Chapter Thirty-Seven:
Patrick waited while Robin was in the bathroom. He sat on the bed and subconsciously touched his lips, the feel of hers still lingering.
He needed her so much and he knew that. It was useless to fight what he was feeling and he wanted more than anything to be someone she could trust again.
He also knew a huge barrier to her feeling better was being able to sleep in a bed. He worried a little about helping her with that because he wasn't equipped to deal with what was done to her.
He just loved her and hoped that might be enough.
"Sorry," she said softly as she walked out. "My meds kicked in a little."
"Are you okay? Do you want some crackers?" he went to his bag and she smiled.
"You have crackers with you?"
He shrugged.
"Once you get in the habit, it's hard to break. Besides, Emma always likes to munch on crackers. She said it reminded her of you."
Robin took a cracker and sat down on the chair.
"I'm not sure that's so great. My daughter is reminded of how sick I feel when taking meds."
"No, that's not it. She feels comfort when she eats crackers because it makes her feel you."
Robin felt her eyes fill and she nodded.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you," he said as he sat closer to the edge of the bed and their knees were almost touching.
"You didn't. I just have a lot of guilt to work through about what I did to Emma."
"What do you mean? You didn't do anything to her."
Her eyes were full of sadness when she looked at him.
"I love that you think that, but it's wrong. I left the daughter I wanted more than anything in the world. It doesn't matter that I was only supposed to be gone for a little while; I had just come back after being away for almost 2 years. She is a child and she has no reason to believe in me. I mean I know what it's like to miss my mom. My parents constantly chose work over me and although there was a time I thought they were dead, I will never get over the idea that my dad let me think he was dead when he wasn't."
Patrick reached and took her hands in his.
"Robin, that isn't what you did. You didn't choose to stay away from Emma any longer than you had to. What happened was because Victor and Helena tricked you and then held you against your will. If anything, it's my fault for never listening to her."
"What do you mean?"
He was ashamed as he sat back.
"Emma told me you were in trouble. She said you always Skyped with her and then after my visit to Crichton Clark you suddenly stopped. I was so angry and I never looked into it. I went ahead with the divorce and I ignored every sign that you were in trouble. I ignored your words and your actions and I only focused on my hurt and anger. I was such a selfish prick, Robin. I could have done so much more."
They were quiet and she sighed.
"This is fucked up."
He smiled and shrugged.
"We've never been conventional."
"True. I never thought I would have a sex with no strings relationship."
He grinned and his dimples were deep and inviting.
"It kind of wasn't. The first time we made love there were strings. Hell, I put them there because I never wanted to see you with another person. I wanted every part of you to be mine and I realize now how hypocritical that was. I slept with women while I was with you and I have always expected you to be okay with that. I'm truly sorry. I don't understand what I was thinking."
"It's over, Patrick. What happened in the past while we were together is over and we've moved beyond it. I need you to know that I don't blame you for being with someone else when you thought I was dead. My issues with you being with Sam are more about what I was going through at the same time. I'm working on getting through that, too."
He looked at her and his eyes were again wet.
"Do you think you can?"
She tucked her long hair behind her ears and sighed.
"I know I want to. I don't want to waste any more time being sad and angry. I want to wake up and feel happiness. I want to know I have done all I can to contribute positively to this world. I want to smile and laugh with our daughter and show her I can be someone she counts on and someone who puts her first. I want to be someone she is proud of."
"Robin, you are someone she is proud of. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met and you don't need to do anything more than be who you are. That's enough. You have always been enough."
She shook her head and sniffed.
"That's simply not true, but I appreciate the sentiment."
He sighed.
"We should go to sleep. Will you please let me hold you in the bed?"
"No, that's okay. I'm good on the couch."
He hesitated and decided to push her a little.
"I think you're scared and until you confront it, you won't be able to get past it. You are an adult who deserves to feel safe and sleep in a bed. Please let me help you with that."
"I can't; I'm sorry."
He smiled.
"You can, you just won't."
"I can sleep on the couch and there is nothing wrong with that."
"That's true if it was because you wanted to sleep on the couch and not because you were scared of the bed. I know you and we had many amazing nights in a bed. You like sleeping in a comfy bed and you need to get back to that. You deserve to be comfy."
She looked at him and her tears spilled over her cheeks.
"I don't think I can do it."
He stood up and reached his hand to her.
"Let me help you. Let me be the man you have needed for so long. Let me protect you."
She wanted to, so badly, but she was terrified.
"Patrick, I'm scared. I don't want to relive any of that time. I don't want to face what happened."
He sat back down and his heart was in his throat.
"Robin, what did they do? Were you raped? Will you please tell me what happened?"
"It doesn't matter. It's over and it doesn't matter," she said softly.
"It matters because you're unable to verbalize it. It matters because it's holding you back. It matters because you deserve better."
She sat there and her knee shook as she thought about his words.
