

"You're all going to get through this, Shelby," he said. "You'll survive this."

"I'm tired of helping them survive life. They shouldn't be hanging on."

"They're not," he said gently. "They're getting by and you're spotting them, but give them some space. Let them find their own balance."

"We'll see," she sighed.

"Maybe try doing something fun as a family," he suggested. "Bowling? I know Santana hates going to the movie theater... so, hmmm ... How about family yoga -"

"Have you met my children?" she asked dryly.

"How about the indoor trampoline gym?" he offered.

Shelby shook her head. "Rachel doesn't have a kidney. What if she falls?"

"Jumping on a trampoline isn't like she's going to play football."

"Well, I just want to get through the holidays. The trial is starting in a week. The girls don't testify until after the New Year, but the trial itself starts next week. One top of that the tutor's niece who comes to the house frequently has had the flu off and on. I just need to focus on the holidays. My shopping is finished and I just... I just need to get through."

"And you will," he said

"I hope so."

…..

Rachel looked around the room. "Crap."

She chewed her lip and knitted her brow. This wasn't good.

"Rachel?"

She jumped and raced to the door. "Don't come in!"

"Why?" she heard her mother ask from the other side.

"Because," she looked around the room. "Because," she said more forcefully.

"You're supposed to be watching her, Joey," she heard her mother scold her aunt.

"I am! She's not invalid. I don't have to see her every second. She said she wanted to bake cookies. I said okay. She's eleven she's not five," Joey barked back. Rachel could hear her aunt take a breath. "She was going to call me when she was done mixing and then I would help her put the cookies in the oven." Rachel leaned her ear against the wall Her aunt's voice was far away; she probably hadn't gotten up from her chair.

"Shelby, Joey's right," Pop-Pop told her. "Leave her be."

"Rachel, we're coming in," her mother stated.

"Give me 5 minutes," she said as she scrambled back to the counter. The batter had gone everywhere. She had been trying to clean up the hand held mixer, which she had to use because she couldn't move the heavy red mixer from the pantry. While she had been trying to clean the raw egg from the handheld mixture as it was resting on the counter she knocked the switch and the batter that was still on the beaters went all over the kitchen. She was pretty sure there was batter on the fan on the ceiling. However, her main focus was to get rid of the batter that was in the most immediate line of sight.

She frowned as she frantically tried wiping down the counter. There was flour on the floor.

"Rach, we're coming in," Shelby said.

Rachel could hear the frustration in her voice and felt a strange frustration in her chest. She was so upset because she was trying to surprise her mother; her mother's frustration had been wearing on her face. Rachel was sure that cookies would make her feel better. They had to. She couldn't even get that right.

"Rachel," she hear her mom say in her exhausted and disappointed voice.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" she said as tears stung her eyes. "I wanted to make you cookies! I-I-I-I'm sorry!"

She looked up at her mother and felt a tightness in her chest as she looked around the room. Her face crumbled in a sob. "This wasn't supposed to happen."

Her mother gathered Rachel in her arms despite the fact that Rachel was covered. She had always been grateful that her mother never minded getting dirty. She rested her head on her mother's shoulder.

"I just...I-I-I wanted to make you cookies. You look so sad and...I- This is not how I wanted it to happen," she said with a frown," she said quietly trying to settle down. She leaned back and looked at her mother. "Handmixers are so hard."

Her mother laughed and sighed heavily. "That they are. That's why we ask for help."

"I didn't want to ask for help," she said simply.

"I know and now we have a bigger mess to clean up," Shelby said with an arch of her brow. "You will be cleaning all of this up by yourself."

Rachel wiped her tears and scowled. "I can't reach that high."

"We'll bring the ladder in. I'll make sure that you don't fall, but this is your mess, bug. You'll be cleaning it up and maybe if you're still up to it afterward I can make cookies with you."

Rachel frowned and looked around the kitchen. That was so much cleaning. None of this was going as planned. She was supposed to make cookies for her mother not provide her with more work. Pop-Pop was already beginning to clean but paused and went upstairs when Shelby looked at him as she rested her hand on Rachel's chest..

"But first," Shelby said interrupting her thoughts. "You need to use the neb for a bit."

"No," Rachel protested.

"Yes," Shelby replied as she placed her hand on Rachel's chest and kissed her softly on the cheek. "You're wheezing slightly. We'll do it quickly and then clean this all up."

"Holy shit!" Joey exclaimed as she entered the kitchen finally.

"Language!" Shelby and Rachel scolded.

"I can't even see a kitchen floor!" Joey said looking at Rahel is disbelief.

Shelby turned to her daughter with a smile. "Aunt Joey would love to help you clean up too since she was supposed to help you."

"I didn't want her help," Rachel said as Pop-Pop returned with the nebulizer.

"Well, you're eleven and she's forty-"

"Older," Joey said with a frown. "Ugh."

After an hour everything was cleaned up, but Rachel couldn't help but feel defeated. This wasn't what she wanted to do. She wasn't supposed to do this. She was supposed to be more helpful not be causing more chaos. They didn't have time to cook another batch before Holly arrived.

"What's your problem?" Sugar asked as they all worked quietly on their school work.

"Nothing," Rachel said dramatically. "Just ruining Christmas."

"Oh," Sugar said with a shrug. "You can fix it. You have days before Christmas."

Rachel perked up. "How?"

"Give her what she wants," Sugar said with a shrug.

"I want her to be happy," she said wistfully.

"Well, what makes her happy?"

Rachel frowned at the simple question. "Um... we do."

"Other than you, silly," she said with a roll of her eyes. "My father loves cars. I bought my father a car."

"What?" Rachel asked loudly. Holly and her sisters looked at her.

"Girls, are you working?"

"Yes," Rachel muttered. She looked down at her work. "How did you buy a car?"

