Bill is in high spirits after what she considers a fantastic interview, but they've barely been in the hotel elevator for five seconds before Missy has slammed Nardole against a wall, something wild and furious in her eyes.
"What the hell was that?"
"What was what?!" Nardole squeaks, eyes wide with fear and confusion.
"Complimenting that piece of garbage, talking about his oh so special presence," Missy snarls, "we have a zero Saxon talk policy, remember?"
"She asked!"
"So you say no like I did, I thought you were supposed to have at least one brain cell in there-"
"Missy, that's enough," Theo says, stepping in and pulling her away from Nardole, and she shoves away from them both, scowling. "Let it go. And Nardole, just… please don't do it again, yeah?"
There's a strange, quiet plea in his request, and Nardole blinks at him curiously, defensiveness falling away.
"Yeah, alright," he says, frowning. "I'm sorry."
Theo nods, zero accusation in his eyes. "It's alright. Missy and I are going to go for a walk. You and Bill have… I don't know, hot chocolate or something."
"I don't want to go for a walk," Missy retorts, crossing her arms. There's a strange, nervous energy about her - it makes Bill think of a caged animal wanting to lash out.
"Too bad," Theo says, pressing a random button on the elevator, a few floors higher than their suite. "Walk. Now."
She grumbles, but acquiesces, and Bill sees him take her hand as Bill and Nardole leave the elevator, leaving them behind.
"You're not mad at me, are you?" Nardole asks as they head to the large suite they're all sharing. He looks worried.
Bill looks at him with surprise. "Nah, mate, I'm as confused as you are right now." She gives him a hug, feeling like he needs one. He lets out a little sigh and hugs her back. "Look, I didn't think the Saxon thing was a big deal either, when they mentioned it. It just sounded like they figured it wasn't professional to talk about him, since we know things with him didn't end great. It didn't sound like one of them was going to go mental if we accidentally did mention him."
"Well, that's what happens when you keep secrets, I suppose," Nardole says, shaking his head. "People get confused, and people get hurt."
Bill frowns, having not really thought of the whole Saxon thing as a secret that Theo and Missy were keeping, but she can't really deny the accuracy of the term.
It's unsettling, somehow.
The internet goes nuts with the new interview, of course.
songsmithfy - okay but how does no one see how obviously Theo wrote Hell In High Heels for River
yikes_lou - how dare Bill tell Missy to stop touching her leg doesn't she know we're all Suffering
whifferdills - this interview has given me excellent Theodole fodder
queenbaloo (replying to whifferdills) - lmao why are you like this and why do I find it so funny/abstractly support it
whifferdills (replying to queenbaloo) - idk pal but I appreciate it I love my soft boys
"Aww, nice," Nardole remarks, when Bill shows him the new Theodole tweets, which while few in number, are incredibly excited about Sarah Jane's line about him having an arm around Theo's waist. "Whifferdills is great."
"Don't you talk to her in your DMs sometimes?"
"Possibly," Nardole sniffs, "she makes for excellent absurdist conversation."
"You're excellent absurdist conversation," Missy mutters, but she does so while throwing a piece of fruit at him, which he catches, and he beams at her, making her roll her eyes. To Bill's practiced eye, this means that Nardole is for the most part forgiven, which is a relief for everybody involved.
Clara and Ashildr enter the tour bus, giggling about something in their disgustingly cute way. Ashildr sits down next to Bill and nudges her shoulder.
"Nice interview, Potts," they say. "Sarah Jane really painted a nice picture of you."
"As she well should," Missy remarks.
"Well, we come bearing news," Clara says to the group, "given how excited people have gotten about this collabed song, River is doing an interview on Amy's show tonight."
Amy Pond, once frontwoman of the fleetingly successful band Amy and the Babes (their most famous song being 'Geronimo', but Bill had always found 'Poncho Boys' to have a more interesting beat, personally), is these days a semi-successful radio personality who covers all forms of media, but focuses on music.
Bill can't exactly contest the entertainment value of a mad and gorgeous Scotswoman, for fairly obvious reasons.
"Guess we know what we're doing tonight, then," Bill remarks. "River is a riot on her own, but her and Amy together are hysterical."
So after spending a while alone in her room trying to work on her song, to little avail, Bill reconvenes with the others in the small living area of the bus in order to crowd around the laptop livestreaming Amy's radio show.
"Hellooooooooo everyone! Amy Pond here, your favourite mad Scotswoman that was handed a radio show by some similarly mad, poor soul who has since wisely scarpered. I hope everyone is having an awesome night, because I'm about to make it even better, because my cousin's here. You know, nothing major, just my awesome cousin River Song!"
Theo, who had been a mentor of sorts to Amy once, grins just a little.
"It's quite nice to be introduced as something as mundane as a cousin, for once."
