Nicklaus sits with his head pressed to my chest, his ear pressed against my heart. "Thump thump thump." He whispers, lacing his tiny fingers in mine. "Mommy, do you love me more than chocolate?"
"Of course, baby. I love you more than anything." I say quietly, kissing the top of his peach fuzz covered head. Oh, how I miss his full head of hair.
"Even more than lollipops?" He asks, picking his head up to stare at me.
"Yes, even more than that." I chuckle, letting go of his hand to tickle his sides.
His laugh is animated and loud, filling the once quiet room with sound. I'll miss his sweet laughter. My heart weighs heavy as he fights for his breathe, leaning over in my arms he wheezes gently. "Mommy, stop! I'm going to pee!" He continues to giggle even through his shortened breath.
"Ew! No, don't do that!" I say, wrapping my arms back around him to bring him back to my chest. "You're my big boy, remember?"
"Yeah, yeah. I remember, mommy. That's why I need to tell you something." He sits up straight, "Now, listen up. I don't want to make you cry or nothing, mommy... But I'm gonna be away in heaven soon and you spend all your time with me, I don't want you to be alone and sad." He leans forward, kissing my cheeks softly. "I think maybe you need a new friend. Or maybe a gold fish, mommy."
Oh, my mature beyond years five year old. My heart sinks. It's now or never. "Well, Nick. There is something I need to tell you but I'm afraid it might make you sad." I pause for a moment, unable to think of the right words to say. "You're going to a big brother, baby." I finally spill, half expecting him to lash out I hold him closer to me but his eyes spark with interest. "That's a lot of responsibility you see, mommy's gonna need a helper to teach the little baby how to love me and daddy the way you do."
"A baby?" He questions, "Where's the baby, I want to meet him!" He squeals, "I can teach him how to play with all my toys and introduce him to Pop pop and show him how to take care of all my stuff while I'm in heaven." He hugs me tightly, kissing my head again. "Like daddy and uncle Thomas, mommy. Like uncle Thomas takes care of daddy and makes sure he takes care of grandma and Pop pop and all the flowers in her garden." He goes on and on, his eyes sparked with interest. "Mommy, you don't have to be lonely!"
"Just like Thomas and daddy, you're so smart." My eyes burn, tearing up for the umpteenth time. He jumps off my lap in an instant, hearing the sound of Jax's Dyna pulling into our driveway. I take the first opportunity I've had alone today to make my way to our bathroom. I never have me time anymore, what's a bubble bath while my boys play? I turn the water on warm, waiting until the tub fills halfway to dip my body inside. I would give anything for a bottle of wine, but instead my hands go down to the small bump that has formed on my stomach. I can't believe we'll be going through this all again in just thirty two weeks. I just hope Nick is around to share that moment with us. My family, my little dysfunctional happy family. Oh, the feels.
I get bout twenty minutes of quiet before I hear the little fists of my son pounding on the door, "Open up, Mommy! I got you a surprise!" He squeals, I can practically hear him plopping down on the floor in front of the door. "I mean, daddy did but I picked it out. We get to show you now." He goes on and on.
I wrap myself in my robe, letting the water drain slowly down the sink. I dry my hair quickly, letting it fall against my back. What on earth are they up to now?" I half expect Nicklaus to be planted firmly against the door as I open it but when I look around he's gone. I turn to Jax who's leaning against the wall, a small grin plastered on his face.
"You told him?" I nod, walking towards him. I place a small kiss on his lips, enjoying our brief moment of privacy.
"Ew, mommy!" Nicklaus squeals from behind me, giggling as he attaches himself onto my calf. "Only kisses for me!" I turn to him, leaning down to pick him up. I press my lips against his cheek, blowing a raspberry gently. Jax does the same, we stand there for a moment, just happy.
"So, where's my present?" I ask, raising an eyebrow at Jax.
"Why don't you go put on something pretty and meet us in the living room?" He suggests, hoisting his arms open for Nick to jump into. They walk down the hall together, Nick watching me as they move further and further, he sticks his tongue out at me. My heart melts.
