Gleekalwaysand4eve – I am so glad you found this story! To answer your question, because of the dynamics there is no Quick – Puck and Quinn are only siblings and will remain only siblings. Thanks for the review.
Ellybelly07 – They seem to be back to the beginning but they are really not – they just have to change the way they cope because the way they learned has come back to haunt them instead of help them. You will see a little bit of who comes forward in the trial. I am sorry you wanted to see more of it but I am not a lawyer and I really cant pretend to be. Also, I wanted to focus on the actual effects that it had on the characters more than the actual daily grind of the trial. I never intended the girls to be in attendance of the trial either so it would have been hard to do it that way. The circles that the kids are going through hopefully will end soon but they will be dealing with this for most of their lives – its just how they deal with it will be different. Thank you for reviewing.
Brittanyismyunicorn – Thank you so much for your kind words. It was a very emotional chapter and Quinn and San and Rachel will all need each other to lean on. They are going to have a rough time but with the right therapy I am hoping all will come out ok. Thank you for the review.
RaneJizzoli – I am glad you caught up! It is a very tough read and I totally understand why people have to stop reading. These kids have been through a lot and it is extremely emotional. I am glad that you enjoyed it. Thank you for reviewing.
Asmodeus Poisonteeth – Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to me. It is a very hard read and I understand it. It is sometimes very draining to write but it I also want to make it as real as possible. Thank you for the review, they are always appreciated.
NinjaGleek21 – sorry to leave you panicking. The lawyer does need to go in the box but unfortunately – there are lawyers that are very cold old there. I hope you like this chapter. Thanks for the review and the cookie!
Guest – This story is filled with plenty of angst and I don't see it dying down too much yet. Thanks for sticking with it and thanks for the review.
IloveDiannaAgron – it is hard to read and I appreciate you reading it but if it is too tough for you I completely understand. Thank you for trying and I appreciate your honesty.
1moredreamer –no problem - I love that you took the time to review. I always appreciate it. Quinn's testimony was brutal and her lies did not help her but she is finally through it. Rachel and Quinn are in the hospital together. Its kind of a tough time again for the girls. I love how much you review and I love that you registered. Thanks so much Renata.
Scout88 –I have to say I got confused at the review at first and then I saw the chapter you reviewed. So I get it. Shelby is going to have her hands full. I hope you like how she handled it. Quinn's testimony was hard but it was unfortunately expected. The programs that they have to go in are intense but they are necessary. Thank you for reviewing I loved it and I am glad you liked the chapter.
Amazed – I am not a lawyer so I don't know the answer myself but I believe they would make Quinn testify with him there but Rachel may not have had to in real life. But I do know that if she didn't then it could be a chance that if he is convicted he could appeal it so I went with what I thought was best. Thank you for reviewing.
Walkingonthunder – I was taken back by your review until I noticed what chapter it was for. Thank you so much for reviewing and putting this story as one of your favorites.
Jess – Thank you so much – I love my readers and reviewers.
krazyy989 – Lawyers will spin it anyway to make their clinics look better and Quinn unfortunately lied so as tough as it was on her – it was expected. And we will probably not see Mr. Schue testifying. Thanks for the review.
Guest - I am glad you like it. I hope you like this chapter. Thanks for the review.
thelastcenturian – I want to do more than punch them in the faces but we will see what happens to them. Thanks for the review.
Cookie07 – the girls have a lot of work ahead of them and they will need everyone in their corner especially Noah. Thank you so much for reviewing all the time I really do appreciate it.
OTHangels – THANK YOU
marinka4 – I think you meant Felix and my answer is not soon enough! Thanks for the review.
Sarah11650 –My favorite character changes so sometimes I really love Santana, many times I love Rachel but I also love Shelby, Noah and Quinn. However, my beta loves Quinn so she helps me with her. Neither girl would ever become an abuser even though that is a fear for people. Just not in my story. I can't even discuss what a poor portrayal of Shelby the show did - it was horrendous. Never worry about your review length - I love it - thank you for taking th time.
Ryoko05 – Thank you for your reviews. I am so glad you enjoyed it and to be honest I feel Shelby's panic too.
BMontague - Thank you first and foremost for your review and honesty. While I'm not well-versed in the the law aspects of it, I do work in the system. I understand your frustration, but again at the end of the day this is the story and what I was focusing on was the revictimization and the redirection of blame of the girls, which is an action that I see frequently. In terms of working with the system, there is such a plethora of players that so frequently things go "wrong." Someone drops the ball and the domino effect continues. I understand the frustration, but I didn't bring Alicia in expecting her to be the best lawyer nor did I characterize Felix to be a lawyer who knew to have his ducks all in line. I very much recognize that my law background is lacking, but I am pretty well-versed in dealing with children and trauma. The girls haven't received the care that they need because of Shelby in a way. Yes, Shelby babies the girls. This is something that I put in place since the beginning. Next chapter really focuses on that. While Shelby has been a very gentle mother with the kids, she ultimately is an enabler who has not been open to services outside of the family, which is something I deal with on a daily basis. Not all kids are the same. I have almost 80 children on my own case load right now and they're all different. A huge point of this trial was to demonstrate that what has happened since the trauma in New York has not been properly dealt with. That's why the wounds were opened so easily. I'm not trying to demonstrate in this story how families "should" cope but instead how their process of coping occurs so often is. If all the players in each of our professions did the best that they could and advocate for the same thing, our jobs would be much easier. I really appreciate your words and I am also grateful for your frustration. This story is one of many. It's certainly not perfect. Thank you for taking the time to write this and read it! I really appreciate it!
Look4me - Sorry you are so annoyed by Rachel. You have always told me that you didn't like her. I respect and appreciate that you took the time to share your opinion. Her characterization is consistent with children I have worked with. Some people find them annoying and overwhelming too, and consequently is why they've been in different placements. She's supposed to be annoying and clinging, and I can understand why that's frustrating for you to read. Thank you for letting me know that this chapter was a struggle for you to read. I appreciated you taking the time to read the story for this long. However, if you are not a fan of Rachel, the story may continue to be more frustrating for you. I respect and affirm your wish not to read it. It means a lot that you've stuck by it for this long. I know that you used to enjoy it, especially based on the incredible script that you wrote. :) I'm sorry it has become a source of annoyance. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and concerns!
Thank you all for your overwhelming response. I am so grateful. there are no words for my gratitude. This is a much shorter chapter than anticipated. I kinda of split what had planned into two parts.
Shelby looked over her shoulder and watched her mother was zipping up a duffle of clothes and whatever things her mother believed that they needed. How was she calm? How was she prepared and Shelby felt like she was about to be pushed off of the edge?
"Shelby, I just took Quinn's temp again," Helen said with a bit of urgency but still calm. She was direct and focused. "It's 104.3. We have to go. Do you want to meet us there?"
Shelby felt her chest tighten. She had to go. She had to leave but she couldn't leave Rachel, but she couldn't fight with Rachel. She peeked into the cabinet. She needed to see Rachel's face and to make sure that she was okay. She knew she saw Rachel's food shaking. Maybe she just needed to be on the nebulizer. She would leave her and take Quinn to the hospital, but she had an aching feeling in her gut. She couldn't.
"I need to pull her out," she said to her father and brother-in-law. She felt a sinking feeling in her gut.
Santana looked at her with big eyes. "Mom," she said worriedly. She hadn't moved from her spot yet.
"Santana, go and get the nebulizer please and grab a coat," Shelby ordered and her eldest daughter finally found her feet and ran up the backstairs.
Shelby exchanged a look with her father. She wasn't sure what she was saying but she was concerned and she felt like they were on the edge of a precipice and they would either all off the edge or learn how to step back. She peeked into the cabinet. She could hear Rachel wheezing heavily. She could see her chest rising and falling with heaviness. It was dark in the cabinet but she could see her eyes were trained to the floor. She wasn't there. It wasn't that Rachel wasn't listening but she couldn't hear them.
Shelby pulled her head out. "Call 911. We need an ambulance for both of them."
Bear nodded and began to dial. Santana raced back into the kitchen. "I have it," she said breathlessly.
