Open Wounds

by 216BLT

AU: The past is the past. Puck, Santana, & Rachel Corcoran have moved on from theirs, but when their mother decides to take in a teen, old memories resurface. Also, new scars are made as they navigate through adolescence, ones that might not heal.

67. Chapter 67

Guest – My beta and I promise to try and get the next update out faster, please accept our apologies.

PashaVrais – All I can say is I'm sorry for the delay and I hope you like this chapter. Thanks for reviewing.

Ari28 – Sorry for the delay in updating – I hope you like this chapter – Thank you for reviewing. And Thank you for being #2000.

bizzylizzy14 – well thank you for reviewing and I am glad you have been following this story.

Anonymous5678 – Thank you so much for reviewing. I love hearing from my readers and I am so glad you like it. Quinn is my beta's favorite too. The sleeping alone issue is addressed some this chapter and you are right it won't be fixed overnight. Especially, since it has been such a help for all of the girls. Gretchen and her team plan to help them a lot. Santana does forget about herself all the time but that is identified and now will change. Shelby and Noah are amazing. Sorry for the delay in updating. Thanks again for the review.

Isabel – I am glad you like it. Impressed that you read it in a couple of days. Sorry for the delay in updating. Thank you for the review.

Little red – Thank you for the review.

KC1991- Thank you for your kind words. It takes a lot to get the chapter out because I try my hardest to have the story flow. I am so glad you like this. Thanks for the review.

Brittanyismyunicorn – Yup Finn was oblivious. Sometimes he just doesn't think before speaking. Santana does not handle the news well. But luckily Santana is in an environment that can help her through this. Thank you for reviewing.

zuperkt - Wow – I have to say my beta and I loved your review. You summed it up so eloquently. Thank you. Its reviewers and readers such as yourself that keeps us going. Some of the chapters are so much harder to write than others but knowing that there are people wanting and waiting keeps us going.

Arra – The Corcorans I assure will have good days. They are coming. As the girls learn to adjust better, they will have better times. Thanks for the review.

Lolathe17th – Poor Santana is right but she will be in group therapy – it may not continue with Finn though because there are so many other issues with him anyway. I am so sorry it took so long for me to update. This chapter has been challenging. Thanks for sticking by me and thanks for the review.

1moredreamer – Thank you so much for the review and I am so glad you enjoyed this chapter. As you can see Finn was just dopey and said what he thought Santana already knew so he was trying to start anything but learning what Schue was going to do to her sister – Santana couldn't take it but at least it was an honest reaction. Quinn has been holding a lot in even though she is growing but she has gone from having the worlds worst mothers to seriously one of the best so even though she is in a better place, she has to adjust. Rachel has learned her whole life how to please other people and I think Gretchen and her team recognize this and will work with her and all the girls to explore their own emotions about themselves and not just other people.

lemon-rind – Finn very oblivious and I think his character is somewhat true to canon because in the show Finn has always been a clueless character. You see Santana's reaction in this chapter. Thanks for the review.

Kimberlli – Yes there is no filter on Finn but he didn't know that Santana had no idea what was happening at the trial. Kurt is back and yes it does help Rachel but Rachel needs to help Rachel. Thank you for your continued support. Thanks for the review.

Fangirl44 – Thanks for the review – sorry for the delay.

JusCurious – Who's Sophie? That was a reference to a movie called Sophie's Choice with Meryl Streep. I don't want to ruin anything but Sophie, played by Meryl had to choose between saving one of her children over another.

holdmetonight - my sincere apologies. It is always my intention as well as my betas intention to get the next chapter out as soon as possible and lately it has failed miserably. Thank you for supporting me.

HannahWilliam33 – I am glad you like their growth. Thanks for the review.

NinjaGleek21 – Thank you for the cookies – Finn is clueless and it was not a good time to tell Santana this so its time to deal with it now that it is out. At least she was in the right environment to handle it. Thanks for your review.

gleefanficfan – I apologize only because these are very hard things to go through for people. But I do own it and I just apologize to warn people. Thank you so much for your review.

TommyH – I promise Puck and Rachel will always remain close. All of them will but there will be up and downs as they grow but this family is stronger than anyone I know. Thanks as always for the review.

IloveDiannaAgron – I am glad you do. If you ever have any questions, please feel free to DM me and I will try to help you anyway I can. Thanks for the review.

Guest - If or when Noah goes away it will be to college and to help all grow. But Noah will always be close to his family. Santana and Finn being in the same group will be addressed this chapter. Thank you so much for the review.

Guest – Thank you so much and thanks for the review.

Drunalove – No marrying of the story is allowed. Thank you for the review.

Stepheyy – I am glad you liked it. It is very heavy and as they get healing it may get lighter. Although there is some things that the girls have to let out to be able to deal with them properly. Thanks for the review.

mattblue – sorry about the lack of updates. Its not from not trying its just that some chapters are much harder to write than others. Thanks for the review.

Thank you all of your responses!

Santana felt her heart beating rapidly in her chest. She felt her body shaking and could practically feel her anger oozing from her pores. She couldn't breathe and she couldn't think. She wished that it was easy to calm down, but she never had that luxury. Her emotions were never easy. She either felt too much at once or she didn't feel at all. And when they bubbled to surface she had no idea how to return them to their normal simmer. She could only think of one thing that could calm her down, one person.

"When I saw the evidence….. The tub and…. the rope and saw…. I think I lost it at the saw…." Finn's words kept echoing in her head. She could barely concentrate on being angry. Tub? Santana hated that she watched so much crime television that she knew what that meant. She knew that the bodies were hard to find with tubs. Dogs couldn't smell the bodies…. They couldn't smell the bodies decaying.

"Santana," she heard her name being called.

She jolted her head up and the voices seemed to emerge through the fog of her thoughts.

"I need to see my sister," she said under her breath as she attempted to reign in the chaos in her head. Her voice was barely above a whisper when it left her lips. She could feel herself shaking as if she was cold but she knew that it wasn't the temperature. All she could think of was the physicality of it all. All she could think of was Rachel sawed into tiny pieces and being put in the ground. She felt herself dry heave at the thought.

"Santana," Lauren said, breaking through her mental barrier.

"I. need. Rachel," she said through clenched teeth. She could feel the anger surging again. She took a heavy breath and looked around. She was in the hallway. They must have ushered her there. She hadn't realized that she had been so removed from her reality.

"Santana, what happened? Talk to me. Finn is -" Lauren began.

"This isn't about him," she said anxiously. "I need to see my sister! I need to talk to her! I need to see her."

Her voice was practically screaming. She didn't care who was staring at her. She just wanted to see Rachel. She had to see her. She frowned and headed down the hallway. Her heart was beating so fast and she felt a dizziness in her head. She pulled at the front of her shirt because it felt sticky against her skin as she attempted to will herself to focus. She couldn't be that girl that pulled the television of the wall. They already knew that girl on paper. She couldn't grasp control any of what she was feeling though because she could only think about the fact that she was feeling dizzy with all of her feelings and anxious thoughts and that her heart felt like it was going to explode. If she closed her eyes for too long, she thought singularly about blood splatter. She thought about how much blood would splatter if an arm was cut off. She winced. Why was she thinking about that? Why was that coming to mind?

"Santana," Lauren said suddenly standing in front of her. The woman didn't know how to take a hint.

"Move," Santana said as she bumped her shoulder against the woman's as she posed past her.

"Santana, you need to calm down," Lauren said as stepped in front of her again.

"No," she hissed and pushing Lauren more purposefully. "Get out of my face."

Santana didn't care that Lauren lost her balance. She didn't care at all and found herself wishing that she had pushed her hard know that she Lauren fell. All she cared about was getting out of there. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. She couldn't do any of it. Lauren was standing close to her and smelt a hint of cigarette smoke on her. Santana was quickly enveloped with a suppressed memory. It hit her like a gust of wind that blew past her; it was too fast to hold on to but cold to ignore.

She remembered that the room Hiram brought her and Rachel to and how it always smelled like smoke and cigars. She remembered that the first time she slept in a place that didn't smell like it she couldn't figure out what was missing in the room. She blinked her eyes several times and ran her hands over her face, pausing when she felt tears streaking over her hands. She was crying… When did she start crying?

She felt someone near her and her arms flew out to push them away out of instinct. She felt her arms were grabbed she kicked with all her might causing the person holding her to release her. She felt another pair of arms wrap around her middle and despite fighting them, she felt a small comfort in the restriction and she felt some tension release from her body.

"Santana?"

She blinked and looked up at the voice. And it was Gretchen. A tiny part of her felt relieved. She would help her.

"What?" she said feeling her breath hitch in her throat. She chewed her lip. She wasn't going to ask her directly though.

"Why did you leave group?" Gretchen asked.

"I just…. I need to talk to my sister…" she said relaxing in the hold, barely noticing that there were people still holding her body.

"Do you feel ready to come and talk to me before we go see your family?"

