Housestuck: The Split
Chapter 3: Buttstory (it's a Backstory Joke)
Beginning AN:
Disclaimer: The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert teenagers and one badass clothing monster thing. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!
"Okay." Said Nepeta. "Backstory time. It happened when we were in kindergarten together, and we had a field trip to the Troll Empress's clothing factory."
(Flashback but it's long so I won't do it in italics because that might hurt your eyes or look boring or be like "WHEN IS THE NORMAL TEXT COMING BACK?!")
So anyway we see young Nepeta and Aibur going together on a class field trip over towards a huge factory of clothing being made. Nepeta in the present narrated:
Then something bad happened...
Then suddenly something horrible, which was that these cloth-tentacles came out of nowhere, happened! And they grew mouths and ate everyone there, including the teacher, but upon Nepeta they sniffed weirdly and left.
(Oh, okay, I guess that's the end of the flashback. I was expecting something longer)
"And then she was dead..." Nepeta said. "Aibur and I were childhood friends."
(Oh wait, no! There's the part about smart Nepeta! How Smart Nepeta was made!)
I went and tried to learn as much as I could about bringing people back. So I went out of my way to accel in school. Also, I had no idea why the things spared me until a few years ago where I finally figured something BIG out...
We see Nepeta reading books in school. It's like a montage, each year older. Except each year she was in a different environment: skipping grades and shit. She was in college in like... when most people were in middle school? And was done with that early and doing some advanced projects.
I wantd to get the attention of the time-traveling Spratans.
So she was standing by a table thing, now just 16 (two years ago), with an apartatus known as the 'Time Energy Maker' or something. It was generating some temporal energy for time travel.
"Meh." Said Doc Scratch who walked right past it.
But then Jenkins, a Spartan cop (see: Hecksing: The Dawn) walked over to it an examined it.
"Hrm you have our support." She said.
(Present. Also, that was th "story." ...Where's the "butt?" Heh.)
"...Also, I found out that I can't die. Exactly."
"What do you mean?" Gamzee asked.
"Well, there's soemthing from another multiverse that is a code keeping me alive until The Simpsons ends 'in real life.' Or maybe it was until some 'Omega Clock' expires, one or the other. I can't remember."
"So what is this 'Sage' thing I'm unfamiliar with that." Said Alucard.
"CAN I BE A SAGE? :)" Asked the Captain.
"No, you're not a Sage." Nepeta replied looking at Captain seriously. "But anyway, Alucard, you are. Now, there are these temples in Canada."
"We're surrounded right now." Said Integra. "The Prism Crew, an organization of evil no matter how much friends yoru 'Aibur' was, is very powerful. We needa backup way out."
"Say, do we still have the portal rock thing?" Nepeta asked.
"Um, I have it now..." Rose said. I honestly can't remember the original owner but if it's not Rose, let's just say Rose stole it.
"Let's use that to try getting away from the Prism Crew right now..."
So then Rose shot one portal by the feet of everyone, and shot another one far out the window. The blue portal - the one shot by their feet - revealed a nice park area. So the group went out.
It turned out to be in Chicago, by the treehouse! Or... where the Treehouse was in the loop timeline.
But in the Split Timeline, it was taken over and was a horrible fortress by the Prism Crew!
"Really..." Integra said. "I don't believe another one of those is good for that timeline that you are from. You have to mercy kill her."
"No! Aibur's nice!" Nepeta protested. "I mean... this is close! As close as I can get to having her back! She probably..."
"A lot can happen between Kindergarten and adulthood, believe me." Said Integra. "Anyway, do you even have a way of getting to Canada? Becides that rock thing?"
"OH, I DO!" Cheered Captain. "YOU CAN ALL JUMP ON MY BACK AND I CAN FLY YOU!"
But then the Captain's shouting alerted the Prism Crew of the Rainbow Crew and Hecksing's presense!
"Hello I am going to introduce even more members, because I am an increasingly growing asshole like that." Said Aibur. "Anyway, one of the new catgirls in this Prism Crew group is a species with a lot of good hearing? Then again, don't do cats have good hearing anyway?"
There were even more of them! Last chapter had, like, twelve? This is thirty!
"Oh, shoot. We should go. Captain, uh..." said Nepeta.
Then the Captain, nodding, turned in to a GIANT wolf form and everyone hopped on his back and he flew off.
"Wha... what in the world hell is this?" Asked Seras. Oh, right! This is in London, like Harry Potter! So if they said 'blood,' it would double as a London joke and a vampire joke!
Anyway they were off, but of course Aibur was following them and grinning evilly.
"So who's the other Sages I really want to know. :D" Said Alucard.
"Kamina as I said." Said Nepeta. "And we need to gather these Sages, by the way. Rose Quartz who lives in the Delmarva Penisula somewhere is another one. There's Hank Hill, Sage of Forest. Brenda Supernude, Sage of Fire. And Sheldon Cooper, Sage of Water. Do you know any of those names?"
"Hank, obviously, he has his own show. And I fought Rose Quartz in the past."
"Okay."
"NEPETA ARE YOU AND AIBUR RELATED?!" Asked the Captain. "Um, no offense your butts are the same sizes."
This is where the name 'Butt' in the chapter title comes in! At least, now so far.
"It's, uh... no, it was just how I was born. It's dense, that's what. Alos, because of it, it's my one weakness..."
Everyone leaned in because Nepeta seemed OP:
"I can't swim."
Oh that's disappointing that's just the Green Hortnet Kato's guy's weakness.
"HEY SPEAKING OF GREEN HORNET," Said the Captain ."I WANNA PUT ON A SONG."
It was the Shadow Death Valley thing.
"Okay, anyway, let's go get the Sages!" Nepeta cheered.
Oh yes and there is a question raised. So how come Aibur wasn't killed in the same field trip in this timeline? It's a mystery. But tune in next time!
Closing AN:
I'm pretty sure that the next three chapters - in other words, the second half of the first half (yes, and 'yes' is all I have to say on the matter), will be a bit longer. Especially compared to this.
I probably should have merged the Bill Cipher story thing that Chapter 7 of Journals of Wisdom, Power, and Courage promised in here since this is short and I feel like I've gotta do that for the first half anyway. But meh. The stuff about Canada and the temples would probably be a more exciting place to put that in. I mean, it might just be two chapters, but I've spent a week on just "We need to run away from Aibur." It's getting old.
Also, I find it amusing that Chapters 1 and 2 add up to exactly 4,444 words according to this site's counter. Oh well, time to get rid of that "words: 4,444..."