"Plug it in," she said to her daughter before turning to her father. "Help me get her out." She reached into the small space and bent Rachel down so not to hit her head. She wasn't sure how Rachel managed to climb into this cabinet in the least. She was expecting a struggle but got none. She pulled Rachel out as her father supported her head and attempted move the pots and pans too. She took the mask for Santana and the nebulizer was turned on. Rachel still didn't push it away. Her eyes were unfocused in front of her and her face was red and her body was trembling but was otherwise unresponsive
"What's happening?" Santana asked with worry. "Rachel, look at me." The girl didn't respond. "Rachel!"
"Santana, yelling at her won't help," Shelby said as she shifted the girl in her arms. "She's... she's not here... we're going to take her to the hospital."
A small cry from behind her interrupted as Noah emerged with Quinn in his arms. "Ready?" He saw Rachel and the floor. "What happened?"
"No," Shelby said. "Set her down on the window seat, Noah. We called an ambulance."
Quinn whined and pushed at Noah. "I want to be in my bed. Where's Mom?" she said pushing at Noah as he set her down.
"I'm right here, Quinn," Shelby said unsure of this new left of clinginess that Quinn was demonstrating.
Shelby watched as her two eldest children exchanged a look. Santana looked at her with regret. "I should have been there," the sixteen year old said said. "I should have been there."
Shelby looked down at Rachel and saw that her gaze was still absent underneath. She was also burning up. Shelby gave a shaky sigh. She reached a hand out to call for her mother.
"I got it," Santana said quickly before Shelby could even verbalize what she was saying. Santana told her grandmother she needed the thermometer.
Joey was trying to talk quietly to Quinn who was only moaning and pushing her away and trying to peel off her clothes. Shelby called out to her just as Santana returned with the thermometer.
Shelby took the thermometer from Santana and allowed Santana to take Rachel who was still unresponsive underneath the mask. Santana gave her a relieved look grateful to hold her but then felt her heart plummet as Santana saw that her presence didn't make a difference in Rachel's reaction. Shelby took her temperature and the girl didn't move a muscle. She frowned at the result. Damn it. where was that damn ambulance?
"How high is it?" Bear asked as he brought the kid's coats in.
"103," she said with a sigh.
"Mine wasn't that high, was it?" Santana asked.
"No, it wasn't," Shelby said. Her attention shifted back to the window as Quinn was struggling to unbutton her jacket. She went to her and knelt by her, thankful as she heard the ambulance in the distance. "Quinn, calm down. I'm right here. calm down."
Quinn's eyes lit up and she settled. "I'm just... I'm hot... can I go back to bed. Please? Please?"
"No, honey," Shelby said as she heard her father greet the EMTs at the door.
Just as she turned she heard Rachel heave under the mask. The little girl threw up and coughed underneath the mask just as she the EMTS came in and shouted instructions about sitting Rachel up and removing the mask so that she didn't choke, only to discover that Rachel was still unresponsive, which was even more concerning. Shelby saw another ambulance show up grateful that her brother in law was able to convey that they needed help for both girls.
"We need to head to the hospital with her," Rachel's EMT said as Santana tried to simultaneously wipe off the vomit and follow them.
"We're going to start an IV with her," the male EMT said pointing to Quinn.
"I'm coming," Santana said. "Let me just change."
"We need an adult," a young EMT said.
"I'll go," Helen stated.
"Rachel doesn't have a kidney," Shelby stated. "Quinn doesn't have a spleen and both have been fighting this flu for a day or so. Right? Quinn's fever spiked this afternoon. I'll ride with her."
"I'm coming too," Santana said urgently.
""I'll take you and Noah, San," Joey said. "Go change, San. Hurry."
Santana looked at Rachel as her mother started talk more to the EMTs about the issues. She felt a breath of panic.
"Santana," Bear said stepping in front of her. "Look at me. Go get changed. They'll be okay. Okay? Go get changed."
Santana gave a shaky nod and made her way up the stairs as the girls left the house on stretchers.
...
Shelby could barely register what had just happened. She couldn't hear the words that were being told her her. She was just thankful that Quinn was still holding her hand. The squeeze wasn't tight but it was still there. The sickly girl was still with her.
"I'm going to put an IV in," Shelby barely heard the EMT. Quinn just looked at Shelby with a exhausted frown. her brow barely flinched when the needle when in.
"Are we going home?" Quinn asked quietly.
"No," she said quietly as they went over a bump and Shelby bounced. She gave her a soft smile.
"She may be delusional and that's expected," the EMT said softly.
Shelby gave a panicked grimace trying her best to keep her game face on. However, in her heart of hearts she knew this was bad and what was worst is that she knew it was not going to improve. The ambulance came to an abrupt stop and barely a second later the door opened.
"What do we have?"
"Sixteen year old female. Temperature is 104 and rising. She's starting to be delusional. She recently had her spleen removed. Page Dr. Pierce. He know's they're coming in."
"They?" the ER doctor asked just as the other ambulance came in.
"We called in the other ambulance," the EMT said with a frown of confusion.
Shelby looked over as her mother climbed out behind Rachel stretcher and they exchanged a worried look.
"Eleven year old female. She's been unresponsive for the last seven minutes. She had very labored breathing. When we were on scene, she vomited in her breathing mask of her nebulizer."
Shelby scoured the area. While Quinn was weakly still trying to hold her hand, Rachel wasn't moving. Her eyes weren't open and there were doctors talking about them around her. She wasn't there.
"Shelby!" she snapped into action and look at her mother in front of her and a young intern in front of her. "We need to know their history."
"Um..."Shelby managed as doctors swarmed the girls.
Quinn let out a weak, but panicked moan when the doctors began a central line while simultaneously undressing her and changing her into a gown.
"Wait," Shelby said. The doctors looked at her. "She's... she's sensitive and..."
"Shelby," Dr. Pierce said coming behind her. "We have it from here."
"I ... I um... " Shelby watched as the nurses and interns tried to calm Quinn down. She tried to reach forward but felt her mother's hand on her arm.
"Shelby, let them do their work," Helen urged.
"They... they both testified today, Tom," Shelby said making eye contact. The doctor paused and met her eyes. Her voice lowered. "It didn't go well..."
He gave a stiff nod. "Let me have some time with them. You know you can't be in here," he pushed.
"Tom, I need them to be okay," she urged.
"Shelby, I know," he said. "You know I will do my very best. I love them too."
"I can't..." she muttered, but she trailed off as she looked over at Rachel.
Rachel wasn't moving. or making a noise. The nurses spoke gently to her as she stripped Rachel out of her clothes and into a gown. Shelby felt a surge of panic just in time to hear a nurse by Quinn ring out in a panicked tone.
"We need to cool her down, Dr. Pierce. She's burning up," she urged again.
Shelby looked at her mother with a deep breath and worry as she looked down again at Rachel.
"Her fever is 103, Dr. Pierce," an intern next to Rachel said.
"Start her on an IV and get her on a monitor and the nebulizer," he said from near Quinn as he nodded at a resident to tend to Rachel.
Shelby looked at Rachel with a weak smile. "Rachel, honey, look at me," she whispered. She waited for Rachel too look at her. She received nothing. "Rachel?"
"Shelby, let's get out of their way," Helen said.
"Shelby, you need to leave," Tom said.
Shelby was frozen. "Rachel, look at me," she urged. She didn't get anything in return. Not even a glance. Rachel was just continued to silently breathe was heaved breaths. "Rachel, it's Mumma. Look at me." She said more sharply, cupping her face gently.
Nothing.
Shelby felt a punch in her stomach. She felt her body stiffen and lose its feeling as she was led away from the girls. What was happening?
...
Santana paced through her room then across the hall to Rachels and then back into Quinn's. What was she forgetting? She had George. She had their clothes and Quinn's favorite book and Rachel's iPod. She just needed that one last thing. What was it?"
"Santana, we need to go," Joey said.
"I can't forget anything!" she snapped.
"Hey," Joey said. "We can come back. Okay?"
"I know that!" she hissed again. "But they need this stuff. Let me think."
"San," Noah attempted. "Calm down."
"Shut up!" she said breathing heavily. "Let me think!"
She closed her eyes what was she forgetting?
The lamb.
"Okay, she said after running and retrieving it. I got it," she said after a moment.