Sugar rolled her eyes. "I didn't buy it myself, dummy. Daddy bought it, but I gave it to him."

"Oh," she muttered.

"So... what are you going to give her?"

Rachel shrugged and caught Santana looking at her with a frown. She lowered her voice and continued. "We're getting her a spa day but I want to do something big. I wanted to get her a puppy, but my big sister said no."

"Your big sister is stupid," she said a little too loudly.

"Hey, urchin!" Santana barked. "The big sister can hear you!"

Sugar frowned and opened her mouth ready for a fight. Rachel clamped her hand over her mouth and shook her head. "She'll bite you," said the youngest Corcoran.

"I can bite too," Sugar sneered back.

"No one can bite as hard as her," Rachel said quietly. She looked at her new friend. "Trust me. She's part wolf."

"Oh, that explains it," Sugar said looking at Santana only to receive another glare. She nodded. "Yeah, I see it now." She turned and looked at Rachel. "Puppies are great but something can be greater."

Rachel looked at her seriously. "What's better than a puppy?"

Sugar smiled. "I have the most glorious idea."

Rachel tilted her head. "The puppy was supposed to be a glorious idea."

"I have something better," she said with a wide smile.

"What?"

"My daddy owns a zoo," she said.

….

Later that night, Noah collapsed in his bed and stared at the ceiling. School vacation was finally here. He was partially grateful because that meant he didn't have to nap sitting up at the desks, but now he had to be awake at home where he felt like he was more of a waste of space than anything.

A knock on the door broke him from his thoughts. He looked up, expecting Rachel. His tiny bug had been coming in lately and simply bouncing on his bed and complaining to him about how his room smelled, but still she hadn't been coming to him like she used to.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey," he said with surprise. "What's up?"

She shrugged. "Just... I haven't seen you in awhile."

"I'm down the hall," he laughed.

She was silent for a few moments. "I've missed you," Santana muttered as she leaned next to Noah's desk that he used as a coat rack.

"I've been right here," he muttered.

She shrugged. "I um... I'm sorry."

"For what?" he asked with a nervous laugh. "I … the girls need you. You can't apologize for that. It's just how it is."

"You know I need you right?" she whispered.

Noah groaned and looked at her with frustration. "Did Mom put you up to this?"

"No," she bit back sharply. "I just...I realized that I would be upset if...no one was coming to me."

"Jesus, Santana," he said with a snap. "It would have been better if you said Mom put you up to this. No one needs me. I'm grateful that they have you and Mom but I'm in the dark and you coming in here feeling bad for me won't make me feel better. So get the fuck out."

Santana didn't move.

"What?" he barked again.

"I need you," she whispered. Tears stung her eyes as she stared down at the ground and her hands gripped the edge of the desk behind her. "I'm not Rachel and I'm not Quinn. I don't... I don't know how to need you... and I don't … you're you... but I've... I've always needed you and I … I just don't know how to show it."

He took a deep breath and watched the tears fall from her face. "San," he said gently as he wrapped his arms around her pulled her into a hug.

"I ….. I don't know what to say to you. I've watched you from the sidelines and I knew that you were sad... but I just... I didn't know what to say...I still don't."

"I don't expect you to say anything," he whispered. He cupped her face and forced her to look up at him. "Not your job, but I miss hanging out with you. We used to do stuff... I just miss that."

"I know," she muttered.

"Are you okay?"

"Not really... but... I'm not really... I'm not really sure what I am... I'll let you know?"

He searched her face for a moment before nodding. "Okay."

"I...um... I need your help on something."

"What?" he asked with a roll of his eyes.

She held up the CD.

"What's that?"

"Brittany's Christmas gift to me... I … um... It's Dad's rehearsal outtakes... " She swallowed. "Can you listen to it for me?" asked asked with a tiny sob.

He took it and sighed. "I guess so..."

"You … you don't need to... You're okay with this?"

He looked at her and crossed his arms. "Yeah..."

"How?"

He paused for a few more moments before he took a deep breath. "These clips that Brittany found online... Are they from the YouTube videos?"

Santana's heart stopped. "What videos?"

Noah shrugged. "I don't know... there was a documentary or something awhile back. They looked at Dad's career and posted a lot of his sessions and outtakes...I watch them sometimes... When I miss him." He looked at Santana was a carefully smile. "It's kinda better to see him and hear his voice. Why don't you watch them with me?"

"I don't know if I can," she said with anguish.

"It's okay if you can't. He's not going anywhere. He'll wait til you're ready."

She gave a small ironic grin. "He's already left." Her smile faded at the reality of her words.

Noah laughed. "But YouTube is forever."

She looked at him with a frown. "I …. I don't know."

She rested her head on his shoulder and he pulled her closer. "One of them has you in it."

She perked up. "What?"

She sat nervously in front of Noah's laptop. The video loaded. Play. A random man's voice came on as clips of their father and mother and the father in rehearsal flashed across the screen.

"Leroy Corcoran was one of the most innovative musician and producer of his time. Once he left the music scene as a lead musician, he became incredibly influential behind the scene. Clips and interviews of him became rare, but we were able to find a behind the scene. What people forget is that he was such a family man. People focus on the tragedy of his death and then what happened to his children."

A picture of Leroy came up with a baby carrier on his front and Santana on his back holding around his neck as Leroy stood in the music booth talking through the microphone at the musicians.

"Where were you?" Santana asked.

Noah pointed at the screen.

Another picture flashed of Noah and Santana at the sound board with headphones on, smiling in excitement.

A video clip came up and Leroy was listening to the music and giving instructions as he walked around with a tiny sleeping Rachel in the baby carrier against his chest. He pulled Rachel slightly back from the carrier so that the camera could see her face.

"This is our baby bug, Rachel," he smiled. He lifted up her hand and waved it. "She says hello."

