In any other situation, the sheer shock on Missy and Theo's faces might have been funny. As it is, Bill feels terribly worried watching the face journey that both of them take from shock to confusion to fear to powerful nausea.
Bill's mind can barely keep up. She's had about two seconds to process the fact that Missy apparently has a child she's kept secret, and now she has to process the fact that it might not be Theo's. That it could actually, just as easily, have been Saxon's.
Bill feels ill.
Why is Harry Saxon trying to tell me that he's my dad?
The words hang in the air between them all, thick and ominous and accusing.
"He what," Missy finally says, flatly.
Charlie (Bill is mostly sure she heard the name right) lifts her chin. "You heard me. He found me. I think it might be because I tweeted about going to the royal ballet - I guess he figured out what my twitter is-"
"Well, it's no wonder, with you posting that video of yourself singing our song with that damned ukulele," Missy snaps at her.
"You couldn't see my face properly, are we really going to have this argument again?" Charlie retorts.
Bill, squinting at Charlie and realising that sure enough she does match up to the partially obscured figure in the ukulele cover video she'd liked so much, and that the cover had been posted the same morning Missy had been having a screaming fit, mutters 'oh shit' under her breath.
"It doesn't matter now," Charlie continues, "what matters is that last night, me and my-" She bites her tongue for a moment. "I was with a friend, and we walked out, and he was just there, waiting for me, beckoning me over. I'm so lucky that my friend only listens to weird reggae and classical music and didn't recognise him."
Theo looks at her, stricken. "He - he physically found you?"
Missy is saying nothing, but her hands are shaking, and she looks ready to hunt Saxon down and commit gruesome murder that Bill wouldn't be able to fault her for, at this point. River's expression is unnervingly similar.
"Yeah," Charlie says, swallowing and crossing her arms over her chest uncomfortably. "I almost just bolted for it, but I went over, you know, if only so I could maybe punch him in his stupid round face-"
"Charlie-"
"But then before I could do anything other than ask him what the fuck he was doing there, he started going on about the article about to be released, how he was worried about me, that it was inevitable people would find out who I am, and telling me to be careful. When I asked him why he cared enough to track me down, he… he told me it's because he's my dad. Not you."
She's looking at Theo now, conflicted and hesitant and apologetic and demanding all at once.
Theo, who is staring at her with horror.
"I'm going to kill him," Missy whispers.
"He's lying," River says immediately, finally able to get away from Missy and step forward. "Darling, you must know he's lying, I've told you that you can't trust him-"
"I'm not saying I believe him just like that, I'm not an idiot," Charlie snaps, "but I'm also not so much of an idiot to believe it isn't possible. Mum was with both of them, so it must be-"
"Oh for - use your eyes, kit, you couldn't be more of a hybrid of your father and I if you tried," Missy tells her sharply, her shock giving way into a strange, cold anger. "That's part of why we've had to keep you so secret, for god's sake, because if you were ever seen standing next to us, you look just like me, except you have your father's curls. And shoulders."
Bill has to admit she has a point there. Charlie has Missy's stark cheekbones and piercing blue eyes, but the dark mass of hair around her face and down her back has the wild curls that undoubtedly belong to Theo.
Some of the weight on Bill's chest lessens.
Charlie grits her teeth. "You're going to have to do better than that."
"You're right, it was absolutely possible that he could have been your father," Theo tells her reluctantly, closing his eyes for a moment, and Missy almost winces. "At first, we had no way of knowing."
"Worst couple of months of my life, not knowing," Missy says, voice so very soft. "But then we were able to get a test. And you're not his. You'll never, ever be his, in any way at all."
"You're ours, kit, I promise," Theo tells Charlie, voice firm but quiet, eyes solemn.
Charlie nods, all at once looking on the verge of tears. "Okay." She swallows. "Okay, I just… I had to be sure."
With that, she throws herself into Theo's arms and he holds her tight, burying his face in her dark hair. Missy watches them with a stony expression, while River has a soft, relieved smile on her lips.
