Bill and Missy finish things off with a shower together, which is nice and strangely hilarious since Missy insists on singing the entire time. Bill is relieved that neither Theo or Nardole are around to see them leaving Bill's room or entering the bathroom together.
They part ways afterwards to get dressed, but Bill goes to Missy's room afterwards, and watches as Missy pulls on heeled leather boots and zips them up.
"Yes, dearest?" Missy asks, without looking up.
"I guess I just wanted to say… thanks," Bill says slowly. "For… well, the best night of my life, probably. Definitely."
Missy laughs a little and straightens up from bending over her boot. She crosses to the doorway where Bill is leaning on the frame.
"And thank you for a lovely, lovely night," Missy says with a smile, touching her arm. "I do wish I could do more for you."
"What you did was… weirdly perfect," Bill admits. "I didn't even know that it was what I needed. Seriously. Thank you so much. You're a really good friend. A really weird friend too, mind, but a good one."
Missy looks surprised by this, eyes soft. "Oh. Well. You're welcome. Not sure I've ever been much of a good friend before. Not even to Thete, I'm a rubbish friend to him really."
"First time for everything," Bill tells her, with a grin, and Missy chuckles.
"Got me there." She looks back up at Bill, and reaches up to cup Bill's face in her hand. She kisses Bill softly, sweetly, and Bill kisses her back automatically. "Thank you for some truly lovely memories to keep me warm on nights to come."
Bill blushes a bit. "Yeah. Same."
Missy takes her hand and gives it a squeeze. "Come on. Time to face the boys, I think."
Still holding her hand, she leads Bill out into the suite's living area, where Theo and Nardole are in the middle of a game of chess.
"Oh, there you are," Nardole says, without looking up from the board. "Sapphic sex marathon over now, is it? Ow!" Theo had flicked his face, making him yelp.
Missy snorts.
"Morning, you two," Theo says to them both, ignoring Nardole clutching his cheek. He looks to Bill. "How are you doing?"
It should be weird, him asking that when they all know that he knows what she's been doing with Missy. Somehow, it just… isn't.
"Better," Bill says, honestly. "It's gonna suck for a while, but… I have you guys. I haven't really lost anything, because she was just some girl in a crowd I've never spoken to."
"We all know she was more than that," Theo replies.
Bill shakes her head firmly. "No, she could have been more than that, but she wasn't. It's as simple as that. And now I'm going to move on."
"Okay. You do what you need to do."
"That being your girlfriend, apparently," Nardole remarks, earning himself another flick on the face. "Ow!"
Missy moves to the kitchen to make coffee, while Bill sits down near Theo and Nardole. She takes a look at their chessboard, and tries to work out who is winning. It looks fairly even, since they're about as sneaky as each other, but Theo looks to have the edge, which seems about right. She spots a potential move for Theo to do, and has to clamp her lips shut so that she doesn't say anything.
"Did you have any missed calls this morning, Missy?" Theo asks.
"... yes."
"Call them back when you can, yeah? All of them?"
Missy looks at him, the smallest flash of worry in her face. "Is everything alright? Emil usually calls three times if something is properly-"
"Nothing's wrong. Or nothing major, just… you know, a typical hiccup." Theo glances at Bill and Nardole, then back at Missy. "I just know your voice would be appreciated, that's all."
"Of course," Missy says, with a rare seriousness about her. "I'll call as soon as the coffee's ready."
Theo nods.
"Has anyone ever told you that you two are like, too good at having conversations that withhold crucial information?" Bill asks. "How do you even learn that?"
"Rehab, probably," Nardole says.
"Watch it, egg boy," Missy snarls, her fists clenched at her sides, her eyes alight with an unexpected spark of anger.
Theo watches her, expression more guarded than before, as impossible to read as ever. "Leave it, Missy," he says. "You were an addict. That's not news. We've joked about it before."
"We joke about it on my terms, not his, he has no idea-"
"Because it's private, and as such, we don't talk about it," Theo agrees, his voice extremely patient, his gaze calm but firm. "Hence: he couldn't possibly have any idea. You know that, Missy."
Missy takes a breath and squares her jaw. "I'm going to make those calls. I'll be a while, probably."
She grabs her phone, hits a button, and lifts it to her ear as she stirs the coffee.