"Me too!" a small voice said. The camera looked down at a brunette with large dark curls. She waved. "I'm Santana."

Leroy looked down at her with pride. He knelt next to her while support Rachel's back in the carrier. He pointed to her. "This is my girl! The world better watch out."

The video ended and Santana didn't know what to say.

She chewed her lip. "How many are there?"

Noah shrugged. "Five I think."

She pause and look at him after a moment. "Can we watch them?"

He nodded. "Sure."

"Move over," she said as they settled on his bed. She wanted to get comfortable to watch these, because she was pretty sure that she would make him watch them with her again and again.

….

Shelby sorted through her things. It had been a long day. True to her word, she had cooked cookies with Rachel after their session with Holly. The girl had been up and down all day. She went into the tutor session for the neb and cleaning up with a disappointed confusion. However, after the session, Rachel was bouncing on air, but she found Rachel fading in her father's lap on the couch after dinner. It had barely been seven o'clock. Shelby frowned remembering that Sugar had had the flu on and off. She would kill that little girl if she gave the kids got the flu.

However, she was thankful because she could hear Santana and Noah talking and laughing in his room. She was grateful for that.

She had managed to coax her youngest to sleep by seven-thirty with a song, another round of nebulizer, and medication to help her sleep. She was thankful that they were finally finished with the cream. They all seemed to be healing; it was slow but it was finally happening. She set Rachel in Quinn's room and started to leave and paused.

Quinn walked up the stairs just as Shelby entered the hallway. "Hey, are you finished with your stuff?"

She nodded. Quinn was quiet too. She had been pensive for days. Shelby could tell she was stuck in her head.

"Rachel, might be getting sick," Shelby began.

Quinn rolled her eyes. "That girl is a walking plague. Maybe it's because her one friend is a weirdo."

"Quinn," Shelby warned. "You and Santana should really be nicer to Sugar."

"Her name is Sugar," she said dryly. "How can I be nice to her?"

"Touche," Shelby smiled. "So you and Santana should try to sleep in Santana's room tonight."

"Won't Rachel wake up and think that the world has ended because she's alone?" Quinn asked with an arch of her brow.

Shelby narrowed her eyes and tilted her head in the way that moms do. "She'll be fine. She'll sleep through the night."

"Oh, you drugged her," Quinn smiled cheekily.

Shelby laughed. "Stop it." She softened. "You've been really quiet today. Do you want to talk about anything?"

"Nothing's wrong," she mumbled. "If I had a dollar for everytime you asked me that," she began. She sighed and looked at her hands. "I just..." she shrugged. "I don't know what you want me to say. Christmas isn't my thing... It's just not... and I don't know."

"You don't have to be happy all of the time, Q-bear," she said. "That's not what I'm asking you."

"Good, because I think that's virtually impossible," she said with a nervous smile. She looked down at her hands. "I just... I … um... I just... I don't know."

"Okay," Shelby said quietly. "That's fine."

"I know I can talk to you but I just don't know what to say," she shrugged. "I feel lost a lot." She perked up realizing what she said. "I know that I have a place here. I get that now... but I still don't feel … I feel like it's a big mistake... like I'll wake up one day and... and I'll forget."

"Forget what?"

"Where I came from... Who I am," she whispered. "

"You're not lost, sweetheart," she said.

"But I feel like it," she replied. "I was … I was Quinn Fabray for sixteen years and … I felt like I was suffocating all the time... and now... now I can breathe being here but... I feel like i'm playing dress up... but I'm numb too... But when I'm busy and I'm... with you and Rach, and San... I feel better... Even Noah... but I just... " She shook her head. I don't know who I am. The person who I was before was a faker... and now... I feel like one too."

"What are you faking?" she asked gently.

Quinn shook her head. "My whole life."

Shelby reached out and pulled the girl to her.

"You can't hug me and make it better," she whispered, but she didn't struggle.

Shelby sighed. "You are fantastic."

"Stop," she whispered.

Shelby went on. "You are hardworking and a crazy perfectionist. You're incredibly creative. I think we should try to cater to that."

"I don't want to do anything that costs something more," she whispered.

"You are my child, Quinn. There's no question about that. I would pay for lessons for any of the the kids. And that includes you."

"But it's so expensive. Each tube of paint is almost $2.00, at least... and that's just the water colors... the brushes could be expensive as... $8.00 and... canvas..." Quinn trailed off and looked up when she felt Shelby's eyes on her.

"You looked it up," she said simply.

Quinn bit the inside of her cheek and shook her head. "Don't do what I think you're going to do and go out and buy me the best and most expensive set or … whatever." Her brow knit. "Please." Shelby tilted her head in confusion. "When I was in the group home... Even though I hated all of it... I knew what to expect. Nothing. And so many of those girls demanded and demanded and … they were dependent on their stuff. That's all that they had. They would literally have cat fights over straighteners." She squeezed her eyes shut. "I just didn't get it... but I do... Sometimes... It's all you have to your name.. but now... here with you where you're always giving things to me... and going beyond and above." She put her hand on her chest. "I don't deserve that. I don't deserve any of that."

"Why not?" Shelby asked gently.

Quinn shook her head. "I just don't..."

Shelby sighed. "I'm going to spoil you for the rest of your life and unquestionably the rest of mine," she said with a soft kiss. "Not because I feel badly for you or a debt to pay to you. I think that you are incredible. You can accomplish so much in this life by simply being you. You're responsible and you're kind, but I don't want you struggle to have those basic necessities.-"

"But people do it everyday and they're better for it," she interrupted. "I'm not going to take your charity. I want to work for my things. I want to do it myself."

"You can certainly buy certain things for yourself, but right now you don't have time for a job. I'm your parent. I'll pay for it." She cupped her face and brought gaze up to her. "Accepting a gift and accepting things from me does make you spoiled or selfish. Okay?"