"Makes way more sense this way, anyway, him knowing about the article in advance," Charlie murmurs, "I know he's the worst, I knew he was almost definitely full of shit, but I had to be sure-"
"I know, kit, I know," Theo tells her. "It's alright."
Finally, they let go, and Charlie looks at Bill properly for the first time, and gets an odd, almost giddy smile on her face.
"Hey, Bill," she says, before laughing a bit. "Sorry. Not really the first impression I wanted to make. Top points for dramatic execution though, huh?"
"I mean, yeah, I'll give you that," Bill says, a bit taken aback about finally being in the conversation after being an awkward spectator to weird family drama. It's also a relief, though, to finally feel like she can speak.
"God, I've wanted to meet you for so long now," Charlie continues, "but the whole being forced to live secretly in a shoebox thing really got in the way-"
Missy makes an odd, derisive noise. They look at her, and that same cold, barely controlled expression is back on her face.
"Yes?" Charlie asks, with more attitude in one word than Bill would normally dare to give Missy in a whole paragraph.
"How long have you known?" Missy asks Theo, without quite looking at him, her eyes still on Charlie, voice in her low, dangerous register. "How long have you known that Harry knew about our daughter?"
"Since the interview," Theo says quietly. "It's what he whispered to me, at the end. He said say hello to Charlie for me."
Charlie purses her lips, losing a shade of colour in her face. River certainly looks paler too, at that, but has a look of understanding her eyes that Bill can relate to - finally, they know what had thrown him so, and why.
"And why, may I ask, did you not feel that this was information I deserved to know?" Missy continues, now looking at him, body shaking, eyes alight with cold fire. "Given that most of the reason we've kept her such a deadly secret is so that he would never know she exists?"
"I meant to, I wanted to," Theo says, swallowing, looking so lost that Bill just wants to hug him, protect him from Missy's piercing interrogation. "But you were already so - you were so close to breaking, Missy, and so was I. I couldn't - I was still in denial, I couldn't tell you or that would make it real, and neither of us would have been able to handle it-"
"You don't get to decide what I can't handle!" Missy snarls. "I'm her mother, I'm the one that-"
"God, does it matter now?" Charlie interrupts. "Stop yelling at each other when we can't change anything, he knows, and now you know that he knows, and soon the whole world will know-"
"They certainly will, if you keep up your currently fantastically stupid behaviour," Missy snaps at her, "don't get me started, Charlotte, on what you've just pulled, now and in the last week, because if I get my way your uncle is never going to let you out of his sight again in his life-"
"For god's sake, Missy, she's not ten years old anymore, you can't treat her like a child," River tries to say.
"Don't you dare tell me one more thing about what to do with my daughter, Song, or I'll sew your mouth shut once and for all-"
"Daughter?"
The three shouting women fall quiet, and they turn with Theo and Bill to see Nardole, Helen and Liv standing a few metres off, looking utterly bemused. Nardole had been the one to speak.
"What the hell is going on?" Liv asks.
Charlie meets Missy's eyes for a moment, a stubborn glint in her own, and Missy scowls and opens her mouth, reaching for her wrist. Charlie, however, is too quick and she turns to the newcomers and flashes them a smirk.
"Hi. Sorry. So basically, these two have had a secret kid this whole time, and it's me," Charlie says to them, with a little flourish to her gesture towards her parents and then herself. "Charlie Masters-Smith. And you're Helen, Liv, and Nardole - god it's so weird to actually see you in the flesh. Good weird, though."
She's grinning again by the end, her eyes shining, voice now properly giddy as the three of them all stare at her with similar but slightly varying expressions of disbelief and bewilderment on their faces.
Helen, to her credit, only lifts her eyebrows and says, "Oh."
Liv, meanwhile, takes a moment longer, before incredulously going, "I'm sorry?"
Nardole - with a large frown creasing his brow - looks from Charlie to Missy to Theo to Bill, the latter of whom gives him a helpless shrug and a look that hopefully says I dunno, man, apparently!
"Nope, nope, that's just not going in," Nardole says, shaking his head. "That absolutely will not code properly into my brain." He keeps frowning at Charlie, like he might be able to change that and make her make sense somehow.
