Housestuck: The Split
Chapter 4: Finally! To Canada!
Beginning AN:
Disclaimer: The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert teenagers and one badass... giant one-eyed thing with two huge hands that plays the bongos, or whatever. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!
"Oh, bloody hell." Said Integra. "I did NOT want to get dragged in to this! Captain, anyway, how far unil we make it to Canada?!"
"UM WE'RE KINDA CLOSING IN I THINK, THE BORDER IS CLOSE."
"Wait a fuck! Canada is huge! It's a country! And a big one like Russia, not a small one like Hawaii! How do you even know where in Canada we will end up?" Asked Integra.
"GPS." Said Nepeta.
"Do you even have one?!" Asked Integra.
"Yes, I came prepared."
She hid it in her hair. Remember, the Rainbow Crew have all kinds of outfits, and Nepeta's is naked.
"TURN RIGHT AND THEN FOR A HUNDRED MORE MILES YOU'LL BE AT THE LIGHT TEMPLE."
But then ther was laiughing!" "MWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA" it sounded like that.
Aibur! She had this big golden spaceship thing! With the leo sign! And now she had, uh... let's just say 128 Prism Crew members now! (Wait, hold on, isn't that a mirror with the Rainbow Crew? Uh... eight humans and twenty-four trolls make 32. First generation is 32 more, so 64. And the counterparts duplicate them... 128. Huh, so it was only at like 96 for the loop timeline if you counted the first generation which I wouldn't? Anyway, there are more Prisms than even that just wait and see.)
"OKAY, NOW YOU WILL FIND OUT THAT MY SHIP, THE GLORIOUS LEO-TRON, WILL HAVE LASERS THAT WILL LASER YOU!"
"I'm getting sickf of fighting her mate!" Said Jake. "Nepeta, isn't there a quick way to throw her off?"
Shrugging, Nepeta took out a ball of yarn - also in her hair (remember Gideon in Gravity Falls can do things like that so why not Nepeta? I know they're not the same person but still).
"I have no idea if this will work, but..."
She threw it to the left side.
"Ooh!" Said Aibur. "Yarn!"
And then her ship, the Leo-Tron, flew off after it.
"TURN LEFT." Said the GPF.
And so they did and crashed in to some glowing holy temple thing. Captain in particular hit his head and had that pink bump thingy you see in cartoons.
"You have reached your destination." The GPS finished.
"GPS Lady is hot, I wanna fuck her." Said Jake. Oh, silly Jake.
"Now, we only have one Sage with us..." Said Nepeta, pointing to Alucard. "But! We can invite them and stuff! Now, all we need is just a little bit of magic, and I can revive Aibur and pawsibbly do another something!"
And then Hank Hill zipped in, and he had Kamina in his hand.
"Hey uh, guys... pals, I guess." Said Hank Hill. "Did you know that in this timeline, there's something big and attacking us now called the... uh, the Not-Death Star? I have a ship crafted just for it, but you might need... Sage Vision."
"Hey, what the heck?!" Protested Kamina. "I just told these idiots about time travel! And you there, what are you doing?! I thought you were like some kind of weird guardian fairy that's actually half-troll or something since you're John and Nepeta's ectobiological son."
"Just our son." Said Nepeta. "No need to overcomplicate it with 'Ectobiological.'"
"I mean..." Said John, "He's not really my son, and..." he shuddered.
"I heard you needed this guy and we made a deal proper." Said Hank. That deal happened offscreen. "You specifically said he'd be the hardest to reach because of his time traveling. Now, where's my end?"
Sighing, Nepeta whipped out a phone and called a number.
Then Rose Quartz, Safe of Light, drove up in a limo. She also had some kind of electrical device thing that looked like a vacuum.
"YES!" Hank smiled. "A thing that can be used to convert propane in to pure propane! Oh mnan Nepeta, you are a genius!"
"Hey, we can do that." Said Kaitana. "In fact, I wish you didn't pretend we didn't exist."
"A lot of us can say that..." Dirk said, silently giving Nepeta a look.
"Anyway!" Said Nepeta. "Rose Quartz, you're the Sage of Light. Hank, the Sage of Forest. All I need is two more, and like in Chapter 24 of HHHC, I got their numbers and everything!"
Then the group heard screaming as a fast car began zooming around. It was some pink-haired anime chick with a uniform that had an exposed thong at all times, who was driving. The screamer was some nerdguy in a Flash T-shirt (because it's Friday..? Fuck, I forgot the timeline of this). This was Brenda from Perfect Hair Forever and Sheldon ffrom Big Bang.
"There! Perfect! The Six Sages, united at last!" Nepeta said. "Brenda, Sage of Fire, and Sheldon, Sage of Water!"
"THIS FU - I am highly sorry, but I do not swear in explicitves - CKING CRAZY ANIME CHICK KINAPPED ME AND DROVE ME OFF EVERYWHERE!" Said Sheldon Cooper, Sage of Water. Ironic because he can only swim on the floor. "Oh wait, nevermind, I know you. Hi Brenda. Yeah, she and her friend"
Brenda gave Sheldon a look. And not because she's only in eight episodes while Big bang Theory has like thirty seasons and it's ongoing I mean come on TV what the fuck, I want schoolgirl thong to be thirty seasons not "Look at me green lanter." No, it's because he called Gerald her friend.
