Chapter 21 - Stay, fleeting moment

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A/N Two PoVs in this chapter. You'll see why.

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(Edward)

Bella was sleeping, a half smile on her beautiful, slightly swollen lips.

God, how I do long for sleep. To sleep with her, to wake up with her. Heaven.

She is my lover, my mate.

How can I exist without her?

I won't.

But she will die. She almost died today.

Bella dying… not possible, unacceptable…

I won't see her die, by chance, or illness, or just old age.

So, if I continue to live and stay with her, I'll end up changing her. There is no other way.

Would she wish to be changed?

She didn't demand it from her friends, though, but if I ask her…

She will say yes, she won't deny me.

For a moment I got feral.

I'll do it now.

There was no venom in my mouth, however, while I considered it. Vampires often bite when they orgasm, but I never had the impulse when I was making love to her. Frail, unique, inestimable, she could only be cherished, not hurt in any way.

But, if I change her …

… she will be pale, cold, more beautiful than ever. Crimson eyes slowly becoming golden… I know she will not kill mortals, she is strong enough…

Bella, eternal, immutable.

Immutable, inhuman.

No

Is it possible for a cold vampire to become even colder? Because that is what happened to me: my chest constricted; I was turning to stone as I finally understood what being human meant.

It meant that every moment was fleeting, and no one would be like another, achingly beautiful because it passed. And these moments were few. Time on this Earth was short for humans, and therefore what they did with it was supremely important.

What did we parasites do with our eternity? Nothing.

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'To be human is to celebrate life, recognize its perfect imperfection, recognize that time on this Earth runs quickly and yet offers instants that are infinitely precious'. These were the words Death had implanted in my brain before challenging me with his wager. I hadn't really understood his words then, but now I did.

And the consequences of that understanding left me no escape.

To steal Bella's humanity would be an abomination, a fate she didn't deserve, a fate I couldn't damn her to. But the only way I could find to avoid it was to remove myself completely and permanently.

She is human, she will live on, she will love another, she must. This was the mantra I repeated over and over, and forced myself to believe.

My removal would ensure that I wouldn't see her first mourn me, then forget me, then find a man, not a monster, maybe marry him, have kids, and do all the wonderful transient things that humans do.

And most of all, I wouldn't see her get old or sick and die.

When I reached this point in my bleak musings, I realized that I had to end my existence immediately, or my resolve would falter, my selfishness would win out. Alice and Jasper were perfectly adequate to carry on with the plan we had devised. And they would guard over Bella. I was free to go and I had to go now. On my lips a sentence burned, but I didn't pronounce the words. Not yet, not here.

Slowly I disentangled my limbs from Bella's warm ones, careful not to awaken her. Because, surely, I couldn't do it where she would find me. My love made a little sound of distress and embraced a pillow instead. Still sleeping, thank God. Should she wake up and ask me not to go … what would I do?

I dressed hastily and opened the door of the cabin.

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Outside, still as a statue, there was Alice, a key dangling from her hand.

"You are a damn fool, Edward."

"Let me go, Alice, it is better this way."

Her next words surprised me:

"Yes, it is. Take this key, it is the farthest cabin of the resort on the left side. Number 9. Go there and proceed, then, since you have decided. I'll take care of everything, afterward."

I wondered what she had Seen, but I hadn't the courage to ask. Probably she had had a vision of me saying the words and then… what? Would Death appear and claim me? He had promised he would come and let me die. But what happened to a body over two hundred years old, once this mockery of life left it? I shuddered.

"I … I don't want Bella finding my remains."

"Don't worry, she won't." Now restored to her full power, the Seer was impressive to behold, despite her diminutive size. A Sybil, a goddess almost. Her golden eyes seemed to hold the secrets of all possible universes. And she was good at deflecting me, her secrets remained hidden.

I inclined my head.

"Alice, thank you. For everything."

"Good bye, Edward."

I walked. Who runs to his death? But I got there in minutes.

I opened the cabin's door and entered, looking at the last things I would see in my existence. Commonplace furniture and a slightly musty smell. Probably, being quite far from the reception, it was rented less frequently than the other cabins.

How does one do such a thing? Standing or laying down?

Better to lie down. Alice will take care of the bed, if I foul it while I dissolve… Will I shrivel and turn to dust like Dracula in so many films, but with no benefit of sun or fire? How we had laughed, seeing those movies in Volterra's private cinema!

I stretched on the bed.

Humans say that, when on the verge of death, their whole life runs on their minds. For me it was the same. I remembered the immortal children, their inevitable destruction, the pain of their dams. I remembered the abject terror of the rogue vampires I had brought to justice, if that could be called justice. I remembered Carlisle, who had been afraid only for his wife and family. I remembered, in a confused blur, because they were too many, all the human victims I had fed from. Horrible moments, not one deserving to be stopped.

I remembered my life after I ran from the Volturi. Surely there had been some sort of progress, right? Had I managed to reconnect with my lost humanity? To reconnect with the idealistic young Scotsman who should have died defending the dispossessed during the Clearances, but had been cheated by Algernon? Would what little good I had done in my short third life be enough to qualify me for death?

I didn't know what a human I had been, but I had fought against the evictions, which shouldn't have concerned me, a well off student, not a peasant, as my pious uncle had reminded me in his letter. So, if I had had a soul then, it must have been a pure one. But 200 years of murders and selfishness had followed my death, and my soul was surely damned now. And yet, if I could prevail over my selfishness, giving Bella the human life she deserved …then I could perhaps save her soul and mine. And maybe, just maybe, our souls could find each other one day, if really there was something, after death.