Bill takes this chance to look at Missy, whose gaze has settled on Charlie after briefly moving around them all.
"You and me, my room, right now," Missy says to her daughter, voice flat.
Charlie lifts an eyebrow. "No. If you want to yell at me, you can do it here." She crosses her arms, but her expression softens a fraction. "I'm not going to apologising for doing this, or for being here. The article might not have outed me, but it's made it inevitable in the end, and I'm tired, Mum. God, I'm so fucking tired of not existing-"
"Now you're just being melodramatic," Missy snaps.
When Charlie laughs, the humour is gone and it's as bitter as the coffee Missy drinks - so much so that it induces near choking in anyone else's throat.
"Am I?" Charlie asks. "My own grandparents don't know I exist. And you know, it's great that Bill's got this cute thing going on with Dad, but seeing and hearing all that 'closest thing he has to a daughter' shit over all those damn magazines and from anyone who knows you guys? You think that never stung, just a bit?"
Bill swallows. She can't feel bad, really, since she'd had no way of knowing, but god, she can see where Charlie is coming from.
"I don't-" Charlie looks at Bill, and then her father. "I'm not mad about that, I think you guys are super cute and I love it. But you get what I mean."
"Totally," Bill says, trying to look as sympathetic as possible. "I'm sorry."
"And it's not just that," Charlie says, looking directly at her parents now. "Aren't you guys tired of all the lying? I'm tired of lying to the four friends I actually miraculously have, I'm tired of not being able to know my own family, of them not even-"
Her voice catches in her throat.
"I'm eighteen now," she says slowly, steeling herself. "I get why you kept me a secret. You were trying to keep me safe, and you did. But he knows. And soon everyone else will. And I'm old enough to make my own decision about what risks I want to take. And I'm done being invisible, because it's killing me."
Missy grits her teeth, and spins on her heel to storm out of the courtyard without another word.
Charlie stares after her, distress flickering across her face, and she looks like she's about to go after her mother when Theo puts a hand on her shoulder to stop her.
"Give her some time," he tells her gently, "she's got a lot to absorb."
Charlie nods uncertainly, and her gaze drifts to River, who immediately gathers her into a hug. It's tight and warm and they both laugh a little, and Bill finds her heart rather warmed at how apparently close Charlie is with her stepmother.
Stepmother. Jesus Christ. This is all… weird as shit.
"Right, so… what the fuck just happened?" Bill asks.
"Yeah, I'm still wondering that too, my head hasn't been this confused since I was on that acid trip back in 97', and even then I'm still sure that made more sense at the time," Nardole says thoughtfully.
Charlie snorts. "Thanks, Nardy, that's a super flattering comparison." She pauses. "Actually, I kind of like it. Nevermind. We're good."
"I can't tell if we're going to get along like a house on fire, or if you're going to give me the same urges to light you on fire that your mother does," Nardole remarks.
"The fact that those are my two options is encouraging regardless," Charlie replies without missing a beat, grinning. "Probably the latter, though."
That's when Jack runs up, not out of breath because he's ridiculously in-shape, but obviously having been sprinting for them. He comes to a screeching halt at the sight of Charlie.
"Who the-" He trails off, frowning at her deeply. The recognition, the pieces coming together, it's visible in his eyes, and he glances at Theo with a look of incredulity. "Are you fucking kidding me, Doc?"
Bill can see Missy's point about why she has gone to such lengths to hide Charlie's entire existence - it really is impossible to miss the resemblance so long as she's standing next to one of her parents.
Theo shrugs, looking sheepish, that guilt from yesterday returning to his eyes. "Yeah… I'm sorry. It wasn't just you. No one here knew, except for River, until just now."
There's something he's not telling me.
My own grandparents don't know I exist.
"Your mother doesn't know she has another granddaughter," Bill realises aloud, with utter horror. "Oh my god, that's why you - you should feel bad, you utter-"
"Bill, that's not helping," River says sharply, as Theo winces.
"Yeah, only I'm allowed to chew him out about it, preferably," Charlie adds, "because like… his reasons make total sense, they just don't work forever."