Quinn shook her head. "Fine," she whispered. She leaned back into Shelby. "I just .. I don't ….I want to give you all that you give me."

"You do," she whispered.

Quinn continued to shake her head. "I'm tired now."

"Okay, "Shelby muttered.

She felt Quinn fall to sleep pretty fast. Shelby looked at her ceiling. She didn't know how to make Quinn feel better. She didn't know how to fix this. She just didn't know how to do that. She felt lost. this perfect little girl felt lost. She didn't know herself. She didn't see how wonderful she was. How could she get her to see that? Shelby chewed on her lip. How could she bring her back from this? How could she make them see that they're so much more than their failures? None of them believed that they were good enough for good things. Life had hit them so hard that no one believed that it could be tolerable. Shelby shook her head. Who was she kitdding? She was holding her breath too. She was waiting for it all to crumble.

She walked through the house. Everything was in its place. This was her house. There were jackets on the floor as always. She picked them up and began to hang them on the rack in the mud room. Noah's... Santana's... Rachel's... She frowned. That was it.

"Girls?"

"What?" Santana called from the other room.

"Where's Quinn?"

"Who?" Rachel asked.

"Quinn," Shelby said simply. She walked through the house and she felt like she was the steady cam of the Blair Witch Project. "Quinn?"

"Mom, who are you calling?" Noah asked.

Shelby felt a panic rise in her chest. "Quinn?" she called. She ran through the house. "Quinn!" she called. She felt her heart pounding in her ears. She was worried. Where was she? She sprinted up the stairs. "QUINN?"

She sprinted back downstairs. Where is she?

"What are you doing?" Joey asked as she came in the back door.

"Where the hell is she?" she urged.

"Who?" joey asked.

"Quinn! Where is Quinn?"

"I don't... What?" Joey asked her confused. "Who's Quinn?"

Shelby grabbed her coat. They didn't know who she was; Quinn must be still with Russell. "Stay here," she called over her shoulder.

She sprinted out. She ran to her car. She practically sped over to the Fabrays. She barely even felt the car move. Did it move? She rushed over to the house. Something was different. Something was off. She opened the house and the home was ….. The furniture. … It was gone. It was there and then it was gone.

When it was there it was covered in a sheet. What was going on? She reached for the light switch. It didn't work.

"Quinn!" she yelled.

Nothing.

"QUINN!"

"Excuse me?"

Shelby ran downstairs.

"Who are you?" she asked a woman in a dress suit with a couple.

"We're showing the house, ma'am," she said carefully.

Shelby frowned and sprinted back to the car. She wasn't here. She wasn't here, she screamed again at herself. She climbed back into the house frantically. She knew where she would be. She would be outside. She would be in the park. She's fine. She's there. She told herself.

She buckled her seatbelt and she was at the park .

She looked around frantically and felt a sigh of relief.

There was a blonde head across the parking lot. There she was!

"Quinn!"

She screamed. The blonde head didn't stop. Quinn kept walking. She sprinted harder toward her but she felt like she was getting further away. She finally caught up to her and when she finally got there she couldn't breathe.

"QUINN!" she yelled even though she was a inches away.

Quinn pulled her arm from her roughly. "LET GO!"

Her back was still to her.

Shelby felt a pang in her chest. "Quinn?"

The blonde pulled her arm back and stumbled to the ground and cradled the back of her head as she fell. She was shaking and her eyes were glazed and confused.

"Wh-Wha-?"

Shelby froze. Quinn's face was dirty. Her hair was a mess. Was it a mess before? She felt a golf ball in her throat. Quinn's clothes hung on her body and there was a pool of blood in her crotch. Shelby reached down to her.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Quinn flinched.

"Quinn," Shelby said more gently, pulling her hand back. "It's okay. I'll take you home."

"I … I don't … I don't know you," she said. Quinn struggled to her feet. She couldn't get to her feet. She fell. again and again and again.

Shelby reached out to help her.

"Don't touch me!"

Quinn managed to get to her feet. She stood there and Shelby watched as the stillness of Quinn caused her anxiety to quicken. What was happening?

The young girl with the worn face looked back at her. Their eyes connected and Shelby felt a lightness fill her chest.

"Do you live here too?" she asked.

Shelby's heart fell.

"Sweetheart, you don't live here." Her face was blank. "Quinn?" Shelby asked again.

"Who's Quinn?" she asked.

Shelby watched with a heavy anxious heart as Quinn fell back. She reached out and caught her before she hit the ground.

Quinn looked up with her with pained eyes.

Shelby looked at her with a new understanding. She wasn't Quinn. She was lost. She then noticed with a heavy heart when she saw blood on the side of her mouth.

"Have you been coughing up blood?"

Quinn closed her eyes.

"I don't remember," she whispered. She opened her eyes and searched Shelby's face. "Have you always been here?"

Shelby shook her head and searched her pocket. Where was her phone?

"You're going to be just fine, Quinn," she looked around frantically.

There was no one here. they were alone.

Quinn looked at her. "You're a nice person..."

Shelby sobbed.

"Ma'am give her to us."

She looked up.

Paramedics.

What?

They lay her down.

There were so many paramedics. She couldn't see her.

"She's not breathing-"

She felt someone pull her away.

She fought. She could hear the paramedics.

"Charge."

She let out a charge and she watched the body bounce.

"Charge."

She wasn't moving.

Shelby jumped awake in bed with a gasp. She heard a tiny moan and rustle and saw Quinn wrapped around a pillow. Shelby leaned over and nestled next to her, moving her hair out of her face. She idly ran her hand through Quinn's hair She needed to keep her safe. She needed her not to be lost. She needed her never to feel like that again... like she could in Shelby's dream.

