Don't ask how this came into being. The AO3 version of this story is much richer (and neater) than this one bc of the lack of formatting limitations, so the Buzzfeed article looked like a real one with a bunch of images and a couple of gifs, and I made a fake tweet for it that somehow led... to this shitpost of a chapter, as my girlfriend put it.
Enjoy the madness.
"Missy!"
Bill had been minding her own business, reading a nice relaxing lesbian novel she'd picked up while in Florida, when Clara Oswald storms onto the tour bus. She's five foot and one inch of pure exasperation, her face plastered with the expression of someone who is just so completely done.
"Where is she," Clara seethes.
"Uh," Bill says, mind blanking a bit as she tries to think what Missy could possibly have done now. "Why?"
"Check your phone-"
"Clara, so lovely to hear your dulcet tones in the late morning," Missy remarks dryly as she emerges from her room and heads for the coffee maker. "What brings you here?"
"You know exactly what," Clara says, scowling at her, before letting out an odd, hysterical laugh. "Why can't you just pretend to be normal? Just pretend?"
"Well, that sounds terribly dull-"
"I've just been on the phone with three different tabloids, because they were asking if it's true that you eat soap!"
Missy hesitates, and then chuckles. "Oh, that."
Bill, baffled, whips out her phone, and sure enough, finds a notification from Twitter, letting her know that Missy has tweeted. She opens it up only to nearly choke on thin air.
missymasters - I like my soap how I like my bassists - cute enough to eat!
"Missy!" Bill exclaims, voice coming out as a weird, strangled squeak. "What the hell?"
"What, it was a joke! You know when they make those gorgeous little soaps that look like a cupcake or a piece of fruit, and they smell amazing, and you know you shouldn't-"
"Please tell me you don't actually eat soap," Clara says, voice flat, sounding abruptly like she's had her entire lifeforce drained from her.
Missy snorts. "Don't be ridiculous. If you'd let me finish, I'd have clarified that you know you shouldn't, logically, because it wouldn't work, and so you don't, but you want to. Rather like me with our beautiful bassist over there."
"Yeah, except with me, you… did," Bill points out, making Clara sigh loudly. Her lack of surprise tells Bill that Clara has apparently learned about their night together. Probably Nardole's fault, that.
"Well, that was different, I'm meaning on a more legitimate, long term level, obviously," Missy says, rolling her eyes like they're both idiots and she's explaining a very clear concept and not the apparent abstract metaphor of how Bill is like a pretty soap design to her. (Which, honestly… is it a compliment, or an insult? Bill has no idea how to feel.)
Bill tilts her head thoughtfully, frowning. "Still implies you at least nibbled the soap, then, though, doesn't it?"
"Maybe just a little lick," Missy says, winking at her, and Bill briefly feels her soul leave her body as she buries her face in the cushions of the window seat and resists the urge to scream.
The sound of rapid movement makes her look up, and she sees Clara having cornered Missy against the counter.
"Shut up, just shut up!" Clara tells her, looking to be legitimately in danger of losing her sanity. "You are going to pick up your phone, and tweet clarifying that you don't eat soap. You're not going to say anything about Bill. And I swear to god if you ever put me through something as agonising as that fucking phone call again, I'll-"
"You'll what?" Missy purrs, smirking at her. "Pin me against a counter and get all aggressive? It's dead sexy, you know, I should annoy you more often."
"Don't," Clara growls.
"Why not?"
"I already do loads for you, I deal with every fan you've gotten too forceful with when they forgot about your rules about physical contact, everything you've tipped over whenever you've gotten pissed about people bringing up Harry Saxon, I put up with how mean you are to me, I've fielded question after question about your being an ex-cokehead, and I've kept all of your secrets-"
"You don't know my secrets, Ozzie," Missy says, narrowing her eyes, voice quieter. "It's almost cute that you think you do. You keep Theo's secret about his marriage, and you don't tell everyone that we've been in love more or less since childhood, but that's it. Other than that, you know absolutely nothing about me."