"We're not going to turn around, San," Joey said as she pulled on her coat for a millionth time.
Santana rummaged through her bag. "I think I have everything."
She looked over at her uncle and her grandfather. Her grandfather was on the phone and shaking his head.
"What's wrong?" Santana asked. She looked at her aunt. "What's wrong?"
Michael caught his granddaughter's eyes and gave a small shake of his head and walked away for a moment, trying to demonstrate that he needed a few minutes while he finished on the phone.
"Who is he talking to?" Santana asked with worry.
"Hey," Noah said looking at Santana. "He'll tell us, alright? Don't freak out just yet."
"How can you not freak out?" she hollered.
Michael hung up the phone and walked over to the family. He tried his best to put on his gentle smile. He needed to get his family to the hospital. "Are we ready to go?"
"What's happening?" Santana asked with an urgent voice.
"Santana, we'll talk about it later," he said as he opened the door toward the garage. He couldn't focus on that. he couldn't look at Santana. He couldn't be reminded of how broken things were. He needed to focus on the little things, like getting out the door. They had to get in the car and get to the hospital.
"No, now!" she said with a deep set frown and desperation masked by aggressive . "I need to know!"
Michael's calm demeanor broke as he slammed the door. "No, Santana!"
"Dad," Joey said with unsure eyes.
"Santana, you cannot get what you want! We will tell you things when the time is right!"
"Michael," Bear urged. "Take a breath."
"Santana, I love you and you know that," Michael said; his voice now calmer. "But you're old enough not to yell and demand. I'm sorry I yelled, but I'm not sorry for what I said."
"Hey, back off," Noah said as he stepped forward and watched Santana look at the floor for support.
"Let's go," he said with a heavy sigh. "Come on."
Santana remained silent and slipped on her coat. Noah couldn't read her. He didn't know what to say and he didn't know what she was thinking.
"You okay?" Joey asked.
"I'm fine," she said shortly. "He's right," she continued with a whisper. "Let's just go, okay?"
Noah watched her for a moment and soaked in her features. He knew she was thinking miles a minute. He remembered one thing that slowed her down when she was little. He didn't know if she would respond to it in the same way but it was worth a try. It had been his first memory of his sister and it never failed no matter how much they fighted. Even though rarely they admitted to needing it.
Noah narrowed his eyes and looked through the crib bars. Santana was sleeping with her butt up in the air. She looked dumb. She was so loud when she was awake. She was certainly fun to play with when she was awake...but she slept a lot. She would get tired really fast... and hmmm... Should he wake her up?
"Noah, son, what are you doing in here."
Noah turned with a frown and look at his father. He wasn't sure what to say.
"Come here, bud," he said as he rested his hand on his shoulder. "Let's let San sleep."
"No, I think she's slept enough," he said casually.
"She's not even two yet, pal, you wore her out," Leroy laughed.
Santana fussed in the crib and stirred.
"Shhhh, Dad," Noah said as he reached his hand into the crib. "Sleep, San." Noah's voice was loud and Santana looked at him with a glare. "She's mad."
"She's not mad, Noah, she's just... tired... like when we wake you up."
Noah nodded in awe finally understanding. Santana continued to pout.
"Let's just let her sleep, Noah," Leroy said trying to lead him out of the room.
"Sleep, San," Noah said as he put his hand in the crib. Santana grabbed his fingers with hers and kept him from moving. She didn't sleep with a toy or a binkie or anything like that. Santana was...he couldn't remember the word that his mother used but it was long and sounded like a word they used on the day with fire works in the summer. ...inter... imper...independer...something.
Santana was snoring again. "Just pull your hand out, son," Leroy said quietly.
"No," Noah said loudly as he looked up quietly at his father. He lowered his voice into a loud whisper. "I want to stay here with her."
Now over fourteen years later, they didn't touch as much. They didn't need it. Santana found that in Rachel, but Noah was her brother before Rachel. In his head, he knew their connection was greater that words or touch. They just understood each other.
Noah watched as Santana buttoned her jacket and continue to stare off ahead of her as her head pounded with anxious doubts. He reached out and took her hand before she could take a step. She looked with him with a tiny frown and then looked down at their joined hands. He gave her hand a little squeeze, and then a wink and a smile. She nodded and squeezed back.
...
Shelby took a breath for the third time.
"Shelby, please sit down," Helen said.
"I can't sit down. I need to ... I just can't, Mom," she said closing her eyes or the millionth time as she tried to get a picture of her family when they were happy and healthy. She squeezed her eyes shut. She needed some kind of solace. She needed something. She needed to feel whole again. She felt like her entire foundation had been ripped out from underneath her. It was a feeling that was all too familiar.
She put her head in her hands. She didn't know where her children were. They were missing. She didn't know where they were. Her husband was dead and her children were gone. She was-
"Shelby!"
She looked up and shook her head. So much of New York was now coming back in wave. She remembered the smells and the aches. She couldn't do this. She hated this. She didn't feel fully here. She felt stuck in cement in one place straddling the location between the two.
She looked up at her mother. "Yes?"
Tom Pierce look at her with a heavy, serious look. "It's a waiting game, Shelby. They're really sick. We had to start both of them on IVs. Quinn is awake, barely. I'm concerned because her fever is dangerously high. I think that the stress of the trial fought off the bug for a bit, but as soon as she finished testifying, that adrenaline the stress was causing."
"What does that mean?" Shelby said. "Dangerously high?"
"It means that we may have to try different alternatives to cooling her down since her body without a spleen might not be able to fight for itself," he said. "She's awake and talking. We need to keep her engaged. Sometimes with fevers this high there can be some hallucinations and other risks. We need to be with her through this. She's very sick and so is Rachel. As you know, she threw up on the way here. We put her on oxygen through a tube that goes through her nose. Her breathing is very erratic right now. We're going to do a breathing treatment every three hours-"
"Like her nebulizer?" Helen asked. Tom nodded. "She won't like that at all."
He gave a sympathetic nod. "That's my other concern. Rachel is not responding well."
"What do you mean?" Shelby asked.
"Quinn is able to give verbal responses when she's awake. Rachel is struggling. Psych may need to get involved. but until then we need to focus on getting her fever down and her breathing regular."
She stared at Tom. She didn't know what to say. She swallowed visibly, unsure if she was ready for an answer to her question. "What does that all mean?"
"They're stable, Shelby," he assured her. "But right now things can get worse or better at any moment. You have to prepare yourself for the long haul with these two. They are underweight and sick. I understand Noah and Santana had this. Brittany had it and I think got it from them, but my point is their bodies are healthy and are able to fight infections. Quinn and Rachel's aren't."
She squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath. "I need to know the worst case scenario, Tom.-"
"Shelby, we're not there yet and -"
"I'm there," she hissed. She put her hand on her chest. "I am THERE.-"
He moved closer to them." But medically, we're not there yet. I will be with you every step of the way. We need to keep the communication open. We're going to have nurses and interns in and out of there. My residents are great, just give us a chance to do our job. The girls will hate us, but we need to keep them away. If their fevers go up by a hundredth of a degree we'll know. I'm not going to continue with this worst scenario with you. it's not going to get us anywhere-"
"But I need them to make it through. I can't take anymore devastating surprises.-"
"Shelby, you need to focus and get some rest yourself because when they are better they are going to be their cranky selves again wanting to get out of this hospital," he said again. "I will take care of their medical needs. Let's take it day by day. We need to focus on getting their fevers down-"
"What if they don't go down?"
"I'm not playing that game with you, Shelby," he said quietly. He looked at Helen and then back at Shelby. "We need to focus on what we know and move forward."
Shelby looked down the hallway. "Can I see them? Please."
"We're just moving them now into a room down the hallway. I'm also moving in a few cots. We're a little tight for space with the regulations, but I figured you would need some room in there." She looked at him gratefully as he went on. "But until their fevers go down, we need to make sure that the girls have the beds to themselves. I don't want Santana or Noah in there with them."
Shelby nodded. "I'll tell them."
He started down the hallway and she felt strangely as she walked down. Her legs didn't even feel a part of her body. She realized they were in the pediatric wing as the animals on the wall seemed to pop out from the wall paper. She couldn't deal with either girl in those gowns. It was too much.
