Open Wounds

by 216BLT

AU: The past is the past. Puck, Santana, & Rachel Corcoran have moved on from theirs, but when their mother decides to take in a teen, old memories resurface. Also, new scars are made as they navigate through adolescence, ones that might not heal.

69. Chapter 69

Ellybelly07 - Thank you so much and sorry for the long wait.

krazyy989 – Thanks for reviewing and keeping with the story. Sorry for the wait.

Guest – Sugar is definitely blunt but it works well with Rachel. It will take some time and some patience on Shelby's part but she knows that she needs to give them more independence to allow them to grow. Santana is too emotionally raw to handle a relationship at this time but with time she will develop one – whether or not its Brittany only time will tell. Thank you for reviewing I love hearing everyone's thoughts.

NinjaGleek21 – I am glad you enjoyed the Dexter comment. I am watching all the seasons now and Dexter definitely would have taken care of a couple of these people. I am happy you are enjoying and thank you for the review and the cookies.

Ryoko05 – Wow masterpiece! Thank you so much. I love Quinn and Santana as sisters. They have grown so much and truly love each other. I think if asked they would have a hard time remembering when they didn't love each other. They have been through so much. Thank you for your never ending support.

MusicBaby1013 - Sorry you had such a long wait for this chapter. Writers block along with real life has seemed to take its toll on getting this chapter out. I am actually hoping people are still interested in this family. I am so glad you enjoyed this chapter and overwhelmed that you caught up. Thank you so much for your review.

Bookworm0485 – Shelby's rendition of that song is beautiful. I love it. Thank you so much for the review.

PaoHalliwell – Shelby as wonderful as she is does need help. But now realizing it has become a major step in this family's recovery. Thank you so much for reviewing.

Guest – As much as I and the girls wanted a new foster at this point in time the family has to handle their own problems first. There may come a time when they do meet up or interact with others in similar circumstances but right now we have to fix themselves. They will interact while they are at therapy but they need to concentrate on their own issues first. Slowly but surely each of the Corcorans will start to use music again to heal. Not too sure about when it is introduced for Quinn but we will make it work. Thanks for your review. I appreciate everyone of the them that I get.

Guest – Sorry you had to wait so long for this update. My sincerest apologies. Thank you for your review and your continued support.

KStoryteller – One of the best reviews ever. It made laugh. Sorry to make you cry and I apologize for this delay.

lemon-rind – Thank you so much for the review. Sorry to make you cry. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

KC1991 – Thank you so much for the review.

Lolathe17th – Thank you so much. There is a little bit of optimism and I have to say it is about time. This family has been through a lot. I hope you like the section with the trial in it. I did not go into a lot of debt because the story is about the reactions from the Corcorans and not really about the monsters that came into their lives. Thanks for the review.

Drunalove – Quinn's hair is long right now. Not sure if it will stay that way. Also we did do one birthday and it was Noah's and it didn't go that well. I don't know if we will have another yet but we will see. Thanks for the review.

zuperkt – Things are going to change a bit for everyone so that they can get stronger . Gretchen and her team are going to work with them extensively and give Shelby more tools at her disposal to help the girls and Noah through this latest trouble. Now saying that Quinn and Santana are not going to always be accepting to this therapy nor is Rachel. Thanks for reviewing.

qwertyuiop1234 – Quinn doesn't hold Rachel because she does not think Rachel should be treated like a baby. She has said that many times that they baby her too much. Thanks for your review.

rizzlescalzonafic – My beta relates to Quinn a great deal. I am so glad you can relate. She definitely uses it as a defense mechanism. Thanks for your review.

Blitz182 – Wow marathoning this fic you should get a medal because it is very tense. Amazing. I always try to get more Noah scenes in because to me he is a very important part of this family. He is such an amazing big brother. Thank you so much for review. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Guest – Sorry about the withdrawal. I hope you are still with me. It has been a long wait and I am sorry for that. That's for the review.

Guest – Please forgive me. I hope you did not die on me. Thanks for your review.

Guest – Music will come for this family I promise. It is still is in the hearts of all of them they just have to let it out. Thanks for the review.

Guest – I am so glad you like the relationships. That is important to me and makes me happy write more and more. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with your dads passing. Because of how LeRoy died and what happened after the family broke away a bit. I can't say that we will see them again in this story but possibly in the sequel. Noah will be an amazing boyfriend and when the right woman comes along for him the family will embrace her. Remember he is still in high school and his family has been through a lot. Thank you for the review.

Guest – Sorry for the long wait. I only hope you are still with me. Thank you for reviewing.

HannahWilliam33 – I am so happy you liked it. I am having major writers block and I am so sorry for the wait. I am glad you are really loving the relationships. Thanks for the review.

Eyghon – Impressed that you have gotten all the way through the story and I am certainly humbled by your words. There is a little more left in Open and then on to the sequel which we actually have quite a few scenes written already. I don't want to spoil if there is a time jump but you might be on to something (wink, wink). I apologize for making you wait so long for an update after you did an incredible job in catching up with the story. Thank you for the review it is very much appreciated.

Alese222 – Re-read it twice! Thank you! The bonding for the sisters as well as the rest of the family is something that I really try to convey and I am glad you like it. I am sorry for the delay in the updates, writers block as well as real life has gotten in the way but this story and its sequel is very much a part of mine and my betas life so it will go on as long as we have an audience. Thank you for reviewing.

Guest – I have missed updating it too. Trust me it has not been for lack of trying. Thank you for your patience and reviewing this story.

Readitallinonego – LOVE your pen name! It is a very rough story and a hard read. I know that I have lost some readers over the years because of the material and maybe because of lack of updates recently. My beta and I remember when we used to get chapters out in a week or so. Not sure why this one has been forever and I can only say I am sorry. I pride myself in making each of the characters believable and also grow at the same time. They all have slipped but I think that makes them all the more realistic. I am humbled by your words and I hope you enjoy the latest chapter. Thank you for your review.

Guest – I hope you enjoy this latest chapter and I am glad you love this family because at this point my beta and I feel this family is ours. Thank you for the review.

Chapter 69

"I've never heard her do that before," Quinn mumbled as she leaned against Santana's shoulder. "I didn't even know she could anymore."

Santana stared on at her sister and mother. "I can't remember the last time I heard her sing," she mumbled.

Quinn glanced over at her and watched her stare at her hands. "You okay?"

Santana gave a single shrug. "Yeah…." She met her eyes with a weak smile. "I'm fine."

"Santana?" The girl looked up at Gretchen. She had forgotten that the woman was even sharing that moment with them. She glanced over at her mother who was also looking at her with concern. She hated when her mother's brow knitted like that because it meant she was thinking so deeply she was willing to get

"What?" she asked with a little bite. She glanced down at Rachel who was also looking at her pensively.

"Well," Shelby said said with a sigh as she straightened to her feet. "I want to say that I'm sorry,"

"For what?" Santana asked with a frown.

"Please don't give an inspirational speech, Mom," Quinn said with a dull tone, realizing that her mother could go in that direction quickly before anyone could stop her.

Shelby scoffed and gave a slight sigh with a smirk. "I'm not, Quinn... I have been reminded what singing meant to me." She let her smile fade on her lips. "Still means to me." She looked down at Rachel and to the kids. "I don't ever want you guys to give up something you love because it … " Shelby searched for the words.

"Because it ruined everything?" Santana finished with a mumble. She looked up sharply at her family as if she realized what she said. "I didn't …. Mom, I'm sorry."

"By the way that was an inspirational speech," Quinn said at the same time that Santana mumbled something under her breath.

Shelby arched her brow at Quinn and turned her attention to Santana.

Shelby nodded. "I understand, San."

Santana gave a nod and looked down at her hands. Even though her mother said that she understood, she wasn't sure that her mother really did understand. She had too many mixed feelings running through her head. It was all so much at once. She pushed the thoughts from her head, blatantly refusing to focus on the thoughts anymore.

"It's okay to be confused," Gretchen offered, interrupting her thoughts. "And it's okay to be happy and upset. It's okay to feel that all at once."

Santana knew that she couldn't explain what she was feeling because she didn't even know herself. Hearing her mother sing brought so much to the surface. It was like it was pulling her under and if she thought too much about it, she would drown. She couldn't do that. She shook her head again toward her mother.

"I'm fine. Don't worry about it." She looked at gave another sigh and glared at Gretchen. "And, no, I don't want to talk about it."

Shelby nodded at her daughter, knowing that Santana's relationship with music was long and scarred. Healing wouldn't happen overnight. Shelby watched as Santana shifted from foot to foot and tried to get into her daughter's head.

"You don't have to do performances like you did before, Ma," Noah said as he leaned against the door frame, breaking Shelby from her thoughts. "I just listen and play music sometimes...you know?"

Shelby smiled softly, loving that one of Noah's many qualities was that he never gave up on things. Even as a kid he did what he wanted when he wanted to. Shelby was never good at putting limits on him, but he always set his own for the most part. She paused, save for his anger… and his academics. She chuckled inwardly. He was an easy going boy and he never let his father's death deny him from still having a relationship with his father's music.

"That's a great idea," Gretchen said.

Shelby saw her two older girls roll their eyes and she shot them a look. The absence of her children's manners astounded her at times.

"I think that as an assignment you should integrate something you used to love back into your routine, even if it's only for just five minutes-"

Santana scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"Santana," Shelby said warningly.

"Don't you need to have a therapy session or something about this?" Quinn asked seeing Santana's discomfort.

"Perhaps, we should," Gretchen began.

"I was kidding," Quinn said dryly. She grabbed Santana's arm. "We will be upstairs doing homework."

"Stay down here please," Shelby called out.

Quinn rolled her eyes. "We will…Noah, let's go." Noah groaned but trailed after his sisters.

Shelby watched as Santana allowed herself to be pulled out of the room. She gave a small sigh and felt Rachel look up at her curiously. The sound of someone clearing their throat pulled Shelby from her thoughts. Sugar was glaring at them.

"What is it?" Shelby asked with a smirk meeting the visiting girls' gaze.

"It was my idea to show her," Sugar said straightening, expecting praise.

"Well, thank you," Shelby said with a nod. "You helped me remember something that I forgot long ago."

Sugar nodded and rolled her eyes. "It's always been on YouTube. There has always been Youtube."

"Good to know," Gretchen said with an arched brow.

"Rach, Sugar's aunt will be here soon. Sugar is all of your stuff packed up?" Shelby asked.

Sugar nodded confidently as Rachel shook her head rapidly.

"Well, let's go upstairs," Joey said. Shelby smiled at her. She had forgotten that she was still in the kitchen. "Let's get Miss Sugar ready so that she can leave." Sugar glared at her. "Because it's time for her to go back to her home."

Shelby watched after her sister gratefully as the girls disappeared up the stairs.

"Well," Gretchen said pulling Shelby from her thoughts.

"Well, indeed," Shelby said quietly. "I feel like I was hit by a tidal wave."

"Let's talk for a bit?"

Shelby gave a curt nod and led them into the den.

"Now, why did you want them to stay downstairs?" Gretchen asked.

"Have you met my children?" she laughed. She saw Gretchen didn't laugh with her and sighed. "Well, they're in trouble… per usual."

"I think that you should start giving them more freedom," Gretchen told her simply.

Shelby scoffed. "When I gave them freedom, one got a tattoo, all of them climbed on the roof, one drove a car and couldn't even reach the pedals, they smoked, one planned a field trip to jail, one burnt toast so severely that they set fire and also my youngest child stole an endangered baby animal from a zoo."