"I really want to see her first," she said quietly. "I want to see Rachel."

"I understand that but you and I need to talk first about you. I don't want to do it here because I think you want to my two colleagues to let you go first so that you and I can have some privacy."

Santana frowned and looked around. "Oh…." She hadn't even really been aware of it. She just knew she felt more relaxed than she did moments before. She looked back up at Gretchen and saw her nod with a new understanding.

"Did you know that you were being held?"

Santana gave a shrug, unwilling to show that she was so out of touch. "My mom does this a lot… she holds me… And… it calms me…. It makes my mind quiet."

"Are you feeling okay to have them let go?"

Santana just nodded numbly. The people hold her let go and Santana could only stare at the pair of workers as they walked away. She remembered how hot she felt before when her anger was radiating from her and now all she felt was cold.

"Santana?" Gretchen said leaning down so she could meet her gaze.

"What?" she asked with a unsteadiness in her voice.

"Do you want to stay here a little while longer?"

"I want to see Rachel," she said looking down at the ground and folding her arms tightly around her middle.

"I know you do, Santana, but she's in a session-"

"I don't care," she spat, feeling her heart race and her body get warm again. "I want to see her! I just need to see if she's okay! She doesn't have to see me! I just need to see her!"

Santana felt a strange surge of emotions within her. It was that as she exploded like a firework and now she was just the raining pieces of fire falling from grace.

Gretchen nodded. "We're going to talk for a bit first and then -"

"NO!" Sanana said raising her voice. Firework tears or not she wasn't going to back down from this. "I want to see her first and then I'll talk."

"Santana, you and I know that she's safe. We are going to talk and then we can see her," Gretchen said matter of factly.

Santana just stared at her. She didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to argue her point more clearly. "I just need to see her," she whispered tearfully.

"You will, Santana," she said gently. "But we need to process. We need to debrief. You pushed Lauren twice. We need to talk about this."

"Why?' she asked, shakily. She shook her head, not waiting for an answer. "I don't want to talk about this. I don't need to. I'll tell her that I'm sorry but…. I don't need to… talk…. not now."

"Santana, remember what we talked about?"

"When?" she asked with an exasperated sigh.

"We need to work together so you're not just being held together by tape and glue."

Santana felt an unusual betrayal in her chest. The words still rang true. She had meant what she said, but she wasn't to be called out on it. She knew that the woman was right. She knew that she had to take that step.

"This work is hard, Santana. Working on you, I mean. Let's go talk," she said gently.

She let out a sob, forgetting for the second time that she was crying. "You don't get it," she said frustrated.

"Santana, that's what I'm trying to do," Gretchen said softly.

"Why won't you give this to me?" she said. She didn't have the energy to get angry anymore. She was only able to feel heartbroken. "I won't say anything. Please. Just let me go see her. You don't understand."

"Santana, no," Gretchen said. "But the sooner that you and I talk the sooner you can talk to Rachel.

"Can I see my mom?" Santana asked knowing that her sister was nearby. She rethought as soon as she said it. She wasn't sure if she wanted to see her, because she didn't know what she would say, but she had an innate need for her in her heart.

"Santana," Gretchen said. "Your mom and you can talk later. The three of us will certainly talk and you can talk even more to her later when you go home. She's there and your family is there. Right now we need to work together. I know that's scary."

"I'm not scared to talk to you!" she said trying to wipe her tears.

"I think you are," she said gently. "I will take you to Rachel and I will take you to your mother after we talk."

"Why not now?" she asked with frustration.

"Because it's not about them now, Santana. It's about you."

Santana clenched her fists at her side. "Don't you get it? You're supposed to help me! Rachel is what I need! She calms me down! I just need to see her and you're not letting me. I want to talk to my mom and you're not letting me. Do your job!" She shook her head not waiting for Gretchen to respond. "I need Rachel… We love and support each other… We're like…. We are pieces of each other."

Gretchen looked at her softy. "You can lean on each other and you can even rely on each other, but right now I feel as if she allows you to silence your feelings instead of allowing you to actually feel them."

Santana stared back at her. She didn't want to let the truth of her words absorb. She didn't want to accept them as truth. but they were.

"She …..We….no one understands it like we do," Santana said sinking away from Gretchen. She didn't want to talk. She didn't want to process she wanted to see her sister.

Gretchen nodded. "But she also needs you to be real with her….. and not just have her be that person that you hug, but then never rely on."

"I want to hit you now. Why can't I see them? Its not fair."

"'You're angry, Santana, and we need to focus on why and talk through this. This is part of the process."

"Fuck the process," she spat.

"Santana, we can talk here or we can talk in my office," Gretchen said. "Your choice."

Santana shook her head and looked around. She could see that there were staff still looking on. She suddenly felt exposed again. She bowed her head and folded her arms.

"How long will this take?"

"However long it needs to take," she replied.

Santana shook her head as she followed Gretchen idly down the hallway. She didn't want to. She couldn't do this. Her voice to echo her restrictions in her head. She just couldn't follow her and talk. She would be too distracted.

Gretchen leaned against the her desk and watched Santana pace carefully. Santana was one of the most impulsive girls she had worked with and she knew that she couldn't push her too much in one direction or another, but she also knew that the girl needed to calm down. She had so much unexpressed rage that her trauma history had demonstrated she could hurt others and herself.

"Santana, the first session is always hard," Gretchen began.

"I know that," Santana said with her arms around her chest as she began to pace in tighter circles. "You don't need to tell me that. Do you have any idea how many first sessions I've had?"

"You didn't let me finish," Gretchen said evenly. "The first session is always hard but it's not supposed to be that hard."

"What are you talking about?" she said shaking her head wildly.

"Santana, tell me what Finn said to you."

"I don't want to talk about that," Santana said. "I have to go."

Santana began to rethink all that had been said and all that she thought and paused. She couldn't let Rachel see her like this. She felt like the firework trails in the sky….. but then her brow knit as she thought about it more. Her body began to shake again as she processed it more in her head.

"She wasn't going to tell me," she said out loud. "No one ever tells me!"

"Why do you think that is?" Gretchen asked.

"They don't trust me," Santana said. "But don't they see that that's what makes me angrier!" She shook her head trying to regain control. "You're not listening. I. need. Rachel."

She wanted to scream and realized her hand hurt slightly. She looked down and had knocked over things on the table. All she could think about was wanting to see her sister. She just needed to get out. She had to go. She felt her hands grip something in front of her and lifted it. She could feel weight straining her muscles, but she didn't care. She needed that release.

She heard herself panting as if she were in a dome.

"Santana?"

She lifted her gaze and looked over at Gretchen her chest rising and falling with exertion. She couldn't detect any remorse beneath her anger for the destruction she caused. She was in a place where her anger didn't scare as much as it should. She just wanted to not feel it anymore. They weren't going to let her see Rachel. She had too much of a darkness in her heart that it would inevitably shatter the people around her and by extension herself. And now all she was left with as her anger exploding from her fractured heart.

"Santana," Gretchen said again. "You're angry and you have every right to be angry. Furious even, pushing other people. I can see you struggling and you get so deep in your head. I need you to stay in this moment with me."

"Why?" Santana asked. "If I can't see Rachel, then why bother. Why bother being here? Just lock me away….. just make it all go away."

Gretchen could see the girl unraveling in front of her.

"Do you really want that?"

"No!" she shouted. "I just want it all to go away! Can't you understand that?"

"I can try, Santana."

"Tell me," Santana spit. "Tell me what I do." Her mind was racing and an old fear surfaced. "What if I turn into a monster?…... I don't feel sorry about this." She pointed down to the mess.

"Well, I can certainly say that you are a very strong girl, Santana. And yes, your anger can be scary but you are able to calm. What we're doing right now - We're processing. We're talking through it."

"But I need some resolution. I told you!" She let out a heavy sigh. "I told you that I'm being held together with tape and glue and I can't…. I just…. I feel like it's all going to crumble…. At any second. I'm just waiting for the pieces to fall. It's like Jenga," she said.

"That's a great analogy, Santana," Gretchen said kindly. "What does your resolution look like?"

Santana shrugged. "It looks like ….. I don't feel like this. It doesn't feel this hard."

"What do you feel like?"

"That the world is about to crumble that no good things can happen with out fifty bad things happening."

"Santana, bad things don't always happen," Gretchen assured.

"You can't be serious," Santana said dryly.

"I think that there is so little we can control in this world," Gretchen began. "But what we can control is how we tackle the hard stuff."

"You think I want to live my life like things are about to fall apart? I don't," she said defeated.

"Santana, what worries me is that your anguish keeps you from being safe," Gretchen stated.

Santana just shook her head. She was fine. "I'm fine," she admitted out loud as she looked at the objects on the floor. "Rachel is here and Quinn needs me. I would never leave them."

There was a brief knock on the door and just as Santana looked up the door swung open.

"Shelby," Gretchen began, but was cut off.