Quinn gave a tiny sigh but remained asleep. Shelby felt the same anxiety in her chest. It had all felt so real. How could it have been so real? She felt a sob hitch in her chest. What was going on with her? She felt her heart still trembling. How could this feel so real? How was she doing this? How -

"Mumma?"

She popped up in bed as the light in the hallway peaked through the crack in the door. Rachel stood there rubbing her eyes.

"Mumma, there's no one in my bed," she whispered. Shelby quietly climbed out of bed and scooped the girl and led her back to bed. Thankful for a distraction.

…..

They weren't church people. Shelby didn't bring the kids to church not because they were Godless or she had an avid hatred of organized religion. It simply wasn't a priority. She had grown up in the church and had been embraced by the community and the beliefs and the church structure provided enough room for her to explore and grow.

However, her children weren't raised in the church. Shelby always wanted it to be, but it just didn't happen. Nevertheless, every Christmas they all went to the evening service. There were traditional readings, carols and lighting of the candles. And every year it was always a chore to get them there and a miracle that her children didn't burn the church down with the candles.

Rachel looked around at the row of relatives. Bear, Shelby, Joey, Helen, and Michael were strategically placed between the kids. Years of going to church where the service involved candle lighting, taught them that an adult needed to be there at all times.

The service was almost serene. Rachel always looked forward to it. She was able to watch everyone and still feel safe. She always focused on someone throughout the service. This year she watched a woman across from her. She was slightly older than her mother and she was so ….. pulled into what was happening during the service. As if she was looking for something. The time finally arrived where they had to light the candles. Rachel perked up. She could hear her sisters laughing over the candle. Quinn seemed to enjoy the service because Santana and her kept whispering back and forth. She knew her big sister Quinn had never had a church experience like this. She had normally had to sit really still but Santana kept poking her despite the fact that their Aunt Joey sat between them.

Rachel carefully held her candle and looked back at the woman. She was staring at her candle and crying. Rachel frowned and unconsciously tilted her candle.

"Whoa, bug, careful," Bear stated next to her resteadying her candle.

"Why's she crying?" Rachel whispered.

Bear followed her gaze and took a deep breath. He gave his head a slight shake. "Maybe because she had a hard year."

"It's not the end of the year yet," she muttered.

"Sometimes," Bear said glancing down at the candle. "These candle mean something to people. People use them at funerals or … at at vigils. So sometimes they're a reminder for people..."

"Reminder of what?"

"How things happened or didn't happen," he said gently. "It's a tradition."

"Oh she muttered. Rachel frowned and looked down the line and then back at Bear. "Then what is Nana remembering?"

Bear followed her gaze and saw his mother in law in tears looking at the candle.

"I'm not sure," he said softly. He looked down at her with a subtle smile. Rachel swore she saw his eyes glisten but she wasn't sure.

Before she knew it the service was over. Shelby held her hand carefully as the family wove through the crowd just in serendipitous time for Rachel to see Sugar. She yanked on her mother's arm. "Mumma look!"

Santana and Quinn groaned.

"Girls," Shelby warned.

"Hi!" Rachel said not letting go of Shelby's hand but dragging her mother over to Sugar and her equally large family.

Sugar smoothed out her green dress. "Do you like my dress?"

Rachel nodded eagerly.

Sugar smiled. "Good. I AM the most beautiful girl in the world," she smiled with a proud shake of her head.

Rachel laughed. "I know you say that everyday."

Sugar leaned over and cupped her hand next to her mouth as she whispered in Rachel's ear. "My daddy's partner dropped the present off at your house."

"He did?!"Rachel exclaimed causing everyone to look at her.

Sugar shook her head in disapproval. "Yes, silly, now be quiet." She leaned closer. "My daddy doesn't know. It's a secret too because I told my daddy's partner a long time ago that i would get him fired if he didn't get me everything I wanted."

"That's lucky," Rachel whispered with a nod.

"So, when you get it, your mom can't tell my dad," she said carefully.

"She won't! She'll love it!" Rachel beamed "It'll be the best gift ever."

"What will?" Santana asked as she moved down the shorter girls' level.

"Nothing," Sugar said.

Rachel shook her head. "Nothing," she said and couldn't contain her smile.

….

Quinn could barely sleep all night. She knew that Santana couldn't sleep because the girl stayed up practically talking to herself about something. It was like she had planned something elaborate. Quinn was nervous. She knew what Christmas morning looked like at her parents' house. It looked the same. However, she felt like she was trapped in the end of Home Alone 2. She felt like there was cheerful music, perfectly planned snow, and picturesque Christmas displays surrounded her. It felt surreal. She was waiting for the director... aka GOD... to call cut on her life and for the scene around her to crumble. It was Christmas morning and she was bracing herself for its fall.

Rachel slept with Shelby that night and Quinn swore that girl woke up the house like a screaming Banshee

"MOM, THERE'S SOMETHING UNDER MY PILLOW! WAKE UP!"

Quinn groaned. Wasn't shelby sleeping next to her? She heard a patter of little feet. Maybe this meant she didn't have the plague? Children that run that fast don't have the plague.

"EVERYONE GET UP!" Rachel screamed again. "We have to go on a hunt! We have to!"

Quinn glared at the ceiling. "What -"

"Come on," Santana said excitedly. "Let's go watch."

Quinn arched her brow. Who was this? She watched and groaned in frustration as Santana tugged her along as they followed Rachel through the house. Quinn wasn't an idiot. Santana had set up a scavenger hunt for Rachel to find the gift. Rachel was radiating with excitement. Bear was even following them around with a video camera. She was grateful that Joey, the cousins, and Noah were sitting with their grandparents on the couch eating pancakes and watching the Christmas news. However, it wasn't even news. There were shots of babies and puppies all over the screen. Quinn was jealous and wanted to eat pancakes. However she was stuck as Santana's wing man. Since when did she need a wingman?

