Family dinner.
The actual meaning of those two words together never registered with me before. I guess I assumed that having dinner with your parents and siblings is the norm and nothing that deserves its own term. I never had aunts and uncles or even grandparents. None that were a factor in my life, anyway.
We've been home in Twelve for about a week when we're first summoned to Family Dinner at the bakery. Even though Peeta is the youngest he is the only one of the Mellark children who has moved out of the house but both Scotti and Ryean have serious girlfriends. In Ryean's case it's actually a fiancée. He proposed to her on her nineteenth birthday right before the Victory Tour but it got overshadowed by Peeta's very public proposal to me and our short engagement.
It feels very awkward to arrive at the bakery as a family member, though I strongly doubt anybody in that household actually sees me as this. Peeta included. I'm not even sure how I should act when I'm around his family. They know our romance was partly for show but do they know to what extent? Do they think we played up something that already existed or do they know it was an act from the start? Then again I was the only one acting so perhaps they think it's all real, if exaggerated.
It's the first time I've properly met Ryean's fiancée Maggie and Scotti's girlfriend Allie. Maggie Abster is the daughter of a man who works at the Justice Building. She's got dark blonde hair cut in a short bob, brown eyes and has the relatively carefree way about her that in this district can only come if your parents have a job with close ties to the government. Allie Smith is the blacksmith's daughter, twenty-one years of age and with raven dark hair that reaches down to her waist. It's uncommon for a merchant class person to have hair like that but her grandfather was originally a peacekeeper and once his service was over he stayed in the district to marry the girl he loved. From what I gather she had no warm feelings for him but it was a safe income and a relatively safe life. She gave birth to no less than eight children, all inheriting his dark hair. The eighth birth killed her. It's one of those stories that makes me very uncomfortable, especially since people try to tell it as a love story.
To my relief Peeta stays near me. I was worried he might leave my side and go catch up with his brothers or his parents but I think he knows that I'm not comfortable and that he is my only source of comfort. Ryean and Scotti soon retreat to the kitchen to help their parents out but Peeta stays with me in the sitting room, talking to Allie and Maggie. He knows them both fairly well, that much I can tell. They seem to be curious about me, casting glances at me every few minutes, but they don't ask any questions. That's fine by me.
When dinner is finally announced we all sit down by the surprisingly large oaken kitchen table. Ryean explains to me that the table has survived from their grandparents' days, when three families lived in this house at the same time and a large table was needed. I can barely imagine a time when merchant folks had to live so many families in one home but I'm learning a lot of things about people in the town that I never knew before.
"Is it good to be back?" asks Ryean, setting a bowl down on the table.
"Yeah, travelling is nowhere near as fun as one might think" says Peeta.
They make small talk about our latest trip, mostly just about things like what the train is like and what the different districts look like. The bowls of food are being passed around the table and I can feel my stomach growling. I feel very bad for being disappointed when the first bowl is handed to me by Scotti. One thing I have grown pleasantly accustomed to is the good food in the Capitol, and the fact that there's always enough of it. I know very well that I'm looking at a feast by district standards and I don't want to know how much this cost my parents-in-law but in the Capitol it would barely qualify as a decent meal. There are ten potatoes, for a group of eight people. The vegetables are pale in colour and mostly consist of lettuce, cucumbers and what doesn't seem to be more than one tomato. The meatballs in the third bowl smell delicious but they're quite small and a quick glance around the table tells me nobody's taking more than ten or twelve when you'd need at least twenty to fill your stomach. I'm no stranger to leaving the table without feeling full but the reminder of how fast I'm getting accustomed to a new lifestyle surprises me.
"Of course, it was quite relieving to get some privacy" I hear Peeta say. "Before the Games, on the Tour, the time around the wedding, we were always surrounded by people. At least this time around we got some time to ourselves."
"When it's time for a happy announcement I hope you'll have the courtesy of telling us about it before we hear about it on television" says Mrs. Mellark. Somehow she manages to make the words 'happy announcement' to sound more like 'boring announcement'.
"There won't be any children" says Peeta almost casually, and takes a large bite of his dinner.
