Chapter 15 – Heather and Thistle

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A/N Rabadams has been sending me reviews in verses. They are so good. I want to share the last one, referring to chapter 14.

Lips that meet
On softest cheek
Parallel to rubies
Brush and meek
Lifted smile and
Dimple beguile
A branded mark
A heart to beat

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(Bella)

Cool, supple, perfect skin. Ivory and alabaster. Edward is not the first vampire I have kissed. In fact I have kissed all members of my foster family one time or another, with the exception of Jasper - whose self-control was less than perfect – and the feeling was more or less the same. But I never felt such an electric jolt before. What does it mean? And his scent, God, his scent. Edward's fragrance is deceiving, sweet like honeysuckle or lavender, but with bitter, musky undertones. For these contradictions, I want to breath it in again and again…

Now I was behind him on his bike, embracing his solid torso, while we rode back to New York. I still couldn't understand what had made me kiss him. Maybe it was the severity of his face, a seriousness tinged with embarrassment on admitting, (with no further explanation), that he had hunted not humans but animals. I had been deeply moved and I had reacted without thinking. Only God knew what he thought of me after this. However… what had prompted his choice?

I could understand that he felt guilty for his part in the deadly Volturi mission to Forks, but… was he also feeling guilty for killing humans? It was such a big step for a vampire, and those who abstained were rare indeed. He had told me before that he now hunted only criminals, and I had believed him. Surely that should have been enough. But evidently it was not. Would he continue and would his eyes become topaz like Alice's? For the moment they were still ruby red, like all traditional vampires. None the less, I had dreamed of him with golden eyes, hadn't I?

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Yesterday night, while Edward had gone hunting and sleep eluded me, Alice and I had spoken for hours. It had been so long since we had a moment for us, and for a while it was like nothing bad had happened, and my best friend and I were at home, exchanging confidences. Alice wanted to know in detail what had happened between Edward and me. And I told her.

"You, you tried to kill yourself!" she had cried, appalled.

"I thought he was going to use me to capture you." I explained.

"Oh, Bella, what I have done to your life?" She lamented.

"You saved my life and gave me a new family."

Alice was silent for a while, then continued.

"What do you think of Edward?"

"I think he's truly repentant and wants to help us."

"Yes, I believe so too," Alice said, "but, I mean, more personally, what do you think of him?"

I realized that her question was loaded and tried to understand its hidden meaning:

"Alice, what have you Seen?"

"Too much and too little. I'm still trying to figure it out," she answered. "Not to be able to have complete visions is so frustrating. Surely Edward hates himself. He exudes despair… You know, he asked me to kill him, when this danger passes."

I stifled a cry.

"I would never do it, don't worry. And, when I am reunited with Jasper again, I'll make sure he won't do it either. He might think about it, but I'll calm him. It's one of the reasons I want to get to the Olympic Peninsula before you two arrive."

Why was the idea of Edward's death so horrible to me? I felt confused and angry, at him. How does he dare?

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We were already in the Lincoln Tunnel and I had not yet sorted out my feelings. Once we reached Manhattan we found it was raining and we got truly drenched, aside from our helmeted heads.

"Mm, we need a plan of action," Edward said, slowing down and turning toward me. "You should change in something dry and pack, I have to put the bike in a garage, pack for myself, and then…"

The logistics were complicated by the fact that Edward didn't want to leave me alone. Too dangerous, he had said. Demetri was here in New York, and what if he discovered my existence? What if the spy had already gathered information in La Push, What if…

He had become overprotective all of a sudden. Or maybe not all that sudden. Come to think of it, he had always been with me from the moment he surprised me in the library's attic. He had only left to hunt, but I was with Alice and Leah. And now the trend continued. First we went to park the bike near his house, then he hailed a taxi and we went to my flat in the Village, where he insisted I took a shower, dressed in warmer clothes and packed a bag for my trip.

The third step was to go to the library. Here Edward had to stay outside; he had been seen before and Lucy thought – rightly – that he was my stalker. I had perfected my story and told my boss that I needed time for myself: there were other colleges I wanted to explore and maybe go to, together with the high school friend I had been staying with in the last few days. I was taking unpaid leave and would let them know if I was coming back or not.

Deb took the news in her stride, observing that I had been living too solitary a life in New York and it was for the best. She could have blamed me for leaving her short of staff, but she didn't say anything, more proof of her great kindness. Lucy was not in the office, so I left my regrets with Deb for not being able to say goodbye to her; in fact I was relieved that I didn't have to answer questions about the stalker… who was waiting for me around the corner.

Edward hailed another taxi and we went to his apartment, where he also showered and packed.

"Our flight to Seattle is tomorrow, from Newark too. I'll book a limo," he told me. Hopefully the weather will stay cloudy here…"

"And in the Olympic Peninsula it's always cloudy." I finished the sentence for him, while a pang of nostalgia hit me. My lost home, so wet and green… I realized that going back there was making me sad and happy at the same time.

"Do you mind if we stay here this evening? You can have my room," he offered.

I didn't mind. With him I felt safe. His bed… a prop, or did he use it sometimes? But in my experience, vampires used beds mainly for one thing. Had he brought female vampires in this apartment? The idea gave me mixed feelings of disgust and excitement. Living with the Cullens, considerate as they were, had made me aware of vampires' intense sex drive. I had also realized that, due to their perfect hearing, each member of the family could hear what was going on in other rooms. While I was spared this, Alice or Esme routinely proposed outings, meant to give the other couples privacy while avoiding embarrassing me.