"Rachel, slow down," Shelby called running after her.

"We're almost done," Santana said with a smile.

Rachel raced into the music room and lifted the piano cover on the baby grand as she her fingers on the edge of the piano. Her hand was above her head holding the lid open. She gasped in excitement.

"MOM, LOOK!"

Santana and Quinn turned the corner just as Rachel released her hand from holding the cover. Shelby and Santana reached out to catch the lid of the cover that Rachel let go of the lid in distracted glee. They missed.

Quinn grimaced. She hated that it required Rachel to get her head slammed by the baby grand to stop Santana from dragging her around the house, but Quinn couldn't help but feel grateful that it was over.

After fifteen minutes of tears, Rachel finally was able to open the gift that Santana had take so much care to hide. She gave her sister a grateful smile and a happy hug at the necklace. Nevertheless, Santana had a hint of disappointment on her face. It wasn't how she wanted things to go.

"Thank you, Sanny," Rachel whispered hugging her sister.

Santana gave a weak smile. "You're welcome," she whispered hugging her back. She gave a heavy sigh, but pulled Rachel into her lap, a distant look settling in her eyes.

Presents were almost all opened an hour later. Remnants of their stockings were already half consumed. Each of the kids had their share of clothes, and shoes, and gift cards, and cds and now there was a small amount of wrapped gifts that remained. Everything was always strategically planned. Santana's face still hadn't moved. She watched as Quinn lingered by the tree. She had seemed okay with her gift, but every gift Quinn opened, Santana felt as if she was weighing the emotional and monetary value of her own that Quinn bought for everyone else. None of this was going how Santana had pictured. Her mother kept asking Quinn to fix ornaments on the tree. She wasn't sure wasn't sure why though; she guessed maybe to distract her. She wasn't sure.

"Here," Rachel muttered as she set a gift in Santana's lap.

Santana smiled at her sister. Rachel's gifts were always the most amusing. She opened it carefully with a tentative smile but her smile faded as she removed the wrapping paper.

"Rachel," she whispered. "This isn't ….. "

It was a box that Santana knew all too well. Santana always bought it from Macy's herself while she and Brittany were roaming around looking for things. She would lie and saw she was buying it for a boy. It was the cologne that she had bought for years. It was the cologne that she sprayed on her father's sweatshirt; it had been his cologne.

"Rachel," she whispered again.

"Do you like it?" she asked carefully.

"Yeah," she said tearfully. "um... Yeah..." She pulled Rachel back into her arms. "This much more than the amount Mom gives us."

"It's from me and Quinn and Mumma and Noah, but they said I could get the credit," she muttered into her ear.

Santana nodded. She had such a surge of emotions in her chest and she wasn't sure if she was happy. All of her big presents this year had been about her father. She wasn't ashamed of him but he was her quiet secret; she had been wrong. Everyone that she loved saw how attached she was to him and her vulnerable transparency scared her.

Santana forced Rachel to sit in her lap and that's when she spotted the envelope in the tree. She pointed at the tree. "Q, Mom's been trying to get you to see that all morning," she said dryly.

Shelby rolled her eyes. "Thank you, San."

Quinn blushed and went to the tree. She sighed and felt awkward as everyone watched her open it. She knew she was breaking her own rule with her unwrapping of most of the gifts that she had received, but it seemed almost worst to reject them. However, she had the box upstairs and she had agreed with Shelby that all of the presents she unwrapped could be stored in the box and whenever she was ready she could use them and accept them.

She gave opened the envelope and pulled out the packet of papers.

Her heart gave a tiny flutter.

"Merry Christmas, Quinn," Shelby whispered from beside her as the young girl looked down at the papers.

"Quinn Nicole Corcoran," it read.

Shelby pulled her close into a hug. "I love you so much. The papers came in officially a week ago. I wanted to surprise you.

Quinn stared down at the papers. This was her name now.

She looked at the people in the room. They were all looking at her as they attempted to gauge their reaction to hers. She gave a smile and a nod. She didn't know what to say. She held the papers close to her and sat down quietly next to Santana. She just didn't know what to say. Then she remembered.

"I have your gift..." Quinn mumbled as she reached in her pants pocket. "Um... here..." she whispered.

She pulled out a tiny jewelry box. Shelby smiled in surprise. "Oh, Quinn," she whispered looking at the box and tracing her fingers over it with tender appreciation. She opened it carefully and she put her hand on her heart. It was a mother's ring: four birthstones of the kids wrapped carefully in a setting of silver. "This is beautiful," she said pulling Quinn into a hug.

Quinn nodded as she rested her head on Shelby's shoulder. "I'm glad you like it," she muttered.

"I think that's all of them," Shelby said with a clap.

Rachel jumped up. "Mumma, I have one more for you."

Joey looked at her niece with narrowed eyes. "What?"

"It's in the other room. Don't move!" Rachel ran carefully out of the room and returned to the room carrying a box unsteadily as if her box has a shifting weight. Michael reached out and took the box out of habit.

"Rach, what did you... he began but trailed off.

The box was moving.

"Open it, Mumma!" Rachel smiled in excitement. Shelby looked at her father who has a slightly worried glance. She leaned forward and removed the lid with caution as Rachel leaned forward with excitement.

There inside the box was a -

"SWEET BABY JESUS, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" Joey screeched as Shelby jumped back and Michael lifted Rachel's face from the box.

"Merry Christmas!" Rachel smiled but then the smile faded as she saw the look of fear and horror on the family's face.