His mother freezes mid-motion and glares at us. I stare down at my plate, wishing I could be anywhere else in the world but in this room, having this conversation with these people. I can't even bring myself to eat even though I'm starving and I know Peeta's family must have gone to a lot of trouble preparing this meal.
"Excuse me?" says Mrs. Mellark.
"There won't be any children" says Peeta calmly.
"You can't know that."
"I can. We draw the line at being breeders for the Hunger Games."
"But there's no safe way to make sure you don't have kids" objects Scotti after a moment's pause, looking puzzled. "Did you get hit over the head with something hard when you were in the big city, Peeta?"
"There's one way of being absolutely certain" replies Peeta.
The implication isn't lost to anyone around the table and I desperately hope that I'm not blushing. I poke my food around the plate with my fork, feeling gawked at but by people who dislike me, not people who seem to adore me. So now all the Mellarks know exactly how much of a fraud this marriage is and how empty our lives will probably be. It makes me feel strangely sad to think about it.
"Geez" breathes Ryean. "I don't think I could do that. Live like that."
"You should have children, Peeta" says Mr. Mellark gently after another moment of silence. "No reason why you shouldn't get to have that."
"And have them served to the Capitol as lambs to the slaughter?" He sounds remarkably blasé about it which makes me uncomfortable. "No thank you. Besides, everyone around this table knows that the marriage is just a façade."
Hearing him say it out loud makes me feel humiliated, though I don't know why exactly. Of course Peeta's family would know the truth. I look up to see Ryean and his fiancée sharing a look and reaching for each other's hand. The sight makes me feel sick. The last people I want pity from are Peeta's family members.
"So have you two set a date yet?" Peeta asks his brother between bites, carrying on as if nothing big has been discussed.
"We're thinking April" smiles Maggie, giving her fiancé a loving look. "Before all the fuss with the Reaping and all that. I know that only gives us about three weeks but we figure we'll be able to have everything ready by then."
All the fuss? God I think I'll hate this woman.
"Katniss and I can get you a nice wedding present when we're in the Capitol" offers Peeta. "So long as you don't mind not getting it until after the Games are over."
"I don't want to listen to any bragging from the rich victor" says Peeta's mother in a surly voice.
Peeta closes his mouth tight and looks away. I glare at her but she ignores me, which is probably for the best really. If she gave me so much as the slightest provocation right now I could probably launch at her. My dislike for this woman only seems to grow every time I see her.
"Well," says Maggie with a small laugh, attempting to break the tension, "we're going to have children at least. A lot of children." She turns to me and for the briefest moment I feel fondness of her. I can see that she is uncomfortable too but she's putting on an act to help defuse the moment and I can feel a connection to her because of it. "I come from a big family. I'm the third child of six. I've always wanted a whole house full of kids."
"I draw the limit at four" says Ryean, shoving his last meatball in his mouth. "Unless I can find a good job once Scotti's gotten hitched we'll have a hard time supporting them. District 12 only needs one bakery."
He gives Peeta a pointed look and Peeta makes brief facial expression I can't interpret. I know he'd give his brothers as much food and money as they need if they were to ask for it but he's not likely to want to voice that right now after his mother's comment.
"I sincerely hope you don't plan on doing any baking" Mrs. Mellark says to Peeta. "Other than for your own household of two people. Taking customers away from your family when you don't need the income would be in very bad form."
"Is there any reason why Peeta can't help out here?" I blurt out. I know it's none of my business and I'm probably just making things worse but I can't keep my mouth shut when she's talking him down like that. "Like you said he doesn't need the income but we do need something to do all day. I'm going to be helping my mother out gathering herbs and the like. An extra hand working for free. What's bad about that?"
"Stay out of family business" my mother-in-law tells me shortly.
I turn to look at Peeta and underneath the table I reach out to touch his hand. My fingers barely graze his before he pulls away. He stands up, wipes his mouth on a napkin and announces that he needs to use the bathroom. I watch him go and even though I know he wants some privacy I have a strong desire to go after him. Anything would be better than staying here with these people, even though all of them except Mrs. Mellark are actually trying to make me feel comfortable.