I hurry into our bedroom, quickly changing into the only maternity item I kept from my pregnancy with Nicklaus, a simple green dress. I'm barely pregnant but even still it makes me feel closer to him. Reminds me of a happier time, a simpler time where I had everything I could possibly want.
"Mommy, come on!" I hear coming from behind me, soon accompanied by a tug at my wrist. "You're so pretty, mommy!"
I can't help but smile as my toddler sized child drags me down the hall. The lights are dimmed in our living room, candles lit, I feel two hands cover my eyes from behind. "What are you two up to?" I question.
"Keep em closed." Jax whispers into my ear, moving his hands away. I hear shuffling but do as I'm told, not opening them until I'm told. "Open up."
In front of me is my two boys, both on their knees. My heart drops, I can feel my eyes swell with tears. "Mommy, will you marry us?"
"Of course, baby." I say without hesitation, unable to say no to my little boy, turning from Nicklaus to Jax, he pulls out a ring and slides it onto my finger. We can not afford this, I gulp, looking down at the shining diamond. "Can mommy and daddy have a minute? I'd like it if you went and got your play bag ready to go over to grandma's, Nick." I say quietly, he doesn't even bother to respond, only excuses himself by running down the hallway. I turn to Jax, "After Nicklaus leaves, we need to talk." I speak quietly, avoiding eye contact with him. "You know we can't afford this, Jax."
"Spencer, stop it. For once in your life, let yourself be happy. I don't care how much money I've spent or how much debt we go into, you as well as I fucking know, you can't take it with you when you go. Did you not see that look in his eyes? Like he just made you the happiest you could be? Don't take that away from him." He grabs my arm firmly, pulling me into his chest. I hadn't even noticed I was sobbing.
"Jax." I whisper, closing my eyes against his chest. "Please, just take him to Gemma's. I can't do this right now." I pull back from him, my chest heaving heavily. "Please, just go." I cry, taking the ring off of my finger and placing it into the palm of his hand. "I will not marry you, not like this." I whisper, turning away from him, excusing myself to our bedroom.
I hear Nick running down the hallway, his giggles following his footsteps. "Momma!" He squeals, I can tell he's looking for me but for the first time I ignore his calls.
"Come on, buddy." I hear Jax say, "Mommy is taking a nap, you'll see her tomorrow. Grandma's in the driveway, let's not keep her waiting." A few moments later, I hear the door click and footsteps follow back towards our bedroom. I know it's Jax but I don't even attempt to go over and unlock the door, I don't want to talk to him.
"Really, Spencer?" Jax sighs, knocking gently on the door.
"Go away, Jackson." I grumble, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. "I'm mad at you."
"I know, baby. Please just let me in." He says, trying to turn the door handle. "You can't be mad at me forever."
"Yes, I can!" I cross my arms over my chest, I can hear him fiddling around with something in the hallway. Soon, the door clicks and opens, exposing himself to me. He moves towards me, dropping to his knees in front of me. His hands go to my middle, rubbing gently at my sides.
"Tell Mommy to be nice to me." He looks up at me, grinning.
"Do not get both of our children involved!" I say, scowling down at him.
"Baby, stop being so stubborn. I know you're worried about money but fuck, let us do something nice for you ever so often. I'm not marrying you because Nick is sick, I've always wanted to marry you, Spenc. I just want him to be apart of it every step of the way, I've had this ring for the past two years. I just didn't know when to give it to you, please just think about it." He sighs again, I feel my cheeks heat up, blushing.
"I do want to marry you, Jax. I'm just, I'm overwhelmed." I whisper, "Everytime I think about what the future has to hold, thinking about living life without my boy.
My heart sinks, I can't live a life without him. "Jax, I- I can't lose him." I whisper, "I can't function without him. I'm losing my mind, I wish it was me instead."
"And I wish it was me, but it's not and I'm doing everything I can for you and this family, cut me a fucking break. This isn't just hurting you, it's fucking killing me." He pushes himself away from me, standing and then taking a seat next to me. He plays with his rings, avoiding my stare. "I don't want to lose him either, but I can't lose you too. I need you to be strong, Spencer. I'm hanging by a thread over here, don't worry about money. We got money, just focus on making this kid as comfortable as possible and keep the one growing inside you healthy and alive. This is a fucking godsend whether you like it or not."