"Don't you think they miss their friends?" Gretchen asked moving almost too quickly for Shelby's taste.

Shelby arched her brow and pursed her lips. "I love my children," she lowered their voice. "They barely let each other in, let alone other friends. They haven't even asked to have other people over."

"Did they know it was an option?" Gretchen countered, but was only met with an arched brow from Shelby. "Doe it bother you that they don't ask about their friends?"

"Of course it does," she snapped. "But I'm not going to push them."

"Well, I think we should."

"They are social. Noah is on the football team and the lacrosse team. Santana and Quinn are cheerleaders and Rachel…. We'll work on Rachel," Shelby said getting flustered. "But they can be social they're just…. they don't always do things outside of school."

Gretchen nodded slightly. "That doesn't bother you?"

"Of course it does," Shelby said with another sigh. "I told you I choose my battles with my children."

Gretchen nodded. "You should consider choosing more. Like I've told you before, you all have taken great strides to get here. There are just more steps that need to be taken. Honestly, I think we've made a lot of discoveries since I began working with you, but it's important to embrace the successes that have already been achieved. Not all kids are able to do as well in school and in extra curriculars are your children, especially after all of the trauma they've experienced."

Shelby arched her brow. "Well…. That's good."

"My team and I have developed treatment plans as we spoke about before." She handed the documents to Shelby. "As we discussed, one of the goals is getting the girls started in another activity to move toward greater independence. I really love that your family is so close knit, but as you and I have talked about before, they are so co-dependent on each other. When you're home, do your children spend any time apart?"

Shelby chewed her lip. "... Sometimes….." She shook her head. "We have a long way to go. We have … a lot of reconciliation to make."

"With what?"

"With our pasts," Shelby said quietly.

"I think you have made so much progress, but you're all scared to let go. This is a chance for everyone to have a clean slate," she said. "Now, you need to step up-"

"Excuse me?" Shelby said as she narrowed her eyes.

"We've been working for a little while now." She paused. "Where are you in the kids' schooling?"

Shelby gave a heavy sigh. "Well, Holly is coming over more often and the kids are preparing to take their state exams."

"The girls are, but what about Noah? He's in his senior year."

"I know that, but he's behind and I don't just want him to return to school. Holly and I have communicated with the school and we have the assignments that he needs to complete and we're hoping to have him go back soon-"

"Monday," Gretchen said. "He needs to return to school. He can't do the work for school unless he's in school. He wants to go back. He's told me that. What's holding you back?"

Shelby sighed. Everything, she thought to herself. "Okay," she said quietly.

"I know things have happened before and things haven't gone as planned, but that's why we're all in place."

Shelby gave a tiny nod as the folded her arms across her chest.

"Give Quinn and Santana some more independence. When was the last time you let the girls run an errand?"

Silence gave her her answer.

"Shelby, they're sixteen," Gretchen said again.

Shelby sighed and licked her lips. "I know that." She found herself caught in a moment. An argument she had once had with Leroy about how Santana would be such a terrible teenager because her husband would never tell her no.

"Shelby?"

The woman jumped ever so slightly. "Yes? Sorry…"

"What are you thinking about?"

Shelby shook her head with a wistful smile. "Nothing."

"Well, I was saying that Rachel should go to new classes and you need to drop her off there and let her stay."

"We'll see about that," Shelby said.

"We will work on it," Gretchen assured. She attempted to shift gears. "When was the last time you sang?"

Shelby laughed. "In the car?"

"No, I mean seriously… and not lessons, either. When was the last time you sang?" Gretchen asked as she leaned back against the counter.

She shook her head. "I don't know why that matters. I'm a different person than I was then." She folded her arms over her chest. "I just need to figure out how to reintegrate it back into my life…. I just …. I was a different person then."

Gretchen nodded slowly. "I know that you're a different person than you were back then, but I believe that this is a part of you. Singing and music is a part of you and you have cut yourself off from it to punish yourself."

Shelby put up her hands. "You're not my therapist." She released a heavy sigh. "I'm sorry…. This is just….a lot. I've lost so much and I have focused on them."

"Well, you need to focus on you."

"I'll speak with my therapist," Shelby said trying to contain her eye roll, but failing.

"What advice do you think I'm going to give you?"

"That I need to move on?" Shelby asked.

"Shelby, you know the answer to this. Think about the advice you give to your children."

Shelby was trying her best not to glare at the woman. "My children know that I will love and support them."

"When Rachel started singing, why did you encourage her to continue?"

"Because it helped her," Shelby said. "She escaped into the music… but it helped her recognize all that she could do."

"And now she wants to give it up?" Gretchen guessed.

"She doesn't but it hurts too much. It reminds her of so much and I get that." Shelby sighed and looked down at her ringless finger. "I get that."

"Shelby, how can Rachel tackle the pain of what music brought her if you refuse to recognize your own pain?"

Shelby stared at the woman for a moment. Shelby was a therapist. She knew all of these things. She really did, but in that moment in her kitchen as this woman spoke to her, she realized what a task she was asking her children. In her heart of hearts, Shelby has always known that there was an unbalance between what Shelby was asking of her children and what her actions demonstrated to them.

"I'm a hypocrite," Shelby whispered.

"No, you're not," Gretchen said. "The point of that question wasn't to suggest that you were, Shelby. I'm not saying you need to return to singing. However, I'm saying that you need to reconcile your relationship with your past. All of the kids do."

Shelby opened her mouth to speak but the doorbell interrupted her thoughts.

"Excuse me," she said quietly as she went to the door.

"Shelby, it's okay to talk about it," Gretchen called after her.

The mother paused at the door and gave a curt nod. Maybe it was time. Shelby turned back to the woman.

"I … I need to talk to you at some point about Quinn and her falling asleep. And Santana's reaction to me singing."

"Do you want to talk about it now?" Gretchen offered.

Shelby shook her head and laughed. "By talk about, I mean I need you to explain it to me. Should I be worried?"

"I think that we have a lot to talk about. After you gave me releases for the school, I found a subtly in one of Quinn's old school records. She has been dissociating for years. Falling asleep in class, staring off into space, while still soaking in what is around her and maintaining her high GPA. I think it was one of the only ways she's been able to survive. However, I also think her ability to sleep anywhere during any conversation also contributes to the fact that they all sleep together. As for Santana, you and I both know that the biggest demon she battles is herself with all of her anger. I don't think it's specifically your singing as much as what it triggered. We can talk about it more later. You should make an appointment with your therapist-"

"It's not pressing," Shelby said quietly as she wrung out of her hands.

"I see you panicking, Shelby," Gretchen said.

"I'm not," she hissed through her teeth. There was so much that was flooding her mind in this moment. She gulped and folded her arms tightly. "You'll still meet with the kids this afternoon."

"Yes, and I think it would be fine if you want to take the time to speak with your therapist," Gretchen encouraged.

"I'm fine," she muttered.

"I already made an appointment," Joey said as she led the girls through the kitchen.

The doorbell rang again.

"You do know that the noise means there is someone at the door, right?" Sugar said as Joey guided her toward the front door

"You okay?" Joey asked in a whisper as she moved around Shelby. "Sugar, go grab your stuff."

"I have it," Sugar said as she rolled her eyes.

Shelby was so stuck in her head she barely noticed the loud little girl leave. She barely even felt her sister usher her out the door saying that she had already made arrangements for their mother to stay with the kids while they met with Gretchen. She kept looking down at her hand as they drove into town. Her finger from her right hand traced over her ring finger of her left hand absently.

"Shelby, what's going on?" Joey's voice finally penetrated Shelby's fog.

Shelby looked around realizing they were outside of the office.

"I just need to … I just need to talk to Patrick about some stuff….." she murmured as she tried to tame the tornado of her memories. "Can you just check on the kids and make sure dinner is ready?"

"Annnnd, pick you up….?" Joey said in that annoying way she did when Shelby and her were kids.

"I can walk," Shelby said.

"I'm sorry," Joey said with a scowl. "I thought that you were my sister not one of my nieces."

Shelby was yanked from her thoughts. "What?"

Joey waved her arm in Shelby's direction from the driver's seat. "I don't know what's going on, but this is not you."

Shelby shrugged. "I can't explain it…. I...Not yet… That's why I need to talk to Patrick and then…. then we'll talk. I'm sorry… I'm just..."

"Full," Joey finished. "I get it. Okay… I'm just going to sit out here."

"Joey, just go do something," Shelby said as she approached the door of the building. "Something productive that doesn't include stalking me."

….

Barely five minutes into her session, Quinn was speechless. Quinn stared back at Gretchen with a frown. She didn't understand the question.

"What do you mean?" she asked the woman.

"Well, what do you want for your future?"

"But in relation to what?" Quinn asked again crossing her arms.

"Everything," Gretchen said. "School. family."

"You do know that I'm sixteen, right?" Quinn asked. "I believe that you need to take things day by day. There's no use focusing on the past."

"Do you really believe that?" Gretchen asked.

"Any amount of me talking about it won't make it not happen. It won't make it go away. It happened. I'm angry. I'm sad. I just…. I'm tired. mostly I'm just tired and I want these feeling to go away and I want to be at the next step. I want to snap my fingers and feel better. You know?" Quinn looked at her with a deep set from and shook her head. "Why am I here? Really here… Talking to you I mean."

"Because I think that you would benefit from this," Gretchen began. "It's our weekly session."

"How do you think I can benefit from this?" she asked with a piercing glare and a folding of her arms.

"How do you think?"

"You can't answer a question with a question," Quinn said shaking her head in disappointment. "I just told you that there's no point in talking about it."

"I think that you believe that not talking about what happened is what's best for you," Gretchen said.

"Why will talking about it help?" she frowned deeper. She and Santana had discussed this several times. Talking about it doesn't make it disappear…It doesn't make you forget."

"Because talking about what happened makes it less scary—'' Gretchen started.

"No it doesn't," she interrupted sharply. "I've moved on. You dragging me in here to discuss my feelings about the past doesn't help me."

"Quinn, it hurts to talk about it and it hurts to revisit those things—"

"So why bother!?" Quinn yelled.

"Because the more that we explore it together, the more that we can understand and ultimately, I believe, the easier it is for you to talk about it, the easier it is for you to process it."

"You're not hearing me," Quinn said rolling her eyes. "I don't need to talk about it because I've already processed it. It sucked. It… It hurt… and … now I'm safe and I'm whole."

"Were you broken before?" Gretchen asked.

"Of course, I was," she whispered.

"Why do you say that?"

"Don't shrink me," she spat. "I don't need this."

"Why did you fall asleep when Shelby—"

"She's my mother," she corrected.

"I apologize," she replied. "When your mother told you that you had an opportunity to go to the trial, you fell asleep during the conversation. Were you very tired?"

Quinn shrugged. "Yeah, I sleep with my sisters…. So yeah…. Because Rachel kicked me by accident last night….I think I woke up. So yeah… I was tired."

"Where do you usually sleep?"

"With my sisters and sometimes my mom joins us." Quinn frowned. She didn't understand why this mattered.

"Why?"

"Because….. because I don't like sleeping alone," she admitted staring at a spot on the floor. "It's just here I sleep. Anyway, I just slept because… I was tired."

"Are you tired a lot? Do you fall asleep a lot during conversations?"

"Ones that I don't want to be apart of," the girl muttered. "Why does it matter? It's not a special skill.. It's just something that I do."

"Something that you do?"

"Yeah," the blonde said with a sharp tone.

"That level of dissociation to the point of deep sleep can be very concerning, Quinn. We want to make sure that things are okay. I know that you've been through a lot but I'm worried that your coping mechanisms have become so severe that you're unintentially hurting yourself."

