My eyes widen at the voice behind me. I refused to turn around or look up. All I saw was the cement floor which was littered with cracks and chips all around it. My dads shadow stretched and twisted in a weird shape eating away at my own shadow. I felt frozen in place and all I did was stare at the shadow that took over my own.
I decide what I felt was fear.
It was like the walls were closing in on me and my dad shadow ate me up. The fear I felt was suffocating me in this room, that was until a rough hand was placed on my shoulder giving me a light squeeze. "I see you still have that stuff animal" his words faltered a bit as he talked to me like he himself was struggling to even speak to me. "I remember your mother giving you that for your birthday."
I tightly squeezed my favorite stuffed animal against my chest. I was not comfortable with the pressure against my shoulder, it was unfamiliar to me and was not close for comforting. Then I felt the pressure harden on my shoulder as my dads hand squeezed tighter on my shirt with the little butterflies on it . Like he was begging for a response from me. This feeling was odd to me talking to my father made me nervous and scared.
I felt like he was a different man.
I started to doubt coming down here for comfort the feeling was too different. Nothing like mothers. Wasn't comfort suppose to be when you fall down and scarp your knee and someone close came and helped make it better? Calling for your mother who always came and whispered "Its gonna be okay" in your ear and kissed the edge of your knee to make it better. wasn't comfort suppose to be when you are awake in the middle of the night holding tight on to your teddy bear standing at the edge of your parents bed tugging on her sleeve to wake her up? When she does your mother is holding you tightly telling you all the nightmares will not harm you if she is around and she'll will always protect you.
This was two strangers seeking fake comfort in each other. Trying to cope with the fact that someone who promised to always be there was not. For some reason Ursi hated her mom for that but deep down she new it was the feeling of loss and sadness. Because she knew no one was going to kiss her boo boo's or make the nightmares go away. She realized that is why she came down these steps, she wanted that feeling from someone and maybe it could be her dad. A complete stranger to her was that comfort she was seeking. Ursi felt her self turning around staring at this man who owned the shadow that was swallowing her up. He had mess brown hair but it was obvious of his age for the amount of whites in his locks of hair. The little girl stared closely at the man face. He had stress lines almost everywhere and he kept squinting his eyes. She guessed it was from the glasses he wore but it didn't help the wrinkles forming.
Ursi glanced downwards at the man and spoke softly and quietly said "it makes me feel closer to mama." Ursi didn't have to look up to know that that he shifted away from her. All she did was watch his feet move in the right direction. She lifted her head and watched her father sit on a wheely chair or at least that's what she called them. So she followed her fathers steps and stood next him. Staring over the table at the computer screen he was looking at she held her breath for a second before speaking "papa are you busy?" she glanced up at him and saw him type away at the computer, not even looking at her. He spoke "do you miss your mother?" Ursi feeling a little braver spoke a lot more quickly instead of wandering in her thoughts "Yes papa very much….do you?" He seemed to injure her for a bit as he just typed away on his computer. To Ursi it seemed like a while of waiting. It was hard standing for a eight year waiting for reply and it made her more nervous so swaying to one side to another.
She focused on her dad while waiting for his answer. "I feel like I haven't seen you in forever, I have always been so busy around my lab for work, would you like to spend more time with your father?" Ursi felt a smile crack on her lips. If she was older would have thought about it or maybe yelled at him for the lack of him being in her life but she was eight and him saying he wanted her around was enough to make her smile.
"more then anything papa." The man finally stopped typing and turned his head to Ursi. She felt both his rough hands being placed on her shoulders giving them a squeeze once again. "It would mean the world to me!" his one hand moved it's way up and ruffled her hair messing up her long locks. Just as the happy feeling of finally having the comfort she craved for disappeared as her father turned around to type once again.
Ursi didn't know what came over her, was it the fact the she wanted love from him so bad or that he was finally talking to her? But Ursi grabbed a hold of his shirt and pulled on it hard. It happened to fast for her to understand what she did wrong. Her father whipped around and grabbed her little wrist, squeezing it tightly. She felt a slight pop sound in her wrist and it scared her to the point of her screaming and pulling away from him as fast as she could. In his eyes all she was a lost man with eyes she did not know. So quietly she whispered "Papa?" Ursi saw his eyes flicker and glanced down at her "Ursi I'm sorry" he reached out to grab her again but she took a step back and her dad frowned. "Sweetie you want to help me, right?" The little girl was loss for words, she was scared of him but wanted to be around him more than anything. So she nodded her head slowly while she squeezed her stuffed bear. She watched as he pointed to a wall behind her "There are files over there, why don't you grab one for me? It should be in a purple folder." Ursi nodded happily and obeyed what her father said and went over to where the file was.
They were in the big brown cabinets that had many files and books of all sorts. Little Ursi wasn't sure which file would be the one her father wanted. So she did the best she could and picked out all the purples folders she could and stacked them in a pile. She quickly turned around and head to were her father was working. He was typing away at such a fast rate. she saw his face leaning closer and closer to the computer. The light from the computer made part of his face glow in the flickering light of the basement. Ursi decide that it would be better if she would just quietly put the purple folders on the table next to him, so that she wouldn't bother him and that's what she exactly did. She slide the files on the table next to him as quietly as possible so that she wouldn't bother him. While she stood there a smile crept up on her face. She was happy because she had a feeling her life would get better with her dad finally being around. To bad good things don't last.