"Well, alright, you've written a couple of alright songs too, I suppose, and your voice isn't bad-"
"Thank you, darling, I appreciate the high praise."
"In case anyone cares to know, River was the one kissing a lot of my bruised knees when I was a tiny kiddo. She also gave me excellent advice on how to sneak out the house to parties. Not that I'm suggesting that is a good thing for any of my younger viewers to try. Absolutely not worth it at all."
"Ask your parents, kids, it'll make your life much easier, trust me."
"That is actually true. But anyway, enough about us. We're here to talk about the fact that you got namedropped in a big interview with Event Horizon a few days ago. Apparently you didn't just help them sing 'Hell In High Heels', you actually inspired it."
"Frankly, I thought it was fairly obvious already. Anyone who has spent five minutes talking to me could listen to that song and instantly think it was about me."
Theo lets out a little snort of agreement, and everyone in the room shares little smirks, because it really has always been obvious to them.
"And are any members of Event Horizon lucky enough to know you well enough to 'kiss her like the world is ending'?"
"Where's the fun in telling you that? Besides, the song also talks about a whole lot of forever or years and years, and you should know by now that I'm not the type to be pinned down - well, not like that, anyway. Creative license, dear."
"If you say so, but nothing is going to quell all those internet rumours. That Songsmith lot have gone mental since this came out."
"Yes, but everyone's just as convinced that he's shagging Missy as they are that he's shagging me, so it's fine. It's hilarious, really, how much time and libido do they think he has? Theodore Smith is the most obscenely awkward person I've ever met - which is impressive since he's also one of the most charismatic."
"The duality of man."
"I'm not quite sure that he thinks of himself as entirely a man, but yes, the point stands."
Theo chuckles a little.
"She's a good liar, that one, I'll give her that," Missy says, as she eats an apple with a knife, lounging on the window seat like she owns it, which she more or less does. "Anyone who doesn't know better really would think you're too busy for even one woman."
"Better they think I'm too busy than to think I'm some kind of womaniser," Theo replies, making a disgusted face as the mere thought.
"Pretty sure no one will ever think that," Bill says, snorting.
"They did, back in the day, for some reason," Missy remarks, shaking her head. "I always figured it was because he was a gorgeous rockstar who naturally got on better with girls."
Theo turns pink, and the others laugh at him.
"It's one hell of a song, though. People are going nuts for it already. When are you going to film the music video?"
"Well, the problem is that they're on tour at the moment, so essentially we've blocked out a week in Utah where we're going to film it. So that's going to be a week of absolute madness, but should be a load of fun."
"Why Utah?"
"It's just around where they're going to be when we can fit in a tour break, I think, but you'd have to ask Theo about it, it was his idea."
"Yeah, why Utah?" Bill asks Theo, who just shrugs.
"Why not?"
Missy mutters 'rock kink' under her breath and is rewarded with Nardole choking on his tea and Theo rolling his eyes at her nonsensical comment. Bill and Ashildr just grin.
"Are you sure that you and Song are actually going to be able to keep your hands to yourselves in front of a whole film crew?" Missy asks Theo.
"I'll keep her in line, don't worry," he says with a smile.
"I'm still convinced you've designed this video specifically to make me suffer," Bill complains. "You realise that giving your wife permission to flirt with me and get handsy with me on camera is going to result in my fastracked lesbian death, right?"
"You'll survive," Theo says wryly.
"I also will be suffering, as I have to pretend to also be attracted to River Song, which is disgusting," Missy says, making everyone in the bus stare at her. "What?"
Bill has never seen Theo's eyebrow lifted with such utter scepticism before, but it's hilarious.
"You smell that? That complete disbelief and scent of bullshit?" Ashildr asks.
"Yep," Clara and Bill says, grinning.
"I am not attracted to River Song," Missy insists, eating more of her apple and scowling at them all. "I am attracted to the idea of impaling her with a sharpened microphone stand."
"I have several scarring memories that would say otherwise," Nardole says thoughtfully.
"Shut it, you," Missy snaps.
Bill decides to pretend she never heard that or saw Theo's fleeting, minuscule smirk. Her sanity depends on it.
She turns her attention back to the radio show, where Amy and River are sharing some anecdote from their childhood and making each other roar with laughter. Soon the entire tour bus is laughing too, with great fondness for their friend, or in Missy's case, an appreciation for a good scandalous antic.
Once the interview is finished, everyone heads off to their rooms except for Theo, Nardole and Bill. Mainly because they'd ended up in a comfy setup where Bill and Nardole were on each side of Theo, heads on his shoulders. No one seems overly keen on moving.
"Your wife is the best," Bill says, absently. "Wife goals, honestly." She says that, and yet, she's thinking about Star Girl again. Sappy gay - no, sappy sapphic, ha! - fantastical thoughts that she's too tired to not indulge.