"Emil," she says, "sorry I missed you earlier, I was thoroughly preoccupied with something very important, but I'm now here and completely at your disposal. What happened?"
There's a pause.
"I see." She finishes stirring the coffee and picks up the mug, heading back across the living space and towards her bedroom. "And whose fault actually was it? Give me your proper, objective opinion, because let's be honest, we're rooting for a historically conniving side here. Which is hilariously wonderful, obviously, but it can make things difficult." Another pause. "I see. What does John think? Because he's the one that-"
She disappears out of earshot.
"What's all that about?" Bill asks Theo.
"It's nothing," Theo replies. "Just something back home. Nothing Emil and John can't deal with, really, but they like to ask our advice, sometimes."
"Right."
"Emil's the good looking one with the beard, isn't he?" Nardole asks.
Theo chuckles. "That's the one."
"I like him. I mean, he sort of terrifies me, but he's very attractive. Especially when he wears those glasses."
"He's also married," Theo says, lifting an eyebrow and getting up to head for the coffee maker. "And monogamous. And no offense, but he'd eat you alive."
"I know," Nardole says defensively. "Just making conversation. A man's allowed to look, you know."
"I didn't think he was your type."
Nardole snorts. "I don't have a type, it changes with weather."
The tour continues. Star Girl still is nowhere to be seen. Bill's heart aches, but fractionally less so with each day that passes. It's going to take a long while, longer than perhaps is logical since she didn't really know her, but Bill knows she'll be okay eventually.
The week in Utah arrives, and no one should be able to look that good getting out of a car in the middle of nowhere, but of course River Song manages it.
They're in some place called the Plain of Sighs, which sounds made up but apparently isn't, even though Bill can't find it on a map no matter how many times somebody tries to show her.
It's hot. It's remote. And Bill has never been more thankful for the tour bus and all of its comforts than she is right now.
River gives Bill a big hug upon arriving, which is wonderful, and she has Helen with her, as well as another woman that Bill doesn't recognise.
"It's good to see you again, Bill," Helen says, and after a brief hesitation on both of their parts, they hug in greeting. "I want you to meet my girlfriend Liv. Well, other girlfriend, since you clearly know the, uh, other."
Ah. Of course. River and Helen had mentioned Liv, briefly.
"It's good to meet you, finally," Liv says.
"Nice to meet you too."
Liv is about River's age, and while nothing particularly special to look at, has a kind of gravitas to her, an authority to how she moves even when just surveying the scenery, her hand on her hip.
Bill's into it. She's also into how Helen and Liv are holding hands, and how Helen is smiling at Liv like she's the most brilliant thing she's ever seen.
"Well, I suppose this place looks as good as any," Liv remarks, eyeing the landscape. "Why Utah?"
"Wish we knew, it seems to be some kind of weird inside joke between Theo and River, and honestly, I'm a bit afraid to ask," Bill says, making a face. "Just because they're... them."
Liv snorts at that. "Fair enough. I suppose it doesn't really matter. I'm just here to make sure nothing falls to pieces and nobody gets hurt."
"You're like, a med tech, right? What does that mean?"
"It's a fake job title we made up, because I fix the machines and I fix the people," Liv says wryly. "Seems to work okay."
Bill laughs. "I like it."
Liv smiles. "Yeah, me too. Now, come on, we need to pry the married lovebirds apart before they disappear on a spontaneous trip to Vegas or out their entire marriage to the world in one afternoon."
"You say the Vegas thing like it's happened before."
Helen makes a face. "Well, I could lie and tell you otherwise, but it wouldn't be true. I had to drag her out of the church and remind her that there was a reason the first marriage ceremony only had two witnesses."
Bill stares. "How did she take that?"
"She sort of… didn't. She just threw up in a bush and let me take her to a hotel to sleep it off," Helen says, frowning at the memory. "Come to think of it, I've no idea what happened to Theo that night. He just sort of… materialised the next morning."
"That's because I'm an incredibly handsome man of great mystery and genius," Theo says from behind Bill, making her jump and say 'fuck' extremely loudly.
Helen laughs. "Is that it?"
"Well, yeah, minus the man bit because that's rubbish," Theo says, shrugging. "Still. What happened that night is best left in Vegas. I didn't bribe Nardole to never tell anybody what happened that night to suddenly go sharing it around now."
"That was the night we met," Nardole recalls. "No way to start a friendship than with some moderate extortion, I always say."