"I know you're hiding something," Clara says, swallowing. "Something big. You think we don't notice you going away and making secretive phone calls? How you get them from a Private Number? I know you think we're idiots, but we're not, and I swear to god if what you're doing comes down on all of us, I will make you wish you'd never met me."
Bill finds herself wishing she had popcorn or sweets. She's seen Clara and Missy butt heads before, and realised how evenly matched they are, but this is a different level.
"You know, you only just made it more obvious you know nothing about me," Missy says, voice still quiet, but now with a small, deadly edge. "Because if you did, you'd know that there's absolutely nothing you could ever do that could scare me. Not even a little bit. I've looked into the eyes of a monster and laughed. You're a pathetic little puppy who has no idea how cruel the world can actually be. And you're too soft to ever say or do anything that could possibly-"
The slap rings out across the room as Clara's hand meets Missy's cheek. The sound is loud and unforgiving, and Bill is vaguely aware of herself gasping. It sounds painful as all hell.
Missy reacts so fast that Bill can barely believe it. Without even a moment's hesitation, or possibly actually having started moving before Clara had even finished, she grabs Clara's arm, and spins Clara around, twisting her arm up behind her back until Clara screams with pain.
There's a moment of pause then, as the reflexive anger in Missy's eyes fades for a moment and she blinks, looking at Clara with something close to confusion.
Then her face twists again and she holds Clara's arm there, while Clara whimpers and tries to hold back the tears forming in her eyes.
"Touch me like that again and you'll find out why it took me so long to get out of rehab," Missy murmurs, voice hard, and so low in volume that Bill can only just hear her. "I found it so difficult to get along with the other patients, at first, you see."
She releases Clara and shoves her away, not hard, but just to get space between them. There is a visible mark starting to show on her cheek, and right before she turns around and makes a beeline for her room, Bill thinks she might have seen tears in her eyes.
"Fucking psychopath," Clara shouts after her.
"Oh, abso-fucking-lutely," Missy snarls over her shoulder, before slamming the door.
Bill stares at the door for a moment before looking at Clara, feeling so stunned that she doesn't know what to say. She knows she should get up, go to Clara, and more physically check that she's alright, but she can't bring her limbs to move. She's in shock.
"Are you okay?" Bill asks tentatively.
"Fine," Clara mutters, wiping at her eyes with the hand Missy hadn't grabbed. She flexes her other wrist and winces. "God, I can't stand her sometimes. Or most of the time. I dunno."
"I've never seen her like that before," Bill says, and then swallows. "But then, I've never seen anyone hit her before either."
Clara makes a face. "Yeah, I… I shouldn't have done that. It wasn't just wrong of me, it was fucking stupid of me to think she wouldn't retaliate, and be so much worse." Then her face twists and she slams her untouched hand onto the counter. "God, what the fuck is her problem?!"
She catches sight of something through the window, and her face shifts a little.
"Look, I'll catch you later," she says, before hurrying out of the bus.
Bill watches her go, and gets up from her seat about after ten seconds of mulling it all over. As terrifying as it had been to watch, she knows she needs to check on Missy.
Before she can get further than a few steps, though, Theo comes into the tour bus, a phone to his ear, his focus completely on the Rubik's cube he's trying to do with one hand.
"I know, me too, but we'll be coming back for Glastonbury soon, not long now," he is saying into the phone, with his softer voice and the warm look in his eyes that Bill has only ever observed him using when talking to River, and maybe herself once or twice. "Yes, I promise, we'll work something out, even if it's tricky. I miss you too. Yep. Love you too. And for god's sake, stay out of trouble. Stop laughing. No, really, I - oh, nevermind, what's the point? Say hi to Emil and John for me. Talk soon."