"I'm having them bring over some other pajamas for the girls. Can we change them?"
They turned another corner. "No, not yet."
Shelby sighed and didn't have time to wallow in her defeat as the door opened and she saw the girls. Quinn gave her a weak smile when she came in. Her eyes were half closed as exhaustion leaked from her pores. There was a nurse at each of the beds examining them.
"There ... you ... are," Quinn smiled weakly.
Shelby walked over between the let out a sob as she reached her out. "I want to go home. Please, Mom, please," she whispered. Shelby watched the nurses talk quietly to the doctor around the girls.
Shelby sat down. "You and Rachel need to stay here. These bags right here are giving your fluids that you need." She looked over at Rachel was heaving slightly even though oxygen tube was working.
Quinn let out another sob. "I want to go home," she said. "Please..."
Shelby shook her head tearfully. "I'm sorry, Q-bear. Not yet." She took Rachel's hand in hers only to have Rachel look away from her and only hold on.
"Quinn, you have to calm down. I'll be here the whole time. We can't leave until you're better." Shelby looked up as a nurses moved around the girls. They were taking their vitals and and talking quiet. "What's going on?" she asked quietly to the medical staff.
"We're going to give Rachel some steroids," a young intern said. "To help with her breathing. Dr. Pierce has ordered medicine for both of them that should also let them relax and calm down and -"
"Excuse me. I'm sorry," someone said hurriedly as they came into the room. "There's a situation in the waiting room."
"Oh... okay," the intern said awkwardly.
"Not you," the person at the door said. She pointed at Shelby. "You."
...
Santana couldn't stop thinking about how distant Rachel looked when she last saw her. She couldn't stop thinking about how Quinn was sweating so much she looked like she was getting out of the pool. It had come on fast with Santana had it but... it hadn't been this bad. She looked toward the doors leading back to the emergency room again. She hated that she was asked to wait; she hated even more that the request was more of a demand. She had no choice in it. She glared around the waiting room. The scent of the room felt like it was suffocating her. She hated the smell of this hospital. She hated all of the colors in the pediatric wing. She paced back and forth on the carpet. She hated the carpet. She hated all of this. She caught a glance of flowers on the counter at the nurse's station. She couldn't help but think about an altar with flowers. She squeezed her eyes shut with a shaky breath as she tried to push the thoughts out. Meanwhile, her attempts were met with flashes of dark, amber wood and then a flash of granite stone. She shook her head. She wasn't going to think about that.
"Santana, please sit down," Joey said again with a sigh. "I can see you're a little unsteady. You need to take care of you and-"
"I don't care," she barked with a shake of her head. "I want to be in there and -"
"Santana, you know that you might be in the way. we need to make sure that the girls are treated first and then you can get in there," Bear said. "You have to calm down." Santana opened to mouth to protest, but Bear went on. "This is overwhelming and it sucks. It's scary. I'm scared too, but we need to trust these doctors. You're panicking, and having you in the bed next to them won't help anyone," he said with a kind smile. "You need to breathe... We want to treat you like an want to let you know what's going on, but you need to try to stay calm. It's okay to be scared but it's not good to be scary."
Santana looked at her uncle with confusion. She glanced over at her brother who was staring back at the two of them with a confused, but mostly angry glint in his eyes.
"Well..." Santana began quietly. "How will you react?" Her tone was honest and vulnerable. She didn't know. She really didn't. She looked over at her brother for help but as she did her gaze paused.
The news was on the television in the waiting room.
"We're at the county courthouse. There was a new break later this afternoon. The DA confirmed that more witnesses were coming forward. The country has its eyes on Lima. This high school teacher has always been a resident of Lima and has been teaching for over a decade. As more victims come forward, the country can't help but wonder how many there are." The camera cut away and Suzy Pepper was walking in. The camera flashed again as a nameless woman began talking about how Schuester was her neighbor, but Santana narrowed her eyes as she watched Will Schuester's high school picture flash across the screen.
She wasn't in the hospital anymore. All she heard were her sisters' cries in her head. Those nights where Rachel whimpered in her sleep were amplified in her brain. She felt her shirt being gripped by Rachel. As she squeezed her eyes shut more, she felt the walls around her closing in as she thought more about being in the closet. She wasn't hearing the voices around her in the hospital. She was hearing what it was like nine years ago. She could feel the mugginess of the closet; she felt the clumsiness of her skin after not having a bath. She felt a pressure in her chest and a pounded in her head. She couldn't breathe at all.
They flashed Will's picture again on the screen. She couldn't hear anything but the memories echoing in her own head and she couldn't see anything but his smug face even as a young high schooler.
The television was mounted on the wall and Santana had no other goal but to make it all stop. She needed to silence the chaos in her brain and she was oblivious to the noise of her present reality.
….
Shelby rounded the corner just as she heard a crash, a break, and sporadic screams. She quickened her pace and walked into the waiting room in time to see a television on the floor and her daughter on her knees. Santana was breathing heavily as she sobbed and stared at her bloody and debris covered hands.
"What happened?" she asked rushing toward Santana. She called for a nurse anxiously.
Noah was behind Bear who had been holding him back. "Let her be," Shelby heard Bear urge as she walked forward. Noah glared at his uncle and then looked back at his sister who was sitting back on her heels on the floor. He was losing her. He watched as his mother knelt in front of her and talked to her gently as as Santana reacted and clung to her crying.
"I need to see them. I need to see her," Santana pleaded. "Please. She needs me. You know she needs me. You have to let me see her. She needs to know that I'm here. I'm here and I'm not there. I can't be locked out of there! I can't. I can't be. I'm ….. I'm here! I'm here!"
Noah's ears ached as Santana practically screamed through her sobs at their mother. His mother just hugged her and for the first time in years Noah saw his mother look lost, just as lost as he always felt. He paused as he remembered something from New York and after nine years, he really understood the depth of their meaning.
He leaned back in his seat and threw the tennis ball at the man named Aiden and he threw it back. He didn't mind coming here because this man was the only grown up who let him throw a ball inside. His mom sometimes came too and she even played catch but for the most time it was just Noah and the man.
"So, did you think about what we talked about last week?" Aiden asked.
Noah shrugged. Even though he was nine years old, Aiden always had him talk about feelings and things. He didn't know why he still needed to talk about it.
"Come on, Noah, you remember," Aiden laughed as he through the ball. "You're a very smart guy."
Noah shook his head. "No, I'm not. My sisters are smart. Not me."
"Why do you say that?" Aiden asked as he caught the ball that Noah threw.
"Because Santana always comes up for the plans for our secret missions and Rachel can color inside the lines... and she doesn't even talk," he shrugged and caught the ball throwing it back.
"I think you've come up with some great plans," Aiden said with a smile.
Noah rolled his eyes. "You give me compliments like my Nana. Yesterday, she told me I did good job not putting my shirt on inside out..."
Aiden grinned. "I still put my shirt on inside out. He turned his shoulder as he tossed the ball up in the air. Did I get it right side out today?"
Noah nodded and caught the tennis ball as Aiden through it.
"I can think of something that you do really well at coming up with plans too," Aiden said. can you think of plans that you've come up with?"
Noah hated these questions because they weren't really questions. Aiden knew the answers and Noah didn't... but Aiden still asked the questions. It was frustrating.
"Uh..." Noah threw the ball harder at Aiden hoping to throw him off, but the man still caught it. "I don't know."
"How about when you went to go get help?" Aiden asked. "Or when Rachel was hungry or thirsty you got her things to eat?"
Noah narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean? That wasn't a plan... a secret agent plan … she was hungry and she didn't... she didn't talk anymore so …. Sanny and I helped her. Mostly Sanny."
"Well, she needed you to help," Aiden said.
Noah shrugged and tossed the ball at him. "I didn't do anything special. I just did what I was taught."
"What were you taught?" Aiden asked.
"How to feed my sisters..." Noah said with a frown as if he had just said that.
"How though?"
"Santana had a thing of formula for Rachel...but … Rachel was too old for that... but it's all we had for her. He only brought home like a box of crackers for us.. but once he... brought home chicken nuggets... Santana and I had to eat them cold... but they weren't frozen anymore. They were melted." Noah shrugged.