"Why is everyone I know a complete basketcase," Bill wonders aloud, with great despair, staring off into the distance and reevaluating her lesbian hermit idea - this time: desert edition.
"I don't know, but we've got a video to film, so come on, you lot, let's get going," Liv tells them, fixing a firm look on all of them.
Theo looks at her and smirks. "Yes ma'am."
They head over to Clara, who is talking to Rigsy, their director. He's young, even younger than Bill, but that has no bearing on his artistic prowess and vision. He's insanely talented, no doubt about it.
"You guys head to the Sisterhood for makeup, we're good here, just going over some stuff," he tells them when they approach.
"Did you get my notes?" Theo asks him.
"Did, loved them, working it all in," Rigsy tells him, grinning. "It's going to be great, don't worry."
They all make their way towards the hair and makeup trailer, where sure enough, their head stylist Ohila and several of her talented sisters are waiting to attend to them. Ohila takes charge of River, who is the focus of the video, and the two of them laugh as they have a good old catch up, gossiping about Theo in a manner that has Bill occasionally staring at them with disbelief.
Ohila is… weirdly terrifying, and yet also capable of being extremely sweet. It leaves Bill's instincts around her rather confused.
When he finally arrives, Ohila berates Theo for being late to makeup, and pauses in her work on River to go over and quickly get him sorted, clicking her tongue with displeasure at him as she grabs hair products and combs her fingers through his hair.
Bill decides to livestream to Instagram. (How they have signal out here, she has no idea, Psi is some kind of miracle worker.)
"Hey internet!" Bill greets. "We're getting ready to film the Hell In High Heels video! Say hi to the team! These guys are what we call the Sisterhood, they're the most insanely talented stylists ever. Their fearsome leader is currently wrangling Theo into submission."
"Which, sadly, isn't as fun or naughty as it sounds, but just as entertaining to watch," River remarks, as Bill turns her chair and lifts the phone so it gets River in the frame, and behind her, Theo in his chair fussing while Ohila deals with him.
"Say hi to the internet, Theo!" Bill tells him.
"Really?!" he asks, glowering and trying to swat at Ohila's hand, only to get whacked on the head with a comb.
"He's so cute when he fusses," River remarks, and Bill shifts the camera a bit to get River in the frame. "Hello, internet!" She blows kisses at the camera. "I'm very happy to be back with my absolute favourite people."
"We're glad to have you back too," Bill says.
"Speak for yourself."
"Shut up, Missy."
The idea for the music video is straightforward enough.
It shows a storyline of the Event Horizon members at a booth in this obscure diner out in the middle of nowhere, all having a good time and chatting to the waitress (they've managed to convince Clara to play the waitress, just for fun, and she looks so adorable in the blue dress and sneakers).
Then enters the mysterious, gorgeous stranger in high heels - River, of course. Each of the Event Horizon members, excluding Nardole, then do their best to try and flirt with River, to varying levels of success. Nardole, meanwhile, is shown to be on Tinder talking to a weird assortment of people.
The whole thing is of course interspersed with shots of the group out in the bare terrain with their instruments, playing.
They decide to have some fun and actually play the different dynamics in the music video fairly honestly.
Missy, although not normally one to admit she finds River attractive, is convincing enough when it comes to pretending to look her over and going to flirt with her, and River gives as good back. Their chemistry is weird, but strangely compelling, and Bill feels a bit flushed just watching them. Their segment ends with Missy appearing to say something off putting that has River frown at her, and them butting heads a bit, resulting in Missy heading back to the group table unsuccessful.
Theo, of course, approaches River with a big charming grin but quickly becomes flustered and confused while she just laughs indulgently.
Bill, similarly, tries to be smooth and absolutely fails, but River seems vaguely into it.
The video ends with the band members pausing in their efforts to argue about who had done a better job, and looking in on what Nardole has been doing instead, only to look up and find River gone, mysteriously, and being vaguely dismayed about it.
Ashildr cameos in the background of the video, as one of the diner patrons, and can be seen flirting with the waitress, making Clara grin at them.
The musical sequences out in the open air are both more straightforward and more complicated, and it's a relief to get them over with.
By the time they've filmed everything, there's a wonderful sense of accomplishment to the diner filled with crew and extras, and Rigsy is grinning from ear to ear when he steps out from behind the cameras.