However, I couldn't help imagining them with each other, shameless and beautiful. There were nights I thought of myself in similar situations; only, my lover was faceless. I hadn't indulged in sexual daydreaming for a long time, the aftermath of the tragedy too raw, but now, unbidden, an image flashed in my mind and the imaginary lover was no longer faceless: he had the perfectly sculpted traits of Edward Masen.

Oh God, could he hear my heart jumping? A telltale blush warmed my face, and I desperately looked for a distraction, eventually mumbling "human moment" and disappearing in the bathroom.

When I reemerged, Edward was on the phone, speaking of shares, futures and other obscure financial matters. Obscure for me, who had always refused to heed Alice's tutoring on finances. With a "Fine, Rick, that's all for the moment, I'll call you in a couple of weeks or so." Edward concluded his call.

"Shall we order some food for you?" he asked, smiling. "Do you like Chinese?"

I assented and he rummaged in a little basket meant for holding the mail. "Here it is," he announced triumphantly, showing me a home delivery menu.

"Why did you keep this?" I asked, puzzled. "You don't eat."

"It was in the mailbox and I thought it added normalcy when my stockbroker came here. But now it comes in handy."

Frankly, I was famished, so I examined the list, made my selection and Edward placed the order.

A strange, cozy evening followed. When the food arrived I started eating with gusto my won tons and fried rice with shrimp, until I felt Edward's eyes on me. It was a fact that the Cullens stared too, when I ate. Since the alternative was starving, I'd learned to put up with it. Esme looked because she was obviously happy that I was enjoying what she had cooked, and Carlisle wanted to make sure I was well fed and healthy. Emmett was endlessly curious - to the point of even trying to snatch a morsel, sometimes, disregarding the unpleasant consequences. Rose affected disgust, but couldn't avert her gaze either, and Alice, my dear Alice, had lost her human memories, so she seemed completely fascinated.

But in Edward's eyes there was something different. I had seen the Cullen couples looking at each other in a similar way, before disappearing together. It was lust. Again I flushed and my heartbeat quickened abruptly. I felt I couldn't eat another morsel. What was happening was enormous, I could barely grasp it. Obviously he was attracted to me, but what did it mean? I knew too little about him to be sure. Unmated vampires were often promiscuous, and the stories I had heard about Volterra confirmed it. What if I was only a passing fancy?

When I had finished eating, he asked if I wanted to watch TV but, after switching the channels for a while, I found I wasn't interested. There were no good movies on, and the other shows seemed inane, compared with what was happening in my real life and what could happen in Washington. So I said I would read for a while – I had an unfinished book I brought along, and Edward said he would play the piano a little.

The novel I was reading had been published a few years previously and presented a rather unpleasant hero, one of those jaded Wall Street billionaires who, having experienced everything, now attempted self-destruction for a change. Basically, the story was a dark allegory of what the future could bring, the gap between the rich and the poor widening, riots for social reasons, political murders seen live in TV… my mind wandered, I was not really concentrating… could such a story become a film, with a capable director and an actor good enough to bring it off? The music flowing from Edward's talented fingers was at the same time passionate and eerie. What was it? I was curious but didn't want to interrupt … Liszt, maybe? My musical tutoring under Rosalie had been limited. Giving up the novel completely, I closed my eyes and listened, enraptured...

…. I was speaking with the billionaire. "You, you and those like you are the real vampires," I was saying, "bleeding the world dry." He had Edward Masen's face, but his eyes were blue-green. He just smirked.

… Then, I was in bed with him. How did that happen so fast? He was doing things to me, things I had only imagined but never experienced, surely not with the clumsy boy who had been my first and only lover. And I was not resisting. His hands were cold, but they set my skin on fire… No, this was not Eric the Wall Street wonder boy, this was Edward the vampire having his way with my body. And I was enjoying it.

His caresses became increasingly intimate till I was a quivering mess of need. He gently pried my legs open…

….The dream faded away, leaving me unsatisfied and confused. Where was I? In the dim light coming from the street below, I realized I had fallen asleep on Edward's sofa at some point, but he must have carried me to his bed – which smelt like him, so he must have lain here. I felt my checks burning in shame and self-awareness. What if he, with his preternatural senses, had been aware of the erotic nature of my dream? He must have, because, still as a statue, he was sitting on a chair, watching me with a burning gaze.

I had the distinct feeling that he knew what I had been dreaming about, but how was it possible? He couldn't hear my thoughts. And yet…

"Edward" I stammered, "was I talking in my sleep?"

The words had barely escaped my mouth when he moved and took me in his arms. I closed my eyes to open them again when I felt the gentle pressure of his cool lips on mine. But now it was not lust that dominated: it was tenderness.

"No, Bella, no. But I can see your dreams sometimes…."

God, he knows.

"I am sorry," I murmured

"Sorry about what? I'm the one who is sorry. What you feel, hell, what I feel… It can't be, Bella, you must realize it."

"Why?" It was a cry from my heart, overcoming shame.

"Because of what I did. Because my days are numbered, and because I don't even know if I could love you and not kill you."

His days 'are numbered'. Truly he wants to die. God, how can I stop him, change his mind?

I don't know, but I will try, I swore silently to myself.

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Notes

Edward's scent. The fragrances Bella can't define exactly are heather and thistle. He is from Scotland, after all. They both start sweet and lightly floral, then bitter and musky undertones are detected. This I gathered after a long research on Scottish herbalist sites. In any case, they seem particularly apt to define our hero's personality.

You know what novel Bella is reading, don't you?

Just so that you know, Edward was playing "A suspire", by Franz Liszt. I have to thank Terenzio S. for this suggestion, as I don't know much about music.