Chapter 40

Daryl took Merle away from the their cell block and deeper into the prison on their way towards the cafeteria. He thought that while they talked, they could make themselves useful and drag the bodies out of there, to be burnt later that day. That block was secure now as well and Daryl had the idea that him and Bay could sneak off into one of those cells for their alone time. Far away from prying eyes and ears. Maggie and Glenn could do the same, as well as Rick and Lori... if they would ever patch things up again.

"The fuck happened in Atlanta? Why'd you light out like that?" Daryl asked gruffly as they got to work.

"City was full of 'em damn biters. Had to get outta there with my nice lil' flesh wound."

"Yeah, I get that. Why didn't ya come back to camp? Why'd ya leave me behind? Again?"

Merle just shrugged. "Thought I was gon' be a goner soon. Thought I should go out with a bang."

"The fuck does that mean?"

"Reckoned it would only be fitting to go out where it all started. Went back home. Went looking at all the old places for some crank. Wanted to go out on my terms and high as a fucking kite. Don't feel nothin' no more... But I struck out... All the fucking warehouses them damn Mexicans used back in the day weren't there no more. Fucking town changed." Merle explained with a scoff.

"Went looking for drugs instead of comin' ta get me, huh? Sounds familiar..." Daryl muttered under his breath.

"What was that, little brother? Ain't sure I heard ya right."

"You heard me exactly right. You always talked a big game, but you was never there. Never. I'm letting fucking family down? Me? I ain't turned my back on family over and over again. That was you! The only time I turned my back on family was when I was fucking stupid enough to leave Dalton with you. Left Bay behind..."

"That again." Merle sighed with annoyance.

"Yeah, that again." Daryl spat when he straightened again after dragging the next body out of one of the cells.

"Come on, baby brother, that's old news. Ya found each other again. Be happy and let the past lie, or shit like that. What were the odds, huh? Folks thought she died. You found her alive. It's a fucking miracle, so why don't ya focus on that, instead of being a grudge carrying little prick?"

"Man, you ain't got no idea what you took from us, Merle." Daryl swung his arm out in front of him, one of his trademark moves when he got upset, while his voice started to rise in volume. "Got every right to carry a grudge."

"Would ya cut the dramatics? Yer acting like some pussy bitch drama queen." Merle waved him off while he dragged another dead walker out of a cell, using just his one hand.

Daryl just stood there with his hands on his hips and his head hung low, shaking it with a huff, before he looked back up at his brother. "Bay was pregnant." he stated and watched his older brother halt in his tracks. "The day you convinced me to leave? She had a doctor's appointment. Ain't been feelin' well for a while. We didn't think nothin' much of it. Stomach bug or something. We were careful..." Daryl was literally able to see the little wheels turn inside Merle's head as his big brother became aware of a couple of things. "You took her money."

"I-..." Merle was speechless when he realized that his actions had had bigger consequences than he'd thought. "I didn't know..."

"She was pregnant and you took her money. You took everything she had. Left her with nothing. She didn't have no money and no help. She didn't have me, although that ain't all your fault. I let myself get steamrolled by you... You get it now? She had no way to provide for that baby."

Merle swallowed hard and averted his gaze. "She kill it?"

"No." Daryl shook his head and stared at him with a hard gaze. "You did."

Merle's head snapped up sharply at that. "The hell?! I didn't!"

"Yeah, you did. Maybe ya didn't take a knife and stab her in the belly with it, but ya might as well have. What you did... what we both did, it destroyed her. She broke down. You fucking broke her, Merle. She didn't get out of bed no more. She lost her jobs. She didn't eat and she didn't drink nothing. Pat and Erin had ta force feed her to keep her alive." Daryl's voice shook a little when his imagination conjured up the images inside his head again.

"Yeah... they told me 'bout that. Didn't believe them. Said nothin' 'bout no baby though." Merle was stammering a bit while his mind was racing.