"What happened? What's going on?" Shelby asked. "Staff members came to get me."

"There was an incident," Gretchen said, she looked at Santana for guidance.

Santana looked at the floor. She felt so incredibly full and seeing her mother made her want to explode and hide all at once. All she could do was keep breathing.

"What incident?" Shelby asked. "Santana?" Shelby moved toward Santana who stood on the other side of the room, but the girl only backed away with a shake of her head as her mother neared her.

Shelby nodded knowing that her daughter needed space. "San, what's going on?"

"I … I want to see Rachel," she managed.

Shelby nodded and took in the state of the room. "Santana, we need to clean this room up first."

Santana just shook her head. "No," she said after a few moment of her head continuing to shake. "No."

"Santana, can I tell your mom what I know?" Gretchen asked.

Santana gave a half nod.

"There is a young man in Santana's group that she knows.-"

"Was it Finn?" Shelby asked looking between them.

Gretchen took a breath and waited for Santana to give her another faint nod. Shelby's eyes seemed to bulge out of her head. Gretchen put her hand up to keep her from exploding. "There was a confrontation at the beginning of the group, but they calmed and then -"

Shelby pointed toward the room. "What did that boy say to my kid? What did he say? You don't understand. They can't be together He can't be near Quinn. I knew that this was a bad idea. I knew it."

Gretchen shook her head. "I didn't hear every word but-"

Shelby shook her head. "I'm so sorry, Santana. I should have pulled you earlier. He shouldn't have upset you-"

"It's not him," Santana said angrily between her heaving breaths. She looked up at her mother slowly. Her stupor was fading away because of the shock of it all. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Shelby looked back at her, stunned and unsure of what to say. "Santana, what are you talking about?"

Santana let out a scoff as she tried to wipe fresh tears away. "Why didn't you tell me that he was going to kill them?" Shelby's face fell. Santana just continued to look at her feeling a betrayal breaking her heart all over. She tried to steal her face. "That's what Finn said. He didn't say it out of anger or … he didn't mean it to hurt me. It was a fact…." Her words were so to the point that it took a minute for the emotions and the grenades in her chest to go off. She looked at her mother. "Why didn't you tell me?! I deserved to know!"

"Santana," Shelby began.

"No! NO!" She stomped her foot and pointed at her mother. "You don't get to do that! You don't get to protect me. There is nothing to protect me from anymore!"

"Santana," Gretchen tried to interfere.

"Go away!" Santana scolded.

"Santana, I didn't tell you because I didn't know how," Shelby said tearfully.

"Stop! You weren't going to tell me," she yelled. She waved her arms. "Look around you. All I am is Taz to you. You can't tell me anything because I'm going to crumble."

Santana was crying openly now. She didn't know how to stop it. "You promised me," she said with a waiver in her voice. "You promised me that you would tell me the important stuff….. and you haven't…. You never did…."

"Santana, that's not true," Shelby said as she walked toward her daughter.

"No!" she shouted backing away from her.

"Santana, I'm sorry. I didn't want you to find out like this," Shelby said. "I did want to tell you."

"Bull shit," Santana hollered. She shook her head. "You lied! You lie!"

"Santana-" Shelby began toward her.

"Don't," she said as she walked closer to the door. "Just don't!"

"Santana," Shelby said.

"I need to get out of here," she muttered as she pushed past her.

"Santana, stay," Shelby said.

Santana burst through the door and raced down the hallway. She wished she could find Rachel and have it all go away but she knew in her heart that Gretchen was right. She couldn't see Rachel now. She couldn't see anyone. Now when she felt like this. She let her legs carry her. She had always been a good runner and she just let her body take over.

….

Rachel kept looking between the instructor, Bridget, and Quinn. She stuck her tongue out of the side of her mouth slightly and looked at the woman and then looked over at Quinn again.

"You ready?" Bridget asked, trying to calm the girls. She could see that she was losing the attention of the older girl and that the younger girl looked as if she asked her to donate an organ.

Rachel looked again at Quinn, trying her best to attempt to look relaxed and comfortable. "We've cooked before," she said with a roll of her eyes. She shrunk back slightly. "Right, Quinn?"

Quinn just nodded with a weak smile. She looked out the window behind her before turning back to Rachel "Just listen. Okay?"

The blonde looked at the food in front of her. She was tired and she didn't really want to learn about nutrition. She simply wanted to be home or somewhere else. Her stomach churned as she looked at the clock. She had to be there for an endless amount of time. She couldn't help but wish that she was writing an essay alone somewhere else. She needed the task because she knew it would help distract herself from all that had happened. She didn't want to think about the fact that she was just in the hospital earlier that week. Nor did she want to think about the stress that caused her to get there. She blinked back to the discussions that she had with Gretchen and then she remembered the voicemail that her mother took earlier that morning and her mind was reoccupied again.

The woman teaching them cooking skills interrupted her thoughts once again.

"So I want the two of you to make a balanced sandwich. You must include one ingredient from each of these categories," Bridget said pointing to four sections. "You need a protein, vegetable, bread, and cheese."

Rachel raised her hand. "Do we have to eat the sandwich too?"

"Yes," Bridget smirked. "Your mom wants you to eat lunch with me as well as cook. Please make something that you will like to eat."

Quinn started to prepare to cook her chicken silently and Rachel just watched her, looking for guidance. The eleven year old stared back at the other proteins, then looked at the breads available and over at the cheese.

"Rach?" Quinn asked with a frown.

"Rachel, how can I help you?" Bridget asked her gently.

Rachel chewed her lip and stared at her place. "I don't know what to do."

"Well, what do you like?"

Rachel half shrugged and then shook her head. She knew one thing for sure: She didn't like this at all. She could see that her sister didn't want to be here and wasn't going to help her, but she was looking at her with concern. The blonde looked down at her.

"Rachel, make a -" Quinn began.

"No, it's okay, she can figure it out," Bridget said gently. "Keep cooking, Quinn."

Quinn eyed Rachel for a moment after glaring at Bridget for a moment. "Bug, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," she mumbled. "What would I make you?"

"You have to make something you like," Bridget said, trying to refocus the girls.

"I used to be vegan," she said quietly. "I don't know…."

"Rach, just make a grilled cheese. We had that a few nights ago. You liked it, remember?" Quinn said with a frown.

Rachel looked at Quinn and then looked back at the food. Quinn sighed and tried to ignore the own queasy feeling in her stomach. She was almost sure she wasn't sick as much as she was exhausted and uncomfortable. She leaned down and rubbed Rachel's back. "Rach, this isn't hard. Don't make this hard."

Rachel leaned into her. "But…. but they want something fancier than grilled cheese. And .. And I don't know how to make it. Since I set that fire one time in the kitchen I…. I can't make anything without Mom a-a-and-"

"Okay," Bridget said as she as she stood closer to Rachel. "Rachel, this isn't supposed to be hard, just like Quinn said. Let's go through these options together. Okay?"

Rachel looked up at Quinn.

"Quinn will be right here still," Bridget assured.

The blonde gave her sister a tight grin and tried to nod reassuringly. Rachel turned back to Bridget and looked up at her with hesitation.

"Rachel, let me help you," Bridge said. "What do you like to eat? Let's move over here and Quinn will start on hers."

Quinn watched as Rachel continued to look over her shoulder and Bridget led her back over to the other station. She turned her attention back down to her raw chicken. Her butter…. her fat…. she corrected herself was melted in the pan and now she has to cook the chicken. Season, she told herself. She had to season both sides. She looked behind her at the windows. She wanted to be out there and not here.

"Quinn, you doing okay?" Bridget's assistant asked.

Quinn noded and felt her stomach surge. "I don't feel well," she told the assistant. She just needed to get some air.

"How can I help you?" the assistant asked.

"Can you help me with the chicken?" Quinn asked. "I need to trim the fat off and season it. It feels gross… and it's not helping my stomach."

The assistant nodded. Quinn started to toast the bread but she felt another surge in her stomach. She turned the toaster oven on, failing to notice that it wasn't on a toast setting but the broiler setting, with the temperature at four hundred degrees. She set the timer longer than normal. She liked her toast well-done.

She sighed as she returned to her station. She ate breakfast at the house, but she just felt tired and sick. She blinked a few times and found herself staring at the raw meat. She took a deep breath. She couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't be here.

"I have to go," she muttered. She gave Rachel a quick look. "I'll… I'll be right back. I have to go to the bathroom, Rach," she said briskly before walking out of the room.

Quinn saw Rachel looking at her with wide and uncertain eyes, but she couldn't be there anymore. She just needed air. She let her legs carry her out of the room. She just needed air. Right back, Rach, I promise, she thought to herself.

Rachel watched the door close behind her sister and she stared down at the food she was beginning to prepare. She could feel her heart race more as she realized with every lasting second that she was alone with people she just met barely twenty minutes ago.

"Rachel," Bridget said gently. "I'm going to check on your sister okay?"