"Do you think other kids know how to make a bottle or have to eat chicken nuggets like that?" Aiden asked carefully.
Noah frowned and thought for a moment. "...No, their moms and dads do it." He frowned and looked at his hands. "I remember what we talked about last week," he said suddenly.
"Yeah?" Aiden asked as he tossed him the ball.
Noah nodded. "My mom. You asked me about my mom."
"Do you remember what I asked you?"
"We talked about how I was mad during the visit that we had..." he said quietly. He knew it had been wrong. He hadn't meant to throw the ball that hard when they were playing catch a few weeks ago with his mom .. but he had. "I told her I was sorry. She 's not mad."
Aiden nodded. She's not. I know. Did you remember the question I asked you?"
"You asked if I was mad," Noah said with a frown. "I think so..."
"Were you mad at your mom?"
Noah thumbed the tennis ball in his hand. He was, he realized. He was mad. "Yes."
"Are you still mad at her?" Aiden asked.
Noah threw the ball to Aiden and thought for another moment. "I can't," he concluded.
"Why not?" Aiden asked.
"She already said, she was sorry," he said simply. Didn't he see that?
"What did she say sorry for?"
"All of it... that she wasn't there with us... when my dad died," Noah said.
"Noah, can I ask you about the problem at school?"
"Where I pushed Kyle Montgomery?"
Aiden nodded. "You said sorry for that."
Noah nodded. "That was a long time ago."
"It was a couple weeks, yes. Remember when you told me you felt badly about hitting him?"
"I … I did... he was mean but... I still... I made him cry... and...it's not okay to hit..."
Do your remember what you said?"
Noah frowned as he tried to remember what he said and tried to figure out which part Aiden wanted to hear. He looked up realizing it. "You mean about the part where I didn't want to hit like Hiram? I don't... I don't hit people I like..."
"Do you think Hiram hit people he didn't like to begin with an then one day he slipped and hit someone he did?"
Noah frowned. "Maybe." He was confused. "I don't get what this has to do with my mom being sorry. You don't think she is?"
"I think that she might be sorry still even though you forgave her," Aiden said as he tossed the balls. "Grown ups feel sorry sometimes for a long time. They want to do better."
"You mean for the next time? I don't want it to happen again..." he trailed off.
"I mean that maybe your mom still feels badly about what happened like you feel badly about hitting Kyle still," Aiden said. He was making that face that Noah's uncle made when noah was confused. Aiden sighed and looked at Noah. "Sometimes, Noah, grown ups feel badly for a long time. Your mom is a person-"
"Well... yeah she's a person," noah said rolling his eyes. "She's my mom. She does everything. She …. she's the best mom."
"But before she was a mom she was just Shelby... it's okay to be mad at your mom, Noah. It doesn't mean you love her less."
Noah folded his arms. "I don't like you saying that. Don't talk about my mom like that. My mom is the best mom."
Aiden put his hands up. "I'm sorry."
"You should be. I don't want to play anymore."
Maybe Noah saw doubt in his mother's eyes before this moment. He knew he had, but it was never as clear as it was now. For the first time, he didn't just see his mother anymore, he saw Shelby Corcoran: A woman who had been through hell and back.
Noah took a step forward and watched as someone from the emergency room was talking to his mom and Santana began to breathe like Rachel when Rachel panicked. He stepped forward with a shout when he saw them pull out a needle and Shelby calm them
"What are you doing!?" he asked urgently. "Leave her alone."
"Noah, just let them do what they need to do," Bear said.
"No! She's not some wild animal that you need to shoot and shut up!" he yelled.
Noah frowned as Santana stopped crying as much and closed her eyes. It didn't matter what he said, they were still shooting her like a lion.
…
Shelby watched as Santana's breathing slowed and she was moved onto a stretcher and moved down the hallway.
"We're going to move her into the room with the others," Tom said gently as Shelby still had her hand over her own heart.
The mother gave an absent nod as she watched the stretcher get further and further away. "I'm... I'm going to go with her. I need to be with the girls … I -"
"Ms. Corcoran, I would like to speak with you first," a new voice said.
Shelby frowned at the woman in front of her. "... Who are you?"
"My name is Dr. Gretchen Miles, the hospital asked me to come-"
"I'm sorry, what?" Shelby asked as she looked between the other doctors. "What? Why?"
"Shelby, there have been other girls that have come forward," Bear said gently. "Trauma teams have been sent down from Cleveland and -"
Shelby put up her hands shaking her head. "I …. I don't have time for this."
"I believe that you should make time," the doctor stated. "I've tried calling for the past week and was recommended by your family's current therapist-"
"Elyse?"
"Shelby, remember, she mentioned this to you?" Joey asked with a frown.
Shelby shook her head and she pinched the bridge of her nose. She was sure that she was getting a migraine. She vaguely remembered having this conversation and signing release forms when she met with Elyse and her supervisor. Shelby sighed. "You're the woman that Angela recommended. I know I received your calls, I just... I haven't had a moment to call you. I thought it was agreed that we would talk after the trial. I really don't have time to talk to you now."
"I was at the courthouse this afternoon and all this week," Dr. Miles said. "We have a lot to discuss. I mentioned in my voicemails and I think Angela has mentioned that it would be important for me to meet with the girls this week. I have a great team that's willing and able to meet with you and your family-"
"My family?"
Dr. Miles sighed. "The released that you signed were extensive. I know. You have a lot on your plate, but I can assure you that I know what I'm doing. I am was able to read the records …. including the very extensive one from New York."
Shelby folded her arms. "Okay," she said defensively.
"What I'm saying is that we should talk," Dr. Miles said. "Santana's outburst is concerning and from what I've read they're fairly frequent."
"She's not violent," Tom interrupted.
"She appears to be," Dr. Miles stated.
"I'll talk to you but I'm not talking to you now," she snapped. She looked over the woman's shoulder and saw that her son was asking the nurses if he could go through the doors that Santana went through. "My son needs me and then my girls."
Dr. Miles nodded. "I'll touch base with you first thing tomorrow."
"I'm sure you will," Shelby said as she moved past the woman leaving her parents, sister and brother-in-law, and walking toward her son.
Noah swallowed with a deep set frown and started after her. What had just happened?
"Son, you can't go down there," a voice said behind him but he couldn't hear them as he continued down the hallway. It wasn't until he felt a hand on his arm that he stopped.
"What?" he asked with a frown.
"Noah, she's okay," Shelby said gently.
"Why did you do that?" he barked as he looked at everyone. The adult exchanged a look instead of answering verbally. "Answer me," he commanded with a frown of betrayal.
"We didn't want her to hurt herself," Joey stated.
"That's not true," he responded quickly with a shake of his head.
"It is, Noah," Bear said. "Calm down."
"Or what? You're going to shoot me too?" he snapped.
Shelby put her hands up. "Noah, stop," she said drawing closer to her son. "Listen to me. Did you hear what they were saying before we gave Santana the shot?"
"No..." he said as he tried to maintain his frown.
"Santana has been having some trouble breathing. You know, when she panicked? We needed to calm her down," Shelby tried to explain.
Noah shook his head again. "You can't just do that to her you have to let her just... just do it...just be mad."
"Noah, it's bigger than that," a woman he didn't recognize said.
"Why are you changing things now? Why?" Noah asked. He couldn't stop shaking his head. He couldn't wrap his head around how twisted things had become.
"Because it's not okay-"
"She doesn't know that! She doesn't know how to cope any other way," Noah said as he felt a lump in his throat and tears in his eyes. "It's not fair for you to change the rules of the game when this is always how she's played it. It's just... it's just not fair to her!"
The woman he didn't recognize stepped forward as his family and Dr. Pierce looked at him like deer in the headlights, all paralyzed by their own thoughts.
"You're right, Noah," she said.
"Who are you?" he asked. "I wasn't talking about you. This is about my sister and you don't know her at all."
"You're right," Gretchen said. "I don't know her, but I think once I get to know her better and she gets to know me I think we can help her."
"Help her with what?" he snapped looking at his family for an explanation.
"Help her from feeling like she's drowning in guilt and suffocating with her anger," Gretchen continued.
Noah's brow softened. "You can take that away from her?" he asked in a way that made Shelby feel like she was looking at her nine year old instead of her eighteen year old.