He hangs up, and Bill blinks at him. She's never actually heard him say I love you to anyone before. To be fair, she's fairly sure that's just because he's a fairly private person who doesn't like flaunting those aspects of his life. He doesn't actually seem to have noticed she's in the room, which would explain a lot.
"Cute," Bill says, with a little smile, as a way of announcing her presence.
"What?" Theo says, looking up from the Rubik's cube and doing a double take upon seeing her. "Oh, Bill. Hello."
"Did you seriously just try and tell River to stay out of trouble?" Bill asks. "Because, wow, surely after what, fifteen years of marriage or near enough, you'd have learned to stop beating that dead horse with a stick."
He blinks at her, looking confused for a moment before his eyes widen. "Oh, yes, right!" He shrugs, giving a sheepish grin. "It's an eternal losing battle, it's true. I'm surrounded by women absolutely determined to do the opposite of what I think is best, I'm almost at peace with it now, but sometimes I like to try, for old time's sake."
"Fair enough," Bill says, grinning. Her good mood fades when she remembers what had transpired right before his arrival.
"What? What's that face for?" Theo asks, frowning at her.
"Right, um, so," Bill says, biting her lip and shoving her hands in her pockets. "Not sure how to say this, but Clara and Missy kind of. Got physical."
Theo's eyebrow lifts. "That isn't news. They're been shagging randomly for at least a year now."
"No, god, not that kind of physical, like… violence... physical," Bill says slowly.
Theo stares at her, his blue eyes searching her face. His eyebrows furrow and concern and alarm flash across his features.
"What happened? Who started it? Is Clara okay?" he asks urgently.
"Clara hit first, if that's what you mean, she slapped Missy," Bill says, and Theo winces a little. "Basically Clara was pissed about that stupid tweet about the soap if you've seen it-"
"You know I hate Twitter-"
"Well, whatever, it doesn't matter, Missy was being weird and Clara had to deal with some stupid phone calls, and so she came in here and tried to have a go at Missy. And it was kind of funny at first, but then suddenly it wasn't, and they were getting up in each other's space and Clara basically threatened Missy because she's noticed her weird secret phone calls too, and is worried it's gonna be something that comes down on all of us, and then Missy got pretty sort of, I dunno, nasty and kind of… haughty, about it? It was weird and kind of scary in itself. But yeah, so she started saying some really mean shit, and so Clara hit her, and then-"
"Let me guess, Missy twisted her arm up behind her back, quick as anything," Theo says, swallowing.
Bill falters. "Yeah. How'd you know?"
"I've known her since we were eight," he replies, sighing. "I know her in every possible way. I thought that was obvious."
"Well, okay, yeah, true, but-" Bill doesn't know what she's going to say, and so shuts her mouth and mulls it over for a few moments. "I think you should check on Clara. I'm not sure if Missy injured her wrist or shoulder or not."
"Get Ashildr to do it, I need to check on Missy," he says, and takes a step towards Missy's door before stopping. "No, Ashildr will only get angry and come for Missy, and that's the last thing anyone needs. Get Owen, he's the trained medical professional on our team, after all."
"He's also a tosser," Bill replies, frowning.
"Yeah, well, too bad, he's part of Jack's team, I don't argue," Theo mutters. "Just do it, yeah? She needs to be okay."
"Alright, I'll sort it," Bill says. "You check on Missy. I know it was just a slap, but it was hard, and she seemed pretty… I dunno. She clearly felt strongly enough about it to do that to Clara after, so-"
"Do me a favour and never say the words 'just a slap' ever again, yeah?" Theo says, making Bill realise he has a point about that as he goes knocks on Missy's door and then goes inside.