Quinn frowned. "REally … I'm fine…. you and everyone else have nothing to worry about."

"I know that you think talking about it won't help, but I believe that we've already made a great deal of progress," Gretchen said. "Let's talk more about your sleeping."

"I really don't want to," Quinn said. "I don't need to."

Gretchen nodded and held Quinn's gaze but didn't say anything.

"What?" Quinn asked. Her eyes darted. "Fine," she spit finally.

"Fine?" Gretchen asked.

"I was faking it, okay?" Quinn said folding her arms. "She knows, doesn't she? My mom? That's why she's having you ask me? What was I supposed to do? I wanted to not be there! I didn't want to listen to it. Talking about the past doesn't make it go away. how many times have I had to tell you that?"

Gretchen nodded patiently.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" Quinn asked impatiently.

"It seems as if you aren't finished," Gretchen said calmly.

"We have so many talks in our house about feelings. I feel enough already and I'm ready to explode. I don't want to be there I never want to be there and…. I just… I faked it…." her voice faded. "I used to all the time….. It didn't help though… not with him…"

Quinn chewed her lip and looked down at her voice.

"Thank you for telling me the truth," Gretchen said.

"I haven't before because I didn't really think it mattered," she said with a shrug.

"I'm relieved," Gretchen said, "Because as I said, there are ways that people dissociate when tackling stress."

"Yeah, well, I've read that you can overpathologize a person," Quinn spat. "I think this may be a fine example," she mocked.

"Your attitude really takes a dive when you're feeling vulnerable," Gretchen observed.

"Thank you, Oprah. I'm grateful we're paying you for your expert opinion."

"Quinn, stop it. I don't expect you to like me but I require the same respect I give you," Gretchen scolded.

The blonde contained her eye roll, but only barely.

"What other ways have you used to escape?" Gretchen asked.

Quinn gave a single shrug. "I used to read a lot." She paused and looked up at the woman, who nodded at her to continue.

"How did you use them?"

"How do you think?"

Gretchen arched her brow warningly.

Quinn sighed. She looked at Gretchen with a mixture of distaste and conceding humility. She began quietly, "When things were scary or I was overwhelmed I would just go there. I would go through my dreams… even though sometimes it's hard to stay asleep … it was … kind of easy to escape from a situation if I needed to… I just close my eyes, you know?"

"What was your favorite book?"

"Alice in Wonderland," Quinn said. "It was my life and my fantasy all at once."

"What do you mean?"

"I wanted to escape into another world… and I was running from … from my family… from cutting my head off," she said quietly with a shrug.

"Interesting," she nodded. "Yesterday, why didn't you want to be a part of that conversation?"

Quinn looked at her as she chewed her lip. "I just didn't want to be. I've moved on from him. I knew I didn't want to go so there was no need to be a part of it anymore."

"Does that worry you?"

She gave another shrug. "Did my sister tell you that we weren't friends before?" She looked up. "Santana and I….. I was bitch, but in my defense, so was she. We were both bitches and I'm pretty sure we competed over who the best bitch was." Quinn chuckled to herself. "I spent my life pretending to be someone else…. to be safe. I feel safer now…. and I've moved on."

"Quinn, how do you think you've moved on?"

"I have a new life and a new family," she said simply.

"Why do you sleep with your sisters and mother?"

"Because I sleep better that way," she said with a roll of her eyes. The question didn't even catch her off guard. It wasn't an issue. They all slept better when they were together. When they were apart someone was always waking the other up with nightmares.

"Have you tried sleeping alone?"

"Yes," Quinn glared. "My sisters need me so … yeah."

"What happens when you sleep alone?"

Quinn looked down at the ground.

"Quinn?"

"I get scared," she whispered.

"Of what?"

"Everything," she said after a pause. "Are we done?"

"Quinn, I think that you and I both know that you have a lot to work on." Gretchen's voice was gentle. "I want you to think about goals that you want to work on with me. I have a few that -"

"I don't want to work on anything with you," she interrupted. "I don't need to. You're not listening to me. Focus on Santana and Rachel."

"I will, but I'm also going to focus on you," Gretchen said.

"What do I have to work on?"

"For one, learning to be on your own without being scared. I want to know those things you're scared of so that you're not scared of them anymore. Falling asleep at night without those whispers of memories in your head haunting you. You shouldn't have distractions to sleep-"

"I'm done here," Quinn said standing up.

"That's fine," Gretchen offered. "Think about what we talked about, Quinn."

"Whatever," she muttered with a sigh. As she stepped out of the room, her thoughts churned. Would she need to be at her family's side for the rest of her life in order to get a good night sleep? She exhaled. Her books never really gave her guidance about how to let go once you found people good enough to hold on to.

"Quinn?"

"What?" The girl stopped outside of the door.

"Don't forget about that journal you have. Use it to ask those questions you're hesitant to say out loud. Perhaps, if you let me, I can answer them next time." She paused for a moment. "I know that you told me that you were pretending to sleep and I believe you but i really would like us to work on integrating you back into the world you've spent so long selectively escaping."

"I told you that I don't want your help," Quinn said as she started to walk away, knowing honestly that she would eventually use the journal, but she wasn't going to admit it now.

….

Shelby lost count for how long she sat in silence. She wasn't sure where to begin so instead she sat there trying to figure out how to start.

"Shelby?" Patrick asked.

"I dont know where to begin." When in doubt, always state the obvious, Joey's lifetime motto had said.

"Well, you can tell me what happened that caused you to make an appointment today," Patrick encouraged.

"My youngest, Rachel, showed me a video of a concert I did around the time….. when we were still in New York….when I was going to leave for London," Shelby said. "It brought up some stuff for me."

Patrick waited patiently for Shelby to begin.

"... I … left him…" she said thoughtfully as she remembered that time in her life. "But … he left me long before emotionally, I mean." She gave a sheepish smile to herself. "I had always been a realist. I had always lived so honestly… except for my relationship with Leroy." She wrung out her hands as she sat back in her chair. "I just….." She gave a slow, single shrug. "I wasn't ready to give him up."

"When did you?"

"I haven't really…. I have never told anyone this. Not the details of it, I mean," Shelby stated with a sigh. "How I left him."

Patrick nodded. "Do you want to tell me some of them now?"

"I don't know," she muttered. "I sang for the first time today in-I don't even know how long."

"How did it feel?"

"It hurt," Shelby replied without hesitation. "Santana said something about it ruining things and in a lot of ways it did. I went to London to do the role I originated on Broadway… But realistically, I was taking a break from life and from my failed marriage. I poured myself into that role because of that need to escape."

"What happened wasn't your fault," Patrick told her gently.

It didn't matter how honestly he said it, Shelby never believed him. She shook her head pushing away the words.

"When I heard myself singing today, it was like the pain of that time in my life came back." Shelby explained the video that Rachel showed her. "That concert was …. I was so raw in my performances that night because that was the night that I found out…about the affair." Shelby shook her head and chuckled to herself. "It's so …. cliche and I hate that so much. I hated it so much in that moment." She clenched her fists at her stomach. "It burned for so long inside of me that it didn't go away until I was told that he was dead. … And then it just felt like all my organs had been ripped out of me." She felt her eyes sting with tears. "And… then everything happened with my children and I …. I haven't really felt human since."

"What have you felt like?"

Shelby shrugged. "Mom-zilla,"she said dryly. Patrick gave her a pointed look. "It felt like a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. I haven't figured out how to wake up for the last ten years." She scoffed to herself. "I never thought I would be this person. Ten years later and still angry and pathetic."

"Shelby," Patrick said gently.

"Don't," she whispered.

He nodded and moved on. "You talked about hating something in that moment. What did you hate?"

"I hated that I had been so committed and so …. willing to sacrifice my integrity for the sake of a lie that I let myself believe that things were still okay between us…. That they always would be okay." Shelby glanced out the window for a moment. "I knew," she bit her lip. "…. I had known for years that he didn't love me like that or see me like a lover, but I was…." Shelby shook her head and wiped her eyes. "I feel like such a fool."

"Why?"

"I can't move on. Even then I was scared to be without him." She shook her head at the memory. "But when I walked in on him that late morning, I was still devastated. It was like he was breaking my heart all over again and I had forgotten that he already had just by not loving me back."

"Shel," Leroy started.

"Don't," Shelby said putting her hands up. "Just don't."

She walked briskly down the hallway away from him. She could hear him hushing the man that was in their bed. She winced, what was her bed. She heard his large feet jog down the hallway. She couldn't find the energy in her to get past her sadness to move forward away from him as he moved toward her.

"Shelby, stop, please," Leroy said as he rounded the corner wrapping his robe tightly around him. He paused when he saw her standing there.

She shook her head and moved down the hallway to the kitchen. Feeling him next to her made her feel ache more deeply.

"Why?" she asked as she felt her ears feel the pressure of this moment suffocated her. She turned to him sharply "I …. I believed in us for so long and I was so stupid."

"Shelby, please stop," Leroy tried to steer her back to him.

She pushed him away. "Did you ever care?"

"Of course I did," he said in a way that was so sympathetic Shelby wanted to slap him. "I still do."

"Don't patronize me!" she snapped. Thankful that the children were still at school. She put her hand on her chest to try to catch her breath. "I love you with all that I am. You are my best friend and you can never just…. just…"

"What?" Leroy asked.

"Love me back!" she screamed.

"Of course, I love you back," he said fiercely. He deflated. "It just was never enough. Do you know what it's like to feel empty….but feel so incredibly grateful and loved all at once?"

Shelby let out a sob. "I don't know what I could have done."

"Shel," Leroy began taking a step toward her, only to have her back away. "You will always be my best friend, but I …. I feel like every day is a lie. Like my skin isn't right and the person that I am is a character. I learned to escape into my music but when… but when the music stops and it's just me…. it's just cardboard. You keep me afloat, Shelby. Our kids … make me feel like I've done something…something right…. but I …. I …" He hit is hand on his check. "Me… I have never felt right …. I …. I have never been me." He chewed his lip trying to figure out the best words that would hurt the least. "Being with him makes me feel something I've never felt."

Shelby shook her head. "Don't! Don't!"

"I never wanted to hurt you."

"Too late," she whispered. She grabbed her coat and didn't look back.

"I knew he didn't love me like that anymore, but it still felt like he was…." She trailed off and shook her head. "I threw myself into that concert for two straight nights. It was back to back shows. I just stayed in my dressing room. I ignored his calls and messages. And then he showed up at my dressing room where he knew I couldn't escape." She laughed at the memory of his face at her doorway. "He was so sorry, but at the same time I remember how … how much lighter he looked. Like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. I realized at that moment that I was that weight."

"Shelby, how do you think he would react if he were here with you?"

She sighed. "He would be in jail," she said simply.

Patrick looked at her surprised. "Why?"

"Because he would have killed Hiram with his bare hands," she said calmly. She chuckled. "He was never really a violent man either."

"I don't think he would have," Patrick said. "I think he would have seen how much his family needed him."

Shelby remained silent for a moment, picking at her cuticles. "He would have loved Quinn."

"You think you would have moved to Ohio?"

Shelby shrugged. "I think so." She smirked again. "He would have caught that something was up with Quinn years ago."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because he would have," she replied leaving no room for argument. "Quinn was meant to be in our lives and he would have made it happen."

Shelby remained silent for another few beats.

"Shelby," Patrick began slowly. She looked up at him. "Did Leroy see who Hiram was?"