Peeta says nothing while we walk back to the Victors' Village. His silence is unsettling to me. Usually he tries to at least make some form of conversation but right now his mouth is tightly shut and his gaze draws slightly to the left, as if he doesn't want to risk accidentally looking at me. Or as if he wants to be alone. I've never really wondered before if Peeta treasures solitude. He's always seemed so sociable – always surrounded by groups of friends, always seeking out my company. The thought that he might need to be alone from time to time just like I do is new to me.
"Do you want me to…" I begin, hesitating as I try to think of the right thing to say. "I could stop by my mother and Prim. If you want to…"
He shrugs.
"Do as you wish." He leans his head back and sighs heavily. "Sometimes I feel so… lonely when I'm around them."
"Who? Your family?"
"Like I have nothing in common with any of them. I know they're relieved that I'm out of the house. I was always just another mouth to feed anyway."
"Oh…"
What am I supposed to say to that? I've always known his mother was a witch but I try to be careful voicing my opinion in front of him. They are his family after all. No matter how much my own mother has disappointed me I wouldn't take kindly to anyone criticizing her to my face.
I reach out my hand and take his but he pulls it away. He scratches the tip of his nose and then sticks the hand back in his pocket. I hesitate for a moment but then decide that we might as well talk about some of the things that happened earlier tonight. I'm not used to seeing him in a bad mood but I suppose I will have to get used to it. He can't fake happiness all the time.
"Peeta do you think it was wise to tell them… the truth?"
"I try not to lie to my family" he replies shortly.
"Yeah but… in this case the truth is dangerous. To them as well as to you and me."
He gives me a look.
"I don't know why it embarrasses you. Everybody else is going to think we hardly leave bed. What does it matter if my family knows that things aren't that way? There are some lies I don't think I can conceal for the rest of my life, not from my family."
He's asking a good question. Why does it embarrass me? I avert my eyes and look down at my feet as we walk.
"I guess it's just… hard enough to know that we have to put on a show for the rest of our lives. People knowing that it's all a show makes me feel… It makes me feel like one more slice of my dignity is taken away." I look up at him but his eyes are fixated on some spot in the distance. "It's not all for show anyway" I say softly.
"No" he admits. "Just every significant part."
We've reached our house and I move to walk up to the door but Peeta stops. I turn and give him a confused look. Does he want me to go to my mother and sister anyway?
"Go ahead" he says. "I'm heading over to Haymitch for a while."
"To do what?" I ask, suddenly irritated. "To tell him, too, that our whole life is one big scam?"
"Promised him I'd help him clean up his kitchen. Though I'm betting I will be doing all of the cleaning."
That seems like a completely legitimate reason to go to see Haymitch right now. Still I feel like I'm being snubbed. Does Haymitch's kitchen need cleaning that badly? He never even uses it. More likely Peeta is going over there to talk about the things he doesn't open up to me about. I want him to tell me about his relationship with his family, something I don't even realize until right this moment. I'm very bad at handling situations like that and I have no idea what I would even say if he started talking but all the same I would like to be there for him and be the person he opens up to. But it seems like we lost too much by way of closeness on our wedding night and every time I begin to think he's letting me near again he seems to turn back to cold. Maybe he's just trying to cope, like I am. All I know is I don't recognize this behavior in him at all.
"I'll come with you" I hear myself saying.
"What? No, why would you want to do that?"
"I could help clean the kitchen" I say, walking back up to Peeta. "We can do it together. It will be much faster."
"Yeah but…"
"Unless there's some particular reason why you don't want me around?"
To my surprise his face softens a bit.
"Of course I want you around."
For whatever reason I can't stop the foolish smile that spreads across my face. I walk beside him to Haymitch's house, not realizing until we get there that asking me why I wanted to help out cleaning was a valid question. I'm not very fond of cleaning, even though I'll do my share of it. Volunteering to clean Haymitch's dirty old kitchen, however, is another matter. The smile drops from my face as Peeta raps on the door and walks inside without waiting for an answer. I wrinkle my nose a little at the smell coming from inside the house. Peeta already has his jacket on by the time I walk inside the house and he notices the look on my face.