"Oh, right." Sheldon corrected himself. "I meant to say was what, some guy hhe knew competed against Leonard and Penny."
"Wait." Nepeta got out a ton of papers. "I thought thwas Multiverse A."
"It was. I mean in another timeline. But yeah, we're pen pals."
"HOW OLLD IS SHE I WANT TO KNOW IF THINKING ABOUT HER ALONE WOULD MAKE THE COPS COME OR NOT." Asked Dave.
"Actually, she's 41. Legal." Said Sheldon Cooper. "In fact, her Multiverse A counterpart has a 20 year-old daughter."
"Anyway." Said Nepeta, "We should split up."
The exact teams that they split up in aren't too important, basically most of them went to Hank and I'll go over the ones that didn't. But it seemed like John was about to go to Hank as assigned but then something suspicious about Rose Quartz being the only one going in the Light Temple with Nepeta shadily following her, so he went in after them.
(Light Temple)
Rose went over and unlike the other temples which were like Ocarina of Time the Light Temple was just a simple church-like area. There was what looked like a stone slab that was yellow and had the OOT light symbol on it.
"So can I call the Crystal Gems for backup?" Asked Rose Auartz. "I mean, this place... I'm just by myself."
Nepeta slowly walked up towards her. Her eyes were shadowed so that was foreshadowing (with literal shadows!) that something shadowy was about to happen.
"Rose, please stand on that slab. It will do something to ensure maximum Sage power. Now, the Light Temple does not have a boss unlike the other temples, so..."
Once Rose stood there, Nepeta took a gun out of her pocket dimension thingy and fired. It was a special anti-Gem gun that shattered her Gem, and it even shot a magic field thingy that grounded it in to dust. Nepeta's eyes were visible, and they looked serious and dark.
John gasped.
"EVIL!" He shouted, jumping out of the shadows and pointing at her.
Nepeta just pointed two fingers at herself. "NO, MORALLY AMBIGUOUS!"
"EVIL!"
"MORALLY AMBIGUOUS!"
"EVIL!"
"MORALY AMBIGUOUS!"
Then Meulin broke in.
"STOP FIGHTING! BE FRIENDS!" She said.
Neither John nor Nepeta were impressed.
"Look," said Nepeta, "In order to stop some certain things, I need to have Sage Vision activated, and that requires the death of the Saages."
"Wait a minute!" John came to a revalation. John, revalation, it's like Bible symbolism. "That means Alucard will die! No! And on a Chapter 4 again, just like in - um nevermind that's a spoiler."
So he took off running.
(Shadow Temple)
Jade, Kanaya, Porrim, and Alucard were going through the Shadow Temple. Oh, actually, in my little "group system" I have in mind, Jane, Equius, and Horrus woul,d have also been with Rose Quartz normally, but Nepeta needed to be alone with her so that she could assassin without being seen (so now they're here, which is appropriate as it was the teamup of Kanaya and Equius that resulted in Alucard's Loop Timeline death). But John tagged along out of suspicious and Meulin... how did Meulin get there? A mystery. Anyway, they made it easily although Jade I think was scared she's the scared one right?
At the end was Bongo Bongo.
"THAT'S A STUPID FUCKING NAME FOR A MONSTER IN THE SCARY TEMPLE!" Shouted... that would be OOC for everyone in the scene. Alucard would be the closest fit since all-caps but even then he doesn't swear. Uh, it was Porrim, I guess. She was an idiot right? And plus we need more A1. They're awesome.
"UM, HI THERE." Said Alucard. "SOME TROLL TEEN TOLD US WE HAVE TO KILL YOU?!"
Bongo Bongo just said "Urgh, I don't like you... you're ANNOYING A BIT, RUINED MY SLEEP, AND I NEEDED TO FIND A CREEPY WELL TO HIDE IN SO I CAN EAT MY FUCKING SNACKS IN PEACE! ALSO, THAT GREEN TROLL OVER THERE WEARING SEE-THROUGH, DON'T YOU DARE MOCK THE GREAT NAME OF BONGO BONGO! YOU SEE, IT'S BECAUSE THIS ARENA IS A BONGO!"
He slammed a hand on it and that made everyone jump.
"Alucard!" Shouted Jade. "You're Alucard Badguy! You should be able to kill him! With your... you're powerful!"
"THIS STUPID GROUND HE KEEPS JUMPING US UP AND DOWN! d:" Alucard angry-faced. "I DON'T LIKE IT! IT MAKE SIT HARD TO FOCUS MY AIM TO SHOOT THINGS!"
"D:" Said Jde.
Then suddenly John burst in! He dropped down and was angry!
"ALUCARD, WAIT! NEPETA IS JUST LURING YOU IN TO A TRAP SO THAT SHE CAN KILL YOU!"
But then because Alucard was bouncing John accidentally pushed Alucard off the platform and in to a glowing super holy-knife thing Bongo Bongo started holding.
