Chapter Twenty-Three:
Patrick made his way to the hospital the next day. He heard Robin was back and he was concerned about her health. He also needed to see what she wanted to do with Emma; if she wanted her to visit or not.
He walked to the hall she was on and ran into Mark, who was rushing out.
"Whoa, is everything okay?" Patrick asked him.
"Sorry. My son is here and I need to go. Excuse me," he said and got into the elevator.
His son? Patrick wondered what was wrong.
He made his way to Robin's room and saw Jason sitting inside, watching her. He felt his anger grow as he walked in.
"What's going on?"
Jason wiped his face and looked at Patrick.
"What are you doing here?" Jason asked him.
"Excuse me? I'm here to visit the mother of my child. What are you doing here?"
Jason sighed.
"I think Helena is around. I'm not leaving Robin unattended. She risked everything when she broke free from Helena and that isn't going to go unpunished. Robin is vulnerable here and I won't allow anything to happen to her."
"Helena is here? Are you sure?" Patrick asked, his heart racing.
"I think so. I can't confirm it, but I have a feeling."
"A feeling? Maybe this is just an excuse to sit with Robin and keep her from her family."
Jason smirked.
"I'm pretty sure she doesn't need any help with that one. You did a pretty great job of alienating yourself all on your own."
"Whatever. I need to talk to her," Patrick said and walked to Robin, touching her leg.
"Why isn't she waking up?"
"She had to be sedated. She refused to stay in the bed and her temperature was climbing because of her stress. The doctor felt she needed to rest and he had them give her a sedative."
Patrick felt his heart twist.
"Why won't she sleep in a bed? What the hell did they do to her?" he said aloud, but mainly to himself.
Jason looked at his friend in the bed and sighed.
"I tried to stop them, but there were so many times we were kept apart. I know she pleaded with them and cried to stop. I know she stopped screaming, the longer they went after her. I know that I let her down in ways I can never undo."
"What do you mean? Please tell me what you know. I need to help her," Patrick said passionately.
"I can't. Robin needs to be the one to talk about this with whoever she decides. When I first met Robin and she was on that bridge, there was nothing I could say to make her believe in life. I needed to listen and let her tell me what she needed. You probably know, better than anyone else, how horribly she responds to being told what to do."
Patrick chuckled with him.
"Yeah, but she needs help. She needs therapy."
"Maybe," Jason said. "But she also needs her space. She needs you to back off."
"With all due respect, you aren't her keeper. I will do whatever I feel is best."
"Well, as long as it's about you," Jason said sardonically.
"You're an asshole," Patrick said. "Why don't you leave and go home to your wife?"
"I'm not leaving Robin alone."
"Ever? Doesn't Sam have an opinion about that?"
"I'm pretty sure you should leave Sam out of any discussions you have with me."
"Whatever. I'll stay with her," Patrick said.
Jason laughed.
"Right. I don't think so. You couldn't stop a fly."
"You don't know anything about me."
"I know you hurt her. I know you slept with my wife. I know you're an arrogant asshole. I also know that Robin deserves so much more."
Patrick made a decision. He knew fighting with Jason wasn't helping Robin. He knew how important Jason was to her. He knew one of the major issues he had with Robin leaving was his jealousy over Jason.
He was never going to make any headway with Robin if he didn't learn to change his behaviors.
"You're right," he said and sat down. "I fucked everything up. I'm grateful for your ability to help Robin because at the moment, I just can't. I'm trying to fix that. I'm trying to be a better man and a better father and friend. Maybe if I start to work on that, I can be someone Robin can look at with something other than disdain."
Jason shrugged.
"Robin is a very forgiving woman. What I put her through with Michael and Carly was horrific. I never deserved her kindness and to cheat on her with Carly, a woman she abhorred, well it was one of the worst things I could have done. She cared for Michael when she had no reason to. She protected him with her life when Tony kidnapped them and she never took her hurt out on him. When I cut her out of my life, it was a moment that could have forever changed our lives, but I realized, in time, just how important she was to me and how good she was to do what needed to be done."
