Chapter Thirty-One:
Patrick made dinner while Emma was doing her homework. Robin was asleep in the guest room and he had trouble keeping Emma away from her.
"I wanna show mommy my paper," Emma smiled as she finished her spelling sheet.
Patrick grinned as he ruffled her hair.
"I'll get her in a few minutes. She needs to rest and heal."
Emma sighed.
"I know, but I think she needs to be with us, too."
Patrick put the noodles on the table.
"I agree. Why don't you get washed up and I'll go see if she's awake.
"Okay!" Emma bounced into the other room.
Patrick laughed and knocked lightly on the guest room door. He didn't hear anything, so he opened the door. His heart jumped when he saw the bed was empty.
"Robin?" he went in and turned the lights on. He saw her curled up on the floor, her eyes closed.
"Shit," he said softly, his heart rate beginning to return to normal. He knelt on his good knee and touched her arm, softly waking her.
Her brown eyes opened and she took a minute to register where she was.
"Oh, hi," she said and sat up. "Something smells good."
"I made spaghetti," he smiled as she stood up, her clothes hanging off her. "Emma is excited to see you."
"Great" she smiled. "I'll wash up and be right out."
He nodded and went to say something else, but didn't. He walked out, determined to help her sleep in a bed.
Emma was dancing around the kitchen, helping Patrick put everything out when Robin walked in. She grinned at them.
"Well, this looks amazing," she said and Emma ran to hug her.
"Oh," Robin sucked in her breath and hugged her daughter.
"Em, be careful," Patrick said, noticing every line of pain that crossed Robin's face.
"Sorry," Emma said and continued to hold onto Robin's arm.
"It's all good," she smiled as they sat down. "What do we have here?"
"Daddy made spaghetti. He used a jar for the sauce, but we added the meat. I warmed up the rolls."
Patrick laughed.
"Em, you don't need to tell people I used a jar."
"I know, but she's not people, she's mommy."
Robin smiled and nodded.
"It looks amazing. I haven't had a home cooked meal in forever."
Patrick poured her some wine and she took a sip. Emma began telling them all about her day and neither adult was able to get a word in edge wise. It was familiar and strange and as heartbreaking as it was heartwarming. Patrick watched Robin and could read every moment of hope and sadness that crossed over her beautiful features.
He had never been able to read another person like he could read her. He looked at her and it was like her heart was sitting on the table. He could see her fears and her sadness. He looked at their daughter through her eyes and saw her hopes and dreams. He saw her glance around the home they built together and he could feel her isolation.
Every moment of the dinner made him more and more furious with himself.
"Daddy?" Emma asked him, startling him.
"Sorry," he grinned. "I was daydreaming."
"I get in trouble when I do that in school," she smiled and both Robin and Patrick laughed.
"I'm sure you do," he said and she looked at Robin.
"Do you wanna see the video from my school concert? It was last fall and you weren't here so you missed it. Daddy taped it."
Patrick got up to clean the dishes.
"Go ahead. I'll clean up."
Robin nodded and walked with Emma to the couch. She sat down and Emma put the video on before she sat with Robin and proceeded to narrate everything. She pointed out all of her friends and who was the class gossip. She pointed out the boy she thought was nice and the girls who were mean. Robin was overwhelmed by all of it and the magnitude of what she missed just weighed on her chest.
"This is amazing, Em," she said. "I'm so proud of you. You are such a wonderful person."
Emma beamed.
"Daddy said I have to be careful near Howard. He doesn't like how he looks at me," Emma said as she pointed out a little boy in the class.
Patrick finished cleaning up and he walked in and saw what she was saying.
"He has no personal space boundaries," he said as he sat in the chair next to the couch.
Robin smiled and nodded.
"Daddy might be a little over protective."
Patrick showed mock hurt.
"He needs to learn to keep an arms length between them at all times. It's not that difficult."
"I can't walk around like I'm flying. If I keep my arms out, I'll look silly," Emma said and Robin grinned.
"She has a point."
Patrick laughed and then tickled Emma.
"No ganging up on me."
"But mommy is right. I always have a point. I'm pointy."
The adults laughed and Emma shrugged.
"I think I'm pointy."
"You have many amazing points," Robin said.
Patrick nodded and they enjoyed an evening of lounging and watching television before it was time for Emma to get ready for bed.
"Are you going to be here in the morning?" she asked Robin after she was tucked in.
Patrick stood in the hall, hearing them but letting Robin have this moment.
"Of course I will. I think I'll be staying here for a few days."
Emma beamed.
"Are you gonna stay with daddy in your room? Maybe if daddy is with you, you can sleep in the bed. He is very good when I get scared. He always chases the bad guys away. He is very brave."
Robin hated how her daughter knew she wasn't comfortable in a bed.
"Don't you worry about me," she said and avoided the question.
"Okay. I think you should get a new bed. Maybe if you had a new bed, you would feel better. Like when I got a big girl bed. I felt very brave in my new bed."
Patrick smiled at his daughter and knew how amazing she was. They were so lucky.