Rachel had every intention of nodding her head, but instead she just stared back at Bridget. She chewed the bottom of her lip and followed Bridget with her eyes as the woman walked out of the room. She bit her lip harder in attempt to release her anxiety but she was feeling more pain in her lip then she was relief in her chest.

"Rachel?"

She looked up and the assistant was smiling down at her. The woman has hair like Santana's but it was pulled back in a half pony tail. Rachel couldn't remember the last time her sister wore her hair like that. She held her lip between her fingers and stairs back at her food.

"What?" she asked, still pinching her lip with her finger tips. She brought her fingers away from her face and nervously let them fiddle. "I mean…. I mean. yes?"

"Can I help you?" the assistant asked.

Rachel shook her head. "I'm okay."

"It looks like you have started."

"I have," Rachel lied. She hadn't and she knew the assistant was lying too. "I started in my head… I… I don't need your help."

"Can I cook next to you then?" the assistant asked.

Rachel shook her head. "My sister is… she's coming back," she said with a waiver in her voice. She looked at the door again. "She's coming back."

Rachel's gaze looked back down at her sandwich… or what her sandwich would become. She felt her heart beating practically out of her chest.

"You're okay," Rachel whispered to herself. She looked up at the assistant. She needed a distraction. "... What…. What are you making?"

"One of my favorite sandwiches," the assistant grinned with pride. Rachel looked up at her expectantly. "It's a grilled cheese with guacamole and bacon."

"My sister loves bacon," Rachel said with a little less shake in her voice. "Did you tell her it was available? She would have made a bacon sandwich."

The young woman smiled. "I believe she knows, but she wanted to use chicken instead."

"Oh…" Rachel muttered as she bit her lip again. She looked with distress at her food "I … I need help."

She knew that she hadn't made any progress and she knew it would make more sense to say she just needed this woman to do it for her. She looked toward the door again and around the room. She had been so proud that she had made it through her first session. She bit her lip again. She had had Kurt then though and other kids whose names she couldn't remember. And now she was alone.

"Rachel?" the woman asked.

"W-what?" she whispered.

"How can I help you with your sandwich?"

"Can you make it?" Rachel asked.

The woman laughed and put her hand on Rachel's shoulder.

"No, sweetheart... but we can work together," she said not noticing Rachel's body tense.

Rachel visibly swallowed and stared at her food. She could only feel the ghost of the hand that the woman put on her shoulder. She bit her lip for the upteenth time. She could start to feel it getting swollen. She looked back at the door. She hasn't even noticed that the woman's hand had been removed or that the the woman was talking as she buttered Rachel's bread.

"I shouldn't be here," Rachel muttered.

"What's that?"

"I...I don't know you," Rachel said looking down at her food again.

"You're right," the woman said as she sat down on a stool to be more at Rachel's level. "Can you tell me more about yourself?"

Rachel stared back at her and just shook her head.

"Okay," the assistant said. "can I tell you about me?" Rachel didn't respond but she just looked back down at her hands. She was wearing a bracelet that she borrowed from Quinn and a ring that she took from Santana's jewelry box.

"You're okay," Rachel whispered to herself. She looked up and realized the woman was talking to Rachel, but in actuality she was talking to herself.

"... And just recently I received my bachelors in psychology. I'm starting my masters next spring."

Rachel bit her lip even harder and looked past the woman at the door. She realized that talking had stopped and she looked at the woman.

"W-w-what is your name?"

The woman looked at her in a way that made Rachel realize that she must have already told her. "Chloe Schnider," she smiled. "I know you're meeting a lot of people and it's hard to keep track of everyone's names"

"Why are you here if you just graduated?" Rachel watched Chloe look slightly offended. "I mean…. Gretchen and my other therapists have masters and even have a PhD. My mumma has her masters….. You…. Should you work with me?"

"Well, I only work part time and don't worry, Rachel, I'm qualified to be here. I help Bridget."

Rachel looked at the door again. "Bridget is Quin's person."

"Yes, but she's yours too," she told her.

Rachel frowned. "The last group I was in didn't have a person just for me."

"Well, this is a group that is structured different. We like to have everyone have a partner. We call that one to one," Chloe explained.

"Oh," she muttered but … I don't think I should be alone with you," she said again looking at the door.

Chloe watched her carefully. "You can be, Rachel. You're safe in here, but would you rather be out there as we wait for Quinn."

Rachel frowned and looked at her with a nod.

"Let's clean and make sure that…" Chloe trailed off and looked behind her. "What's that smell?"

Rachel looked up at her and watched as Chloe's eyes bulged out of her head.

"Crap!" the young woman said.

Rachel followed her gaze and saw smoke pouring out of the toaster oven that her sister was using. Chloe grabbed the fire extinguisher. "Rachel, stay there please."

She watched with silent fascination as Chloe neared the toaster oven and opened it before preparing the fire extinguisher. The flame shot out of the toaster and around the completely charred bread. Chloe looked back at Rachel and when the fire alarm went off.

…..

Quinn walked down the hallway immediately feeling better as she just needed to get out of the room. Once she was out she took the stairs up to the next floor. She was pretty sure she heard Bridget walk out behind her. She didn't want to talk. She didn't want someone to check on her. She wanted to escape and be anonymous. Just for a minute she didn't want to be Quinn Corcoran formally Quinn Fabray. She shook her head. Just for a minute, she told herself. She would be back before anyone would care. She would be back for Rachel. She just needed a moment for her; she just needed a moment to remember how to breathe again.

She climbed the stairs slowly due to exhaustion but faster because she was finally getting the air she needed. There was a walkway that overlooked to the floors below and down to the lobby. Quinn blew out a heavy sigh as she situated herself on empty walkway. She leaned over the railing of the bridge and rested her weight on forearms. She just couldn't be there anymore. It was too much.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" a voice echoed through the atrium.

Quinn frowned and leaned over the banister. She stood up straighter when she saw that the girl who was the source of the yelling. It was Santana. The blonde perked up and looked down at her sister and watched her run out of the building and her mother following close behind, yelling as she went.

She briskly walked toward the elevator. She heard Santana screaming something incoherent as she sobbed, causing Quinn to she push the down button more ferociously. She needed to be down there. When the elevator finally opened, her adrenaline led her out the glass doors of the front of the building. She couldn't tell that it was cold nor could she make out what her mother was yelling after Santana.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Santana screamed again. "You didn't tell me! You didn't tell me!"

"What's going on?" Quinn asked the random person next to her as she made her way toward the street but she was still yards away from her sister and mother.

Quinn watched as Santana stopped in the middle of the parking lot and turned to Shelby angrily. She had forgotten how terrifying Santana looked like when she was angry. It reminded Quinn of a rabid animal during a zombie apocalypse. If she wasn't so scary, Quinn would laugh. Santana turned to Shelby with her fists cliniched at her sides.

"Stop lying to me! I will never get better. I should have known what he was going to do. I wanted to go to the trial, Mom! I need to see him! I need to know that he won't get away with this," she hollered.

Shelby said something that Quinn didn't hear. She hated that her mother had such a calm voice while Santana was screaming clearly far away. Whatever Shelby said didn't go well with Santana because Quinn watched as Santana broke away from their mother and began to quicken her pace away from Shelby.

Quinn took a step forward.

"Don't, Quinn," Gretchen said putting her hand on Quinn's arm. "What are you doing out of class?"

Quinn frowned and pulled away from her. "Let go of me. I know my sister. She doesn't need you. She needs me."

Quinn took another step forward. "Quinn, stop," Gretchen said as Bridget came out of the building. "Bridget, take her inside."

"No," Quinn said again. "Santana!" she called out to her.

Gretchen walked toward Santana and Shelby as Bridget attempted to usher Quinn back inside.

"Let's go inside please," Gretchen urged. "Santana, you can take as much space as you need inside, but storming out of the building is not safe."

"Yes, Santana, please come on. It's cold outside," Shelby said. "I promise we will talk but I am not going to argue with you outside."

"No, no," Santana scolded as she jogged to get more away from her mother. "Get away from me."

"Santana, stop," Shelby scolded. "We will not argue in the parking lot! You are not looking. You're not paying attention Please pay attention."

"Fuck you! I'm not going to argue with you either!" Santana said as she picked up her pace and ran as fast as her legs could take her.

"God damn it," Shelby shouted loud enough for Quinn to hear and she watched her mother run after Santana across the parking lot next to the side of the building. "Santana! Stop!"

Quinn started to run after her sister, ignoring the yells after her. She needed to get to Santana before Santana did something stupid, regardless if it required an act of stupidity herself. She knew Santana better, she told herself. They were cut from the same anger cloth.

But a noise made her stop in her tracks.

The noise shrieked through the air.

Fire alarm.

Before she turned around, she caught a glance of Santana stopping in the middle of the road next to the building and following her gaze toward the building. For a brief moment, she and Santana met each other's eyes. Santana wiped her tears furiously and turned back toward the building.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Quinn's brain yelled at her. Rachel, she scolded herself. Did she leave something on? Did she leave her stove on? Fuck, she couldn't remember as she let her feet slowly turn her back into the building.