"Where's your mom?" Jack asks Charlie. "And what's your name, anyway, weird secret kid I should definitely have known about for professional reasons before this point?"
"It's Jack, right?" she asks, grinning. "I'm Charlie, and Mum is off raging about my having the nerve to reveal myself to anyone outside of the inner circle that consists of her, Dad, River, and my uncles."
"Speaking of your uncles, I should probably call John and-"
The loud doorbell wired through the entire house buzzes, and a smirk works across Charlie's lips.
"I'll get it," Helen says quietly, since everyone else is too distracted to go and deal with the doorbell. Liv goes with her.
"That's probably them, actually," Charlie says, "I left them a note, it was never going to take them long to work out I was gone - I was lucky to escape at all, with how closely they've been keeping an eye on me."
She looks at River with faint accusation, and River's cheeks colour a bit as she crosses her arms.
"You were going to break into Baker Street and give the whole game up, I had to stop you somehow," River tells her, "you weren't listening to me, you-"
"Were being a total brat, yeah, we covered this already, it's fine," Charlie says, her grin returning, any grudge apparently long gone.
Yes, I'm with them… no, you can't come here - no. Listen to me - no, we're not at the townhouse - no, I'm not lying, and don't you dare-
"Oh my god, so much is starting to make sense now," Bill says.
It all comes together. Where Missy went the night of the engagement party, why she'd been so desperate to go after being out of the country so long, and why she had refused to tell Bill where she was going.
Is where you're going dangerous in any other way?
Only if you come with me.
… most of the reason we've kept her such a deadly secret is so that he would never know she exists…
"Were they going to see you? The other day when the three of them disappeared," Bill asks Charlie, thinking about how weird it had been to see them all together.
"It was my birthday," Charlie explains to Bill, giving Theo a little smile. "They knew I wanted to spend it with everyone I could, so…"
"Charlotte Millennia Smith!"
The shout comes from the courtyard entrance that leads to the rest of the house, and the front door, behind where Nardole is still standing. (Bill mouths 'Millennia?' to herself, wondering what the fuck kind of middle name that is, before remembering who her parents are and shrugging it off.)
Charlie winces guiltily as two men in their fifties stride into the courtyard.
The speaker is a man of average height with olive skin and dark hair starting to go silver in places, as well as a very well groomed beard. He's wearing an expensive looking black sweater and nice trousers. Overall, Emil Masters doesn't much resemble Missy but for the same cold intelligence in his eyes.
Behind him is a tall man with a mop of white curls, dressed in a somewhat outlandish outfit consisting of a velvet jacket and some ruffles on his sleeves - ironic, given that his name is John Smith (perhaps he's compensating, Bill has to wonder). He looks like he needs to he told this isn't a pantomime stage, or the 70's, but Bill also can't deny the look works for him. It's not remotely hard to believe he's vaguely related to Theo.
"Uncle Emil," Charlie says slowly as she turns to face him, and god help them all, the kid actually fucking finger guns at him in odd, sheepish greeting. "So-"
"Yes?" Emil asks. He looks vastly unimpressed and has lifted an eyebrow at her.
The grin that creeps onto her face, supposedly apologetic but not nearly enough, is so like her father's that it throws Bill, just for a moment.
"Yeah, actually, I got nothing," Charlie says, shrugging, "Nothing I've not said to you a hundred times before, anyway." Behind her, Bill hears River stifle a little laugh. "But look at this-"
Charlie spreads her arms, and looks at each of them (except Helen and Liv, who seem to have left them to it), and her gaze fixes on where Missy has apparently returned and is lingering on the edge of the courtyard, escaping Bill's notice but apparently not her daughter's.
"I'm with everyone, all at once, in the fucking daylight," Charlie says, meeting eyes with her. "That's all I ever wanted."
John looks conflicted as he approaches her and puts his large hand on her shoulder. "I know, Charlie girl, I know, but you should have at least talked to us-"
"Maybe, but I didn't, and now it's done," Charlie replies, eyes fierce, "and I'm not apologising for anything except any heart attacks that might have been involved." She smirks. "I know you and Emil are getting on a bit-"
John snorts and ruffles her hair horribly, and she laughs, doing nothing to fix it but a single rake of her hand through it to get it out of her eyes. Through all of this, Emil is watching them carefully, a small frown on his face, eyes calculating as they move from his husband and niece to Missy.
