Chapter Forty-Two:
"No!" Robin screamed and Patrick shot up off the bed. He saw Robin sitting on the couch, her head in her hands and her breathing ragged.
"It's okay," he said as he went to her. "It was just a dream," he sat next to her and wondered if he should pull her into his arms. He wanted to, he just wondered if he should.
She wiped her eyes and sat back, taking a deep breath.
"What time is it? How long was I asleep?"
He smiled as he moved her hair off her face.
About a half hour. I was about to order some food for us."
"Oh, good," she said. "I should eat. I don't think I've eaten all day."
"I know."
She looked at him and stood up.
"I need to use the bathroom. Please order whatever you want, but I want something for dessert."
He smiled and nodded as she walked into the bathroom. He called down and ordered some dinner before he made some coffee from the pot in the room. He had been watching her sleep and simply thinking. He knew a few things he needed to say and he figured it was now or never.
He looked up as she walked out and he watched as she moved to sit on the couch.
"How are you feeling?"
She sighed and shrugged.
"I'm okay."
"You don't seem okay. You have never been a very good liar," he smiled.
Her eyes filled with tears as she looked at him.
"That's not true. I've lied so much about everything and it cost me years of my life. I still can't wrap my mind around everything that happened and the repercussions my choices have created. Today, hearing Carlos say everything he did just made me so sad. I can't take anything back, Patrick, and so many people's lives have been ruined because of my choices."
"Stop saying that!" he said with a little more anger than he meant. "My God, Robin, what about your life? Nobody was hurt more than you and yet you continue to act like you are to blame for everything. Carlos was wrong. You had nothing to do with Gabriel's death. It's clear to me, that if you had refused to help Jason, Victor would have hurt someone you love to make you do it. I knew that, and still, I let you go without a fight. He sent Rafe to run me off the road when you remained in complete compliance of all of his rules. He was a psycho who would have stopped at nothing to get his crazy family back. You have to stop taking responsibility for his choices. You need to direct your anger where it belongs; on me."
She shook her head.
"You're wrong."
"No I'm not. This is all on me."
"This serves no purpose, Patrick. I'm not angry with anyone. I'm just sad."
"I don't know that I agree with that."
"It doesn't really matter now, you know?"
She stood up and held her arms around her waist.
"More than anything, I just wish I could go back and do things differently. We were in such a good place, finally, and because I wanted to help Jason the first time, I was in that explosion and everything from that moment on just ruined any chance I had at the family life I always wanted. Walking in to see you with Sam was almost confirmation for me that I was destined to be alone. I knew you weren't going to wait for me and I knew why. I just miss the life we were going to have. I miss being happy. It's pathetic, but it's true."
"How is that pathetic?" he asked incredulously. "And why do you continue to absolve me from any of the blame? Why do you take the state of our relationship as a complete reflection of you and your choices and none about me?"
She was surprised by that and looked at him.
"I don't do that."
"You do. You do and it's shit."
Anger colored her beautiful features and she sat back down.
"Whatever. I don't even now what the point is of us talking about this. Our marriage is done and over and we should stop rehashing things."
"Did I imagine everything that just happened? I found you in the middle of the woods and we were connecting again. You let me hold you in the shower and you wanted to stay in the moment. Now all of a sudden you can't even stand to be near me. I don't get it."
She shrugged.
"Something changed. I began talking about our past and the fun we had and how I wanted to be that woman again. You shut down on me and ended the conversation. I can take a hint, Patrick. I don't need you to pity me or be nice to me because I'm someone you feel sorry for."
"I don't feel sorry for you, I'm disgusted with myself. I called Sam my adventure buddy and I used her to feel manly and important. I spit on everything you stood for and I went after someone who was more into Jason than ever. Everything I got so mad about when it came to your devotion of Jason was everything I excused when it came to Sam. It was like you were my property to use and discard and I held Sam to none of the same standards. I don't deserve someone like you, Robin, and the more you tell me you are to blame, the more pissed off I am because you couldn't be more wrong. I made the decision to divorce you. I made the decision to go after Sam. I made the decision to ignore everything in my heart that told me you were in trouble. I did that. None of your choices made me become the man who was in that hotel with Sam."