A honk and a yell broke Quinn's thoughts again.

She whipped her head around back toward Santana and saw a truck passing and once it passed she spotted her mother was holding Santana close to her chest in her arms. She watched after the truck, attempting to piece together what happened. The truck looked like it was on the side of the building in the loading dock. It had been going faster than it should have and the possibility of what could have happened only caused gory pictures in Quinn's head.

She locked eyes with Santana's flustered and broken ones. She gave a slight nod and turned back toward the building. She started toward the building again, but then people were flooding out of the building.

"Quinn? What are you doing out of your session?" Shelby called out to her as she walked toward the blonde, with Santana's hand in her grasp It was as if seeing Quinn for the first time.

Shelby shook her head. "Go sit in the car please." She turned and started toward the building, spotting Gretchen. "Gretchen! Rachel's still in there!"

Gretchen turned away from the staff she was speaking with and turned to Shelby and watched the girls come toward her.

"You all need to stay out here."

"No," Santana said moving in front of her mother toward the building. "We need to get Rachel."

Quinn frowned at the building as she instinctively took Santana's hand. "We're going in. We all know that she's freaking out."

"Absolutely not," Shelby said. "I will get her. The two of you will wait in the car."

Gretchen looked between them as they continued to argue.

"I need to get to Rachel. She doesn't do well with fire alarms," Shelby stated taking a step toward the building.

"No," Gretchen said simply as the fire engines pulled up behind them.

"Excuse me?" Shelby asked. The three of them staring at Gretchen with a deep frown.

"You are family. I am the lead clinician for your case who happens to also be the director of the program. You're not going in."

Shelby stared back at her in disbelief. She heard Santana taken in a breath to begin yelling. She reached out and put her hand on her daughter's face, attempting to cover her mouth. "Stop," she whispered.

Shelby turned to Gretchen. "Please, I -"

"Gretchen," Bridget said walking up to them. "Chloe just called and…" She trailed off when she saw Shelby.

"Just say it," Shelby hissed.

"Chloe stated that the fire has been put out for the most part. It was in a toaster oven. The smoke alarm won't shut off until the fire trucks arrive. Rachel won't get with Chloe to come outside. She's just sitting there rocking back and forth with her hands over her ears."

Shelby shot Gretchen a look of I-told-you-so and started toward the building. She shook her head and started toward the building; this was her kid. This choice was not up for discussion. . Gretchen put her hand on her shoulder.

"No," Gretchen said. "Shelby, stop. She's with my staff. I will go in and bring her out. Quinn and Santana, I need you to stay here."

"No," both of them protested.

"This is bull shit," Santana spat. "I'm not going to do this! I'm not going to argue with you! She is scared and she needs us."

"She's my daughter," Shelby snapped. " I don't care what you say, Gretchen, but I'm going in there. I need to see her. She needs me." She looked at the woman with a deep set frown. "So get out of my way."

"I'm sorry, Ma'am but you cannot go in," the fire chief said as he turned to Shelby and Gretchen. "We need to clear the building."

"My child is in there," Shelby began.

"Yeah, my sister is in there," Santana said.

"It looks like there are still a few people coming out," the policeman said.

Quinn shook her head at the bickering group and started toward the building. She didn't do small talk. She just needed to get Rachel and come out.

"Darlin', you gotta stay out here," a firefighter stated.

"Quinn, come back here," Shelby scolded.

"This is crap," Santana said. "Go get my sister!"

"Enough," Gretchen said. "I'm sorry. I'm not arguing about this. The more that we argue the more time we waste. Your choice but I am not going to change my mind. You're not authorized to go in and you and I both know that I barely am. And most of all you know that I'm right."

Shelby locked eyes with Gretchen. Searching for some sort of answers with a silent showdown.

"She needs her neb when she gets out. She won't go with you you have to tell her that I said it was okay," Shelby said evenly.

"Mom, you can't be serious!" Santana shouted.

"We don't have a choice," Shelby said as she continued to hold Gretchen's gaze. "We will be waiting right here. If you're not out with in ten minutes, I'm coming inside."

…..

Rachel kept her eyes clamped shut as she tried calm the burning in her chest. She didn't want to do this. She didn't want to be here. Part of her didn't even understand what was it that scared her about the noise. She frowned even deeper. She hated that she was so scared. She tucked her chin under her her arms that she had wrapped around her knees.

She cracked her eyes open and looked at Chloe on the phone in front of her.

She felt her eyes fill with tears.

"I …. I can't stand the noise," she said shakily to Chloe who stared back at her in surprise. "Please make it stop."

"Rachel, we can't, but we can walk out, okay?" Chloe said gently.

Rachel shook her head. She didn't want to do that. "I want my mom," she quivered.

"Rachel, we are going to go straight to her," Chloe told her. She stood up and held out her hand. "Come on."

She shook her head. "Nonononono," she said with her breath becoming more hitched.

She hated this. She hated being this person that was scared all of the time. She wished so desperately tht being brave … or even better stoic. She couldn't suffocate her feelings. She felt them too much and too often.

"Rachel, it would be quicker and safer if we go outside," Chloe said.

Rachel shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut and tried to block out the noise.

She sighed and looked at Rachel. "We're going to have to do this."

Rachel let out a sob. "No!"

"Rachel?"

She looked up and a firefighter was standing next to her.

"Rachel, let's go outside," he said. "Your mom is out there waiting for you."

She shook her head and closed her eyes as she leaned away from her.

"Rachel," a new voice said.

Rachel opened her eyes and looked at Gretchen. Her body was concentrating on the noise but her brain perked up to the woman's words.

"Rachel, we need to go outside," Gretchen said.

"I'm scared," Rachel muttered.

"I know," Gretchen said. "We're going to get away from the noise and go out to your mom and sisters."

Rachel shook her head. "Can't she come here?"

"No, she can't," Gretchen said.

"You've been brave, Rachel, but you need to leave now with us," she said. Gretchen looked at her. "That noise, Rachel, isn't scary. It's there to keep us safe. You're safe now. The fire department can turn it off, but they need you to be out of the building."

Rachel searched Gretchen's eyes.

The woman smiled at her again. "It's just a big machine that helps keep us safe."

Rachel looked at Gretchen with a frown and then looked behind her the firefighter who spoke to her before.

"Now, you can walk yourself or my friend, Chief Blake, can bring you to your mom and sisters."

Rachel licked her lips and stared back at her.

"Rachel, changing and growing and being brave isn't something anyone can do for you. You need to do it for you," she said gently.

"Ready?"

Rachel looked over her shoulder.

"Come on, kiddo," the chef stated as he lifted her up bridal style.

Rachel felt her breath hitch. "I'm right here,"Gretchen said as she took her hand. "And your mom is right outside."

Rachel frowned and squeezed Gretchen's hand. All she could do was hold on.

… .

Shelby watched as Gretchen spoke to the firefighters and walked into the building despite their protest. The woman assured them the fire was put out but that she needed to get to a patient.

Shelby turned and saw Quinn and Santana huddled near the sidewalk. She spotted a paramedic and quickly asked, but more demanded a blanket. She draped it over the girls' shoulders. She looked at Santana recalling the moments that had just flashed before her. Her daughter was always tempting fate and today she blindly stopped in the path of a truck. Shelby's heart was still making its way out of her throat. Perhaps a more sane part of her knew that Santana was fine now and wouldn't be hurt. The truck wasn't going fast, but it was going fast enough to take Shelby's breath away. And what killed her the most is Santana barely noticed. She didn't even blink.

Shelby reached out and cupped Santana's face and kissed her. "Don't do that ever again," she said. Santana pulled away weakly and stared intently at the building.

Santana pulled away from her. "We need to have them get the neb ready."

Shelby nodded at her daughter and waved one of the EMTs over. "Are you sure you're okay?" she asked Santana.

"Mom, I'm fine," she said dryly. "Just leave me alone."

Shelby stared at Santana for a moment at a loss of what to say. She realized that now wasn't the time to push.

"Quinn, are you alright? What are you doing out of class?" Shelby asked.

Quinn felt caught in the spotlight. She hadn't had time to come up with an adequate lie. She sucked in her cheek and bit it with her teeth as she made a poor attempt to construct something believable on the spot. "Um…I …. I just needed air?"

Santana looked at her with an arched brow. "Was that a question?" she smirked.

Their thoughts were interrupted when a firefighter walked out with the fire chef holding a crying and hiccuping Rachel in his arms.

"Hey," Shelby said with a sigh of relief.

Santana sprinted ahead of her mother and took Rachel from the man. Rachel immediately clamped her hands around Santana's neck. Santana held her tight and felt the anxiety of the everything before rising to the surface. She rubbed her back as she blinked back her own tears.

"Shh," she whispered. "You're fine."