What happened for the next 45 minutes was chaos. Turns out despite a great deal of arguing and panic, Rachel had given Shelby a very confused, very frightened and very feisty, three week old Fennec Fox. After several phone calls, concern and Rachel's attempt to hold the fox, Shelby was able to get the story. Sugar had stolen the fox from the zoo. After another thirty minutes the zoo came over and picked up the fox much to Rachel's confusion and sadness.

"I just don't understand why we can't keep it. Sugar said that people have foxes all the time as pets and they're a perfect mixture of puppy and a kitten," Rachel said during dinner, making it the 20943209th time that she had brought up her confusion about the situation.

"They're wild and rare, Rachel," Shelby said. "They're not domestic animals."

"But they are the most glorious present," Rachel mumbled in disappointment.

"Maybe, but they shouldn't be a pet," she said simply to her daughter. "The zoo told us that they're going to name the baby fox after you, Rachel. It's be yours but you won't have to take care of her. She belongs with her Mumma just like you belong with me."

Rachel finally gave a nod of understanding. "Okay."

The rest of the night was mellow. Shelby could feel Rachel's disappointment but also she was baffled herself about how her incredibly intelligent child had been convinced to steal a wild animal and bring it home as a pet. Bear had bought Noah and the boys tickets to the cleveland browns game and they were off planning what they were going to take for the tailgate party. he was occupied with something new. Santana was slightly withdrawn. There was something in her head and everytime Shelby would pry or attempt to offer any comfort, Santana would snap like a trap. Quinn, like Santana, was stuck in her head but seemed more content than normal. Shelby suspected that she was battling the official change of her name. She couldn't push them to talk to her. She couldn't fix everything.

Shelby rocked Rachel in the rocking chair around bedtime. Her chest was still tight from all of the excitement of the day and much to the girl's protest she was using the nebulizer. Shelby was grateful that Rachel appeared to be the only child to get exhausted by the steroid in the medication while so many other kids became more hyper. Rachel was always exhausted after a treatment.

"Are you mad?" Rachel asked under the mask.

"No," Shelby whispered. "Just... surprised and confused."

"I want to give you something that you deserve. Something glorious and exciting and amazing." She lowered her voice even more. "You do so much for us and we all wanted to give you something you deserve."

Shelby smile gently. "You all are enough for me."

"But... what if we aren't?" she asked with a slight cough.

"You are," she whispered. "Always."

Rachel leaned back further in her arms, slowly beginning to relax. Shelby briefly remembered when Rachel started having asthma she was always afraid she would stop breathing in the night. However, she heard that every parent feared that.

Shelby reached over and shut off the machine and could hear Rachel's gentle snores. She lingered for a moment after she lay her in Quinn's bed. Would it always be like this? When would that moment come where they wouldn't sleep all in one bed because the fears and insecurities of the evening no longer sucked them in? Would that ever happen? She was thankful that they leaned on each other but hated that it was a necessity and found herself wondering if it was terrible that she was encouraging them to be crutches to one another.

An hour later the entire house was quiet. Almost over, she told herself as she eased under the covers. New Years and then we're done.

We're not done, a voice in her head said.

The trial started next week. She couldn't stop that. She knew herself enough to know that she was fixating on the holidays to avoid the unpredictable turmoil of the trial. At least for the holidays, she had control. She wasn't ready to give that up.

…..

Quinn's eyes opened to commotion under her bed. She frowned and looked over her shoulder at the clock. 2:41 am. She reached over in bed and felt Rachel in bed with her and then she turned to her other side. Santana was missing. She climbed out of and saw that Santana had draped the top sheet from the bed that the three of them always kicked off.

"San?" she asked.

"What?" Santana gruffed back.

"What are you doing?"

"It was the one holiday," she said quietly.

"What?" Quinn asked looking at her.

"It was the one holiday," she said again. She sighed and picked at her cuticles. "It was the holiday that my father cared about. He cared about birthdays, but he never cared about his or any other holiday like this. He... " She looked down at her hands. "We had a um... we had a calendar. One of those advent ones... He bought if for me the Christmas before he died." She shrugged one of her shoulders. "I only used it once. ….. but that year... he put little notes in each day with the little... advent thing. Noah didn't care and Rachel's best friend was binkie then... so... yeh...I remember thinking that we were always going to do that... we …. were always going to …. have notes in our calendar..." She rolled her teary eyes. "I … I don't know."

She caught Quinn's eye and then looked away.

"Santana," Quinn began. She knew exactly why Santana was sulking. Santana was a hard person to read, but once you did, once the secret was found out, she read like a book. She was upset because of the day's imperfections.

"Don't," she said with a weak smile. "The day was a hot mess. Nothing turned out like it was supposed to...Just... Let me be sad about this..."

"I'm not saying you shouldn't be," Quinn stated. She gave her a weak look. "I'm just saying she was so excited and that's why she slammed her head,. She was excited for this. She loves her gift too... Is this really about that though or more about... her gift to you?... and Brittany's gift to you?"

Santana shook her head. "Whatever," she sighed. "It just... I don't know... whatever. It's not that."

"I'm not going to let you sit here and sulk alone," Quinn said as she sat down beside her.

"Well, then either sulk with me or get the hell out," she snapped.

"Calm yourself, cujo," she said. "I'll sit with you."

Santana narrowed her eyes and watched Quinn for a moment.

"What?" Quinn asked.

"You can't tell anyone," she said. Quinn looked at her as if she was insulted that Santana had forgot that she could keep a secret. "sorry," Santana grumbled. She pulled out a bottle of Vodka that was half empty.

Quinn arched her brow; she wasn't sure how she missed the smell of it.

"What are you doing?"

"Knitting a sweater! What does it look like I'm doing?" Santana barked. "You in or out."

Quinn looked at the bottle and then back at Santana. The day had been exhausting. it had been perfect in a few ways but terrible in others. Quinn never would have sought out a drink, but she couldn't resist its offering.

….