Shelby's first instinct was to go on the defensive. She paused remembering how she voiced that she didn't like Hiram. The children had said that they didn't like him. It wasn't until that phone call that had been recorded on by the 911 operator that Leroy had finally seen. … and then he died.

"Not until it was too late," she admitted.

"Do you blame him?"

"What's the point of being angry with the dead? They can't feel it."

"Is the point of them feeling it?"

Shelby shook her head. "As mad as I was with him, I have been more furious with myself."

"You understand the importance of letting that go right?"

"How? I thought that I wasn't mad at him anymore that I wasn't….. I didn't feel betrayed and then I sang that song and …. it's all coming back to me…. and as a result I've had that damn Celine Dion song in my head the whole way here." She let the smile of her own humor fade away. "Just make me stop feeling this way please."

"I think you're making a lot of progress yourself," he said. "Go back to basics, Shelby. When was the last time any of you did anything?"

Shelby's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?"

"You've talked to me about what you're thinking and the family. And what the therapists think, but what have you and the kids been doing?"

"We have a lot of appointments," Shelby said immediately. "I have four children with …. needs."

"I understand that but when was the last time that you did something fun?"

"...My children are… are trying to heal. They aren't sure if they want to go out and do something fun. The last time we tried I think was in Florida and alls that happen was Rachel wouldn't come with us and Quinn ended up in a fight with her cousin." She sighed. "I dont even know where to start. I feel like I am always grounding them and yet I know that they need to get out more - I need him behind bars for good and I need to get moving forward. I just feel stuck and full myself and I didn't realize how much until now"

"What about a movie?"

"My children don't like the movies," Shelby said.

"Shelby, you need to get out more. You all do."

She sighed and looked at her watch. "I will work on that."

"Shelby, you missed his funeral didn't you?"

Shelby stopped and looked at him with a frown. "What?" She shook her head. "I was stuck in the airport… and then… And then everything happened."

"Maybe it's time to finally say goodbye."

She looked back at him for a moment and leaned back in the chair. "I think it is," she whispered.

….

The night was quiet and morning arrived all too quickly. Before long, it was mid afternoon. The house seemed more quiet than usual. Shelby sighed. She knew that she had to have this conversation but she wasn't sure if she was ready for it. She conceded and knocked gently on the door.

"Hi," she said attempting to conceal her distress.

Rachel looked up at her from her book. "San and Quinn are watching TV on the iPad. They told me I couldn't watch with them." She huffed.

Shelby sighed, knowing what they were most likely watching "And you're listening to them?"

Rachel nodded. "Quinn gave me the scary look."

Shelby smiled with a nod. "Ahh, scary Quinn is certainly scary."

Rachel nodded. "Where did you go yesterday?"

"To talk to Patrick," she sighed as she folded her arms and sat down next to her youngest daughter.

"Are you upset?" Rachel chewed her lip for a moment as she set down her book next to her.

Shelby moved her head back and forth. "Yes and no."

Rachel bowed her head. "Did I make you upset because of…. because of what I showed you?"

Shelby wrapped her arm around her. "It made me a little sad but more than that it made really happy."

"Tenebrous feelings or …. ambiguous feelings… or… abstruse?"

Shelby let out a laugh. "You are going to ace those tests you have coming up."

Rachel looked up at her expectantly. "So…what kind of feelings?"

"Kind of all of those. It brought back a lot, but that's normal sometimes. It's okay to feel a lot at once. It helps to process it."

"... What did you need to process?"

"All that I lost," Shelby said quietly. "And all that I forced out of my life because of those loses."

"Oh…." Rachel mumbled. She pulled away and looked at her mother. "You changed out of your jeans and tshirt."

"I did," Shelby said smoothing out her slacks.

"Why?"

"Rachel, I need to talk to you about something."

"...Is it about what you're doing this afternoon?" Shelby looked at her surprised, prompting her to go on. "Noah's showering. And he's taking longer than a minute. He only did that before court last time too."

Shelby nodded knowingly. "Your brother is able to dress up on occasion."

Rachel tilted her head and looked down at her hands. "I think … I think I don't want to be there," she whispered. She bit her lip. "But I'm scared that I will wish I that I had been there when I'm older."

The mother took a deep breath. "I understand that. And we can't predict what this can do for you."

"I'm scared to see him," she whispered. "I want to be brave, but I can't."

"You are though," Shelby said pulling her close again.

She swallowed. "I'm not."

"Not what?" a new voice asked.

They looked up. Quinn was leaning against the door. "Santana is helping Noah with his tie." She turned to the younger girl. "Rach, are you going to stay here with me?"

Rachel rolled her eyes weakly. "Where would I go?"

Quinn shrugged honestly. "I don't know." She gave a sigh.

"San, stop!" Noah scolded from down the hallway. "You can do my tie, not my hair."

"Guys, knock it off," Shelby scolded. She calmed and looked back at the girls. "It's okay that you don't want to come. It's over in a lot of ways, but …. I want you to know it's okay to talk about it and it's okay to still feel scared about it."

"We don't want to talk about it," Quinn said quickly.

Rachel looked at Quinn and then back at her mother. "Yeah." She chewed her lip. "Well, before we don't talk about it, can I ask a question?"

Quinn rolled her eyes and looked at their mother for an answer.

"Go on," Shelby said trying to contain her smirk.

"What's the sentence? How long?"

"That's what they're going to find out, bug," Quinn said with an eye roll.

"Oh," she said. "But what are the options?"

"Long time or very long time," Quinn replied quickly.

Shelby smiled. "Yes, he was found guilty, Rach. So he will be serving a minimum of twenty years."

She watched the girls take in the information, knowing both of them were trying to imagine their realities in twenty years.

"I don't want to be there," Rachel said.

"You don't have to be," Quinn told her. She looked at her mother briefly and then looked away again. "I don't want to go either."

"Will you be gone a long time?" Rachel asked.

Shelby shrugged. "It's hard to tell, but we'll be back in time for dinner."

Another awkward silence settled on them again.

"What are you going to do while I'm gone?"

"What can we do?" Quinn scoffed.

"Well," Shelby said with a heavy sigh. "You can go out if you wish."

"What?" the girls asked in surprise.

"You're not grounded."

"Technically, I haven't been for awhile," Rachel said. "But… I still thought we couldn't leave."

Quinn frowned. "Since when….." She trailed off. "Not like I would want to go anywhere…"

"Well, you can if you wish. I think it would be good for you girls to get out. You can invite someone over. Any friends…"

"We don't have any friends," Rachel said.

Quinn tilted her head about to protest, but remained quiet.

"You have friends," Shelby smiled to herself. "Rach, you have Kurt. Quinn, you have Britts…..but if you want to stay in, why not rent a movie?...Or watch something on tv. Something appropriate," she said eyeing, Quinn. "Or maybe have Joey take you bowling."

"I hate bowling," Quinn said.

"Me too, especially, without the bumpers," Rachel said. "And you have to wear other people's shoes."

"Okay," Shelby said with an eye roll. "How about the book store?"

Both of the girls instantly perked up.

"Really?" Quinn asked trying to contain her excitement subtly.

"Really," Shelby said, barely recognizing the excitement on her children's faces. It had been so long since she had seen it. "Joey will take you."

"I'll what?" Joey asked as she stopped in the hallway.

"Take us to Barnes and Noble," Rachel breathed with a smile.

"Perfect," she grinned. "I need me some coffee."

"What are you talking about?" Santana asked leaning against the door frame. She was dressed in a simple pencil skirt and cardigan.

"You look different," Quinn said more to herself than Santana with an frown. She wasn't used to so seeing Santana look like a person.

"You look nice," Rachel said.

"How about me?" Noah asked as he pulled on his jacket.

"You look really different," Quinn said with an even deeper frown. "Why do you have to dress up?"

"Because normally we look like thugs," Noah said.

"You don't," Shelby said with an eye roll. "We should go."

"Yes, coffee," Joey said.

"You can go too, but we should go," Shelby said as she stood up.

"Where are you going?" Santana asked.

"The bookstore," Rachel smiled.

"Oh," she nodded. "Be careful."

"Do you want anything?"

Santana shook her head. "I'm good." Rachel looked up at Santana for a second and then looked down at her hands. "What?"

"Um…." she said as she chewed her lip. "Thanks…"

"For what?" Santana asked as she looked down at her.

"For going today…"

Santana leaned down and kissed her on her forehead. "Don't thank me."

"Let's go, guys," Shelby said guiding them down the hallway.

Rachel pulled on Santana's arm as the rest of the family went down the stairs. Santana looked down at her expectantly.

"You don't have to go," Rachel whispered.

Santana sighed and leaned down to be at Rachel's level. "I want to."

"But why?"

"Because," Santana said standing up and tucking a stray piece of Rachel's hair behind her ears. "I want to see him."

"Why?"

"Because I need to," Santana said.

"Do I?"

"No," Santana replied quickly.

"Why not?"

Santana sighed again and sat down on the top step and pulled Rachel down next to her. "Rachel, I want to go."

"I want to come with you," Rachel said.

"Because you want to be there or because you want to keep me company?"

Rachel chewed her lip. "I'm not sure."

"Go to the bookstore and have Aunt Joey buy me something good," she winked.

"You're not upset that I'm not going with you?"

"No," she said quietly. "It's important to know when to say you don't want to do something, Rach."

She gave a gentle nod and looked at her hands.

"You ready?" Shelby asked from the bottom of the stairs.

Santana looked up and nodded.

….

Rachel ran her hand down the row of books.

"What are you doing?" Quinn asked with a frown a few feet away as she looked up from a book jacket that she was reading.

Rachel shrugged.

Quinn frowned. "You can go over to another section if you want to…."

She shook her head. "No, I'm good."

Quinn rolled her eyes. "What's your problem?"

Rachel shook her head. "I don't have one."

Quinn rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to the books. She realized that she didn't have most of her books that she coveted most from her childhood. Out of all of the things that she wanted from there she had forgotten her books. Maybe it was because in those moments she didn't want to think about that time in her life.

"What are you going to get?"

Quinn gave a small sigh. She had forgotten her clingy sidekick.

"I don't know yet," she replied after a moment. "You might find books that you're more interested over there."

"You want me to leave you alone huh?"

Quinn rolled eyes knowing how overwhelmed Rachel was but how hard she was trying to conceal it. "You can hang out with me, but you and I both know that the books you want to read aren't in this section."

Rachel sighed. Quinn was right.

"And you know that Joey isn't going to be getting coffee forever," Quinn added.

"She's distracted by celebrity gossip," Rachel said with a roll of her eyes. She looked behind her at the books before her. Quinn's taste was similar to hers but Rachel liked reading classics. It was if they had secrets that she needed to uncover. She also liked reading books about history. Biographies, specifically. Quinn loved stories. Rachel had this strange fantasy with people's realities. She never attempted to explain it before, but Quinn knew her unique liking to the genre. It was a reminder that the world is less scary. Rachel always needed that.

She chewed her bottom lip and looked over at the section she wanted to read.

"I'll be right here," Quinn said quietly as she didn't look up from her magazine.

Rachel nodded and walked stealthily over to the section. She looked over her shoulder as she turned the corner and Quinn disappeared from her line of sight. She ran her fingers along the shelf carefully. She wasn't looking for a particular person she was just looking for something, someone else's life to connect her with the world. Her eyes shifted to the shelf next to her that was titled "Celebrity Biographies."

She frowned at the small section that focused on stars like Bernadette Peters and Kristin Chenoweth and then she stopped.

