It had been five years since we left Charming. I guess this is where our story truly begins; we lived in Tacoma all that time. Jackson took the first job he could find, working long hours in the lumber yard, that is until we found out that Nicklaus, yes, we came to our senses and spelled his name more traditionally, has leukemia. At first, he reacted very well to medications and even chemotherapy but now, even that has since stopped being effective.
When we found out, it was hard. Financially mostly, that's when the calls started. The club would do anything, just like they had always promised but only if Jax was back in.
I cried for what felt like weeks, finding out that Nicklaus was terminal, then finding out Jax was returning to the MC and moving us back to Charming, but I cried the most this morning when I found out I am once again pregnant. How is that fair to Nicklaus. I can't bear to even speak the words out loud; I only nod when the doctor confirms my suspicions.
I drive back to Gemma's quietly to retrieve my son, who despite his terrible diagnosis and shortened life expectancy is playing happily in the yard with his grandparents. Ten months at best before I lose him, I can't imagine explaining to him that we have another baby coming home when he has to leave us. Life is not fair, but is abortion an option? I don't think so, everything in me says no but his little sad eyes will soon change my mind to yes. I don't even want to tell Jax, not that he'd notice much of anything these days. He's knees deep in club shit, trying to come up with just enough to let us take care of Nik comfortably.
Tonight we are supposed to sit down with Nicklaus and explain to him everything that's going on. How do you tell a five year old he's going to die? How do I tell him that we are having another baby? How do I tell him any of this?
I don't even notice that the tears are falling until Gemma knocks on my car window. "Come inside, baby. I'll make you some tea." I only nod, wiping my cheeks against my sleeve.
We sit quietly for a few minutes, both staring at the boys in the yard. I can hardly believe the sight before me. Six weeks ago, Nik could barely lift his head from his pillow, but since stopping the drugs my energetic child has returned. At first, I thought maybe the doctors were wrong but that's the delusional side of me. The hopeful side.
They assure me that this is often common and that in only a matter of time my very sick child will return and to be prepared for that day, until then enjoy the sweet boy I'm so over the moon for.
"What am I going to do, Gem?" I say, turning my attention to her and the cup of tea in front of me. I can hardly keep eye contact with her, I'm afraid I might break and share my unexpected news.
"You're going to what any Old Lady does, you're going to suck it up and take care of your son. I've been through this all before, or did you forget about my sweet Thomas?"
And there it comes. Word vomit. No, wait, actual vomit. I barely have time to hurl myself over to the kitchen sink. I'm practically panting as I come up for air. I turn the faucet on quickly, washing both my pride and my vomit away.
"How far along are you, baby?" She asks, standing behind me. I can feel her hands on my shoulders, rubbing them gently.
"Twelve weeks. I found out this morning." I sigh, "Was hoping I was just getting fat." My eyes brim with tears once again.
"Every child is a blessing, one way or another." She lets go of me, turning to the refrigerator. "The boy still likes lasagna, I hope." She sighs, turning the heat of the oven down to low.
"He will eat anything these days." I say, frowning as I see my son, plus one very over work and runned down father appear next to him and his grandfather. They enter silently; Nicklaus goes straight for the sink to wash his hands. That's my boy, always trying to keep momma happy.
"Smells stinky, Mommy." He says, plugging his nose as i turn the sink back on for him.
"That's cause I was flushing all the bad monsters down the drain for you." i offer him a small smile, he scrunches his little nose looking from me to Jax and then to his grandfather.
"So yucky!" He squeals, running his hands under the warm water. "Bye bye, monsters." He giggles, looking down at the sink I have him holstered again. Nicklaus is very small and blonde you see, the cancer meds really stunted his growth. He looks to be around the age of three. I pull him upwards, into my arms and carry him over to the table to sit on my lap. "Aren't you going to make daddy wash his hands too, mommy?"
"Daddy knows he better wash his hands, grandpa too!" I turn to them sympathetically, the two of them rushing over to the sink. I stare at Jax for what seems like forever, unable to keep my eyes off of him. Can we really afford another child? Can he handle the responsibility of all of us on him? We both agreed once Nicklaus as sick that I would stay home, in three months' time Jax will be taking leave too. Well, as much leave as the club will allow him to. I just can't imagine bringing another child into all of this. I can't imagine the hurt look on Nicklaus's face when I tell him the news. Tears threaten to fall from my eyes but I push them back. I will not cry. Jax looks at me like I'm crazy as he dries his hands, taking a seat down next to us at the table as Gemma serves dinner.