"I'm going to go make you some dinner, you look like you could use a shower, Jax." I say, getting up from our bed. I half expect him to follow me but he doesn't.
I start boiling water, grabbing pasta from the pantry. I choose Alfredo sauce, bringing it to a low simmer on the stove. I hear the shower running down the hall, if it were two years ago it would take everything in me to not run down and join him.
Sighing, I drop the pasta into the boiling pot. I turn it slowly, bringing the temperature down. The pasta takes about ten minutes, I drain it quickly, pouring the Alfredo sauce into the other pot. It smells delicious, but sadly I'm not hungry.
I feel his calloused hands reach for my hips, "I didn't hear you come out, Jax." I whisper, stirring the pot once more, he leans his head against my shoulder, his hair wet and dripping against me.
"Did I startle you?" He says quietly, his lips placing small kisses on the side of my neck.
"Only a little." I laugh, feeling more relaxed then our last conversation. "You hungry?" I say, stepping away from him, I turn off the stove. I walk to the refridgerator, going to grab the pitcher of tea I made earlier.
"I'm hungry for you, baby." Jax grins, approaching me once again. He's shirtless and sexy, wearing only a pair of sweatpants. I haven't seen this side of him in a long time, honestly, I figured he was getting some at the club, but I couldn't care less if it meant I didn't have to focus on him and could use all my energy towards Nick. Even when we did have sex, which we did, hence me being pregnant, it seemed almost robotic, not at all like the passionate sex we once had.
I feel his hands reach forward, cupping my core through my dress. He backs me into the counter, my ass hitting the marble topping, he pushes me up onto it, my dress rising with me. "You're still so sexy, Darlin'." He groans quietly, his lips returning to my neck. His hands move to my hips, gripping my panties in his hands he pulls them down, parting my legs as he does so.
"Jax, your dinner is going to get cold." I try to stop him, but he hushes me with his lips, biting gently against my bottom lip.
"I don't give a fuck about dinner, I want you, you dirty sexy woman." He grins, wiping away a smudge of Alfredo sauce that somehow ended up on my cheek. He puts his finger to my lips, pushing the Alfredo sauce covered digit into my mouth. I suck on his finger gently, tilting my head backwards against the counter.
"Mhm." I mumble, feeling his lips reach for my collarbone. He nibbles gently against me, pushing his hips against mine. I wrap my legs around his waist, pushing gently down on his sweatpants. He's hard and ready, like he's always been. I move my hands down to free him, hearing his pants hit the floor. He's pushes against my center again, this time his cock pulsing against my clit.
"Fuck, baby." He groans, pushing himself into me. "I missed this." He says lowly, practically hissing as he pumps in and out of me. His hands brace the counter and then my ass, tilting my body as he rocks in and out of me.
"I miss you, Jax." I moan, moving my hands to his hair. I pull his face towards mine, kissing him again. It feels like the first time, my heart is full of lust. He traces his tongue against my bottom lip, parting them for his pleasure. I feel myself on the verge of cumming, his hands move from my ass to my chest, squeezing firmly. Our hips rock together, slowly I reach my peak. I moan loudly against his lips, him slamming his hips into mine. He keeps up his pace, causing me to go over the edge again.
"Fuck, baby." I moan again, tilting my head back against the cabinet. He bucks his hips against mine, circling his groin against mine. "I love you, I love you, I love you." I'm panting.
"I love you too, baby." He slams into me again, in the distance I hear my phone ringing but I choose to ignore it, instead we ride out his orgasm together.
He rests his forehead against mine, both of our breathing shallow and rushed. My phone continues to ring, pulling me back into reality. I push lightly against Jax's chest, "Grab yourself a bowl of food, baby. I gotta take this."
I push myself off of the counter, picking my panties up off the floor, I pull them back up and over my hips. My phone continues to ring even as I pick it up, it's Gemma. My heart drops. "Is everything alright?" I say instantly, waiting for her response. "Gemma, is Nick okay?"
"Nick has been rushed to the hospital baby, he had a seizure. You need to get over here, now!"