"HAHA!" He said. Bongo Bongo, not Alucard. "I WAS PREPARED! I AM A POWERFUL ELDRITCH HORRRO SO OF COURSE I'M BETTER AT WEAPONS THAN JUST SOME SHITTY VAMPIRES YOU FIGHT! THIS IS SOMETHING THAT CAN SPECIFICALLY KILL AN ALUCARD-TIER VAMPIRE!"
"Tier lists don't exist." Said Equiusa.
"Ack, crap." Said Alucard. "Well, I guess I'm somehow dead now. Good bye." And then he died.
John shook his head.
(Spirit Temple)
In the Spirit Temple, Kamina was walking with pride and having a good stride (pride stride? I don't know that sounds like some kind of Tumblr name or something). With him are... I don't know, I guess Tavros, Rufioh, and Jake. And uh... Dirk? Because Dirk was (I mean Bro sorry different characaters) a retroactive Kamina reference.
"OKAY EVERYONE!" Kamina said. "NOW WE'RE AT THE BOSS DOOR!"
He opened the boss door.
Now, the fire and ice witches are major just Zelda characters but Bongo Bongo, Morpha, and Volvagia are kind of more just genetic monsters. So uh, instead of them let's have another fire/ice boss but an OC to this. Um, they're dinosaurs, because I don't think there were ever Dinosaurs in Zelda games. But one's fire and one's ice.
"Rawr." Both of them said.
"DON'T WORRY I GOT THIS!" Shouted Kamina who charged forward.
Then he just got blasted by both fire and ice. Not to be confused with that Ralph Bashinki movie with the thong princess.
Wait, fuck, she was supposed to be 15 or something, right? Goddammit.
Anyway, Kamina wsas dead now.
Anyway let's wrpa up this chapter I really just want this fucking over with, especially since my waifu from the 1980s movie or whatever decade it is is techncialyl a trap for the police. Like you show 90% of her butt and- ANYWAY.
This was in a split screen because that's cool. Jade and Porrim both teamed up on Bongo Bongo - even though Bongo Bongo turned invisible, Jade just threw ice from the Dracula ice scroll (just like Equisus's light magic, and also John's fire magic as we'll see later). at him. On the split screen - get it, split like Housestuck: The Split, the split timeline - Dirk just lept up with a katana.
Porrim did some cool chainsaw combo thing while Rufioh finsihed off the two dinos with a wing-tornado thingy. They were dead.
"So John," Asked Jade blushing, "Why are you here?"
"BECAUSE NEPETA IS EVIL!"
Then, Nepeta slowly stepped out of the shadows (get it? Shadow temple?)
"Morally. Ambiguous." She said.
Then Aibur crashed in on her ship and was firing lasers at them. Oh shit! And she now had 360 members total. She grinned.
"Missed me, motherfuckers?!" She asked.
Meanwhile, in the Spirit Temple, Cortana and Yoko (the former from Halo, the latter from Gurren Lagann, it's like a reunion of the two women special in Master Chief/Kamina's life which is kind of cool since he fills both the roles in the story, technically three roles if you think he's like Nabooru because Sage of Spirit), walked in.
"OH SHIT KAMINA'S DEAD." Said Yoko.
Cortana looked at her. "You DO realized you were killed in the loop timeline around this year, and that we Spartans do not believe in using time travel to bring people bakc."
"What does that mean?" Asked Yoko.
Cortana holographically generated a gun and pointed it at Yoko.
Closing AN:
We're over halfway there boys! Now all we have to do is go up the-
What happened to the stairs?
As Escape From Fanservice Island's finale will explain, I for some reason now have a mild obsession with trying to cram that as a meme. But in all seriousness, Season 1 now has four out of its six chapters done, and with the temple-stuff in the story, it feels like it's finally moving along faster. Boy, it feels like I've spent an eternity working on this, even though I only started a few days before the end of 2017. Also, I have technically been working on this story all year, so...
I'm probably going to be a bit grumpy for the next two updates to this because I've put some of my other stories on hiatus for this, thinking that it would have taken a bit more effort to do this so that I wouldn't have any time for them. Well, I do. This hiatus might be the reason why I came up with the new plan for Ordinarily United (a Fictionpress story) in the first place, but still, right now I'd really like to get to that plan and my own self-rule is that it's going to be on hold until HTS is over.
I do have a poll on my profile for what you want me to get back to when I'm done with this, although I'm kind of "defaulting" to OU being one of the things no matter what. But I can "open another slot," as with Paper John: Sticker Star (currently the only one with a vote; and I was absolutely not expecting anyone to vote for that). If nobody else votes, then I guess PJSS and OU will be my next two picks. And maybe a third one, as well.
And yes, Journals of Wisdom, Power, and Courage mentioned that something spoiler-y involving Bill is supposed to be revealed in this story. I will promise right here that it will be in the first season here, so that you do not have to wait until TJOWPAC is already over, SJAHJ is over, and HTS is going on its second and final season to find out. I really just wrote that paragraph as a reminder to myself, if anything, to get Bill's backstory out of the way in Season 1.