Robin watched as he got up and paced. His passion was evident as the words tumbled out.
"I have been living in a fucking fog since I watched you blow up in front of me. I tried to move on and I did everything I could to follow what everyone else told me to do. I had to move on or I was going to end up dead in a ditch somewhere. I looked at Emma's face every day and I saw you staring back at me. I looked in the mirror and saw my dad staring back at me. I was no better than he was and I was so ashamed. I thought of all of our hopes and dreams and how nothing was ever going to be the same because you weren't there."
Robin stood up and walked to him as he spoke. She could feel the stress and tension in the room and she could see the deep hurt behind his eyes.
"I made a decision. I had to put you behind me or I was going to lose our daughter. I moved forward because it killed me to live in the past. I heard you in everything I did. Every time I walked into the OR, I waited for you to join me. Every time Emma wanted ice cream I thought of how we were eating ice cream the first time I felt her move. Every time I walked by a supply closet I remembered the stolen moments we shared together. When I walked in the park I saw us having a picnic. When I drove by the land I bought for our future I just want," he stopped as his body sank to the ground. "I couldn't breathe without you and I did everything wrong. I have never wanted anyone but you. I have never loved anyone like I love you. God, I just want to go back."
Robin ran to him and pulled him into her arms as he cried. She held his head to her and her own tears spilled down her cheeks.
"Okay. I hear you," she said softly. "I'm here and I'm okay. Whatever happens, we are both going to be okay."
He moved to hold her and she melted against him, her heart pounding and her body coming alive for the first time in a long time.
"I want to show you that I can be the man you pledged your heart to. I am someone who can be there for you. I don't want anyone but you," he said.
She sat and looked into his eyes and wiped his tears.
"I don't want you to hurt any more," she said softly. "I never want you to be so sad again."
He took her hands in his and sighed.
"But you don't want to be with me, do you?"
"I want to take this slow. I want to get to know you and the person you are now and I need to figure out the person I am, too. So much has changed, and if we try to just go back to how we were before, I think it will fail. If we are meant to be together as more than parents to our beautiful daughter, then it will work out. If not, then it's okay, too."
He jumped when there was a knock at the door and their dinner arrived.
"Okay," he sighed and they got up. She walked to sit on the couch and he opened the door for the food.
Robin smiled as he locked the door and came to sit with her.
This could work. She could do this.
They ate in silence and his phone rang. He looked at the number and sighed.
"Is it Emma?" Robin asked with concern.
"No. It's Sam."
"Oh, well you should get it."
Patrick nodded.
"Right."
She ate as he talked and when he hung up, she waited.
"She said they were home after Jason gave a statement about Carlos. Jason wants to talk to you tomorrow. He's worried that you are upset he left you when you asked him not to."
Robin nodded.
"I'll talk to him. I think it's important for me to remember that I am able to take care of myself. I just freaked out on him because I didn't want to be taken again. I need to be able to get over my fears."
Patrick shook his head and sat down.
"You never need to be okay with being alone in the woods. You had every right to be concerned and he shouldn't have left you alone."
She was quiet and then she smiled.
"What?" he asked.
"Is there dessert?"
He laughed.
"Did you ask me to get it?"
"I did."
"Then I think there is probably dessert."
She rolled her eyes.
"So where is it?"
"Let me ask you a question first."
She laughed at the twinkle in his eyes.
"Do I have to answer?"
"Yep."
"Fine, shoot," she said and decided to play along.
He opened the dessert and showed her the large piece of cheesecake.
"What is the one thing you missed most about me?"
She stared at the cake and then looked at him.
"Your hands."
"My hands? Why?"
"I answered, so give me the cake."
He took a fork and fed her a piece.
"Oh God, that is so good," she said. She watched as he went to eat some and she took the fork.
"Nope. You need to answer one question, too."
He raised his eyebrows and grinned.
"Okay, bring it."
Robin took a breath and looked at him.
"Will you hold me tonight? In bed?"
He felt his eyes fill with tears.
"It would be my honor."
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