"You would think that being HIV positive would be a blessing when it came to someone trying to assault you. I mean, they would be taking their life into their own hands by trying anything," she said as she looked at him.
He held her gaze and let her continue.
"But research has shown that someone with an undetectable viral load is pretty much safe and I guess they knew that. The issue became more about testing my numbers and deciding if I was worth the risk."
His stomach churned and he wished he could kill every one of them.
"I doctored my numbers," she said softly. "I told them the wrong info so they would leave me alone. I endured them touching themselves in front of me and finishing on me, but I didn't care because I never let them get to me."
"They finished on you?" he said in horror. "Robin, I'm so sorry."
She stood up and paced, rubbing her arms.
"It was nothing. They were animals and it was nothing."
He walked to her and gently turned her to look at him.
"It was everything."
She looked down and he tilted her chin up to him.
"It was everything," he said again.
"They thought I was nothing," she said and her tears fell. "They looked at me like I was garbage and they treated me that way. I think, in some ways, I believed them. I think maybe I still do. I think that's why I was left to be alone. I understand your hurt and anger, but my mom left me, too. I had to be responsible. There must be something about me that's wrong."
He wrapped her in his arms and held her tightly.
"I'm so sorry," he said softly. "You are perfect and you didn't deserve any of this. They were so wrong, Robin. You are amazing and beautiful and sexy and strong and intelligent and you are worth so much more than what you've been through. You are the mother of my child and I couldn't be prouder to have you in my life."
She cried and he rested his chin on her head as he held her and rubbed her back.
"Ow," she said and pulled back a little.
"What is it?"
"I just have some issues with my back, it's nothing."
"What kinds of issues?"
She sighed and turned, pulling her tank top up to reveal her back to him.
Patrick looked at her beautiful back and saw what looked like tiny burns. He was quiet and she quickly covered up.
"It's nothing. I shouldn't have shown you," she said and walked to the couch.
"Robin, wait. I want to see it all. I want to help you."
"I don't think you can. I think maybe I'm beyond help."
He smiled and took her hand.
"No way. Come here," he said and walked her to the bed. He pulled the covers back and sat down.
"Come sit with me. I promise it will be okay."
She chewed on her bottom lip and walked to sit next to him. He pulled her gently into his arms and he could feel her body tense up.
"I think you are the bravest person I have ever met," he spoke softly. "I know you are going to be okay and I believe in you."
She sat up and her panic was suffocating.
"I can't do it. I need air," she said and raced out to the balcony, the freezing air a shock.
"Robin, wait," he followed her and saw she was sitting on the ground and sobbing.
"I can't do it. I'm sorry. I need you to leave me alone, okay?" she said through her tears.
He shook his head and sat down next to her.
"No, I'm not leaving you again. We are going to get through this together."
She fell against him and he put his arms around her as she shivered.
"I'm so scared. I feel like I have no control over my life and I hate that. I don't know what to do."
He picked her up easily in his arms and walked them back inside, sitting her down on the couch. He took the blanket off the bed and wrapped it around her.
"We're going to take this one step at a time. Whatever you need, whatever help we'll get. I will do anything to help you with this, okay?"
She shivered and lay in a ball on the couch.
"I'm sorry. I should never have brought you into this. You had so much going for you and now you're stuck in a room with my neurosis. I really will be okay alone if you want to leave."
He wanted to shake her but he knew she was really worried he didn't want to be there.
"I don't want to leave. I want to stay with you."
She felt a little better and sat up more to look at him.
"I don't want you to be mad, but maybe I should just go stay with Jason?"
His stomach dropped.
"Why on earth would you do that?"
"Because I'm not right inside. I look at you and I want to be with you and it's making me crazy. I am doubting every thought and feeling and I know with him, I won't do that because I don't want him like I want you. I don't look at him and remember his touch. I don't ache for him like I ache for you."
He didn't think. He didn't analyze things. He simply moved to capture her mouth with his and he felt his heart race as she responded with equal fervor.
Robin moved to wrap her arms around him and he lifted her to straddle his body as he sat on the couch.
His hands moved through her hair and cradled her head and she held his face with her hands as their mouths reacquainted themselves in a way that had been absent for so long.
Patrick felt his body respond as she pressed her hips against him and he slipped his hands under her tank top when she stopped and moved off of him.
"No, stop. This is wrong and I'm not, no, we need to stop," Robin said as she smoothed her hair back.
He sat there and tried to calm his body down. He knew she was right, but he didn't want to stop.
"Come here and let me hold you on the couch. You need to sleep and I need to hold you," he said and moved to lie on the couch with the blanket open.
She moved to lay with him, her back against his chest and he covered them as he held her. It was a position very familiar and comfortable to them and it simply felt right.
Things were a mess, but for this moment, they both simply needed to pretend that maybe, somewhere down the road, there was hope.