Bill swallows and goes to find Owen's number in her phone.
missymasters - I like my soap how I like my bassists - cute enough to eat!
stirmypotsy (replying to missymasters) - what even is this tweet
rainbowrosie (replying to missymasters) - I'm yelling oh my god what
spacedracula (replying to stirmypotsy) - I think this is meant to be an affectionate metaphor of some kind
yikes_lou (replying to missymasters) - …. did Missy just admit to either having eaten Bill out or wanting to
queenbaloo (replying to yikes_lou) - firstly, yes, secondly, apparently she also eats or wishes to eat soap. I'd call this a mixed bag
saxonite - (replying to queenbaloo) - my god guys she's clearly being like, metaphorical/cute. Her and Bill are just friends we know she has a thing with Theo it's so obvious
songsmithfy - (replying to saxonite) - it's not that obvious Theo could just as easily have a thing with River
saxonite (replying to songsmithfy) - River literally said he's not her type and him and Missy made out onstage but okay lmao
angelbill (replying to saxonite) - look not to be rude or anything but can y'all take this somewhere else we just want to enjoy the gay implications of this tweet ok
doctahpants (replying to angelbill) - speaking as a Missodore shipper: what angelbill said. This is Potsy's moment just let them have it ok
girldressedinblack (replying to saxonite) - *eating popcorn watching all of this*
flossbucket (replying to girldressedinblack) - *plays Why Can't We Be Friends at full volume*
meme_face (replying to doctahpants) - look I get it, ships are exciting and all but like… why aren't we talking about the fact that Missy possibly eats soap
crystal_ss (replying to meme_face) - THANK YOU
yikes_lou (replying to meme_face) - because we're gay and the implication of her eating something (someone) else is too strong
crystal_ss (replying to yikes_lou) - … fair. Don't think it hasn't distracted my bisexual ass considerably bc it has I'm just intrigued by the soap thing
merganfm (replying to crystal_ss) - y'all have none of you ever seen a tide pod meme? they are the Forbidden Fruit missymasters speaks the truth
crystal_ss (replying to merganfm) - omg you read my mind I've been DMing queenbaloo trying to explain to her Kiwi ass what the fuck a tide pod is
punkprincess (replying to crystal_ss) - this is the funniest thing I've ever seen, the tweet itself and the ship war that's come out of this I can't believe
halflingashley (replying to punkprincess) - I'm pissing myself laughing rn this is the best thing to happen all week
starsthemselves (replying to crystal_ss) - is it bad that Missy eating soap probably wouldn't make Missy any less hot in my eyes
crystal_ss (replying to starsthemselves) - nope that's just relatable
meme-face (replying to crystal_ss) - I love her BECAUSE she's a fucking weirdo, it's almost the opposite of a turn off. Almost.
queenbaloo (replying to starsthemselves) - thirst for Missy? Having conditions? Too OOC can't relate
yikes_lou (replying to queenbaloo) - same here
angelbill (replying to yikes_lou) - I mean I can't say it didn't give me pause but my level of gay is too unwavering in the end
whifferdills (replying to mergenfm) - so I'm a bit late to the party here but Missy/soap and Missy/tide pods is a thing now
meme-face (replying to whifferdills) - where have you BEEN? A NEW MEME IS UPON US
stirmypotsy (replying to meme_face) - this is beautiful I support Missy/soap. Soapsy
crystal_ss (replying to stirmypotsy) - Missy/tide pods is a clear winner. Podsy. Clearly.
girldressedinblack (replying to crystal_ss) - *whispering* fight
angelbill (replying to girldressedinblack) - oh my god
spaceacepupper (replying to angelbill) - what happened here asghdjfkg
horizongal (replying to spaceacepupper) - hush Wolfie we're trying to make Soapsy/Podsy memes over here does someone have a free photoshop download link
halflingashley (replying to girldressedinblack) - the important question here is whether or not stirmypotsy and crystal_ss are gonna fight in a Denny's parking lot
crystal_ss (replying to halflingashley) - I will in spirit but I don't actually go outside there are People there and I'm not a fan
stirmypotsy (replying crystal_ss) - I mean I would but also I'd rather go back to the whole Potsy part of this tweet but I think the gay has been lost to the meme
yikes_lou (replying to stirmypotsy) - NOT TO US IT HASN'T give me a sec I'll make a group chat for those who would rather focus on the gay and want to join me and qb to yell
amatalefay (replying to yikes_lou) - yes pls
stirmypotsy (replying to yikes_lou) - yes!