"Is this where you eviscerate me, dear sister?" he asks her.
Missy grits her teeth as she rejoins the group. "I'm certainly considering it."
"It would have gotten out anyway," Charlie says, "but come on, wouldn't we rather it be on our terms? And don't take it out on them, they couldn't have stopped me."
"She, uh, does have our unwavering determination and knack for pulling off the very unlikely," Theo admits, sheepishly.
"You're absolutely right about that," John says, and would have sounded chagrined if not for the fond look he gives Charlie before turning his eyes to Missy. "And she does have a point, old girl, don't you want to be able to control how this gets out?"
If looks could kill, John's body would be diced into pieces and scattered around the courtyard.
"Call me old girl again, and I'll ensure that sex becomes a long distant dream for you," Missy tells him calmly. "My boots are deadly and I will succeed in getting your crotch, aikido be damned."
Emil coughs. "I'm sure that won't be necessary." Bill spots Charlie smirking. "One way or another, the child is out of the bag, if not quite officially. We should focus on moving forward."
"You held a grudge against me for ten years for accidentally smashing your fancy bottle of cologne," Theo says to him indignantly.
"Nonsense, Theodore, that was a long time ago," he says loftily, but just a bit too quickly to be entirely innocent. "And most of us are now more mature adults."
Theo snorts, but Missy is actually smiling now, just a fraction.
"Very well, I suppose we might as well focus on how to make an utter spectacle of ourselves," she says with a sigh. Her voice is still too tight for her to seem entirely at ease, but the anger is gone from her now.
"So… you're not going to kill me, then?" Charlie asks, voice hesitant.
"Not today," Missy says wryly, but her eyes are soft.
Charlie runs to her and they embrace tightly, their near exact heights matching up and Missy's right hand stroking over her hair. Missy's eyes fall shut as she just holds on tight.
Bill has never seen her look so entirely at peace, until right in that moment.
"Oh, kit, what am I going to do with you?" Missy murmurs, the fingers of her left hand clutching at the fabric of Charlie's Bad Wolves and Beetles t-shirt. "You're far, far too much like me for it to bode well."
"Why do you call her that?" Nardole asks. "Kit, I mean."
"God, it's so long ago now I can't remember," Missy says as she finally lets Charlie go, with obvious reluctance. She cups Charlie's face in her hand. "Something about badgers. It stuck."
"Badgers?" Bill repeats. "Why does that ring a bell?"
"Oh, did you see that notebook I sent Dad?" Charlie asks.
"Oh, Jesus, right," Bill says, recalling the mystery package they had received while in America. "My head's starting to hurt. God, I must have been so close to working it out, or overhearing something-"
"Possibly, but you have to remember that we've managed to keep this under wraps from Theo's brothers and parents, and all of our friends, for eighteen years," Missy says, "you're hardly an idiot for not working it out. Although, we never lived with any of them in that time, so that's probably a factor in you getting closest."
"Speaking of which, how many of our relatives actually follow Silence Media, old chap? Because if they find out about this from that wretched woman and not you-" John shudders, and Theo goes pale. "Well."
"Mum and Dad have her and all of her channels blocked, but if this gains traction I still won't have much time, I-" Theo stares at Charlie. "I need to get you up there-"
He runs his hands down his face and takes a deep breath.
"Right, this is fine, this is - I've only got to tell my mother and father that I've been lying to them for eighteen and a half years, how bad could that possibly be?" he asks, the irony in his voice doing a decent job of disguising his quiet panic.
"It'll be alright, Thete," Missy assures him, putting her hand on his arm.
He nods. "Yeah, course it will." He doesn't sound like he's even managed to convince himself.
At this point, Helen and Liv creep back into the courtyard.
"Right, so is everyone done shouting at each other now?" Helen asks. "Or should we duck back out?"
"No, darling, you're fine," River says, loudly enough to make sure that she can be heard and also to put more weight behind the pointed looks she gives everyone else, Missy especially.