"They didn't know. She didn't tell nobody." Daryl swallowed down his tears and took a deep breath before he continued. "She had a miscarriage. She lost our kid. My kid. Your niece or nephew, Merle. You wanna tell me I'm turning my back on family one more time? 'Cause you killed part of my family. Your own blood. That kid had Dixon blood. You got my child's blood on your hands, Merle. We both do. You get that? Ain't no way to forgive myself for what I did, and there ain't no forgiving you neither. That's what you took from us. Having a real family together."

"I didn't know she was... How was I supposed to know if you didn't even know?"

"That ain't even the point! Don't you get it? You weren't supposed to take her shit in the first place! You weren't supposed to fucking lie to me in the first place! There was no danger from the Mexicans, was there? You paid them off usin' her money, then you sold me that bullshit story about how I gotta think of her and keep her safe, but all you wanted was to have me back to being your fucking lap dog. And I was fucking stupid enough to do it, because you used my fear of something happening to Bay against me. Nothing would have happened if I'd stayed, but she almost died 'cause I left. My child died, because I left. She had a miscarriage, she got hit by a fucking car because of it. She was in a coma for half a month, she has metal parts in her arm and shit like that, all because of the fucking lie you told! They scraped the remains of our baby out of her like she was some damn Halloween pumpkin! Do you fucking get it now? Do you get why you got off easy with her just kickin' you in the nuts?" Daryl was shouting, and everybody who was nearby heard.

Rick, Pat, Nick and Glenn, who were on their way back to the cafeteria, were standing around a corner, waiting for the men to finish up their talk. It wasn't like them to eavesdrop, but it was like a damn car accident, and they all wanted to hear what Merle had to say in response. Pat was shocked when he heard that Bay had been pregnant. He thought that if he had known, him and Erin and everybody else would have been stricter with her. Made her eat more, force her to swallow vitamins or shit like that. They could have helped her, but they hadn't known.

"I... I-I... didn't want to..." Merle was still at a loss for words. Back then, he had assumed Bay would be sad, yes, but he'd thought that she would just get her act together, just like when her parents had died, and earn the money back little by little. He had never meant to cause that much harm to her. He didn't hate the girl and she hadn't deserved all this fallout from his actions.

"Yeah... but you did it anyway." Daryl scoffed. "You always do."

"What am I s'pposed to do here, Daryl? I can't take it back." Merle sounded rather helpless, which didn't happen too often. It showed Daryl that Merle was truly shocked by what he had caused.

"If ya could... would ya? Tell me something, Merle. If ya had known about the baby, would that have changed your plans?" The answer to that question might not have been important to Bay, but Daryl was dying to know.

"Yeah. Wouldn't have left her in a lurch like that." Merle nodded while looking at the ground. "Baby, but no money and no baby daddy? Might be a lotta things, but I ain't enough like our old man that I would'a left her unable to provide for the kid. Guess we would have stayed and raised it all together." He mumbled with a shrug. Yeah, people might call him a white trash, inbred hick, but Merle had at least some sort of code. It wasn't too much like Daryl's, but he still wasn't asshole enough to abandon a kid. He wouldn't want for another Dixon to grow up in a broken home like him and Daryl. Not that it mattered now with this gone to shit world, but back then? No, he wouldn't have stolen her money if he had known. The only real reason why they left was because Merle hadn't felt like dealing with the consequences of taking the money. He liked taking the easy way out and getting the hell out of dodge had been the easy way out back then. Too bad that Bay and Daryl had been the ones to pay the price. Maybe that's my punishment..., Merle thought when he looked down at the metal contraption that was replacing his hand. Maybe that had been karma kicking him in the ass.

"Hm." Daryl grunted with a nod. Maybe not all hope's lost for him. It's a start.

"How'd ya find her?" Merle asked his younger brother.