"Let's have the EMTs check you, Rachel," Shelby said, breaking Santana from her thoughts.

Santana opened one of her eyes and saw that her mother was rubbing Rachel's back and Quinn was standing close to them. Santana saw that she was still chewing the inside of her lip. The brunette was distracted again when she realized her mother was taking Rachel from her arms.

"No," she shouted out.

"Santana, we can all go with her, but you need to let your mother take her," the woman said without argument.

Santana looked at her but surrendered because she feel the heaving in Rachel's breath as it was against her neck. "You have to take the neb, Rach," she whispered kissing her on the forehead.

She watched out of the corner of her eye as Quinn tried to ease away from them and toward the car. "Where are you going?" Santana asked but then waved her hand not expecting an answer as she grabbed her hand and pulled her toward her. Quinn continued to walk away, pulling Santana with her.

"Ugh, Quinn!" Santana groaned yanking her back.

"Quinn, we're going inside. Now."

The blonde frowned as she allowed her sister to drag her in from the cold.

….

Shelby looked over at the door again.

"I really should take them home," Shelby said.

"You will, but Rachel needs to use the neb first."

Shelby stood up with a shake of her head. "She should get it at home."

"Shelby, stop," Gretchen said. "My staff is out there with them. They're fine."

Shelby sighed. "I feel like I should be with them."

"And you will be as soon as you leave," Gretchen said. "Shelby, you need to focus. Tell me what you thought about today."

"Are you serious?" she asked with a frown. "This day went terribly." She put her head in her hands. "We are a mess. My children can't get through a day. Oh, god, Noah! I didn't check on Noah and -"

"And he's fine," Gretchen finished. "Shelby, I honestly believe that while today didn't go as planned, it couldn't have gone better."

"Are you mocking me?" Shelby asked in a dry tone.

"Not at all," Gretchen stated. "We were able to see how you all function when you reach a point of stress and most of all we were able to process or begin to process with all of you. Yes, we have a lot of work to do, but this is a fantastic foundation. You must see that."

Shelby shook her head. "It's not that easy though. Today was so stressful for them."

"And for you," Gretchen pointed out. "Stress is unavoidable and I think you've been trying to avoid it."

"Wouldn't you?" Shelby asked honestly.

"Shelby, you have done so well with the providers that you've worked with before but all of the kids' reactions and lash outs are linked to their trauma."

"I know that," Shelby snapped.

"You and I both know that this trauma runs deep, Shelby," Gretchen said. "Both the fresh trauma and the old wounds. We need to work on this. We need to be more direct and most of all take responsibility and encourage the kids to take responsibility."

Shelby stared at the floor. She felt and anxiety building in her temples and a hollowness in her heart.

"I don't want to fail them again," she said quietly.

"But you need to, Shelby," Gretchen said. She tilted her head at Shelby's frown. "In a way, you need to make mistakes and you need to let the kids make them too. You need to let them try to work things out on their own." She paused as she looked at the mother sympathetically. "I can't possibility begin to understand what you're going through, but I can imagine that it has been a battle. For instance, Rachel's reaction to the fire alarm is something she wants to work on and it is something that you need to let her do. She wants you and she needs you but she has come to accept you to catch her all the time. She's a preteen and -"

"She's not a preteen," Shelby said with a scoff.

"Basically, she'll be twelve soon -"

"Next year," Shelby said with a harsh sake of her head.

"This," Gretchen said with a pause. "What you're doing right now, protecting them, is not helping." The woman chewed her lip as she carefully thought of her words. "And I think that has held her back. You coddle her, Shelby. You do it to all of them, but mostly to Rachel. And Santana does it too, but in a lot of ways she follows your lead."

Shelby shook her head. "You…. you don't understand what she's been through, what they've all been through."

"I know that I don't," Gretchen said. "But you need to let them do the work they need to do….. you told me that you withdrew them abruptly from their trauma work in New York when you moved to Lima."

Shelby avoided her gaze. "That's not the same. We needed to move closer to my family. I needed help.

"You and I both know that the way trauma is treated and understood today is completely different from ten years ago. We have to give them a chance to do that hard work. We need to figure out new coping skills so that they can stand on their own and then you have to allow them to do so." Gretchen's tone was soft and gentle without a hint of judgement.

Shelby shook her head. "It's not that easy though. I've been trying to work with them for nine years."

"And like I said before, what you have done has kept them afloat. They have not been hospitalized-"

"Noah," Shelby began.

"Received treatment, Shelby. He was never put in a hospital unit. We can't focus on what has happened. We can use it to learn from." She straightened. "For instance, with Santana, we can't avoid talking about the hard stuff, especially the stuff she wants to know about, like the trial. And also, you shouldn't apologize for keeping things from her. You have remember what a strong parent you are and give yourself credit for it and stop apologizing for the decisions that you make. At the end of the day, Santana is still sixteen. She certainly has a lot of anger. And it something that we really need to address with her. She can hurt someone-"

"She … "Shelby started.

"It's okay if it scares you. We both know that it scares her too. Her very reaction to this news was part of the reason I suspect that you didn't share things with her and she needs to adjust to that. I think that we can find an outlet for her and a way to focus those anxiety. She can't continue to act like this. She may hurt someone or herself."

Shelby leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes. Gretchen was right but being right and doing right were two different things.

"For Quinn, we need to start following through with our word. Quinn needs some freedom. They all do but this girl has been alone for her entire life. She's not anymore but we need to let her have an ability to have some time just for her."

Shelby sighed again. "But when we give her freedom she wanders off."

"I know I saw that today, but she does that because she isn't given the opportunity to have her time. We need to give her space."

"I know," Shelby stated. "I just…. I don't know how."

"We will figure it out together." Gretchen said giving her a reassuring smile. "You just have to be open to change. While you may think it was a very bad start, I think that this day could not have gone any better. The girls let down their defense mechanisms and the triggers just happened. Trying to explain what they do is different from their natural reactions."

Shelby gave a slow nod.

"Another thing that we also really need to address is the fact that Rachel doesn't remember most of her trauma, which is typical, but what makes Rachel's situation so unique is everyone knows the details … except for her. And quite frankly that little girl is smart enough that I think she will try to fill in those details if she hasn't already."

Shelby looked at her exhausted. "I know…. She knows that she can Google herself… I just…. I haven't told her because she hasn't usually asked. I've been waiting for her to ask….. but…." Shelby looked at her hands. "She told me awhile back that she knew it made us sad… so she didn't…. but she wants to know."

"And we need to let her know then. We can do that together."

Shelby took another heavy sigh and looked toward the door again.

Gretchen gave her a gentle smile. "Go home. I'll contact you with a schedule tomorrow."

Shelby shook her head. "No….. no… I think you're right….. I really do," she said meeting her gaze. "And because of that I need to know the plan. I need to know what we're going to do."

"Shelby, this isn't something that we're going to fix overnight," Gretchen began.

"I know that, but I need to know the steps. I need to know what's going to happen." she said.

"Well, we will try to get the girls active again and really work on each of their plans. We will form a treatment plan. Santana needs to work on her anger. She describes herself as being held together with tape and glue and I think we can work on that. We need to get each of them an activity that is just theirs. For instance, I think Santana might enjoy boxing. Quinn may really flourish in an art class. And Rachel, I think can thrive again in dance or music… It's something that we will work closely with her because she used to do it. And we also need to talk about school. I know that you have worked with the school district and they have a tutor and are hitting the necessarily milestones, but we need to get them back in a school setting."

Shelby opened her mouth to protest but Gretchen went on.

"And I think you also need to really evaluate what you need to keep you balanced," Gretchen said carefully. "Do you still see someone?"

Shelby waited a few beats before she responded. "Yes… but not regularly."

"I think you need to consider going regularly."

"I've heard this before but I -"

"But nothing," Gretchen said. "You and I both know it will probably help."

Shelby gave a silent nod.

"For Noah we'll just continue to work toward the goal of getting him ready for college," she stated. "Emotionally and academically."

Shelby nodded. "He certainly needs that support. He sent me a text that he was enjoying his time with Matthew."

"... The… The ruling is later this week..."Shelby said. "Should you be there for that? When I tell them I mean."

Gretchen paused. "No, I don't need to be there. We will certainly plan to talk about it."

"In the individual sessions and the family session?"

Gretchen nodded. "I don't want to overwhelm them with services but-"

"No, services I think they'll acclimate to… it's the other stuff…. like school and social stuff that they'll struggle with…" Shelby looked up and say that confused look on Gretchen's face. "It's just been us."

"We need to try to change that."

Shelby nodded. "I know…. but it seems as if every time we change things fall apart."

"You can't think like that," Gretchen stated.

"I know I shouldn't but I do…. because it happens."

"Your daughter, Santana, said the same thing."

"She did?" Shelby asked.

Gretchen nodded. "Yes, she did."

"Shelby, I think that your strength as a family being so close is such a strength but I think it's also an achilles heel if you don't use it well."