"Good," Liv says. She pauses, looking a bit awkward, her gaze falling on Charlie, then moving to Theo and Missy. "So… secret kid."
"Yep," Theo says.
"Who is now not secret?"
"Well, Kovarian's posted an article with a bunch of speculation and small bits of proof that Missy was pregnant when we broke up with Saxon," Theo explains. "They don't know her exact identity yet, but given that she lives with her uncles, it's only a matter of time."
"God, look at you," Helen breathes, stepping forward so that she's a few feet in front of Charlie. "Spitting image of your mother." She tilts her head, and glances at Theo, and her lips quirk. "And I can see you in her too, Theo. Aren't genetics remarkable?"
Charlie smiles. "Yeah, it's wild." She bites her lip. "It's so cool to finally meet you, after hearing River talk about you for so long. You're even prettier in person."
Helen blinks, and then blushes. "Oh, um - thank you." She looks at River. "What have you been saying about me?"
River gives Charlie a warning look, but Charlie gets a shit eating grin on her face.
"Oh, you know, just disgustingly sappy stuff, she sounded like a schoolgirl-"
"Right, that's quite enough of that," River says firmly, crossing to her and grabbing her by the waist so that her other hand can tickle her sides mercilessly with no chance of escape. Sure enough, the girl shrieks with laughter.
"No, fuck off, oh my god-"
Finally, she shows Charlie mercy, and Charlie recovers with near formidable speed.
"Sorry, did you not want everyone here to know that you're a smitten sap-"
This time, River's hand closes over her mouth firmly, and Charlie's eyes dance. River looks at her with exasperation that is far, far too fond to be particularly convincing.
"That's my girl," Missy murmurs, lips quirking.
"God, you're annoying," River tells Charlie, and her voice is cross but her eyes have a sparkle in them. "Your parent's daughter through and through."
Charlie says something which might be 'proudly', but it's muffled by River's hand.
"You know, I really wish I was more shocked, but you people are so mad I just don't think anything surprises me anymore," Liv admits. "Like, alright, didn't see the whole 'entire secret child' thing coming, but now that it's happened, I can only think 'yeah, that sounds about right'. What have you lot done to my worldly expectations? They'll never be the same again."
"That is… the most relatable thing I've ever heard you say," Bill says. "Like, big mood."
Charlie can't stop grinning. She just looks so completely thrilled to be here.
"Now, basic rules for dealing with Charlotte," Emil says out of nowhere, "for those who have only just met her. Don't believe anything she says-"
John adds, "Never let her out of your sight-"
"Don't ever tell her she's right or she'll continuously bring it up for months-"
"And above all, never assume she cannot or will not do anything," John finishes. He and Emil meet eyes and share a little nod of agreement and satisfaction, as they cross their arms in the kind of unison surely only possible after years of marriage.
Everyone looks at Charlie, who is smirking.
"Uh, right then," Helen says, to break the brief silence.
"Take that self satisfied look off your face," Missy tells her daughter with a roll of her eyes. "We get it. You're an edgy teenager with a leather jacket and a rebellious attitude-"
"And a motorbike," Charlie adds.
Missy gives her a look so dangerously still and mild that Bill almost recoils just from being near it and its implications. "Do you want to say that again?"
"Nope, just kidding, I've never seen a motorbike in my life," Charlie says hastily, but a grin still on her lips. "Never heard one, never touched one. What do they look like, again?"
Theo eyes her with suspicion. "We'll talk about this later."
"Oh goody," Charlie says sarcastically, but with a sickly sweet smile.
"Oh god, you're going to be worse than your mother, I just know it," Nardole groans.
Bill finds herself grinning like an idiot. Now that the shock is fading, acceptance of the situation and all of its implications are setting in.
"This is brilliant," Bill says, "you're brilliant."
"Funny, I've been thinking the same thing about you for a while now," Charlie replies. "From a distance, obviously."
"Really?"
"Why is this surprising, Pottsie?" Missy asks, shutting her eyes with exasperation. "There isn't a human being alive with any taste or moral fibre at all who doesn't think that your general existence is one of the only beacons of hope for the human race."