"Quarry got overrun the night we got back from trying to get ya back. People died. Jim was bit. We went to the CDC. Rick thought there might be people left, working on a cure. Was just one doc left in there. The building was some science-fiction high-tech shit. Was outta resources and blew itself up with the good doc and Jacqui in it. The rest of us got out and just kept going towards Fort Benning. Got stuck on I-85. Herd came through. Carol's girl came out of hidin' too early and a few stragglers chased her into the woods. We went out to look for her. Split up. Rick's boy got shot. I was in the other group. All of a sudden this chick came ridin' up on a horse with a baseball bat. That was Maggie. She was looking for Lori, told her about Carl getting shot and took her back to her farm. We followed them the other day. Met the family, except for one of the daughters. I walked around a bit, looking around. Heard noises behind the stables and went to check..." Daryl paused his recount of the events that had led him back to Bay, a small smile playing on his lips. "Thought I was losing my damn mind. Thought maybe one of 'em walkers had gotten me or something. There she was, cleaning out buckets. Thought I was hallucinatin' until Maggie joined her and talked to her. That's when I knew she was real. She was fucking pissed. All those years she thought I took her money and ruined everything for her."

"Looks like she forgave your ass."

"She did. Took a bit, but she came around and believed me eventually." Daryl said, and looked up when Rick and the others came around the corner.

"Ready to get the rest of the supplies?" Rick asked the hunter.

"Yeah. Done here. Just gotta burn 'em later." Daryl shouldered his crossbow and took the spare backpack from Rick.

"Let's go, then. Still got a lot to do." Rick urged them.

While they transported the goods to their cell block, Merle and Daryl kept talking. Daryl wanted to know how Merle ended up in a group with Pat and Erin.

"Like I said, I was looking for some nice meth... Couldn't find anything, so I went to the pharmacy on Main. Was in real bad shape by then. That shit hurt like a motherfucker." He referred to his right arm, which he lifted up in the air to show what he meant. "I knew I wasn't gonna make it much longer. Tried to speed things up. Wanted to get all the meds in me I could get, but the pharmacy's been picked clean, except for some cold medicine and shit like that. Guess I got delirious or something, must have been in and out of consciousness. That's when your buddy back there found me. They'd picked the pharmacy clean. Had taken all the meds and came back for the cold stuff, because the little one was having a cough. He brought me back here and they patched me up. Saved my damn life."

Daryl snorted at Merle's miserable tone. "Yeah, bet you just hate that ya owe them, huh?"

"He's a cocky bastard, but he's alright I guess. The little lady's fine, too. Kid's quiet. That Nick guy is a fucking weirdo. Thinks he's funny or something. Idiots keep chuckling their asses off... Still, could be worse, I reckon. Might be worse from now on with fucking Officer Friendly all up in my face." Merle spat disdainfully.

"Rick's alright. He's done right by you." Daryl protested. "We came back for you. All ya had to do was wait."

"Right... what happened to the stupid nigga who dropped the fucking key down the drain?"

"Went down when the farm got overrun."

"Guess there is such a thing as justice." Merle grinned slightly.

"Shut up." Daryl decided that for now, he'd had heard enough coming out of Merle's mouth.

A while later, when they were done getting everything out of that cafeteria, Daryl returned his back pack to the cell he shared with Bay. She was outside, getting fresh water with Maggie, Hershel and Dale, and he probably wouldn't get to spend time with her until dinner, because he would go back outside to help burn the bodies. When he entered the cell, his foot kicked something further into the small space. He looked at the ground and saw an unfamiliar notebook. He thought that Beth must have visited with Bay and must have forgotten to take it back to her cell, but when he bend over to pick it up, he noticed that it was actually Bay's handwriting on the page. The book had flipped open when he'd kicked it, because a pen was stuck between the pages, so her handwriting immediately caught his eye now.