She frowned. She knew the person on the book cover but not how she should. She reached up on her tip toes and pulled the book down from the shelf.

"Falling Up: Loving Leroy Corcoran by Hiram Irving," Rachel whispered to herself. She turned the book over and looked at the jacket. The book had a ten year anniversary seal on it. She glanced down at one of the more recent reviews.

"Irving offers a unique perspective and insight that hasn't been seen before. This answers many questions quietly. For then first time writer, Irving is able to successfully catch a reader."

Rachel sighed. She hadn't known that he had been a writer. She opened the cover and looked at the jacket. Hiram's face stared back at her. That wasn't how she remembered him. The middle of the book had inserts of different textures. She opened to them. She grinned, pictures. There was a picture of Shelby with a swollen belly with Leroy and a younger Santana and Noah.

"The family before I met Leroy," the caption said.

"What did you find?" Quinn asked coming up behind her. Before Rachel could conceal the book, Quinn grabbed it out of her hands. She was prepared to make fun of the tiny girl but her face fell slightly. "Rach…."

"What?" Rachel almost whined as she reached up and tried to take the book back. Quinn scoffed and continued to hold the book higher. "Give it back."

"No," she said pushing Rachel lightly away from her. "Why do you want to read this?"

"Because," Rachel said. Quinn rolled her eyes and flipped the book over to read the back. "I don't know anything….." She looked at her hands and wrung out her fingers before looking up after a few seconds. "No one ever talks about it… About him…. There are pictures in there that I've never seen in there!..." She gave a soft shrug. "How else will I find out?"

Quinn tried to school her face. She wasn't going to give in that quickly.

"Go ask for money," she said dryly.

"You're getting it for me?" She lit up.

Quinn arched her brow. "I didn't say that." She frowned. "You shouldn't be reading it. You know you shouldn't be."

"I don't know anything about my dad, Quinn" Rachel whined.

"Don't whine," Quinn scolded.

"Santana never talks about him and Noah won't really either." She sighed. "And I'm afraid to ask Mom about him because she gets so sad when I do ask." She looked at her pleadingly. "Please, Quinn. Please!"

Quinn looked at her for a few moments. She knew that Rachel's words were right, but she knew that Santana would kill her. She shrugged internally, perhaps that was a benefit rather than a con.

"Go ask Joey for money. Tell her that we need enough for both of our books. I'm buying one too," she said as she flipped through the pages.

"Is that a yes?" Rachel asked with an excite clap.

"No," Quinn said. "Go get money."

Rachel smiled knowing the answer. "Okay, be right back! Don't move! I don't want to lose you."

Quinn watched her skip off without a care. She thumbed to the back of the book. It was released almost eleven years ago. It was before everything happened. No one had ever talked about the book before, but they didn't really discuss anything.

Rachel practically knocked her over when she stopped in front of her with a wad of cash. Quinn beamed quietly, knowing that Rachel hadn't even noticed the steps she was taking.

"I'm going to keep it in my room," Quinn said. She watched Rachel's face fall slightly. "We'll read it together okay?"

"Why?" she asked.

"Because there's no need for you to do it alone," she said simply. "Plus I'm curious too."

Rachel nodded. "We can't tell San, right?"

Quinn arched her brow. "What do you think?"

She nodded. "What do you think they're hearing right now?"

"What do you mean?"

"At the courthouse," Rachel said quietly.

Quinn shrugged and looked at her hands. "I don't know…. And I don't really care."

Rachel looked up at her quietly. "Why not?"

"I just don't, Rach," Quinn said with a sigh.

"You don't feel anything at all?" Rachel asked after a few moments.

"I don't know, Rach," Quinn said with a sigh.

"Don't be mad," she mumbled.

"I'm not," the blonde replied trying to suddenly be interested in a biography about Hillary Clinton. "We don't have to talk about everything all the time, Rach."

"But we don't," she muttered. "We never do."

Quinn threw Hillary back on the shelf and turned to the younger girl. "What do you want me to say, Rach?"

"I want you to tell me the truth," she said straightening her posture.

"About what?"

"Everything," she said simply.

"Why?" Quinn asked heavily.

"So that I better understand it all," Rachel replied carefully.

She sighed as she searched the girl's eyes. "I feel as if you have a lot of gaps that need to be filled and the thing is Rach, I don't. It's all there. I remember all of it…. And sometimes, I just need to pretend that that's not my life sometimes."

"You pretend that everything's fine?"

Quinn shrugged. "I guess so."

"Why?"

"Sometimes I can only take reality in small doses because it's just too much," she said to her hands.

"Should I do that too?" Rachel asked honestly. "Does it make things better?"

Quinn looked at her for a moment wondering how her answer would shape the girl's future. She was always wondering what the girl would remember. Rachel was one of those kids that dissected everything you said.

She licked her lips nervously and chewed her bottom lip. "Listen, Rach," she said carefully. "Shit happens."

"I know that," she said quickly. "And don't swear."

"Just listen for a sec," Quinn said. "I'm trying to say something." She exhaled heavily.

"Say it," Rachel encouraged.

Quinn put her hand over the young girl's mouth. "You're killing me here," she said seriously but smiled after a second. She lowered her hand. "Rachel, life is innately hard and you and I ….. You've been through a lot and I….. Our lives aren't normal. Maybe we never will be. Sometimes though the only way you can get to the other side is pretend. Some people are brave and face things head on and others can only be brave by taking it all in small doses. It's almost as if you take it all at once you….." She trailed off.

"You drown," Rachel finished. "But …. Trying to forget it really isn't good either, Quinn, because look at San. I dont want you getting angry and mad all the time"

Quinn nodded. "Yeah." She smirked. "You think I'm like her?"

Rachel shrugged. "Maybe not as explosive but explosive enough." She chewed her lip again. "I can't think about what's happening there because I'm scared."

"It's okay to be scared," Quinn said. She sighed. "I'm scared all of the time."

"You are?"

"We will get through this, Rach," she whispered. "I promise."

"I don't want to look back in another eight years and wishing I had information that I could get but didn't," Rachel said with a sigh.

"Rachel, you're not old and we'll find you the answers you're looking for," Quinn assured.

"It'll just take time," Rachel nodded.

Quinn agreed. "It'll just take time." She ran her hand over Rachel's hair. "Rachel, we can get caught in what happened or we can move forward. I think we can move forward. We just have to try. Name five things we can do to move forward."

"What do you mean?"

"Just stuff…" Quinn said as she searched for her words. "Just stuff that doesn't make us keep…. being stuck, I guess."

"Um….. we can leave the house more," Rachel said casually.

Quinn scoffed. "What a novel idea."

"I just have become so comfortable there. I enjoy the house," Rachel said.

"I know you do," She said with a roll of her eyes.

"You should do something…." Rachel said trying her best not to sound rude, but unsure how to go about it. "Like other than being a hermit."

"Excuse you?" she chuckled.

"I just mean…. when I used to watch San's practices you were always talking with the other girls or even the boys on the football team and …. you were the Head Bitch In Charge…. and now you're….. you're not."

Quinn pretended to look offended but also let Rachel's words sink in. She was playing a part before. She frowned. She had no idea who she was or who she wanted to be. Before she just survived. Maybe Rachel was right. She should invest more effort into being who she wanted to be.

"I dont know what I want to be," she said honestly. "I haven't had a chance to figure it out. And …. I'm kinda scared about what I'll find out."

"Well, maybe that's why you have to let yourself do it," Rachel shrugged.

"Well, aren't you full of advice," Quinn said with a roll of her eyes.

"I'm serious," she murmured. She stared down at the book cover with her father's picture on it.

"Well," Quinn began. "I might try take up art again or something."

"You don't want to go back to Cheerios?"

Quinn frowned as she collapsed into one of the comfy chairs. She didn't even want to back to school at all. She could only shrug. "I need a change."

"You already have a tattoo," Rachel said sitting on the arm of the chair. "What are you going to do now? Dye your hair pink?"

Quinn arched her brow. "Not a bad idea."

"I'm kidding," Rachel said dryly.

"I'm just going to say this once, Rach," Quinn said. The younger girl prepared herself for some lecture or another about being okay with dyed hair. "I know that a lot has happened but I think you should try to go back to doing the things you used to love. I know that…. he made you not feel safe doing them but…. I just think you should try again."

Rachel's face changed for a moment. She stared down at her hands and caught a glimpse of her father staring back at her. She half shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe," she mumbled.

"Jesus, what are you girls doing?" Joey asked with her hands on her hips. "Rach came and asked me for money forever ago and you're resting on your way to the check out?"

"Yeah, so?" Quinn shrugged. "What's the hurry? Other than you're bored."

"Hey now," Joey said. "Watch it." She pointed at the pile of books. "You know this is a bookstore where you buy the books not read them in the store."

"Then why do they have a coffeeshop, WiFi, and comfy chairs? I feel like they're putting off mixed signals," Rachel pointed out.

"Come on, smarty pants," Joey said. "Do you still want that shake?" Rachel nodded rapidly. Joey turned back to Quinn. "You got this, Q?"

"Pretty sure I can check out a few books," the blonde scoffeed.

"Really? You sure? Pretty sure you have stolen cars and managed to get yourself a tattoo," Joey jeered. She saw Quinn deflate slightly. Maybe it was too soon. "I'm kidding. Go check out the books. Do I need to make sure they're appropriate?" Quinn gave her a look of death. Joey held her hands up defensively. "Okay! Okay! Go check out and maybe if you're lucky, I'll get you a Frappachino."

"I don't wa-"

"Too bad, you're getting one," Joey said with a smile as she led Rachel to the coffee shop.

Quinn stood quietly in line and looked down at the pile of books. Alice In Wonderland, Falling Up: Loving Leroy Corcoran-She scoffed and almost shuddered as she basked in the most likely unintentional parallels between Shel Silverstein's Falling Up and the reality that was Leroy Corcoran's legacy. She frowned at the other book that Rachel had grabbed. Gene Kelly: A Life of Dance and Dreams. And finally the last book she had grabbed, Gone Girl. That wasn't going to be an easy ready but she had heard it was good. It didn't matter if it was scary. She slept with an eleven year old that kicked and her sixteen year old sister who hogged the bed and attached onto them like a sloth.

"Next," the checkout lady called and Quinn walked forward.

…..

Santana swallowed as she looked around the courtroom. She wasn't sure what she expected but she knew that this wasn't it.

"You okay?" Shelby asked as she patted Santana's leg.

The girl looked up and gave a stiff nod. "Yeah…"

Noah licked his lips. "It's kinda hot in here," he muttered as he wiped his sweaty hands on his pants.

In his head, Noah believe that he hadn't been as affected by the man as his sisters, but in that moment all he could remember was having his hands around his neck and a knife digging into his skin. He had pushed that out of his mind until that moment but in that moment as he sat on the wooden bench of the courtroom, that was all he was thinking about.

"You're sure he's going away, Ma?" he asked.

Shelby nodded. "Yes, bud. We're just not sure for how long."

"Oh," he nodded. "He needs to go away so they don't have to worry about him at all."

Santana frowned and looked at him. "Them? I'm sitting right here."

Noah shook his head. "You know what I mean."

Santana rolled her eyes. "I really don't," she mumbled as she looked around her.

She felt so uncomfortable and it wasn't just her pencil skirt. She exhaled deeply. She needed to see him. She told herself that it was just for Rachel and Quinn, but it wasn't. She was brave enough to admit it to herself. She hadn't been able to see Hiram but Will was responsible for more of her ….. She wasn't even sure what to call it. She remember that she told what's-her-face she was put together with tape and glue. Santana knew that she hadn't always been like this, or at least as obvious as it felt now. That was Will and … .in some ways Quinn's father. It was not the men of her past but the men of her present. She bit her lip, she was lying. It was Hiram… and it was her father's early death and …. She shook her head. It was all of it. She needed closure with someone and Will seemed to be her only option.