"I know," Theo says, only a hint of smugness in his drowsy voice.
Bill eventually gets up and stretches, but finds herself too taken with the image before her. Nardole is happily snuggled up to Theo's side, and both of them have completely dozed off.
Bill takes a picture and posts it to Instagram.
pottsalotts - they're so cute, help #eventhorizon #theodole
Instantly, responses flood in, as her Instagram is linked to her twitter.
whifferdills - my boys!
crystal-ss - awwwwwwww
yikes_lou - this is the wholesome content I'm here for
girldressedinblack - omgggg
hollowshadowwolf - this is too cute to be allowed
There are a lot of responses that are just a picture of the 'cutest shit I've ever seen' meme.
Bill creeps out towards her room, but comes to a halt when she hears strangely warm laughter coming from Missy's room. It's definitely Missy's laughter too, Bill's just never heard anything like it before.
"No, honestly, he did," Missy is saying, as Bill creeps closer to satisfy her insatiable curiosity. "The look on his face. Classic." There's a pause, and when Missy next speaks, there's a tinge of sadness to her voice. "Yeah, me too. You know why no one can know. I should let you sleep, though. Talk in a couple of days? Or whenever." Pause, and then she sounds happier. "Alright, tomorrow if anything of note occurs. Goodnight. Hmm mm. Love you too."
Bill stands outside the door, so bewildered she doesn't know how to think.
She's never heard Missy talk to anyone like that. Well, not anyone except Theo, anyway.
…. is it possible that Missy has a secret girlfriend? Boyfriend? Partner of indeterminable gender?
With how polyamorous most of their immediate social circle is, it doesn't make any sense that Missy would bother to keep something like that a secret, but then it is Missy. She doesn't tend to be forthcoming about any personal information.
The idea of Theo not knowing about anything this significant is simply too odd to comprehend, though. Maybe 'anyone' automatically means 'anyone but Theo' in Missy's books?
That sounds reasonable, which allows Bill to relax a fraction, assuming that Theo is clued in about this, but most of her is still consumed with bemusement.
Bill heads to her room and falls asleep with her head full of questions.
The next morning, Bill emerges into the suite living space to find their head of security, Jack Harkness, lounging on the couch with Theo and laughing about something probably wildly inappropriate.
"Hey, Jack," she says, and he beams upon seeing her.
"Well, if it isn't my favourite unattainable beauty," he says, making her roll her eyes and mutter 'men' on her way to make tea.
"What are you doing here so early?" Bill asks Jack.
"Couple of fans managed to track you guys down, I've been dealing with excitable teenage sapphics all morning and telling them - politely - that they have to wait outside, and that I can't promise you'll come down."
Bill feels that rush of warmth that comes with knowing that she's actually important and inspiring to people.
"Should I go too?" Missy has appeared, yawning and with her mass of hair completely disheveled. It shouldn't be attractive. It absolutely is.
"You're assuming she's going to go down," Jack points out.
Missy smirks. "She's the queen of the lesbians. Of course she is."
"Look, I know you didn't mean it like that, but if we could keep the innuendo entirely away from discussions about teenage fans, that'd be great," Bill says, frowning at them.
Theo nods. "Agreed."
"Sorry, Pottsie," Missy says, coming to join her in the kitchen, stroking a hand down the small of Bill's back and making Bill spill hot tea down herself. Bill bites her lip to stopper the sound of pain that threatens to escape her, and she hides her flush of mortification as she sees Theo snorting at her moment of gay panic.
"Don't say a word," Bill says to him. "I'm going to get dressed."
She goes back to her room and pulls on jeans and a colourful t-shirt, before heading back out and going into the bathroom to put on her makeup.
"Ready to go?" Jack asks, as she emerges feeling ready to face down some fans.
"You coming?" Bill asks Missy.
"I'll be right behind you, just need to finish this darling little cup first-"
"Missy, what did I say about the coffee?" Theo is already on his feet and crossing to Missy, who is now clutching the mug to her chest and putting on her best pout as way of trying to appeal to him. There's a solid fifty percent change it'll work.
Bill chuckles and leaves the hotel room with Jack at her side, and they head down in the elevator.
"How are things with you, anyway?"
"Oh, you know me, Princess, can't complain," Jack says, grinning. "How are you?"
"In a constant state of gay crisis," Bill mutters.
Jack laughs heartily. "So, the usual then."
"Pretty much, yeah."
The elevator doors ping open, and Bill and Jack cross the lobby, earning a couple of interested looks from people they pass. Bill's gotten pretty good at ignoring all the double takes, now. They walk to the exterior doors, where outside, a good dozen girls are waiting, and they squeal at the sight of Bill, who finds herself beaming at the sight of them.
