Chapter 8

Vader woke up early, and looked down at his wife in his arms. Padmé was still asleep, and for a moment he simply watched her. He was reminded of so many times before when he would watch her as she slept, hating the fact that he would need to leave her. He desperately missed being able to lie with her in bed, to hold her in his arms, to feel her skin next to his. Then you know what you need to do, he reflected, remembering Qui-Gon's words. You must embrace the Light.

Carefully picking her up in his arms, Vader stood up and carried Padmé to her bed, and gently lay her down. He pulled the covers up over her again, and then left her to sleep.

As he left Padmé's room, he sensed that one of his children was awake. It's Luke, he realized, recognizing his son's Force signature. He walked into the twins' room and saw Luke standing up in his crib. The boy, recognizing his father, lifted his arms to Vader. Vader smiled, warmed by the boy's trust in him, and picked him up.

"What are you doing up so early?" he asked as he walked out of the room with the boy, not wishing to wake up Leia.

"I'm hungry, Daddy," Luke said.

"Well then let's get you some breakfast," Vader said. Then he remembered the routine he'd watched Padmé perform with their twins many times. "Potty first," he said, feeling oddly silly about saying it. He set Luke down and the boy ran to the bathroom across the hall. After making sure that Luke had used the toilet and washed his hands, Vader brought his son upstairs to give him breakfast. See - Threepio had been in the kitchen preparing a meal for the family, and was quite shocked to see Vader appear at the top of the stairs with Luke in his arms.

"Oh! Lord Vader!" the droid exclaimed, dropping the spatula he was using onto the floor. "Whatever are you doing here at this hour?"

"Getting my son breakfast," Vader replied, setting Luke in his booster seat and strapping him in. He turned to the droid. "Is it ready?"

"Oh...oh well almost," Threepio stammered, bending over to pick up the spatula and washing it off.

Vader ignored the droid and went to the refrigerator to get his son a glass of juice.

Padmé woke up, and for a moment she wondered if she'd dreamed that Vader had come to her in the night. She got up and, after putting on her robe, went to check on the twins. Leia was awake when she arrived, but Luke was not in his crib. A brief moment of panic beset her, borne of the many years she'd spent hiding her precious children from Palpatine; but then reasoned that Luke was no doubt with his father. Sure enough, after taking Leia upstairs, Padmé smiled as she saw Vader sitting at the table beside their son, talking to him as Luke ate his breakfast.

"Mommy!" Luke said, waving his spoon at her.

"Good morning sweetheart," Padmé said, kissing the top of Luke's head. She set Leia in her seat beside her brother and strapped her in. "Good morning Ani," she said looking up at him with a smile. "How long have you two been up here?"

"Not long," Vader said. "I thought I'd let you sleep in."

"Sleep in? What's that?" Padmé asked as she brought Leia some breakfast. She sat down across from Vader and looked at him. "You must be tired," she said.

"A bit," Vader said, watching his children eat. "I'm okay."

"The men should be finished with the renovations today," she said as Threepio brought her a cup of coffee.

Vader nodded. "I certainly hope so," he said. "I'm going to go assess their work," he said, standing up. "See if the damn thing is anywhere near being ready."

Padmé smiled.

Vader headed downstairs where the workmen had just arrived to begin their day's work. They looked up rather nervously when Vader appeared, each of them looking at each other. Vader was suspicious at once.

"Lord Vader," the foreman of the crew began, "we need to tell you something."

"What is it?" Vader asked, sure that what the man was going to say would make him very unhappy.

The foreman glanced nervously at his comrades before continuing. "We've run into a snag, I'm afraid," he said.

"Snag?" Vader said. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that we don't have enough clearance in this room," the man said. "Something we...neglected to take into consideration when we started on..." his words were cut off by the iron grip of invisible fingers on his throat. Within moments he collapsed dead on the floor.

Vader turned to the other meant. "Get out," he barked. "All of you! Get out!"

The men ran for the door, not even stopping to pick up their toolboxes in their haste.

Vader clenched his fists angrily, fighting the surges of darkness that flooded him. He turned and looked at the dead man lying on the floor, his face blue. Another soul on my conscious, he reflected as the darkness began to abate.

"Ani?"

Vader looked up to see his wife standing in the doorway. She looked aghast at the dead man on the floor, and then up at him, hating to consider what had happened to him.