"Santana?"

"What?" she snapped.

"I've been trying to get your attention," Noah said sheepishly.

Santana cast her eyes downward. "What?"

"I was just…. apologizing," Noah mumbled.

Santana arched her brow and glanced over at her mother who was nodding encouragingly.

"Whatever," Santana shrugged. She wasn't gazing off into space because she was upset. She wasn't sure what to expect or what to feel.

The next few moments seemed to happen in slow moment and all too fast. Santana couldn't really understand how it could be both at once, but that was how it felt. She seemed to watch in a fog as they stood for the judge. Her jaw dropped open slightly ajar as she watched as Will was lead in. He caught her eye and gave her slight wink. She leaned instinctively into her mother, who wrapped her arm around her. She felt her mother lead her to sit down.

"Do you have anything to say, Mr. Schuester?" the judge asked after she took a moment to glance at the paperwork in front of her. She took off her glasses and glanced at the man.

"Your honor, I am very sorry for what these girls think happened to them, but I did not do anything but be nice to them and befriend them. Because of who they are and what happened to them in the past they mistook my kind jesters and-" Will began.

The judge held up her hand. "I'm going to stop you there. You have already been found guilty, Mr. Schuester. I am not asking you to try to begin your appeal. I'm asking if you have thing you want to say that will perhaps influence your sentencing, but I see that you have yet to accept that you've done anything wrong."

"I haven't, your honor," he said quickly.

She shook her head. "You have been convicted with a sexually violent predator specification, then the sentences would be served consecutively. With all of the girls that testified against you and you were found guilty by the jury…"

Santana couldn't really concentrate on all of the words of the judge. All she could think about was what this man had put her sisters through and the other girls she knew. All she could think about was how many times the girls sobbed and screamed and no one was there to help them. She remembered that she had been outside waving her stupid pom poms when their worlds were crumbling.

The gavel banged bringing her back into reality. As soon as he was there, Will was being led out.

"What… What happened?" she asked shaking her head in confusion.

"It's over," Noah said as he stood up.

"What?" Santana asked as she looked frantically at her mother. "What do you mean that it's over?"

"He was sentenced for thirty three years and he's not eligible for parole until after he serves his first twenty," Shelby said gently.

Santana shook her head. "I dont know what kind of justice I'm looking for," she mumbled. She shook her head. "This is …. this isn't what I expected." She looked at her mother and brother and then back down at her hands. "I don't feel any different."

Noah looked as his mother with a frown. "What do you mean? We knew what was going to happen today…."

"No," Santana said as she tried to fight the tears that were coming to her eyes. "No… I didn't .I didn't know because I thought… I thought," she put her and do her chest to try to calm down. "I thought that I would feel better. I thought that this would be over." She looked at her mother. "What's going on? Am I going…Am I going to feel this way forever?" She wiped her eyes vigorously with the back of her hand.

Santana chewed her lip and pushed herself to standing, cursing her pencil skirt as she walked ahead into the hallway. She couldn't shake this feeling of disappointment. It felt that so much had built up to this moment. Where was her relief? So much had happened and built and then it just seemed to fizzle ut because she couldn't concentrate on a short sentencing.

"Santana?"

She stared at the floor as she felt her vision blur again. Her gaze snapped up at her mother. "I want to talk to Gretchen. And I want to talk to her now!" she said almost too aggressively.

She didn't even know if she liked the woman but she knew that no one would be able to provide her answers that Santana would take seriously except for that woman. Santana wasn't sure how her mother did it. She honestly never knew how her mother did anything, but she always did. An hour later she was sitting across from Gretchen. She couldn't figure out why she was so caught in her head, but she was. She stuck, again.

"Hi, Santana," Gretchen said.

"I never thought I would be one to ask to see you," she whispered. "So…. thanks…. for showing up."

"What happened today?"

Santana frowned trying to put it into words.

"Nothing," she said quietly. "I need you to explain it to me."

"Explain why nothing happened?" Gretchen asked.

Santana nodded. "This was the one thing." She hit the palms of her hands on her thighs. "The one thing that I could look forward to that had an end. And …. and I felt nothing." she looked up at the woman. "Why is that?"

"What were you expecting?"

Santana swallowed visibly as she thought for a second. "... To feel better like… things were closed and finished."

Gretchen nodded in understanding. "Why do you feel that you needed that?"

Santana blinked for a bit. "Because …. Well, it's the first time I've really had that…. At least for something big like this."

"What do you mean?"

"Everything else has just happened…." Santana folded her arms and leaned back in her seat. "And I was either too late or …. something else had happened. I don't know." She shook her head. "It's hard to explain."

"I believe you made a lot more steps today than you realized," Gretchen offered. "One of which was coming to see me." She arched her brow. "Willingly. Santana, you're reaching out for help in a way that you never did before. I expect that a few months ago you would have tried to suffocate those feelings on your own. You're actively looking for answers and more importantly openly requesting help."

Santana shrugged. "Why do I feel this way?"

"What way?"

"That everything is so unfinished," she said.

"Because it is," Gretchen offered. "What's the one thing that you feel that you can never get back?"

"Why?" she asked skeptically.

"Because we're going to attempt to get that back for you," Gretchen said leaning forward with her elbows on her knees. "If you'll let me help you."

Santana looked at her, searching her eyes for trickery in the name of psychology. She would test her. "My dad's funeral," she said with strength at first but then felt her eyes water at the reality of her statement. She looked away. "I … I never said goodbye. I just…. I missed all of it."

"Then let's say goodbye," Grethen offered.

"What?" Santana frowned. "You're kidding. I can't fly to New York."

"You don't have to physically be there to say goodbye," she said.

"But that's the point that I wasn't there before," she said with a groan.

"I thought the point was that you weren't able to say goodbye?" she challenged. "Listen, there are several ways to say goodbye, Santana. And you don't have to stop saying goodbye. I lost someone close to be once. I wasn't able to be there for the service and but I took a moment on the day when they put my friend in the ground and I just…. mourned. And now every year on that day I take a moment and remember her. I think about her often more than just that day, but …. There's something about finding a sacred space, within your community and within yourself to celebrate that person and say goodbye."

"...Oh," Santana said after a few moments. "My dad's buried on a hill...I did go there once before we moved to Ohio but…. I didn't know what to do…. You know?"

"Well, then let's talk about it," Gretchen offered.

"Why?" Santana snapped more harshly than she intended. "I mean what do you think it would help?"

"What do you think it would hurt?"

"My family doesn't want to do this," she said.

"How do you know?" Gretchen said. "And also, they don't have to. It can be something you can do on your own."

Santana frowned. She realized that she wanted them there. She just wasn't sure how to ask.

"Let's talk this out, Santana," Gretchen offered.

The girl frowned skeptically. "How do you know this will help?"

"How do you know it won't?" Gretchen asked.

"... Fine," she whispered.

….

Rachel lay on her stomach in her room kicking her feet back and forth as she pressed play again on the iPad. At one point she hated that her siblings were always on it, but now she was grateful that they were out doing something else. Noah was grateful to be out and about again, but after an hour of hanging out with the guys at the local burger joint, Noah just brought them back to the house and were playing street hockey on roller blades out back. Santana had been meeting with their mother in the study. Quinn was not being subtle at all in eavesdropping so they just invited her in.

She kept watching and rewatching her parents' perform. From the book, Quinn bought her she had discovered that her parents met on a Broadway Show, a revival of a chorus line. She hadn't realized that her father was a dancer as well as musician. He has acted as a consultant for choreography and music. There were videos posted of her father and mother during rehearsals.

A message popped up on the side of the screen. "Hey, you," it said.

Rachel frowned and clicked on the message. "Brittany Pierce." It was labeled.

"Hi." Rachel replied.

"How R U?"

"Fine," Rachel wrote shaking her head at Brittany's message. Why couldn't she just type it out.

"R U mad?" Brittany asked

"No…" Rachel typed.

"Waz w. the '...'"

"Brittany, 'waz' is not a word," Rachel typed.

"Rachel?" the message asked after a pause.

"What?" Rachel asked out loud as she sent the iMessage.

"Why are you on, Santana's iMessage?"

Rachel shrugged unconsciously. "Because she left it on," she answered.

Brittany didn't respond for a few minutes and then an invitation for video chat popped up on Rachel's screen. BRittany was calling. Rachel accepted it with a curious frown.

"Hello?" she asked. Rachel say her face appear first. Rachel smiled further when Brittany's face popped up.

"Rachel," she said with a sigh and a smile. "San is going to be upset that you're logged on. Has anyone else messaged you?"

Rachel shrugged. "I don't know. I dont think so."

"What are you up to? Where's the family?"

The girl shrugged again. "They're in a meeting. Well…. Noah is outside playing street hockey and San and Quinn are in a meeting." She lit up with a thought. "You should come play with me! I want to show you something."

A smile graced Brittany's face. "I'm glad you're feeling better, Rach."

"I wasn't sick," Rachel frowned. "I was just….. I was stuck in my head. But I want you to come over. I dont know if I showed you what Noah made for me. I want to do things today….. It's a new day…. New Beginnings!"

"Yeah?" Brittany asked as her face echoed that she was thinking something else.

"What's wrong?" Rachel asked, trying to shake her own feelings that were exploding at the seams in all directions. She was riding the wave of the emotional rollercoaster of this day.

"What? Nothing…." Brittany said forcing a smile.

"You're making a face," Rachel pointed out.

"I just haven't seen Santana in a long time," Brittany said quietly.

"Well, maybe she'll want to see you," Rachel said quickly. "Unless you're fighting. Are you?"

Brittany paused. She wasn't even sure. "Tell me about what you want to show me."

"My brother made me a studio and I want you to see it," she said. "Not much to say." Brittany nodded and opened her mouth to say something. "Well! I do want you to teach me that dance that the older girls did last year…. the one from A Chorus Line."

Brittany's mouth opened slightly in shock. "...Really?"

Rachel nodded vigorously. "I can change and you can change and can you come over? … Now?"

Brittany chuckled. "I'll have to tell my parents…. but-"

"Santana won't mind," Rachel said quickly. "You're coming over as my friend."

Brittany rolled her eyes. She knew that this was a lot bigger than either of them could put into words. Rachel was asking to dance again. Santana would want that even if she wasn't her favorite person at the moment. She shook her head because she wasn't even sure why they were at odds. However, Santana has specifically told her not to contact her or come to the house. Brittany reconsidered, but that was also when Rachel wasn't speaking. So much has changed. Brittany took a deep breath. Maybe Santana had too.

"Okay," Brittany said. "Give me twenty minutes."

Rachel smiled. "Okay."

Rachel was downstairs and waiting at the front door. She didn't want Brittany to ring the doorbell and attract attention.

"Rach?" she looked over her shoulder to see her aunt pulling her coat on. "I have to run back to my house and grab Charlie. Do you want to come?"

"No, thank you," Rachel said politied.

"Okay, I texted your mother. Make sure to remind her though, okay?" The girl nodded. She paused looking at her. "are you going down to the basement? Did you change?" Rachel just nodded. "You sure you don't want to come with me?"

"I'm okay," Rachel said.

"Alright," Joey said with a frown. "But call me if you need anything."