"Hey!" she says, approaching them and giving Jack a quick look to let him know that she's okay as they all start to surround her.
"Hi!" several of them say, looking to be near bursting with excitement.
"Is it just you?" someone asks.
"I was told it was mostly a bunch of baby sapphics down here, so yeah, just me," Bill says with a grin, and they all laugh. "Missy said she would follow us down, but she's in trouble with Theo for drinking coffee, so it might be a while."
"Can't she just drink what she likes?"
"Nope, because she's a glorified nutcase and her having coffee means none of us will get any rest for the whole day," Bill says flatly, even if she appreciates the feminist attitude behind the question.
The fans all seem to find that very amusing, and she goes about getting selfies with them all, and signing photos and albums they've brought.
"You guys coming to the show tonight?" she asks.
They all nod eagerly.
"How's your song coming?" asks a girl who has been quiet up until this point.
"Gay snail pace," Bill replies, sighing. "Writing songs is so difficult, I swear, I appreciate Theo and Missy so much more, now."
"Is the song for Missy?"
Bill just grins. "Come on, that'd be telling."
"Did I hear my name?"
Missy, naturally, can't make an entrance in any other way but striding through the doors and spreading her arms in a 'yes, I'm here' gesture that has Bill rolling her eyes. Stupid smug hot asshole.
The girls erupt into squeals again and most of them run over to her.
"Not under her spell?" Bill asks the one girl who is left standing by her. She'd been the one to ask about why Theo had anything to do with what Missy was allowed to drink.
The girl, who has dark skin and microbraids spilling down her back, just shrugs. "Don't get me wrong, she's wicked," she says, grinning. "But now I get to talk to you by myself because they all got totally gay distracted. So who's the real winner?"
Bill chuckles. "You'll go far. What's your name?"
"Tanya. I've got a VIP ticket for tonight, so I guess I'll see you later. I'm really keen to meet Theo, he seems really cool," she says.
"Cool is one word, giant nerd are two more that work," Bill replies, earning a little snort from Tanya.
"Well, I'm a giant nerd, so that works."
"Honestly, so are all of us," Bill says. "I'll never quite be sure how a group of hugely queer nerds got to be so popular."
"It's because we're pretty," Missy says, as she comes to join them, bringing the other fans with her. "Well, three of us, anyway. But Nardole makes his own weird thing work."
Bill laughs. "You might be onto something, there."
"Of course I am, I'm right about everything, all the time," Missy says, smiling at her. "Speaking of which, we've got a lot to do, today, I'm afraid, and need to be heading off." She turns her attention back to the fans. "We'll catch you lovely dears at the show tonight, yeah?"
"Could we get a group picture, really quick?" someone asks.
Jack is more than happy to quickly snap one of the group, with Bill and Missy in the middle, and then the girls disperse as the three adults head back inside and towards the elevator.
"God, they're all going to lose their precious tiny minds, tonight," Missy says, shaking her head, sounding pleased. "When River shows up for Hell In High Heels, that is."
Bill, having been looking forward to their first performance of the collaboration for the tour, nods with agreement, and finds herself grinning. Things are always more fun with River around.
Also, there's every chance that Star Girl will be at the concert. The thought makes Bill's heart pound, and she bites her lips and curses the fact that this mysterious girl has such a complete hold on her, when they've never spoken two words.
But it feels like they've spoken so much more than that, with just their eyes. But how much of that actually happened, and how much of it has been in Bill's literal numerous dreams about her?
"Ooh, I know that look," Missy murmurs, and Bill turns her head to blink at her.
"You what?"
"You really need to get that song done, Pottsie," she says, patting Bill on the arm before exiting the elevator after Jack, leaving Bill to follow.
"Look, just because you're a literal goddess of the music world with your weird but super deep songs that you can write in half an hour," Bill tells her, with irritation, as they reenter the hotel room, "and your voice and your face and your fingers-"
Missy turns around to lift an eyebrow at her, and Bill realises that she's gotten slightly gay side-tracked from her original point, and groans, flushing horribly.
"Shut up," Bill says, covering her eyes and heading for her room.
"You're so adorably hopeless, dear."
"Shut up shut up shut up," Bill repeats, heading to her bedroom and closing the door.
She collapses on her bed and ponders the possibility of Missy being some kind of seductive demon sent specifically from Satan himself to distract Bill from ever being able to keep a coherent train of thought ever again.
Weirder things have happened, frankly. She's a famous pop star and lesbian icon, for one, which is still the most bonkers thing that could ever happen, ever.
Also, Nardole is a person that actually exists. That will never not be weird.
Thanks so so much for the reviews so far, I'm glad you guys like it! Let me know what you thought of the chapter and follow me on tumblr (evuilqueenofgallifrey) for updates and edits about the AU!