Shelby looked around the hospital. Why were they here? she looked to her left and Rachel had a mask over her face.

Why were they at the hospital for a neb treatment?

Beeping. There was beeping everywhere.

The typically white walls were covered with animals. Damn it she hated those damn animals. She frowned as she searched the pattern closer. It was all Fennec Foxes.

She rolled her eyes. She could feel the wheezing her in her child's chest . She called over a nurse. There were so many nurses, but they weren't wearing scrubs. They were wearing sweatpants. They were moving in front of her. It was so strange.

A nurse suddenly appeared in front of her.

"Hi, we're going to have to take her into surgery."

"I'm sorry, what?" Shelby asked holding her tighter.

The nurse nodded. "It's a simple surgery. You don't have to worry about it. We're going to repair the..." The woman trailed off.

The woman looked at her. "I'll take her now."

Shelby frowned and tried to kep Rachel in her arms. "No," she said frantically. I can't to talk to a doctor. You can't take her into surgery like this. She needs a stretcher. She needs to change out of her pajamas."

"The surgeons will do that," the nurse said.

"No," Shelby said again. "This doesn't make sense."

"What are you operating on her for?"

"Let me take her," she urged.

"No," Shelby said. This wasn't like her other dreams. this wasn't real. The couldn't be real. "She's not going with a nurse in sweatpants!"

"Ma'am let us do our job," she insisted. She pulled Rachel from her arms and carried her haphazardly in her arms down the long hallway.

Shelby went after them. "I don't understand why she needs surgery."

"It's simple. We're going to repair her... and then she'll be fine."

"Her what?" Shelby asked. They walked through swinging doors and then when shelby got to them a half second later, they were locked. She banged on the door. "What is going on?! Give me my kid!"

Shelby blinked and she was sitting in the waiting room flipping through a Newsweek magazine. She wouldn't be doing this. She wouldn't. The nurse came out and she was holding a scrub cap. Why... what?

She stood up. "I know I said it was simple," she began. "But it became complicated. We did everything we could."

"No!" Shelby said as she rushed to the doors that were still magically locked. "NO!"

"I'm sorry. Rachel's dead. We couldn't revive her."

Shelby sat up gasping for breath. What was going on with her?

….

Rachel rubbed her eyes and sat up. She frowned and looked around the room. She was alone in bed.

A laugh from could be heard from beneath her bed. She looked around. She was in Quinn's bed. She looked around again. Santana's sweatshirt was in Quinn's bed too. Well, Rachel reconsidered, it was their dad's sweatshirt but Santana wore it all the time.

"San?"

"Shhh... you woke her up," Santana whispered.

"I didn't. You did," Quinn giggled back. "She's totally going to tell on us."

"She won't," Santana whispered back. Rachel rubbed her eyes again when she saw Santana come into focus and stagger out from under the loft bed. "Hey, bug," she smiled goofily. "Come here."

Santana held out her arms and pulled Rachel safely into them. Rachel hugged her back unsure of what they were doing. She carried her behind a sheet that was draped under Quinn's bed like a fort.

"What are we doing?" she asked with a yawn as Santana sat down and pulled her into her lap.

"We're just drinking some juice and playing cards," Santana smiled.

"But it's late," Rachel said leaning back into Santana.

"It is," Santana smiled.

"Can I have some juice too?"

Santana and Quinn exchanged a look.

"It's not vegan," Santana argued.

"I'm not vegan anymore, remember? I can do it," Rachel frowned.

Quinn and Santana exchanged another look with each other. "Only very little though, Rachel, because you aren't used to it"

Rachel nodded and took a sip of Santana's juice and made a sour face but continued to drink the juice because her sisters were watching her, expecting her not to like it.

"Okay, that's enough," Santana said quickly.

After about twenty minutes Rachel had had a few more sips. Santana watched as her younger sisters swayed with intoxication. She was wondering if they couldn't mix alcohol with the medications they were on. However, Santana's own buzzed brain didn't mind. She laughed. Naw. This was making her feel better. She hadn't gone to barely any parties this year and she hadn't been able to let loose, escape. She knew in her heart that Christmas this year wasn't a disaster. There weren't any fights or anything terrible. The fox was bizarre, and incredibly ironic, her brain told herself.

She looked over at her sisters. They were happy. Why couldn't she be happy? Why couldn't she be grateful? She paused. She couldn't do a lot of things; she knew that better than anyone.

"Santana," Quinn asked. "Why are you reeelllly upset."

Santana leaned back and felt Rachel tilt her head and look up at her.

"I don't know how to be happy," she whispered.

"Cheers to that!" Quinn laughed as she raised her glass.

"Me TOO!" Rachel raised hers and almost spilt it everywhere.

"It hurts everyday and I just don't know how to deal with it," Santana said calmly.

Rachel turned and looked at her straight on from Santana's lap and pulled at her shirt. "Do you have a boo-boo? Where?"

"I think we gave her too much," Santana cackled as she pulled Rachel back into her lap.

"Well, I'm officially your sister, so I can help you... not that I wasn't before but Imma CORCORAN BITCHES!"

"Me too! Me too!" Rachel scrunched her nose. "BITCHES!"

Santana laughed and screamed when the curtain that had been covering their fort was removed.

"Excuse me?" Shelby asked tiredly with her hands on her hips.

"Uh... ohhhhh," Rachel sang. She yanked on Quinn and Santana's shirts. "We woke Mumma up," she whispered in a less than whisper.

"You certainly did," Shelby said.

So there you have it. We kinda sorta completely survived the holidays. It wasn't EXACTLY what I pictured, but I think it is one of the best it can be. Please let me know what you all think.

Also! Please check out my tumblr and check out the trailers that Amanda has put together. They're amazing! Also, I posted above a script that Ally put together. Take a look! :)