"Noah?" Shelby asked. "What do you mean take that away from her?"
"Because that's how she feels!" he yelled. "That's how she always feels! I know my sister! I know her better than she knows her! Mom, you know she's sad! You all know that she feels like that!"
"She has," Shelby said chewing her lip. "We've been working on it. She knows the difference between right and wrong. She's not ….." She looked at Gretchen and exchanged a look that Noah couldn't read. He watched her take a deep breath and straightened her shoulders. "She's stable," she said. It was as if they were having a different conversation that excluded the rest of the room.
"I'm not saying that she's not," Gretchen said. "I'm just saying that she has a great deal to work on that hasn't been addressed."
"Like what?" Noah asked. "What are you talking about? She's done therapy. She's done lots of therapy and... everything..." He looked at his mother. "Right, Mom? Mom?" He soaked in his mother's stance. She was covering her eyes with her hand. She was trembling. "Ma?"
She took a deep breath. "Noah, remember when you went away for little bit?" He nodded silently. "You were able to work on stuff there where you were able to figure out how to not be angry all the time."
Noah looked at his mother and then stared back at this woman. He looked at his family. "What?... Are you... Are you sending her away?"
"I hope not," she said tearfully. "I'm sorry, bud. I did wrong by you guys."
"No!" he said with a frown. "Did she tell you that?" he asked pointing at the woman. "Did you say that my mom did wrong? She didn't! She didn't!"
"There's a lot that we didn't … address in New York," Shelby said gently.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Your therapists did not think that we should have moved to Lima. You were just getting a crucial point in your therapy," Shelby said quietly. "I've met a lot with Elyse and … in hindsight it's as clear as day that so much has never been healed."
He shook his head and put his hands up in confusion and a deeply knitted brow. "I … I don't get it."
"Quinn is still beginning to deal with all that she's dealing with. It's so new and so fresh and it will remain fresh until it's addressed," Shelby said.
"You're saying that... that Santana has been walking around with like a fresh … trauma?" he asked.
"In some ways yes," Gretchen said. "Circumstances are always different and people can revisit that trauma more easily than expected, but in so many ways, Santana and Rachel have been holding it together for awhile...but they appeared to be more stable than was thought. In a lot of ways their wounds are as fresh as Quinn's...Does that make sense?"
Noah looked at the woman and then his mother and then the rest of the family. "Are you going to take them away from my mom?" he asked pointedly.
"Absolutely not," Gretchen said. "We just need to work with them in different ways than your mom has up to this point."
"Because she did something wrong? Because she didn't," Noah argued, defensively.
"She didn't," Gretchen said softly. "She did the best that she could."
Noah frowned and soaked in the family's looks and it was clearly said that while that was true, their posture was telling him that his mother's best wasn't good enough and he wasn't sure what that means.
Shelby put her head in her hands. Things had just settled down... Sort of. They had given Santana a sedative, much to Noah's distress. Santana's hands had been cleaned and wrapped. None of the wounds were big but there was broken glass everywhere from the broken television. It felt like a metaphor. Rachel used to tell her how important metaphors were. Now Shelby was lucky if her little girl looked at her.
She squeezed her eyes shut. How did they get to this moment? The three of them were in there now breathing in their beds. She missed when things were loud. She missed when they were fighting. She felt helpless and lost. She shook her head. No, she wasn't going to concede to that. They were going to make it through this.
Noah had finally gone home with his cousins reluctantly. She wasn't sure how they convinced him, but somehow they had. However, knowing her son he was going to come back ready to stay the week... or even the month. He was trying so hard to be strong for Shelby but she could tell he was crumbling as well. Santana's outburst was beyond scary and Shelby was now convinced that at least one of her daughters if not all 3 needed the intense counseling that was being set up by Elyse. She wondered in her head how she was going to explain it in the morning to Santana. She knew Santana needed it so much but she was still so scared that she was not going to get her Taz back. Rachel had yet to focus on anyone since she arrived at the hospital. Had she lost her baby too? Tears were actively flowing down her cheeks but she was determined that she would fight until the end for her children.
She wiped her tears as an intern entered the room. She gave him a weak smile as he approached Quinn and Rachel's beds. Quinn had been working to sweat out her fever. Nurses and interns had been in and out of the room so much tonight that Shelby barely noticed the male intern that was a side of Quinn's bed carrying a new set of sheets.
As Shelby slowly closed her eyes and leaned back in her chair, she was jarred awake by the scream that came from her blond daughter. Quinn was slapping and trying to kick the intern telling him to stop. She was so weak but she was using the last of her energy to slap at his arms. He was attempting to calm her and Shelby watched as he pressed the call button for the nurse to come in and help her. Then Shelby heard Quinn scream as weakly as possible, "Stop, Daddy! Stop! I am sorry I am sorry, please no!"
Shelby jumped from her chair and moved the intern away from Quinn. Quinn eyes were not focused but Shelby could still see fear ring through them.
She gently grabbed Quinn's face. "Q- Bear, Mommy is here. Look at me, Quinn. Look at Mommy," Shelby said urgently.
But Quinn didn't.
Shelby felt her stomach bottom out as Quinn's body began to shake.
"What the hell is happening?!" Shelby shouted, not noticing the tiny girl jump awake next to her.
"Her fever is too high," the nurse said calmly. "She will be fine."
"She doesn't look fine to me!" Shelby hissed as Quinn continued to shake and Shelby could barely hold her in so she didn't fall out.
"Her body is trying to fight this. We need to cool her down and she is ready for her next dose of medicine and that should help. Just hold her right now. I am going to let Dr. Pierce know and see if he wants to change any medicine. I know its scary Mrs. Corcoran but she will be ok," the nurse said honestly. "We just have to help with this fever."
Suddenly, Shelby felt a stillness in her arms. As quick as the convulsions started they ended and Quinn was opening her eyes. Exhausted and confused Quinn looked up at Shelby with half open eyes. "I want... I want to ….. go home..." she whispered. She brought her hand up weakly to Shelby's which was still on Quinn's shoulder. "Don't... don't... leave..."
Shelby felt her heart in her chest. How did she go from a bad dream to a seizure? Was that even a seizure? Shelby cursed herself of the absence of medical knowledge.
Nurses filtered into the room and told her that they needed to change Quinn's bed and cool her down. They looked at Shelby as if she knew what that meant. She didn't know what any of it meant. She noticed that the bed was wet.
"It's normal," a nurse whispered. "For patients to lose control of their bladders."
Shelby gently picked up Quinn from the bed and sat with her on her lap. The nurses quickly got to work in changing the sheets and giving a damp cool cloth to Shelby to hold on Quinn's head.
Quinn whispered, barely loud enough to hear, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Shelby gently rocked her as she watched in worried awe as the bed was changed. She continued to watch in a haze as the nurse checked Quinn's IV and made sure that it was still in place. Since it was all set, she watched her put more medicine in the IV and she felt her daughter start to relax. Quinn was sleeping soundly in no time. She took the moment to change Quinn out of her soiled clothing with the help of the nurse before she tucked her back in.
She felt numb as she lay Quinn back in her bed. She backed up and practically fell into her chair again. A nurse talked to her but Shelby could only see her lips moving. It was going to be a long night. All that happened in less in thirty minutes... barely twenty-five minutes. Once the nurses left she let out a sob of anguish. It was too much. She put her head down on her hands and began to cry. She felt the sobs wracked her body with exhaustion and her eyes felt as if they losing the last of the moisture in her body. She had no energy. She was losing it... and she had no idea how to stop it. In the midnight hours, she didn't see Rachel's eyes watching her in the darkness. Shelby didn't realize that while her own fears were being verified that Rachel's were also becoming a reality.
…..
Santana stirred in her bed and rolled over. This was not her bed. She looked over and Rachel was sitting silently in a wheelchair as they changed her linens. She pulled her own covers back. She spotted her mother bent over Quinn's bed sleeping soundly. The morning light was barely shining through the windows. Santana walked over to Rachel who was staring quietly at the floor. Santana reached out and picked her up.
"Santana, leave her be," Shelby said tiredly from Quinn's side of the bed.
"Morning," Joey said quietly entering the room and handing her sister a large cup of coffee. Sh kissed that tops of the girls' heads.