Finally, I recalled the hours just past, when I had made love to Bella. They had been wonderful, my joy absolute, despite - or because of - the restraint I had had to exert. I would happily die with that single memory in mind. The most beautiful moment of my long existence. The one I would stop and relive forever and ever.

Death, I have found it, please come for me.

But my body rebelled. My mouth couldn't open, my jaws were clamped shut.

Suicide isn't easy for vampires. My immortal cells lack the death instinct, Doctor Freud.

I fought. I fought against self-preservation, trying to open my mouth and speak. I fought the desire to go back to Bella and to make love to her again and again … Eventually, it was thinking of her that helped me to defeat my body. I needed to save Bella from myself, I needed to go. My lips opened, at last.

"Stay, fleeting moment, thou art beautiful!"

It was done.

Nothing at first. Then sudden darkness. I couldn't see anymore, I was blind. And then the cold came. So cold. It started with my feet, turning them to ice. The cold had never bothered me before, but now it did. It was painful. And also symmetric with the flames of the metamorphosis from human to vampire. There, fire; here, ice. Ice that was slowly creeping up my legs but, unlike people experiencing exposure, I didn't go numb. I suffered. When the ice reached my groin it was excruciating. I bit my hands to suffocate the screams I would have emitted otherwise. Up to my chest after that, but my heart was dead already. Then my throat, my mouth, I couldn't have screamed anymore even if I wished. How would it end, when would it end? I couldn't stand it much longer.

Death, you are a bitch, make it stop.

It'll stop when your brain, your overactive brain, freezes, idiot.

Good bye Bella … my love … fare well … be happy….

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(Bella)

I was too warm, stifling under the comforter. Too warm, because Edward wasn't here. I sat up, suddenly wide awake. Where was he?

Oh Christ, he gave me this night, but it is barely past. Is it dawn already? Has he gone away? Gone away to die? How? How can a vampire die, if he is not dismembered by a wolf or another vampire? Has he convinced somebody to kill him? No, please God, no. I still hope to change his mind, I just need more time.

Frantic, I lit the lamp and looked around, but there was nothing to see. His clothes … gone. My own, neatly folded on a chair. It will be as he never existed … I have nothing left of him, only the memory of last night. I told him it would be enough, but it isn't.

All the images of our coming together surged to torment me. He had been so gentle! I wasn't so naïve as to believe that this was the way vampires made love. The inhuman strength, the insatiability, the impulse to bite… But when Edward had shared his body with me, he had forced it to be almost human. His power subdued, he had only thought of my pleasure, awakening desires that had been dormant for years, if they had existed at all before him. His lips made my skin tingle and tremble, his fingers danced on my secret places till I could wait no more, the need to have him in me overpowering. I had unashamedly searched for his manhood then, so hard and silky smooth at the same time. Perfect, it had been perfect and made for my delight, as I was made for his. We were the two halves of the apple, how could he renounce me and force me to renounce him?

Strangely, when I told him he wasn't the first, he had seemed almost happy about it. How I wished to understand why he'd reacted so. But I had no chance to ask him now. No chance to ask him anything more.

Too late, too late, too late.

This mournful dirge would accompany me till my death.

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But, wait a moment. There is something on the nightstand.

It was a key, with number 9 embossed on the wooden ornament attached to the ring. Under the key there was a small map of the resort. On it somebody had written just a word: "Go", using a red felt pen. I had never seen anything written by Edward, but it looked like Alice's handwriting. Silent as vampires can be, she must have come in and got out without awakening me. Quickly dressed, I went out of the cabin, hoping that Alice was still nearby, but there was nobody outside, only the rustling sound of leaves moved by the wind. Some light was filtering already from behind the clouds.

The message was clear, though. I had to go where I had been directed.

Does it mean that I will get there in time to stop him, whatever he intends to do?

I looked at the map and found the cabin's location. It was quite far, on the opposite side of the resort. I ran and, as my clumsy self is wont to do, I tripped and fell. Now I could only walk, not run, because my right ankle was hurting. Stupid, stupid Bella. I went on and on, the faintly illuminated path never ending. I passed cabin 8, another curve and there it was, number 9, dark and silent.

I stopped, my heart was thumping in my chest. What would I find there? With legs made of lead I reached the door, inserted the key and opened. Inside it was still dark, so I switched on the light. A living room with a kitchenette, empty. The other room then… a bed, of course. And on the bed …

On the bed there was a marble statue in modern dress. The carved simulacrum of a knight on his sepulcher, if knights wore jeans instead of an armor.

Oh my love, are you really gone forever? Alice, why did you leave me the key? To make me see him for the last time? It felt like a hole was being cut into my chest.

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His chest, however, wasn't still. He was breathing.

I ran to him, my ankle forgotten. I caressed his beautiful face. It was warm.

It was warm!

And, in the great silence, I heard the steady beating of a living heart.

Green, bright green eyes opened and stared at me.

"Edward," I whispered," you are human."

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Notes

This is what I wanted to happen from the moment I conceived my story. Oh please, tell me what you think.

I have almost finished. There will be an epilogue, some explanations and, before that, the letter to Aro. I am sure you are curious.