"I will," she replied and was soon waving to the woman as she backed down the driveway around the hockey playing boys.

She returned her attention back to the window. She didn't have to wait long before she saw Brittany walking from down the street and she gave a little skip as she snuck quietly out the door. Before she could reach her, the older blonde has stopped and talked to the boys.

"What are you doing here?" Noah asked pulling off his helmet.

"Rach invited me," she said with a shrug as she nodded in Sam an Mike's direction. "What's up, guys?"

"Wanna play some hockey, B?" Sam asked.

She shook her head. "Thanks, but Rachel and I have a date."

"Doing what?" Noah asked as he took a drink of water and glancing down at Rachel who was hovering slightly behind Brittany.

Rachel shrugged and just took Brittany's hand. "Come on," she said.

Noah nodded in their direction with a curious shrug. Rachel took her hand and led Brittany down to the basement. Brittany's eyes widened in awe. "Whoa, Rach! This is awesome!"

"Noah did it," she said with quiet gratitude and pride. "Isn't it great?"

Brittany nodded. It's pretty great. She gave Rachel a wink. "I didn't think it would come out this well?"

She tipped her head. "What?"

"He asked me to help him. He didn't want me to see them though, but I drew out plans and suggestions with him," BRittany said.

"Oh…." Rachel mumbled. "So you already knew…"

Brittany nodded. "I did…. and I also know that it was finished a while ago." She looked down at the girl. "So, why did you call me over today?"

Rachel chewed her lip. "... Um….. I received a new book today….. you can't tell Santana, though." She reached out her pinky. "You have to pinky swear before I continue." Brittany conceded. Once that swearing of pinkies was finished, Rachel continued. "I …. It's called Falling Up… which ironically serves as parallels whether purposeful or not to Shel Silverstein's poem…. but anyway…. My daddy was a musician but he was also a dancer. Did you know that?"

Brittany tamed her chuckle. "I didn't know that but I had heard that."

"Well, my mumma and him met during a revival of A Chorus Line and…. well…. I've been watching videos of old performances and I ….. I remember that … that you and the other older girls taught a dance based off of one of the key dances…. but …..um…." She chewed her lip again.

Brittany lowered her eyes to the girl's level. "Take your time, Rach."

Rachel gave a shrug. "I …. um…." She looked around the room and then back at Brittany. "I want to but… I'm nervous but I …. I don't want to do it with anyone but you….. Dance I mean… so…. will you? Dance with me?"

Brittany smiled wide. She started to speak but then paused.

"Well, I think," Rachel interrupted Brittany's thought process. "I … I don't know a lot about my dad, but I just… Can you teach me this? Or can you show me?... You're the only person besides Quinn who doesn't treat me differently… but I don't think she knows the dance…. but I…. I haven't done this in a really long time and I …. I miss it but I … it hurts too… but I …. I dont want to try it and then fail…. with them, you know?... I mean I don't want to fail with you either I just….. Can we do dance together? Can you make it so I don't feel scared anymore about this? I want to feel about this before….before everything happened."

Brittany leaned down and took Rachel's hand. "Listen to me," she smiled. "Everything aside, including my absolute adoration of you, you are one of the most gifted performers and technically sound dancers I know, but you shouldn't be for everyone besides you. So today we'll play around with this dance but I will follow your lead. And you need to listen to you. So when you're ready to stop, you tell me, okay?"

Rachel paused and searched Brittany's eyes for any lies or falseness. She gave a curt nodded. "Okay."

….

Quinn frowned as she let the words soak in.

"Do you have something to ask, Quinn?" Gretchen asked.

The blond's head shot up. "No….."

"Your face says otherwise," Gretchen said.

Quinn looked over at Santana. "I ….. You know I will stand by you for whatever you need but…." She shook her head. "Nevermind."

"No, go on, Q-bear," Shelby encouraged.

Quinn gave a single shrug and picked at her cuticles. "I just…. After today…. today when he….. you want… I mean … you need to do this?"

"When would be a better time?" Gretchen asked.

Quinn shrugged again. She locked eyes with Santana. "You know I'll be there for you, but I just don't see how this will help you with …. the man you put away today."

Santana sighed. "I didn't do anything today. That's the point. He …. he mattered to me, but at the same time he didn't. He didn't … make any difference in my unresolved life."

"Quinn, are you searching for a type of closure?" Gretchen asked.

She narrowed her eyes defensively. "I was eavesdropping on San's session. I do not know how this became our session," she spat. She sighed and looked at Santana again. "Let's just focus on you, okay?"

"Well, we can make this your session too. Please, share your feelings with the group" Santana offered but her voice was more mocking than realistic. Shelby gave her a look. Santana continued more seriously. "You don't have to do this with me."

"I want to," Quinn replied. "You stood by me. So I will stand by you as you pollute the environment."

Santana frowned. "Thanks, Rach," she mocked.

Gretchen looked at Shelby for an explanation. "Just let them banter. It's what they do," the mother offered. "Do you want to invite Rach and Noah?"

Santana shrugged. "I didn't even know if I was going to ask Quinn, but she butted in, per usual," she muttered the end of the statement with an eyeroll.

"Hey, now," Quinn replied. "It's not like you don't butt into every conversation that involves me! pretty sure you acted like you had a medical degree at one point."

"I do," Santana replied immediately. "It's honorary from Grey's Anatomy, Criminal Minds and Dexter. Someone has to take care of your scrawny ass."

"What kind of degree is that? General surgeon with a side of behavioral analysis and blood spatter?" Quinn argued.

"Okay, enough," Shelby said putting her hands up.

"I think I owe it to them to ask," Santana said after a moment. She shrugged as she tried to tame her feelings of feeling silly. She didn't want to come off as being an after school special. "I'll ask them." She looked at Gretchen. "Are we done? Do you have to be a part of that?"

"If you want me to," Santana shrugged. "You can hang around…."

Santana moved out of the study, trying to find her words with every step. She felt as if her request would be a lot to ask. She stopped mid step as music met her ears.

"What's that?"

Santana didn't realize that her mother was almost sure of what it was. Instead, she turned toward the noise and walked quietly down the stairs. A familiar voice met her ears.

"Chaines step, pas de bourree. Turn turn, walk and walk," the voice said in a rhythm. "Good job! Rach, make sure you're changing your spot on time for your double turn."

Brittany continued to count as she subtly mirrored Rachel's moments. Santana watched as Rachel moved across the floor as she did the combination.

"Better!" Brittany clapped in triumph. "See, Rach? The turn is easier if you spot! Good job! Again!"

Santana slowly moved down the stairs. She paused, baffled by the sight before her. Brittany demonstrated another move. She clapped her hands as Rachel moved across the floor.

A creak on the stairs, caused both girls to look up.

"Santana!" Rachel smirked as she put her hands on her hips as she caught her breath. "Brittany's teaching me a new dance."

Santana gave a slow nod. "Yeah…. I see that…" She locked eyes with Brittany and felt her breath catch in her throat. She nodded rapidly as if she were agreeing to something. "Um…How long have you guys been working on this?"

Rachel shrugged. "Long time? I don't know," she said. "Are you finished with what you're talking about?" Santana could only nod. "Well…. wanna see my dance?"

Santana gave a weak smile and nodded again. "Sure."

Rachel danced as Brittany helped her keep time. Santana smiled. It almost as if she hasn't stopped. Santana didn't notice any faults in her movements. Despite the exhaustion and the turmoil her body and mind had been through, the eleven year old was able to make it almost seem effortless. It was as if her body was able to mold to the music with a tranquil balance of aggressive skill and cultivated passion.

When she finished, a half sob and half sigh of relief echoed throughout the finished basement. They turned and Shelby was at making her way down the basement steps with a look of relief .

"That was beautiful," she smiled, pulling Rachel into a hug.

"Thanks," Rachel said breathlessly. She put her hands on her hips. "We have a lot to work on though. I'm a quarter of a beat late on some of the turns.

"You are doing fantastically, especially since it's been so long." Brittany beamed though her smile faded slightly when her eyes met Santana's again.

"It hasn't been that long," Rachel said quickly, but her smile faded slightly. "Oh… maybe it has…."

"It looks to be that you're making a big step," Gretchen said from next to Quinn who stood at the top of the stairs.

"Thanks," Rachel mumbled. She hadn't thought about the significance of it as much as she thought about doing it.

"You said, you've been dancing for an hour?" Shelby asked. Rachel nodded putting her hands back on her hips as her breath caught up with her. 'I think that's enough for today, but perhaps you can work on your routine tomorrow. You and Quinn just left the hospital. We don't want you to push yourselves too hard."

"Darn, I was thinking about running my daily marathon in a hot second," Quinn retorted. "You ruined it for us all."

"You're especially snarky today," Shelby said with a chuckle and a roll of her eyes, leading Rachel up. "Come on upstairs, girls."

Quinn sighed and made her way up the stairs and glanced over her shoulder at Brittany and Santana who were still looking at each other. "Stop glaring at each other and come upstairs."

"We're not glaring," Santana muttered as she went up the stairs and disappeared into the kitchen.

Brittany almost frantically grabbed at her things. "I should go," she mumbled.

Quinn tilted her head to the side. "You know how Santana is, B," she encouraged.

Brittany just shook her head. "I should go." She hurried up the stairs and stopped at the top. "I'm really proud of Rachel …. Can you tell her I had to head out?"

Quinn offered a quick shrug. "Sure, but you should tell her."

Brittany just shook her head and headed out of the room hurriedly. "Thank you! See you!" she said hurriedly, exchanging a quick look with Santana before heading out the door.

Rachel watched after her in surprise. She waved half heartedly after her. "Bye, Britt! Thank you for coming!" She turned back to Santana and glanced between her and Gretchen.

Noah had walked in the door as he wiped his sweat off of his brow. Sam and Mike had gone home. There appeared to be an elephant in the room.

"What are we doing?" Rachel asked.

Gretchen and Shelby looked to Santana, who shifted from one foot to another.

"I … I … I want to do something…." Santana began.

"Okay," Noah shrugged as he threw a handful of cereal in his mouth. "I'm in."

Santana sighed nervously and gave a scoff. "You didn't even hear what I had to say."

He shrugged. "Doesn't matter. I'm in."

Santana glanced over at Quinn, her eyes caught Brittany making her way down the driveway from the kitchen window.

"We want to have a ceremony," Quinn began.

"You're doing it too?" Rachel asked.

Quinn nodded. "Sometimes….. sometimes we don't get a chance to say goodbye when we need to and …. we're going to do it now."

"To who?" Rachel asked.

"Dad," Santana mumbled. She straightened. "I know this might seem like this is out of no where… but…. I've never…. I haven't been able to say goodbye, and I need to and I would…. like to… and I'm just saying that you're welcome to … to say goodbye with me."

Rachel frowned and looked at her sister. "How?"

"There are a few things that we can do," Gretchen said gently. "You can write something. You can perform something. Santana, do you want to talk about what you're doing?"

Santana half rolled her eyes. "It was Gretchen's idea… she did it with another client…..I'm going to say something real quickly and … attach a longer message to a balloon and let it go…"

Rachel opened her mouth and Quinn reached out and put her hand over her mouth. Rachel glared up at her blonde sister. "I want to too…. minus the balloon."

Santana rolled her eyes but gave a weak nod. She glanced over at Noah who gave her a pensive nod. "Of course, we'll do it with you."

"I'm going to work on it right now," Rachel said as the group broke up. She reached the top of the stairs when she felt someone reguide her toward Quinn's room. She looked up curiously at her sister. "Where are we going?"