"Why tell me this?" Patrick asked him.
"Because she forgave me and now we're family. Because she is one of the strongest women I know and I have never seen her as broken as I did when we were held together. It wasn't because of what they did to her. It was you."
Patrick stood up and went to leave when Jason looked at him.
"Sit down," Jason said. "Please."
Patrick put his crutch down and sat.
"I am trying to tell you that Robin is in love with you. She couldn't have been so hurt if she wasn't so in love with you. She is shutting herself down because that's all she knows. You just need to try harder. But if you hurt her again, I'll kill you."
Patrick knew the truth of his words.
"I know."
"I'll go and see if there is any news on Helena. Will you stay here?"
Patrick nodded and watched Jason walk out.
"That was interesting," Robin said softly.
Patrick looked at her and smiled.
"You heard? I thought you were sedated."
"I was, but I started to hear you guys and was afraid maybe I would have to break you up," she smiled a little.
"He's right," Patrick said softly. "As much as I hate it, I have a lot to learn about being someone you can trust again."
"Did you mean what you said?"
"Which part?"
She smiled.
"So there were parts you didn't mean?"
He chuckled and took her hand, his heart soaring when she didn't object.
"No, I meant them all, but I wondered what stuck out in your mind."
"When you said you were grateful for Jason and how he can help me?"
"I hate it, but I love you and if he can help you make sense of the hell you've been through, then I would swallow any amount of pride I have and get him for you."
"I wish you wouldn't say that you love me," she said and took her hand back.
"It's the truth. Why does that bother you?"
She felt her chin quiver and she took a deep breath.
"Do you remember the first time you told me you loved me?"
Patrick smiled.
"Of course I do. It was after surgery and we were arguing and I told you I loved you. You reacted in a similar way and left."
"Because I don't love easily. I don't want to hear those words because they don't mean the same thing to you. You can't love me and be with someone else. You may love the thought of being a family or the idea of having me home, but it's not real. It's insulting to think you love me and could do what you did."
He sighed and ran his hand through his hair.
"I don't know what you want me to say."
"I don't want you to tell me you love me. I don't want you to lie. You're angry with me. I think you might even hate me. I know you feel hurt and betrayed and abandoned. I'm going to work really hard on repairing that, but it's going to take time."
"I don't hate you," he said passionately. "How could you even think that?"
She shook her head and sighed.
"This conversation is pointless. I'm tired and you should go."
"No. I need for you to tell me why you would think I could hate you?"
"Because I told you I was hopeless and you accepted it. I told you I ruined everything and you didn't argue. I told you I didn't want a divorce and you proceeded anyway. Because you slept with Sam while I was trying to save her family. Those aren't the actions of someone who loves someone else. They are hateful and mean and I now understood perfectly just what my level of importance was to you. Now please let me rest."
He was quiet and then he nodded.
"Maybe you're right."
"What do you mean?"
"I think a part of me hated you. I think a lot of me hated myself for becoming so attached to you that it destroyed me when you left. I couldn't see you as a victim because then it made me guilty of lowering myself to everyone's expectations. I didn't know how to live without you. I turned to drugs and almost lost Emma and my career and I couldn't let that level of hurt happen to me again."
"What? You turned to drugs?" she asked, floored.
He looked at her and sighed.
"Yeah. I couldn't cope with your death. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning or go to work or care for Emma. I pawned her off onto Liz more times than I could ever repay and I lied and said I was taking shifts at County to account for my absence from GH. I sat on our couch and I watched your DVD over and over again and wished I could be with you. I wanted to die, too. I wanted to stop hurting."
She felt her tears fall as he spoke and her heart broke for him. She never thought about how much he went through not knowing she was alive. While she was fighting to get home, he was mourning the life they had built and the dreams that would never come true.