Bill blinks at her. "You can't just… say things like that, all casual."
Charlie lifts her eyebrows. "You never say anything that nice about me."
Missy snorts. "That's because you've been a menace on my nerves since you learned how to crawl." She smiles faintly. "Although, you've also been even more of a menace on your father's nerves, and that isa point of pride."
"You're also the definition of trouble," John adds.
"Stop it, all of you, you're only inflating her ego, she thrives on all attention," Emil says with a roll of his eyes.
"Really?" Nardole feigns surprise. "I wonder where she got that from."
They all look at Missy, who sniffs.
"I hardly think that was necessary," she says, pressing a hand to her chest and pretending to wipe a tear from her eye.
River, Liv, John and Emil all roll their eyes. Helen and Charlie smother giggles.
"Right, well-"
A phone starts ringing, loudly enough to make Helen and Nardole jump, and the ringtone is the Imperial March from Star Wars. It's coming from Theo's pocket, and he as well as Missy, River, John and Emil stiffen at the sound.
Bill frowns. "Do I want to know?"
"It's Brax," Theo says, swallowing as he gets out his phone, his eyes going to Charlie.
He answers the call and puts the phone on speaker.
"Hello, you've reached the one known as That Scottish Arsehole who is known for keeping secrets from people he cares about and reacting in a way that isn't necessarily socially appropriate when he's forced to answer for that," Theo says, "Please leave a message."
Bill manages to make her laughter silent, but it hurts to do so, and she can't breathe. River and Charlie seem to be in a similar predicament, hands clapped over each other's mouths as they double over.
"Your wit remains as ridiculous as ever, little brother," drawls Brax's voice. "However, it appears I underestimated you. Imagine my surprise, upon reading this ridiculous article, that an investigation into its claims would reveal that it was true. You've managed to keep a secret from me for eighteen years. Congratulations."
Theo stares at the phone, a deep frown creasing his brow. "Have you gone bananas? Why aren't you yelling at me?"
"Oh, I'm not finished," Brax snaps. "Ultimately, I don't care all too much about you hiding this from me, but the fact that you would do this to our parents, who will actually care about your little brat-"
"Call my daughter anything like that again, Brax, and I'll call your teeth missing from your mouth," Missy tells him sharply, and when he hesitates, she adds, "congratulations, you're on speakerphone, you patronising git."
"I mean, I am a brat-"
"Shut up, Charlie-"
"Oh, she's with you," Brax says with interest. "Well, Charlotte, I look forward to our meeting in person. Vaguely."
"Oh man, that's like, so nice of you," Charlie says sarcastically. She doesn't look annoyed, more amused than anything else.
Brax lets out a very long sigh. "Oh, yes, she's definitely yours. When will you tell Mother and Father?"
"Today," Theo says, swallowing. "We'll leave within the hour and head up."
"Very well, I'll meet you there, and tell Max to do the same if he's able." There's a pause, and he chuckles a little. It's one of the more blatantly Slytherin chuckles Bill has ever heard in her life. "I wonder if I could do so without saying why, and give him the shock of his life."
River snorts. "Charming as ever, Brax."
"I try my best, River dear."
Theo frowns at the endearment, making River chuckle at him and pat his arm. Bill isn't sure why that would be something that would irritate him, since jealousy isn't exactly something they ever tend to deal in, but it occurs to Bill that it might just be because it's his brother and thus is automatically more irritating, if less threatening. Bill's not completely sure, having never had siblings.
"Right, well, you scold me in person later then, I'm sure that'll be fun," Theo says to Brax, with a little snort, "catch you later."
He hangs up and runs a hand over his face again.
"Right, well, time for us to face the music," Theo says to Missy, Emil and John. "We're about to be in the shit."
Nardole giggles and everyone stares at him. "Sorry, it's just funny because we're musicians. And, you know, face the music."
There's a small chorus of groans and the sounds of palms meeting foreheads.
So excited for John and Emil to finally be here! They're my fave bickering domestic husbands. Thanks so much for reading, please let me know what you thought!