"They didn't consider the clearance of the pod when they started the project," Vader told her.

Padmé frowned, anxiety welling up inside of her. "You killed him because he made a mistake?"

"I...lost my temper," Vader said. "The frustration..."

"I understand that you're frustrated," she said. "So am I. But did the man deserve to die?"

"You don't understand," Vader said. "I can't help the darkness, Padmé. It's a part of who I am."

Padmé had no response, for she was heart sick by his comment. It was so easy to forget that part of him when she saw him with their children, when he was tender as he had been the previous night. But the dead body on the floor in front of her was a very real reminder of just how dark her husband was, despite how far he had come in the past several weeks. Fighting the tears that rose to her eyes, Padmé simply left the room without saying another word.

Vader stood in the room, alone, feeling remorse start to worm its way into the darkness that had filled him moments earlier. He looked down at the dead man, wondering, not for the first time, if he was capable of change.

"You are capable, Anakin, you just need to try."

Vader turned to see Qui-Gon in the room. "You don't think I'm trying?" he asked bitterly.

"No I don't," Qui-Gon replied. "If you were, this man wouldn't be dead."

"You don't understand," Vader said, turning away again. "You have no idea what it's like to be me."

"No, I don't," Qui-Gon admitted. "But I can imagine what it's like. I know how isolated you feel, Anakin. I know how painful it is to live in that suit, unable to live like a human being. But I'm offering you a way out of this isolation, don't you see that? But you need to be the one to make it happen, Anakin. I'm simply showing you the way to do it."

Vader reflected on Qui-Gon's words, the dream he'd had the previous night jumping to his mind. Am I capable of doing such a thing? Is the darkness within me capable of hurting the ones I love most? I must never let that happen...I'll die first.

"Then show me," Vader said at last. "I'm in your hands, Qui-Gon."

Qui-Gon smiled. "Call your men back to fix this, and to remove this man," he said. "Your children should not see this," he said. "And then follow me."

Padmé pulled herself together as she returned upstairs. Threepio had removed the twins from their booster seats and was clearing off the table when Padmé arrived. She forced a smile onto her face as she joined Luke and Leia in the sunroom, their favourite place to play. Sitting down on the floor with them, she pushed the ugly scene downstairs from her mind as she engaged with the simple play of her beloved twins. Both Luke and Leia had vivid imaginations, and were extremely curious children. They loved to explore, test and investigate everything around them. It was exhausting for Padmé as a single mother, but she cherished every minute with them. And so would you, Anakin, if you'd only try to change for them, she reflected sadly. She pushed the emotion away, knowing how intuitive Luke and Leia were, not wanting to give them any reason to worry.

Vader and Qui-Gon headed into the forest, to a clearing not far from the house. Qui-Gon sat down on a felled tree, and invited Vader to do the same.

"Now, before we begin, I want you to clear your mind, Anakin," Qui-Gon began. "Remove all worries and doubts, simply focus on the serenity that is the Force. Feel it around you, in everything you see."

It had been a long time since Vader had meditated in such a manner, and it was not easy for him. But he was a determined man, and he concentrated deeply, reaching out, for the first time in more than two years, to touch the living Force. When he did, he was astonished by what he experienced. The forest was alive with the Force, its beauty awing him. The light surrounded him, filling his battered soul with energy and purity, untainted by the darkness he had embraced when he had committed himself to the Sith. This is the true nature of the Force, he heard Qui-Gon's voice say in his mind. Embrace it, Anakin, it is a part of you...do you see your children? They are a part of it too, just as strong, just as brilliant as you... Vader's mind sought out Luke and Leia, and his eyes filled with tears when his mind touched theirs. They were playing, laughing, their joy innocent and pure, like the Force that surrounded them. They are a part of you, Anakin, Qui-Gon told him. Hold onto that...let that love you feel lead you out of the darkness.

For a few moments Qui-Gon was silent, letting Vader connect with his children through the Force. He sensed how moved Vader was, and decided that this was a good start. Now Anakin, I want you to picture yourself as you were when you and I met, Qui-Gon instructed. Picture that young boy, full of goodness, full of wonder and innocence. See him in your mind, Anakin, see yourself, as innocent as your own children are right now.