"Patrick, I had no idea," she said softly. "I'm so sorry."
"Aren't you going to tell me I'm a selfish prick who should have been able to move on? How Emma should have been enough of a reason for me to get up in the morning?"
She sat up more and looked at him.
"Of course not. Did someone tell you that?"
"The mirror. Your voice. Emma. Everywhere I looked I was reminded of our life together and the hopes and dreams we shared. I couldn't believe, in an instant, it was all taken away. I was angry and I felt like I was owed an explanation, you know? Every hallway I walked down at work I thought of you. Every time I passed a supply closet, I heard your laughter and saw you beckon to me. Every time I stepped into the OR, I listened to your guidance. At home, every piece of furniture reminded me of you. Every lamp and dish and picture was put there because of you. Your pillow and sheets and clothes were all reminders of how you were gone and I was left alone."
He got up and paced a little.
"I was broken. I know it's not right or fair and I don't know how I can ever make you understand what I was thinking, but I died when you died. The Patrick Drake who was your husband doesn't exist anymore. The man who pledged his life to you is gone. I'm trying to find him and bring him back, but I'm scared."
"I don't want you to find him," she said softly. "I am no longer the woman you married, either."
He sat back down.
"What do you mean?"
"I was confined to a disgusting bed for almost two years and tortured with electrodes and shock and starvation. When I refused, they withheld my meds and aside from the devastating effects that could have had on my HIV, it wreaked havoc on my body. I was so sick I could barely function and that just enabled them to beat me down more. By the time I could move again, I was so dejected that I allowed them to convince me I was good for nothing but their research."
He listened and he wished he could kill Jerry again.
"I became a doctor to help people. I wanted to find a reason or a cure so people wouldn't have to live in fear. I never wanted to design ridiculous experiments that cure deadly poisons or reanimate people. I am a scientist, but not a mad scientist. When it was clear nobody was looking for me, I began to help if only to keep myself sharp and alert. When Dr. Obrecht showed me the video from the Nurses Ball, I realized just how much I had missed and how much my family had moved on. It made me doubt everything I had ever known and it finally broke me. They had tried, for so long, to break me, and it finally happened. I am not the person I was before that, Patrick. I don't think I ever will be."
"And then you came home and I made you wait. I made you think I was conflicted. I solidified your belief that I had moved on," he said softly.
She sat up more and smiled a little.
"I think we both need to accept that our lives are on a different course than we planned. There were circumstances out of our control that made it impossible for us to continue alone together. It is what it is and I think for both our sakes, we need to close the door on our past and move forward. You have already begun to do that and now I need to do the same."
"Since you're making all of the decisions, can I ask something?"
"I don't need you to be an ass about it," Robin said. "I'm trying to be amicable. I don't want Emma to feel like her parents can't get along."
"I'm not okay with any of this. I don't see why we can't try to figure out if who we are now can work together. Why are we letting the actions of other people determine where we go from here?"
Robin went to respond when Mark ran into the room, obviously upset.
"I'm so sorry to interrupt, but Aaron was brought in and I can't find him. I keep getting the run around and I'm afraid something has happened. I don't know where else to go or who to ask."
Robin looked at Patrick and then Mark.
"Can I tell Patrick? He can help you."
"Of course."
"Aaron is Mark's son. He's 9 and HIV positive. They moved here so Aaron could be treated."
"His viral load is high and his CD4 count is low. He was resting in my office while I was consulting on a case and I was about to go get him checked in and when I went to get him, he wasn't there. I searched and found nothing, but when I went back, there was a note. I must have missed it before."
Patrick felt terrible for him. He couldn't imagine his fear if this was Emma and he instantly knew why Robin liked him so much.
"Let me see the note," Robin said.
Mark handed it to him and she was confused.
"Robin will take everything from you. I may as well start with your son. You'll learn soon enough."
"This is about me? How is this happening?"
Patrick took the note and felt his heart sink.
"I know this handwriting. I know who took him."