"Like what?"

"Like the girls have all told me that you all sleep in the same bed. I'm not stating that it needs to begin tonight but they need to start moving toward not sleeping together. You and I both know that it is not good for their sleeping patterns.-"

"Typically, yes, but they actually sleep better together." Gretchen looked at Shelby with a frown and Shelby went on." "It's something that I attempted to work on for years but I was trying to choose my battles."

"I think it's a battle we're going to have to tackle again. Like I said, don't rush into major changes but we'll work on it in family therapy and in-home therapy. I'll start doing that at the house."

Shelby sighed and looked at her with an exhausted nod.

"You're doing well, Shelby. We just need to figure out how your family can safely grow and change."

"I feel as if I used to be better at this and then all of a sudden I just…. I forgot how," Shelby admitted quietly.

"I think you're just figuring out a new dance rather than dancing the old one," Gretchen said softly.

"I guess so," she muttered.

…..

An hour later the family was sitting quietly at home trying their best to let their minds escape into the reality of the show and escape the present.

Noah let out another chuckle as they watched the scene of the show. "Our family isn't like the Dunphy's right?"

Quinn arched her brow at her brother. She turned back to the screen and folded her arms more tightly in front of her. "We're like a twisted version of the Dunphy's."

"I wouldn't say twisted," Santana said from the opposite end of the couch with Rachel leaning against her chest.

"Yeah, I would just say dark," Rachel said quietly.

Santana combed Rachel's hair back from her face and kissed the top of her forehead as Rachel let out a yawn.

Quinn looked over at Shelby who was typing on her laptop. "What are you doing?"

"Just catching up on an email," Shelby said casually.

Quinn frowned and looked over at Santana, who only shrugged.

"Ma, when will I see Matthew again?"

"Didn't he tell you today?" Shelby asked looking up.

"I think so but I just wanted to check," Noah replied as he laughed again at the show. "It's in a few days right?"

"I think you're going to meet with Matthew once a week, but that you can call him if you need to," Shelby said as she closed the computer.

"Mumma, I think you're nicer when you talk about us," Rachel said as she looked over at her mother and then her siblings for agreement. "Plus… I think we are nicer to each other."

Quinn rolled her eyes. "Rachel, we're only nice to each other when we're not throwing things at each other."

Santana grinned. "Truth."

"Guys, we need to start getting back into our routine," Shelby said as she set the computer

"Why are you working?" Quinn asked. "You don't really do that often."

"Sometimes I need to though," she said standing up.

"What routine?" Rachel asked.

"Wait, if you're on your laptop does that mean we get ours back?" Santana asked. "Quinn barely had time to time to use hers."

Quinn shook her head sheepishly.

"It's not mine, Santana," Quinn responded. "Rachel and I share one because neither of us need one of our own."

"Glad we're not sharing," Santana mumbled.

"Me too," she said with an eye roll. "I don't want to deal with your porn spam."

"You have porn spam?" Rachel asked looking up at her sister.

"No," Santana hissed. "Quinn, it is your laptop you just want to say that its shared with Rachel because you didn't want to accept it."

"Shut it," Quinn growled.

"Enough," Shelby said.

"What routine?" Rachel asked again.

"Holly will come back in. You guys have the Ohio State Exams coming up. You need need to be sure that you'll pass to the next grade."

Santana frowned. "Will I be going back to school?... Any of us?"

"I am," Noah said without hesitation.

"You are?" Quinn asked as she looked over at him.

"You want to?" Santana asked with a slight scoff which received an elbow from Rachel.

"Yeah," Noah said. "Right mom? I can go….." His brow furrowed. "I … I can't really remember why I stopped…..I just kinda miss it."

"You had the plague, idiot. Remember?" Santana asked.

Shelby frowned at Santana, who shrunk back. "Sorry….."

Shelby turned and looked at her son, surprised. "I'm happy you want to go back, Noah."

"Why do you want to go back?" Santana asked, still confused by her brother's motivation.

He shrugged and shook his head. "I'm not sure…..but I do…. I want to…."

Santana arched her brow and shook her head. There seemed to be so many changes around her that she felt like the last to know. her brother hated school…. he always went but he hated it and now he was asking to go back. What was happening. She pulled Rachel closer to her and rested her chin on top of the girl's head. She didn't want to go back. she wasn't that person anymore.

Quinn stared at her hands and exchanged a side glance with Santana. She watched as the older brunette had pulled Rachel closer to her and was deep in thought with a mixture of insecurity and nervousness on her face. Santana opened her mouth to speak, but Noah cut her off.

"I'm a senior…. and …. I can't … I don't want to spend another year there." Noah said more to himself than to his mother. It was as if he just realized his reason.

Shelby stared at him in surprise. "I'm glad you want to go, Noah," she smiled.

"Mom, I don't want to go," Quinn spat out suddenly. She shook her head rapidly. "I …. I don't like Holly a lot but …. I don't want to do school with everyone else. ….. I …. Not yet… I can't."

"Me too," Santana whispered.

Rachel just looked at Shelby and nodded.

Shelby gave a slight shake of her head and gentle smile. "We will work with Gretchen's new team and see when you are ready to go back to school and if there is a chance that it should be a different school."

She watched the girls physically relax for the most part, but they all seemed to look tense and stressed from the process. Shelby took a deep breath as she soaked in her children's faces. She sat down and rubbed her legs as she smiled lazily at them.

"There will be some changes, a lot of changes," she said with a deep breath. "Rach and Q-bear need to be healthier. We're going to work with Gretchen and her team to help us get back on a routine. Miss Holly is going to help you stay on grade level. She and I talked briefly and she thinks that you are all on point but we will still need to do some work, especially staying on task." She looked at Santana briefly. "We're going to get you back to being as active as you all used to be. Sue called and stated she'd be willing to help because she told me that everyone else would would only assist you on becoming lazy."

"She always says that," Santana muttered.

Noah laughed. "I won't have to do that with hockey season coming up." He pointed at the girls. "It's alllll you!"

"Shut up," Santana frowned.

Shelby shook her head. "No more squabbling." She stood up and leaned down and kissed Santana on the top of her head. "I love you."

Santana gave a small smile. "Love you…"

"I love you," Shelby said as she kissed Quinn on her forehead and poked the end of her nose as she pulled away. the blond gave her a tearful smile.

"I love you," Shelby told Rachel as she kissed her on her temple.

"I love you, Mumma," Rachel said with a grin.

"And you love me," Noah said as he held his arm over his head to shield himself for a kiss.

Shelby pulled his arm down and kissed him on the cheek.

He gave a screech and wiped his cheek. "Ma!"

"Your aunt is coming over with food," Shelby said with a forced smile.

"You're not happy you don't have to cook?" Rachel asked.

Santana looked down at her. "Mom's just as tired as we are, Rach, and Aunt Joey is full of -"

"Energy," Shelby said cutting her off.

Santana frowned. "I was gonna say that…..Well something like it."

"We can watch a movie as we eat and settle down for the night and start anew tomorrow. Holly is coming over tomorrow. She's bringing Sugar so I expect the three of you to be on your best behavior. She and I are meeting in the morning and I want the four of you to work on whatever is needed. "

Santana rolled her eyes again.

"Pick out a movie please," Shelby said. "I'm going to grab your meds, girls. Rachel, why don't you go upstairs and change."

"Why do I have to change?"

"Because your siblings changed into sweats when they got home. I want you to be changed for when you fall asleep in the next few hours," Shelby said as she opened her computer on the counter in the kitchen.

Rachel groaned and disappeared up the stairs.

Quinn watched after her mother as she exited the room. She combed her hands through her hair as Shelby checked her email on her laptop for the second time that hour.

"What is she doing?" she asked Santana shifted next to her.

Santana looked toward her mother. "I don't know," she shrugged. "Mom, what are you doing?"

"Subtle, San," Quinn grumbled.

"Nothing," Shelby said. She closed her notebook computer. "Hurry up, guys, and pick a movie before your aunt comes over and picks one for you." She looked around. "Did Rachel go upstairs yet?"

Noah nodded and began flipping through the guide on the television and Shelby disappeared up the stairs. Quinn watched until Shelby disappeared before she stood up and walked briskly toward the kitchen.

"Ugh, what are you doing?" Santana asked as she followed her with heavy steps.

"Open the computer," Quinn said as they walked into the kitchen.

Santana smiled happy to have some mischief to distract her. She opened the computer quickly and typed in her mother's password.

Quinn looked at her in confusion. "How did you-"

Santana scoffed and rolled her eyes. "I'm Santana Corcoran, Quinn. Plllleeease."

The brunette turned and looked at the computer. Her smile faded when she saw the title. "It's an email from Jackie at social services…. talking about another placement."

A throat cleared behind them.

Santana turned to her mother and shook her head. Her chest felt heavy and she couldn't do this.