We say a silent prayer at the table, beginning to chow down on Gemma's lasagna. Nicklaus's appetite is strong tonight, he wears a lot more of the pasta sauce then he makes to his mouth but tonight I don't mind.
"Nicklaus, come here." Jax says, patting his lap for him to crawl into. We all look from one to the other, my heart sinking. "It's time we had a big boy talk, okay?" My stomach and eyes burn simultaneously. Here it comes. "First, I want to say how much we all love you, isn't that right everybody?"
We all nod, I can almost hear the tremble in Jax's voice as he continues to speak. "You've been so sick for a long time now, buddy. I know the medicine they give you makes you so tired, and sometimes medicine just doesn't work the way it's supposed to. It's just not working anymore, Nik. I'm so sorry." Jax whispers now, holding on to our son tightly.
"Mommy, why is daddy crying?" Niklaus asks, kissing Jax's chin lightly. "Why is daddy so sad?"
"Mommy and daddy, grandma and grandpa too are very sad that we don't get to keep you as long as we always wanted to. God needs you; remember in church when they teach you about heaven?" Nicklaus nods, frowning.
"But I don't want to go to heaven; I want to stay here with you and daddy. Pop pop too." I try to keep my cool, which surprisingly I do. My tears can fall harder later.
"I don't want you to go either baby, but sometimes even mommy's and daddy's don't always get what they want. I wish I could keep you forever and ever." Nicklaus climbs from Jax's lap and into mine once again. "But someday real soon, you're going to go get to be with the angel's, my baby boy and you'll get to protect me and daddy. You're always right here, baby." I raise his hand to my beating heart.
"You promise, mommy?" He sniffles, digging his head into the crook of my neck. You see, Nicklaus never cries in front of anyone other than me, I'm surprised he even allows the tears to fall now, even though he hides them in my shoulder.
"Always, my brave brave little boy." I whisper, picking him up and carrying him away from the others. I look to Jax, who even as strong as he is, I can tell is fighting back the sobs I want to let out. "You know, as awful as everything might seem right now at least you still have me little one. Mommy will never leave you, ever." I whisper, rocking him back and forth in the room Gemma had set up for him. "I have a secret, Nik." He looks up, eyes blood shot and sad. "No more bed times, we're going to eat ice cream when we want, Nicklaus. The rest of our day's baby, they're going to be an adventure. me and you, my little man." He smiles at the word ice cream. I know it's probably wrong, but I don't care. From this day forth, what my baby wants my baby gets. I can't even bring the thought of another baby to his attention.
"Okay, momma." He says, kissing my cheek lightly. "But now, I'm tired. Can I go to bed?"
"Of course, baby. You want mommy to lay with you until you fall asleep?" I ask, carrying him over to the bed.
"I want grandma and pop pop, please." He whispers, "Daddy's sad, he needs you more." I feel my heart break as he speaks, causing my chest to sink heavily. "You go take care of daddy." I do as I'm told, not caring that I'm letting a five year old tell me what to do.
"Your presence is requested." I sigh, making my way down the hallway back to the peering eyes at the table. Gemma rushes to her feet at the sound of her name being called from down the hall. She and Clay leave us to it, I pull Jax by the hand to the couch, taking a seat on his lap.
"I'm not ready to lose him, darlin'." He sighs, rubbing my back gently.
"Me either, baby. Don't think I'll ever be." I let the tears fall freely now, "I have something I need to tell you." I whisper, burying my face into the crook of his neck just like our child does.
"Anything." Jax whispers, running his hands up and down my back.
"I'm pregnant, Jax." I quietly speak, afraid of his reaction but he only hugs me tighter. "I'm sorry, I know we can't afford this. It's not fair to Nik either. What do I do?"
"You don't do anything, this is our baby. Nik will understand, he will love him or her very much for as long as he can. I got this baby doll, don't worry. I'll always take care of my family." He sighs, leaning back against the couch. "A baby." He whispers.