Chapter 1

PES

There are three types of ponies in this world, and I hate two of them. First you've got the star ponies. They're all into constellations and crap. Their deal is that they think the stars change our fate or something. It's silly. Then you've got the ponies who care too much. They're all preachy about mares' rights and the stupid economy. The last type is the regular jerks like me. I don't hate those ponies, but I don't want to be one of them.

My name's Tumble Spirit, I'm ten years old, and I believe in PES. That's Perpetual Envy Syndrome. I came up with it myself. I'm sure you've heard of The Father Pony. If you haven't, you've been living under a rock. He's the leader of The Cult of the Elder Tree. He says that envy is bad, and those who have it will go to The Abyss when they die. I say I have PES. If it's a real mental disability, I'll get away with it. I like to say I'm clever like that.

Now, if anypony deserves to go to the Abyss, It's my best friend, Zeal. He's a real mad hatter if you know what I mean. And he's pretty snarky. Back when we were in school, he told our teacher to "cut the crap." He's real brave though. I don't know anypony like him. When we graduated and they told us our jobs, he flipped. You pull your job out of a hat, see, and he got teacher's assistant. Now he works for this guy, Inkwell.

I'm a messenger, and I like it that way. That's just about the best job you can get in this god-forsaken hellhole. I know just about everyone in The Forest. I'm the eyes and ears of this place I guess you could say.

Sometimes I talk to myself when I'm on the job. I talk about what life would be like somewhere else. I wish I could've gone with my dad, that's what I wish. He's out in The Great Unknown somewhere. I wonder if there's natural light in The Great Unknown. You know, like the sun. I think that's what they call it.

Anyway, talking on the job. I did that on this one particular Friday morning. That's where my story starts I guess.

It was a nice day. Clear. You could see the stars and the moon. I woke up early like I do every Friday and looked out the window. We light up our villages so much that it's almost like there's sunlight. Almost. I picked up my satchel from the floor of my bedroom and I was ready to start the day. Oh man, you should come over and see my house sometime. It's a child's dream, that's what it is. We've got just about everything you'd ever need and it's all piled up in our living room.

I trotted out the front door and into the open air. My first job of the day was to deliver a letter to Straight Lace. This old stallion gave me the envelope and I put it in my satchel. Straight Lace is a pretty grouchy old girl. She's not afraid to brag about how she's twenty two either. To be honest, I have no clue what her job is. She's some kind of dress maker I think.

So it was a nice day. The mares' rights people were out already. God how I hate them. My village is full of them too. They seem to think that just because I'm a guy, I'm suddenly sexist or something.

Dear God, days in The Forest are boring. I talked to myself a little to keep myself from going absolutely crazy. It wasn't easy. I trotted through the grassy paths and through Purple Heart's chicken enclosure just for the hell of it. I went over all the bridges careful to avoid the water. I can't swim after all.

So I got to Straight Lace's house. She lives by herself in this old oak tree. It's all decorated with flowers and ribbons. It's enough to make you want to puke. I pushed open the door and went inside. She was working at her sewing machine on some new dress.

"Hey, Straight Lace," I said.

She jumped a mile, that silly old girl. She didn't look happy. She never does.

"Hello, Tumble Spirit. Ah, I see you have the letter I was expecting. Good."

I handed it to her.

"What's in it?"

"Oh, order forms. Something of the sort. You shouldn't be so nosy, you silly child."

She fluffed her short orange hair and straightened her hat. I had a look around the room. There was this new bag of jewels and I couldn't help pouring it out and looking at them.

"Tumble," she said. She had that old you're-in-trouble expression on. I hate that. "Tumble, put those jewels back in the bag. I need them for the new project I'm working on."

"What project?" I said.

"A dress for myself actually. Here's your tip. Two copper pieces. Now, will you be a dear and tell Inkwell I'll be a little late."

"For what?"

"Messenger's aren't supposed to ask questions, Tumble."

"Right. Well, I'm off. I'll give Inky your message, Mademoiselle."

I took off at a canter. I could hear her calling from behind, "No running in the house!"

That silly old girl.

I found Inkwell in the schoolhouse with Zeal.

"Straight Lace says she'll be a little late," I said.

"Will she now?"

Inkwell isn't just a teacher. He's also a researcher. He knows just about everything in the world. Hell, he even knows everypony's address. I'd say he's a little on the eccentric side, but he's still just about the coolest guy I know. When I'm nineteen like him, I'm not gonna be shut up in some old schoolhouse though. I'm gonna be out in The Great Unknown.

Zeal came out from behind a pile of books.

"Hey, freckleface. How's the Mademoiselle? Beautiful as always?"

Everypony in The Forest knew that Zeal had a crush on Straight Lace.

"Aww, shut up," I said, walking over to Inkwell's desk, "What're you workin' on?"

"I'm reading up on elder wolf bites and anti-venom before the kids get here."

Elder wolves are the coolest pets you can hope for. They're pretty magical, and they're brightly colored. They're also poisonous, so if you ever get one you should watch out.

"Is that what you're teaching them about?"

"You bet."

"God, I'd love an elder wolf of my own," I said.

Zeal perked up.

"Why do you use that word all the time?"

"What word?"

"'God'" he said.

The real reason I say God instead of Father Pony is because I don't believe in that crap. I read about God in a book once. That's just the word I use for everything.

So I was just about to make up some lame-o answer to that question when the bell rang. The whole damn class came filing into the schoolhouse.

"Hi, Zeal. Hi, Tumble."

It was Morning Current. That's my other best friend. Yellow mane. No cutie mark yet 'cause she's a year younger than me and Zeal. She talks with a lisp and she can whistle through the gap between her teeth. I think she's really cool.

I got out of the schoolhouse as fast as I could.