"What are you doing?" Shelby asked

"What are you doing?" Santana asked. she shook her head and looked away. "I'm so tired of being mad at you. Why can't you tell us what's going on"

"Santana, that's enough. Stop," Shelby said. "I know you're upset, but I am the mother here. You can be mad at me all you want but you are not the adult, I am. I will choose what to discuss with you."

"Were you not going to tell us until the girl showed up at our door? or the night before?"

Quinn looked over at Santana with a confused frown that the angry brunette missed but the mother didn't.

"What?" Noah asked coming into the kitchen with Rachel at his side. "We're getting someone else?"

"You didn't read far enough," Shelby said. "I told her no. I cannot take a fifth child. We can't take someone else."

"Because one of us would have to share a room?" Rachel asked.

"No," Shelby said gently. "I said no because we need to focus on us. And I need to give the four of you 400% of my energy. If we were to have another child in my home you would each get less of my attention."

"But… I looked at some of the email," Quinn said. "... She goes to our school and she needs to finish her year… right? …. Why can't we take her?"

Shelby looked at her. "Quinn," she said gently. "We're not going to have another person into our home."

Quinn looked at her tearfully. "Why can't you save her like you saved me."

"Quinn," Shelby said as she moved toward her.

"No, don't," Quinn said as she moved away from her. "Why can't she go to Joey's house? She just needs a place."

"Quinn, it's not that easy. Joey isn't licensed to be a foster parent. She hasn't had experience-"

"She's raised two nethanderthals and watches us and -"

"She was approved as a resource for me, but she's not a foster parent. It's a different process and plus, I don't even know if that's something she and Bear would want to do. It's already been done, guys. you're not going to push this. Plus. … I've told them that I need to close my home as a foster parent."

Quinn took a shaky breath. "What? What do you mean?"

She wasn't sure why she panicking. She didn't even know when she began to cry, but she knew that she was right now. She felt devastated for this girl and she didn't know exactly why but all she could think about was what is Shelby has said no to her.

"Why are you crying?" Noah asked looking at Quinn. He looked at the other women in his family. "Why is she crying?"

Quinn wiped her tears. "I'm not." She shook her head. "I just think that this is stupid…..We can take care of her."

"But not in the way that she needs," Shelby replied.

"I was in the group home …. even for a little bit I was. You're like the Holy Grail. Everyone would settle for mediocre. They would settle for living under the stairs or the chokey-"

"What?" Noah asked.

"She's referencing Harry Potter AND Matilda," Rachel beamed as if she just discovered another incredible part of Quinn she didn't know about.

Quinn just shook her head. "I was Matilda but the closest person I head to Miss Honey was Sue Sylvester…And that's saying something….. and then there was you. "I think it's wrong…" She looked over at Santana and then down at her hands. "Do you ever feel like you're stuck? You're stuck with this feeling deep in your heart and you feel like you're drowning and you will never get to the surface? Do you wake up and remember that feeling every day and you wonder to yourself with a deep sadness if this is your forever… if you're always going to feel this way? If this is it? If this is how your future will be? … like it's never going to get better?"

Santana looked at Quinn for a moment and took her hand silently.

Quinn went on. "I feel that all the time… I feel it all the time…. but then for a moment I remember you'll be downstairs pushing me to drink some protein shake or having me talk to you and asking me how I am…. and I just…. why can't you give that to someone else too?"

Shelby put her hand on her own chest and walked toward Quinn. She bit her lip and shared a look with the others. Her eyes locked momentarily with Santana's.

Before Shelby could say anything, she was cut off.

"Mumma, why can't we take someone else? I can sleep in Santana's room. I already do… Well we all sleep in Quinn's room lately. I would like to add something as a person who has spent a lot of time under the stairs. It is very comfortable and can be appropriately converted to a bedroom," Rachel said, showing a spark of her old self.

Shelby chuckled mildly but regained her composure. "It's still a no."

Santana folded her arms across her chest. "But why?"

"Because it is," Shelby said. "It's terrible and it's hard." Her voice waivered slightly, but it is what it is. "And right now my focus is the four of you and no one else. Quinn, I know that right now. Everything is hard."

"It's always hard," Santana interjected quietly.

"I cannot begin to understand and I can only imagine, but how you feel…. like you're struggling to get to the surface. I believe that you will feel like you are floating and then all of a sudden you're on land. We need to focus on getting us back on land."

"And you can't worry about any other drowning kids," Quinn hissed under her breath.

"I can't…We can't," Shelby said honestly.

Rachel looked up at her siblings. Noah was silent as he leaned against the door frame with a scowl. Quinn was still tearful and was trying to form words as her arms righted over her chest, as if she were trying to protect herself. Santana looked at her mother and her face remained unreadable.

"This is wrong," Quinn said with a trembling voice.

"Yeah, Mumma, why can't we take someone for a just a little while. I'm sure that he or she will be very good….. We need to help other people and give people a chance. Right?"

Shelby closed her eyes. "Its not that simple. Guys, this is not up for discussion, but no matter what the answer is still no."

Quinn glared at Shelby. "You were the best turning point in my life. You were what saved me and you are just another let down in that girl's story."

Shelby licked her lips and gave a slow nod. She visibly swallowed. "That may be true but the four of you are my story right now. Not this other kid."

Quinn shook her head and started to walked back into the living room.

"Let's go back into the living room."

"i want to be alone," Quinn muttered.

"Well you can sit at the kitchen counter or you can sit in the living room with the rest of us. We're going to have dinner any minute," Shelby said.

Quinn started back toward the kitchen but Santana grabbed her wrist and dragged her into the living room.

"What?" Quinn asked as they sat down on the couch.

"Calm down, Cujo," Santana mumbled. She watched as Rachel was pulling at Noah's mohawk on the other couch. "I get what you mean," she continued quietly. "Like you're stuck I mean."

"It just not fair," Quinn whispered.

Santana nodded. "But…. let's think about it…. It's ….." Santana bit her lip. "Mom can't take on another kid.-"

"Because we're too much?" Quinn hissed.

"Yeah," the brunette responded.. Quinn looked back at her surprised. "You and I both know we have our own shit. Another person… another teenage girl coming in….. that's a cluster fuck."

"But I caused this. you were fine before.. and then I like ….. crow-barred your emotions out of your heart of titanium," Quinn said.

"Careful, your freak flag is flying," Santana said with an arch of her brow.

"I'm serious though…. she goes to our school and she's a senior and we just…. we didn't know."

"We didn't know about you," Noah said as Rachel continued to play with his mohawk with the gel that she retrieved from the bathroom. Noah sat there idly as she did.

Quinn narrowed her eyes. "What?"

"We didn't know, Quinn, and… you just don't know everyone's shi-" Rachel yanked his hair. "Ouch! Shitake! Shitake mushrooms!"

"You just never know what others are going through," Santana muttered.

Quinn shrugged. "I just…. What if she's going to be a Nobel Peace Prize Winner? What if she could be something great but she never will be because we didn't help her?"

Santana frowned and looked at her skeptically. "Are you serious? Sh-Crap happens all the time. It happens all the time and you can't breathe…." She bit her lip and looked over at Rachel remembering the information that she received today. She looked over at Quinn. "Sometimes it's all just too much…..but I think Mom's right. We have a lot to work on." she bit her lip and looked at Quinn and continued quietly. "I think you know that too… and I….. I think you are so good at caring about others but ….. it's also easier than caring for yourself."

Quinn scoffed. "Look who's talking,"

"I'm serious," Santana whispered. "We have to do the work, Quinn…"

The blonde looked at her hands. "What if she wakes up and wonders if that other girl could do it better?" Santana looked back at her questioningly.

"You're here to stay, Q-bear," Shelby said coming up behind her from behind the couch and kissing her on the top of her head. "I promise you that."

Quinn gave miniscule nod. "I still don't think it's fair."

"It never is, sweetheart," Shelby said as she sat down between Santana and Quinn and wrapped her arms around them.

The door suddenly burst open and banged against the counter behind her.

"Hi, Family," Joey smiled as she carried and arm full of take out bags into the family room, only to have Shelby usher her back into the kitchen.

"Jeeeze, Jo, have you met my children. We are not eating on the sofa," Shelby grumbled.

"So… "Joey said as she came into the family room with an amused grin. "Did anything exciting happen on your first day?"

"We might get a foster kid to live under our stairs," Rachel said.

Quinn sighed and gave Joey look. "No, Rach," she said looking over at her. "We aren't getting another kid. We have too much to do."

...

First and foremost, thank you all for your patience. I am so grateful that you continue to follow this story. Thank you for 2002 reviews, 426 favorites, and 575 follows. It blows me away that five hundred and seventy five of you still receive emails that I updated. Thank you for that! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'm sorry that it took so long to post.

Happy birthday to my dear friend, Amanda! She made the fantastic trailers for this story and the sequel.

I would be lost without my phenomenal beta. Thank you, S!

Please let me know your thoughts. Thank you Thank you!