"Hush, hush," Quinn said as they went in. Once the door was shut she turned to her. "So…..What was up with that this afternoon?"

"What?"

"You invited Britt over…"

"She's my friend…." Rachel said not getting it.

Quinn sighed realizing that the complexities of Santana and Brittany's relationship had not been shared with her.

"Rach, you shouldn't have done that." Once she said it she regretted it as Rachel's face fell. "I mean…. you … it's complicated. You're amazing dancer and I was so proud to see you dancing."

"Thanks," she muttered. "Why is it so complicated/"

"They broke up," she blurted out.

"...What?" she muttered in surprise. "Why?"

"Don't tell her that I told you," Quinn said… "It's complicated… Rach."

"Can't you just explain it to me?" She frowned. "No one ever tells me anything."

"No," she bit quickly. She shook her head. "Rach… I just…"

"Well, tell me why you're mad at me," Rachel demanded.

Quinn was immediately regretting this confrontation. She didn't know what she wanted out of it. In all honesty, she knew that Rachel wasn't trying to hurt Santana she just did. She saw the hurt on both of their faces. They were the only people that knew how to love each other… they were her only example, and she tried so hard to covet their feelings. However, she didn't know how to explain that to the eleven year old.

Rachel frowned. "I made a big step today," she affirmed herself. "And….. and I didn't know about Brittany and Santana but…. I've read my father loved to dance… and I … today so much has happened and I just…. how was I supposed to know."

Quinn sighed. Rachel had a point. "I know…. you didn't know. I'm sorry."

"Why are you acting like this?" Rachel asked searching Quinn's eyes.

Quinn shook her eyes. "Just forget it, Rach…. just… keep doing well."

Rachel frowned and looked at her with a tilt of her head. "You always tuck your emotions so deep down inside you. Like they're a coveted bone," Rachel pointed out.

"Are you calling me a dog?" Quinn scoffed.

"You and San both do that. It's like it's a secret that you don't want to share."

Quinn scoffed with a grin. "Your emotions drag you around like a toddler with her baby blanket." She arched her brow. "You're the blanket in this metaphor by the way."

Rachel frowned and folded her arms. "No…."

"Rach, don't be mad but you experience what you feel so…. boldly but also so … I don't know…. from the inside out."

"Well, you don't feel things at all," Rachel bit.

Quinn rolled her eyes. "Don't I know it," she whispered to herself.

"I didn't mean that," Rachel said. "I'm sorry."

"Whatever," Quinn said, barely phased. "I want you to keep dancing, okay? Keep hanging out with Britt, just tell me when you're bringing her over okay? Then you and I can work together so that Santana doesn't feel…. caught off guard."

Rachel folded her arms. "I dont understand. So much happened today….. he...he went away and I ….. I didn't even know if I could dance like that anymore. and you just…. you're raining on my parade!"

Quinn scoffed. "Rach, I … I am proud of you for what you did today. I just reacted too strongly."

Rachel frowned skeptically. "I don't understand what your problem is… I never do."

She slid out of the room, more confused than when she first went in.

…

Santana looked down at the list as she pushed the grocery cart with her elbows.

"I'm surprised that she let us do this," Quinn muttered as she looked over Santana's shoulder.

"Well, she gave us a time frame and specific instructions on what to get," Santana said. "I just wanted to come and get the balloon I wanted," she mumbled.

Quinn rolled her eyes. "Well, I wanted to get away for a bit," she said quietly as she pulled some pasta from the shelf.

"Only because Rachel was huffing at you for the afternoon. What did you do?"

Quinn shook her head. "Nevermind."

Santana rolled her eyes. "You'll tell me eventually. You always do."

She shook her head as they continued down the aisle, idly collecting items on the list.

"Do you feel any different?" Quinn asked as she pulled several different boxes of cereal down.

"No," Santana mumbled. "That's the problem." She looked at her. "I'm ready to move on….but I guess I'm the only one that really can make that step…."

"I guess so," she replied.

"Hey!" a warm voice said behind them.

The two turned to see a couple of their former teammates, Sophia and Kelly.

"Hi," Quinn said sheepishly.

"Come here!" Sophia said as she wrapped the two girls in a hug and Kelly followed.

"How are you? When are you coming back to school?" Kelly asked.

Sophia poked her in the ribs. Quinn couldn't hear what she whispered other than the word, "trial."

"We miss you," Sophia stated. "We have states coming up soon."

"I was in the car accident," Quinn spit out awkwardly. The girls looked at her patiently. "So … Yeah… I can't do that for awhile."

Kelly laughed. "You can just say, 'I don't want to hang out with you.' Our feelings won't be hurt."

Quinn shrugged. "Well, I don't have a spleen sooo…."

"We have been very anti social for a long time," Santana said stepping in front of Quinn. "Don't mind her. What are you doing here?"

"The girls are coming over because we're getting ready for the AP exam in calc. Clearly, we need snacks," Sophia explained.

"In all seriousness, we really do miss you two," Kelly said, Sophia nodding. "I dont know where you are in your lives… and …. even if you're coming back but…. hang out with us some time."

"We weren't just friends because we cheered," Sophia said.

"Weren't we?" Santana asked.

"We enjoyed both of you, even when you were fighting with each other,"Sophia laughed.

"But seriously, are you coming back?" Kelly asked. "Quinn, I need your glowing personality." She laughed. "And for your help with AP Calc and San, we need you to keep everyone in line."

Santana gave her sister a side glance. "We have your numbers. We can call you."

"Really, because you've haven't replied to any of our texts or emails," Sophia said with a quirk of her brow. "We were even reaching out, Quinn, when your mom passed to come and see you and we didn't get anything."

"Well… um…. My phone doesn't work anymore," Quinn muttered.

"You've become terrible at lying," Kelly smirked. She shrugged. "Listen, call us when you're ready to hang out. We'll be here."

The girls watched as their peers disappeared around the corner. Quinn was the first to sneak a glance at her sister first. "What just happened?"

Santana shook her head. "I don't know…" She chewed her lip still watching in her direction. "I do miss this… just… just not enough to … reach out and that makes me feel like shit."

Quinn shrugged. "I guess."

Santana turned to her in surprise. "You don't miss anyone?"

Quinn shook her head. "I don't really need anyone else…" She started to walk ahead and grab cookies off of the shelf. She was pretty sure they weren't on the list but she didn't care. She could hear Santana's steps quicken to catch up with her. "I dont want to talk about my feelings. I feel like if this was college I've majored in that!"

Santana put her hands up. "I'm not in the mood for scary Quinn," she mumbled. She grabbed the list and the cart and walked ahead. "Talk to me when you're ready to stop being a whiner."

Quinn frowned and watched her sister walk ahead. She sighed and and swallowed in defeat. She chewed her lip as she jogged to catch up with her.

"I'm sorry," she muttered.

"I know you too well for you to lie to me," Santana said. "If you don't want to hang out with them, fine. Don't. You let me in and you let Rachel in and you're a better person than you give yourself credit for."

"They were my old friends. I'm not the same person anymore," she muttered.

"Well, who's to say that they won't like the new you." Santana said. "Just try okay?"

"Try what?"

"Try giving yourself the benefit of the doubt."

Santana reached across and pulled down a simple helium balloon . Quinn paused and watching Santana carefully examine the balloon.

"What if I don't feel any different after I do this?" she asked quietly.

"I think you already are," Quinn mumbled.

…

All of them stood at the top of the hill that overlooked the tiny town of Lima. On the spring day, it was supposed to be cold, but for some strange twist of fate, it was a beautiful calm and almost warm.

Gretchen looked at Santana with a soft nod. "Santana, why don't you tell everyone why we're here."

Santana took a deep breath and stepped forward. She wrapped the string of her balloon tightly around her fingers. She glanced at the people in front of her, slackening the grip her teeth had on her lip.

"I um…. I want to …. I want to thank you all for coming," she began. She looked at her sisters, mother, and brother. She nodded at her aunt and uncle. "I….um….. When Gretchen told me about this I … I thought that it would be dumb. I … I didn't know how I was going to …. feel something from this." She looked at her family for a moment before glancing back down at her hands. "My father was buried in New York and I .. I wasn't there. So .. Um…. today… we're having our own ceremony. …."

Santana nodded over at Rachel who was holding a piece of paper.

"Rach, wants to say something …." Santana sighed. "I um…. I wrote something out… Words… have never been my strong suit but...After Rachel is finished, we are going to attach it on and we're going to let it go."

Rachel nodded and took her place next to her big sister. She cleared her throat as she opened her letter.

"Dear Dad," she began. "I didn't know you. I don't remember what you sounded like or how you made Noah and Santana laugh. I don't remember any of that."

Quinn noticed Santana start to tear up slightly and took a step forward taking her sister's free hand. The girl looked at her with a shake of her head as if she didn't need to. Quinn's eyes looked back at her echoing her words from before, "You stood by me," she had said. Santana squeezed her hand back.

"But, my family loved you a great deal. Santana and Noah miss you every moment of everyday and I know that pieces of you are within their every action and thought. I wish that I knew you. I wish I knew what you sounded like and if would like the same things I do." She looked up at Santana who gave up trying to wipe her tears. "My sister has always wished that she should say goodbye to you and I've always wanted to say hello. So, I promise that I will try my best to help my sister say hello again to you to. Mom and Noah, too." She glanced over at her mother. "I hope you're happy where you are and you feel how much we miss you and you are loved." She gave a final sigh. "With great big love, your daughter, Rachel Barbra Corcoran."

Santana leaned down and kissed Rachel softly on the forehead, whispering silent thanks.

She looked at her note that was attached to the balloon. "I want to….. I … The words that I wrote," she said tearfully. "Don't begin to express how much that I feel. I …. I know that…. that I have to let it go and I …. I appreciate you're all here to see it happen but I …. I don't know if I can do this…." She looked at her mother. She wasn't ready to let it go.

Noah stepped forward and took his sister's other side. He pulled her close. "You're not letting him all go, San. He's always here. He's here everytime you let yourself laugh and every time you …. you do anything." He felt tears prickle his own eyes as he let San's weight fall into him.

Quinn supporting her and wiping away her tears. Shelby knelt in front of the kids pulling Rachel to her.

"No," Santana said tearfully. "I know he's gone … and I know…. he's not … he's never coming back but I …. I already lost so many pieces a long time ago and if I …" she looked down at the balloon. "I'm not ready to lose more."

"You won't," Shelby said cupping Santana's face. "We won't. There are so many pieces of him that we've kept hiding deep in our hearts because we were too afraid to celebrate him. Let him go, San. Let go so we can re-embrace him."

Santana looked at her mother tearfully. She looked at the now crumpled piece of paper still attached to the end of the balloon.

Shelby pulled her close. "I am so proud and I know with all my being that he is so proud. You can take this step, San. Like Rachel, said, we're not saying goodbye. We're saying hello, but we need to let that piece of him go."

"I can't," she whispered.

She felt a small hand on her hers. She looked over at Rachel. "We can do this."

Rachel held her gaze and she looked up at the sky. "It's a perfectly clear day."

Santana squeezed her eyes shut, trying to tame the sting of her tears. "I will always hold you close no matter how far you are from me," he used to tell her when they would go to their mother's.

Santana took a breath but it came out more as a weakened sob. She lifted her arm, opened her fist, and let go.

I know it's been forever. It's been 5 months and 14 days. Too long. I know. I'm sorry for that. I am unsure if this met your expectations that this long wait cultivated. Thank you for sticking by this story. We're drawing to the end of Open Wounds but we're not quite there yet.

Thank you again!