I feel like something inside of me broke, but I don't know what and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know who I am anymore. Even in my darkest days, I didn't use to be like this. I don't like who I am right now. I want to go back, but I don't know if I can and that's killing me. I miss Daryl. It's getting better, now that we are here at the prison and are able to spend more time together without him constantly looking over both our shoulders. The past four months have been my own personal hell. Not because of the way the world is now, but because I was with the man I love, without actually truly being with him in a couple-y sense. It makes me think back to when we first got together. I wanted us to stay friends if he didn't want to be with me. Now I know that I never would have been able to do that. It would have slowly killed my soul. Having him close without being able to simply hug him, much less touch or kiss him, that was the absolute worst. Seeing Carol flirt with him just added fuel to the fire. I took my frustrations out on the walkers. Nobody knows that Daryl had to pull me away a couple of times, because I wasn't able to stop stabbing or kicking them. What if I do that to an actual person one day? What if something in my brain just short-circuits and makes me lose control? Am I losing myself? Maybe that's what's happening and what has me in this weird rut I'm in. I need to get out of it, not just for my sake, but for Daryl's sake and for that of my family as well. I can't stand hurting and worrying them any longer, but I don't know what to do. I hope that maybe the stability we might be able to establish here will help me. Lord knows I like my boring routines.

Daryl's heart hurt when he read what she had written. This is what Hershel had talked about earlier. Bay had changed and she was suffering from it. He hadn't fully realized how much, simply because he had been busy with keeping her and the others safe. She was right. He had never been able to fully focus on her. He had always looked over their shoulders, paying more attention to the dangers that might have been lurking, than to her. If the roles had been reserved, that would have frustrated him, too. In a way it had frustrated him as well, but he'd been too driven to fully acknowledge that feeling. Now things had to change. He'd promised to take care of her. In the past couple of months he had protected her with all he had, but he hadn't truly taken care of her. Not emotionally. He just hadn't been able to. It had to be different now. It just had to. As soon as everything was secure and taken care of, he wanted to go back to spending more time with her. They truly didn't know how much longer they had together. He wanted to make it count.

"Daryl?" Bay called out to him, making him jump and toss the notebook on one of the cots.

"Yeah?" he walked out to the landing.

"You got three minutes?"

Daryl smirked in amusement at her specific request. "Yeah, but not a second longer." he deadpanned.

"Very funny." she playfully narrowed her eyes at him and poked his ribs once she was close enough. "I talked to Maggie earlier... I want her, Glenn, you and me to go on a special run. I wanted to talk to you first, before I ran it by Rick."

"What kind of special run?"

"We're gonna take a trip to all the gynecologists in town. We might find useful things for Lori and the baby, but the main reason Maggie and I want to go, is to go look for a drug called Depo-Provera."

"Uh-hu... why? What's that stuff for?" Daryl frowned in confusion.

"It's a birth control shot. One injection and we won't need condoms or any other kind of birth control for 12 weeks." Bay lowered her voice while she explained it to him.

"And that's safe?"

"It is, if you get it regularly every 12 weeks. A friend from vet school used to get them. She said it's even more effective than the pill. And the pregnancy rates are incredibly low, simply because it's not like a condom that burst or a pill you forgot to take. One shot and you're good for three months. Imagine we'd find enough for 10 shots. Five for each of us. Five shots mean 15 months of no danger of having a baby."

"Really? No fucking rubbers? We can do everythin? Bareback?"

"Yup." Bay said slowly. A smile appeared on her lips at Daryl's stupid little smile.

"Yeah, let's do it. Worth a shot. What about Beth and the others?"

"Beth doesn't need birth control. No boyfriend. Carol won't need it either. Lori's pregnant, so she's out, too. At least for another couple of months."

"Erin?"

"Hm... yeah, right... Gotta split it by three then. But I don't think it will be too bad. If one of the gynos kept that stuff around, then I'm sure it's more than just one vial or one syringe or whatever it comes in."

"Yeah, makes sense. Alright, gotta get back out there." Daryl leaned in and kissed her gently. "See ya later?"