"Mom, she can't sit there by herself," Santana said looking between Rachel and her mother.
"She's sick and so are you," Shelby said as she made her way toward Rachel. "Morning, bug," she whispered kissing her softly just as the nurse finished the bed. Shelby felt Rachel's forehead. "Are you still feeling badly?" She turned to the nurse. "How high is her temp? She's still feeling warm."
The nurse looked at the vitals. "They took it about ten minutes ago. Rachel's is 103.5 and Quinn's still 105."
"That high?" Joey asked as she wrapped her arm around Santana's shoulders. "I thought we gave them some medicine to lower their temperatures..."
The nurse nodded and Shelby turned back to Rachel. "Bug, let's try to go to the bathroom and then we'll change you into some pajamas that I brought you and get you out of the gown."
"Not yet, Ms. Corcoran," the intern said. "We need to be able to get to their IVs."
"I have a short sleeve pants and shirts pjs for them. You can get to the IV," Shelby said tiredly.
"Ma'am, we need to have them in hospital gowns at least until their fevers break," she said regretfully.
"Fine," Shelby said trying to remain calm. She gave Santana weak smile. "You can stay in here with Quinn or you can come with us."
Santana gave a nod and followed her mother but not before glaring at her aunt to stay with Quinn. She followed closely behind and watched in a strange and confused trance as her mother and another nurse put a special plastic bowl in the toilet and they were coaxing Rachel onto the toilet. They they changed her into another gown, and she watched as her mother gave a grumble as the nurse handed Rachel a gown covered in perky oval shaped multi colored clowns. She signed. She looked at how small it was and was hopeful that they would have to bump up to a larger size and perhaps an adult size since the next size up was a large. An adult small would surely fit her, she told herself silently in a rambled voice. And that adult size wouldn't have freakin' clowns. However, as she watched her mother put the gown on Rachel. It wasn't too small. It was almost too big.
She looked down at her own gown. She was in a gown, she reminded herself. She stared down at her hands. She knew that she her hands bandaged but so much of it had been a blur , How did she get here? How did she get to the bathroom? where Rachel was peeing in a bowl with her name on it and Quinn has a bowl waiting for her. How did this happen?
She scrunched down on the balls of her feet in front of her. "Rach?" she asked. Maybe Rachel was looking at her. Maybe she was just scared from before.
Rachel didn't look up as their mom tied her gown. She let out a shaky breath and was about to stand up but Rachel reached out and took her hand. "Where's George?" Rachel's voice cracked from slight disuse.
Santana jumped up and ignored the rush of blood to her head. she had a task. She had a task and she was going to get those things done.
"I'll get him," she said hurriedly as she walked back into the room and looked through the newly made bed. Nothing. No George. "We... We gave it to her... I remember... I woke up...and I told you last night... remember?"
Joey nodded. "I do. It's here somewhere. She had him this morning."
They searched above the bed and below. Nothing. Nothing and nothing.
Shelby walked out of the bathroom with Rachel leaning against her side.
"He isn't here," Santana said frantically. "He isn't here!"
Shelby lifted Rachel to her bed and Joey stepped in and tucked her in as Shelby walked over to Santana.
"San?" she asked softly as the girl began to frantically dig through the duffle she brought. "Where is he? She had him!"
Santana rushed down the hall oblivious to the exposure of her own gown and the unsteadiness of her step. "He changed her bed!" she scolded as she pointed to the nurses' station. "Where's George?"
"George?" the nurse asked.
"It's my little girl's stuffed monkey," Shelby said gently. "It means more than I can explain. Please... tell me it's in the linens."
"They were already sent down to the laundry room," she said regretfully.
Santana felt her head become more fuzzy. She felt a pressure on her temples and a clench of her jaw as her entire body tightened with frustration. She felt her heartbeat quicken and a chaos in her head become louder. She needed to break something. She wasn't sure why she felt such a release from it, but it relieved her like nothing else and -
Her thoughts were cut off when she felt her mother's arms wrap around her tightly in a protective hug. Her mother cradled her head and rested her chin on her shoulder near her ear. "San?" she whispered. "You have to breathe, baby. We will fix this okay? I promise you that we'll help you from feeling this way. I'm so sorry."
Santana fought against the hold. this wasn't what she wanted. She felt her breath quicken in her chest. She needed to release from this. This wasn't going to work, she told herself.
"Let go," she said weakly. "She needs him, Mom. It's her... it's her binkie. It was her binkie and it helped her. She needs George and without George she'll never talk again! She won't come back. I need to find him! I need to get if for her. I have to! It's my responsibility! I need to get her binkie!"
"Santana," Shelby said hugging her tightly. She realized that Santana was not longer talking about George. She wasn't even really talking about her binkie. Santana was tapping into that responsibility that she used to bare, the responsibility that she never relinquished. "She's going to be okay. We will find her something new.-"
"She doesn't need something new! She needs George!" Santana said.
"What I mean, San, is that Rachel doesn't need George anymore, we just need to teach her that," Shelby said. "I need to teach her that. You are her sister, San. You are safe. You are loved and I am here." She rubbed her back as she felt Santana's body become less tense. "I am here, okay? We're going to be okay, but we need to change, San."
Santana squeezed her eyes shut and pushed against her mother, but her mother's arms remained strong. She gave in and leaned into them. "I need them to be okay."
"Me too," Shelby whispered as she rubbed Santana's back. "I need you all to be okay."
Santana leaned heavily on her mother. "Are we going to tell her that we lost him?"
Shelby held her daughter close. "You did nothing, Santana. I did nothing. Sometimes things happen out of our control.. they just happen."
Santana pulled back and looked tearfuly at her mother. "Things happen to us a lot," she whispered.
Shelby kissed her softly. "I know."
…..
Santana looked over her shoulder at the door. She didn't want to be in there. She didn't want to discuss and she didn't want to be anywhere not with her family.
"Santana?"
She didn't understand why her mother asked her to do this.
"Santana?"
She hated that she couldn't be out there. She was sure that when Rachel's fever would get lower she would respond. She just needed that one more degree. She needed to get better.
"Santana?"
She didn't understand what this lady wanted from her. She certainly didn't understand was Elyse was doing in there. She looked at the door again. She wanted things just to go back to normal.
"Santana?"
Enough, she thought as she turned roughly in her seat.
"What?!" she barked.
"Santana, this is Gretchen," Elyse said.
"Okay..." she said with a frown.
"She's going to meet with you and your sisters and see if she can meet with you more regularly," Elyse explained.
"Well, I meet with you already, isn't that enough?" Santana asked with a bite.
Elyse changed a look with Gretchen, causing Santana to frown and meet Gretchen expectant and unphased eyes. "I think in so many ways, Santana, that you've outgrown Elyse."
"I've... I've only been placed with her for a few months... My little sister has been meeting with her the longest... maybe you have us confused..." Santana said unsure, but knowing deep in her heart that they weren't confused.
"Santana, I don't think that I can help you in the way that you need," Elyse began.
"Help?" Santana frowned. "What do you mean?"
"I've become too attached to you all, Santana, and I think that I'm not giving you guys the tools that you need," Elyse tried again.
Santana shook her head. "I don't understand... You think I'm too fucked up for you?" she bit. "It's because I break shit all of the time? I've always broken shit!"
"Santana, that's not what I mean," Elyse said.
"Then what do you mean? I told you! I told you that you better be on your A game remember?" Santana asked raising her voice. "When things were bad with my sisters, I told you to get it together for you and now you're telling me I'm too much for you... We're too much?!"
Gretchen looked at Santana calmly. "It's not as easy as that, Santana."
"Then freaking explain it to me," she snapped.
"Well, first of all, your anger, Santana, is something that you should have coping with for awhile," Gretchen said.
"People are edgy sometimes. So what? I'm just edgy," Santana said folding her arms.
"Is that what you're going to tell your boss in a few years when some customer makes you angry?" Gretchen countered.
Santana narrowed her eyes. "I wouldn't do that."
"What if they really got in your face about something?" Gretchen asked.
"They wouldn't," she said with gritted teeth.