stirmypotsy (replying to crystal_ss) - seriously though did Missy talk about the tide pods? No! She talked about the soap!
flossbucket (replying to stirmypotsy) - ok girldressedinblack where's your popcorn
Upon Owen's inspection, Clara apparently has a sprained tendon in her shoulder, but both she and Owen insist that she's going to be fine. All the same, Ashildr has become a sort of psuedo-bodyguard for their girlfriend, staying near her to ensure she doesn't exert herself too much physically and also to make sure Missy keeps her distance.
Days pass, though, and although Bill isn't privy to it, Clara and Missy don't seem to be holding grudges. She can't begin to imagine how the reconciliation conversation could have gone, but five days after the incident she finds them sitting at the tour bus table with tea and coffee and cake and making weird jokes about scheduling a time for them to properly just go at each other.
"You guys all good?" Bill asks them as she approaches.
"Fine and dandy," Missy replies, smiling and sipping from her coffee. "Now that Clara's lost her blue shadow, anyway."
"You can't blame Ashildr for being worried," Bill says.
"Of course not. But they can rather kill the mood with all that glaring. They're going to be cross with me for a while, I think."
"It's fine, I'll remind them that I was the one that went after you," Clara says, shrugging. "They'll get over it."
"It's only natural to want to eviscerate whoever hurt someone you care about, I'm not holding any grudges about them being cross, it's fair enough," Missy says, shrugging. "As you say, they'll get over it. Should I buy you apology flowers?"
"Bit overkill," Clara replies, snorting. "Besides, I was just as out of line as you were."
"True."
"You guys are weird," Bill tells him. "Like, I'm thrilled that you guys are alright now, but seriously. Everyone I know is so weird."
"Welcome to the tour bus of sociopaths, darling," Missy says. "You're not allowed to leave."
Bill frowns at her.
"No, seriously, I'm very attached to you, I won't allow it. I'd cry for days if you abandoned me." Missy clutches her chest dramatically and pretends to tear up.
"God, you're such a drama queen," Bill says, rolling her eyes.
Missy cuts her act immediately and glares. "Excuse me, I'm trying to be nice. Do you know how rare that is?"
"This isn't you being nice, this is you being clingy, there's a difference," Clara tells her. "This is why we could never be a couple."
"Because one of us would be dead within a week, yes, obviously," Missy replies, rolling her eyes. "And I'm not clingy. I'm passionately devoted. Or some other word that doesn't make me sound like a simpering blonde hanging off a man who looks like every single cast member of Forbidden Planet."
"You need to let your weird hatred for that movie go," Clara says.
"Nah, I'm with her, the idea that way in the future, the entire crew of a spaceship would be entirely white guys who look almost exactly the same, is just the most lame thing ever, it makes me wish I had a time machine so I could go back and deck whatever completely unimaginative white 1950's American bloke and his friends are responsible for that shit," Bill replies, feeling her energy perk up at the mention of sci-fi. "Seriously. Don't get me started on how they treat the singular woman in it either. I don't care if the storyline is based off Shakespeare, the only redeeming quality of that film is the robot and the weird soundtrack."
"Creating an atonal soundtrack from wrecking your recording equipment and playing with a bunch of wires and burnt out tapes," Missy murmurs. "Fucking inspired."
"Don't you get any ideas," Clara warns.
Missy shrugs. "Don't be ridiculous, I had my fun with that in the nineties. Theo and-" She hesitates before continuing, her eyes now downcast as she fiddled with the handle of her mug but her voice mostly unchanged. "Theo and Harry and I spent a whole week reading up on how they'd done it and tried to recreate it. What a mess we made. To little avail, of course, the technology didn't exist anymore, it couldn't really be replicated, but we gave it a damn good try."