Robin kissed Emma's forehead.
"Maybe that would help. I'll think about it. I love you forever Emma," she said and walked out as Emma went to sleep.
Patrick was waiting in the family room when Robin walked out. She looked exhausted and he smiled as she sat on the couch.
"She is quite amazing," she said as she sat down. "I would think, with all I put her through, she would be sullen or angry, but she simply loves me. I think about all I have to deal with and it doesn't matter, you know? I have a beautiful daughter and that is my greatest contribution to the world."
Patrick nodded, not saying anything.
"Are you okay?"
He looked at her and his eyes were wet.
"Not really."
Robin waited and he moved to sit next to her.
"I need to tell you something."
She looked down and sighed.
"No you don't. I realize this is weird; me being here in the house we bought together, but I'm going to figure something else out. I don't want to upset your life more than I already have."
"Are you through?"
She blushed.
"That depends. What do you need to say to me?"
"I'm sorry."
"You don't have anything to be sorry for."
He took her hand in his and she felt her tears fill his eyes.
"I'm sorry I never found you. I'm sorry I never looked. I'm sorry I let you down."
She looked up at him and he couldn't read her expression.
"You didn't let me down."
"I did. I knew you were in trouble and I didn't look for you. I ignored all the signs. I did everything wrong and I left you in a hell you can't escape from."
"No, this isn't your fault."
"Why do you keep saying that? Of course it's my fault. Robin, I know you better than anyone and you told me you needed help. It might not have been in those words, but you reached out more than once and I never listened. I acted like my hurt and anger at you leaving justified my ignorance of the issue. I went after Sam because I wanted control over something in my life, and knowing you left to save Jason made her the best option. I wanted you to know I wouldn't wait for you. I needed you to be as hurt and broken as I was. I used Sam to get back at you because I was destroyed."
Robin looked at her hands and sighed.
"You succeeded. I understand what I did to you and how far I pushed you. I see the hurt my leaving caused you and I feel the sadness and emptiness that our marriage left behind. I'm truly sorry for all of that."
"No, Robin, I'm trying to tell you I messed up. I was 1000% wrong and I want to know if there is a way I can try to make it up to you."
"It's not something you need to make up. Our marriage is over and we can't go back. I don't know why you think anything has changed. Every time I mention Jason, you still go crazy. You have such anger about him and it is only reserved for me. I will never understand that because I have never given you a reason to doubt me. I have never cheated on you or even thought of cheating on you. I know I kissed that guy when I was struggling with postpartum, but I wasn't thinking clearly. I just don't know why you have such a problem with my connection to Jason and went after Sam with no issue. I don't know how to look past that."
He nodded.
"I know that and I get it. What I can tell you is that I never felt like Jason was a threat with Sam. He was dead and gone and we were both grieving the loss of our great loves. We had something in common that I couldn't find with anyone else. We both had children and were struggling to make things work. I don't think I ever really thought about it more than that. You are putting these feelings behind what I did and I truly don't believe they were there. I didn't look at Sam as someone I couldn't live without. She was fun and she helped me with Gabriel's death. It just happened."
"Stone was dead and he was no threat, either," she said and saw him flinch. "Look Patrick, I'm not trying to drudge up the past. I'm simply pointing out the inevitable. We were bound to drift apart. This was always an issue and I think it's good it just came out now. We are not meant to be together."
"Dammit, Robin! You are acting like we didn't have 8 amazing years together. You're acting like when you were in the explosion, we were struggling together and that wasn't true. We were strong and in love and planned to be together forever. Those feelings haven't changed. Life has been so cruel to us, but maybe we can show the world and ourselves that we are meant to be together. I need you to try and see the potential and not the bad."
"I can't," she said sadly. "I can only see you with two other women in your bed. I see this house as a place you had other women over and I see the bed we bought together one you shared with others. I can't be that woman, Patrick. I would rather be without you than worry about you choosing me out of pity. I'll find someone else. I'll be okay."
"Is that it? You want someone else?"
"No. I haven't wanted anyone else since the moment we first kissed. I haven't wanted anyone else since I held you when your father was so sick and you were so scared. I haven't wanted anyone else since you operated on April and cut yourself and proceeded to live your life with dignity and strength until we knew the results. I haven't wanted anyone else since you held me after the Metro Court and told me the most beautiful words I've ever heard," she said softly. "Patrick, I've loved you for years and that hasn't changed. I have never let anyone into my heart the way I have with you, not Stone and not Jason. I have loved you through Leyla and Lisa and Sabrina and Sam. That's why I'm so angry. I feel like I've been the biggest loser. I deserve to be the most important woman to the man I love and if that isn't the case, I owe it to myself to close that door. That's what I'm doing."
He stood up and nodded.
"Okay. I'm done fighting with you. I will leave you alone and let you do what you feel is best. I'm going to bed. If you need anything, please let me know, but otherwise I'll be in the bedroom."
She wiped her eyes and looked at him.
"Okay. Thank you."
He looked at her for another minute and then walked away, leaving her sitting in the family room all alone.
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