"Of course." She smiled and pressed a kiss to his biceps when he went past her.

Bay ignored Merle whenever she walked by him, and Merle gave her her space. For once he kept his mouth shut, because he didn't even know what to say to her. Sorry didn't seem to cut it. Instead he focused his attention on the Grimes boy and the part of him that was missing.

"What happened to you?" Merle asked when Carl tried helping put the new supplies away in one of the cells.

"Got bit." Carl replied and eyed Merle's metal contraption.

"Ain't that a bitch. Your daddy take your arm off?"

"No. Hershel did. Daryl and Bay held me down." Carl muttered quietly. The memories were just as painful as the procedure had been.

"Yeah..." Merle recognized the expression on Carl's face. "Ya never forget that pain... You get phantom pains?"

"You get them, too?" Carl looked up at him in surprise.

"Yeah. A whole fucking lot. Was a pain in the ass. Gets better over time." Merle explained, in his own way giving Carl a bit of hope that things would improve in the future. "You got dealt some shitty cards, but ya know what? That kind of shit builds character. Makes ya stronger. You're gonna be one hard to kill son of a bitch." Merle smirked, when Carl started to grin proudly.

"I got pretty good shooting with my left hand."

"That's good. You lift some weights? Build up some muscle?"

"No."

"You should start. Will help ya out some. You can start by helping carrying the buckets of water in. Should be enough for starters. Don't overdo it. You don't wanna get too sore. You gotta remember that ya only got that one arm to defend yourself. Gotta make it strong to make up for the other one." Merle shared some advice with Carl, thinking the boy could use it. No one who hadn't gone through it themselves knew how tough it was to adjust. Especially if you used to be right-handed.

"I will." Carl nodded and smiled at the man he used to be scared off back at the quarry. Now he thought that maybe Merle wasn't that bad. Now they had something in common and even though Carl wasn't quite able to decipher the feeling, being in Merle's presence made him feel not so alone anymore.

Rick nodded to himself and continued to change his shirt in the adjacent cell. He had made the right decision by offering to merge groups and have Merle around. He had been right about it maybe helping Carl. No matter how much Rick and Merle didn't see eye to eye, Merle was still the only one who truly got what Carl was dealing with. Rick would do everything for Carl, and if having Merle around made Carl feel better, then he would keep Merle around, no matter how much he would mouth off in the future.

Bay didn't startle when she felt his warm, rough hands on her naked back. She had heard him enter the cell, and she was able to feel him close to her. His hands slipped around to her front, while he stepped closer and she felt the fabric of his sleeveless olive-colored shirt pressed against her back. She inhaled shakily when his lips grazed her neck at the same time he cupped her bare breasts.

"Daryl..." she half moaned, half breathed, when her knees buckled slightly at the sensation of having his thumbs flick her hardened nipples. This was what she had missed while they had been on the run. The little spontaneous moments where they could be alone, where they could be themselves and just enjoy without overthinking things or having to worry too much.

Daryl growled quietly against her skin when he heard his name on her lips. He slid his hands to her hips and turned her around to face him. He kissed her deeply, his tongue thrusting into her mouth and massaged hers tantalizingly. He pushed her up against the wall, making her squeal and buck into him when the cold wall met with her heated skin. They both chuckled into the kiss and Daryl pulled at her hips while she arched her back, getting most of it away from the wall. At the same time, the position made her offer up her boobs for some more playtime. An opportunity Daryl gladly made use of. He released her lips and nipped and licked at the column of her throat. His hand came up to squeeze her right breast, while his mouth reached the left one. He gave her nipple a nice suck, pulling at the sensitive flesh until it plopped back out of his mouth with a wet sound.

"Damn..." Bay moaned quietly with closed eyes. One of her hands grabbed the back of his head, holding him to her, while the other held on to his wrist, loving feeling the strong muscles flex when he squeezed her breast. "You shouldn't... I got all sweaty today."