"I'm so weirdly relieved to hear that," Bill says. "Still, that sounds super cool, actually. Is… Saxon a sci-fi nerd too?"
"He mostly liked to watch it to criticise the science, but yes, I suppose you could say he was," Missy replies, voice still a bit quieter than normal. With a little frown, she adds, "Is. Sorry. I've thought about him in the past tense for so long, it's still odd to think he's around again."
"You alright?" Bill asks. "Because… you realise he's probably going to be at Glastonbury, right? There's a good chance we'll… see him."
Missy tenses her jaw. "Yes. It hadn't gone over my head, don't worry."
"You gonna be okay?"
"I don't have to see him, if Harkness is any good at his job," Missy replies curtly. "It's my understanding that Theo asked him to ensure Saxon never comes anywhere near us, as soon as our first album blew up and we realised we were going to be in the same territory again."
"And it was my understanding that no one else is meant to know about that," Jack says, from the doorway.
"Oh yes, no, let's pretend everything's just dandy, what an excellent plan," Missy says sarcastically, half into her mug. "You realise it goes without saying that if you mess this up, Harkness, I'll have your kneecaps."
"Yes ma'am," Jack says, with equal sarcasm. "Relax, my team and I have got this."
"He's dangerous, isn't he?" Bill asks. "Like, actually dangerous. That's why you're doing this. Because you're scared."
Missy's eyes flash. "I'm doing this because if I ever see his face again, right in front of me, it's going to be greeted by my fist. Repeatedly. You know. Just to be polite. Have you considered I don't trust my own restraint, and simply want to avoid being sent to prison for aggravated assault?"
Clara's eyebrows lift almost into her hairline, and she sips at her coffee in what appears to be a way of avoiding having to comment. Jack just looks vaguely impressed.
"Right," Bill says, not quite sure what to say to that. "Well, I guess that makes sense too."
Now that the Clara and Missy tension is mostly gone, it's finally safe for Bill to sit down with Ashildr and ask them something rather important.
"Ash," Bill says slowly.
"That's my name, well done," Ashildr remarks, without looking up from their phone.
"Why are you encouraging our fans to fight in Denny's carparks about Missy and her weird relationship with soap and possibly tide pods?" Bill asks. Ashildr just lifts a singular, perfectly sculped eyebrow. "I'm not an idiot, 'halflingashley' is obviously you, since you said you play a halfling barbarian with a bunch of fans who think you're a girl called Ashley."
"They don't know it's me, it's fine," Ashildr says with a shrug, grinning. "My god did you read that thread? It's made my entire month. There's so many memes about it already. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me and it didn't even have anything to do with me, directly. Except the thing about the Denny's parking lot."
"You're English, dude, call it a carpark before I hit you," Bill groans.
"I thought I was the best thing that ever happened to you," Clara remarks from the doorway of Ashildr's hippie van.
"Well yeah, but then #soapsy happened and you were just never going to measure up," Ashildr replies, and Clara pretends to be offended, laughing and moving to tackle Ashildr slightly against the pantry door, tickling their sides mercilessly. "Oh my god, no-"
"Is this foreplay? Do I need to leave?" Bill asks, frowning at them even though it's really cute, because she's too damn paranoid with the company she keeps.
Clara and Ashildr stop, both giggling furiously, Ashildr having looped an arm around Clara's waist to hold her tight against them. (Sometimes Bill thinks half the reason Clara dates Ashildr is that Ashildr is the only person she could date that is shorter than her.)
"No, god," Ashildr says, shuddering. "That would be weird."
"Thank god."
"Can I please show you guys the Soapsy memes now? I've got a whole folder of my favourites saved."
"... fine."
"Have you seen that Buzzfeed article about you guys that just came out? They didn't even mention the Soapsy or Tide Pod thing, I'm so mad, what a coward's move."
"What Buzzfeed article?"