"What if someone knew about your family and brought that up?" Gretchen pushed again but did so gently in a conversational way. Santana deflated slightly realizing the woman's point. "Santana, do you have any idea how much property damage your mother has paid for?"
Santana frowned deeper. "You mean... today?" she asked.
Gretchen gave a casual shrug. "I mean whenever. This year? Last year."
"If you came in here to guilt me about how many lamps I've broken, you're on crack," she bit. "Help my sisters. I'm fine. I won't break anything anymore. Can I go?"
Gretchen leaned forward slightly, shifting slightly in her chair. "Not yet, Santana," she said as she looked up Elyse. "Can I ask you something, Santana?"
"You're going to anyway. I don't know why you're asking me," she said tightening her arms.
"Have you talked about what you feel when you break things? have you explored that?" Gretchen asked carefully. She met Santana's eyes, which were silently challenging her.
"Yes," Santana said quietly. "It's … because I'm mad. I've talked about this with Elyse. I feel... I don't know... like... I'm... I'm drowning and I'm clenching every muscle in my body. I've told her this... and breaking things... it just... I don't know... it releases feelings and I'm fine. I've told her this."
"Santana, those are great steps, but that's the beginning," Gretchen began only to have Santana scoff. "What?"
"What?" Santana repeated. "You're telling me it's the beginning? Listen, lady, I've been doing this therapy crap for years and I talk in circles and this is what it is."
"Well, it doesn't have to be," Gretchen said kindly. "I want you to be able to cope with your feelings without having to rip televisions off of the wall." She examined Santana as her face morphed from defensive to slightly vulnerable. "Let me ask you something."
Santana huffed. "Fine."
"Do you want to have a family someday? Children?"
Santana narrowed her eyes. "Well... I … I don't think that's in the cards for me."
"Is it something you want?" Gretchen asked.
"Of course, it is," she whispered as she stared at the floor. "It just might not happen."
"Why not?" Gretchen asked.
"Because... it just … it won't," Santana said. "I'm … It just won't, okay?"
"There are so many ways to make a family, Santana," Gretchen smiled. "What I'm asking is in ten years do you still want your emotions to reach a point that you're breaking things in your home?"
"I never do that in front of Rachel," she snapped back from her deep thoughts. She met Elyse's neutral eyes and was reminded of a few months ago. "Okay... um... I've... I've hurt her though."
"I'm not saying you have," Gretchen said. "I'm just saying, Santana, that it doesn't always have to be like this."
Santana stared back at her with a frown. "Oh," was all she could respond with.
….
Shelby watched distantly from the window as Gretchen talked quietly to Rachel. She was showing her pictures. she was talking to her and trying to engage her and Rachel wasn't moving at all. She wouldn't look up at her. Shelby had been in there for a moment trying to coax Rachel out of her silence. Her fever had broken and was now slowly lowering to functioning. She could breathe better, but still she was weak and unresponsive. Tom said she was ready to eat solids on her own, but she was refusing to even look at the food they would prepare for. She frowned. At least that was consistent, she scoffed silently and then scolded herself for making fun of it and then she snapped at herself for talking to herself. She stepped forward to listen to Rachel and Gretchen.
"Rachel, I know that you can hear me," Gretchen said carefully. "Rachel, I brought some things for you."
Rachel didn't move.
"Rachel, you and I can work together like you and Elyse began. She said that at the beginning you and she played games and colored. We can do that together," Gretchen tried again.
Rachel didn't say anything. She continued to look away silently.
"Your family loves you very much, Rachel," Gretchen stated. "I'm not going away even if you don't talk to me, Rachel. I will come meet with you."
Rachel didn't look at her but she shifted slightly.
"Rachel, you're not going to be meeting with Elyse anymore. You're going to meet with myself or others on my team. We have a series of good people that are going to work with you. There are groups with kids your age that you're going to go to, but it would be more helpful if you were able to give me your input. I want to know what you're looking for and I can't know that unless you talk to me."
Nothing.
"Okay," Gretchen said as she reached into her bag and pulled out a Composition Notebook. "I want you to use this, Rachel. I know that you have a voice. You have a very strong voice. You're just not aware of how strong you really are. We can work together to find that."
Rachel didn't move.
"Rachel, I hope you use this notebook because or else I'll think you're empty and soulless inside," Gretchen said with a wink and smile. "Just write a page please."
With that, Gretchen turned and walked in the other direction out of the room. Shelby caught Rachel looking up after Gretchen as the woman left the room. And for the first time in what seemed like forever, Shelby didn't think she was making a wrong decision.
Gretchen gave her a sign and looked at Shelby softly. "Let's talk."
Shelby sat down carefully at the table.
"Thank you for meeting me alone," Gretchen began.
"I understand why you asked," Shelby said with a nod. "I was a clinician once...Thought it was another life in so many ways, but …. I get that there can be too many cooks in the kitchen."
Shelby shifted uncomfortably as she watched Gretchen settle in her seat and take out a notebook.
"They didn't want us to move to Lima," Shelby said quietly.
"Why?"
"Because, they just reached a point in their trauma therapy where they were just beginning to identify their trauma as trauma. And you know that those are pivotal points... but Santana and Noah had most recently been kicked out of their schools. I needed to move closer to my family... but I know I was wrong for interrupting their treatment."
"Firstly, Shelby, maybe you were and maybe you weren't. I don't know the clinicians you worked with in New York. I don't know what your everyday looked like over there, but I know that you have a support system here and you probably didn't have there. Your kids are holding up incredibly well. I know Quinn is sick, so I wasn't able to talk to her and Rachel is unresponsive, but she's in there. I saw her peeking up at me as I left the room."
"You think that you can help them?" Shelby said.
"I think so," Gretchen affirmed. "Dealing with trauma requires a great deal of discussion. I can understand how Noah received treatment in the program that he went into. It shows. You and I both know that typically in these situations there can be a lot of players. There will be myself coordinating these services and meeting with them as their clinician, but then the girls would likely benefit from a therapeutic mentor."
"You don't think that they need a psychologist too?" Shelby asked as she braced herself.
"I think they could benefit for an evaluation, but I certainly don't think that they need medication and I will continue to advocate for it. I think that these kids have learned to function on their own and did so with some therapeutic work but not as aggressive as they might need. It's a balance and I think that silence around their trauma was not about shame, which we often see in our field, but silence was wrought on simply because those wounds hadn't properly healed. I think that in New York it took so long to identify all the trauma, two years, I read, right?" Shelby nodded. "For some kids it takes that long, but for others it doesn't... and I think that your kids weren't pushed as much."
"They had very involved clinicians back in New York," she said.
Gretchen gave her a weak smile, "And you know what the disadvantage of that is." She sighed. "We're not here to break apart and reexamine what did happen, we're here to move forward. Shelby, you've done an amazing job and you have really taken outstanding strides for them. These kids do well in school. They are great socially. They are not violent toward other children or a danger to the community."
Shelby gave an awkward laugh. "Well, that's all up for discussion."
Gretchen looked at her honestly and gave a nod before looking down at her papers. "You have started with family therapy?"
"We're actually on the waiting list over at Lima Heights Associates," Shelby sighed. "I don't want to add all these clinicians and have team meetings about them, excluding them. I want to get them the services that they need but I don't want it to be out of control. You know?"
"Well, the children aren't with the state anymore, even Quinn. She's adopted and in your custody. CPS doesn't need to be involved. I agree, we can have a team that can be best matched for the girls."
Shelby chewed her lip. "I don't want them in residential."
Gretchen looked at her with a sympathetic grin. "Shelby, you and I know that that's the last resort. Residential isn't considered until other things are exhausted and your children are highly too functioning for residential." She sighed carefully. "I think that it might be extremely helpful if not only you and Noah were involved in the family therapy, but I think that you and Noah may benefit from it."
"I'm already seeing someone."
"How long have you seen him?"
"Since I moved here and Noah is seeing someone too even though he's stable right now. You know that we have a capacity at the program to get someone to work with him specifically around school stuff."
"He's applied," Shelby said. "He actually did that by himself, but I think in terms of doing the other stuff, he might benefit from someone new."
Shelby gave a slight shake of her head. "Yeah... Maybe," she whispered.
…
Thank you for reading and sticking with this story. Please let me know what you think. Thank you! :)