"Don't care. Ya taste fucking delicious, baby girl." he grunted against her breast before he closed his mouth around her again. Yeah, her skin tasted salty and faintly like sweat, but mostly she tasted like Bay. Pure essence of Bay, and that made his blood rush in his ears and his cock harden quickly inside his too-loose pants.

They both felt a gust of cooler air, before they were torn out of their little haze by Pat's voice. "Hey, can I talk to y-... oh shit! Sorry,... sorry." He snorted slightly in amused laughter when he quickly turned around.

"The hell?! Can't ya knock or whistle or something?" Daryl released Bay and quickly pushed her behind him to block her from view.

"Sorry, didn't think... " Pat chuckled. Hmm, her tits really are perky. Jus' like he said back then... Pat couldn't help but think to himself with a grin. He was a guy and he never forgot anything boob-related.

Bay was surprised that she didn't feel embarrassed by having gotten caught. It was funny and mildly frustrating to her instead of mortifying. As usual, she skipped the bra and just threw on a clean t-shirt before she faced the guys again. "Relax. Guess it's bound to happen with so many people around." She smiled. Despite having gotten interrupted, the little intimate moment had been nice and had definitely lifted her spirits for the time being. "What can we do for you?"

"Erin had a couple of hours to calm down and gather her thoughts... and she would like to know if we could have dinner together. Just the four of us in one of our cells? So we can talk some?"

"You up for it?" Daryl asked Bay, knowing it was hard for her to face her friend again after the icy reception earlier.

"Yeah, sure. We'll be down in a minute." Bay smiled, and when Pat had left the cell, she turned her attention back to Daryl. "By the way, Rick has signed off on that special run we talked about earlier."

"Good. When do ya wanna do it?"

"Tomorrow. Now, with more guys to help out Rick around here, he's able to spare us. Although he is not very happy about you going." Bay smirked.

"Why?" Daryl frowned.

"Because he trusts you the most. He's used to you two having each other's backs."

"He's gonna get used to Pat. Will be good for Rick to have tomorrow to see that he can trust them, too."

"I think so." Bay smiled and closed her eyes when his warm hands cradled her face.

Daryl lovingly kissed her forehead before resting his own against it. "You gonna be okay?" he asked her, referring to facing Erin again.

"I'll always be okay for as long as I have you, my love."

"That was fucking cheesy, sweetheart." he chuckled before he kissed her sweetly.

"I know. But it's true."

"Not entirely true, hm?"

"What do you mean?" Bay pulled back a little and looked up at him questioningly.

"We were together every day the past couple of months, but ya weren't okay."

"That's right. Because I need this, this right here. I can't stand just living together side by side like friends that are in love with each other. I'm a girl. I need the couple-stuff. We always had that. We always had this intimacy, even when we were still dancing around each other for a couple of weeks before we first kissed. I missed it more than words can ever say and I am very, very glad, that we are getting it back right now. Please don't judge me for being so freakishly much in love with you and being so addicted to all of you, that just being near you wasn't enough to make me wanna shout my happiness from the rooftops."

"Isn't it usually the other way around?" Daryl narrowed his eyes with a little smirk.

"What?"

"If yer so much in love with me, shouldn't just being near me have been enough?"

"I never said I was normal. So no... I appreciate every moment we have together. But to be really, really happy. I need to have this connection with you."

He smiled and kissed her long and hard, before he responded. "Like ya said, we're getting that back now. Gotta make the best of it for as long as this will last."

"Exactly. Now let's go and see if Erin will be able to forgive me."

They shared one last kiss before Daryl took her hand and guided her out of their cell and downstairs to go visit Erin and Pat in theirs.

Thank you for reading!

Thank you bunches to everyone who left a review. Your nice words make up for all the people who are abandoning ship and sending me hate.

Sorry, no personalized thanks today due to trouble with the site. I hope this will get posted at all. I tried all day yesterday. Love to all of you.