"You really don't have to" he tells me.
"No" I say. "It's fine."
"Haymitch!" Peeta then bellows, causing me to recoil. "Where are you?"
"You know, from now on, I think you should stop coming over to keep house around here after you've visited your family" comes Haymitch voice in a droll slur. I look up and see him on the stairs, swirling a small tumbler with a handle around his finger. "You're not your usual sunshiny self when you've been to the bakery."
Peeta snorts and stomps off in the direction of the kitchen. Feeling unsure all of a sudden I slowly remove my jacket and hang it over Peeta's. I look up at Haymitch who is still standing on the stairs, looking amused.
"He always comes over to clean something after he's visited his family" he informs me. "If he wants to take his frustration out on my dirty dishes he's more than welcome to."
I feel irrationally annoyed that I didn't know this tidbit. Just like Peeta did I snort at Haymitch and head off in the direction of the kitchen, hearing our old mentor's bellowing laughter coming from the hallway.
Inside the kitchen Peeta is already at work collecting the dirty dishes. With a tired sigh he lifts a sock from a plate and carries it out of the room, heading in the direction of the bathroom where the washing bins are kept. Haymitch, who has followed us into the kitchen, leans against the doorframe and seems entertained by the whole thing.
"At least you can take comfort in knowing he's going to make one heck of a parent" says our old mentor. "Though disciplining the litter is probably going to have to fall on you, sweetheart."
I don't think I can handle one more person talking about us having children, especially Haymitch. I grab the tumbler and pull it from his finger hard enough that he yelps a little. The smile has left his face but he doesn't comment, watching me surly as I gather up the dishes. Peeta comes back and when he sees that I've taken over the dishes he bends over to pick up the various things that are strewn around the floor.
"You could make some woman in the district a very happy housekeeper, you know" comments Peeta. "Or at least a securely employed one."
"And deny you the instrument of venting frustration you so desperately need?" replies Haymitch. "Wouldn't do that to you, boy."
Peeta looks up from the pair of dirty pants he's fished out from underneath a pile of empty brown paper bags.
"You are too kind."
"This place is unusually filthy" I comment, filling the sink up with water and making sure it's hot enough to burn my skin. "Even for you."
Haymitch shrugs, watching Peeta as he leaves to put the pants in the hamper as well.
"The boy's been away for a while. Got married, or so I hear."
Annoyed by his dry comments I slam my hand on the faucet knob, turning the stream of water off.
"What is with you today?" I ask in a snarl. "I'm really not in the mood for any of your cleverness so if you have something you want to say just spit it out."
"Clearly visiting the Mellark clan has the same effect on you as it does on Peeta" notes Haymitch.
I scowl at him and turn my attention to the dishes. It's astonishing how many dirty dishes one man can produce in a little over a month. I never even knew he owned twenty separate plates. Peeta comes back and walks over to the sink, picking up a few misplaced items sitting by the faucet. He bumps into me and mumbles an apology under his breath. I feel uncomfortable again, as if the mere touch of his hip to mine is related to that thing we're going to have to do but as of yet have not.
"The love fest has cooled down, I take it" notes Haymitch, sounding less teasing now and actually a bit sad. "You know, I hope you two are able to find some way of working with this. Or else it's going to be a long life." Neither one of us answers and Haymitch pulls out a chair and takes a seat. "Did they make you consummate the marriage during the honeymoon?"
I feel my cheeks burning and I can't look at Haymitch or at Peeta. Peeta pauses for a moment and then continues picking up empty bottles and candy wrappers.
"Nothing happened that we didn't choose" he answers cryptically.
There's a pause.
"I hope you'll be able to have things your way" Haymitch then says. "Just don't be too sure about it."
"Yeah" answers Peeta shortly. "I'm taking out the trash. It smells disgusting."
"Great" says Haymitch, following Peeta with his eyes as he leaves the room. His eyes then go to me. "Katniss… If you two do enjoy what you haven't so far… I think your life could be more bearable."
"I'm not the one who refused" I say in a small voice.
"I know."