"That's a wrap," he says finally, and the room erupts into applause. Bill finds herself being hugged and kissed on the cheek by River Song, which is a bit overwhelming, and she's a bit relieved when River is replaced with Nardole.
"We did it," Bill says to Theo when it's their chance to embrace, and he grins at her.
"Yes, yes we did." He looks over at River, who is busy talking animatedly to Helen and Liv, and his eyes are as stupidly adoring as always.
"Was it fun flirting with her on camera?"
"It's always fun flirting with her," he replies, with a little grin. "But yes, that was an interesting new element. Was it fun for you?"
"Obviously."
Bill can't wait to see how it looks when it's all been put together and edited.
They spend one last night camped out in the middle of nowhere, and Bill spends most of the night walking out in the fresh air, taking it all in. She has a notebook with her and jots down song ideas as best she can by the light of her phone.
She crawls into her bed in the tour bus in the wee hours of the morning and knows she'll curse herself later.
Bill sleeps in until about ten, and miraculously doesn't feel too much like death when she wakes up. After getting dressed, she decides to ask Theo if he might help her with the lyrics she came up with last night. They might make a good songwriting duo, this time around.
She heads out of her room and to his door, and knocks. "Theo? It's me."
"Oh, Bill! It's open, come on in."
Bill opens the door, and immediately comes to a stop.
Theo is sitting up in his bed, shirtless, and being passed a joint by Missy, who is not quite covered by the duvet or sheets and is leaning contently against his left shoulder. On his right is River, whose extremely visible dark green bra leaves little to the imagination.
"Pottsie!" Missy greets, beaming at her. "You're looking radiant this morning."
"I haven't even showered yet," Bill replies, frowning at her.
River stretches, and yawns. She shouldn't be attractive while doing that, but she absolutely is. "What's that got to do with anything? A real woman has at least one layer of dirt to give her some character. You're gorgeous, darling."
"Right," Bill says, her mouth suddenly dry, "I'm just gonna… go-"
"No, no, don't be silly, it's fine," Theo protests. He takes a long drag from the joint and blows the smoke out into far right corner of the room, away from everyone else. "What can we do for you, Bill?"
Bill just takes in the scene again, trying not to get distracted by partly naked Missy - or rather, probably fully naked but partly under the covers Missy - and somewhat failing. Still, it's considerably better than awkwardly staring at Theo's chest, or River's, since Missy has at least previously given her permission to do so.
Missy winks at her, and Bill feels her cheeks turn crimson.
"This is ridiculous," Bill says, "look, just come find me when you're done with your stoner orgy, or whatever, okay?"
"Don't be ridiculous, that was last night, we're just winding down now," Missy remarks. "And watch the judgement in your tone, dear, it's not our fault that Song and I can't have sex sober."
"If you don't want to have sex with someone when you're sober, maybe that's, I dunno, a sign you shouldn't have sex with them?" Bill says sarcastically. "Or is that too wild a concept for you?"
"Don't be ridiculous, I've just had to spend days pretending to be besotted with her, I had to fuck that infuriating smirk off her face," Missy replies without missing a beat.
River smirks again, and Missy rolls her eyes, growling something at her in what sounds like Russian. It sounds like she is threatening violence. Bill kind of hopes it is violence, anyway.
"Behave, both of you," Theo tells them.
"I'm sorry, since when are you in charge, in this bed?" Missy asks, staring at him with near astonishment while River seems similarly bewildered and arches an eyebrow at him.
"I hate all of you," Bill mutters, and turns to go.
"I'm confused, what's the issue here?" Theo asks, sounding genuinely confused. "Look, I know they're both extremely annoying-"
"River, did that sound like a person who never wants to have sex again in his life?" Missy asks.
River side-eyes her husband. "Yes, it did a bit."
Theo ignores both of them and keeps his focus on Bill. "But you came in here to talk to me, didn't you?" River takes the joint off him and takes a long drag from it, while Theo barely seems to notice other than a single glance in her direction before his eyes are back on Bill, as sincere as ever. "Well, I'm here. Shoot."
"God, I swear, sometimes it's like you're an alien or something. I'm going. Find me later," Bill tells him, before shutting the door and walking away.
Hopefully she can find a coffee strong enough to work as a bleach for her brain.
Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you thought!