Chapter Thirty-Two:
Jason walked into the penthouse after midnight and ran his hand through his short spiked hair. He had been walking around the docks for hours, just thinking. He walked to the stairs and turned to see Sam asleep on the couch.
Making his way to her, his heart raced at the feelings he had.
"Sam?"
She jumped and saw him sitting there on the arm of the couch.
"Oh, hey," she smiled as she sat up.
"Can we talk?" he asked her.
"Of course," she sat back and he moved closer to her.
"I'm sorry I've been so strange since I came back. I haven't really felt like I belong here and it's been confusing to me."
Her eyes were wet as she listened to him and she went to get up.
"I'll give you some space so you can figure out what you want."
He reached for her and she sat back down.
"I don't want any more space. I want my life back. I want my wife and my son and the life we promised each other. I want you, Sam."
She looked into his brilliant blue eyes and saw all she needed to see.
"You don't have to say that if it isn't true. I know I hurt you."
He smiled and stroked her cheek.
"You didn't hurt me. You thought I was dead. I don't blame you for moving on. I don't want you to be unhappy and I wouldn't want you to be alone. If anything, I was angry with Patrick, but I realized that he and Robin need to work on their own problems as a couple. I want to be here with you."
"I need to ask you something," she said softly.
"Okay."
"Are you in love with Robin?
He took her hand in his.
"No. I love her as my family and I owe her my life, but I am not in love with her. I am in love with you."
She exhaled and her tears spilled over her cheeks.
"Okay," she said.
"Okay?" he asked.
"I believe you."
"I hope you know that I am still going to protect her. What Helena did to her because of me can't go unpunished. More importantly, she is out there and is a threat to all of us. I can't let me guard down."
Sam moved closer and nodded.
"I agree and I'd like to help you."
He smiled.
"I think that would be great."
They smiled and she stood up.
"I'm going to head to bed, okay?"
He stood up and looked at her.
"I think that's a great idea. It's been too long since I made love to my wife."
She moved to him and he gathered her in his arms and carried her to bed.
XXXXX
It was 2 AM and she couldn't sleep, so Robin walked around the house in the dark and looked at all of the moments she dreamt about. She touched the dining room table and remembered picking it out. She ran her fingers over the china cabinet and smiled at the glasses and dishes she and Patrick picked out together.
She walked to the kitchen and looked at the stove and the counters and her tears spilled over her cheeks as she remembered the countless nights she lay awake, dreaming of being right here in this very place.
But her dreams always had Patrick welcoming her home.
Her dreams were just that, dreams.
She walked over to the bay windows and looked out. Perhaps she was being unfair.
Patrick had apologized and he truly seemed to mean it. She loved him and the more she saw him, the more she wanted him to hold her and love her.
But she was hurt and sad and angry and scared. So much that happened had been out of her control, but really, it had been out of control for Patrick, too. As much as he didn't want her to leave, she didn't really give him any choice. She just figured he would wait for her, but really, what choice did he have? She wouldn't let him come with her and she wouldn't tell him where she was going or when she would be home. Putting herself in his position, she didn't know if she would have done things any differently.
She flashed back to that final conversation she and Patrick had in that very spot.
Patrick: Get out of my house.
Victor: I'll be waiting in the car.
Patrick: Don't... don't cry. I'm not gonna be able to let you go.
Robin: Well, it's a little late for that. You have to let me go.
Patrick: I know.
Robin: I am so sorry.
Patrick: Me too.
Robin: I've never been sorrier for anything my whole life. I hate that I'm hurting you and Emma, and I... I hate that I'm saying goodbye again.
Patrick: We didn't get one last time, so at least we have that.
Robin: Yeah. It's no comfort, really, though, right?
Patrick: Not at all.
Robin: I'm not gonna be complete until I come home. I love you.
Patrick: I love you, too. I'm scared, Robin.
Robin: Hey. What?
Patrick: I don't want to forget how to love you.
Robin: I promise... I'm gonna come back to you.
Patrick: Don't promise me, okay? I can't handle another one that doesn't hold up.
Robin: Goodbye.
Robin wiped her eyes as the memories of that moment came rushing back. He was so mad at her and she went anyway. Maybe she could have done things differently? Maybe she could have found a way for him to come with her or at least help her.
They were both to blame and she knew that, so why was she giving him such a fight? Why was she keeping him at arms length?
He was right. They had a lot of years of really great times. There were struggles and Lisa was something that almost destroyed them, but it didn't. They had been strong and in love.
What the hell had happened?
"Robin?"
She turned and saw him standing there, his pajama bottoms slung low on his hips and his chest bare.
"Hi," she said softly, blushing.
"I was worried when you weren't in your room. Are you okay?"
She smiled sadly and walked to sit down on the couch.
"No. I don't think I've been okay in a long time."
He sat down next to her and reached to brush her hair off her shoulder.