Vader tried to picture the young slave boy who Qui-Gon had discovered, but it was difficult. So much had happened in his life since he was that boy. Only 15 years had passed, but it had been an eventful 15 years. He had become the greatest Jedi in the galaxy, a general in the Clone Wars. He had married the love of his life in secret, and then, terrified of losing her, had sold his soul to evil incarnate to save her. And he had betrayed the Jedi, his brother, his best friend...

"I can't do this," Vader said, standing up suddenly. "I just...can't."

Qui-Gon let Vader walk away, knowing that he wouldn't get far. Sure enough, Vader had reached the landing pad when he was met by Obi-Wan.

"Let me pass, Obi-Wan," Vader said.

"I can't do that," Obi-Wan said. "Master Qui-Gon instructed me to prevent you from leaving."

Vader clenched his fists in frustration. "I have no wish to fight with you," he said.

"Neither do I," Obi-Wan said. "But Qui-Gon was quite insistent."

Vader frowned, wondering how Qui-Gon had even had time to contact Obi-Wan, but deciding that Qui-Gon had everything all planned out already.

"Say what you have to say, then," Vader said.

"You're frustrated, I see that," Obi-Wan said. "No doubt Qui-Gon is making some rather arduous demands of your patience."

"It isn't my patience that is being put to the test," Vader said, walking away from Obi-Wan.

"What then?" Obi-Wan said. "What has you wanting to walk away?"

Vader hesitated before responding. "He is forcing me to look at the past, my past," Vader said.

"And that makes you uncomfortable," Obi-Wan said.

"Of course it does," Vader said irritably.

"And why is that?" Obi-Wan prodded.

Vader turned to face him. "You know damn well why," he snapped.

"I do," Obi-Wan said. "But I want to hear you say it, Anakin. You need to say it. You need to face it."

"What do you want me to say?" Vader finally relented. "What, Obi-Wan? You want me to describe how I killed Master Windu? You want to hear about how the younglings I slaughtered begged for mercy? Or maybe you want to relive how I tried to kill you on Mustafar? Is that enough? Or should I go on to describe how it felt to be burning alive?"

"I don't need you to do that," Obi-Wan said. "I sensed your pain. I sense it still. That's the way it is with brothers."

"How can you call me brother after Mustafar? After what I did at the temple?" Vader asked.

Obi-Wan could feel guilt starting to creep its way into Vader, and he decided that it was a good thing. If he felt guilty about his crimes, then perhaps there was a chance that he could, in fact, conquer the Darkness within him.

"Do you regret what you did, Anakin?" Obi-Wan said. "Or do you still feel justified in doing it?"

"At first I believed I was doing it to save Padmé," Vader said. "I felt that I had no choice but to turn to the Dark Side," he said. "That it was the only way to save her, to prevent her from dying."

"Palpatine lead you to believe that," Obi-Wan said. "And now you know that he was using you," he said. "You know that he would have said anything to lure you to the Dark Side."

"I know," Vader said bitterly. "And I let him. I believed his promises like a fool. I thrived on his flattery. But in the end it was all lies. All of it. Padmé didn't die, but not because of me turning to the Dark Side. She survived because she is strong. If only I'd listened to her when she told me she'd be fine. If only I'd listened to you," he said.

Obi-Wan nodded. "I just wish I'd known what you were going through," he said. "I should have known, Anakin. I should have been the one to help you through it, not Palpatine."

Vader was silent as he considered this. "It's irrelevant now," he said. "I can't erase the past, no matter how much I may regret it."

Obi-Wan smiled sadly. "I feel the same way," he said. "I can't change what I did to you on that terrible day, Anakin," he said. "But now maybe I can help you. I know what Qui-Gon is trying to do for you, and I share his optimism."

"I'm not sure that I do," Vader said.

Obi-Wan knew that the Dark Side was making him pessimistic, that it had been so long since he'd known anything but the Dark Side that it would be difficult for him to see beyond it.

"I think you should get some rest, Anakin," Obi-Wan said. "When was the last time you had a decent sleep?"

"I don't recall," Vader said, the thought of sleep appealing to him immensely.

"Not good," Obi-Wan said. "You never did know when to take care of yourself," he mused.

"Something I learned from you, no doubt," Vader replied.

Obi-Wan nodded in agreement. "Perhaps so," he said. "I'm heading back to the ship," he said. "Are you coming?"

"Do I have a choice?" Vader asked.

"Of course you do," Obi-Wan said.

Vader didn't think he did, and simply walked along side Obi-Wan onto the shuttle.