"I know," he said softly. "I wish I could help you. I wish I could make you feel safe and I wish I could take away your pain."
"I've been doing a lot of thinking," she began. "I think I've been a little hard on you."
That surprised him.
"What do you mean?"
She touched his knee and he felt her all through his body.
"I've been very caught up in my own hurt and anger and I never truly stopped to think about what it must have been like for you. Regardless of how long I was gone, the choice to leave was mine and I didn't give you any options. That wasn't fair and I'm really sorry," she looked at him and her tears spilled over her cheeks. "I never meant for your life to get so messed up. I never meant to miss so much time with our daughter. I never meant to hurt you. I was so lost, Patrick. After waiting while you decided if you even wanted me and then hearing Jason was in trouble, I just did what I thought I had to do. I never meant for all of this to happen."
He reached up and held her face in his hands, brushing her tears with his thumbs.
"I know," he said softly. "It's okay."
"No it isn't," she said and moved his hands away. "I imagined our life together. Every night, I would lay tied to that filthy bed and I would escape by thinking about what it would be like when I finally got home and could be with you and Emma. I had this vision in my head of a perfect family and it kept me alive."
"And then you came home and it was horrible," Patrick said sadly.
"No. I was imagining something that was never going to be. I don't mean it like you might think. I'm saying that I had this image in my head that wasn't us. We always worked because it wasn't perfect. We fought and challenged each other and knew what it meant to fight for our love. I forgot that, Patrick. I built something in my head that was ridiculous and I should have trusted you to help me in the first place. I should have trusted you after the Metro Court and let you help me and instead, I made you think I was in love with Nikolas. I should have come to you when I thought my meds stopped working, but I didn't and that hurt you. I should have reached out to you when my parents rescued me and I didn't. I should have come to you immediately when Victor approached me and I didn't. I was so wrong and I'm so sorry. That isn't what it means to be in a partnership and I know that. I just wish I knew what to do now. I wish I knew where to go from here."
He couldn't stand hearing her beat herself up any more. He hated the blame she was putting on herself and it had to stop.
"You're wrong. You can't act like everything that happened was your doing. If I had been the kind of husband who was supportive and open, then so many things would have been different. You didn't come to me when Jerry threatened you because he would have killed Nikolas and you knew that. You always put your feeling secondary to those you love because you sacrifice things that others can't. You didn't come to me about your meds because you knew it would kill me if I found out Lisa messed with your health. You also didn't come to me about Victor because I had kept you waiting for weeks about Sabrina and then pressured you to have a baby when I should have been holding you and loving you and asking you about what happened while you were held. Not only didn't I ask, but I found out the woman I was about to marry was pregnant. I just expected you to be okay with everything because I was this prize that you won. It was arrogant and horrible and worst of all, insensitive. Robin. I love you. I was hurt and scared and lonely, but I love you. I have been a terrible partner and I am truly sorry."
They sat in silence for a minute and he reached to take her hand.
"Right now, at this moment, what's the first thing on your mind?"
She looked at him and saw only compassion in his eyes.
"I'm angry with myself."
"What? Why?"
"Because it's 2 am and I am sitting in the home I always loved and I feel like an outsider. I'm scared that every minute I'm here puts you and Emma in danger but I also know that it doesn't matter where I stay. If they want to get to me or anyone I love, then they will. I think about that and I wonder if I should just go find Helena and do what she wants so she won't be a threat to any of you."
He shook his head and she continued.
"I also wonder what my purpose is. I wonder if there is a reason I survived and if I should just let Jason do what he does and get rid of Helena. I don't even know what's right anymore."
She put her face in her hands and he felt his heart break.
"Do you want me to leave you alone?"
Her heart said no, but her head said yes. She was a ball of conflicting emotions and it was killing her.
"I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew what was right. I'm afraid I've lost that. I used to be so sure about everything and now I'm not sure about anything. I feel like I don't know where I belong anymore."
He faced her and cupped her cheek in his hand.
"You belong here. You are home and whether or not we are able to move forward together, this is your home. Emma adores you and you are home. I love you and I want you home. All of that is real and true and something for you to hold onto. You don't need to worry about anything other than this moment and then the next. Your life is going to be okay, Robin. I believe in you and I know you have strength in buckets. You will figure out what you want, I know it."
She reached to his cheek and stroked his stubble covered skin.
"Thank you. Thank you for all you've said and done. I hope you know how much it means to me."
He covered her hand with his own and smiled.
"It may sound hollow and weak, but I love you; beyond reason. I may have done a shitty job of showing you that, but it's never been truer. You are everything to me and that hasn't changed. I will just have to prove it to you again."
"I'm tired," she said softly.
"I know," he smiled as she lay down on the couch and he grabbed the blanket and covered her. He would sit there with her and help her feel safe.
It was the least he could do.